"Well young man ... Her Majesty might need to spend more on your training to become a pilot than she can really afford" :(

"Young man, you would be lucky to find the Aircraft let alone fly it"

Said to me by the Med Branch Officer, as he crushed my dreams of flying.

Still made me laugh.

W*nking makes you blind

Stuck on the ceiling of the dental section at RAF Odiham in the 70's where they used to gas you.

"Well I have a degree in geography"

The argument put forward by an officer on the sighting of an OP out in the field, (we had to move it after he left.)

"Watch this."

...heard shortly before a number of aeronautical accidents.

Clear left, oh, right one!

"Moley, you've got eyes like a ****house rat...."

Recounted this some years later, to be met with the reply:

"Better than having eyes like a ratarsed ****...!"

Sir, If I call you a tw*t will I be in trouble?


Yes!


Sir, If I 'think' it, will I be in trouble?


Well, I guess not!


In that case Sir, I think you are a tw*t!

The general consensus in the leadership community was that he would suffer performance shortfalls which would even inhibit an attempt to facilitate alcoholic beverage actualisation even at venues at the products would normally be manufactured.

PDR

"That was a great speech, Mr President - every thinking american will vote for you!"

"Nowhere near enough - I need a majority..."

God said “div D = ρ, div B = 0, curl E = - ðB/ðt, curl H = J + ðD/ðt,”

And there was light...

PDR

A diplomat is a man who can persuade his wife she would look fat in a mink coat

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

You cannot reason a person out of a position he did not reason himself into in the first place (for the Truthers out there...)

"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world."
(Mary Shafer, Flight Dynamics, NASA Dryden)

“A thing of beauty is a job forever”
(Unofficial motto of all Cosmetic Surgeons).

PDR

A philosopher is defined as a blind man in an unlit cellar at midnight searching for a black cat that isn’t there.

A theologian is identical in all respects save that he believes he has found the cat.

A lawyer, naturally, would smuggle the cat under his coat in order to brandish it theatrically when it best serves his purpose.

A scientist would accept the non-existence of the cat but be at pains to point out that its non-existence could only ever be assumed; never proven.

An engineer would briefly search for a cat and then employ his time more productively by constructing a superior cat replacement from the materials available in the cellar.

A soldier would shoot the cat to protect the liberty of the mouse, unless he was American in which case he would conduct a shock and awe campaign to win the heart and mind of the cat and (in the process) accidentally shoot the mouse.

PDR

Student pilot course report:

"Pressing the engine start button precipitates a series of events over which Bloggs has little control".

Virtually everything in "What goes up must come down" by David Gunson. It's on YouTube, very funny after-dinner speech by an ATC.

CV I once read

Hobbies: Mandatory Gardening

In a training report : "I was never sure if he suffered from narcolepsy"

"I see no reason why men should follow this officer; except perhaps out of idle curiosity"

From a flying report, "I was impressed by this mans averageness".

The many put downs for the newbie.....

"When I joined, Centurion was rank, not a tank".
"I was in Baghdad when you were in you dads bag".
"Pontius was going through aircrew selection".
"We didn't have numbers, we all knew each other".
"Where are you from? What's your mothers name? Just working out where I was posted 18 years ago!".
"How many hours? No, not your night hours, your total.......oh, sorry that was your total".

A lot of similes here!

2 of my favourites, not covered yet..

As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking contest

as sharp as a marble

Some of the faves from Annual Reports...

Leadership - "People follow him out of curiosity"
Personal qualities - "This man goes through life pushing on Pull doors"

Co-pilot: I don't understand why everyone calls me Wedge...
Nav: It's the simplest tool known to man ..

My boss in 1985, an RN Commander, on the phone to a hapless Lt. "Stand to attention, I'm about to give you a career brief on your brief career".

He paid attention and made Admiral.

Some other annual report classics:

I would hesitate to breed from this officer.

Flt LT XXX uses her Majesty's aircraft to transport his genitals from one sexual liaison to the next.

His career in the Royal Air Force is depriving a village of it's idiot.

And..
He would be out of his depth sitting in a car parked in a puddle.

Yet another assessment was "I have seen this officer sober".

on the newbie put-downs:

When he joined there wasn't a Channel Patrol: we were still joined to the continent
When he joined, the RAF was painted blue, not wearing it

and of course:

The Navy has traditions, the RAF just have bad habits.

C******o - he couldn't find his arse with both hands anda map.

Said by my boss at the time about one of my juniors.

An old Flight Engineer's saying "Never mind the Hun in the sun, it's the c**t in the front that'll kill you."

Pilot to navigator in crew room - "What's the definition of gross stupidity?"
Nav - "Don't know."
Pilot - "144 navigators."
Nav - "Why 144?"

We don't have Wheels on our Squadron, we have Castors; one push to get them moving and they all go in different directions......

If I wanted your opinion I'd give you a crayon.

What's the difference between a flight engineer and a stagecoach driver?

The flight engineer only has to sit behind two horse's arses.

There is only one person on this unit that drinks more than this officer...his wife!

If this man had a brain he would be dangerous!

If this man had another brain it would be lonely!

Thrombo...a slow moving clot

3P

The definition of an alcoholic is someone who drinks more than his doctor.

Genuine - and I guess one-off - "newbie putdown" I heard in SOAF from an old-and-bold ex-RCAF, ex-RAF and then SOAF guy:

"I've been in more Air Forces than you've been on Squadrons!"

An another one really from a 1369 (not sure about some of the well-known if apochryphal ones earlier):

"This officer will never set the World on fire, but will be the first to help you put it out when someone else does!"

If you want a rigger for a neighbour, vote labour.

How can anyone be so stupid with only one head

I was in the RAF when the Dead Sea was reporting sick

As much use as a handbrake on a canoe

Comment by a Rhodesian chopper pilot in SOAF after his conversion flight in a Bell 212.

" Christ, it goes up like a fart in a bath!".

He's as thick as a whale omelette.

Things you don't want to hear during a prostate examination.

"Look mum, no hands."