One I heard today, but have no means of verifying. If it's not true, it ought to be.

Everyone at the dinner is bored to tears of frustration by the interminable, unremittingly dull speech. Someone from the cheap seats decides to act, and shies a bottle at the speaker. But (possibly because of what had been in the bottle) he misses, and hits the padre, knocking him out. As the speaker drones on, those seated beside the padre check he's okay and haul him back to a sitting position. He comes round, and says, just loud enough to be heard by his immediate neighbours, "Do it again. I can still hear him."

adr

MPs duke it out
 

An exchange in Parliament in the 18th century:

John Wilkes 'was well known for his verbal wit and his snappy responses to insults. For instance, one MP shouted to him "You Sir, will either die of the pox or the gallows!" Wilkes responded "That would depend on whether I embrace your mistress, or your principles."'

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Wilkes

When I was a young lad on 11 Squadron the boys had just come back from some bollox sales trip half way around the world. One of the old navs (come to think of it he was probably about 30) was holding court about his night in Bangkok. It went something like this:

"Hey Johnny what was it like?"

"Awesome, they were all babes. I was in one bar and this girl walks up to me swaying her hips, looks me in the eye and grabs hold of my dick. She had legs up to her armpits, awesome"

"What did you say?"

"I told her I wasn't interested but.....she could tell I was"

Ghost

Tanker Pilot stolls up to the back of a Herc preparing to head off to the Gulf, bergen over one shoulder and golf clubs on the other.
Loadie (a tad miffed at the sight) " asks "What would you do if you got into your tent and saw a great big spider?"
Reply "First off, I'd call room service and ask them why the hell was there a tent in my hotel room and secondly to remove the spider with it!"


Two Italian Starfighters taxying out (At Linton as I recall), Tower asks for their departure details. Cue dodgy Ital accent "We go....and we no come back!"

Let's stay with Italian 104s....

I once tried to give a IFR departure clearence to a 104 at the hold. First I tried the most suited tacan SID:

"No familiar with that" (in something not to close to english)

So I tried to give him another one, with same result, the even tried a VOR SID (silly me)

"What are you familiar with?" ---- "The radar vectored departure!!!!" :E


When he and his wingman arrived, one of my collauges tried to give nr.2 a new SSR code after a split on vectors, let's say "3412".

AC: "Squawking 3410 Italy6645"

ATC:"Negative, squawk 3412!"

AC:"Squawking 3410, Italy6645, my last digit is broken!!!!" :D

And, yes they busted minima BIG TIME when they landed, nr 1 had to climb over the hill the tacan is placed on!
To fly the radial all the way in is not to smart at Bardufoss! :E

Ex Ocean Safari out of OVAR June 91.
Briefed to let the Portuguese run the show as it was their 1st big NATO exercise.

Prior to engine start - "Tower, request latest TAF's for Ovar and Madrid?"

"Ci - Ovar ees good, Madrid ees bad!!"

"Roger out"

Love many, Trust a few, Always paddle your own canoe!

PAR Talkdown into Sigonella circa 1980:

"You are above-a da glidepath, adjusta da rate-a descent..."

"You are-a right of-a da centreline....turna left two degrees..."

[After much left, right uppa and down]

"You are ona da glidepath, ona da centreline. DONNA TOUCH A THING !!!!"

Time for another WSC?
 

I've heard two versions, but the bones of it are the same.

A young Labour MP with certain sexual predilections was convinced to take a wife to keep up appearances, electorally. Upon seeing his somewhat homely wife WSC muttered "I suppose buggers can't be choosers..."

Met Brief one morning at 4AAC 654Sqn

Lynx Flt Cmdr after any questions says

"Officers, a reminder to finish sharp today as its CO's drinks in the mess this evening 1900"

Staffy says "Drinks? Aw sir can we come?"

Flt Cmdr says "Yes but only if you wear a bow tie and carry drinks around on tray like this"

Does the classic 'palm upwards' waiter pose

All non comms in the room go ooooooooooh!

Flusterred Australian exchange pilot opens crew brief with:

"Gents, today's trip is all up in the air"

Most of it was!

Early 80s and having a great time as a first tourist on shiny 10 squadron. Very experienced Flt Sgt ALM is looking after a cabin full of army pax, headed by a Colonel who obviously thinks he is a VIP. Colonel sees Flt Sgts rank insignia and interprets it as a Staff Sergeant and tries to get a drink.

