I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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Absolutely totally honest story of a WAAF ATC controller at Coltisahall (GW are the initials) who back in the 70's (god I'm old) caused at least one Jag pilot to circle for at leat 15 minutes in tears after coming out with ""Overshoot, overshoot, I've just had an abortion on the runway".
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ok sorry drop tank, how about this, more of a visual gag but here goes.
Following an inter-course rugby match pi$$ up, despite lengthy pleas from the bar staff to refrain, everyone is merrily whizzing beermats around the rugby club, frisbee style.....until one hits the CO's wife squarely between the eyes.
The place freezes...the odd glass rolls off a table and smashes...a little subdued laughing here and there and someone at the back swears quietly, then the suitably infuriated boss declares the whole wing is on parade the next morning. Crack of sparrows the next day, entire training wing (the thick end of 1000 young blokes) is lined up on the Square, the SWO pacing up and down behind the ranks swearing profusely, until the boss arrives.
SWO calls the whole wing to attention, 1000 size 9 boots stamp the tarmac of the parade square, boss clambers on to dias and is faced by.....row upon row of witty chaps all with beer mats wedged on the bridge of their nose.
(After about the third day of a further week of early morning wing parades even we couldn't see the joke anymore)
[This message has been edited by Talking Radalt (edited 21 July 2000).]
Following an inter-course rugby match pi$$ up, despite lengthy pleas from the bar staff to refrain, everyone is merrily whizzing beermats around the rugby club, frisbee style.....until one hits the CO's wife squarely between the eyes.
The place freezes...the odd glass rolls off a table and smashes...a little subdued laughing here and there and someone at the back swears quietly, then the suitably infuriated boss declares the whole wing is on parade the next morning. Crack of sparrows the next day, entire training wing (the thick end of 1000 young blokes) is lined up on the Square, the SWO pacing up and down behind the ranks swearing profusely, until the boss arrives.
SWO calls the whole wing to attention, 1000 size 9 boots stamp the tarmac of the parade square, boss clambers on to dias and is faced by.....row upon row of witty chaps all with beer mats wedged on the bridge of their nose.
(After about the third day of a further week of early morning wing parades even we couldn't see the joke anymore)
[This message has been edited by Talking Radalt (edited 21 July 2000).]
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I had the honour of taking a bollocking for one of my air engineer mechanics (Navy) at MPA.
Said young (and dim) man was wandering in his most slovenly and hats off manner up the main drag when he spotted a Royal Signals Major in best mess rig (all gold, fiddly bits and red stripes down the legs etc) on the way to a mess dinner. In true FAA fashion he shoved his hands in his pockets and fixed his gaze 1 pace ahead of him.
As they passed the Major stopped and looked straight at him, then bellowed “Don’t you pay compliments to Officers in your service young man?”
“Nice Strides Sir!” came the immediate reply. I think the Duty Man tracked me down in about 3 minutes!
Said young (and dim) man was wandering in his most slovenly and hats off manner up the main drag when he spotted a Royal Signals Major in best mess rig (all gold, fiddly bits and red stripes down the legs etc) on the way to a mess dinner. In true FAA fashion he shoved his hands in his pockets and fixed his gaze 1 pace ahead of him.
As they passed the Major stopped and looked straight at him, then bellowed “Don’t you pay compliments to Officers in your service young man?”
“Nice Strides Sir!” came the immediate reply. I think the Duty Man tracked me down in about 3 minutes!
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The RC sky pilot at Gutersloh was a top bloke who spent a lot of time going between the sqns and support units to speak to the guys at work and generally spend time listening. One day he payed us a visit and was encouraging us to make daily thought offerings as a way to come to terms with pricatical difficulties people were facing of sort or another. By thinking about the things near and dear to us, he argued, we could dispell thoughts of fear and anxiety and prevent us from becoming overwelemed and withdrawn. he used the analogy of a waking from a nightmare, and by contrast waking from a nice, pleasant ream. he asked "when you have a dream that makes you feel all warm and fluffy and you wake up and think HHHMMMMM *shakes shoulders and smiles*, what's the first thing you do?"......"Wipe the sheets!" I replied
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Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!
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Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!
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Rashid range in Middle East.
4 Hunters on bombs/rockets/strafe sortie, carrying 230 gallon drop tanks.
In those days, switches were a nightmare, with every aircraft having weapons switches in different places.
You can guess the outcome, but the good bit was, having pickled off the drop tanks instead of practice bombs, the chappies' very next radio call was --- "2 Bingo".
4 Hunters on bombs/rockets/strafe sortie, carrying 230 gallon drop tanks.
In those days, switches were a nightmare, with every aircraft having weapons switches in different places.
You can guess the outcome, but the good bit was, having pickled off the drop tanks instead of practice bombs, the chappies' very next radio call was --- "2 Bingo".
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Second-hand story I'm afraid, but worth passind on:
An exchange between an American pilot and London Mil, sporting a particularly sexy female voice:
ATC: "blah blah....QNH 1020"
Yank "Be advised ma'am that I need that in inches"
ATC "Don't we all"
An exchange between an American pilot and London Mil, sporting a particularly sexy female voice:
ATC: "blah blah....QNH 1020"
Yank "Be advised ma'am that I need that in inches"
ATC "Don't we all"
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Again Leuchars F4s.
