ATC Humour (Merged)
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 183
Likes: 0
From: Cambridgeshire
Bless GA !
GA plane joining Kemble from the NW last week,
A/C "Confirm by your threshold you have gliders"?
FISO "Last time I looked they were 747s"
A/C "Ahh Roger ..............I ll reposition for your overhead again"
Plane making approach to a nearby gliding site
NM
A/C "Confirm by your threshold you have gliders"?
FISO "Last time I looked they were 747s"
A/C "Ahh Roger ..............I ll reposition for your overhead again"
Plane making approach to a nearby gliding site
NM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2
Likes: 0
From: 36º58'N 25º10'W
My first post
Heard on the Airfield OPS frequency (vehicles, maintenance, etc...) at LPLA (Lajes - Azores).
There was work going on the lighting system:
- Switch it on.
10 seconds went by, then
- SWITCH IT OFF, SWITCH IT OFF
another 30 seconds
- It's OK, he's back on his feet now.
________________________________________
- TOWER, OPS 4, request to cross the RWY at TWY X-RAY
- OPS 4, TOWER, say again??? (TWY's only went to J)
- Request permission to cross the RWY at TWY X-RAY
- OPS 4, TOWER, report position
- I'm next to the TWY with an X painted on the ground.
_________________________________________
There was this guy digging a trench, I don't know what for, near the edge of the RWY. We had to get him off for traffic landing and departing. After a few calls with no answers I sent a vehicle to get him out. He finally comes on the frequency to apologize, he heard me calling him but his hands were dirty and the radio was brand new...
_________________________________________
There were cows grazing on the edge of the RWY so, once more, we sent an OPS vehicle to chase them out. Later, Airfield OPS called the TOWER to relay the shepherd’s apology but “these cows are new and don’t know the aerodrome layout yet…”
Didn’t think these funny at the time…
There was work going on the lighting system:
- Switch it on.
10 seconds went by, then
- SWITCH IT OFF, SWITCH IT OFF
another 30 seconds
- It's OK, he's back on his feet now.
________________________________________
- TOWER, OPS 4, request to cross the RWY at TWY X-RAY
- OPS 4, TOWER, say again??? (TWY's only went to J)
- Request permission to cross the RWY at TWY X-RAY
- OPS 4, TOWER, report position
- I'm next to the TWY with an X painted on the ground.
_________________________________________
There was this guy digging a trench, I don't know what for, near the edge of the RWY. We had to get him off for traffic landing and departing. After a few calls with no answers I sent a vehicle to get him out. He finally comes on the frequency to apologize, he heard me calling him but his hands were dirty and the radio was brand new...
_________________________________________
There were cows grazing on the edge of the RWY so, once more, we sent an OPS vehicle to chase them out. Later, Airfield OPS called the TOWER to relay the shepherd’s apology but “these cows are new and don’t know the aerodrome layout yet…”
Didn’t think these funny at the time…
Last edited by hs1611; 28th May 2007 at 20:34.
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 266
Likes: 5
From: U.K.
Last year I was flying near a regional airport recieving a service from the approach frequency. The controller on is known, with some justification, as 'Grumpy' (he provides a very professional service but often come across like a jaded school teacher.)
A inbound charter aircraft called up. After the initial details were passed...
APPROACH "Charter 123, how many pax have you on board?"
CHARTER 123 "Oh, it's okay, everything is sorted with handling."
APPROACH (very irate voice) "Charter 123, that is NOT what I asked you!"
CHARTER 123 (very laid back voice) "Morning, (First name), I see you're in fine form this morning!"
A inbound charter aircraft called up. After the initial details were passed...
APPROACH "Charter 123, how many pax have you on board?"
CHARTER 123 "Oh, it's okay, everything is sorted with handling."
APPROACH (very irate voice) "Charter 123, that is NOT what I asked you!"
CHARTER 123 (very laid back voice) "Morning, (First name), I see you're in fine form this morning!"
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 43
Likes: 0
From: southampton
A few years ago at a MAJOR london airport one of the TWR ATCOs arranged for a friend out of a small airfield nearby to do an ILS approach, and i think a touch and go on XMAS day. He coerced a friend in APP to help him out. Typically just as the Cessna was over the threshold, the BAA duty operations manager decided to "drop by" the VCR for a chat and wish us all a merry xmas. He never said anything, but did look rather strangely at the A/C on APP. Lets just say everyone did their best to distract him.
