One of HM's real carriers, first night in, Cocker's P on the flight deck with assembled multitude of local Dignitaries, secretaries, nurses, etc. Nice ship, but "it is the policy neither to confirm nor deny the existence of nuclear weapons on this vessel", etc etc.

Key the Duty PO on the tannoy:

"Will the rating holding the key to the Nuclear Bomb Store, please return the same immediately"

:rolleyes: ;)

Weeze International, early 70's, morning met briefing,assembled and bored Canberra crews, met man late, Stn Cdr irritated. Wx dully arrives and told to sit at the back and wait till the end to give his briefing. Usual Ops Wg drivel for an interminably long time before met man called. Walks slowly forward, declares "Fog" and slowly returns to an excited silence. Stn Cdr eventually demands an "amplification". Met man dully obiges after returning slowly to the front "Effing thick fog". Room collapses, :E

Example of Dutch humour, heard recently on Amsterdam departures 121.2

Aircraft checks in automatically passing 2000ft as per norm.

Dutch ATC: 'shouldn't you still be with tower?'

Aircraft : 'No, 121.2 at 2000ft?'

ATC: 'Oh, so that's your best rate of climb? I thought you were still on the runway'

Phrases you wish you hadn't heard, no. 239345...

Heard one that was never verified

New SWO at Lossie some years ago was asked by the Staish to smarten up the lads

Tactic: Early morning, stand near the Guardroom in the shadow of the security lights

Slightly scruffy lad walks through the barrier

SWO steps out of the shadows, places his pace stick on the lads shoulder and shouts "Stand still!!"

Young lad, "Yes Sir what's the matter?"

SWO. "I have some **** on the end of my stick lad!"

Young lad looks at stick and says "Not at this end Sir!"

Apparently, the SWO laughed and let him go

Love many, Trust a few, Always paddle your own canoe:ok:

Ark Royal,

"Met briefing at Scampton in spring 1989, after we'd cycled from the mess over some unexpected snow."

Not 337 QFI course perchance? On a tandem?

Bit like the fog story.

Blue day, 96 million miles viz, cold. Assembled white faced studes and brown faced staff in met brief on 228 OCU about 1969.

Enter Metman, overcoat, scarf, boots, hat etc. "No flying today," announces the man to stunned silence.

"Que?"

"It's snowing. 6 inches by lunchtime."

Queue staff and studes look out of window to see snow lashing down is sheets.

"How did you know that would happen?"

"Easy, looked out the door as I left met."

Who says Met never looked outside?

Keen, enthusiastic young AEOp turned WSO during IOT.

On appointment as course leader early on during the course, he gathers the troops to give them some words of advice on how to get through the next 24 weeks, especially on the importance of turning up on time-

'If there's one thing above all that you must remember on IOT, Punctuation, Punctuation,Punctuation'

Classic Curly!!

Another Churchill tale:

WLSC was out of political favor in the 1930's when Bernard Shaw sent him the following:

"Herewith two tickets for the first night of my play. Bring a friend - if you have any"

To which WLSC replied:

"Regret prior engagemnent - cannot attend your first night. Will come to second - if there is one"

Cheers, http://home.infionline.net/~pickyperkins/pi.gif

ShyTorque,

That's got me. QFI course it was. Number forgotten, Tandem vaguely remembered.:confused:

Ark, check your PM :ok:

Small world, innit?

You too, ****e 'awk. Check PMs

Lossie 1984ish...

Jag planning room. Andy Cubin may remeber this story....

Me a lowly Ops Clk clearing the maps from the floor again.. moaning about my day.

Door opens, in walks Staish... Think it was Lumpy L*****

"Anyone play cricket in here?" in his usual grumpy voice...

"No Sir its far to small !!" from one of the JP's.

Mirth and suppressed grins all around......

Meet Staish (Once I had finished tidying the maps up yet again) at the out brief... Auth has gone walkabout:

"I suppose you think that was funny ***"

I tried to look non-commital.....

Eternal credit to the man, he then said:

"Ok it was, but you try the same and I will bust your ass - fancy a back seat"

And he took me... great days.

OR :O

From the same tour.......

Certain ex Lightning man with a duck like name.....

Looks out of window (Hissing it down outside)

"You won't need me on the desk this morning *** weathers that bad even the seagulls are walking to work!!"

Dining-in Night in the mid 70s, Staish was the World's worst after-dinner speaker. (At one such event he sat down having failed to mention the principal guest, who was replying!).

After twenty minutes of droning at the end of one of the tables we were getting a bit restless and noisy.

Staish pauses from his monologue and says loudly "Excuse me, can everybody hear me?"

Quick as a flash the young WRAF sitting opposite me responds in an equally loud voice "Well I can, sir, but I'd willingly swap places with someone who can't".

Brilliant!

Non-flying:

The famous German conductor of the 50s and 60s, Carl Bohm, worked with an orchestra in the US for a while. They didn't like him at all, and frequently teased him about his not-very-good English, as he'd often say things that were technically correct, but not idiomatic English.

One rehearsal, he lost his temper, and throwing his stick to the floor, shouted
"You people, you so-superior people, you think I know **** Nothing. Well, I tell you, I know **** All!"

Collapse of entire band.

O

MAD Boom, surely he meant PRONUNCIATION . . .

TriStar Crewroom, Ascension Island.

Timmy crew having a few beers and discussing where they were born and bred.

Canadian exchange pilot to Geordie steward,

"I was born and raised in Regina."

Plain speaking steward in broad Geordie accent,

"Regina? Is that somewhere between ya c**t and yer effin ar$ehole?

Canadian not amused - rest of crew rolling on the floor in fits.

:D

Cyprus, December 1970something. The Troodos General Office Clerk and the unit Adj are on the last mail run to Akronelli before Christmas and agree to meet up at the YMCA club for a cuppa before setting-off back up the mountain. Task complete the
Corporal clerk turns up to find the Adj in conversation with the SWO (Jack Murray). Without saluting the Adj he says, "ready when you are".

The SWO turns puce and says "Compliments Corporal", without batting an eyelid the Corporal replies "Thanks! and a Merry Christmas to you too"

Brand new 22yo First Officer walks through the crewroom and announces loudly that he's going to the loo 'to give birth to a crewman'..

Crusty 45yo ex RAN crewman replies without a blink...'don't forget to wipe your pilot'...

I might have posted these elsewhere, but here goes anyway:

A senior cadet colleague with a very dry wit encountered a junior cadet grinning away.
'Why are you looking so happy, XXX?'
'Because the sun's shining, sir.'
'You stupid idiot, the sun's always shining. It's just sometimes you can't see it.'

Same senior cadet walking with SUO, who comments:
'Oh, it's starting to rain.'
'It's alright, sir, I'll have it switched off.'