Lead: "2, Sunray, how do I turn on my gunsight"
(Sunray (Stn Cdr) had just arrived from CY and OCU on FGR2, he justified himself on the grounds that he new the emergency action differences between the FG1 and FGR2 but could not be expected to know all the minor differences between the marks from the start. Personally, I thought the weapon system in a military jet had a certain primary function, but who am I to argue with a future 3/4 star??)
Lead: "2, Sunray, how do I turn on my gunsight"
(Sunray (Stn Cdr) had just arrived from CY and OCU on FGR2, he justified himself on the grounds that he new the emergency action differences between the FG1 and FGR2 but could not be expected to know all the minor differences between the marks from the start. Personally, I thought the weapon system in a military jet had a certain primary function, but who am I to argue with a future 3/4 star??)
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Student snags transponder:"ATC report no height readout"
Fault is cleared:"The label NO HEIGHT INFORMATION affixed to the transponder pointed out to pilot as indicating that the transponder will not transmit height information"
And again:
Student reports:"ATC report weak Comm 1 transmissions"
Fault is cleared:"Knob on end of microphone changed!! Pilot rebriefed on where to position microphone when making radio transmissions"
Fault is cleared:"The label NO HEIGHT INFORMATION affixed to the transponder pointed out to pilot as indicating that the transponder will not transmit height information"
And again:
Student reports:"ATC report weak Comm 1 transmissions"
Fault is cleared:"Knob on end of microphone changed!! Pilot rebriefed on where to position microphone when making radio transmissions"
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Nellis AFB
"Thor 03, clear to land RW 13 left.Caution C-130 is awaiting departure on RW 13 Right.
"Roger-erm, what height is the C-130 at??" Stunned silence from tower.
En-Route to Montevid with AOC and wife aboard. ALM, 20 mins after handing out the butty boxes, asked the 2* on intercom
"Is your wifes box nice sir?"
"Thor 03, clear to land RW 13 left.Caution C-130 is awaiting departure on RW 13 Right.
"Roger-erm, what height is the C-130 at??" Stunned silence from tower.
En-Route to Montevid with AOC and wife aboard. ALM, 20 mins after handing out the butty boxes, asked the 2* on intercom
"Is your wifes box nice sir?"
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In the days of the last century (mid-late 70's, empire still in living memory, Vulcans in Cyprus) the Hawk was very shiny and barely run in. The Gnat was the purist machine of choice.
The story goes of a Gnat 4-ship returning for a break: QFI in #4, stoods in 1,2 & 3
500', 420kts, nice and tight lads, watch the spacing round the corner, 2 second break on my call, and remember - snap roll and 4 g turn for plane spotters symmetry.
What happens?
Break break - go - #1 - roll and pull; #2 - roll and pull; #3 pull and roll ; QFI roll and pull while struggling to see altitood gaining stood!
4 minutes later a mysterious gnat rejoined from the overhead, and a 4 ship did an absent friend finals!
trouble is, never actually met the jock: I suspect everyone tried that at some time!
The story goes of a Gnat 4-ship returning for a break: QFI in #4, stoods in 1,2 & 3
500', 420kts, nice and tight lads, watch the spacing round the corner, 2 second break on my call, and remember - snap roll and 4 g turn for plane spotters symmetry.
What happens?
Break break - go - #1 - roll and pull; #2 - roll and pull; #3 pull and roll ; QFI roll and pull while struggling to see altitood gaining stood!
4 minutes later a mysterious gnat rejoined from the overhead, and a 4 ship did an absent friend finals!
trouble is, never actually met the jock: I suspect everyone tried that at some time!
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Just before the NCO aircrew "after lunch" parade at Finningly one of the guys is told that the back of his No 2 jacket is covered in tomato ketchup (a jolly prank from the junior ranks with who(m)? we shared a mess).
Anyway, said chap has no time to clear it off and decides to brave it out at the back of the parade, hoping the inspecting officer will bore of the task before getting to him (as often happened).
Unfortunately the Officer was in a particularly meticulous mood today and the whole parade held its breath as he went behind mateyboy.
"OH MY GOD T*******N, WHAT THE F*** IS THIS ON YOUR BACK!!!!!????"
"Errrr....tomato ketchup sir".
"I KNOW WHAT IT F***ING WELL IS, WHAT THE F*** IS IT DOING THERE!?"
"Well sir, errrm, we'd run out of salad cream".
Inspecting officer departs very quickly, no more is said.
Anyway, said chap has no time to clear it off and decides to brave it out at the back of the parade, hoping the inspecting officer will bore of the task before getting to him (as often happened).
Unfortunately the Officer was in a particularly meticulous mood today and the whole parade held its breath as he went behind mateyboy.
"OH MY GOD T*******N, WHAT THE F*** IS THIS ON YOUR BACK!!!!!????"
"Errrr....tomato ketchup sir".
"I KNOW WHAT IT F***ING WELL IS, WHAT THE F*** IS IT DOING THERE!?"
