Best banter ever?
 

Guys,

I have had another crappy day at the very sharp end: I need a laugh and some of these threads are too serious for my liking.

So, my question is this:

What is the best banter you have heard?





And if this is a thread already covered elsewhere, please forgive me, I am tired.:sad:

How about:

'I think he is f**king breathing!'

'He's pretending to be f**cking dead!'

'He's pretending to be f**cking dead!'

Sound of the trusty 6 teeeeen!!

'He is now!'

Priceless - surely the quote of the battle.

All rise for the USMC Expeditionary Force.

lfogootfw

ISITD

:8

"Change Fatigue" is a real problem (U need to know)

Yes, I hate changing from Wine to beer when out as it makes you feel queer......beer then wine tho, feel fine!! (Good advice for Christmas season)

BLOODY HELL !!

ISITD and the Grim person are both back in circulation. Might get some decent banter going now.

Cue for ABIW to come steaming in.

Only just realised how bored I've been recently.

E5:ok:

After a paticularly sweaty 6 hours flying rat-packs ashore in Sierra Leone and returning to mother for crew-change I made a particularly hairy-arsed flare to 'the black pig'. Obviously too hairy arsed - as soon as the telebrief was in Little-F piped up, "If you want to make approaches like that my boy, get off my ship and buy a F*$king stetson". Funny and suitably humiliating at the same time.

I think the best banter from the realms of history occured when a female MP harshly rebuked Winston Churchill for addressing the house when under the influence. His response, "Yes madam, I am drunk, very, very drunk. But you are ugly, very,very ugly and in the morning I shall be sober".

Beautiful.

Allegedly Churchill uttered those words to Lady Astor when the Churchills and Astors were house guests of the Duke of Marlborough one weekend at Blenheim.

And the beverage in question was coffee. Hence WSC would have been at little risk as his preferred tipple was a good brandy.

Sir Thomas Beecham:

During a rehearsal, he thought that his female soloist was playing less than adequately on her fine Italian cello. He stopped the orchestra and declared: "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!"

A joke which the Senior Student recounted at the ULAS Annual Dinner in (I think) 1971-ish!

Unfortunately, DWRAF was not very impressed. Very p*ssed off, in fact - as the Boss soon discovered! Particularly as the chap also told the one about measuring WRAFs for trousers... (Not the "Use a metre rule, take the wet from the dry and add 3" for the turnups" line, but one almost as bad!)

Former Australian Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies was out on the hustings one day when a woman shouted out "I wouldn't vote for you if you were Jesus Christ" to which Menzies replied "Madam, if that were the case, you would not be in my electorate".

Anton,

Do you remember the days of The Mistress (RIP) :{ :{ :( :{ and The Bar threads, now those were probably the best Prune days that I remember - and still the serious threads, but always the option to pop in for a bit of banter and friendly abuse!

Churchill was once on the receiving end of a long, insulting and angry verbal attack from a Labour MP called Bossom. The House hushed expectantly as the great man rose ponderously to reply. A long pause, and he then mused "A curious name, Bossom, neither one thing nor the other..." collapse of Bossom and the whole Commons. :D

Hey Lee, would the Little F in question be the same 'Height, Speed, Ball me old bucket'?

I witnessed some of his put downs whilst embarked in the 'Black Pig' too..mostly whilst shipping Rats/Water ashore to the delightful Lunghi Airport!!!

One I heard about only yesterday. A female instructor is telling the class that a test will take place tomorrow and no excuses for poor performance will be entertained. One would-be wag asks, "Not even if I'm suffering total sexual exhaustion?"
Unfazed, she replies, "If that's the case, sonny, you'll have to use your other hand to write your answers."

adr

You have to read the detritus linked to on the harrier crash thread. Most of it makes me sad to be alive in a world with such retarded people allowed to breed but there was one pro-celebrity banter gem:

'It just happens to be a battery shaped like a man. Right. Just like youre an idiot shaped like a homo.'

That's actually moderately funny.

RAF Valley, early 1970s. Rwy 32, two lightnings holding west side, one gnat holding east side. Controller (me) mistakenly clears gnat for take off first. As said aircraft is rolling down the runway a voice says, "nasty little roller skate."

A very, very Beautiful young police woman on horse back In London a few years ago, Long blonde hair down to her lower back in a pony tail, absolutely stunning lady... typical english rose... get the picture? (think her name was Lesley...)

Abnoxious youth, drunk and insulting walking along the road making jibes at the police at every oportunity trying to make himself look good infront of his troglodite mates...

Yob shouts at Lady on horseback " Oi missis, Your Fcuking 'orse is foaming at the mouth!!" and laughs out loud looking for support from his mates...

Totally composed and with out hesitation she replied as quick as a flash " If you had just spent the last eight hours in between my legs, I suspect you would be foaming at the mouth aswell!"

Well Yob was truely gobsmacked and very red faced... I smiled at the vision of beauty and received such a sexy wink back... made my day... no make that my year!

It was one of those absolutely priceless moments in life!!

Gosh you have had a very sheltered life:8

The Head Dragon (DWRAF) on leaving work one night signed off her signals and went home.

At 01.00 an orderly officer on a station in the outer islands of Scotland was woken to go to the commcen to sign for a priority signal. He read (something like):

PRIORITY

FM: DWRAF

ABA/YAA 211800ZOCT1991

DWRAF has approved the following shades and brands of stockings and tights for wearing with WRAF uniform:

Boots: Autumn Shade
Pretty Polly: Dusk
etc. etc.

Not a happy bunny to have been woken up for this, he asked for a message pad and wrote:

IMMEDIATE

Personal For DWRAF

Your ABA/YAA 211800ZOCT1991 Acknowledged. Will comply.

And asked the operator to send it. He then went to bed.

After an uneventful night's orderly officer duty he was invited by a rather terse stn cdr to join him for an Axminster Shuffle (with hat) at 08:30.

On presenting himself, he was told not to do it again in no uncertain terms as the stn cdr did not appreciate fire from the Dragon at silly o'clock a.m.

Apparently, MOD rules had required that the signal be sent by messenger to DWAF's residence. When it arrived at about 02:30, she couldn't remember what her ABA/YAA211800Z... was all about so had got dressed and had driven in to MOD, arriving at @ 03:30.

She had then spent 2 hours searching her office for a signal which warranted such a high priority acknowledgement before finding the stocking signal at @ 05:45.

At this point the stn cdr could no longer keep a straight face, told the miscreant to take off his hat and have a seat, and asked his secretary to bring in tea and biccies for the pair of them.

The miscreant left the office with both him and the stn cdr in tears, laughing.

Brilliant! The thought of some old bat being on the receiving end of such utter triv has brightened up an otherwise gloomy autumnal day :D!

Ah - the joys of the overnight Priority signal!

There's probably sufficient material available for a whole new thread on 'Stupid signals'........

It always seemed that the Blunt Ones would let their out trays build up to critical mass just before stacking for the weekend on Friday morning, then write Priority on everything before scuttling off home. So various mates would be hauled from their scratchers at oh-dark-whenever to read about flooded police dog kennels in the Falklands, volunteers for expeditions - or gliding competition results......

Akronelli 1971-2ish.

A Love & Kisses Argosy was doing a drop over the Salt Lake DZ, about 2 miles north of the airfield. Ejects stream of coloured parachutes.

Cue Lightning mate on finals "Good Lord. That Argosy's just been sick!"