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You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside the Box." HOWEVER...., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers! |
The nipples of Susan Sarong
When erect were big, fat and long My plans went askew When I found out that Sue Expected no less from my schlong:\ |
UK CAA researches Hybrid Power for aircraft
A very secretive research project by the UK CAA regarding Hybrid Power for aircraft has yielded some interesting results. The CAA has looked internally for sources of ideas and one concept was selected for further study.
A full report is due to be released shortly. A photo of the prototype can be found at the following link. http://www.rvi.net/~mdhorban/hybridmotorcycle.htm |
The Captured RAF Pilot
During WWI an RAF fighter pilot was shot down and captured near a German air base. He had suffered multiple serious injuries and the German doctor decided that in order to save his life it was necessary to amputate his right arm immediately. As a courtesy the pilot requested that a German pilot fly his arm over his base in England and drop the arm on his home soil. The Germans agreed.
The next week the doctor determined it was necessary to amputate the unfortunate pilot's left arm. Again he made the same request and again the Germans agreed. The next week the doctor determined that the pilot's right leg was just too badly injured to save and again decided it was necessary to amputate. Once more the pilot made his request. However, this time the German doctor refused. “Nein," he replied sternly, "Ve do zis no more! Ve sink you are trying to escape!” |
Topical in North OZ at the moment!
Sas ran a stuff, forgot the auto ignite!
For the below, apologies to our fairer sex co-conspirators!! Women's Lib International Conference The first speaker; a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered). The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued. "Afta DA first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta DA second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta DA fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.” |
Mayday
Apologies if this has been shown before but its worth another laugh
http://www.break.com/index/weresinking.html |
Canadian Hockey Girls
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Dave,
That was a great slide show until i saw the last bit and almost copied her!!!:yuk: R22 |
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Bronx,
That is one of the funniest things ive seen in ages!!! Good work!! :ok: :ok: R22 |
Apparently this is the funniest joke ever(from an online poll).
Two hunters are out in the woods hunting, when one of them has a heart attack and keels over. His concerned friend calls the emergency services on his mobile: Friend: Help, quick. My friend's had a heart attack. I think he's dead Operator: Now calm down sir. we can help you. First of all, are you sure that he's dead? Friend: just a moment, I'll check. There is a moments silence, and then the operator hears the sound of a shot. Friend: Yes, he' dead. Now what?? |
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Lost my job today .....
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Helicopter humour
I came across this story, a more light hearted tale from vietnam, :}
John C. Ratliff, Practice Combat SAR mission "The Super Jolly Green HH-53 is a very large and heavy helicopter, but its controls are quite responsive; it rapidly began it's descent. Unfortunately, lifting a large, heavy helicopter is quite another matter. As the trees approached, the pilot raised the collective, but tentatively at first. Then he pulled it up hard.I was in the back of the helicopter, again monitoring our rear from the number 3 mini-gun position just inside the ramp. From this position, one can only look backwards. The view is breath-taking since it offers an unrestricted sight of the jungle we had just flown over. I looked down as we quickly regained altitude to see the precise outline of our helicopter in the top of a large tree. A number of vines trailed from underneath to about twenty feet behind the helicopter. I keyed the mike, and talked to the pilot "Pilot, PJ, we have vines trailing the helicopter. Do you want me to take a look underneath?" He answered "Affirmative". I put on the safety harness. With the strap fastened to the floor "D" ring, and enough strap let out to reach to back of the ramp (but just enough!), I walked underneath the strap barrier onto the ramp, laid down on my stomach, and put the visor for my helmet down. I then inched out far enough to hang my head over the ramp's edge, and look underneath the helicopter. The vines were trailing from the right wheel, but there didn't appear to be any damage. Then I looked under the helicopter at the bottom of the fuselage, and noted a fluid running back toward me—bad news! I pulled my head up, keyed the mike and notified the pilot of my findings. He asked me to identify the fluid. Fluids coming out of a helicopter can usually of two types. It can be either fuel, or hydraulic fluid. Oil is a more remote possibility, unless the copter is fired upon and hit. Hydraulic fluid is usually pink in color, but fuel can be colorless. The fluid coming out was colorless. I told the pilot, and he asked that I make sure. It is possible to mistake the problem in the 250 knot air stream, and to only definitive method was to taste the fuel. I took a glove off, stuck my finger into the fluid and tasted it. It was salty! I whirled around, looked up the inside of the helicopter and as my eyes adjusted to the dimmer light, I noted a flight engineer using the urinal! At least, we weren't in as bad a shape as we thought. But I did have some words with the flight engineer".:O |
As far as the 250 kts was concerned, sounds like it wasn't just the flight engineer taking the pi$$.......... :p
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Some more 'Lost my job today'
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Cmon Bronx....a simple matter of driving left of center. Quick summons, 50 dollars and court costs. The other driver can now trick his truck and make and open topped tour wagon for tourists.
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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges, and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. The policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and suck them dry." |
non helo. but bloody funny
this had me in tears.
the look on the poor blokes face prior to lauch is priceless. hope you find this as funny. http://www.crackmuffin.com/html/Wate...le-Launch.html BP. :ok: |
Thats bloody funny!!!
