Apology TightSlot
 

Came out completely wrong, didn't mean to offend, it's not my place to judge people on nationality, never done it and never will do it. Just remembered someone's reply a while ago about people getting the british passport and forgetting where they came from. Bad choice of words, i apologize again.


Take care:(

I find this thread very interesting, and I now find I have a whole plethora of dumb things to say to the attendants next time I fly.

Thanks folks :D

I was just thinking that.

Any BMI CC on the Weds 53 or Thurs 60 every week keep an ear out. Chances are I'll say something daft soon (I seem to do so in other areas of life with monotonous regularity). Be interesting to see how quickly it ends up on here ;)

benzonar / GrahamB73,

Be sure to mention Thick Passenger Comments as your inspiration for making their day. That way they will report your words of wisdom (or otherwise) and the thread will become self-perpetuating. :D

r.s,

Regarding your unfortunate experience with that particular breed of low life, I thought you may be interested to see how the UK military supports you and your colleagues and their particular methods of dealing with said troublemaker. Some are feasible, some not and some you would just only dream of doing. The thread is on the Army Rumour Service website (ARRSE) at:

http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/Forums/...c/start=0.html

Personally, I don't think you should tolerate any abuse from scum who don't know how to behave themselves and any excessive bad behaviour (your experience fits neatly into the category) should be greeted on the ground by gentlemen in black uniforms staring through the sights of a H&K MP5 (preferably with the safety off). Apologies? Ram them where the sun does not shine; they should have thought about that before they gob*ed off.

:Dyou are a gem for finding this, i have never laughed so hard. I like the one about beating him up with a overpriced tub of pringles and sticking a a/c model up his arse. PRICELESS!
Would like to see what the Royal Navy have got to say as they are a regular on my airline and have sticky fingers and steal emergency equipment. Cheers! and the pax blame the crew while they wait for replacements. the royal navy must have a large stock of loud speakers and life jackets:=

So many gags, so little time :D

:ok:airline life jackets (smart arse)

:D

(actually I was thinking more about being disparaging about the fishheads' competence but the sarcastic angle works well too ;))

Passengers comments
 

I working for a UK charter airline and over the years have met some of the funniest passengers going.

PAX: Can you explain why this flight time is so long!
ME: Excuse me sir, how do you mean so long. The flight time today is 10hrs and 20 minutes. ( we were flying LGW to Cancun in Mexico. And this was the normal flight times)
PAX: Thats a very long flight time. Is it because you are a charter airline and buy the cheaper routes compared to scheduled!:ugh:


On another longhaul flight from the Dominican Republic whilst doing the bar service.
PAX: what do you mean i have to pay for drinks. I dont pay for drinks if i fly scheduled.
Also i have been to an all inclusive resort so all drinks and meals are free.:rolleyes:

On some flights we have fun with the pilots by giving them keywords that they must get over the P.A system.
On a flight from Sanford back to Manchester we gave the pilot some very tricky words to get in. Sadly we missed the pilots actually saying them but realised they had said them when a passenger asked my "where's Clitoris Bay located. she also asked " how fast are we travelling and are the lawn mower engines going to cope".

Again there are many tales to tell

Thank god im a pilot & dont put up with this 24/7
 

a few years back post 9/11 i was out of the f/d for reasons i cant remember- captain orders probably anyways the pax were boarding bearing in mind i was half talking to the captain at the time about how to turn off his mobile or something like that & in full pilot regalia minus the hat and woman aged about 40 and clearly a business woman with a brain asked me if i was a pilot and if i knew how to fly the plane, at this moment in time i was in a bad mood as the 3:00am starts were getting to me, and felt like saying no i have a pilot fetish & that this gives me thrills and this particular airline gives trained monkies control of A320's but as i had recently had but hand slapped for other comments to passengers i decided to smile sweetly an just say yes.- sorry if this sounds like a rant but how could you not miss the pilots uniform all the other pax noticed and commented on how they hoped i knew how to park the plane but anyway getting carried away- jennie xxx;)

The scene is North Queensland in Australia, which at the moment is about 33 degrees, and fairly humid. Upon having the front door closed by ground crew in Cessna Caravan, hand on starter and sweating like mad, German lady behind me pipes up ''it's so hot in here, excuse me where do I wind down the window?'' only to be responded with retraint by ''won't be a minute madam, once I start the engine, I'll have the air-con on''

The other favourite one liner here is ''Is the reef above or below the water?''

Smoking??!!! What the %^$£???
 

