AGAIN!!!
That list of defects has come back to life more times than Lazarus. Last time i heard it it was alegedly from the US Air Force... They still make me chuckle though.

P: Spider web in widshield wiper motor
S. Spider web cheked within limits.
Buen vuelo

Maintenance Log Entries
 

If a pilot would write up the ash tray full - I would empty it in his helmet bag.

Another non-helicopter related joke...
 

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.

Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Brilliant and a necessary item for us over stressed pilots. The last one was wonderful 'Brasilion' just about hits the nail on the head.

Warning
Province of Inhambane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
Due to the rising frequency of Human-Lion encounters, the Ministry (Inhambane branch), is advising hikers, hunters, fisherman, motorcyclists that use the out- of- doors in recreational or work related function to use extra precautions while in the bush…

We advise people to wear small bells on clothing to warn any Lions nearby that you are there, and don’t take them by surprise.
We also advise people in the bush to carry pepper spray with him/her in case of encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also watch for Lion activity and be able to tell the difference between small lion faeces and large lion faeces.
Small Lion faeces are smaller and contain lots of berries and dassie fur.

Big Lion faeces has bells in it, and smells like pepper..

Enjoy your stay in Mozambique!

Shocking experience

Very short clip


(Watch the women's reaction)

electric fence
 

As a kid on the farm I used to grab one of my sisters' hands before grabbing hold of the electric fence. Got about the same reaction from them.

Airline Cadet to Captian: Sir, I'm told that you guys get laid absolutely anytime you want.

Captain: Well son, let me think, ahh... , the last time I got laid was 1956.

Cadet: God, you must be getting desperate!

Captain: Naw, not yet, it's only 2200 now.

Management-Joke
 

A man in a hot air ballon realised he was lost.
He decreased altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a little more and shouted " Excuse me can you help me, I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago and I don't know where I am"
The woman replied" You are in a hot air balloon roughly 50' above the ground between21 and 22 degrees east and 139 and 140 degrees south"
"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.
"How did you know" the woman asked.
"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea of what to make of your information and the fact is i am still lost. Frankly you have not been much help at all"
"You must be in management" replies the woman.
"How did you know" replies the balloonist.
"Well" said the woman " you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people below you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were in before you met me, but now, somehow, it's all my fault".

German Coast Guard

http://video.greatestjournal.com/fil...ial%202006.mpg

You said "extra precautions while in the bush…";)

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

True story a few years ago after lifting things on to tall buildings.
Shortly after landing at the base the phone rang with a prospective client wanting to know if we could lift a large neon sign off the top of his building. The crewman overheard the conversation between the pilot and customer and the pilots reservation due to the 4 ton weight. The crewman stepped up to the phone and indicated he would like to talk to the man. The phone was duly handed over and the crewman enquired whether the neon sign could be tuned on. The client indicated there would be no problems but why---so that it would be lighter was the reply. Needless to say the job did not occur.:)

I enjoyed Heliport's guy on the electric fence, but Dave Jackson's Coastguard video is the funniest thing I have seen in ages.

Thanks guys! :ok:

I would have to give my vote for WHK4 for the best joke on this thread:ok: Keep them coming!

Helicopter Humour
 

It is a funny world, perhaps we need to have a little chuckle at our own expense every once in a while.
Hence this thread:
Allow me to begin.
I have no idea who wrote this but it is funny.

The Life of a Helicopter Pilot:

