ATC Humour (Merged)
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Greenwich
Age: 35
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4 days but I finally read every page and now the mrs thinks I'm a real nerd for cracking up every few mins or so. And each time she asks what was so funny, I explain but she doesn't always understand the terminology. So I have to continue chuckling to myself!!! Am fairly new but this has entertained me so much that I couldn't stop Reading. I only hope things are still this good when I'm up in the air. Thanks for the many hours of laughter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wapenamanda
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My only new addition that springs to mind…
Heard not so recently while #2 for landing at a field in Africa behind a C182….
TWR: “ABC123 Clehared to lend 07, wind ???, 10Kts”
ABC123: “Cleared to land 07, copy the wind”.
A shortish while later…
TWR: “ABC123 lending time 45, 46 & 47. Vacate echo to the hold.”
(Said in but the thickest and driest of African accents… and … shame… it was a lot more than 10Kts)
Heard not so recently while #2 for landing at a field in Africa behind a C182….
TWR: “ABC123 Clehared to lend 07, wind ???, 10Kts”
ABC123: “Cleared to land 07, copy the wind”.
A shortish while later…
TWR: “ABC123 lending time 45, 46 & 47. Vacate echo to the hold.”
(Said in but the thickest and driest of African accents… and … shame… it was a lot more than 10Kts)
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Near Stalyvegas
Age: 78
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Last night, I was the "East ATSA" at MACC. My Planner asked where TBPB was, as we had a G5 inbound from there to Humberside.....when I replied "Barbados" the Tac said "Fancy coming to Humberside for your Christmas Holls"....which cracked us up.
Humberside then told us they were snow clearing....quick as a flash the Tac said "Ooh yes, he's come for a skiing holiday"
Priceless
Humberside then told us they were snow clearing....quick as a flash the Tac said "Ooh yes, he's come for a skiing holiday"
Priceless
Buttonpusher
My girlfriend is the F/O flying out of EGCC bound for the States, the captain is running the radios, they get cleared to PENIL, the captain isn't clear about the intersection, he asks my girlfriend where the controller cleared them to, she replies "Direct Penile" (just as a joke).
The captain parroted the same verbage over the radio, it took a second for him to realize just what he had done......
The captain parroted the same verbage over the radio, it took a second for him to realize just what he had done......
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: uk
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STL approach: "United 143 best forward speed to the marker, you're number one."
United 143 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."
STL approach: "American 2451,you're number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."
American 2451 (female): "Well I can't do balls to the wall but I can go wide open."
-Radio silence-
Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"
United 143 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."
STL approach: "American 2451,you're number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."
American 2451 (female): "Well I can't do balls to the wall but I can go wide open."
-Radio silence-
Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"
Don't have the original to hand, so I'll have to paraphrase it.
This was out of an Aussie magazine section titled "on the airbands" and relates to a story from many years ago when, if memory serves me right, Qantas were still flying 707's
QF123 makes inbound call to Bombay approach and requests weather update (during the monsoon period)
Bombay ATC (think Peter Sellers accent): Qantas123 Bombay weather is ...blah blah blah ... with 10 Octas of cloud at 1,000'
QF123: Ahhhh... sir? surely that is 8 octa's?
ATC: Negative Qantas123, I have seen 8 octa's and this is much much worse!
This was out of an Aussie magazine section titled "on the airbands" and relates to a story from many years ago when, if memory serves me right, Qantas were still flying 707's
QF123 makes inbound call to Bombay approach and requests weather update (during the monsoon period)
Bombay ATC (think Peter Sellers accent): Qantas123 Bombay weather is ...blah blah blah ... with 10 Octas of cloud at 1,000'
QF123: Ahhhh... sir? surely that is 8 octa's?
ATC: Negative Qantas123, I have seen 8 octa's and this is much much worse!
A few years ago I telephoned ATC at Cork to ask for their weather.
'Be Jesus, its raining cats and dogs' was the answer!
I asked for a slightly more detailed report - ' 8 octas, 1000ft, 2000m' was the reply.
'So its below VFR minima and you don't recognise my UK IMC rating' I said.
'No we don't recognise the IMC rating/ but you sound like a nice boy so come anyway - I'll turn the lighting up for you'!!!
'Be Jesus, its raining cats and dogs' was the answer!
