I was listening to NY OAC on 11330 HF on last 18 Feb and heard the following :

[female operator at NY]

AC : New York, New York, American 619 on one one.
NY : American 619 go ahead
AC : Yeah we'd like to get a selcal check please, ALMQ
NY : ALMQ [sends the tone]
AC : Negative
NY : [sends the tone]
AC : Negative. ALMQ
NY : That's what I'm sending. Stand-by, I'll send a double
AC : [sends the tone twice, back to back]
NY : Nah we're not getting it. Stand-by I'll call you on the other set
AC : [2nd radio] New York, 619 again, ALMQ please
NY : [sends the tone a few times]
AC : Nah.. [big sigh] Looks like we're gonna have to listen to ya today....
NY : [really meek voice] I'll try not to be annoying...
AC : [laughing]

:)

German Astra on a tight slot departing Farnborough:

ATC: 322 theres a Gazelle in your right 11 O clock, do you have him in sight?

322: Affirm

ATC: Roger can you give me a good rate of climb to get over him?

322: Most definitly!

ATC: Roger 24 cleared take off 240/10

322: Cleared take off 24, climbing like hell, 322


Made me chuckle anyway :O

a gazelle in your right 11 O clock?

oh lord i've joined the pedantic masses.

Long ago in a land far away, well 1986 in the good old US of A when I was a young co-pilot flying through the Chicago sector for my first time. I was having real difficulty writting my clearances down and the controler did not even wait for me to acknowledge before talking to the next a/c!!!

An American came on the R/T with a deep southern drawl and said in a very slow voice,

"C-h-i-c-a-g-o c-o-n-t-r-o-l I a-m j-u-s-t a g-o-o-d o-l-d s-o-u-t-h-e-r-n b-o-y w-h-o c-a-n w-r-i-t-e j-u-s-t a-b-o-u-t a-s f-a-s-t a-s I c-a-n s-p-e-a-k s-o s-a-y a-g-a-i-n m-y c-l-e-a-r-a-n-c-e!"

I did'nt feel quite so inept after that.

MM

Worrying thing is I actualy thought about the direction and the clockface and still got it wrong!

For some OzATC Humour have a look at "Charges", "Unheard Phrases" and "Didya Hear?" :E
YPJT is the busiest GA Airport in Oz!

When I was doing my PPL at Inverness.

Climbing out from touch and go:
Instructor: Tower, spotter parked at threshold
Tower: Roger, we’ll get the car round to move him
Me: XX Finals for touch and go
Tower: XX cleared touch and go and the spotter’s been moved on
Me: Cleared touch and go and roger the spotter
Unknown: Can’t really follow that

student pilot: mobil fuel, ABC

Ground: ah, ABC you are on ground

student pilot: ABC could i please get full tanks at the GA apron

Ground: mate, your on ground, not mobile fuel

student pilot: so how long will the fuel be?? ABC, im kind of in a hurry

Just saw a very nice Swamp Comic
Hope it's not been posted too recently.

A bit unsure about the copyright issues, though, so Mods, please feel free to delete.

Oldy but goody.

Some time back I was transitting through NI airspace when I heard a Wessex calling his operating base for;

"500lbs of fuel for Wessex x"

Sooo tempting, I pressed the button;

"Sounds like a fair swop!"

Changing hands
 

Once, when crewing the old DH Heron Hobart to King Island, the company's big cheese was in a sister aircraft going into Flinders Island. (The geography is not relevant to the point, but to me it fixes time and place - so stiff!)
Big cheese has his usual bout of verbal diahorrea and can't shut up talking to the one or two possibly conflicting others in his vicinity . . . . on and on and on he goes . . . finally unkeying mike and instantly is met with the sardonic tones of our chief pilot (one Nigel Peart) - "Change hands Dallas, change hands."

Think this was a dig from Tower to the aircraft just airborne, by telling the lined up and about to depart aircaft:-

"ABC123, the previous aircraft seems to have blown off track. Your departure clearance is a standard Pole Hill 4 Sierra departure".

ABC123:- "Roger, Pole Hill 4 Sierra."

"ABC123, you are cleared for take off, Wind Calm."

:E

Apologies, no time to read through 42 pages to see if this has featured before:

Some US airports are the home of both military and civil operators.
Air traffic control is normally run by one side only.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

And responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied in a friendly voice, "What difference does it
make?"

And here the tower came into its own.

"It makes a lot of difference

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

And if it is a private executive jet we tell them that they can afford
to buy a watch.”

