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SHFNI Stories!
Has enough time passed to start telling a few tales?
"Heli-granny" The "ski-jump" Bessbrook XMG Dunganoon ("I'm hit, I'm hit"!) "Gibbo" "JD" The "1 metre range"! I dunno, YOU decide! lsh :E |
After the bad press that has hit the Puma Force recently, I would suggest that a lot of things need another 10 years under the 'Unofficial Secrets Act'. I am sure that with careful thought you could come up with some acceptable stories. What about confession is good for the soul?? What SHFNI stories would you like to get off your chest that wouldn't make the front page of the Sun........... You know, its highly unusual, I found the only green telephone box in NI ;)
The story of Dan Dan the harrier man in XMG might be acceptable. Dunhovrin, you got the details? PS. Where's the Puma gone? might be dodgy!! Or 'start spreading the news' ditto...........:= |
I found the only green telephone box in NI CG |
Orange Whip!!!
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(Once upon a time at R850 in the middle of the night).
Ding Dong 1 - "Aren't (name removed to spare blushes) helicopters normally a bit taller when they land on for fuel?":eek: Ding Dong 2 - "Usually they are. I wonder if they want their aerials back?" (A few years later.....) Ding Dong 1- "Do the NSPs for the gimpy include a bit that says fire off the first three rounds into TSWs fuel tanks?" Ding Dong 2 - "I don't think so but as thats the senior man on the fleet I guess he'd be the one to know....." (Not too far from G40) Ding Dong 1 - "Of all the places to run out of fuel, are they supposed to land here?" Ding Dong 2 - "Don't ask questions, just get that pump and hoses off the other cab so we can foxtrot oscar before anyone knows we're all here...." TSW, not a glamorous role by any measure but it does often allow you to see the winged master race at their best and sometimes more amusingly, at their worst.:ok: |
We could start with some really "wimpish" ones and take ten years to tell all?!
How about: Wessex at Bessbrook Pilot: Tap-tap-taps on torque gauge glass, trying to get it to read. Crewman says "if you hit it that hard Sir, you will break it"! Pilot: "I know exactly what I am doing crewman, thank-you" Tap-tap-tinkle "oh f**ck"! Bessbrook chair trick You need: 5 comfy armchairs 6 bored crew (not difficult!) a telephone poor weather (even less difficult!) The game starts with everyone having a seat except you, bladders-busting or not they all stay put! Go to end room, phone Aldergrove, speak to mate / Ops / OC 72 etc. They phone Buzzard (Army Ops) asking for one of the guys who is sat down. On reaching the phone he is told "message from ....., he is in your seat"!! So now the phone rings again "OC 72 for Flt Lt ......" "Yeah-right pi** off, you arent getting my seat" "No, no its really is OC 72"!!?? And so on, endless fun. You see, I think we could tell a few careful ones, not like the time......... lsh:E |
Charlie's amazing bunt...looses 200 rds of gimpy ammo from 2000ft...thanks to Phil C's equally amazing eyesight they got nearly all of them back...
JS's amazing death dive and subsequent very firm arrival...one now an A1 QHI, the other an ex-TP. Spoons mistaking Dundalk for Newry...I took the fuel into Forkhill when they really did run out!! The racetrack down in the greens...nearly pranged there!! Niven's Hairy nose....'reference the hair on the nose..no, no I meant the barn on the hair...oh sh!t' I banged the winch hook off at Dunganoooon fiddling with switches during a RRF..Cookie nearly shat himself... Testing my new mess cannon on the pan at Y453 on Xmas day...wondering why the mortar alarm went off.... TCG puking down my neck whilst I drove the pissed sods from mess to mess after the puma/gazelle conflagration.. 'That's not a wingover..let me show you one...' Scotty Weir tests my mettle on a Cat ride...was it because the seat raked back or did we exceed 90 nose up??? Mules having to extricate Wibbly-wobbly W*bber's tongue from his airway as he choked during a RRF...what if he hadn't, hmmmmm??? Being wrapped in kimwipe, and set alight in the bar.... Watching McSweat's/Niven's faces go pale as I presented the new OC230 a can of KiteKat at their inaugural dinner having just moved to V813...give 'em their due, they did eat some of it teeeheee:E |
Or the fable about the investigation into missing mail from the 230 crewroom that saw hidden CCTV capture McSweats daughter being put to the sword by a young thruster :D:D:D
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Which was found to be untrue (the camera that is...Doenitz D**m*n was 'banged' to rights on the rest!!!:}:E:D:D:D
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Met the lady in question on numerous occasions socially in their house, at ours and at other functions and she was as lovely as a lovely thing and a real player :ok:
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TTB in a triwall.
