"WPC Smith, you still haven't quite come to grips with being an Undercover Police Officer."

"I meant no disrespect Ma'am...Slapper is a term of endearment down here."

"No Ma'am, we're much better off here than at Millbank House"

P1

"....and so when I saw the fire extinguisher, I just stretched out my arms, and caught it without a second thought, but I don't want any fuss"

P1

"PC Smith to control....the two escapees from the asylum...yes, the one pretending to be a government minister and the one impersonating a police officer carrying a large invisible goldfish bowl... we're right behind them now; standby!"

"Yes Ma'am, it IS true what they say about black men... that's why we asked you to wear the vest and leave your handbag behind" :E

With a smirk on his face, Special Constable William Hague approaches Harriet, to give her the bad news. Yes your arse does look big in that.

"Well, ma'am, we gave you the stab-proof vest even though there's no chance of anyone attacking you with a knife because it's lighter, more flexible, and we paid "Wee Jimmy the Nutter" to shoot you"............

How big does my bum look iin this outfit?

We've been particularly successful in working with Environmental Services to eradicate all the ginger rodents. One of them was this big.

Harpie
 

Not meant to be funny , just an observation.
I thought it was illegal for a civilian to wear police uniform and so impersonate a police officer. A lawyer should know better.

This imaginary box of morale is getting heavy Ma'am...

"I am sorry madam Home Secretary but as part of your Government's cost cutting measures, your new security detail will be cut down to one Superintendent and two PCs - but on the bright side you do get to wear one of our fetching new stab vests!"

"No, Ma'am, I only got to Grade 5 in accordion. But you should hear me play ragtime piano".

So, you really got a wodge of cash this big from the taxpayer to do up your family home? Wish I had a job like that!

..Well yes of course , most of my boys are jolly good chaps you understand. But I do have to say that there are a couple of em' on there streets right now whom I wouldn't trust to even know how carry out the simplest of tasks, for example.....like.....oh I dunno......say....to even eat a mars bar propely...

Yes, the vest is stab proof, and protects the vital organs. Yours is shorter than mine because politicians, we've found, have no guts to protect.

Yes Ma'am, this vest is proof against small arms as well as knives. If you follow me over here to the range for the demonstration....
Oh, is that a favourite top you are wearing?

And on to the next one:

Honourable third to AA with:

'We've been particularly successful in working with Environmental Services to eradicate all the ginger rodents. One of them was this big.'

Laudatory second to Buster:

"I meant no disrespect Ma'am...Slapper is a term of endearment down here."

First place with:

Yes Ma'am, this vest is proof against small arms as well as knives. If you follow me over here to the range for the demonstration.... Oh, is that a favourite top you are wearing?

Take it away CSR!