Things got worse when the pilot returned and rang all his mates, who immediately jumped in their planes and called APP for the same!! Approach were quite busy that XMAS!!
Things got worse when the pilot returned and rang all his mates, who immediately jumped in their planes and called APP for the same!! Approach were quite busy that XMAS!!
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 43
Likes: 0
From: southampton
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 40
Likes: 0
From: bedford
Confused
True story which stills makes me smile: Couple of years ago I was working in Texas teaching commercial students most of which were Mexican! One particular student was very keen but struggled with the language and hence radio work at times became a bit of an issue. I had suggested to him that as a future professional pilot it might be good practice to add a polite 'good morning' or 'good afternoon' to his initial calls to ATC. Few days later having done a night flight to Austin and appropriately coffeed and refreshed we were getting ready to fly back to San Antonio and said student makes initial call remembering my 'words of wisdom'. "Austin Tower, N*****, Good Night". There followed an appopriate stunned silence then entering into the spirit of things, "N*****, Austin Tower... Sleep well"
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 33
Likes: 0
From: Verona
Italian humor
The following happened few months ago in a big Italian Airport.
Approach: **** Reduce speed 230 knots.
Pilot: **** Roger, reducing speed 230 knot. But wich is this thing preciding that go so slower??
Approach: **** The preciding thing is a 737 the preciding thing that preceding thr thing preciding you is a Fokker 27, in head of all traffic an airport that must insert departures.
Pilot
: **** Roger.
Sorry for bad translation I hope you will understand.
Ema_ATC
Approach: **** Reduce speed 230 knots.
Pilot: **** Roger, reducing speed 230 knot. But wich is this thing preciding that go so slower??
Approach: **** The preciding thing is a 737 the preciding thing that preceding thr thing preciding you is a Fokker 27, in head of all traffic an airport that must insert departures.
Pilot
: **** Roger.Sorry for bad translation I hope you will understand.
Ema_ATC
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 183
Likes: 0
From: Cambridgeshire
Summer Solstice
This morning at 0430L a C172 disturbed my sleepiness to ask to cross our Class D airspace, en route to Avebury Stone Circles. Forgetting what day it was I asked............why?
"Oh I just like looking at daft hippies dancing around naked"
Even funnier at Avebury he couldnt remain VMC so had to bin it, was it really worth getting up that early!
NM
"Oh I just like looking at daft hippies dancing around naked"
Even funnier at Avebury he couldnt remain VMC so had to bin it, was it really worth getting up that early!
NM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,045
Likes: 1
From: North of CDG
About two years ago, flying a PA28 IFR down to Exeter, ATC asked if I was in VMC at that altitude.
Me: "affirm, just passing Uppotery airfield"
EXT radar (quick as a flash): "actually, that would be Dunkeswell"
Me (laughing): "I stand corrected"
EXT radar: "I know my world!"
Me: "affirm, just passing Uppotery airfield"
EXT radar (quick as a flash): "actually, that would be Dunkeswell"
Me (laughing): "I stand corrected"
EXT radar: "I know my world!"
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 307
Likes: 0
From: London
somewhere, 40 miles from finals...
St. Mawgan App: G-xxxx, do you require vectors to the ILS?
Lazy Pilot: affirm, G-xxxx
Even lazier St. Mawgan App: G-xxxx, say and maintain present heading, report localizer established.
St. Mawgan App: G-xxxx, do you require vectors to the ILS?
Lazy Pilot: affirm, G-xxxx
Even lazier St. Mawgan App: G-xxxx, say and maintain present heading, report localizer established.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 34
Likes: 0
From: In the pointy end
Student Pilots!!
At YSBK,
trainee pilot on first flight:" Tower good morning... this is sunny 152 , Ready to take off ! "
tower: " G'day sir.nice knowing you, however now lets make life easier for us and tell me your callsign !
trainee pilot on first flight:" Tower good morning... this is sunny 152 , Ready to take off ! "
tower: " G'day sir.nice knowing you, however now lets make life easier for us and tell me your callsign !
Last edited by airborneforever; 2nd November 2007 at 18:41.
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 91
Likes: 0
From: Durkadurkastan
All belly, no brains
From the BBC regarding truck drivers:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6260516.stm
"Blokes usually get in a vehicle thinking they already know everything about driving and there's nothing I can teach them.
