Lestump, you don't hang round here much, do you?

And I'm sure there are a few round here that would question am I human as well.

How about:

"Check your vacuum, you've got bad attitude."

I have another one, but I'm saving it for when I get slagged good by someone :)

witty retorts
 

Jerricho,

Quite right..... I'm a very occasional visitor. Enjoying the jokes in here though. Started looking for some of Dick Smith's rubbish and found this more entertaining.

I would like to think I'm witty, but some people tell me I'm half right.:(

You'll not find much DS stuff here. I think the D&G zone holds the monopoly.

I overheard this one.

A lady controller at E. NEMA airport gave a base turn heading to a commercial jet pilot. He read it back to her and then immediately went on to say, presumably intending to alert his cabin staff over the PA, but with the VHF still accidentally selected: "If you folks would like to sit down now, we're about to begin our final approach"...

ATC, quick as a flash: "I am sitting down!"

:p

Lestump,

Just a question your not an ex FSO currently working for QF by anychance ??

Don't worry about Jerricho, his wit, decreases with the temperatures he lives in, must be bloody cold there by now Jerricho, not like the days in Bris Vegas heh !!

Actually, not that cold at all Euro!

METAR CYWG 112000Z 06006KT 15SM FEW002 FEW260 19/05 A3013

Almost like a winter's day back home. ;)

Not a witty retort as such but a while ago a colleague at MACC, upon handing off an aircraft late one afternoon shift to a young female controller, instructed the crew to "Contact lovely (female ATCOs name) on 123.45".

Fair play to the crew :ok: The female ATCO had her headset off, as we were quiet at the time so the RT was switched to speaker as is normal, and sure enough, a minute or so later, booming throughout the ops room, a deadpan....................

"Lovely (female ATCOs name) this is................."

To say she blushed is an understatement.

It made us laugh anyway :)

Heard this one recently,

ATC - "Virgin 501 contact Brisbane Centre on 130.9, expect star clearance."

No response.

ATC - "Virgin 501 Brisbane Centre, contact Centre on 130.9, expect star clearance"

No response.

ATC - "Virgin 501 Brisbane Centre"

No response.

ATC - "Virgin 501 Brisbane Centre"

VOZ 501 - "Virgin 501, was that you calling Centre?"

ATC - "Yes Virgin 501, I was beginning to thinks my kids were flying the aircraft, they don't listen to me either!"

Sorry for hijacking your excellent thread, but it was always fantastic to wind up military controllers when flying Wessex/Gazelle/squirrel. When calling finals and they ask confirm gear down.... The reply was always 'down and welded'.

Ah yes 'down and welded' how amusing. How about student rotary pilot being very dull, controller transmits 'speechless ac if you are receving my tx's nod your head', Instructor pops on with, yep he nodded.

I think I have posted this one before, but it is a tribute to the stunning wit of my flying instructor.

We were downwind, and yours truly not having a good day when the tower asked " Golf ****, are you dual or solo?"

Before I could reply, my instructor replied " Well, I think we are dual"

Situation: Civilian LearJet under military contract of some sort is taxiing for departure

ATC: "Lear XXX, say direction of flight?"

NXXX: "That's Classified"

pause

ATC: "Lear XXX, expect a delay.."

NXXX: "Umm, how long?"

ATC: "Depature says that's classified..."



Female controller on busy weekend:

"Y'all pretend we're married and shutup and let me talk"


:E

Heard by a fellow crew-member somewhere over New York airspace:

ATC (Female)(using mid-range female voice): ABCxxx yadda yadda yadda.
ABCxxx (Male)(using Texan-drawl) "Sorry.... was that for ABCxxx?"
ATC: (using higher-than-mid-range female voice) ABCxxx yadda yadda yadda
ABCxxx (as above) "I'm sorry, could you say that a little slower for me?"
ATC (using very-high female-voice-pending-iminent-collision?) ABCxxx yadda yadda yadda NOW
ABCxxx (as above) "Damn, were we married once?"

Apparently a true story, mid 1998

Over Germany;

Rhein radar; "Alitaliaxxx, Rhein....?"

Silence

Rhein; "Alitaliaxxx, Rhein....how do you read?"

Silence

Rhein; "Alitalia, Rhein radar.....?


Unidentified german pilot;" Zey probably vent on a spontanious strike"

Heard in DUB the other day...

"Specsaver xxx, Approach, are you still IMC"?

"Approach from Specsaver xxx, off course not - we are visual!"

:p Empty

Absolutely priceless tit-bits here - just not enough hours in the day to read em all :p


Some of em reminded me of a story told to me a couple of years back by an old(ish!) instructor:

He was working a fairly quiet en-route sector with not a whole lot happening for hours on end. Two 747's inbound to land with only separation of 1000', otherwise the targets on the screen were merged. Obviously only one of em could be the number 1, but which one? Said controller knew that one of the i/b's was hauling cargo, but couldn't quite remember which one. So, in the interests of expedition etc. he contacted one of the a/c to find out:


ATC: xxx123, yyyy, are you hauling pax or boxes this evening?
(Not exactly standard phraseology admittedly!)

Pilot (in the mandatory slow Southern drawl): Well sir, ah've got abaht 485 units on board, an' Ah reckin abaht half of 'em of got boxes!!

:ooh:



Cue much mirth in the otherwise sleepy center!! :p :\ :} :ok:

Heard a funny today on 130.2 Cottesmore Approach.

ATC: "G-****, state your POB"

G-**** (After pause): "Er, Say again?"

ATC: "G-****, state your POB!"

G-**** (After pause): " Er, overhead.. er... Corby.

ATC: G-****, Roger, ..... clear change to en route frequency, good day!" :rolleyes:

Can't say I blamed him...... :ok:

Apologies to the student pilot who earnestly called himself

Golf Bravo Oscar Foxtrot Michael

I was laughing so much I couldn't answer immediately.

I'd almost forgotten this one:
Student pilot on qualifying Xcountry calls and is unreadable.

ATCO says "unreadable, use the speechless code - once for yes, twice for no. The question is...are you visual with the field?"

Student pilot replies (in anguished voice) having got closer to the field and thus more readable... "once for yes!"

Luckily I remembered 'Aviate, howl with laughter, Navigate, Communicate' or I might never have got down in one piece.

Tori