ATC Humour (Merged)
More than just an ATCO
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,773
Likes: 1
From: Up someone's nose
Re: ATC Humour (Merged)
From Avweb today, an oldie, apologies if posted earlier
ATC: F1243, desend and maintain 12-thousand.
F1234: 12-thousand, F1234.
ATC: F1234, can you make it to 12 in one minute?
(short pause)
F1234: Negative. The captain requests I inform you we're going as fast as this Fokker will go.
(silence)
ATC: ...Right. Lufthansa 456, turn right heading 330, please
BTW any of the other grey haired hear remember "The Outbound Calypso"? from LATCC in the late 1960s
The chorus was, "Hey Ho, man alive, open up de throttles and climb to five."
ATC: F1243, desend and maintain 12-thousand.
F1234: 12-thousand, F1234.
ATC: F1234, can you make it to 12 in one minute?
(short pause)
F1234: Negative. The captain requests I inform you we're going as fast as this Fokker will go.
(silence)
ATC: ...Right. Lufthansa 456, turn right heading 330, please
BTW any of the other grey haired hear remember "The Outbound Calypso"? from LATCC in the late 1960s
The chorus was, "Hey Ho, man alive, open up de throttles and climb to five."
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 58
Likes: 0
From: New South Wales
Re: ATC Humour (Merged)
Was flying in an Oz Army Huey a few years ago doing IF training, heading for Maroochydore (bare with me I'm a tradie!)
ATC: "Iroquois 484, maintain heading contact approach 7 miles DME"
Iroq 484: " Maroochy, we do not have DME"
ATC: "okay 484 7 miles on you GPS"
Iroq 484: " Maroochy, we don't have GPS"
ATC: " What equipment do your have to fly IFR then?"
Iroq 484 " Normally a white cane and a guide dog"
ATC: "sounds like our tower!"
ATC: "Iroquois 484, maintain heading contact approach 7 miles DME"
Iroq 484: " Maroochy, we do not have DME"
ATC: "okay 484 7 miles on you GPS"
Iroq 484: " Maroochy, we don't have GPS"
ATC: " What equipment do your have to fly IFR then?"
Iroq 484 " Normally a white cane and a guide dog"
ATC: "sounds like our tower!"
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 267
Likes: 0
From: Three steps from reality
Re: ATC Humour (Merged)
Two recent occasions on which I've got the better of pilots....
Me: "JZAxxxx, turn left heading 260 to intercept Jet 508 on course"
JZAxxxx: "uh, we've got the RNAV today; can we go direct somewhere?"
Me: JZAxxxx, cleared direct somewhere"
And another, while talking to a King Air that was VFR within a practice area (Class F restricted airspace) and I was giving traffic info since I wasn't busy. The King Air was manouvering just enough to make it tricky...
Me: "XXX, traffic in your 12.30, 6 miles, westbound, indicating same altitude unverifed... er, now it's in your 11.30"
XXX: "Okay, we're looking"
Me: "XXX, now it's in your 1 o'clock, 4miles, make that your 1.30"
XXX: "Is that ZULU time or local?"
Me: "He's moving pretty fast so it must be ZULU; he's 7 hours ahead"
Fits of giggles were then heard....
Me: "JZAxxxx, turn left heading 260 to intercept Jet 508 on course"
JZAxxxx: "uh, we've got the RNAV today; can we go direct somewhere?"
Me: JZAxxxx, cleared direct somewhere"
And another, while talking to a King Air that was VFR within a practice area (Class F restricted airspace) and I was giving traffic info since I wasn't busy. The King Air was manouvering just enough to make it tricky...
Me: "XXX, traffic in your 12.30, 6 miles, westbound, indicating same altitude unverifed... er, now it's in your 11.30"
XXX: "Okay, we're looking"
Me: "XXX, now it's in your 1 o'clock, 4miles, make that your 1.30"
XXX: "Is that ZULU time or local?"
Me: "He's moving pretty fast so it must be ZULU; he's 7 hours ahead"
Fits of giggles were then heard....
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 27
Likes: 0
From: UK
Re: ATC Humour (Merged)
Whilst training (long enough ago that no-one will connect this incident with me I hope!) I had a situation where I had a training PA31 on the ILS, with a 748 catching him rapidly, making it highly likely that the trainer would have to be broken off his approach.
I told the PA31 pilot....
"I may have to pull you off, as you are about to be taken from behind by a budgie"....
I told the PA31 pilot....
"I may have to pull you off, as you are about to be taken from behind by a budgie"....
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,694
Likes: 15
From: Wellington,NZ
Overheard long ago, and since used without permission:
(Tower) " You'll have to squeeze the button and talk into the mike, I can't understand you if you just nod and smile."
