Merged: Funny Stuff You've heard in skies
Join Date: Nov 2006
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(after arrival at the strip in the 210)
Pax: "what are those holes in the side of the plane for?"
Me: "thats where the wheels go"
Passenger looks very puzzled..
Pax: "Well, where are the wheels?"
(after overtaking a 206 in the 210)
Pax: "Is this plane faster than that one?"
(After landing 206 in a bush strip)
Pax: "did the computer land the plane or was it you?"
Just a few examples of spontanious human stupidity displayed by the average Punter.......
Pax: "what are those holes in the side of the plane for?"
Me: "thats where the wheels go"
Passenger looks very puzzled..
Pax: "Well, where are the wheels?"
(after overtaking a 206 in the 210)
Pax: "Is this plane faster than that one?"
(After landing 206 in a bush strip)
Pax: "did the computer land the plane or was it you?"
Just a few examples of spontanious human stupidity displayed by the average Punter.......
Join Date: Sep 2000
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Sunny Darwin one afternoon:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first officer ....... speaking. On behalf of captain four-bars and the cabin crew, welcome aboard flight.....to Adelaide. Weather enroute today.......blah blah blah...weather for our arrival.......once again, thanks for flying with ........ and enjoy your time with us."
After the 5 other aircraft madly jump in asking for descent/climb which they have been denied for the last 3 minutes, I say: ".......that pax brief was lovely, but it was on the APP frequency"
"Ah......sorry about that, looks like I'm buying the beers tonight.....and I have to do the stupid thing again!"
Lots of laughs fro all on freq.
Cheers,
NFR
PS. Names have been deleted to protect the guilty
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first officer ....... speaking. On behalf of captain four-bars and the cabin crew, welcome aboard flight.....to Adelaide. Weather enroute today.......blah blah blah...weather for our arrival.......once again, thanks for flying with ........ and enjoy your time with us."
After the 5 other aircraft madly jump in asking for descent/climb which they have been denied for the last 3 minutes, I say: ".......that pax brief was lovely, but it was on the APP frequency"
"Ah......sorry about that, looks like I'm buying the beers tonight.....and I have to do the stupid thing again!"
Lots of laughs fro all on freq.
Cheers,
NFR
PS. Names have been deleted to protect the guilty
Join Date: Sep 2004
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Overheard on Ohakea frequency - control used for passing traffic but airfield is military only:
OH: "ABC, Ohakea, do you copy?"
2 mins later:
OH: "ABC, Ohakea, do you copy?
2 mins later:
OH: "ABC, Okahea, do you copy?"
2 MORE minutes later:
ABC: "Ohakea tower, ABC. I heard you're trying to contact me?"
OH: "ABC, Ohakea. Er yes. Can you state current position please?"
ABC: "Um, hang on. I'm on a cross country north to Taupo. I'm at 1200 feet but I'm not actually, um, entirely sure exactly where i am"
OH: "ABC, we can tell you exactly where you are. You are in the active circuit at Okakea..."
I pray to never be in the air at the same time.... 
OH: "ABC, Ohakea, do you copy?"
2 mins later:
OH: "ABC, Ohakea, do you copy?
2 mins later:
OH: "ABC, Okahea, do you copy?"
2 MORE minutes later:
ABC: "Ohakea tower, ABC. I heard you're trying to contact me?"
OH: "ABC, Ohakea. Er yes. Can you state current position please?"
ABC: "Um, hang on. I'm on a cross country north to Taupo. I'm at 1200 feet but I'm not actually, um, entirely sure exactly where i am"
OH: "ABC, we can tell you exactly where you are. You are in the active circuit at Okakea..."
I pray to never be in the air at the same time....
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Tl approach abc cleared 5000ft with Echo Echo Echo
)Just remember that rego WTH is the story of a good night out in Nelson...
Last edited by hard_yakka; 9th Aug 2007 at 00:25.
Join Date: Aug 2007
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Looking for paddock near Biloela, once upon a time
newly spat out Ag2 so needed human markers
looking..looking nothing at all resembling the fax map.
Voice comes up on company channel
Farmer ....yer just flew past us
Me...........where are you?. (meaning N,S,E orW)
Farmer.....Yer on me left.
Nother little gem that used to come up a lot pre-GPS
Yer can`t miss it!
newly spat out Ag2 so needed human markers
looking..looking nothing at all resembling the fax map.
Voice comes up on company channel
Farmer ....yer just flew past us
Me...........where are you?. (meaning N,S,E orW)
Farmer.....Yer on me left.
Nother little gem that used to come up a lot pre-GPS
Yer can`t miss it!
Join Date: Oct 2002
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Sitting down at lunch with the happy punters during an all day scenic. Had a very nice newly married couple and an old couple. Everyone getting on great...
Younger newly married guy "can I ask you a question about the plane?"
