Finger Trouble
 

Back in the early 80s a Brit exchange pilot transitting to Tasmania from the mainland and leading a formation of helicopters calls and provides inbound information to Launceston Tower. A response was received from a female ATCO with one of those voices that becomes the subject of many pleasant fantasies.

Thinking he had switched to the internal formation frequency, said something along the lines of:

"2 this is 1, she sounds absolutely delightful."

This was immediately followed by said female voice saying:

"Why thank you Army 123, that is the best compliment I have had all day."

Rare Autumn sunny day at Topcliffe - QFI in ops room to stude hanging around looking bored -

QFI: "Have you got any solos to do, Bloggs?"

Stude: "Yes Sir, but I can't fly" (unfit with a cold)

QFI: "Don't worry son, we'll teach you!"

--------------------------------------------------

An old chestnut, but worth a mention..........

UTDxyz: "LON Ctl, United xyz FL320"

LON: "United xyz, descend 5000ft, QNH1012"

UTDxyz (obviously can't be @rsed with the conversion...) "Roger,.....can we have that in inches?"

LON: "Standby........."

Pause...........

LON: "United xyz, descend 60,000 inches, QNH1012"

Details are probably all wrong, but a classic nonetheless!

Switch Pigs
 

4 ship of Puma's on a transit to/from an AMF det. Coasting into Denmark I think ? Very nice sounding female ATC. One of the Navs thinks he's on the formation FM chat..........."I love the smell of pussy in the morning". No reply from ATC but one heap of **** from the rest of the formation.

In the mid 80s, flying a Dominie out of Finningley. Me as pilot, 2 Nav Instructors and 2 Nav students. For take off, one Nav instructor sits in F/Os seat, remainder of crew down back and all internal comms on intercom.

Departing Finningley and talking to Radar prior to handover to Midland radar and the female radar controller who has just been posted in sounds absolutely stunning.

Me on intercom to rest of crew " Cor she sounds all right I could really f"2$ the a$5# off her."

Stunned silence inside the Dominie before nav instructor down the back comes on intercom and says (quite truthfully)

"Yes, I frequently do. Thats my wife you are talking to!"

Nige and Rita, Where are you now?

How we laughed at the QFIs' superlative banter at Topcliffe/Leeming - and then had the boot firmly on the other foot when QFI and stude had to flight-test the safety equipment after a spell inverted in their 'dog in a huge cu-nimb. Stude landed safely in Farmer Giles's soft and luscious cow pasture, while QFI landed in FG's soft and pungent slurry pit.

BANANASBANANAS - that's as good as the comment made by a certain now very senior navigator who often posts here...

"Neatishead, Neatishead, this is NNNNNN Charlie 44 zero 4 Tiger Fast plus 60" quoth the Nav.

"Roger NNNNNN, climb blah, vector blah" from yummy-sounding FC-babe.

"Roger, Neat, climbing blah and vector blah"

Pompous pilot in front seat, "Now look, **, shouldn't you authenticate her?"

Quick as a flash from the back: "Authenticate her? Don't need to - I've $hagged her!"

:E

BEags - I find elements of your story highly unlikley - two points - Yummy FC? Well perhaps.......:hmm:but an F-4 Tiger-Fast for 60?? Not a hope in hell;)

Point 1 - Well, some sounded yummy and one or two certainly were!

Point 2 - You're probably right! Whereas a Frightening was probably only ever Tigerfast plus 60 seconds straight off the tanker!

Sounds familiar ...
 

I am enjoying this topic very much. Does anyone think it is a great companion to "I wish I hadn't said that ..."?

Great site for amusement and banter. Herrumph.

PS: Why is there only one Monopolies and Mergers Commission?

Maple and Beagle

F4 Tiger Fast 60? Easy. With a full jet, it could easily be declared ...... up until 30 mins prior to take-off! ;)

STH

A Secret wiltshire airbase, mid-nineties. In the bar, the usual hgih-spirited happy-hour banter ensues. The (very tall & slim) Stn Cdr is concerned he is being ignored by the jovial crowd, and enters one conversational group whose number includes a certain co-pilot with a porn-star name (initials B....D.... - you know who!) who's diplomacy skills are legendary.

Stn Cdr: "Come on boys, you can include me in the banter, you know!"

B.....D....: "Which lanky streak of pi$$ said that?"

Hat, Axminster, etc.......

Scene: Regimental cross country race at a unit best known for large quantities of droopy moustaches.

New Rupert to grizzled but very fit racing snake SNCO. "Where did you come in the race?"

- "I don't run Sir - I stand and fight"

Yes I'm Back!!!

Just had a young lad leave our place who's wit has become the stuff of Urban Myths.

1) Having issued forth a sentence, the contents of which were 10% English, 90% Swearing, he was asked if he had Terrets (spelt right....I think).

The answer came back, "What the F**k is Terrets"!!

2) Walking around the large Heliport in the Emerald toilet said person was challenged by Snowdrop as to where his Beret was.

His reply was, "In my pocket".

He was then asked, why it was not on his head.

"Because (you know what's coming!) my head won't fit in my pocket"!!!!

Had a great couple of weeks jockeying with a det a RM Young Officers whilst heading up to Newcastle for Ark Royals decomissioning in 94.

Started with the usual alterations of rank sleeves ann turning upside down of beret badges, escalated slightly when they executed the exploding Met Baloon in cabin trick and ended, so I thought, as I superglued every piece of thier footwear to the bulkhead, sorry ceiling.

We then had a great few days in Newcastle and the YO's left to return to Lympstone, me congratulating myself on keeping up the standards of the Senior Service blah, blah, blah.

2 days later we came to disembark, briefed kitted up etc and collected helmets from SE room en-route the Flight deck, as I opened my locker I just knew I'd been trumped, the b*st*rds had left the contents of a couple of tins of tuna in my helmet, sadly the only one I had on board, so a long range Navex to the most westerly NAS was carried out to the very fragrant aroma of fish!!

GITS!!

Scene: British Engineer on top of an Alouette III, re-torquing the head....Iranian summer....hot as blazes...sweat pouring from all pores...veins standing out in his neck....

Along walks his American pilot...cold beer in hand....glances up...takes in the situation....states "Hey Eric, give it a good yank!"

Immediate response...."Didn't know there was such a thing!":{

Then there's the tale of the AAC airtrooper somewhere in Germany. Regiment being visited by some AAC bigwig who was inspecting the Quarter Guard pausing occasionally to ask the "Boots happy? Wife fits?" questions. Stops in front of said Airtrooper and asks "Do you know the Army Air Corps regimental Quick March?". "Well, Sir", he replies, "I don't know the tune but I know the words". Looks of bewilderment from bigwig and entourage. "All right, then" says bigwig, "Let's hear it".

"Left, right, left, right"

Two undergrads in their first year at Cambridge, punting a careful zig-zag course down the Cam, when this American leans over a bridge and yells (insert Texan drawl)

"Hey, steer between the banks!"

If you're going to give advice, it may as well be good. My brother's roomy comes straight back with:

"F**k-off, don't get involved in a land war in south east Asia"


On another occasion, the College porter is standing in the arch at the College entrance when an American lady exclaims:

"Excuse me, is this building pre-war?"

"Madam", he replies, "This building is pre-America"

Found this on a humour site,
it may interest you military boys
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To get back to a banter theme:

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his (single-engined) jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine
shut down.

"Ah,..." the fighter pilot remarked, "...the dreaded seven-engine approach."

:O :O :O :O :( :O :O :O