Another real oldie.
(ATC) "UTA ### report flight conditions"
"UTA### zay again pleeze"
"UTA### are you VMC or IMC"
"Ahh...we are in and out of zee bottoms."
(QFA##...Broad Aussie accent) "Viva la sport, mate."
(Tower) " You'll have to squeeze the button and talk into the mike, I can't understand you if you just nod and smile."
Another real oldie.
(ATC) "UTA ### report flight conditions"
"UTA### zay again pleeze"
"UTA### are you VMC or IMC"
"Ahh...we are in and out of zee bottoms."
(QFA##...Broad Aussie accent) "Viva la sport, mate."
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 303
Likes: 56
From: Europe
Overheard this in LHR last week:
Heatrow GND: "KLM1001, give way to the Air France A319 from the right"
KLM: "Give way to the company traffic from the right, KLM1001"
Heatrow GND: "KLM1001, contact Tower 118.x, Au Revoir!"
Heatrow GND: "KLM1001, give way to the Air France A319 from the right"
KLM: "Give way to the company traffic from the right, KLM1001"
Heatrow GND: "KLM1001, contact Tower 118.x, Au Revoir!"
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 4
Likes: 0
From: Seattle
A busy evening at ORD....
Private pilot here, who also flies >100K/yr on United-- the only airline with ATC on the entertainment system. I always listen, at least for the 80% of flights that the captains are believers and turn it on.
3-4 yr ago on a flight out of ORD, we had pushed back, bad weather, everybody backed up, 50 of you guys all calling for pushback, taxi, or whatever, everybody having trouble getting heard. Female voice comes on with something like "OK, everybody listen up. No replies! United 123, Bravo something, zulu something, left on whatever, hold short at X. Delta 456, do this that and the other to runway something. United 789, give way to company on your right, then follow him. Air Wisconsin xxx, do a, b, c and d." And so on for close to a minute, then "OK, do it!" Silence for 5-10 seconds. Then a lone (male) voice "Everybody still got 'em?" and reply "Dunno, man, afraid to look." True story!
HHH
3-4 yr ago on a flight out of ORD, we had pushed back, bad weather, everybody backed up, 50 of you guys all calling for pushback, taxi, or whatever, everybody having trouble getting heard. Female voice comes on with something like "OK, everybody listen up. No replies! United 123, Bravo something, zulu something, left on whatever, hold short at X. Delta 456, do this that and the other to runway something. United 789, give way to company on your right, then follow him. Air Wisconsin xxx, do a, b, c and d." And so on for close to a minute, then "OK, do it!" Silence for 5-10 seconds. Then a lone (male) voice "Everybody still got 'em?" and reply "Dunno, man, afraid to look." True story!
HHH
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 127
Likes: 0
From: Poland
This is a real one:
An radar approach controller, who is know to always have something funny to say works by the display with quite a heavy traffic. One of the aircraft asks for METAR or sth like that, which is displayed on another monitor.
The reply from the controller is as follows (still makes me laugh):
-Stand by, I have to wear my glasses.
An radar approach controller, who is know to always have something funny to say works by the display with quite a heavy traffic. One of the aircraft asks for METAR or sth like that, which is displayed on another monitor.
The reply from the controller is as follows (still makes me laugh):
-Stand by, I have to wear my glasses.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,359
Likes: 46
From: Hollister, Hilo, Pago Pago, Norfolk Is., Brisbane, depending which day of the week it is...
Flying first lesson with fresh Air Force Cadet and asked him, "So where do you want to go with your flying?"
He replies, "I want to fly fighters with the Air Force!"
Very short time later I took over to avoid leaving the training area.
While turning he asks, "How many g's are we pulling?"
Reply, "About 1.4."
Response, "I don't like g's!"
Wrong career, Sunshine!
He replies, "I want to fly fighters with the Air Force!"
Very short time later I took over to avoid leaving the training area.
While turning he asks, "How many g's are we pulling?"
Reply, "About 1.4."
Response, "I don't like g's!"
Wrong career, Sunshine!
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 74
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From: Planet Plazbot
cut and paste from another forum but it should be here as well
Doing some skydiving outta BB in a Senecca II, i had this Canadian girl 'visiting' me for a bit and anyway, time for her to go home, and her flight left from BNE International. I only had a motorbike at the time, so we got up early, and chucked the door back on the Senecca and whizzed up to BNE.
This is the bit where I agree with CAPT H, the BNE ATC are probably the most helpful, friendly and funny bunch of controllers I have dealt with...
