Abit of humour!
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: The Neo-Cortex
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Abit of humour!
It is a little known fact that Santa has to keep his Pilot's Licence
current in order to make his deliveries every year and so the old
man wasn't surprised when he got a letter from the CAA informing him that an examiner would be visiting in the near future to run him through the usual check flight.
A detail of elves was sent out to wash, polish and service the sleigh and another group was assigned to combing the reindeer. Santa himself got out his logbook and the rest of the paperwork and made sure it was all in order.
On the appointed day the examiner arrived and over the ritual cup of coffee he inspected Santa's logbook and paperwork and made a meticulous review of Santa's weight and balance calculations. He then followed Santa outside and watched him run through the pre-flight walk round examing everything from the bells on the back of the sleigh to Rudolph's nose.
Finally he turned to Santa and said, "It looks pretty good so far.
Let me get one thing from my bag and then we'll get going." As the examiner climbed into the sleigh Santa noticed that he was carrying a shotgun. "What's that for?" Santa asked. The emaminer looked at him, winked and said, "I really shouldn't tell you this but you're going to lose an engine on take-off."
current in order to make his deliveries every year and so the old
man wasn't surprised when he got a letter from the CAA informing him that an examiner would be visiting in the near future to run him through the usual check flight.
A detail of elves was sent out to wash, polish and service the sleigh and another group was assigned to combing the reindeer. Santa himself got out his logbook and the rest of the paperwork and made sure it was all in order.
On the appointed day the examiner arrived and over the ritual cup of coffee he inspected Santa's logbook and paperwork and made a meticulous review of Santa's weight and balance calculations. He then followed Santa outside and watched him run through the pre-flight walk round examing everything from the bells on the back of the sleigh to Rudolph's nose.
Finally he turned to Santa and said, "It looks pretty good so far.
Let me get one thing from my bag and then we'll get going." As the examiner climbed into the sleigh Santa noticed that he was carrying a shotgun. "What's that for?" Santa asked. The emaminer looked at him, winked and said, "I really shouldn't tell you this but you're going to lose an engine on take-off."
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Well heres my contribution,
During a long overwater flight on a luftxxxxx 747 Captain comes over PA to make announcement.
"I'm sorry ladies unt gentleman but we have had za multiple engine failures and will be ditching into za sea! could you please assume za brace position" (read: thick German accent)
Captain then flies down and makes a perfect water landing and continues with the following PA.
"I would like all of za people who can swim to move to za right side of za plane, and all za people who cannot swim to move to za left side."
" for all the people on za right side if you swim for 3 miles in a northerly direction you will reach land!"
"for all the people on za lefthand side, we thank you for flying Luftxxxxx"
Discalaimer: Any similarity to any person/company either living or dead is purely coincidental.
Hope you get a laugh, as I did. HH.
During a long overwater flight on a luftxxxxx 747 Captain comes over PA to make announcement.
"I'm sorry ladies unt gentleman but we have had za multiple engine failures and will be ditching into za sea! could you please assume za brace position" (read: thick German accent)
Captain then flies down and makes a perfect water landing and continues with the following PA.
"I would like all of za people who can swim to move to za right side of za plane, and all za people who cannot swim to move to za left side."
" for all the people on za right side if you swim for 3 miles in a northerly direction you will reach land!"
"for all the people on za lefthand side, we thank you for flying Luftxxxxx"
Discalaimer: Any similarity to any person/company either living or dead is purely coincidental.
Hope you get a laugh, as I did. HH.
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Camden, NSW, Australia
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Following on from howard hughes. There is supposed to be an airline with it's name on only the one side where the doors are. No name on the side of the emergency exits. The rationale. "The passengers should see who they are flying with when they walk on, but not when they are swimming away.
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Enroute from Dagobah to Tatooine...!
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Since the pax have been getting a bit jittery since Sept 11 a captain with a seasoned crew of hostesses made a little announcement when up at cruise altitude....
"Ladies and gentlemen, the cabin lights will be dimmed shortly for your comfort - and to enhance the appearance of your hostesses..."
What better way to set the passengers at ease...!
"Ladies and gentlemen, the cabin lights will be dimmed shortly for your comfort - and to enhance the appearance of your hostesses..."
What better way to set the passengers at ease...!
Bottums Up
The Frog
You gotta feel sorry for the frog!
There was a little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it".
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.
He said "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want".
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-Sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease ....and HE'S the ba*tard who ran over my FROG".
There was a little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it".
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.
He said "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want".
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-Sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease ....and HE'S the ba*tard who ran over my FROG".
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A mongrel mob member walked into the Labour department, and said "I'm looking for a job".
The clerk said "hang on, I'll get a job manager to help you".
The mongrel mob member was duly ushered into the office and told the manager that he wanted a job.
The manager said "I have just the job for you. It is as a mystery shopper with DB."
The mongrel mob member said "what do I have to do?"
The manager said "you have to tour the country, go into all the liquor outlets, taste the beer, and tell DB what the service is like."
"OK", said the mongrel mob member, "that sounds like me, what do they pay?"
"$80 grand a year, company BMW, Amex with unlimited expenses, and of course all the beer you can drink."
"You're pulling my p***er aren't you" said the mob member.
the manager said "Well you started it" .
The clerk said "hang on, I'll get a job manager to help you".
The mongrel mob member was duly ushered into the office and told the manager that he wanted a job.
The manager said "I have just the job for you. It is as a mystery shopper with DB."
The mongrel mob member said "what do I have to do?"
The manager said "you have to tour the country, go into all the liquor outlets, taste the beer, and tell DB what the service is like."
"OK", said the mongrel mob member, "that sounds like me, what do they pay?"
"$80 grand a year, company BMW, Amex with unlimited expenses, and of course all the beer you can drink."
"You're pulling my p***er aren't you" said the mob member.
the manager said "Well you started it" .