Grand canyon tour,
> Get up at 4.30AM, drive 90 miles to the ditch, have 5th cup of
> coffee, preflight, pee, get in start up, load up the midwestern
> beefeaters, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30
> minutes, fly for an hour, fly for 30 minutes, fly for an hour.
> Can I have a break? No, ok, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30
> minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes. fly for 30
> minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for an hour, get out tie down,
> PEE, drive 90 miles home,eat, sleep, repeat.
>
> Hawaii tour
> See above but get to wear funky hawaii shirt and short...
>
> Offshore Oil:
> See above but the tourists smell bad and the river is a lot
> bigger...
> Tuna Boat:
> See above, but you get to chant: Where da fish, where da fish...
>
> Powerline patrol:
> See above but you get to say: tower one, tower two, tower 3,
> tower 4, tower 5......tower 496, tower 497, etc...
>
> Pipeline patrol:
> See above but you get to say: yup it's a pipeline. yup it's a
> pipeline, yup it's a pipeline, yup it's a pipeline. yup it's a
> pipeline,.....Sh# theres a wire, ok, yup it's a pipeline, yup
> it's a pipeline, yup it's a pipeline....
>
> EMS:
> Get to work, have 7th cup of coffee, preflight, pee,news, eat,
> sleep,eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, BEEP BEEP BEEP,
> motorcycle vrs a big rig, fly 20 minutes, load patient,
> Yuuuuuuko!!! That looks like it hurts, fly 20 minutes, off-load,
> debrief, eat, sleep, eat sleep, eat, sleep, go home...
>
> Logging:
> Get up at 5, have 3rd cup of coffee, preflight, comin up, log,
> log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log,log, Wipe up
> CP's puke,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,etc...Shut
> down go home drink a massive amounts of beer with hookers.
>
> Fire:
> Get up at 4 AM, drive an hour, have 9th cup of coffee, mission
> plan, you want to WHAT? Put on bucket go to fire. OH! big fire!
> Up down, turn around, fetch a pail of water, repeat 160 times.
> Shut down, wait untill 14 hours is over. Out of duty time, find
> tent, eat at base camp, visit little blue room, sleep up again,
> at 5am repeat...
>
> CFI:
> Get in at 9am, have 10 cups of coffee, 3 cigs,and wait for no
> shows, Non english speaking student shows up, preflifgt, flifgt
> SREAM: I HAVE THE CONTROLS!!, repeat 20 times, After hour
> flight, clean short, repeat 5 times, go home knowing your the
> pilot god that saved the R22 from the clutches of the student
> pilot, get on PC and type resume, yup getting 252.4 hours. look
> for way to get turbine time job with out flight time, go to
> sleep thinking how great it would be working as a real pilot!
>

Yeah, but it still beats working for a living! :ok:

Crew Room Banter
 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ####.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try flying smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f@$k-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant
21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber Than a Box
of Rocks Award.
22. You know the acronym in front of your name won't keep me from kicking
your ass in the parking lot.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person.
25. This isn't a cockpit . It's Hell with dim lighting.
26. I started out with nothing still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice aftershave. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

I like the first one albatross, especially the cfi one! :ok: Theres a law in florida if you feel threatened by someone, you can legally shoot them and get away with it. A cfi the other day said hes going to start shooting his students when they try to kill him in a helicopter!:sad:

Seagull 500

Helicopter Humour and Jokes
 

Heaven or Hell

There once was a helicopter pilot who lived his whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people he worked for. In fact, he made sure that every job he did resulted in a win-win situation for somone. One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus and he died.

His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a helicopter pilot make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the master of all things with a rotorhead.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" said the pilot in fine smart-ass tradition. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put our hero in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and our aviator friend found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - guys, that he had worked with and they were all dressed in party suits, and blue jeans, wearing cowboy hats, and looking like a very non-standard, but happy group, and cheering for him. They ran up and shook his hand, and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. Our wizzard of rotorwinged flight met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy, and not at all like a Management Type. He had a great time drinking, telling jokes, drinking, and telling war stories, drinking, and dancing. Oh, and there was some drinking.

Our aviator was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved good-bye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So our faithful pilot spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got him. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity. "The master of all that has rotorblades paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the pilot went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around him. "I don't understand," stammered the (seldom) confused helicopter pilot , "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster And we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at him and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

SASless
 

yep, try this

From a reliable Irish source

Fuel supply interrupter instal procedures.
Yeah, paddy has too many drop kicks yer see,
so the doc says to paddy;
Put a double bunger in a beer can, light it,
an hold it close to yer-ear,
an count to ten!
Oi! How can that help cut off me fuel supply?
It will paddy, it will!
Paddy gets to foive, an does a random VFR approach
to a-point-in-space between the undercarriage legs,
an counts the let down on the remaining foive digits!

