Back in 1974 or 75 (can't remember which) I was with Air Training Corps at RAF Laarbruch in the Summer Hols, this is when Jaguars were still stationed there.

We were scheduled to do some flying one day (I'm 95% certain it was in Chipmunks but may have been in Bulldogs). Anyway tower warns my instructor that there's an active exercise going on as well so be very aware of other traffic.

We roll down a grass strip and within 30 seconds of taking off some US Fastjet comes screaming across the airfield and passes about 200 yds in front of us with little or no vertical separation.

Twr : Fastjet1 (in a very very agitated voice), Lar Twr - The next time you do that across my airfield without appropriate clearances I'll get them to stick a Bloodhound up your pipe.

In the US if you work for the US Goverment as full time government employee, you are paid on a pay scale designated as GS levels, with a GS-1* as the lowest and a GS 15 the highest.

One day on a flight we were handed off to a new ATC center. As my co-pilot was flying that leg I was handling the radio and the following conversation occured.

Little ol' me; "XXXX, Justice 113 is with you FL-350.

XXXX center; "Roger Justice 113, say level."

Little ol' me, not missing a beat; "GS-14."



* I've never heard of anyone being a GS 1.

Heard on the Isle of Man today;

Tower (female voice); "M-CD, after the small jet on finals, line up and wait"

M-CD; After the small jet, line up and wait, M-CD"

Jet (sounding peeved); "It's not that small, you know..."

Tower (without missing a beat); "I hear it's how you use it that matters...."

Made me chuckle anyhow.. ..

Working departures at DFW one day with a good 'ole redneck on the position next to me... Southwest off Dallas checks in needing to go north and my co-worker tells him to maintain 230 knots in the climb for spacing...

C525 departs another airport (Addison) also going north. Co-worker turns him northbound to preceed the B737 and tells him, Maintain 230 knots or greater. Pilot comes back with we are unable to maintain 230 knots in the climb. Co-worker emphatically states, "You paid all that money for a jet and you can't even do 230 knots?"

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Went to Pittsburgh one day to observe since I thought about bidding there... USAir called for taxi... two SH360 commuters approaching from the left... Ground tells USir, "Follow the pair of shorts, taxi to rwy XX."

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Working Local (tower)... Ground is busy with pushbacks, vehicles, and crossings... Southwest calls for taxi out of the alleyway. "Southwest 123 taxi to Rwy 10 via Bravo" SWA reads it back... As he exits the alleyway he slows due to a vehicle crossing the ramp in front of him... Pilot says, "SWA123 had to slow. That guy just darted out in front of us." Ground says, "Roger, if he is too close for missles go to guns!"

Calm but Wet
 

Just a little one overheard this week at Heathrow:

"Speedbird 333 Papa, cleared to land 09L, wind is calm"
"Cleared to land 09L speedbird 333P, and copy no excuse"
"Well, the runway is wet"
"That'll do"

Today I was flying a cessna172 out of KSPI Springfield Illinois.

USAF 737 from Scott Air Force Base, ILS training.

I called inbound 11 miles request landing instructions.

Land runway 4 number one for landing.

737 downwind, calls for landing, follow the c172 on 8mile final.....

I thought this is going to be interesting!

ATC Cessna expedite landing!

Me expediting!

737 do you want me to extend downwind.

ATC Cessna change course to 360 deg.

Me wilco.

ATC to 737 turn right base number one for landing! Caution the c172 out to your left 9oclock.

737 replies.

ATC Cessna turn right & follow the C130 landing ahead of you caution the wake turbulence!

Me turn right, can see a 737 in front but no C130!

ATC thank you sir! I was just about to correct myself.....

737 we don't have that many engines.... Hear them laughing in the background...:ok:

Sounds like a bad day in the office rather than humour.

Traffic advisory, circa 1977, New York Metro area:
Center: Speedbird xxx, traffic two o'clock, a Lufthansa 747, westbound, climbing to xx thousand.
BAxxx: Roger New York; we have him in our sights.
An ex-RAF pilot, perhaps?