This happened to one of my colleagues. Pax boarding, heading to the extra leg room seats where my colleague was positioned. No "hello" back, no answer to "can i help you with your bag Sir?" BUT the pax DID ask: "where's the smoking room?":ugh::ugh::ugh::}

I managed to be an extreemly stupid passenger at LBIA last week. Not flown from there before, got myself confused and asked at information how to find my way through security. Information lady said "turn round", so I did and there is a sign, practically over my head sayig "all departures" and a big black arrow....

I felt like a total and utter muppet.:O

all I can say is that I must have left my brain at home...

Upon disembarking at Dunk Island where admittedly there is porters to take care of normal luggage, pax spies another person getting off with carry on, looks at me and says ''Oh do we have to take our hand luggage with us?''

''Unless you'd like your hand luggage back in Cairns, I'd say that's a good idea''

Are you really the right people to call PAX Thick
 

Some of these are very amusing but having worked for an airline are you guys really in a position to make fun of your own bread and butter. I have worked with some super cabincrew, but I have also worked with some total arses who have struggled to string two comprehensible words together without saying like and so between those two words and not making much sense or the PA's which have 20 second gaps in them as they don't really know what they are saying without referring to the manual. So leave off you bread and butter and take a look at yourselves first.

Hover,

Relax a bit! People are funny. Some people don't get out much and get a little flustered in what, to them, is a unfamiliar environment. Everyone does silly things from time to time. I believe there was a thread about embarrassing things cabin crew has done to themselves recently.

I don't laugh at them, I just laugh near them! :}

Dea

Hover Overviewer this thread has been on pprune a lot longer than you have... many times we have reiterated the fact that this is nothing more than a therapy thread for those of us who spend our days inside a highspeed metal tube - no malice intended by anyone - just sit back and enjoy it! :)

>I still love when the pax go to the bathroom, and they look at the door in a state of confusion and
>try opening the door with the ashtray, or lifting the door handle up. I roll my eyes every time. lol.

Yeah, but to be fair it's sometimes not obvious. I was on an XL B767 the other day and the toilet door latch was pretty knackered; when closed the middle (hinge) of the door protruded slightly, suggesting that it might open that way. Combined with the "PUSH" notice on the handle where the colour was worn away, and the fact that you had to give it a fairly hefty shove to get it to move this meant that most of us tried pulling at some point.

>Walking on the aircraft trying to figure out which seats are ABC DEF, the concentration required...
Particularly when, as was the case with a BA B747 I flew back from the US on a while back, the seat you're allocated doesn't exist. (I think the check-in computer had been told we were on a different model - my row was by an exit and there were two seats where there would otherwise have been three, with me allocated to the "missing" one).

>It's strange but I find that loads of people turn dumb when they go on holiday. Maybe it's because they are more relaxed than usual?
Or, if it's an early departure, half-asleep. I had an early start from LGW this Spring - leaving home at midnight for three hours' drive then another couple of hours waiting to board addled the brain rather.

>Perhaps there is scope for a 'Thick Media Comments' thread..
Definitely. On the BBC news yesterday there was a feature about a taxying prang at LHR between a BA747 and something smaller. Although all such accidents must obviously be taken serioualy, the BBC reporter actually managed to compare it in seriousness to the terrible accident at Tenerife some years back (which, of course, was a take-off accident caused by the departing aircraft doing so without clearance).


>In the most extreme case, I flew with debonair (remember them?!) operating on behalf of LH.
>As we deplaned, an extremely rude German guy ripped into the purser, telling her that the service was terrible.
I was flying BA Club World last April and Brian (our delightful CC) asked if I'd fill in a customer service questionnaire. "Of course", said I. A few minutes later, as I ticked my boxes, he came past to refill my wine glass. "Brian," said I with a smile, "is there one R or two in 'terrible'?". His initial shock subsided after a couple of seconds into a grin and a "you rotten sod" when he realised I was taking the p**s.

>The seat belt sign was on and a woman decided to go to the toilet.
Ten out of ten to the XL B767 staff I flew with the other day to Larnaca. It was pretty turbulent, and the seatbelt sign was on (as a long-term SLF I've seen two or three pax ignore the sign and get themselves dented over the years). The first couple of "please sit down" announcements were polite. The third was equally polite, but made in such a tone as to make it sound more like: "Sit down, you cretin, or I'll pour boiling oil down your trousers".
A bit like the United Airlines captain at Washington DC a few years ago. As we were taxying to the stand after landing, people started to get up and unload their stuff from the overhead bins, despite requests to the contrary from the CC. All of a sudden we stopped. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. The cabin crew tell me you're up on your feet when you shouldn't be. The seatbelt light is on for your safety, not my entertainment. We're staying right here until you all sit down".

