Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
 

Anyone got any amusing helicopter jokes? I read these two today:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.'

--------------------------------------------

Why Helicopters are Better than Women

1. A helicopter will kill you quickly . . . a woman takes her time.

2. Helicopters can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3. A helicopter does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'

4. A helicopter does not object to a preflight inspection.

5. Helicopters come with manuals.

6. Helicopters have strict weight and balance limits.

7. You can fly a helicopter any time of the month.

8. Helicopters don't come with in-laws.

9. Helicopters don't whine unless something is really wrong.

10. Helicopters don't care about how many other helicopters you have flown.

11. When flying, you and your helicopter both arrive at the same time.

12. Helicopters don't mind if you look at other helicopters, or if you buy helicopter magazines.

13. It's OK to use tie-downs on your helicopter.

----------------------------------------------
I would like to point out in the interests of safety (mine) I didn't make up the last one :ouch: :ouch: :{ :ouch:

14. Helicopters don't comment on your piloting skills

15. However, when helicopters go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Nice ones, Thanks Guys that was good reading to start the day off

Cheers

Bravo 99 (AJB)

Difference between heli's & Nurses?

Not everyone has been in a heli!!!:p

A Huey Cobra practising autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tailboom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks.
As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:
Tower: "Cobra 1, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra 1: "I don't know, Tower. We aren't done crashing yet."

Here's a couple more...
 

Australian Military Helicopter Simulation

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science
Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's
Land Operations/Simulation division.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality
simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed
Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion
point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of
thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway,
as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees
and animals. For the Australian simulation they included
kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements
and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos
might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was
originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the
same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters,
etc. The first time they've gone to demonstrate this to some visiting
Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty"
with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and watch
them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively...
then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two
dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.
Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove
that part of the infantry coding... and Americans leave muttering
comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife!

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided
kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the
first place.

-------------------------------------------

Helicopter crew

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon."

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"

(Brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."

Fog:
Stay out of fog. The single red light you think is a cell phone tower might be the starboard light of a docked boat.

Geometry:
Helicopters are a collection of parts flying in relatively close formation while all rotating around different axis. This arrangement works work well until one of the parts breaks formation.

Parking:
Always try to keep the number of times you park the helicopter equal to the number of times you've flown it.

The canopy:
If all you can see through your canopy is the direction you were previously traveling intermingled with sparks, and all you can hear is commotion from the passenger flying left seat, things are not at all as they should be.

Optimism:
An optimist is a helicopter pilot that smokes and thinks he's going to die of cancer.

Other Objects:
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum and Plexiglass going dozens of miles per hour, and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Same holds for trees, water, buildings and larger animals. Draws don't count.

Judgment:
Going Forward:
It's always a good idea to keep the transparent end going forward as much as possible.

Hovering:
Hovering is for people who love to fly but have noplace to go.

Opinions:
Ask 6 helicopter pilots a question, and you're sure to get at least 7 different opinions.

Here are some I picked up over the years!!!


TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR HELICOPTER PILOTS

1. Keep always thine RPMs, for without them the gates of heaven shall close to thee, and thou shalt pass directly to Brick City.

2. Guard thy tail rotor as thy loins; it is a sacred thing and its loss maketh the earth spin, and rise up and smite thee.

3. Pickest thou up and sittest thou down with great care lest thy machine roll in the mud like the swine and makest thou an impoverished pedestrian.

4. Loadeth not thy machine unevenly or excessively, lest thou wander and stumble like the braying ass.

5. Run not thy fuel nor oil dry, for surely it is easier for the camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for a fool to autorotate in the wilderness.

6. Linger not in the curve of the deadman, for it tempteth fate, and shall bringeth thee back pain.

7. Swoop not low without good reason, for many are the snares of Edison and Bell; their wires yieldeth not, and makest thee a yo-yo.

8. Loseth not sight of the earth if thou are not a master of the black art of "hard IFR," else thy machine shall seek the earth without thy counsel, and thy friends shall mourn the passing of a fool.