Me "Sure, but no promises about a correct answer"
YNMG "Now, I get that the engine on the front makes us fly through the air but where is the motor for the wheels on the ground?"
Me "Good one mate" (Others chuckles from around the table)
YNMG "No, seriously, there has to be another motor to make the wheels go around?"
The look on the poor Newly Married Womens face still makes me laugh...
Younger newly married guy "can I ask you a question about the plane?"
Me "Sure, but no promises about a correct answer"
YNMG "Now, I get that the engine on the front makes us fly through the air but where is the motor for the wheels on the ground?"
Me "Good one mate" (Others chuckles from around the table)
YNMG "No, seriously, there has to be another motor to make the wheels go around?"
The look on the poor Newly Married Womens face still makes me laugh...
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Noise abatement from FL380
Here's another one..... read this from somewhere. Had to change the flight number as I don't remember the original one.
** United 123 is a DC10
United 123: Minneapolis Centre, United 123 maintaining flight level 380
ATC: United 123, turn left heading 090 for noise abatement
United 123: Turning left 090..... but, how much noise can we make down there from all the way up up here ?
ATC: Sir, have you heard how much noise a DC10 makes when it hits a 737 ???
** United 123 is a DC10
United 123: Minneapolis Centre, United 123 maintaining flight level 380
ATC: United 123, turn left heading 090 for noise abatement
United 123: Turning left 090..... but, how much noise can we make down there from all the way up up here ?
ATC: Sir, have you heard how much noise a DC10 makes when it hits a 737 ???
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ZK-EEE reminds me...
There was a Cougar around a while ago registered ZK-SSS... twas frequently called "Sierra three" or "Sierra cubed" by the tower, not sure I ever heard it called it's proper name - except by the owner - who had a lisp..... and also chose the rego himself
"Napier Tower, Thiera Thiera Thiera..."
The author confirms that this story is being recalled from an era of alcohol induced hazes and any reference to the said owner is followed by any apologies necessary...
There was a Cougar around a while ago registered ZK-SSS... twas frequently called "Sierra three" or "Sierra cubed" by the tower, not sure I ever heard it called it's proper name - except by the owner - who had a lisp.....
and also chose the rego himself "Napier Tower, Thiera Thiera Thiera..."
The author confirms that this story is being recalled from an era of alcohol induced hazes and any reference to the said owner is followed by any apologies necessary...
Many moons ago while driving a RAAF B707 from Trenton CFB in Ontario to McGuire AFB in New Jersey the local ATC centre piped up and asked Air Canada XYZ if he was ready to copy a re-route, he replied he was and then something along the lines of this came over the air,
"Air Canada XYZ cleared present position direct ABC, direct DEF, direct HJK direct etc etc"
After some delay the very slow talking Canadian came back with this,
"Air Canada XYZ arrrhhh we're radar vector qualified you know"
Quick as a flash centre replies,
"Air Canada XYZ fly heading 143"
Which makes you wonder why he didn't say that in the first place.
Regards,
BH.
"Air Canada XYZ cleared present position direct ABC, direct DEF, direct HJK direct etc etc"
After some delay the very slow talking Canadian came back with this,
"Air Canada XYZ arrrhhh we're radar vector qualified you know"
Quick as a flash centre replies,
"Air Canada XYZ fly heading 143"
Which makes you wonder why he didn't say that in the first place.
Regards,
BH.
Never Forget these gems:
RFDS A/c early one morning airborne out of Charleville for Brisbane
FD*: Bn Cen Morning, FD* Airborne Charleville on climb FL* for Goondoowoowhoa hang on a sec...ah Toowoomba
Virgin Requesting level changes due to CAT.
VB: request FL360, 38 and 40 had medium chop
Anonymous Voice: It's lovely and smooth down here at 4000!
Lastly, 20 miles Hervey Bay inbound, busy circuit traffic, aftermath of Bundy Airshow.
ABC: All traffic ABC Cherokee Six over Hervey Bay CBD, 1500 inbound, circuit 2 minutes
Anon: I didn't know Hervey Bay had a CBD!!!!!????
Anon2: Ah well that's not what the council will have you believe!!!
had me in stitches and the pax wondering what was so funny
j3
RFDS A/c early one morning airborne out of Charleville for Brisbane
FD*: Bn Cen Morning, FD* Airborne Charleville on climb FL* for Goondoowoowhoa hang on a sec...ah Toowoomba
Virgin Requesting level changes due to CAT.
VB: request FL360, 38 and 40 had medium chop
Anonymous Voice: It's lovely and smooth down here at 4000!
Lastly, 20 miles Hervey Bay inbound, busy circuit traffic, aftermath of Bundy Airshow.
ABC: All traffic ABC Cherokee Six over Hervey Bay CBD, 1500 inbound, circuit 2 minutes
Anon: I didn't know Hervey Bay had a CBD!!!!!????