'It's alright Pete she's fit solo' '3-2's a maximum not a minimum sir' All the boys named Phil JH's arrival interview The Banana House; or at least you think it is while playing the piano and emptying the fridge before the apparition CD descends to ask wtf! AR and GS's first arrival into Aldergrove with top cover escort Pink milk for breakfast all winter Seeing GS's ugly mug outside the cockpit window Taking the RUC Front Row for an early morning snatch. 'Ave you seen my maestro; it's faster than a ferrari diablooooooooo and you get an ironing board in sideways' Throwing yourself out he bar window and breaking your collar bone Cold wet night at the pit, push through the scuffers to double tap the pit Discussing the merits of the young ladette while she is still on the long lead Meet crew at the pit and then walk off leaving car running outside the armoury the day after changing the plates without doing the paperwork. Priceless Happy days |
Met the lady in question on numerous occasions socially in their house, at ours and at other functions and she was as lovely as a lovely thing and a real player |
Ah vehicles!
"The brown turd" Allegro shared-car: 1.Wheelnuts! 2.Clinging to roof! The Cortina, carefully purchased by "Gibbo" & Tim at the auction. Carefully crashed by Tim on the bosses lawn - the Boss handed the headlamp back 18 months later at Tim's going away do! Smuggled past the guards, post accident. Three weeks to do the one-week driving course!! Then of course the potential purchaser of the Alfa being given a "demo" down the back straight, got "bitten" by a lorry when overtaking - door hanging off: "No I think I'll leave it thanks Dave"! And the best advert I have ever seen: "The Flying Frog, basically fu*k*d, offers" Happy Days! lsh :E |
The Swift Retreat
Ally Pally and the Rugby Club on a Friday 'The Street' Dinghy Drills in Loch Neagh DECCA let-downs SQUAMing The digging of the Officer's Mess Swimming Pool Emptying the 813 cabs entonox after a heavy night on the lash.. Happy Days:ok: |
The "H" style design of the Sgts Mess accom meant that the upstairs occupant one side could see through the downstairs windows on the far side.
At Sunday lunch, to a full table (!!): MACR Ron to Sgt X ".... when I opened the curtains this morning I saw a ghastly sight, you were kneeling on the bed having a w*nk", most men m*sturb*te but, in future, please have the courtesy to close your curtains beforehand" !!!!!!! Amazing, but true, coz I was sat at that table and no, it wasnt me ....honest! (Count the dots) lsh:E PS I will give the "Brown Turd" guys a week to own up, of the 3 I remember being involved two made Gp Capt and one made OC 230!! (Cheques, cash or postal orders, no credit cards please!) |
Nobody has mentioned Rosie and Red 851 yet!
Its not what you do right that people remember but what you do wrong. George Blackie knew that and that is why everybody remembers him. RIP |
"Borrow" bicycles
Pedal across to the civvy terminal and get "trophy" BA hats. Return by cycling across runway, BA shuttle overshoots. We got to nitesun the perimeter as a result, looking for "intruders"! lsh :E |
Come on guys, it was SHNFI!!:ok:
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You're all talking RECENT times.