Best thing I have seen in ages, and right about now the link is being sent all round the Kiwis camps up here!! Classic Hughesy |
hughsey.
stand by ill track down part two for ya with more crazy jap antics. its as good as that last one. BP |
4 student pilots are at a train station, and buy 4 tickets for their trip.
While they are waiting for the train, 4 commercial pilots turn up, but only one of them buys a ticket. The 4 pilots then wait for the train with the students. One of the students asks, "How are you going to all travel with just the one ticket?", to which one of the pilots replies, "Watch." The train duly arrives, and the students all sit in the carriage. The pilots, however, all pile into the toilet cubicle and lock the door. The train pulls away, and the ticket inspector comes around. Seeing the ENGAGED sign on the toilet, he knocks and calls out "Tickets, please." The toilet door opens an inch, and a ticket gets handed out. Once it's stamped, it gets handed back through. The students are mightily impressed . . . . Next week at the station, the 4 students turn up, and only one of them buys a ticket. The pilots turn up just afterwards, but don't buy any tickets. One of the students says, "Surely you're not going to get by without buying a single ticket?", to which the a pilot respons, "Watch." The train arrives, and the students all pile into one of the toilets, while the pilots pile into another. As the train starts moving, one of the pilots pops out of the cubicle, walks up to the one the students are hiding in, knocks on the door and calls out "Tickets, please." . . . . . |
Man forced to into 'civil partnership' with goat
BBC report
A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal. The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said. Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat. "When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up". Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case. "They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper. |
I thought that the dowry meant that the owner of the wife should pay Mr Tombe instead. Not the other way around!
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Martin1234
Maybe that tradition only applies to normal marriages, not to civil partnerships? |
Perhaps. I wonder how they determine which owner that is to to pay if both partners are of the same gender..
I didn't understand until now what they meant by getting a tax relief by getting cattle. Mr Tombe will definately file tax jointly with his wife! |
This isn't unusual for those that are trisexual.
They'll try anything. |
ems 300 ,
That story would sound quiet familiar to you !:ok: sorry to bring that up again rattler . |
Since it's friday...
How about some jokes from you guys/gals?
Lets start with this riddle: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? * * * * * * * * * * * Get your drunk ASS off the merry-go-round. |
Given that the fire engine is therefore going round a smaller circumference, will it have the same speed?
Actually Heli-Ice, that DID make me snigger :} :D . Cheers Whirls |
Hi Whirly and happy new year!
Please do not ask me tough questions like this.... to deep for me. :O |
Drink
Paddy was on a flight back from America - Sitting beside him was a priest. Trolley dolly wanders along and offers Paddy a drink ' I'l have a large brandy please' says Paddy
- 'And you father, what would you like to drink' says the air hostess - 'I'd sooner be raped by 7 women than let alcohol pass my lips' exclaims the priest. - 'Hold on now a sec' says Paddy 'I didnt know I had a choice' |
The famous Jack
For many years people have wondered who is Jack Schitt. Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt the fertiliser magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt Inc. They had one son Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Despite their parent’s objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of their other children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable through childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local news paper announced the Schitt Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned home from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, “You know Jack Schitt” you can correct them. HT |
I just can't resist a jokes thread...
Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue: Dear Mr Addison , I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system." A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable. I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday. Yours sincerely, H J Lee Customer Relations |
Some food for "Thought" Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.
Answers on a post card please. HT :ok: |
From recent experience on the Military forum, I suspect that this thread will be shortlived to to the total lack of relevance to both flying and helicopters
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Gem,
In order to fly helicopters and rightfully claim the title of "Helicopter Pilot", one must possess a sense of humour and be able to smile at life's tribulations. Heaven knows that is sometime the only option one has left. A helicopter pilot walked into the Great Alaskan Bush Company in Anchorage, Alaska after being away in the bush for six full months. Being a refined fellow, his second greatest need was to once again enjoy a very Dry Martini. Horse **** Charlie, also a helicopter pilot who was working as a bartender promised the best Dry Martini in all of the Klondike. Horse duly delivered said Martini and stood back to enjoy the sheer pleasure our original helicopter pilot was bound to have downing that fine concoction. Just as the pilot went to reach for the drink.....the Piano player's cute little monkey slid to a stop over the drink and quickly dunked his testicles into the drink then ran off back to the piano. Our hero pushed the now runined drink across the bar and called for another only to have the Monkey do the same thing. Not wanting trouble the pilot asked for a third. Alas.....the same thing yet again happened. "That did It!" uttered the pilot....he gets up and walks down to the Piano Player (also a helicopter pilot who changed jobs after his Mom found out) and taps the guy on the shoulder and said......"Do you know your monkey just dunked his nuts in my martini?" The Piano player smiled and said "No....can't say I do....but if you hum a few bars maybe I can pick it up!" |
Mighty - maybe the thread will stay since this forum doesn't have a bunch of guys who think PPrune is owned by them.
Back to the jokes; Mickey Mouse is in the office of an esteemed Californian divorce lawyer. After listening to Mickey's complaint he says, " I'm sorry Mickey but you can't file for divorce from Minnie just because she's got big teeth." "I didn't say she had big teeth," he squeaks angrily, "I said she was f***ing Goofy." With apologies to Ian Roy as I know it is his favourite joke. |
Mighty G, too much Police time?
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "Something smells fishy around here." |
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