Like many others who read this forum, I appreciate the CC every time I fly. Keep smiling, y'all - at least some of the SLF know what you're faced with!

David C

Ok here's one from a couple of weeks back; Mrs R and I have been off on our hols and have a tight connection for onward trip over the pond. Our internal US flight gets a bit delayed so it's all a bit dicey on the making the connection front...(hey ho we miss it we miss it xrta days hol) any how maximum legging it and scamper aboard in the nick of time make our way to seats as assigned a pair window aisle down the back on arrival tfind that they are occupied by another couple.

Me: I'm sorry but you appear to be in our seats...

Woman: I have to sit by a window, I'm a diabetic

Silent Bob: ......

Me: Okaaaaaaaayyyyyyy, that's very interesting but you will find that these are our seats (show boarding card stub)

Woman: I'M A DIABETIC!

Silent Bob:....

Me (somewhat unsure of the connection between being diabetic and needing a window seat/aisle combination): well I'm scared of flying...

MrsR: ( Quick as a flash and this is just another reason why I know I married the right girl) "and he's a pilot so as you might imagine that's something of a disability..."


Epilogue: Diabetic woman and silent bob retain the Rimmerian seats meanwhile Rimmers relocated to...1A &B ah justice....after all

Having a leisurely meal at Ponti's in STN the other day, a passenger seated with his wife at the next table (and who apparently had never seen a woman wearing four stripes before) asks my Captain with a wink:

"Can I hijack your plane, love?" :rolleyes:

In her best Irish accent :ok: she replied with a smile that she didn't think so! I was just about to answer that he couldn't get on our plane anyway, unless he was an express parcel :E

Thick cabin crew comments
 

some years ago on a 757 Budapest to London:

me sitting by the winder watching the steady flow of oil from the No.2 engine growing larger and steadier by the minute ...
*ding dong*
Me: the flight deck may be aware, but perhaps you might like to let them know they seem to have an oil leak from the No.2 engine....
CC: oh, how do you know that's the No.2 engine - I think that's normal, and the flight deck haven't informed us anything is wrong ....
Me: suit yourself, i'm sure w'll be Ok on one engine - would you like me to let the rest of the passengers know? :ugh:
CC: that won't be necessary, sir, but thank you anyway...
Me: my pleasure

'Twas dripping nicely after landing, and lots of cowls being flung about after shut down....

A recent gem:

Pax: Can you stow my bag in the overhead for me, I don't want to hurt my back.

Me: Oh because I DO want to hurt my back and be off work on basic pay love!

On every inbound flight we hand out questionnaires for the passengers to tell us about their holiday and flights.

Family sitting in Row 40 on a B757 (ie. the back row). I had been on their outbound flight the week before and they made me laugh many times, but this one took the biscuit.

Call bell went off. I look out into the cabin to see that it is the back row that have pressed the call bell. I was 2 seconds away by foot. Anyway...

Me: How can I help?
Pax: On this form (the questionnaire) it asks for my marital status. I am engaged but not living with my girlfriend, but there isn't an option for this. So, which option do I pick?
Me: You need to tick the box that says 'single', sir.
Pax: But I am NOT single. I am engaged.
Me: Then tick the married box.
Pax: But I am NOT married either.
Me: What box do you normally tick on forms like this? In my experience there is never an option for 'engaged'.
Pax: ....*blank stare*....So what box should I tick?
Me: Tick whatever box is closest to whatever status you are (getting slightly annoyed as we are on a 2hr flight and the bar service hasn't even started yet)
Pax: But there are no boxes to describe what I am!
Me: Then don't tick any box.
Pax: Does that matter?
Me: Not one bit

And I walk away. How does a 30-something man like this get through life??!! or was he simply just being awkward?

When the seat belt sign is on we can't serve tea or coffee as it could spill and burn someone etc...

So anyway a passanger asked a crew member for a coffee. The crew member then pointed to the seatbelt sign on the ceiling and said sorry we can't serve tea or coffee when the seatbelt sign is on as it is too bumpy etc. etc.

I don't think the pax understood english very well as he then proceeded to stand up and press the seat belt sign and hold his coffee cup up to it thinking that the coffee came out of the ceiling!!

So funny!

from Chav Airways:

pax to No1: "are my friends on board yet?" And they will be who, exactly?

"the engines are noisy, can you turn them down?" I can turn them off if you like.....

"the air conditioning's blowing on me can you turn it off?" Right, let me explain the basic principles of presurisation to you.