In the early 70s, it was normal practice for one or other of the "locals" in Aldergove to put on a barrel on a Friday evening. That was the only time we serving folk saw the civvies of the MU, who would have a couple of pints and then scarper. On this particular Friday, there was dense fog, and the civvies left early to get home, leaving 72's Det to consume the barrel. There weren't many of us in those days, but it didn't take long. When the barrel ran dry, the problem was - who would buy the next round? Two Fg Offs decided that one of them would set the ball rolling, and they would race each other to decide. The race was to be starkers in the bar, and the loser would buy. The Boss said "Go" and the race was on. The race was run and the next round was bought. Both contestants had their drinks as they stood, ie starkers. Gradually, some of their dressed friends slowly moved in on the "winner", picked him up and deposited him in the Ladies Room, where one of our number was entertaining a local lady (subsequently his wife). The naked FO ended up sprawling on the floor, on his back, in front of the pair. He got to his feet, stood to attention and said "I'm terribly sorry", and returned to the bar. He was ex-Cranwell, Flight Cadet, of course. |
The Great Moselly breaking his leg, falling from the top of a human pyramid whilst trying to put his arse print on the ceiling of the bar.
One of the boys who kept borrowing things out of our rooms in the mess and never returning them, was in the bar and said "I will be back in an hour, I am just picking my girlfriend up from the airport side". In the next hour, a load of us completely emptied his room of every item including furniture, and replaced it with the contents of the laundry room from the floor below. He came back and waked into his room to see several washing machines and tumble driers (drying clothes of course). After three 'takes' he sat down on the floor with his hands in his head. No romantic night for him. Trouble was we couldnt remember where we hid everything so it took him about 6 weeks to get all his stuff back:} eeeeee those were the days. |
Wasnt that a song:
"Those were the days my friend........." lsh :E |
Roger, have little wish to picture a half naked Moselly trying to plant his print on something, but I will forever remember the identical pair of prints on the new dining room rafters!
And being 'welcomed' to the mess by Jerome the Dome: "Ah, FNGs, up on the bar stools you go, get this down your neck, its called a Starfish, you'll love it". Then up into the rafters and being timed to RCC. And no-one mention 230's bronze tiger..... |
Slightly off-topic but did you ever see the end of course pictures at the ATC school, Shawbury??
Front side of one had photos, cartoons etc, on wall for years, Royal visit inc. Back side had a starkers female body print, detail down to the very last rivet, surrounded by many "meat & two veg" round the outside!!!!! Mossely nude? A truly awful thought! Might affect hydraulic pressure?! Then again Steve S (Nav) was getting undressed in the barn and Shy Torque says: "I dont know what you have on Steve, but it needs ironing"!!!! lsh :E |
I remember diverting to Armagh just to have a cheeky letch at the TSW girls new breast implants! And she wore a tight t-shirt in all weathers just so she didn't disappoint!:p
I think at one point JHFNI stop refuels there for non tasking aircraft. |
The Army or TSW tuning the Sky Box to MTV then taking the batteries out of both Sky and the TV remote controls any time AJ was due in, feckin priceless to watch :D:D:D
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I remember diverting to Armagh just to have a cheeky letch at the TSW girls new breast implants! And she wore a tight t-shirt in all weathers just so she didn't disappoint! Some remarked that she was a bit BOBFOC though. |
The massive girl on Grovesnor Ops, Sharon who was bloody good fun but had a mouth like a sewer. She calls me when I walked in and said 'Hey Sir that fuggan daddys young subaltern wee Pilot has just been in asking for you saying where is Flt Lt Sofarover (name badge read Roger Sofarover, rest of the crew with similar name badges etc), we have a hearty laugh. I go up to the TV room and the AAC major is sat there, I tell him about what the young subaltern has just asked and laugh a little, and the Major looks at me seriously and says in the style of Cholmendly Warner, "I imagine he was being polite, how do you pronounce it exactly". Silence, interuppted by giggles from the Crewmen.