"Well sir, errrm, we'd run out of salad cream".
Inspecting officer departs very quickly, no more is said.
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Great! Really enjoyed the weekend's crop - must be the beer 'cos it can't be the weather that brought you out in droves!
Went to a Dining-in Night once - Can't remember which decade but very vaguely remember that 9 of us got there in a Ford Popular. When it got to the speeches at the end, we were dining-out about 8 million people and the 'Staish' (Yuk! Yoof-speak!!) was meticulous about giving each his/her 5 minutes of 'stroking' so, by the time the reply was delivered, all present well and truly 'bladder-wracked'.
Reply delivered by a 'retiree' who, after 35 years service, wished to relive every moment with us on his last night in the 'Mob'. After about 20 minutes, having reached the Korean War, he was forced to pause for breath. Into the (temporary) silence, a Wee Small Voice from the bottom of one of the tables crashed with:
'Oh God! Why doesn't the old fa%t shut up. I'm desperate for a p*ss!'
(The 'Staish') 'Whoever said that - in my office 0800 tomorrow morning!'
[Wee Small Voice'] 'Thanks for the offer, Sir, but I need to go now!'
Went to a Dining-in Night once - Can't remember which decade but very vaguely remember that 9 of us got there in a Ford Popular. When it got to the speeches at the end, we were dining-out about 8 million people and the 'Staish' (Yuk! Yoof-speak!!) was meticulous about giving each his/her 5 minutes of 'stroking' so, by the time the reply was delivered, all present well and truly 'bladder-wracked'.
Reply delivered by a 'retiree' who, after 35 years service, wished to relive every moment with us on his last night in the 'Mob'. After about 20 minutes, having reached the Korean War, he was forced to pause for breath. Into the (temporary) silence, a Wee Small Voice from the bottom of one of the tables crashed with:
'Oh God! Why doesn't the old fa%t shut up. I'm desperate for a p*ss!'
(The 'Staish') 'Whoever said that - in my office 0800 tomorrow morning!'
[Wee Small Voice'] 'Thanks for the offer, Sir, but I need to go now!'
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IOT Peacekeeper (Camp 2 for the older ones). Cadets setting up an enemy patrol ambush under the command of a very young, slightly naive, direct entrant. 'Right', she says 'we'll all be in position, but remember - no-one is to fire until fired upon.'
'But we're the enemy and aren't we supposed to be ambushing them?'.
To which she replies,'Well, it doesn't seem very fair does it?'.
Later in the same patrol, she gave the instruction 'When I pat my head like this (indicates) I want you all to come on me quickly'.
Military discipline in the patrol collapsed.
'But we're the enemy and aren't we supposed to be ambushing them?'.
To which she replies,'Well, it doesn't seem very fair does it?'.
Later in the same patrol, she gave the instruction 'When I pat my head like this (indicates) I want you all to come on me quickly'.
Military discipline in the patrol collapsed.
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During the chipmunk phase of the pilot’s course at MW the time had come for our first solos. Naturally we all agreed to meet up just South of Salisbury for the obligatory dogfight. My very good friend found himself a few hours later at three thousand feet stooging around the cathedral waiting for said matey to arrive. Once spied the dive was commenced straight out of the sun and as he flashed past the lonesome chippy he was heard to cry; "dagga, dagga, dagga" on the radio in the time honoured tradition. It was only as he reached terminal velocity abeam the target that he realised there were two very visible helmets to be seen!! Back in the students crewroom it didn’t take long before the call came through on the tannoy summoning him to the CFIs office where he was asked in no uncertain terms as to what the f**k he thought he was doing and what the hell was he saying “dagga, dagga, dagga” for on the radio? To which my friend replied; “I’m sorry Sir, I was to close for rockets I had to go for guns” - He passed the course too!
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RAF Station, Germany, Cold War days.
Telephone call to the Officers' Mess, answered by the SDO:
Caller - 'hello, can I speak with the Station Commander, please. This is Air Chief Marshall X'
SDO - Pull the other one'
Caller - 'This is ACM X'
SDO - 'F**k off, Noddy' - puts phone down.
Next day, Harry's office, SDO ordered to London for 'Interview without coffee' in ACMs office. Arrives the next day at 0830 in No 1's, and waits in ACM's outer office ... all day. Finally at the end of the day, gets the summons, marches into office. After 5 minutes' of SDO standing to attention, ACM looks up from his dek, says 'F**k off, Noddy', carries on working. End of interview.
Telephone call to the Officers' Mess, answered by the SDO:
Caller - 'hello, can I speak with the Station Commander, please. This is Air Chief Marshall X'
SDO - Pull the other one'
Caller - 'This is ACM X'
SDO - 'F**k off, Noddy' - puts phone down.
Next day, Harry's office, SDO ordered to London for 'Interview without coffee' in ACMs office. Arrives the next day at 0830 in No 1's, and waits in ACM's outer office ... all day. Finally at the end of the day, gets the summons, marches into office. After 5 minutes' of SDO standing to attention, ACM looks up from his dek, says 'F**k off, Noddy', carries on working. End of interview.