“It says ‘The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 10 characters.’ “

Its from the Director General, seems I am in the wrong show, I should be in one called 'Sooty and Sweep'.
Well you ain't shoving your hand up my ar$e

"Here's your starter for 10: Which village near Vienna is the site of the hunting lodge where the Habsburg crown prince Rudolf and his paramour Mary Vetsera committed suicide in mysterious circumstances in 1889?"

Ok last calls, scoring on the morrow

Dated in 1917. It says..."Call off the attack!"...were you supposed to deliver this?

Nutty's bar bill catches up with him again.

“Community Chest ... Go straight to Obscurity. Do not pass GO. Do not collect 200 MP’s votes.”

Why did you keep a School Certificate which shows you failed every subject, including Economics?

Its from Gillette. they want you to be the 'before' for their new advertising campaign

Its from the RAF Benelovent fund,
Oh they must be thanking me for donating that old broken watch
Yes they said it was the missing Harrisons chronometer and it sold at auction for £6.2million.however as gift to them they are unable to give you the usual 10% fee, sorry

Its from the BBC, as you no longer qualify for the free TV Licence, to save costs the show's been cancelled

"Prime Minister, if that is all you have left to spend on defence out of your estimates, then the only deal I can offer you is a dozen used Army blankets.
"I suppose I might just throw in a half bag of horse feed if I can nick it off Hercules.
"That would give your blanket stackers and bean counters something to do."

"Not much of a CV though, is it? However, in your favour, you certainly have the correct look for the job as Albert's stunt double".

Jeremy, this isn’t a White paper, or even a Green paper ... it’s Yellow. Does that say something?

"It's grandad's Will. It says he leaves everything to his grandson."

“A speeding ticket? For Hercules?”

Jeremy Its from the Tottenham Chairman, making his final offer for the yard so he can complete his £2bn ground improvement.

Jeremy its from the PPRuNe Moderators asking would you like to join them with your Diplomatic skills to resolve the members petty disputes?

Its the phone bill, what's this £50 for the premium rate phone line, Big Berthas R Us?
or
Its the water bill, what's this Metered Water Supply £0