"Harder than a woodpeckers lips".
"This is warfare, not welfare".

"Sir, I'd follow you anywhere ... except into a bar!"

You can teach a monkey to ride a bike..........

My dad (ex RAF ADO 57-61) used to have many lively debates with my chums grandfather (ex RA RSM WWII and beyond) about the current state of the armed forces.


After one very lively debate over a beer or two one Christmas, he came out with the rather withering.....


'Listen Chris, I was in when they were needing them, not when they were feeding them.'

The only time he's on track is when he's crossing it.

KLM 747 captain on being told by approach controller. . . "you are left now of the centreline." "yes . . that is so .. and my first officer is to the right of it."

when a player on Fred Truman's team had missed a low ball that went straight through his legs to the boundary, he said to Fred when walking off for lunch -
"Sorry Fred . . should have kept legs together.." "No James .. . tha' mother should have."

or when Herbert Sutcliffe at the crease in a county game received a fast ball right in the crutch enough for him to drop his bat and rub the affected parts in a crouch .. . spectator from boundary calls. . . "Stop pleasurin' tha' self Herbert . .. play cricket!"

"You know I told you could go and get ******?"
"Yes" (indignantly)
"Well you don't have to." (the boss had intervened and told the first speaker to find the man he'd cursed and apologise)

Overheard at heated union meeting "Point of order . .. With all due respect Mister Chairman . . you're full of ****."

Heard at air force induction base at Sydney (Bradfield Park) during the war.
a comment about a new recruit wearing on parade his loud civilian sports jacket
"See Dalzeil there . . . he's forgotten to take the hanger out before he put his jacket on." (Read Keith Dunstan's 'No Brains At All' for much more in that vein.)

Dame Nelly Melba - "Sing 'em muck."

Peter O'Toole recalling what working with Guinness was like on 'Lawrence ..'he'd come sloping into the tent of a morning to start work with a face like a plate of condemned veal."

and a last one that Roger Bacon made almost a catch-cry in various captions in Straight and Level pages
"If you don't round out now Hoskins . . variable geometry won't help you."

More a quote than a saying, but ...

My OH's Squadron Flight Sergeant at Cranwell conducting room inspection:

"What's this, Mr Bloggs?"
"Ummm - a cobweb, Flight Sergeant."
"A COBWEB?!! Cobwebs mean spiders, and spiders mean pets, and <steadily increasing volume>... PETS ARE NOT ALLOWED ... GET RID OF IT ... NOW!!'

Derek His***e was a lovely (and witty) man - the Cadets on the Sqn adored him :)

concerning Bombadier Milligan at Bex Hill - his priceless stories of his first days in the army. I got off the train at Bex Hill. It wasn't easy. The train didn't stop there.
The stammering old officer who said Why are you late and why are you wearing civilian clothes? They wouldn't let me on the train naked sir. (Pity . . cannot find a transcript of those accounts)

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
****
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
****
Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen
****
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
****
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
****
I told you I was ill.
(What he wanted for his epitaph!)
****
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
****
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
****
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
****
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
****
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
****
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.”
****
I thought I'd begin by reading a sonnet by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
****
Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently.
****
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
****
Money can't buy friends but it can get you a better class of enemy.
****
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
****

Did Bombasier Milligan have pet spiders?

February 1957,RAF Bridgenorth,National Service.Rifle drill not going too well.Corporal DI "if you lot don't get right I'll back-flight you so far you'll all be using bows and arrows.

"I would not breed from this Officer"

Alternatively "Geld or Destroy"

Infantry WO II to Officer Cadet Dewhirst: "Officer Cadet, how do you pronounce your name?"
Dewhirst: "Dewhirst, Sergeant Major."
WO II: "Well, Dewhirst, I pronounce it De Whirst. De Whirst effing soldier in de whole effing army."

If you're reading this, Mike, I was right up there with you for that title.