Looking at the dashboard, I don't know how they come to such a conclusion. It resembles an air-traffic control centre - a vast swathe of dials and lights."
I do not frequent ATC towers (but I'm sure I provide them with much amusement as I struggle around the Booker ATZ), so can anybody confirm the presence of these dials and lights? What are the dials for and do the lights flash?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6260516.stm
"Blokes usually get in a vehicle thinking they already know everything about driving and there's nothing I can teach them.
Looking at the dashboard, I don't know how they come to such a conclusion. It resembles an air-traffic control centre - a vast swathe of dials and lights."
I do not frequent ATC towers (but I'm sure I provide them with much amusement as I struggle around the Booker ATZ), so can anybody confirm the presence of these dials and lights? What are the dials for and do the lights flash?
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 175
Likes: 0
From: Karup, Denmark
Not working at an ACC - but a "Tower/Approach":
Yes, lights flash. Beepers "beep" etc....most of the time with false warnings, of course.
But fortunately we don't have the "B-movie" radar displays, that go "beep" everytime it hits a target
(And generally the radars rotate clockwise).
Fair question from a female visitor:
"Don't you get tired of following the sweep round and round all day?"
(Yes, I would)
Yes, lights flash. Beepers "beep" etc....most of the time with false warnings, of course.
But fortunately we don't have the "B-movie" radar displays, that go "beep" everytime it hits a target
(And generally the radars rotate clockwise).Fair question from a female visitor:
"Don't you get tired of following the sweep round and round all day?"
(Yes, I would)
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,267
Likes: 36
From: uk
Heard this one in FL, made me chuckle.
Daytona approach, Cessna N1234AB 10miles north of the field, 2500' altimeter setting 29.92, VFR to Fort Pierce, request flight following
Controller "Absolutely perfect call 23AB, I am sure Daytona Approach would like to hear it as well on 123.45"
Daytona approach, Cessna N1234AB 10miles north of the field, 2500' altimeter setting 29.92, VFR to Fort Pierce, request flight following
Controller "Absolutely perfect call 23AB, I am sure Daytona Approach would like to hear it as well on 123.45"
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 26
Likes: 0
From: Marlow
I was an air traffick controller (airfields, ships, centres, development centres) and then became a commercial pilot.
In all my aviation experience the only thing I couldn't solve (not that I ever solved any thing correctly) without outside assistance was moving an articulated truck someone had carelessly abandoned on a taxiway during an air show.
Strode out macho style climbed in cab and got it started. Could I move it……No. Passer by all in awe of mighty flying machines was able to point out the intricacies of the air braking system. AND even after a university education advanced driving training et al I still put the rear wheels on the curb on my first turn (AND I’m turning left from a taxi way onto a taxi way!!)
How on earth HGVs routinely go around round abouts and stay in their lane is a mystery to me and well beyond my skill set. Flying is much easier.
In all my aviation experience the only thing I couldn't solve (not that I ever solved any thing correctly) without outside assistance was moving an articulated truck someone had carelessly abandoned on a taxiway during an air show.
Strode out macho style climbed in cab and got it started. Could I move it……No. Passer by all in awe of mighty flying machines was able to point out the intricacies of the air braking system. AND even after a university education advanced driving training et al I still put the rear wheels on the curb on my first turn (AND I’m turning left from a taxi way onto a taxi way!!)
How on earth HGVs routinely go around round abouts and stay in their lane is a mystery to me and well beyond my skill set. Flying is much easier.
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 91
Likes: 0
From: Ice Station Zebra
As an HGV1 holder of 20 years, and a lorry driver in my past life, I can't see where the problems are! Just because you've got 16 forward gears which require a gear stick and two buttons to operate, or a twin splitter where there are only 4 gears but each gear is split in to thirds (low, middle and high).
Oh yes, and it's usually a constant mesh box (ie no synchromesh!) as well.
Actually, reversing an artic is easy. If you want a man's test then reverse a lorry and drag - these have a trailer with a steered front axle so there are two pivot points, not just the one. I challenge any one to reverse those around a corner into a garage on their first attempt!
Now back to the thread....
Oh yes, and it's usually a constant mesh box (ie no synchromesh!) as well.
Actually, reversing an artic is easy. If you want a man's test then reverse a lorry and drag - these have a trailer with a steered front axle so there are two pivot points, not just the one. I challenge any one to reverse those around a corner into a garage on their first attempt!
Now back to the thread....