ATC Humour (Merged)
Gizajob
Join Date: Jun 2003
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I don't know who the gentleman working London 128.815 last night was but as well as having one of the most pleasant RT manners I've heard in a long time, gave us 40min of entertainment. Won't write it all here (you kinda had to be there at the time) but brightened up a long day no end. Thanks 
Join Date: Nov 2004
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British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
-----------------------
ATC: ' Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
Al Italia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
-----------------------
Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'
Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
-----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself.'
-----------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
---------------------------
Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rog', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
--------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
--------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: Oh, Oh, ****! You have traffic!
---------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
----------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
------------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
--------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean .. Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately .'
--------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
-----------------------------
Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
-----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
-----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
---------------------------
Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
---------------------------------
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
-----------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
----------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
-----------------------
ATC: ' Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
Al Italia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
-----------------------
Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'
Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
-----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself.'
-----------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
---------------------------
Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rog', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
--------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
--------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: Oh, Oh, ****! You have traffic!
---------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
----------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
------------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
--------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean .. Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately .'
--------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
-----------------------------
Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
-----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
-----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
---------------------------
Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
---------------------------------
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
-----------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
----------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
Join Date: Nov 2004
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When doing my IR in an FNTP II simulator the instructors acted as ATC and a favourite of their's was blah de blahddy blah squwak 2628.
I backseated with a lot of other students and we all fell victim to the scam at some point.
When we looked back at the instuctors, they were pissing themselves watching the poor student twisting and twisting the knob on the transponder looking for the number 8.
I backseated with a lot of other students and we all fell victim to the scam at some point.
When we looked back at the instuctors, they were pissing themselves watching the poor student twisting and twisting the knob on the transponder looking for the number 8.
Join Date: Jun 2009
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HK
Heard today in Hong Kong during busy afternoon:
xx123 contacting departures just after take off:
"xx123 out of one thousand for fife thousand, requesting flight level 410"
"xx123, you are identified, um say again please???"
"xx123 out of one thousand for fife thousand, requesting flight level 410"
mystified controller:
"um xx123 climb niner thousand feet"
xx123 contacting departures just after take off:
"xx123 out of one thousand for fife thousand, requesting flight level 410"
"xx123, you are identified, um say again please???"
"xx123 out of one thousand for fife thousand, requesting flight level 410"
mystified controller:
"um xx123 climb niner thousand feet"
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In the summer of 1985, a French Air Charter International 727-200 made a visual approach into Eilat airport, Israel.
ATC exchanges (published in Time Magazine) went like this:
Eilat TWR: "Air Charter xxx, where are you?"
Air Charter xxx: "We're on the apron already!"
Eilat TWR: "Not on mine!"
Before the crew could figure out the problem, armed men surrounded the aircraft. They had actually landed in Aqaba, Jordan, 4nm North-East of Eilat. Time reported that the captain was taken away to answer a few questions, but returned a short while later, accompanied by a friendly airport director, who invited him to come back for tea or coffee sometime!
The 727 then made the short hop to nearby Eilat (which incidentally has the same QFU). Red faces all round methinks...
ATC exchanges (published in Time Magazine) went like this:
Eilat TWR: "Air Charter xxx, where are you?"
Air Charter xxx: "We're on the apron already!"
Eilat TWR: "Not on mine!"
Before the crew could figure out the problem, armed men surrounded the aircraft. They had actually landed in Aqaba, Jordan, 4nm North-East of Eilat. Time reported that the captain was taken away to answer a few questions, but returned a short while later, accompanied by a friendly airport director, who invited him to come back for tea or coffee sometime!
The 727 then made the short hop to nearby Eilat (which incidentally has the same QFU). Red faces all round methinks...
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Quote:
mystified controller:
"um xx123 climb niner thousand feet"
Umm, maybe he had traffic? I thought this was a joke thread
I guess the joke was on the pilot requesting either a) immediate climb to filed level, or b) another level as final.
FL410 is like 4 sectors (coordinations) away, and even w/o other traffic that coordination is completely unnecessary/too bothersome to effect.
mystified controller:
"um xx123 climb niner thousand feet"
Umm, maybe he had traffic? I thought this was a joke thread
I guess the joke was on the pilot requesting either a) immediate climb to filed level, or b) another level as final.
FL410 is like 4 sectors (coordinations) away, and even w/o other traffic that coordination is completely unnecessary/too bothersome to effect.
Join Date: Oct 2009
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Whilst getting a pre-note transit from a neighboring unit.
Me: 'Confirm it's a PA28?'