I asked for a slightly more detailed report - ' 8 octas, 1000ft, 2000m' was the reply.
'So its below VFR minima and you don't recognise my UK IMC rating' I said.
'No we don't recognise the IMC rating/ but you sound like a nice boy so come anyway - I'll turn the lighting up for you'!!!
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Near Stalyvegas
Age: 78
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1700, Christmas Eve at MACC and the 'phone rings
"Hello, it's Dublin here, we're closed until 10 o'clock"
Me.."Is that 10 am or 10 pm"?
Garble,garble...."Yes its 10 o'clock tomorrow night, whenever that is....Good Night"
"Hello, it's Dublin here, we're closed until 10 o'clock"
Me.."Is that 10 am or 10 pm"?
Garble,garble...."Yes its 10 o'clock tomorrow night, whenever that is....Good Night"
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: UK
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Quite a few years ago now, our gliding club had a mass fly out (in little aeroplanes) to Ireland with the intention of getting to Galway. Due to the weather we only got as far as ??? (name withheld to protect the guilty) and knew we'd be stuck there for the weekend. Horrified at the big airfield parking and landing fees, some enterprising soul (read skint!) asked if there was a discount for training flights. Great success with this and each crew instantly became student and trainer (nearly true as we had a load of people working through their cpls at the time and most held an AFI rating, whilst the other half were glider pilots converting to power.) The next day a few crews asked for rates for a bit of beacon bashing and a few ILSs. When asked how far we wanted to go, we were told it was much cheaper to stay in the local area, ie not change frequency, as the area controllers couldn't charge for what they didn't know about. Having duly booked our slots, as we took off into the gloom and rain, and the world disappeared at 400 feet agl, the gentle question of would it be vfr or ifr that we wanted was much appreciated. 
Lovely place with lovely people.
Lovely place with lovely people.
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: any town as retired.
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Cork, to be sure
Many years ago, with my fres PPL IR went to Cork on business, and very IFR (ish).
Cork Radar, very kindly pointed me to the long narrow thing and we landed safely.
After landing went to say hi, as a few hours to kill before going wack to London.
Found the Radar Room......well actiually the cupboard under the stairs. I later learned that many small airports had radar cupboards, rather than rooms.
Chatted for a while, and the man asked " have you ver been to Cork before"......no never was the reply...Well he said.... "Ignore the new fangled SID I will point you at the cathedral...watch out its rather tall"
Many years later I was back in Cork, for the Air India Incident, and thanked the radar man for the sight seeing trip.....he winked at me and said, shame the weather was so bad...the Blarney Stone is rather grand too.
I think we must have met the same team.
Glf
Cork Radar, very kindly pointed me to the long narrow thing and we landed safely.
After landing went to say hi, as a few hours to kill before going wack to London.
Found the Radar Room......well actiually the cupboard under the stairs. I later learned that many small airports had radar cupboards, rather than rooms.
Chatted for a while, and the man asked " have you ver been to Cork before"......no never was the reply...Well he said.... "Ignore the new fangled SID I will point you at the cathedral...watch out its rather tall"
Many years later I was back in Cork, for the Air India Incident, and thanked the radar man for the sight seeing trip.....he winked at me and said, shame the weather was so bad...the Blarney Stone is rather grand too.
I think we must have met the same team.
Glf
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: South Africa
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SAA A340 flies in to FAJS the other day and asks one of the most irritating questions there are:
"What are the chances of landing on 03L today?"
I say, "About the same chance as me getting a cheap flight from your airline"
He says, "I'll expect 03R then"
Quite correct, welcome to KFC - The Kempton Flying Club
Have heard a rumour that NATS ATC get ID90 from SAA. Say it ain't so
"What are the chances of landing on 03L today?"
I say, "About the same chance as me getting a cheap flight from your airline"
He says, "I'll expect 03R then"
Quite correct, welcome to KFC - The Kempton Flying Club
Have heard a rumour that NATS ATC get ID90 from SAA. Say it ain't so
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Driving a Train.
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If Mentioned Before I Apologize.
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"
Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"
Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: West London
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If Mentioned Before I Apologize.
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"
Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"
Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"
Brilliant!
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: McMurray, Pennsylvania, USA
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Long ago story from the days when women were just starting out in ATC.
Busy day at O'hare, the 5:00 push.