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Sharon! There was a woman (or was it two women?). :\
We once agreed to help her to organise some task changes and she said to the young pilot (AG) I was flying with: "Sir, I love yer ter bits and I want all yer babees!" I think I saw him turn a bit pale and gulp at the thought. We often reminded him of his unfinished duties.... :E |
Sharon was great, she could organise the programme well. Always going on about the 'stamp-licking' WRACs in the block...did Jerome the Dome nail her in the end?
Talking of Jerome - he must have had shares in the stores mattress supplies 'cos most friday nights turned into Operation Grandslam... AJ bating was priceless....bin on the sky dish 'til he fecked off... VERTREPing the Navy in Carlingford (?) Loch Out-lifting and out-running the plastic pigs in a Mk4... Watching the RAFP get smashed at Mess Rugby...normally at the handds of Weir SHFNI dinner nights and all the associated shenannigans Xmas Day, Strobey and I wake the mess up..only to see Stu B, almost fall out of his window - naked...not a nice sight early in the morning!! |
We used to have a duplicate control for sky when we watched it with AJ. I kept it in my navbag. Would sit with it down the side of the chair and keep flicking channels when he had found one he wanted to watch. Watching him go through the roof was funnier than any comedy show on TV.
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Dunganoon had a large female ops person called Sharon (?) that we called "FATWAD",
FAT Woman At Dunganon. But she was so totally inefficient that we cannot possibly be talking about the same person?! "If in doubt say Roger-Out" was her motto! Now, a real star was the lovely Lynne, on our 72 Ops desk, remember her swear box? lsh |
Fat Sharon was at Omagh in PuF(NI) days. I dont think that she ever attended the 'Ranks of the services' lessons in recruit training. However she could do her job as Buzzard very well, and that is all that seemed to matter.
For me: Heli-Lilly as a USL from EGAA direct to hook. 'Big mistake' crew discuss options: 1) Return to EGAA and attach strop whilst looking like a dick. ..or 2) continue to Dunganon at no more then 40kts. It was a pleasant day for sightseeing :E Nobby & 'Roger' having a fight in the cockpit because Roger was quoting the line from the conduct after capture video: Argh Sheila; I think I will F*** her myself. Nobbies GF was Sheila and he had never seen the vid, so had no idea. Watching the end of a video at BBK and the middle a few days later and the beginning whenever. Steak & Kidney pie inflights, from TSW. :D 'JTMS is the Son of Satan' as a PC screensaver when he has no idea how to change it. Activating auto spell check ammendments when PC left online. Watching a Haflinger USL fall to bits en-route. Nobby (again) departs normal locstat to look down the hole whereupon he gets vertigo! Misses out on watching the 5 steel poles hidden in the canvas role up (& now undone) making like javelins earthbound. A military reg plate survived 40+ miles spinning around the sole remaining rivet. Post Ballygawley bomb, & lots of family transits. Gap between very early start and final sortie spent in 72 Crewroom. The Petshop Boys seemed to be breaking through on the HF, I'm sure thats were it came from ! T_M starts to bait Nobby (again) and whilst reading several day(s)-old papers over a brew starts to state random comments along the lines of: "I dont know, the Petshop Boys" a few mins later "Next thing he'll do is buy a VW Golf GTI" -"- "A red one" -"- "And then he'll park it outside a hairdressers shop" -"- "and change his name by deedpoll" all of which (over about an hour) got no response at all, and by now the 72 guys are arriving for morning brief, and OC 72 is walking down the corridor "TO NIGEL!" Nobby arises from his seat, picks T_M up by the ankles, and starts to literally kick his head in. OC 72 puts his head in, and removes it quickly without seeing a thing. Telling Lance I had just seen a babe PSNI chick on camp only to hear that she was his wife :oh: |
The "Ballygawley roundabout beacon".
