"You've got it? Then why the hell are you calling me!!!"...*click

"Ma'am?......Ma'am...."

I know that with Covid-19 and Brexit we're a bit short of cash at the moment, but surely the government can afford to buy us cordless phones.

"One does insist upon ordering from Harrods - even if Tesco does have toilet rolls."

B (thinks): "I've always wanted to have my hands in my pockets when talking to an authority figure."

HM: "So this herd immunity policy - it means anyone over 70 is disposable, does it? I know you don't rate knowledge and understanding, but do you know what Treason is?"

Clicking in the background on the line....

Yes Mr President our Agent Novachock has had its delayed reaction.

“No, one does NOT want to buy insurance for those final expenses!”

Boris....Yes we are one step closer to William becoming King. You can rest easy Camilla will NEVER become Queen

HM: "Let me recommend to you a good hairdresser - come to think of it, probably the most incompetent in the whole country could do better than that."

No matter how many of your Ministers are incapacitated Farage will not become PM

Please hold the line, your call is important to us. ..Music plays God Save The Queen

B: “I am from Microsoft Technical Services, and I can see you have a virus on your computer.”
Q: “Good try, Prime Minister, now get back to work.”

HMTQ....Please arrange a clear passage to Orkney, one has to protect ones Corgies

HMTQ "Have you been in an accident that wasn't your fault? No? Thought not!!"

No sorry Mr Johnson, at times of National Emergency you do not inspire the country unlike Mr Churchill

Or Mrs Thatcher!!

Betty: "Well call the EU for help...oh wait...good job Boris!"

HMTQ.... Philip thanks you for clearing the roads for him, he is just popping out in the Range Rover to pick me up a copy of The Times...

Well I am The Queen and it has my name on it so if I want to take a cruise round the Mediterranean you should make it available to me.

mum can I drop around about noonish, I've got some wonderful news

Prince George upon seeing this picture on Nannie asks, 'is that a hearing aid' I thought they were invisible. .
Wills.. no son it's a phone
George even more confused goes off to a corner

Sorry, couldn't resist it.

“Well 007, what is is it now?”

”Good morning, M! I think Jeremy has begun to get suspicious about the wig, so I’ve decided to go under cover for the next few weeks!”

“Good idea, 007; in fact the best you’ve had so far!”

"Yes, Boris, one has seen Nutty's caption on PPrune. But we never ourselves fancied Winkle - always trying to get new types in his logbook."

B. “Yes, Ma’am, I’ve got that. Eight Gin, 24 extra-soft Andrex and some Paracetamol. I’ll get CDS to organise some soldiers immediately.”

"Prime Minister, in these times it's only right that the capable support the incapable. Can I get you any shopping?"

“Yes, Ma’am, we took on board your suggestion about off-licences being essential. I’m very happy you are pleased.”

No you hang up first 💖.....

On the line a interruption " This is the Palace operator will you accept a reverse charge call from the Prince Harry?
HMtQ. ...Now he wants to come back...

Will you accept a reverse charge call from Downing Street ? Said the operator

HMtQ said to Boris...... Oh I thought you had forgot about me, it's been 3 weeks since your last call, not that i'm counting

No don't cancell Ascot, I have 4 runners

Having been slated in the press that Boris was always dishevelled he dressed up extra smartly for his weekly visit to the Queen, unfortunately this was cancelled at the last moment so they spoke from adjacent rooms in the Palace

Why yes I am wearing sexy black underwear. Oops sorry wrong number. Don't hang up deerie special discount only 50p a minute.....for pensioners

B: In other news, TV channels are running repeats of “Fools and Horses” to fill the gaps. Have you seen any of them?”

Q: Every one, about 15 times since 1981. The repeat fees must have made David Jason a billionaire!”

I'm sorry Prim Minister, one assumed the Covid 19 crisis was over - Harry and Meghan have been back in the news.

Betty. ...Yes I know the hairdressers are not a essential occupation. What's your excuse?

Betty....No I have not seen any episodes of 'The Crown'

No Prime Minister we are not moving out to a 2 up 2 down semi in Lewisham so you can turm my home into NHS Green Park. Yes I know the Mall would suffice as a runway for C130's

Q: “Ah, Prime Minister, I was wondering if a travel ban could be implemented. Just for people from California. In case of Corona Virus importation, you understand.”