Funny ATC Shirts
 

Thought these were funny, saw them on Facebook.

http://images.teespring.com/og_pic/1...2904/front.png

http://images.teespring.com/og_pic/1...7282/front.png

http://images.teespring.com/og_pic/1...5560/front.png

Was flying into Perth as part of my training in a Mooney M20, when ATC told an EK 777, "Line up behind the Mooney on final, behind" and the EK pilot responded "Whats a Mooney?"

Had a bit of a laugh, seeing as I was flying the Mooney, but just wished the controller would make some sort of witty comment, but no.

perth again ....many years ago i was joining overhead at jandakot in aero commander vh-wam . tower asks 'any news regarding company aircraft mike alpha mike ? ' . experiencing a complete sense of humour failure i replied ' not aware of that aircraft' . tower asks again ' any news regarding company aircraft bravo alpha mike ? ' . a little confused now , still not getting it and wondering ' what the .... ' i replied ' not aware etc ' . only when given cnce to land with giggling in the background did the penny drop . taxying back by the tower a little 'porpoising' with the brakes produced more giggling from the ground guy .

German - Polish border. ACC. Severe turbulence reported by multiple aircraft between FL350 and FL380.
Aeroflot plane checks in with a heavy Russian accent:

Radar, this is AFL123 climbing FL370 passing FL245
AFL123 radar, climb FL370, be advised severe turbulence reported up to FL380
Climbing FL370, AFL123

Few minutes pass, acft maintains FL370, we can see some mode Charlie variations.

AFL123, radar, do you experience any turbulence?
Affirm AFL123
How strong?
Severe, AFL123
AFL123 do you request level change?
Negative AFL123

Consternation in the center. After few seconds a question is asked.
AFL123, radar, are you a cargo flight?
Radar, AFL123, negative, we are carrying German soldiers.

Not a full funny moment, but still...happened just yesterday...

XYZ123 (female pilot with a verrrry sexy voice) - TWR, good day, we are ready for clearance

TWR - XYZ, good day, cleared via YZX departure, squawk 1234.

XYZ123 - Cleared via YZX etc.

TWR - XYZ clearance correct, report when fully ready for startup and pushback

XYZ123 (with the same soft & silky voice) - TWR, we are ready for EVERYTHING

Looooooooong pause on frequency...

TWR (with chuckles on the backround, and sounds like hesitating either to respond wittily and smart, or totally professional) - XYZ123, well, for starters startup and pushback are approved...

Someone in a hurry
 

Many years back I used to monitor area and terminal radar at Auckland when a domestic 767 checked in with the area controller at Ohura (several hundred miles from touchdown)

ABC767: "ABC767 with you FL XXX, any speed restrictions?"
Area: "ABC767 identified, you will have to ask the next sector about the speed"

Clearly the area controller passed on the speed request as when the 76 checked in with Terminal (50 miles from touchdown) I heard;

ABC767: "ABC767 with you descending to 11 thousand"
Term "ABC767, cleared to the VOR, 900 knots, descend 6000' "
ABC767: "Roger, going supersonic, descending to 6000' "

Made me smile.

Many years ago - just started a JFK LAX service with BOAC so hanging in the sky somewhere in the mid-west.
ATC - Say Speedbird what's a VC15?
Me - It's a Super VC10
ATC - What's That?
Unidentified American Voice - It's a kind of a hot rod Visssscount.

LEBL ATIS

Haha Lon, educational you tube...

Absolute Classic

Hello Marmite Speedbird ....

Marmite didnt lose a beat and danced the hello back :rolleyes:

She is magic...

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.


Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off.
Std: What should I do? What should I do?
Inst: What do you think you should do?
Std: Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.
Inst: That's a good idea.

(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off, runway 12.
Std: What should I do? What should I do?
Inst: What do you think you should do?
Std: Maybe I should tell the tower.
Inst: That's a good idea.
Std: Cessna 123, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger 123, hold your position — Deer on runway 12 cleared for immediate departure.

(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for departure, runway 12. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

(from EDDHde)