9. Loseth not thy G's for the sake of pushover or other folly, lest thy blades smite thee, and journey on without thee.

10. Descendeth not without airspeed, for the air beneath thee is wrathful, and wouldst conspire with the granite to swallow thee up, far from the seeing eye of SAR.


=============================================


"CIRCLES"

If you want a successful career as a helicopter pilot, you neeed to feel a deep love for "Circles". The "circle" is the first thing you will learn how to do when you are introduced to flying helicopters. It starts to get old during your first one hundred hours of flight experience, but the promise that "circles" will soon be a part of your past is what keeps you going. Unfortunitely "circles" are what you are going to be making for the duration of your career.

Your first job, after teaching others how to make "circles", is probably making "circles" doing tour flying. It's very funny that they say "circles" with an "S" (which leads you to believe that you might actually fly more than one route during your tour guiding career). "Circle" is what they should call it since the most excitement you will get out of flying tours is being able to say "Ya...I'm a REAL commercial helicopter pilot."

If you don't decide to do tours it's likely you will get hooked up with a logging operation. Ya, they make "circles" too. Really tight quick "circles", except YOU don't get to make them. You get to see them being made while you puke your guts out. And...Oh ya...your job is to count the "circles".

If you're real smart you will take on one of those "gulf jobs" where you don't have to make "circles". You get to make straight lines. Pretty exciting flying. After you make your initial climb out (to an altitude of 500 feet) you start monitoring your instrument guages. You never know when you're going to pop into IMC and start utilizing that instrument rating you paid dearly for. Although it pays more than your average grocery cart retrieving job you don't get to maneuver it back and forth in a creative "S" turn fashion while making your way back to shore. Those guys in the back (who by the way make triple your salary) don't like it. Better not piss them off three times in a row 'cause they'll get you canned in a heartbeat.

Now law inforcement...there's a job. Go to California and make "circles". The great thing about the CHP is that you get to make all the "circles" you want. I know...so why all of the sudden is making "circles" so much fun?!!...well I'll tell you. Because you don't have to unless you want to. The truth is, the CHP are allowed to do whatever the hell they want. OF COURSE they are all operating within their own personal limits. They're the CHP. You know...the ones who set the standard for commercial flying.

I don't mean to lead you on. Flying "circles" is fun, at first. Try this...sit in your fake leather computer chair and spin around a couple times. This effect may be accentuated after chugging a few cold Coors Lites. If you do this a few hundred thousand times you can begin to appreciate the joy of flying helicopters. Just remember...clear your turns 'cause your soon to be ex-wife doesn't like it when you spill beer on her carpet!


==============================================

Helicopter Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a helicopter company owner from the local airportd walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the owner, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The owner paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, track and balance, do hundred hour inspections, hot refuel aircraft with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Front desk" monkey; it can sell tours, take reservations, complete weight and balance forms, give passenger briefings and load aircraft. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Helicopter Pilot!"

Humour in Helicopters
 

HIH

The Gladstone thread got me thinking. (Doesn’t happen often at my age) And also , Nigel’s underhanded swipe at my follicle disability…well , I thought it would be fun to launch a new thread with the subject being “Humour in Helicopters”….would also allow me to swipe back at Nigel !!

So here is a story

The setting is a very cold Tasmanian winter in the late 70’s. Hookway Aviation is still operating Enstroms and a couple of 206’s. There is a new crew in Hobart. Brian , Crow , Barry and Ian have gone to greener pastures. Nigel has been unable to lever me in to the Enstrom to do an endorsement. Of course now , I just would not fit…hair or no hair. (I am NOT fixated on my lack of pilosity…Brian , ya still doing your daily crossword ?)

Anyhow , Nigel gets a call out. We had the SAR contract at that time with the SES but it was the Police who crewed with us. I think this may have been one of those occasions when (Senior Constable) Keith Harper’s presence (and wonderful humour) were in evidence. Seem to recall it was some lost bush walkers up at Frenchman’s Cap. Crazy time to be bushwalking in middle of winter….snow everywhere ! Nigel gets up there ok and starts the search. Lousy weather. Now he has just joined the company from flying the North Sea in B0-105’s so he is used to pretty decent equipment.