United: "United 320 heavy, push D-16 with Delta"
Ground: "United 32O hold the push I have two in the alley"
United: "Ground please repeat, your transmission is fuzzy"
Ground: "United 320 heavy, hold the push for traffic in the alley."
United: "Ahh gound your transmission is very fuzzy."
Ground "American 190, is my transmission fuzzy?"
American: "I don't know honey, how old are ya?"
Busy day at O'hare, the 5:00 push.
United: "United 320 heavy, push D-16 with Delta"
Ground: "United 32O hold the push I have two in the alley"
United: "Ground please repeat, your transmission is fuzzy"
Ground: "United 320 heavy, hold the push for traffic in the alley."
United: "Ahh gound your transmission is very fuzzy."
Ground "American 190, is my transmission fuzzy?"
American: "I don't know honey, how old are ya?"
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Brisbane
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Won't give away too much details except it was a student doing an Instrument Test
Student: "XXX Twr, XYZ 8 miles ILS final, 3 Greens, full stop"
Tower: "XYZ Continue approach report 3 miles"
Student: "Wilco XYZ..... And attitude attitude, trim, powers good, flaps good, all on the rails..... OH ****" end transmission
Another one just doing some GF before an all important test
Student: "XYZ Base 3 greens....... ahhhhhhhhhhh.... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk, going around" end transmission. Realised he didn't put the gear down.
Student: "XXX Twr, XYZ 8 miles ILS final, 3 Greens, full stop"
Tower: "XYZ Continue approach report 3 miles"
Student: "Wilco XYZ..... And attitude attitude, trim, powers good, flaps good, all on the rails..... OH ****" end transmission
Another one just doing some GF before an all important test
Student: "XYZ Base 3 greens....... ahhhhhhhhhhh.... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk, going around" end transmission. Realised he didn't put the gear down.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Spain
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New Spanish AFIS on trials at GCLP
Hello!
Spanish goverment is planning to introduce AFIS service at some airports, in place of actual ATCO´s. Here is an example:
You can read more at http://www.pprune.org/atc-issues/404...ish-dream.html
Spanish goverment is planning to introduce AFIS service at some airports, in place of actual ATCO´s. Here is an example:
You can read more at http://www.pprune.org/atc-issues/404...ish-dream.html
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Europe
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WIF-xxx: "Request clerance to CPH"
ME: "Eeeh. I have been trying to call you for the last hour. Your slot expired 15 minutes ago!"
WIF-xxx: "Eeeh. OK. In that case we consider the slot cancelled. Request start-up!"
WTF?
ME: "Eeeh. I have been trying to call you for the last hour. Your slot expired 15 minutes ago!"
WIF-xxx: "Eeeh. OK. In that case we consider the slot cancelled. Request start-up!"
WTF?
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Vienna
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Happens again and again... and still funny, for whatever reason:
someone adding a 'goodbye' to something other than a freq change.
ATC: ABC234 descend FL100, turn right heading 180
A/C: ABC234 descending FL100, right heading 180, goodbye...
huh? oh yah, goodbye. please report back
someone adding a 'goodbye' to something other than a freq change.
ATC: ABC234 descend FL100, turn right heading 180
A/C: ABC234 descending FL100, right heading 180, goodbye...
huh? oh yah, goodbye. please report back
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: EU
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Almost the same situation as in the previous post :
TWR/APP : "AIRLINE001, cleared for takeoff, and when airbourne remain on this frequency"
AIRLINE001: "Roger, cleared for takeoff, and remaining with you, good night"
A bit too early
And one more -
Overheard last night from 121.5 :
AIRLINE001: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking and i'd like to give you some information about our flight. At the moment we are flying at 9600 meters over XXXXX, outside temperature is (looooong pause)........" (out)
couple of seconds later from another a/c
"Hmm, we didn't copy the air temperature, sir"
Made me laugh
TWR/APP : "AIRLINE001, cleared for takeoff, and when airbourne remain on this frequency"
AIRLINE001: "Roger, cleared for takeoff, and remaining with you, good night"
A bit too early
And one more -
Overheard last night from 121.5 :
AIRLINE001: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking and i'd like to give you some information about our flight. At the moment we are flying at 9600 meters over XXXXX, outside temperature is (looooong pause)........" (out)
couple of seconds later from another a/c
"Hmm, we didn't copy the air temperature, sir"
Made me laugh