On KLM out of Curacao 13 Jan 2008;
Thick passenger (= Me ATP with 7500hrs) What happened to the safety briefing?
CC to Thick Passenger; ERRRRRR didnt you get one?
Thick Passenger to CC; ERRRRRRRRRR no most certainly not!
CC to thick passenger: Oh Oh.
20 mins later Embarassed Purser to Thick Passenger; Are you the the (Thick) person that noticed we never gave a saftey briefing?
Thick passenger to Purser: Yes.
Purser to Thick passenger; thats the first time in 27 years of flying thats happened Im so sorry.
Thick passenger to Purser; No problem?

Just a small input on the alleged racism. My late father bought me up to judge a person not by their race creed or colour but by their character and their deeds. I have always done this BUT I STILL AM ACCUSED OF BEING A RACIST?????????????????????????????????? Take care out there.

Did I say there was?

errrrrrrr......yes?:confused::confused:

Coming back from somewhere in Poland... During the service:
Me: Any drinks or snacks? Smile
Pax: Can i have a cup of tea and Beans on Toast!!
Me making the tea, about to ask "would you like milk and sugar with your tea" when it clicked in my brain: Sorry, what was the other thing you wanted?
Pax: Beans on toast please.
Me (coming across as rather dumb now) : Sorry?!
Pax: I said tea and beans on toast. I'll pay in zloty if you don't mind.
Me: I don't mind but unfortunately we don't have beans on toast.
Pax: Why's that?
Me still slightly confused: Erm... Because we are not being catered with BEANS ON TOAST?
Pax:Well i think you should. I really like them
OKAY.....:rolleyes:
Finally he decides to have something else... Moving on...
Securing the cabin for landing, same pax: How long until we land?
Me: Around 15 mins Sir.
Pax: Great! I only have an hour until i can eat my BEANS ON TOAST!
Me: Huh??!!??

Now i apologize if i am being a bit ignorant but do you know of any other airline, long or short haul who serve BEANS ON TOAST??:}

Wouldn't anything to do with beans be a bit dodgy in a confined space like an aircraft?

(Unless you could somehow use his jet blast to save some fuel)

We were boarding at Amsterdam using steps rather than the usual jetty. All the pax were aboard and we were waiting for the last business pax who apparently, was far too superior and busy to board on time with everyone else. He finally appeared from the terminal, stalked across the tarmac whilst still shouting into his phone and then much to our amazement, started going up a spare set of steps that just happened to have been left nearby. As he got to the top of the steps, he realised simultaniously that a; there was no aircraft at the end of them and b; the crew and all the pax sat on the left of the aircraft were laughing at him! Unfortunately, this incident didn't give him any humility but every time he was rude, I just remembered him standing at the top of those steps wondering where the aircraft had gone!

Jsl

Thick Comments.
 

About 10 years ago, on a charter out of LGW on a Caledonian Tristar, 1 hour into the flight a woman presses call bell, i walk up and ask what i could do for her, when she said i am worried we have been flying over that silver thing for over an hour is it suppossed to be there. I explained that i hoped so as it was the WING!.

Another time all the ovens were us so we were offering afternoon tea, when a pax says hey you are you stupid, you should know that i do not like butter on my bread, i politely explained that if she needed a special meal she could have ordered this when she booked here flight, to which she replied my customer service skills were crap as i didnt know what the passengers needs were:ugh:

Thick Pax: On finals, "did you know London Gatwick isn't in Llondon?"
CC: "suprisingly yes, i work there...."
Thick Passenger: "it's in West Sussex!!!!"
CC: "yes"
Thick Passenger: "stupid really, all the other airports are in London!!!"
CC: "Actually LHR is in Middlesex, LTN is in Bedfordshire and STN is in Essex"
Thick Pax: "oh........ right........ What about London City?"

As a pax, I believe that it is a good thing, as many here have stressed, that I switch off my brain everytime I head to the airport considering:

- the mindless security procedures I have to put up with (groundside)
- the constant delays I have to put up with
- the constantly diminishing space I am allotted
- the stuff they try to call food that they put on my tray
....

because if it had remained switched on, I could sometimes be slightly unpleasant. :oh::oh:

Sekant,

I'm amazed and horrified that you've mentioned "the stuff we call food" in the same sentence as security. How can you not enjoy something that has often been designed by a top michelin chef (who has no idea of the limitations and contrary temperament of an aircraft oven), then burnt....sorry, cooked by my own fair hand. Who needs fine dining when you can have chicken or beef? Some people just don't know a good thing when they see it! :E

Chicken or beef?
 

I always assume this is just the cabin crew challenging the passenger to guess the content of their tray...

what a laugh
 

just to say only joined today, and am only a mere member of the paying public, but some of the stuff on here is very funny, thanks for making my otherwise dull day bearable!!