A personal one I was on the receiving end of:

It's early in the morning on a cold wet winters day and I'm walking up the hill to SHQ. Coming the other way is a very senior officer who is not looking like a ray of sunshine.

At the appropriate distance I saluted and said "good morning sir" to which I received the reply "Just the salute airman, I don't want a bloody weather forecast..."

"F*ckin' Hell!"

"Yes, Bloggs, you probably will..."

Some bosses are like clouds: the minute they disappear, the day suddenly gets BRIGHTER!

...or the boss who claimed to have the "helicopter effect" i.e. the ability to hover over a problem and see the way through it. His staff referred to the "glider effect". Someone getting higher and higher by going round in circles over a lot of hot air.

The week's wider events have reminded me of one from the 80s:

"These people have all the attributes of a dog."









"Except loyalty.'

A certain Sqn Cdr was known as "Pigeon", as you practically had to throw stones at him to get him to fly.......

I have experienced the "seagull effect" boss: arrives, makes a great deal of noise, sh*ts all over everything, and flies away...

TWB

Tern Hill Toilet Wall:
"Its no good standing on the seat
the crabs in here can jump 6 feet
And if you think that's f8€King high
Go next door, those B@stards fly!

On a 6442:
"I've thought about this airman's positive properties and have concluded that he can ride a bicycle!"

On the Line:
"...not me Chief. I'm engines waiting for a Bowser."
And
"Focking Focker is Focking Focked!!"

twb3. I think in the case of the "seagull" boss, you actually have to throw stones at him to make him fly.

Harrier sqn graffiti: SEngO for Pope, he would be no good, but at least he would be in Rome.
Underneath: He could tell you the volume of a jam jar, but doesn't know how to get the lid off.

"Can't make decision to the point that he won't tell you the time without involving someone else"

twb3, you forgot to include "steals everything he can,".

Australian cricket captain to team who insulted British cricket captain, standing at his elbow.

"Right! Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard??!!!"

Not coming from the military world (I got a proper job after leaving school) don't bite. Worked with plenty who did, they used to come out with some strange and funny sayings.

Let's get of sticks and give it a blow, can we get the aircraft of jacks and take it out for an engine run.

Let's get some toys and make some noise, get some tools and go for an engine run.

Took me some time to work out what they were on about.

Australian cricketer Rod Marsh to Ian Botham. "Hows your wife and my kids" to which the reply was " The wife is fine but the kids are retarded"

Everyone who comes to this office brings us joy.
Some when they arrive - some when they leave!

Similar to trying to read your post then?.

Similar to a question to Shane Warne: "Warnie, why are you so 'kin fat?" Reply: "Every time I banged your mother, she gave me a biscuit!" Withering!

CG

There must be a word for a disfunctional memory [like mine] that remembers who, when and where a brilliant phrase first is registered. The same memory fails spectacularly where it matters, of course.

Examples:

so poor he doesn't have a pot to piss in [passenger, Brighton Station, c. 1956]

Scarce as rocking horse **** [Forecasters' Course c. 1960]

Built like a brick ****house [Air Trafficker, RAF Leeming, c. 1965]

Like **** off a shiny shovel [Corporal fireman, RAF Guetersloh, c. 1970]

Goodness me, langleybaston...
You can remember who and when - yet, after all this time, you've yet to work them out?
I think we should sit down and have a chat .. over a pint and, your shout, of course. :cool:

On the bog wall. "Where would you run in four minutes?"

Underneath some wag wrote. "The ladies of course!"

"It's like trying to teach a Teddy Bear to knit."

"It's like trying to plait fog."

More bog wall wisdom.

"My mother made me a homosexual."

To which some wag added underneath, "If I gave her the wool, would she make me one?"

"It's like trying to herd cats."

If Brains were dynamite he would not have enough to blow his nose.


Orderly Sgt comes into the JRM. "Ok who called the cook at cnut"
in the background under their breath. "who called the cnut a cook"


Years back in our office at the beginning of the politically correct era we were discussing homosexuality. According to a daily paper 1 in 10 were supposedly that way. There was 20 of us in the office. Jim chirps up. "Come on Eric when are you going to own up". Poor old Eric was the butt of all our jibes which we put down to banter. I am sure today we would all have got the sack. Eric was quite a large guy. One day we were doing a job in the hydraulic bay under the floor on the Nimrod. He got stuck. I put my foot on his head like the Monty Python theme. Oh shut the F up and get down there.


Apprentice looking for a bit of advice - "Eere Drag....." Jim again. "Hey its Mr Dragartist to you"


Several years later when I was working with the Army I was on first name terms with most of the soldiers who referred to me as "Drag" oddly enough their Junior officers would always address me as Sir or Mr Dragartist.

Or my daughter at an HR meeting,

He couldn't count over 10 even if he took his shoes and socks off.


*she is so PC now she would never say that today.

There's a nice Brummie saying to the effect that "I wouldn't p*ss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire".

Speaking of cats reminds me of a wonderful simile I heard from a CWO at Fort Rucker:

"As jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking-chairs!"

Dragartist you remind me:

At the beginning of a lecture the lecturer said that statistically one in ten people are gay. Now I have been told that the tone of my voice sends gay people to sleep.

Another one springs to mind from my time at JATE. We had a pilot who particularly liked a drink. I know we all do but this was really to excess. On one occasion the Army Capt trials officer who had been in the mess the previous evening refused to fly on the sortie the following morning.


The phrase was coined " You are not allowed to drink within 50 yds of the aircraft or smoke 8 hrs before flying".


There was hell to pay. But it was swept under the carpet.


Same Army Capt who was of Punjabi extract but from Bolton. We were in the bar one evening after dinner. King Housains crew used to stay over when the King was visiting UK for treatment. These guys were only about 5 ft nothing. how did their feet reach the pedals. One of these guys exchanged Arabic greetings with a waving of hands. Said Indian responded in a Lancashire accent "ehy up lad" or something similar.
The next evening we took them out to a pub we used in Shilton Dip. One of these guys asked "do you like Ladies?" I did not twig but he was inviting me to take my pick in his hariem back in the desert

From a former Boss at a Sqn beer call

"I've drunk enough beer to kill a civilian"

Thankfully, an RAF plod pulled him over at the back gate!

And said Boss is (by all accounts) tee-total and looking much healthier for it.

Busty as a three-legged dog in a pissing contest.

Don't force it get a bigger 'ammer


Reminds me of the time we fitted BOZ on the Nimrod watching an armourer fit the pylon pins. Nothing like Guy Martin and his Spitfire wing pins that expanded a tenth of a thou when held in his hand. These were driven in and being bruised to hell. no jiggling (a technical term) just brute force! they must have got them out sometime later.


When I nod my head you hit it!

there are three kinds of people in this world......those that can count..........and those that can't!

...and there only 10 kinds of people, those that understand binary numbers, and those that don't.

Back in the 80s in our design office at Wyton we had a couple of Ex Avro chaps from Woodford. one had worked on the Anson amongst other things. He was scruffy git. We would occasionally go to the mess for lunch. On the menu would be "Soup of the day - Cream of Reg's tie".


Not sure if it is an age thing but life was more fun in those days. You took it and dished it out. We had the section sacrificial pillock. In the main we all got on and made some good friends.

"I think it's broken, Chief"
"Well, gie it a float test then"
"???"
Demonstrates.
"!!!"
" Ah reckon eet were fooked lad"

If you can't fix it with a hammer it's electrical.