My coey says the same procedure is fail-safe in enzed

Another one - true and only in OZ
 

Found on the ABC news this am and is deserved on this thread,
Esp. the bit about the bolts.

we will look for follow up later.

Last Update: Wednesday, March 22, 2006. 7:30am (AEDT)

Scientists gear up for new scramjet tests
An international team of scientists has returned to Woomera in South Australia's north to carry out more tests on a supersonic engine.

Final preparations are underway for the test launch of the Hyshot-3 scramjet engine on Friday.

The test launch of the scramjet engine at the Woomera range is the first of two scheduled for this month.

The latest attempt is the third since 2001, and since the last attempt in 2002, scientists have improved the engine's design.

The team leader and University of Queensland professor, Allan Paull, is confident there will not be a repeat of the rocket crashing five years ago.

He says there is always an element of risk.

"If it does go wrong, we've done all the safety planning to ensure that the environment as well as the people are safe basically," he said.

"[We'll] screw all the bolts in and lock them in with a special glue, polish it up, and put the stickers on and away we go."

Scientists are attaching the engine to a rocket that will travel about eight times the speed of sound.

Professor Paull says the technology could lead to quicker and cheaper satellite launches and eventually the ability to fly from Sydney to London in two hours.

"This research goes towards the development of high-speed air-breathing engines, which can be used for high-speed transport in any form you like to name, which when we talk about high-speed, we're talking about mach 8 and above, and ultimately we hope to be able to use it to launch satellites in the low-Earth orbit," he said.

Stolen from another helicopter website with Thong photos
 

The following scene took place on a BA flight between

Johannesburg and London.

This is a true story.



A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a Hispanic man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.

"Madam, what is the matter," the Hostess asked.

"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded.

"You placed me next to a Hispanic man.

I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group.

Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm please, " the Hostess replied.

"Almost all the places on this flight are taken.

I will go to see if another seat is available."

The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.

"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats

in the Economy class.

I spoke to the Captain and he informed me that there is

also no seats in the Business class.

But, "we still have one seat in the First class."

Before the woman could say anything, the Hostess continued:

"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from

the Economy class to sit in the First class.

However, given the circumstances,

the Captain feels that it would be scandalous to make

someone sit next to someone so disgusting."

She turned to the Hispanic guy, and said,

"Therefore, Sir,

if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage,

a seat awaits you in First class."

At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by

what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.

How about these ones....
 

http://www.dailyfunny****.com/articl...51010124511404

http://www.dailyfunny****.com/articl...60222122006162

http://www.dailyfunny****.com/articl...60317123339815


:ok:

ZK,

Those videos are great!

If any of you have seen Larry the cable guy off the Blue Collar Comedy Tour you know he is sooo funny, when you can understand him!!!!

:ok:

ho ho
 

A man goes into a pet shop and starts looking at the monkeys. The first one he comes to is $20, but the next one along is $50. So he says to the store owner "how come this monkey is so expensive?"
The store owner says "well that monkey is a very clever monkey, it is a LAME and can tear down engines, balance blades etc".
The man is very impressed and keeps walking down the line of monkeys until he comes to a monkey with a $100 price tag. "Wow" says the man, this one is really expensive. "ah yes" says the store owner, "that one is a check in counter monkey, a very clever monkey that can meet and greet passengers and even complete load sheets".
Now the man is deeply impressed until he comes to the last cage with a fat, grumpy looking monkey with a $1000 price tag. "A thousand dollars for a chimp? what the hell can he do" the man enquires.
"nobody knows" says the store owner, "he just sits on his arse drinking beer all day and playing with himself... but his papers say that he is a helicopter pilot....."

Rotorbiggles

Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
 

The joke is --it flew.

ABC news

Last Update: Saturday, March 25, 2006. 5:10pm (AEDT)

Scramjet ... UQ team leading international efforts. (File photo) (Reuters TV)

Scramjet team 'happy' after Woomera flight
A supersonic jet engine known as a scramjet, which could dramatically reduce the time of air travel around the world, has been tested in South Australia's far north.

Seconds after the jet set off, there was a supersonic boom across the Woomera test range.

