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Canada new Multirole fighter Aircraft

"Well, Hoskins. I'll give you *short* and *final* but it's not quite what I had in mind."

Parallel parking don't always work according to plan.

JD

http://i683.photobucket.com/albums/v...ps0730d6f9.jpg

Probably been told before and maybe not that PC and I apologise if it offends anybody, no offence is meant.

The hardest thing about being a fixed wing pilot? Telling your Father you are Gay.

Hey Doors Off, don't worry about offending anyone, this is the humour section. You can't be all things to all men - thank God!

Besides, I always thought it was about the gay son finding the hardest thing to tell his dad is that he's a fixed wing pilot :)

DO, FP, please don't go there..
..anyway, too late now.
Hardest thing? only if daddy is a chopper pilot and posting here.
Just don't tell mum that dad is gay as well - just DON'T!
:E:E:E

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back;

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

"Computer exploded."

JD

Seen on a North Sea Aviation Web Site Frequented by Helicopter Pilots

"I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local
Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its center.

Now, the Aberdeenshire Police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland
Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in
the UK are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I've never felt safer."

JD

*ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!*

True story.

Overheard in Waitrose (food store) in Cobham, Surrey, from the mouth of a 9 year old girl.

"Daddy, does 'Lego' have a silent "t" like 'Merlot'?"

Priceless!

No honny,
It is Legeaux,
like lits-jumeaux.
:)

The story I heard was that the two actresses Bridget Bardot and Jean Harlow met at a party, and Jean Harlow said cattily to Bridget Bardot "Why don't you pronounce the "t" in Bardot?" To which the quick reply was "Oh, no darling, the "t" is silent as in Harlow".

After being married for thirty years, the airline captain’s wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said: “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asked... “What does that mean?”
He replied: “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot.”

She smiled happily and exclaimed... “Oh, that’s so lovely! What about I, J, and K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his family Jewels.

The same : A blonde climb in the front and ask the pilot : It's a Airbus or a Bell Helicopter ?"
The pilot very proud say it's a Bell !
the blonde very excited screaming very loud : "BELL ! BELL, BELL"

The Pilot say : Be quiet please....

The blonde : ELL, ELL, ELL,ELL....

Retired helicopter pilot

A retired helicopter pilot moves into a nursing home and gets on well with a resident widow. Eventually things move into the bed room and they start undressing.

She says "I think I should warn you. I have acute angina".

Retired pilots response? "Thank goodness for that, your boobs are horrible!"

Blakmax

good one AC, I enjoyed that.

here's another I haven't seen before.

"A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Honda

When he spotted a well known cardiologist in the workshop. The

Cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and

take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit

surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So

Doc, look at this motor. I opened its heart, took the valves out,

Repaired or replaced anything damaged and then put everything back in,

And when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $54,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running, Son." "

Major Typo...

One typo can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip
and forgot to add ‘e’ at the end of a word.

“I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her!”

Helicopter Trouble...

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses
engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in
water, and tells the passengers to remain seated
and to keep the doors closed, stating that in
emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to
stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to
get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and
runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at
him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is
designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain
closed?!".

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also
designed to fly, and look how good that one worked
out!!"

Another tall tale

The story I like most is of a young pilot flying in Africa over several cannibal villages of witch doctors, voodoo practices, taboos and various witches.

His helicopter has an engine failure and he is forced to land near a village where he is captured. The village witch doctor tells him he would be returned to his squadron, IF he can answer a simple question. If he failed he would be cooked in a pot and eaten.

The question was ... "What do woman really want?"

The pilot spends days in thought, going over his many female friendships, conversations and past relationships going back many years. Like most pilots, he was unable to come up with the answer. He even went to the witch doctor's wife and asked if she could help. She liked the handsome pilot and said the only thing he could do was try the wise woman in the village.

When he found the wise woman's hut he was disgusted. She was old and ugly with a horrible twisted body. broken teeth, bad breath and matted hair. She smelled like a sewer.

The helicopter pilot had to save his life somehow, so steeling himself, he went in and asked if the ugly woman would give him the answer. She took an instant liking to the young man and said she would tell him ... if he married her and spent a month in her hut. She would want sex every night. If he kept her satisfied ... at the end of the month he would be set free.

The pilot agonised over his predicament, but had to agree. The ugly woman then told him .... "Woman want to take charge of everything and make all the decisions."

The pilot gave the answer to the witch doctor and the wedding was arranged.

On the wedding night, the young pilot entered the bridal chamber to find the most beautiful woman he had ever seen laying on the bed awaiting his attentions. "Where is the ugly woman." he asked.

"That is me ... you see I am a witch and I can be a beautiful woman for half the time, either by day or by night. You must now choose whether you want me to be beautiful ... by day or at night in our bed."

The pilot could see the problem and dare not upset the woman. But he was a clever pilot. "You can decide that," he said. Whereupon the woman replied ... "You have given me what I want and I will be beautiful for you for the whole month."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS; IF YOU DON'T GIVE A WOMAN WHAT SHE WANTS - THINGS WILL GET UGLY.

Go on ...laugh. Dennis Kenyon.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled:

"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his mobile phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph.
Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're

travelling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "The $hit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."