We get a plaintive phone call from Nige that the interior of the 206 has been fogging up (no heater !) , he needs an attitude indicator (these were the days when primary Nav and only instrument (other than Alt./ASI) was a wet mag compass) AND there is not a decent first aid kit on board. !@@##$$ much cursing !!

Well Johnny Wilson and I sent him three envelopes.
Envelope 1 marked Heater containing 1 x box of matches
Envelope 2 marked Attitude indicator containing 1 x plumb bob
Enveope 3 marked First aid kit containing asprin and band aids

Nigel was not impressed. And although it seemed bl—dy funny at the time , the situation was pretty grim flying in poor viz and snow. Nigel did an excellent job and I seem to recall it had a good outcome with him finding the bushwalkers.

Please forgive me Nigel….after all these years…but there was absolutely nothing we could do but squeeze a bit of humour out of a bad situation.

Great days , eh

Peter

Without wanting to turn this into a stories about Nigel thread, and believe me there are many, this is one where Nige was an the other end.
Due for an IRT the C&T pilot was asking Nigel various questions about IF flying, which, due to his encyclopedic knowledge, he got right. The C&Ter then asked him a curly one which he did not get quite right. When informed of this fact, without a missing a beat Nigel replied, "No, my answer was right, you just asked me the wrong question".
Still one of the best comebacks I've ever heard.

Since we're not mentioning Nigel, we'd better not talk about him driving from Pt Headland to Onslow to start his tour, and getting severely T-Boned on the way by some dim sheila. And not thinking to let anyone know for the best part of a week :rolleyes:

While returning to our base camp after an uneventful day, and wanting to have some fun…I thought I’d try an original (Well, maybe I borrowed it from the Henry Gibson character on ‘Laugh In’) query to the tower operator which backfired on me rather quickly. Anyway, here it is:

Little flower
In the tower
What’s the runyway
Of the hour.

Within a nano second came this reply:

Little peter
In the beater
Zero Five
Says the meter.

I never again have been anything but polite to the controller brethren.

Q: You attend a party with 100+ guests...how do you know which person is the Helicopter Pilot?


A: Don't worry, he'll tell you.



ENG Brit

Air Force Fighter Pilot's Prayer


Lord grant me the Wings of an Eagle,

The Heart of a Lion,

The Eyes of a Hawk,

and Balls like an Army Helicopter Pilot.

True story, of lost Army helicopter in near fog conditions, on being asked hi position

"Ten miles South and - er - crossing your active now!"

A departing Fokker Friendship is asked by Vancouver tower to report sighting traffic in the circuit and overflying the field…following a brief pause...the quick witted pilot replies…

“…this fokker has the beaver up high and the shorts down low”

Not helicopter but.....
 

A RAF Nimrod was flying into the US of A for a mil exercise. A few hundred miles out they were joined by a pair of National Guard F-16's to escort them in. Being fighter jocks they started showing off, doing rolls & loops etc around the Nimrod. When they had finished the F-16 driver said "can you do that?" The RAF pilot replied " No, but can you do this" After about ten minutes the lead F-16 pilot said "well, what are you doing?" The RAF pilot replied. "I've just been down the back, had a good s**t and am now eating a steak sandwich. Can you do that?" With a sense of humour failure the fighters dissappeared into the distance.:p

I thought it was going to be " 'What did you do then?' 'I just shut down an engine. Can you do that?'"

Right from wrong.
 

To: Flingwing207

Starboard = Green

Port = Red

:E :E

A woman runs into a Police station" she yells Ive been raped by a Helicopter Pilot.

The sergent says how do you know he's a Pilot?

Well she says, He had a Big Watch and a Little dick and couldn't stop talking about himself!......