As the ALM walks down the cabin, past the Colonel

Colonel "I say, Staff, Coffee white one sugar please."

ALM ignores Colonel turns around and as he walks past Colonel again

Colonel "I say Staff, Coffee white one sugar please."

This continues several times, each time the ALM ignoring the Colonel.

Finally, as the ALM is ignoring Colonel for about the fifth time the Colonel gently grabs the ALMs sleeve and says

"I say Staff, Coffee white one sugar please.

ALM "I am not a Staff Segeant Sir, I am a Flight Sergeant."

Colonel. " Oh I say, If you were in the Army you would be a Staff Sergeant."

ALM. "Sir, If I was in the Army I would be a fcuking General."

Bananas,

That's been a favourite for a long while; I told it to my Dad after I first heard it in the 70s, and he said it'd made him smile when he'd heard it on Dakotas in 1944. To top that, the bloke who told him said he'd first heard it on Victorias in Iraq back in the 1920s...:cool:

1.ALM: " The AOC's a C :mad: :mad: :mad: t !"

AOC: "Not as big a C:mad: :mad: :mad: t as the ALM who's disconnected the wrong headset !"
............................................................ ......................................
2.A certain infamous Herk Captain "of England", seen walking along Dakar Beach with one flip-flop on:

Crew member: "Hey, Dick, have you lost a flip-flop?"
Dick: "No, mate, found one"

AOC plus entourage on board a Puma at Caye Chapel, Belize, early 1980s. Scouser crewman stood outside for engine start but long i/com lead was u/s, so he was mainly unaware of events inside cabin.

Post start, crewman climbed in, appeared on jumpseat and cheerily announced in scouse accent on i/c: "Phew! Some c**t down the back has just farted!"

I hastily scribbled "AOC on i/com" on kneepad but too late!

Booming voice of AOC: "Well it certainly wasn't ME!"

Crewman's face a picture :ooh:

Met briefing at Scampton in spring 1989, after we'd cycled from the mess over some unexpected snow.

In walks met man with snow on shoulders, who delivers dead pan met brief with no mention of snow.

'any questions?' Wag at back: 'Any chance of snow today?'

'Not a chance.' Walks out to cheers.

__________________________________

Churchill (although what he was doing on a bus, lord knows).

Lady on spotting undone fly: 'Excuse me sir, but your penis is sticking out'

'You flatter yourself, madam. It is hanging out!'

___________________________________

Ops in NI after a bomb in Tyrone. We'd just dropped a team from the QDG do deal with it, including the one-eyed Colonel, who asks us, Aneka Rice stylee, to hover around for a bit and await orders.

After a while we ask him for intentions.

'Return my location, land, shut down and await orders, OUT'

Eh? Not doing that. ' Hello 9, this is tango 23, Negative, do not intend to land and shut down, OUT'

'Tango 23, this is is 9. DO NOT SAY 'OUT' TO ME' OUT!'

Another Winston Churchill classic:

To set the scene, Winston Churchill is in the loo when his aide knocks on the door...

Aide: "Excuse me Prime Minister but the Lord Privvy Seal needs to have a word with you immediately!"

Winston Churchill: "Tell the Lord Privvy Seal that I'm sealed in the privvy and I can only deal with one sh!t at a time!"

:}

Aprocryphal story from the Vulcan days of Nuclear Deterrent at the Scampton BoB Cocktail Party.

Local Councillor's wife attending in little black number with a badge depicting the 'Footprint of the Great British Chicken' aka CND. Said 'lady' smirks at attending hired hands and says "I suppose it annoys you chaps that I am wearing my CND badge with pride?"

Quick as a flash on the of the aircrew replied:

"Madam - there is not an officer in this room who would not gladly lay down his life to allow you the freedom to wear a badge like that in a room like this."

Little Black Number slinks away head hung in shame.

Wessex floating around NI, land on to pick up deputy GOC, says nav up the front:

"Crewman, ask the chief pongo where he wants to go"

"The chief pongo would like to go to Lisburn!" replies the chief pongo, who was a bit quicker with his headset and intercom than most!

Bugger!

1970's TV prog about Nuclear War, theme is aftermath of all out Nuclear attack. Interviewer to Vulcan Pilot:

"What will you do after the bomb has dropped?"

Pilot: "Close the bomb bay doors and re-trim"

Heard by me
 

'Elvis XYZ, Minneapolis Cenner, contact 125.45'

'125.45, Elvis XYZ'

Pause

'Elvis has left......the frequency'