Today on my shift:

SP-XXX to TWR: "Do you happen to know up to what altitude is danger area 21 active today?" (EPD 21 is artillery range)
(not-so-much) anonymous pilot: "Does it make any diffrence at what altitude they will shoot your ass?"

Due to traffic decending in to a satelite airfield on our western boundry I couldn't launch a DH8C on a left turn off 03L but had a C208 on a right turn to depart so told the C208 to line up ahead of the DH8C that was already lined up using a TWY that enters the RWY 100m ahead of full length (J for those who know JNB)

The DH8C remarks "We'll keep the park brake on so the propwash won't blow us back"

Airport in Florida.....

Twr: Cessna Nxxxx, your traffic is a Beech Bonanza turning base for 27, you're number 2, cleared to land.

Pilot: Number 2, cleared to land, Cessna Nxxxx.

Twr: Nxxxx, do you have your traffic in sight?

Pilot: Nxxxx, roger the Beech on base.

Twr: Umm.....I can't do that for you son, I'm married!

(well, it made me laugh)

Not Lost...
 

ATC to Microlight: "Request your position?"

Microlight Pilot "We're actually not over anywhere at the moment!"

Amendment to JSP318A some years ago.

Delete: Dying
Insert: Flying

HEARD AT APF (NAPLES, FL)

An airplane has just been handed over from Approach (FEMALE controller) to APF twr (MALE controller).

-APF TWR, Falcon 123AB, with you 12 miles NW, for the visual rwy 5.
-Falcon 123AB, roger, no observed traffic between you and the airport, you are cleared to land rwy 5.

the pilot still thinking about the female controller:
-cleared to land rwy 5, falcon 123AB, thank you ma'am.
-Falcon 123AB, you just called me ma'am! cancell ldg clearance, proceed direct CYY VOR, and hold for 20 minutes.


-IBLB-

some more from APF and surroundings

-GND, Operations 2 Van.
-Operations 2 van, aren't you the one who was supposed to call me 15 minutes ago?
-Uhhhhhhm, yeah....sorry about that. But we are at the terminal, would like to cross the active to mosquito control.
-Operations 2 van, roger. Proceed up to and hold short of rwy 5 at A3. Expect further clearance at 14.25Z, time now is 1350Z.

------------------------------

-APF TWR, cessna 123AB, student pilot, 20miles east, 2500ft, inbound for landing.
-Cessna 123AB, APF TWR, roger, i don't see you, but you might be too low for radar. Report 10 miles east.
........
-APF TWR, cessna 123AB, 10 miles east.
-Cessna 123AB, roger, still don't see you, report 2 miles east for right downwind rwy 5.
.........
-APF TWR, cessna 123AB, 2 miles east, joining downwind rwy5.
-Uhhhhhhm, Cessna 123AB, still don't see you, where are you?
-About 2 miles east joining right downwind.
-Cessna 123AB, i see no traffic to my east. Ident for me please.
- Roger, ident. Turning base now, 123AB.
-Cessna 123AB, ident observed, CLIMB 2000' NOW! TURN RIGHT HDG 060, You are over Ft Myers intl, not over APF!

------------------------------

flying into clewiston airglades (uncontrolled/CTAF), my student f&^%$ up the approach, so i told him to make one more pattern, and do another landing

-Clewiston Airglades traffic, Piper 678AB final rwy 13, going around, but i am going to try again.

------------------------------

On a clear night, the sun is starting to set. Just at that time (a while ago) a shuttle is launched from the eastcoast.
Several planes in the trafficpattern

-All traffic, APF TWR, if you look to the NNE, you will see a shuttle being launched
one of the pilots replies:
-Roger, traffic in sight.

------------------------------

One of the controllers (one of the best i've known btw) is handling 8 (!) planes in the traffic pattern, plus incoming traffic.

-Allright guys, listen up, I can handle 8 of you, but you have to listen and comply quickly if you want to stay in the pattern. I am trying to get this pattern back into Collier County.

------------------------------

Same controller as above, recognised me flying the warrior:

-Falcon 2345, you are number 2, behind the warrior.
-looking for the traffic, number two, 2345
-TWR, is that our traffic, on our 12 o'clock?
-Falcon 2345, affirm, that's the one.
-We think we might be a little close, you want us to make a go-around?
-Negative, he's local traffic, if he isn't of at A1, he won't get a takeoff clearance the next few days.


-IBLB-