O.k i'm leaving....... :ok:

Army pilot and chief engineer are flying over the desert. The engine quits and pilot carries out a perfect landing.
Moments later they are surrounded by angry Arab horsemen and are arrested for landing in a forbidden area sacred to the Arabs.
At the Arab camp they are duly sentenced to death by guilotine but are offered a last request by the Arab Chief.
The pilot requests to be the first to die and also that he face skywards so that the blue sky he has viewed while flying is the last thing he will see. This is granted and the aviator is placed at the guilotine facing skywards. The Chief gives the nod to the executioned and the guilotine blade falls. To the surprise of all the blade jams. The Chief sees this as a sign from Allah and the death penalty is withdrawn. The chief engineer is asked his last request and states that he too wishes to face skywards for the very same reasons as his pilot. He is placed at the guilotine and awaits his fate.
Just before the Arab Chief give the nod to the executioner the hapless engineer shouts ' Stop! Stop! I can see the fault why the blade jams.

A guy goes into a shop and says:

"Have you got any Helicopter flavoured Crisps"

The Shopkeeper replies:

"Sorry, no - we only have plane"


JP

Seven year old boy to his Mum...wife of a helicopter pilot..."Mum, when I grow up, I want to be a helicopter pilot like Dad!" Mum's reply...."Sorry, Son, buy you can not do both!"

Q: Why do airports have runways?

A: So the handicapped can fly

Slightly tenuous.....

Two cows in a field discussing the latet case of Mad Cow disease.

Cow1: Aren't you getting a little worried about this mad Cow disease?

Cow2: No of course not, it doesn't effect me, I'm a helicopter.

World's smallest helicopter for sling loads.

http://www.unicopter.com/Temporary/beanie-a.gif
Chin-strap included.

After six months in the bush in Alaska, a helicopter pilot made it back to Anchorage for some time off. Being a fellow with refined tastes....he went to Chilkoot Charlies saloon to have a few really dry Martinis. Upon interview, the bar man professed to being able to make the best and dryest martini in all of the Artic North. The pilot being satisfied to the bar man's abilities ordered up just such a drink.

The drink arrived....as ordered...and as the pilot went to pick up the drink....the piano players monkey ran down the bar...slid to a stop ...backed up to the martini glass and quickly dunked his testicles into the martini...then ran back to the piano. The pilot not wanting any trouble and only wanting a dry martini....pushed the contaminated drink aside and ordered a fresh drink.

The second drink arrived....and as before...the monkey ran down the bar and squatted a second time....and again the pilot pushed the drink aside and ordered a third.

The third arrived...the monkey got by the pilot's hands....and squatted in the martini for the third time. The pilot now, in a rage, stormed over to the Piano player and very loudly asked him...."Do you know your monkey just dunked his testicles in my martini?"

The Piano player responded while continuing to play...."...no, but if you hum a few bars, I am sure I can pick it up!"

Aviation Humour
 

Not really helicopters but hell I found it funny,

Big Iron engine and airplane company announced the first flight of the new
Razzle 200 airliner. Chief test pilot Frank Lee Candid emerged from the
cockpit shaken, dripping with sweat. He tried to muster a smile for the
cameras and blurted out, "Damn, I'm happy to be alive."

Regaining his composure, he said the airplane flew "well, and the test was
nearly according to plan." The only deviations from expected flight test
results were a few cases of high speed flutter and one brief but violent
control hard-over, responsible for the highly theatrical snap roll seen on
short final. Henri Flaque, company press agent, noted that the snap roll
showed the inherent strength of the Razzle 200 airframe, holding together
despite the 30% corkscrew twist of the empennage.

Aircraft systems performed "nearly flawlessly," Candid said. The sole
problem was in a landing gear actuator which began an uncommanded gear
retraction during what was supposed to be a simple high speed taxi run.
When the gear left the runway of its own accord, Candid said he was glad
for the opportunity to check out the 200's handling. The approach was
delayed briefly while the landing gear extended and retracted itself a
number of times until the hydraulic power unit burned out, fortunately
with the gear in a generally "down" position.

The new Thruster KY-20 turbofan was praised for retaining most of its
parts during the test flight. "That's one rugged engine," Flaque said.
Candid noted the fuel consumption was "frightening", adding that checks
were being made to assure that the fuel did flow through the engine and
not out of a large hole in the tank. Smoke emissions were said to be
well below Pittsburgh Valley standards.

