Joke.......
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2000
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From: Brighton. UK. (Via Liverpool).
Joke.......
Bloke walks in to the corner shop and asks for a packet of helicopter crisps.
Shop keeper says "Sorry, we only have plain..........."
Shop keeper says "Sorry, we only have plain..........."
Last edited by BRL; 10th October 2005 at 00:22.
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 128
Likes: 1
From: The Peaks
Whats the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?
Well, one mucks about in a fountain.............
Similarly, whats the difference between a policemans truncheon and a magicians wand?
One used for cunning stunts..........................
Well, one mucks about in a fountain.............
Similarly, whats the difference between a policemans truncheon and a magicians wand?
One used for cunning stunts..........................
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,339
Likes: 1
From: My house
Bloke walks into a bar and pulls out of his pocket a 12inch man and a piano,
The bloke orders a drink while the little guy plays away some nice music on his piano.
Barman returns and asks why the bloke has a little guy and a piano with him,
The bloke replies" well walking down the street yesterday i saw a lamp on the side of the road so i gave it a little rub. Out popped a guinie and said i cud have one wish. I sais i wish.....
Just as i did a lorry drove by and iv got stuck with a 12 inch pianist"
Ha long one but made me chuckle.
Nick
The bloke orders a drink while the little guy plays away some nice music on his piano.
Barman returns and asks why the bloke has a little guy and a piano with him,
The bloke replies" well walking down the street yesterday i saw a lamp on the side of the road so i gave it a little rub. Out popped a guinie and said i cud have one wish. I sais i wish.....
Just as i did a lorry drove by and iv got stuck with a 12 inch pianist"
Ha long one but made me chuckle.
Nick
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 87
Likes: 0
From: UK
Not Jokes but some are very good especially the 60,000’ one…!
Aviation Truisms
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
[Related to this one, I heard a story one time of a controller in the LA area that received a request for FL600 (60,000 feet). The controller responded the aircraft was welcome to that altitude if it could get that high, to which the pilot of the SR71 responded he would be descending to FL600!]
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up… the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH !!!!!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
TNB
Aviation Truisms
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
[Related to this one, I heard a story one time of a controller in the LA area that received a request for FL600 (60,000 feet). The controller responded the aircraft was welcome to that altitude if it could get that high, to which the pilot of the SR71 responded he would be descending to FL600!]
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up… the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH !!!!!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
TNB
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 647
Likes: 0
From: UK
An old one: Rotarian is asked to give a talk on sexual variations to his colleagues, but tells his wife he will be talking about gliding.
Next day she meets another rotarian who says "Your husband's talk was fantastic - I had no idea he had so many experiences in such a variety of positions".
She says " That's funny; as far as I know, he only tried it twice. The first time his hat blew off, and the second time made him sick!"
Next day she meets another rotarian who says "Your husband's talk was fantastic - I had no idea he had so many experiences in such a variety of positions".
She says " That's funny; as far as I know, he only tried it twice. The first time his hat blew off, and the second time made him sick!"
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 175
Likes: 1
From: Sydney
Darwin
Bloke lands at Darwin and gets out with his pet 3 meter salt water croc on a dog lead. Goes accross to the aero club bar and sits down. The croc slithers up and rests his jaw on the bar.
"Do you serve Poms here" he asks
"Yes," says the barman"We serve anybody"
"Well I'll have a beer, and a Pom for the crocodile"
"Do you serve Poms here" he asks
"Yes," says the barman"We serve anybody"
"Well I'll have a beer, and a Pom for the crocodile"
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 227
Likes: 0
From: Northants
A bloke goes into a bar with his dog on a lead. The barman asks "What kind of dog is that?"
"It's a long nosed, short legged, long tailed terrier" came the reply.
"Never heard of it" says the barman, "I've got a Doberman that would kill it it seconds"
"Twenty qiud say it couldn't" came the reply
"Your'e on" says the barman.
They take to two dogs into the back yard and let them loose. Within 30 seconds the Doberman is left dead in a pool of blood.
"Tell me again what your dog is" says the distarught barman as he hands over his £20.
"It's a long nosed, short legged, long tailed terrier" replied the owner, "though some people call them crocodiles!!"
"It's a long nosed, short legged, long tailed terrier" came the reply.
"Never heard of it" says the barman, "I've got a Doberman that would kill it it seconds"
"Twenty qiud say it couldn't" came the reply
"Your'e on" says the barman.
They take to two dogs into the back yard and let them loose. Within 30 seconds the Doberman is left dead in a pool of blood.
"Tell me again what your dog is" says the distarught barman as he hands over his £20.
"It's a long nosed, short legged, long tailed terrier" replied the owner, "though some people call them crocodiles!!"
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 101
Likes: 0
From: Bletchley
If it appeared earlier I apologise
Bloke walks into a bar and produces a reptile from his pocked and places it on the bar and says to the barman "I'll have a pint please and a Gin and Tonic for Tiny"
"Why do call it Tiny" asks the barman
"Becasue he's my newt" says the man
Oh come on folks its Saturday- it s thick fog
sad:
Bloke walks into a bar and produces a reptile from his pocked and places it on the bar and says to the barman "I'll have a pint please and a Gin and Tonic for Tiny"
"Why do call it Tiny" asks the barman
"Becasue he's my newt" says the man
Oh come on folks its Saturday- it s thick fog
sad: