Last time I was state side, flying into little rock;

LIT TWR: “Cessna 26lima make left traffic for runway one eight you are number 2 behind a Cherokee”
26L: “make left traffic for one eight and number 2, traffic in sight, 26lima”
LIT TWR: “ 26 lima, there is a bonanza coming in on long final”
26L: “so, what do you expect me to do about it?”
LIT TWR: “errrrm,…26lima, give me full speed from where you are, don’t square off your base, make short approach for one eight”
26L: “errrm, okeydokey, 26lima”!

Way back when, when my instructor cleared me for my first solo flight, they told me to make three touch-and-go landings. So, ever the dutiful student, I requested three touch-and-goes from the tower.

Of course the tower, expecting the usual full stop landing the third time around for a first solo, was wondering why I was back in the air after the third one, and cleared me for a full stop (when I asked for it) the fourth time around...

:eek: :confused: :rolleyes:

Lear N33NJ your'e No. 2 for the airport, report the Shorts he is on about a 1 mile final to 9L. Roger Mia 33NJ we got the Shorts in sight, oops we just lost him he must have just over a trailer park, ok there he is we've got him in sight. 33NJ cleared to land 9L.:\

Regional DH8 inbound to international airport with
crossing runways and 24 in use in IFR conditions.

DH8: XXX Terminal, check Runway 24 active can we talk you into letting us have Runway 15?

Female ATC: The last time I let a pilot talk me into anything I was on pennicillin for two weeks!

DH8: XXX Terminal Roger, I geuess we'll take that for a no. What's our number for Runway 24.

Female ATC: Last!


Same female ATC: Regional XXX, negative on the transponder. recycle please.

DH8: Roger.

Female ATC: Regional XXX, still no joy. Recycle again.

DH8: Roger. XXX Terminal. We've been having problems with our box this morning.

Female ATC: Yeah, I hate it when that happens.


True story.

ATC : "Baby 123, just a hypothetical question: If I cleared you dct to MIRSI now, and did not give you any further instructions - what would you do?"

Baby 123 : "Well, guess we'll stick with the STAR and join the holding - why?"

ATC : "Ah, we've just been doing a poll with the regulars at MAN all day, and congrats - you got 10 out of 10"

Baby 123 : "Thanks"

ATC : "Baby 123, now direct MIRSI"

:D So much for hypothetical questions! :D

A couple of pilots from Norwegian operator Sundt Air was over in the states to collect their new King Air after a navaid calibration re-fit.

Reg on this one is LN-SUZ, and yank controllers completely oblivious to the fact that not all regs start with a "N".
("Are you sure you are LN-SUZ etc")

After a lot of depbate on the GND freq the controller gave up:

"Hell, today you are King Air-Suzie"

They flew a rather long flight calling themselfs that, no problems after that!

From the AVWEB "ON SHORT FINAL SECTION"

Tower: L39 N###, Did you guys get that contract with the post office?

L39: Say again Ellington Tower.

Tower: L39, We heard that the mail was going to be in the Czech.

(pause)

L39: ... Slow day, huh.

Tower: (laughing) Sorry.

:\

A classic that a colleague relayed to me from his training in the early nineties, when live controller training with JPs was still the order of the day:

PAR (Arab exchange stude):"4 miles, SHY 11 to land"

The tower controller looks out the window, sees the shropshire hunt galloping across the threshold and replies:

"SHY 11 Break off the approach, the hunt is on the runway"

A slightly bemused PAR controller then relays to the JP:

"SHY11 Break off the approach, some c*** is on the runway"

Genius.

From a collegue in Hong Kong,


ATC: Dynasty 123 contact HK arrival on 119.3.

no response

ATC: Dynasty 123 contact HK arrival on 119.3.

no response

ATC: Dynasty 123 Hong Kong, do you read?

lengthly delay

Dynasty123: Hong Kong arrival are you calling Dynasty 123?

ATC: Dynasty 123 I've called four times, contact HK arrival now 119.3

Dynasty123: No HK arrival you only call us three times.

Xmas laughs
 

This was given to me by the girls in the EAS ops room, so I'll try type it out correctly for all to enjoy

'Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tiedowns with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in thier spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 Knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my but.

When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.

He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the callsign he used was "St Nick".
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.

He called his position, no room for denial,
"St Nicolas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer!

With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all the fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?

While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their head,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message tey left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard "Left Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."

He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were ! covered with frost
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.

His brath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were at black as a cropduster's belly

He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log
Theese reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"

And Laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion"

He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight."

And some Classic slips I remember over Christmas:

Many ATC's getting so used to saying te usual Xmas greeting continiously end up wishing the Muslim crews a Merry Christmas which isn't always greeted with a warm response.

And the best is

ATC to a BAW crew: Merry Christmas to you and your SCREW :ooh:

American F-111 Flossie late 70's. AC on PAN call.

Texan drawl.....

"Lossie Akkee 24 on handover from Scottish inbound, were for a IFR approach to the best available runway.

"Akee 24 identified radar advisory, runway 23 blah blah blah, both cables up. (we had to stop the Gannets somehow)

In a confused tone...

"Both Cables? What are these cables?"