Other unit: 'Eeerr, standby.'
(Pause)
Other unit: 'Erm, negative. It's a Piper Cherokee.'
Me: 'Oook, roger!'
Made me chuckle!
Me: 'Confirm it's a PA28?'
Other unit: 'Eeerr, standby.'
(Pause)
Other unit: 'Erm, negative. It's a Piper Cherokee.'
Me: 'Oook, roger!'
Made me chuckle!
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Heard this one today, think somebody read it from "the controller", but anyway.
Heard in Italy:
A/C: I see there's a lot of birds nearby the runway. Has there been a birdstrike?
ATC: Negative, the birds are not striking today.
Heard in Italy:
A/C: I see there's a lot of birds nearby the runway. Has there been a birdstrike?
ATC: Negative, the birds are not striking today.
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Don't know if anyone posted it already, but here goes:
People often wonder about our job, well here are some facts to make it easier to understand:
1. The controller is never wrong. Even if he is, he is not.
2. When working in ATC long enough, you become a master at covering up your mistakes.
3. Pilots often act like little children who can't have their favorite toy.
4. A pilot who thinks decreases the flow of traffic.
5. Your neighbors usually think you are unemployed.
6. Sexy voices don't necessarily account for sexy pilots.
7. A good controller feels like he's getting paid a lotta money for nothing--a bad controller feels like he's totally underpaid for saving lives everyday.
8. A cockpit window offers a better overview of all airport traffic than your control tower.
9. The toughest working position in a tower is start up/clearance delivery--during runway closures! It feels like a daycare job. (See Nr. 3)
10. It never stops to amaze you what can go wrong.
11. If you go out of your way to make a flight meet his slot, the pilots usually thank each other for waiting.
12. The hardest part about your job is the drive home with so many idiots on the road who just don't see the picture.
13. Your favorite question becomes "Any reason for the delay?" The best response is "Controllers amusement" (Thanks for that one, Scott!)
14. Controllers are very responsible people-but only at work!
15. You're always the best controller working at the busiest airport.
16. The radar guys think airplanes disappear after handover.
17. Female controllers must be tough to survive in our world - or pretty.
18. Your colleagues always tease you. When they stop, something is seriously wrong with you.
19. Most controllers hate offices and paperwork--some controllers see them as a way out.
20. The last thing you can handle after a busy day is your wife talking back to you and there's no recording of who said what.
21. Sometimes you wonder where the pilots hide their "immediate take-off checklist".
22. When you're home, you don't think about work. When you do, start worrying!
23. "Runway vacated" is a very flexible term, depending on the airline.
24. The best part about nightshift is driving home when everybody is driving to work.
25. When you think you're the best--that's the time to start being careful!
5, 7, 12, 14, 15 and 18 are so correct!
People often wonder about our job, well here are some facts to make it easier to understand:
1. The controller is never wrong. Even if he is, he is not.
2. When working in ATC long enough, you become a master at covering up your mistakes.
3. Pilots often act like little children who can't have their favorite toy.
4. A pilot who thinks decreases the flow of traffic.
5. Your neighbors usually think you are unemployed.
6. Sexy voices don't necessarily account for sexy pilots.
7. A good controller feels like he's getting paid a lotta money for nothing--a bad controller feels like he's totally underpaid for saving lives everyday.
8. A cockpit window offers a better overview of all airport traffic than your control tower.
9. The toughest working position in a tower is start up/clearance delivery--during runway closures! It feels like a daycare job. (See Nr. 3)
10. It never stops to amaze you what can go wrong.
11. If you go out of your way to make a flight meet his slot, the pilots usually thank each other for waiting.
12. The hardest part about your job is the drive home with so many idiots on the road who just don't see the picture.
13. Your favorite question becomes "Any reason for the delay?" The best response is "Controllers amusement" (Thanks for that one, Scott!)
14. Controllers are very responsible people-but only at work!
15. You're always the best controller working at the busiest airport.
16. The radar guys think airplanes disappear after handover.
17. Female controllers must be tough to survive in our world - or pretty.
18. Your colleagues always tease you. When they stop, something is seriously wrong with you.
19. Most controllers hate offices and paperwork--some controllers see them as a way out.
20. The last thing you can handle after a busy day is your wife talking back to you and there's no recording of who said what.
21. Sometimes you wonder where the pilots hide their "immediate take-off checklist".
22. When you're home, you don't think about work. When you do, start worrying!
23. "Runway vacated" is a very flexible term, depending on the airline.