Advised to take the high speed taxiway to left "keep that little thing cranking along" I was asked if I wanted directions to the GA park... I then told them, I had a pax for an international flight... the reply "Rrrrriiiggggghhhttttt... hold posistion" 5 minutes later, I was directed to bay 78 at the international terminal!!! Slotted the senny inbetween a Thai a/w's 777 and QF 747, unloaded everything, and she was escorted round the other side by the nice customs people! During this time, EVERYBODY came over for a look, and windows in the flightdecks above me had a steady procession of surprised faces in them!!
Goodbyes said, I jumped into the plane and listened to ATIS, noting that a push-back approval was required, which I requested!! They laughed, said "Push back approved, and we want to see how you are going to do that.
I jumped out, pushed the senny back by hand around 20 feet, jumped in, started up and requested taxi clearance!
Taxied out to the active, and they asked me (snickering!!)if "required the full length of the runway? I told them that since I being charged landing fees, I am going to get the most out of them, and that yes, I would line up at the threshold!
Safely airbourne, BNE centre warned the approaching 747 for wake turb for the departing Senecca!! Very funny...
Originally Posted by RatsoerA
Doing some skydiving outta BB in a Senecca II, i had this Canadian girl 'visiting' me for a bit and anyway, time for her to go home, and her flight left from BNE International. I only had a motorbike at the time, so we got up early, and chucked the door back on the Senecca and whizzed up to BNE.
This is the bit where I agree with CAPT H, the BNE ATC are probably the most helpful, friendly and funny bunch of controllers I have dealt with...
Advised to take the high speed taxiway to left "keep that little thing cranking along" I was asked if I wanted directions to the GA park... I then told them, I had a pax for an international flight... the reply "Rrrrriiiggggghhhttttt... hold posistion" 5 minutes later, I was directed to bay 78 at the international terminal!!! Slotted the senny inbetween a Thai a/w's 777 and QF 747, unloaded everything, and she was escorted round the other side by the nice customs people! During this time, EVERYBODY came over for a look, and windows in the flightdecks above me had a steady procession of surprised faces in them!!
Goodbyes said, I jumped into the plane and listened to ATIS, noting that a push-back approval was required, which I requested!! They laughed, said "Push back approved, and we want to see how you are going to do that.
I jumped out, pushed the senny back by hand around 20 feet, jumped in, started up and requested taxi clearance!
Taxied out to the active, and they asked me (snickering!!)if "required the full length of the runway? I told them that since I being charged landing fees, I am going to get the most out of them, and that yes, I would line up at the threshold!
Safely airbourne, BNE centre warned the approaching 747 for wake turb for the departing Senecca!! Very funny...
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 491
Likes: 0
From: 'Stralia!
Reading this thread and thought of another one that happened to me in the late 90's.
Flying a single engine charter in a Piper Dakota from sydney to Lismore, and on approach into Lismore Eastern 1717 (I think... anyway a QF Dash 8) was catching me from behind.
Controller advised Eastern
BNE CN: Eastern 1717 Traffic your 11 0 clock 6 miles a DC3, 6500 for Lismore.
ESTN 1717: Ahh, looking...
ABQ (Me): Ahhh, centre, we are a PIPER Dakota, not a DOUGLAS dakota...
BNE CN: Right... Eastern 1717: Traffic half an Aztec 11 oclock 4 miles 5900...
ABQ (Me): Touche, Brisbane Centre...
Flying a single engine charter in a Piper Dakota from sydney to Lismore, and on approach into Lismore Eastern 1717 (I think... anyway a QF Dash 8) was catching me from behind.
Controller advised Eastern
BNE CN: Eastern 1717 Traffic your 11 0 clock 6 miles a DC3, 6500 for Lismore.
ESTN 1717: Ahh, looking...
ABQ (Me): Ahhh, centre, we are a PIPER Dakota, not a DOUGLAS dakota...
BNE CN: Right... Eastern 1717: Traffic half an Aztec 11 oclock 4 miles 5900...
ABQ (Me): Touche, Brisbane Centre...
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 267
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From: Three steps from reality
So there was VQP (or something like that), a LR35 whose flightplan went via FUDGY.....
Me: "Victor Quebec Fudgy, cleared direct..... I mean Victor Quebec Papa, cleared direct Fudgy on course"
VQP: "Roger, Fudgy on course"
Me: West Jet 73, Centre now on 132.05"
West Jet 73: "Terminal... [giggles] um.. [more giggles] ahhh [giggles continue]... sorry, what was that frequency again?"
Me: [now also giggling] 132.05, and Fudgy's what his friends call him!"