MAKES YOU think of the sergeant major played by winston?? in it aiin't half hot mum

love the Dewhirst one .. . in that book of Keith Dunstan's NO BRAINS AT ALL at that
Bradfield Park AD4 in Sydney .. . Dunstan tells the story of his mate James Dalziel
who was bawled out for not answering at role because as he said standing his ground
to the SM ' My name is pronounced 'DEAL' that has how it has been for centuries and sir . .
I shall not be changing that now for love or money." He was then placed on a charge.

In Gaelic, of course!

http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/97478712.jpg

this man has the charisma of a cucumber!

... bangs like a belt fed mortar....

insult made to a sensitive and follicly challenged colleague overheard in a fire station mess room ..........'ere, so and so, you want a refund for that wig 'cos there's a big effing hole in it!

When being briefed on a Wessex I was told " it's like flying a council house from the upstairs toilet..."
Still got in it as I was infantry back then....a second class ride ALWAYS beats a first class walk!

Hey, can I log this as tailwheel conversion?

It's a brave man who farts in Africa.

'flying officer x fails to meet even his own low standards'


Perversely, Fg Off x Went on to reach a significantly higher rank than the elderly flt lt who wrote this :)

Many a Chief has said this about many an officer

I would follow that officer anywhere, just to see what f*ck up he makes next.

From National Service (related to me by one who was there)

Corporal to those tardy on parade :-

"Them what's keen gets fell in previous"

VD lecture - squaddie pipes up that employing a prophylactic during coitus would prevent the aquisition of an unfortunate infection.
Lecturer - "Pox can get through Wellington boots laddie"

Routine orders
 

As well as the great many funny or unfunny remarks made within groups there was a competition at one point to make routine orders slightly more interesting

Officers summer trousers
All officers will be issued with one pair of lightweight summer trousers
These will be made from the same material as WRAF skirts
This will cause a temporary shortage of lightweight serge material
WRAF skirts will be held up until officers without trousers are satisfied

It has come to notice that there are more permanent erection (sheds) in married quarters gardens than are needed.
All ranks are reminded that permanent erections in married quarters are not allowed

During the current epidemic of stomach infections only water passed by the medical officer is to be consumed

Whats that area called between the c**t and the ars*o*e?

The centre console.

As overheard in passing between and antipodean avionics engineer and an easyjet crew.

For the elderly:

Never trust a fart
never waste an erection
never walk past a khazi without peeing

Oh! and RAF Finningley in the good old days had a phone number for Officer i/c Temporary Erections [B o B Day].

LB, repetition

say again all after "good afternoon" please?

You mistake me for someone who gives a f*ck.

I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

During exercise periods on rotary we had a piece of advice for all new crews ' never pass a porcelain ' sure beat an elsan in the woods.

One I use to people who irritate me at work is:

"Come again when you have less time"

Sadly, most of the morons here think it's a compliment!

"Can everyone hear me at the back?" ... "Yes, but I'm perfectly willing to swop!"




I say I say, what's the difference between ****** and a photo of ******? ... only the photo is fully developed!

On a bog wall at Old Sarum.

No use standing on the seat madam, the crabs round can jump ten feet madam.

You won't find any crabs jumping here madam. They're all in the front seats madam.

On the old VD posters that posed the question "Is 5 minutes of pleasure worth a lifetime of pain?" someone would always write "How do you make it last 5 minutes?"

Oh! well, if its the old lavatory wall:

I say I say I say!

I used to think Fellatio was a character in Hamlet ...............

Don't throw dog-ends in the urinal, it makes them soggy and difficult to light.

Is Cunnilingus the Irish Airline?

Oh, dear...
A man's ambition must be small
to write upon a sh1thouse wall.

To elevate the tone of this thread a little - a couple of workplace ones...

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh1t.
How about never? .. Is never a good time for you?
and...
Yes, I am an agent of Satan - but my duties are largely ceremonial.

Without this man, the Mess Bar would run at a loss.

"You are not totally useless..........even you have some use as a bad example"

and

"Come to my office now and bring your successor with you"