It travelled more than 300 kilometres into the air before crashing ten minutes later, 400 kilometres down the range.

The University of Queensland is heading an international team testing the scramjet technology, which travels up to 8,000 kilometres an hour - almost eight times the speed of sound.

Team leader Allan Paul says the flight went well but it will take several months to analyse the data they have collected.

He says the team is happy with the result so far.

"I haven't seen them on such a high for a long time," he said.

"It's been a hard couple of weeks, in fact it's been hard since Christmas, and the team has really responded well."

He says the launch went according to plan but there were a few tense moments.

"You're looking at it as it goes up, and you're worried if it's going to make it," he said.

"It's probably a very unnerving feeling actually."

Dr Paul says they should have some preliminary results by tomorrow.

Print Email





Related Video
An international project team has held a successful trial of a supersonic jet in the South Australian outback.

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New Boss for Channel Nine
 

channel nine drivers may be looking for a new boss according to this one that turned up yesterday.

OZ expats will enjoy this one. It details the ‘meteoric’ promotion of one Eddie McGuire in the channel nine metwork.

A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and
thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even
moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of
cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?"

The constable replies, "Its Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed
about his personal life - the thought of moving with Carla & Joseph to
Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved Magpies, Channel 9
losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who
wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's
stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening
to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.

He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay For
the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current house
in Toorak up to scratch to put it on the market.

We're taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you got so far?"
"About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

I have a funny non aviation clip saved on my pc I,d like to share it here but don,t know how.Quite new to forum so go easy on me
R

The Koala and the little Lizard
 

Ok non aviation but still good.

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past

and looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, he looks up and says "Hey you!"

the koala looks down at him and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

:}

Talking Clock
 

And another

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends
late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the
guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk
replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"


:D

The rabbit and the grissly bear
 

A cute little rabbit and a grissly were out in the woods taking a dump.
Just when they were finishing the grissly ask the rabbit "hey Bugs, does the sh** stick to your fur?"
"No" answers the rabbit.
"Thats just great!" says the grissly, grabs the rabbit by the throat and wipes his a** clean with! :}

Bush is in free-fall.
If he gets stuck just pick him up with your mouse, and drag him where you like...strangely satisfying!!!


http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm

Bush in freefall
 

Wicked :}

Now where can I find one with Blair? They both deserve to freefall at the same time. :E

Bush in freefall
 

ahhhhhhhh how can i put the head of my ex wife on him , exelent

Military Intelligence
 

MILITARY INTELLIGENCE

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
_____________________________________

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3"

-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
_____________________________________

"Aim towards the Enemy."

-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
_____________________________________

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

-U.S. Marine Corps
_____________________________________

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to
always hit the ground."

-USAF Ammo Troop
_____________________________________

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

-U.S. Air Force Manual
_____________________________________

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
automatic weapons."

-General Macarthur
_____________________________________

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________

"You, you, and you... Panic! The rest of you, come with me."

-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

_____________________________________

"Tracers work both ways."

-U.S. Army Ordnance
_____________________________________

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do
anything."

-U.S. Navy Swabbie
_____________________________________

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

-David Hackworth
_____________________________________

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."

-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

-Joe Gay
_____________________________________

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."

-Anonymous
_____________________________________

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

-Unknown Marine Recruit
_____________________________________

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

-Your Buddies
_____________________________________

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

-USAF Ammo Troop
_____________________________________

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

-At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
_____________________________________

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

_____________________________________

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in
the sky."

-From an old carrier sailor
_____________________________________

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter... and therefore, unsafe."

_____________________________________

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash."

_____________________________________

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

_____________________________________

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot
screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up... the pilot dies."

_____________________________________

"Never trade luck for skill."

_____________________________________

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

_____________________________________

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete
the flight."

_____________________________________

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is
prevarication."

_____________________________________

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

_____________________________________

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose
of storing dead batteries."

_____________________________________

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on
the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

_____________________________________

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

_____________________________________

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a
sunny day."

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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable,
endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and
gently as possible."

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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum."

-Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
possible."

-Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the
edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there."

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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to
taxi to the terminal."

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the
wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a
bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

-Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

eew, flat beer!