Anon2: Ah well that's not what the council will have you believe!!!
had me in stitches and the pax wondering what was so funny
j3
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ATIS at Coolangatta a few years ago when the tower supervisor turned up for work in a bad mood "This is Coolangatta information Grumpy........."
Apparently he heard it and cheered up so the next recording became......Happy!
Until, that was, some miserable bastard of an Ansett captain threatened to report them for non-standard phraseology
Didn't stop the rest of us. For weeks afterward any ATIS with a letter corresponding to the seven dwarves was fair game.
Apparently he heard it and cheered up so the next recording became......Happy!
Until, that was, some miserable bastard of an Ansett captain threatened to report them for non-standard phraseology
Didn't stop the rest of us. For weeks afterward any ATIS with a letter corresponding to the seven dwarves was fair game.
Join Date: Jun 2004
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Scene setter.....
A Willo 4C arrival is a standard instrument arrival from the south into London Gatwick, it comprises RNAV points Goodwood, Holly, and the Initial fix of Willo which is also the holding fix......
ATC "Air Portugal XXX Willo 4C arrival descend and maintain FL130"
A/C "Descend and maintain FL130 Willy arrrr Willo 4C"
ATC "Thompson xxx cleared direct holly willo to hold,...delays less than 10 minutes"
A/C "Cleared hollow willey to hold willy for less than 10 minutes........."
ATC "close enough....you might need moisturiser"...followed by giggles in the background
Or another favourite whilst in French airspace..
ATC "Monarch XXX zay maccch nummberrrrr"
Us "Mach number"
ATC "Monarch XXX zay 'eading"
Us "'eading":
Makes the day go a bit faster
A Willo 4C arrival is a standard instrument arrival from the south into London Gatwick, it comprises RNAV points Goodwood, Holly, and the Initial fix of Willo which is also the holding fix......
ATC "Air Portugal XXX Willo 4C arrival descend and maintain FL130"
A/C "Descend and maintain FL130 Willy arrrr Willo 4C"
ATC "Thompson xxx cleared direct holly willo to hold,...delays less than 10 minutes"
A/C "Cleared hollow willey to hold willy for less than 10 minutes........."
ATC "close enough....you might need moisturiser"...followed by giggles in the background
Or another favourite whilst in French airspace..
ATC "Monarch XXX zay maccch nummberrrrr"
Us "Mach number"
ATC "Monarch XXX zay 'eading"
Us "'eading"
:Makes the day go a bit faster
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Back when there was such a thing as Flight Service..
A female voice pops up on Area.
"Adelaide, ABC, departed Beltana 42, tracking 042, climbing 4500, Gluepot at 13, request area QNH in inches."
Obviously a bit of trouble with the millibar subscale.
"ABC, no traffic, area QNH 1013."
"Adelaide, ABC, request area QNH in inches"
"ABC, area QNH 1013"
A few other calls go by....
Young female voice again: "Adelaide, ABC?"
Unknown: "For pity's sake Adelaide, its two-niner decimal niner two inches, and with that sort of length, you'll have to feed it to her nice and slow!"
A female voice pops up on Area.
"Adelaide, ABC, departed Beltana 42, tracking 042, climbing 4500, Gluepot at 13, request area QNH in inches."
Obviously a bit of trouble with the millibar subscale.
"ABC, no traffic, area QNH 1013."
"Adelaide, ABC, request area QNH in inches"
"ABC, area QNH 1013"
A few other calls go by....
Young female voice again: "Adelaide, ABC?"
Unknown: "For pity's sake Adelaide, its two-niner decimal niner two inches, and with that sort of length, you'll have to feed it to her nice and slow!"
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During my line training on my first ever multi-crew jet job I was crewed with a training captain who become something of a mentor. He was also an ex-ATC from the London area and so knew most of the controllers who recognised his voice from time to time which was good for a bit of banter.
Crossing London one day one of his ex-colleagues tried to load him up with "ABC you have traffic in your one o'clock, one thousand feet below, tracking left to right. Traffic in your twelve o'clock, one thousand feet above, tracking right to left. Traffic in your eleven o'clock, same altitude, same track, five miles..........", he gave us about eight aircraft to look for. "This'll be good" I thought, wondering how he was going to respond. There was a brief pause before he took a deep breath, keyed the mike and in a deep, god-like voice said "I SEE THEM ALLLLLLLLLLLLL"
Crossing London one day one of his ex-colleagues tried to load him up with "ABC you have traffic in your one o'clock, one thousand feet below, tracking left to right. Traffic in your twelve o'clock, one thousand feet above, tracking right to left. Traffic in your eleven o'clock, same altitude, same track, five miles..........", he gave us about eight aircraft to look for. "This'll be good" I thought, wondering how he was going to respond. There was a brief pause before he took a deep breath, keyed the mike and in a deep, god-like voice said "I SEE THEM ALLLLLLLLLLLLL"