Several questions to Candid had to be repeated at a louder volume, a
problem Candid laughingly dismissed to a minor, temporary deafness
caused by some "harmonic resonances and vibrations" experienced in the
cockpit. A slight window seal leak which sucked the cigarettes out of
his shirt pocket was the only other cockpit environment problem.

Candid, apparently thinking about his experiences, was still chuckling
under his breath, slowly and quietly, when asked whether he had
considered using the ejection seat, specially installed for the test
program. he seemed at that moment to remember the ejection handle still
in his rigidly clenched left hand, a few multicolored wires dangling
From the end. Smiling sickly, he held it up for all to see, his hand
trembling from the muscle tension. "Guess I'm lucky this baby didn't
fire," he admitted. "We made the parachute, too."

LOL! This is not really helicopters, either, but is worth sharing:

A relatively inexperienced RAF Phantom (F4) pilot had a complete electrics failure, as if being over the North Sea at night in winter wasn't stressful enough. For whatever reason, he needed to operate the Ram Air Turbine, but he deployed the flap instead, as the levers were close together.

Of course, doing that at 420 knots made the flaps fall off the back, and the hydraulic fluid followed. Mucking around with the generators got the lights back on, and he headed for RAF Coningsby, with no brakes. Unfortunately, the hook bounced over the top of the arrester wire, so he used full afterburner to go around in a strong crosswind, but headed towards the grass instead. The pilot and navigator both ejected, leaving the machine to accelerate through 200 knots, across the airfield at ground level.

Meanwhile, the Station Commander was giving a dinner party for the local mayor in the Mess, and the guests had just come out on the steps (near the runway), in time to watch the Phantom come past on the afterburner, with two ejections. The mayor's wife was just thanking him for the firework display as it went through a ditch, lost its undercarriage and fell to bits in a field.

The Fire Section had by this time sent three (brand new) appliances after it without any hope of catching up, but they tried anyway. The first one wrote itself off in a ditch because it was going too fast, the driver of the second suddenly put the brakes on because he realised there had been an ejection and that he might run over a pilot on the runway, at which point the number three appliance smashed into the back of him.

I was out flying yesterday monitoring the prescribed Radar freq. when a request for aircraft at 'notional loc' to identify and state intentions, was made.

Response was "Taipan 4 'here' at 'alt' going 'there"

ATC " Ok eer whats your abbrevation for Taipan 4"

Brief silence ... then

"Tango, Alpha, India, Papa, Alpha, November, Four"

I heard Col Bob Scott ("God is My Co-Pilot" author) tell this one:

He was flying from a base in China during WWII in a P-40, and just returning from a brief maintenance hop. He called the tower for traffic advisories. The tower radio was set up on loud speakers across the .50 cal pits around the hangars, so they could know the traffic situation, and be warned if any Japanese aircraft were approaching. They had all been shot up a few days earlier by some fighters, and so were still a bit skittish.

Scott called in a few miles south and used the convention where his call sign was the last two digits of the aircraft serial number, which happened to be xx-x10.

"One-Zero is 4 miles south," he said.

As he entered traffic, he was followed by several steady streams of .50 Cal tracers, all bent on his distruction. As he made violent evasive maneuvers, he grabbed the mike and said, "Cease Fire! Cease Fire! This is aircraft TEN!! on downwind!!"

I had the pleasure of this one myself on a fine summer day at Flying Cloud airport while doing pattern #2,343...

"Helicopter Niner Hotel Bravo extend downwind for landing traffic"

"Extend downwind, 9HB" - I took the controls. With no traffic behind us in the pattern, I slowed us to an OGE hover abeam the tower, where we stayed until the landing traffic was on short final, at which point we got back under way.

"9HB, I wish everyone could do that, base turn at your discretion, cleared for the option one-zero right"

"If everyone could do that, you'd be out of a job, 1-0 right, cleared for the option, 9HB"

This one I was there for (well, nearly, about a week later when they were still all talking about it).

Circa 1991, at a helicopter manufacturer's airfield somewhere in SW England - a won't name them to preserve anonymity.


Exercise of the day was IGE hover. The way this was done was by mounting an instrumentation boom on the fire section's landrover, and driving it across the airfield. That established the speed / conditions, and the helo (a Merlin) hovered stationary on the vehicle.

So, picture the scene. The helicopter was hovering backwards IGE, which means that it was leading the landrover. In the ground vehicle you had two FTEs, one watching the instrumentation, one watching the helicopter.

When the helicopter got to the edge of the airfield, it continued over the hedge and to the other side of the road. The landrover, also continued, through the hedge, over the road, through the hedge the other side and came to rest in the ditch.

Since it was the airfield's primary emergency vehicle, not to mention a certain grumpiness over bending their brand new landrover, the fire section were, I believe, rather slow and unhelpful about recovering it.

G

It is all a matter of perspective!
 

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
 

(Helps if you say the "German" parts out loud):

German Lesson for pilots

Aircraft:
der fliegenwagon

Light aircraft:
der kleinen fliegenwagon

Helicopter:
der schwingen fliegenwagon

Crop dusting aircraft:
das fliegenwagon mit der holinder buttonvor puffen der pauder auder

Propeller:
der airfloggenfann

APU/GTC:
Der airfloggenfann flinger

Passenger jet:
der grosse fliegenwagon mit sckull splitten schremen spittenfirenbakof
das airfloggenfann

Cyclic:
der pushenpullen schtik

Anti-torque pedals:
der tailschwingen werks

Pilot:
der pushenpullen schtiken tailschwingen werker

Student pilot:
der dumbkoff lernen fliegen

Instructor:
Mein fliegen furher

CFI:
Uber fliegen furher

Air traffic controller:
der schweinhund ubben sie tauer watchen allo der dumbskoffs fliegen

Ground Studies:
Das headschratchen bukwerken

Link Trainer/Simulator:
Boks mit aller fliegenwerks innit mit on der ground stayen

Visual flying:
lookenoutenseein fliegen

Instrument flying:
lissenwaitenhopen fliegen

Forced landing:
trinen gebackonner graund mittaut der kraschen

Parachute jump:
trienen gebackonner graund mittaut der fliegenwagon

Weather radar:
das electroniken stormengerschniffer

Bird Strike:
Der fliegenwagon und dumkoff fliegen birden dat kraschen und kausen poofen fedders und twisten arsen

Wattel Odersheid!

Fantastisch!!

How about an alternative for helicopter...
Das fliegenvagon mit der grossen vindpuschen ontopof und die teensie-vinsie vindpuschen inbackof!

Pretakeoff brief for the co-pilot...
"setzen sie sich, nich touchen den pucshen-pullen verks oder die fingerpuschenbuttons und vatchen die blinkenlights, dumbkopf!"

I just cant write german without the exclamation point!!!!

Any more, anyone?

Alles lookenpeepers.

Dieser machiner ist nicht fur gefingerpoken und mitengraben. Ist eezie busten knopfen und blown fuzen.
Alzo, stecken die handen in die pocken, setzen sie sich auf der sessel and wachten das blinken lichten!
Beim ordenung. Herr Obergrupenfuhrer von Barnstormer

Only a tenuous link with flying, but ......

Four men on a train slowly making its way across Europe one balmy summer's day when a butterfly flew into the compartment.
They agreed it was exquisitely beautiful and then the Englishman, rather proudly, added: English is such a wonderfully expressive language. Even the sound of the word 'butterfly' captures its delicate nature.
The Frenchman immediately responded: Mais Monsieur, also en Francais. We say 'papillon'. Papillon - such a gentle flowing sound for such a delicate creature. The Englishman agreed, as did the Spaniard who pointed out that Spanish was just as expressive: We say 'mariposa'. Mariposa - such a soft, gentle sound. The other two nodded in agreement.
This prompted the German to join in, asserting that German was the most expressive language of all. Pointing at the beautiful insect fluttering its delicate wings, he declared: "Schmetterling! Schmetterling!"
Polite silence from the other three.

(Best read with the relevant accents in mind. ;)

My Gotten, some people have just too much time on their hands !