Controller even more confused...

"Akee 24 there the approach and overun cables, both set 1300ft in from each threshold..

Long pause during which the controller looked at me (I was the approach assistant) even more confused...

then...

"Lossie Akee24, these cables can a F-111 go under them!!"

Still makes me crease up 25 years later....


:} :D :} :D

ATC: ABC123 Heavy (747) we need some S-turns on final for spacing behind a piston single.

747: Do you know how a 747 handles on S-turns?

ATC: Roger. How's it handle on go arounds?

747: (S-turns)


----------


TWR: Roger, in sight report two miles left base.

ACFT: Uh, tower you want Statute or Nautical miles?

TWR: Your choice there's no other inbounds.

----------


ATC to F-15 just after takeoff: Gunslinger, climb and maintain FL 310.

(30 seconds pass, ATC just about to key the mic....)

F-15 pilot (grunting): Roger, Gunslinger level FL310

Heard this one at MAN.

ATC ground: "ryan air xxx123 if your brakes are good enough hold b3!"

Heard on Johannesburg Oceanic from a VARIG flying from Cape Town to Sao Paulo.

Controller on HF: VRGXXXX next report crossing 005 degrees east.

VRGXXX: (silence) eeerrrrr...... we don't have 005 east in our flight plan....

Controller: VRGXXXX then report operations normal at time 0930.

VRG: (even longer silence) eeerrrrrr..... Johannesburg..... we don't have operations normal in our flight plan either.


When I walked into the Oceanic Control room, the controller wasn't able to speak due to the laughter.

amsterdam
 

I have one which made me laugh until well established incruise.
It is hilarious because my colleague on my flight was the joke initiator..
We took off from Schipol,as i was PF,my left seat bud thought amsterdam was just like bush flying in poland so he decided once the gear was up to sharply shorten the communication with ATC.
At shipol, crews have to switch from tower to departure passing 2000ft.
We all know i hope the info departure atc needs from us but he decided or used to, i dont know,to merely exclaim:flight callsign followed by AIRBORNE.
Knowing that he would be asked in the next few secs at least to report altitude passing and cleared level..i didnt intervene.
The ATC gentleman nicely answered:CONGRATULATIONS now report altitude passing.
Having to concentrate on the initial climb my internal laugh became obvious while established on cruise...
Left seat guy i believe and hope took his Comms book from school out again to make our professional airline sound like one.

Happy departures and landings:-)

M.85

What I wished I'd said...

Years and years ago I was flying from the Raleigh-Durham area to the Freeway Airport in a Cessna 172, and went through the Andrews Airforce Base airspace. It was late at night, and nobody else was on the frequency when I requested permission to go through their airspace.

Permission was granted.

There was a pretty strong headwind (more than I had expected), and the controller casually mentioned that my ground speed was 80 knots.

If I had been a little more bold, I would have told him that my indicated airspeed was 120 knots, and that if I wanted to go any faster I'd probably have to get out and push.

Wish I'd said it, as he sounded a little bored.

Plus I had to sprint for the telephone to close my flight plan in time once I landed, so giving him a heads up would have helped if the headwind had delayed me by a few minutes more.

Just a couple of days ago we had a rather excited pilot call up to the west of the field in his brand new home-build. He had been waiting until the temperature got up towards 0 Celcius before daring to try out his new toy (all this was told to us on his initial contact ;) )

Anyway, he requests a climb up to 5000 feet (no way on earth I would even think about doing that in something I built) and sets off on his merry way eastbound. As his track is taking him close to the airfield, he is issued a vector. Guess who doesn't have any instruments except a hand held GPS. So, following the Trans-Canada Highway, our intrepid little pilot trundles onwards towards his destination (while everything else is moved out of his way)

Suddenly our friend makes a transmission:

"Uh, Winnipeg Terminal, sorry if you've been trying to call me. I've been taking pictures of the city as I fly over it and I think I have seen my buddy's house". Thanks for the heads up.

Our pluckly little adventurer gets to the edge of our airspace, is told we can't provide him a service any further, the weather at his destination is such, good luck and contact his enroute frequency. Many thanks and he's gone........

Until 20 mins later he's back. Life story time again about how his destination's weather wasn't great and he was having to lower and lower to stay below the cloud and he didn't feel comfortable about trying to land there and could he proceed to St. Andrews and could we give him some assistance.(a small airfield to the NE of CYWG). The new controllers sitting there (who missed all the fun on the way out) is unaware our friend only has his trusty GPS and asks him his heading.

"Um, I'm heading west following Highway 1. I think I know where to go, but the Trans-Canada doesn't go up there, does it?"

Bless him. Eventually get the guy pointed in the right direction (thank god we had a road map) and visual with his destination. Good luck again and see ya.

It's things like this that make me love my job even more.

Just like being back at EGLL eh J??

Busy day over LA...


GA aircraft with not familiar pilot calls in and requests landing at airport


NXXX: Pos X requests landing...

Sotherna california approach(SOCAL): NXXX proceed to "mile-square park" for spacing.

NXX: Eh, Mile square park, what does it look like?

SOCAL: Well, it's a park, sort of squarish and about one mile on each side