Me: "Victor Quebec Fudgy, cleared direct..... I mean Victor Quebec Papa, cleared direct Fudgy on course"
VQP: "Roger, Fudgy on course"
Me: West Jet 73, Centre now on 132.05"
West Jet 73: "Terminal... [giggles] um.. [more giggles] ahhh [giggles continue]... sorry, what was that frequency again?"
Me: [now also giggling] 132.05, and Fudgy's what his friends call him!"
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 62
Likes: 0
From: in a house
overheard on a frequency somewhere in the southwest!!
atc: gxxxx are you familiar with xxx as published?
gxxxx: affirm.
atc: roger, ils approach minima 200ft. Report cockpit checks complete.
gxxxx: ah.....roger.
the pilot then left the tx switch on and we heard him as he turned to his passengers, '' Right shut it you lot, i've never done this before!''
atc: gxxxx are you familiar with xxx as published?
gxxxx: affirm.
atc: roger, ils approach minima 200ft. Report cockpit checks complete.
gxxxx: ah.....roger.
the pilot then left the tx switch on and we heard him as he turned to his passengers, '' Right shut it you lot, i've never done this before!''
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 62
Likes: 0
From: in a house
and another! southwest again!
just been handed over a mayday from D+D
A/C: Approach this is mayday vixen 1
App: Mayday vixen 1, good morning!! (said in annoyingly chipper voice!)
A/C: Thanks. I've had better.
thats true that is!
just been handed over a mayday from D+D
A/C: Approach this is mayday vixen 1
App: Mayday vixen 1, good morning!! (said in annoyingly chipper voice!)
A/C: Thanks. I've had better.
thats true that is!
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4
Likes: 0
From: England
ATC humour
A true story...........
After an hour and a half of a US KC135 bashing the visual cct at an RAF station somewhere at the far end of the Med. A female has been doing all the radio calls and finally asks to land. As the 135 vacates and approaches the tower a male voice says
'A****** Tower @@@@ confirm dispersal and bay'
'@@@@ A***** Tower your parking blah blah blah'
'@@@@ thanks tower'
There was a pause, just to let them get abeam the tower and then
'I see you still had to get a man to park it........'
A little while later, when the bun fight out to the east was on, a USAF KC135 that was arriving in theater calls
'A****** Tower, Alaskan Airlines @@@ short finals to land'
Big thinks bubble........(from both of us)
'Your a long way from home.......Cleared to land.'
Working a a Whiltshire transport base
'L****** zone G-JRRR requesting a RIS'
'Romeo, Romeo, Romeo L****** Zone where for art thou?'
After an hour and a half of a US KC135 bashing the visual cct at an RAF station somewhere at the far end of the Med. A female has been doing all the radio calls and finally asks to land. As the 135 vacates and approaches the tower a male voice says
'A****** Tower @@@@ confirm dispersal and bay'
'@@@@ A***** Tower your parking blah blah blah'
'@@@@ thanks tower'
There was a pause, just to let them get abeam the tower and then
'I see you still had to get a man to park it........'
A little while later, when the bun fight out to the east was on, a USAF KC135 that was arriving in theater calls
'A****** Tower, Alaskan Airlines @@@ short finals to land'
Big thinks bubble........(from both of us)
'Your a long way from home.......Cleared to land.'
Working a a Whiltshire transport base
'L****** zone G-JRRR requesting a RIS'
'Romeo, Romeo, Romeo L****** Zone where for art thou?'
Last edited by Megamoto; 14th August 2006 at 14:00.
Jet Blast Rat
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,081
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From: Sarfend-on-Sea
Surely that would have been G-GRRR, the Sarum-based Bulldog. Great reg for 'dog. I'm not a sad spotter, just have flown the area a lot, flew UAS in Bulldogs and noticed teh reg!
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 33
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From: Europe
heard in Europe some time ago :
GND: Finnair 123 , taxi A to gate 26.
ACFT: A to 26 ,Finnair 123
after 1 minute :
GND: Finnair 123, you have just passed your gate.
ACFT: Upss, sorry Finnair 123....
GND: o'kay,turn left now and then taxi to your gate again.
ACFT : yeah,three-sixty to the left and taxi back to gate, Finnair 123
GND: I think one-eighty would be better.....
ch767
GND: Finnair 123 , taxi A to gate 26.
ACFT: A to 26 ,Finnair 123
after 1 minute :
GND: Finnair 123, you have just passed your gate.
ACFT: Upss, sorry Finnair 123....
GND: o'kay,turn left now and then taxi to your gate again.
ACFT : yeah,three-sixty to the left and taxi back to gate, Finnair 123
GND: I think one-eighty would be better.....
ch767