24. The best part about nightshift is driving home when everybody is driving to work.
25. When you think you're the best--that's the time to start being careful!
5, 7, 12, 14, 15 and 18 are so correct!
QF north-west bound from the east coast:
"Centre, are you aware that there's a constant clicking sound on this frequency?"
ATC "That was a known problem, but we thought it had been fixed, haven't had any further reports for maybe a month."
QF "Maybe it happens every month"
ATC "She's a temperamental frequency, that one!"
"Centre, are you aware that there's a constant clicking sound on this frequency?"
ATC "That was a known problem, but we thought it had been fixed, haven't had any further reports for maybe a month."
QF "Maybe it happens every month"
ATC "She's a temperamental frequency, that one!"
More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
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Similarly a Belgian colleague had the habit of ticking with his pen against the mike whilst transmitting. Eventually somebody complained and he realised what he was doing. "How's that?" he asked, laying his pen down. "Much better", came the answer. "Oh good," he said as he resumed ticking.
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Ormond tower: abcde be aware that there is a coyote on the departure end of the runway.
(my student thinking he was talking about this airplane waiting for take-off reported back
abcde: traffic in sight!
at least it was funny then and there
(my student thinking he was talking about this airplane waiting for take-off reported back
abcde: traffic in sight!
at least it was funny then and there
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There were 2 A/C. Number 1, a mediterranean operator, let's call him "charter123", is on downwind just about to be turned to base.
Number 2, a local operator, about 6nm behind on downwind, abeam the runway.
Local123: Radar?
Approach: Local123?
Local123: We have the field in sight for a visual, wondering if we still are no.2?
Charter123: (quickly): Yes!
Number 2, a local operator, about 6nm behind on downwind, abeam the runway.
Local123: Radar?
Approach: Local123?
Local123: We have the field in sight for a visual, wondering if we still are no.2?
Charter123: (quickly): Yes!
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was privy to this gem couple of months ago.
wx had closed in minutes and was down to minimas on the ils (typical tropical wx) when one of the local day-vfr chopper boys pips in..
HGN: Approach, heli GN, position MAMEL 1000', request routing to the hangar.
App: Confirm you are v-m-c sir?
HGN: ..... err.. ...... say again for GN
App: Confirm you are v-m-c?
HGN: not catching that, please say again?
App(irritated now, speaks slowly and ups the volume): Confirm you are VICTOR MIKE CHARLIE?
HGN: Negative sir, callsign HOTEL GOLF NOVEMBER
App: HGN, are you VICTOR MIKE CHARLIE, i say again, are you VICTOR MIKE CHARLIE.
HGN:......(wait for it..).... err i dont know what that is sir
....
...
...
...
App(in apparent resignation and disbeleif):are you vfr?
HGN: AFFIRM! SORRY! ****!
wx had closed in minutes and was down to minimas on the ils (typical tropical wx) when one of the local day-vfr chopper boys pips in..
HGN: Approach, heli GN, position MAMEL 1000', request routing to the hangar.
App: Confirm you are v-m-c sir?
HGN: ..... err.. ...... say again for GN
App: Confirm you are v-m-c?
HGN: not catching that, please say again?
App(irritated now, speaks slowly and ups the volume): Confirm you are VICTOR MIKE CHARLIE?
HGN: Negative sir, callsign HOTEL GOLF NOVEMBER
App: HGN, are you VICTOR MIKE CHARLIE, i say again, are you VICTOR MIKE CHARLIE.
HGN:......(wait for it..).... err i dont know what that is sir
....
...
...
...
App(in apparent resignation and disbeleif):are you vfr?
HGN: AFFIRM! SORRY! ****!
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Overheard yesterday, whilst passing south of Filton
Filton Radar: "v*****s 02, Descend to 3000. 10 miles to run. Is that enough to lose the height?"
V*****s 02 " Affirm"
Filton : "V*****s 02, Can you reduce speed due to slower traffic ahead of you?"
V*****s 02 (chuckling) " Wilco "
Filton: " Yeah, I know it's difficult when you're going down as well ....."
V*****s 02 9 (more mirth) " . ..... Roger"
Well, it made oi larf.
Filton Radar: "v*****s 02, Descend to 3000. 10 miles to run. Is that enough to lose the height?"
V*****s 02 " Affirm"
Filton : "V*****s 02, Can you reduce speed due to slower traffic ahead of you?"
V*****s 02 (chuckling) " Wilco "
Filton: " Yeah, I know it's difficult when you're going down as well ....."
V*****s 02 9 (more mirth) " . ..... Roger"
Well, it made oi larf.