A P3 navigator, new to NI, was forever confused when asked to dial it up (on a totally spurious frequency, of course, as it didn't actually exist). Oh, how frustrating for him as he could never get the needle to lock on. We used many varied excuses (Oh, sorry, I forgot, it's NOTAMed u/s today, Tom. We're probably flying just a bit too low to get it this time, Tom. It's a bit of a dead area, here, Tom. Never mind. Try again on the way back, Tom). Obviously, when one of the two winged master race dialled it up, it always worked immediately and the needle swung straight to it as we passed by, no matter what. By setting the box to "test", of course. :E I left the province wondering if he ever realised it was a total setup, for his personal benefit. Talking of spoofs, what about the impossible to find co-pilot, "Albert Thirlkettle"? |
The Rock Officer who was supposedly the most highly trained bloke at Aldergrove, demonstrating single handed cocking of a 9mm and shooting himself in the foot!
"Thrapper" Curtis D*** Th***son (crewman) going to collect free range eggs at one of the Golf towers, returning with a tray full (planted by the troops) and the mortar alarm going off forcing him to take cover and dive on them. Another crewman, name escapes me, being sent out to get the Sunday paper from the market square at XMG (got a far as the gate before being told to stop being so F***ing stupid). Sgts Mess Street parties! awesome! When we first started fitting GPMG back on the Wessex in the 80's and Paddy W***h scoffed at us being useless and laid down the challenge that if we could hit his hat, he would buy us a crate of beer. H***y W*****e (dad of Ricky) and myself went to recover the targets andsure enough we had not hit the hat. A pencil makes a great 7.62 lookalike hole! Riding P**l B******hams monkey bike up and down the officers mess after a dining in night and leaving a long black burn mark in the new carpet. |
Reminds me of the time we were discussing GPMG training and how Laurie H used to put his hat on the range "lasted 13 courses and nobody has ever hit it"!
(Boy, I tried, oh how I tried with PW's when I came through the OCU, but no joy!) "We sorted that" "How" "Oh we just came to the hover 50m away and gave it max, caught fire too"!!! lsh :E |
Filling a Puma cabin with Xmas trees and heading for EGAA only to be tasked en-route to pick up a 12+12.......
Not one but TWO crewmen falling out of doors because the handle was removed for GPMG fit, Landing in a field near Warrenpoint, sent crewman out to Ice Cream Van in car park. '3 99s please!' said he. F**K Off!! said the vendor, Waddo versus the radome :eek: Newtownhamilton, 'Steve, will you stop slamming the door!!' It was a mortar, and the tail was on fire A scottish pilot, now in a very senior position, a bullseye on the one metre range, Firing Dickies mess cannon (Gerald) at point blank range towards the staish. Ordered jayteeto to go home immediately (at my own leaving do!!). His wife was at my house with the other girls and when I told the story she said 'sorry, he is such a tosser sometimes' :ok: |
Playing cricket with Nobby at 1am with a tennis racket and the contents of the Officers Mess fruitbowl in the porta cabins at the back.
Andy Cooper playing guitar in the mess most nights, and we all singing till almost hoarse. Playing pissy fishermen with steve S and always losing and his drinks were gin and warm water:yuk::yuk: Chris To**e calling Aldergrove approach telling them he would be in the hover for 30 mins at 11000ft and OC230 hearing the call. We had hypoxia lectures for the next week and it gave rise to the song 'Ground Control to Major To*ne":D Watching Dobbo after his 'shooting down' being interviewed on the news wearing his helmet with dark visor down:} The boys playing ride of the valkerie' over the net when we had a 12 ship going in to get Slab and all his mates. Croquet on the garden outside the mess on a summers day with a bucket of Pimms. Wanting a time machine to go back and do it all again please! |
The letter from the Forestry Commission, enclosing a photo of a crewman with the fire-axe chopping down a christmas tree, saying " ask next time and you can have one for free"!
Brian G collecting his salvage money from the Antrim Princess, in cash, and waving it (the cash) round the crewroom! Mike B (recent Commandant RAFC Cranwell!!) telling a joke but burning his toast. Told joke again, burnt second lot of toast. Ordered Sgt crewman to make toast while he told the joke (worth hearing). Command potential "9". lsh:E |
ish
you are getting old mate. That 'recent' was about 7-8 years ago:} |
Yeah, as I said, "recent"!!!!!
lsh:) |
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