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Mr Vice...........help?

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Mr Vice...........help?

Old 3rd Apr 2011, 17:10
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Other than that it was a fantastic night; albeit with a tinge a sadness at the approaching demise of our maritime capability.
Strange that freak dust storm hitting the Dining Room just as the Squadron Standard was marched out for the final time. More than a few people seem to have got dust in the eye.
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Old 3rd Apr 2011, 17:48
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Last night's Mr Vice almost came out with "The Greek"! Fantastic night but gutted as it's a true end of an era.
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 11:21
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Lead the guests in after the Mess staff call 'Dinner is Served'; stay sober enough to talk straight at the end for the toasts. Hopefully it will just be 'The Queen', maybe 'the Heads of State here Represented' (hence the stay sober advice - try that mouthful after a few!). Once the Top Table have departed, go and sit in the CO's chair and tell a joke or 2 - you're just killing time to allow the 'Old and Bold' to get their orders in at the bar. No need to take too long - empty the port decanters and get the junior team to the bar - Job Done!

PS - enjoy it, you have a part to play on a memorable night.
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 11:29
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Try: Ladies and Gentlemen - glaze your arses to the queer old dean.

or, as is rumoured at a guest night in Akrotiri in the late 60s during Harold Wilson's PM-ship: 'Ladies and Gentlemen - the Military Coup'.
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 15:14
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Dont get so pissed that you join in and help your neighbours pass a rope made of napkins through the legs of your chair - not realising that its sole purpose was to stop you pushing your chair back to stand at the appointed time.

I did
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 15:57
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Originally Posted by Rector16
maybe 'the Heads of State here Represented'
That is a modern cop out.

It used to be a good chance of a reload especially when there were several states there.

One was His Excellency the Shar of Persia but the best was one where we were all assembled in the afternoon for a practice:

"Mr Vice, His Beatitude Archbishop Makarios the third of Cyprus."

Mr Vice duly repeated the toast with the room resounding to

"Black Mac" and the glasses hitting the table.

On the night however the solemnity of the occasion prevented any of the sniggers etc from the afternoon. Maybe the practice had been a good idea.

At one station in deepest Lincolnshire we had a practice lunch for fag-ash lil. Everyone was dressed in their finery, wives and all. The only thing was that most of those at the rehearsal were NOT invited to the main event.
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 17:23
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One was His Excellency the Shar of Persia .....:
I can still recall (and I'm much younger than PN!) having to toast the Shah of Persia as Mr Vice at an overseas Station - when the desert was nowhere near as "popular" as it is now.

I can just about still recall it......

"His Serene Highness Mohammed Reza Pahlahvi, Shananshah [tr. King of Kings], Arymiarr [tr. Light of the Aryans!] and denizen of the Peacock Throne!"

....E&OE - it was a long time ago.....
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 17:39
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TH, so you would agree that the present toast is a complete cop out.
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 19:06
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Quick question, what is the correct form of address if vice is female?
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 19:36
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Madam Vice conjures up some amazing images
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 19:46
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Mr Vice

Depending on which Sqn you are, you need to organize for the mess clock on the roof to stop at 1:20. That always winds up OC admin but we always started it again round about Thursday just before they bought in a clock maker to repair it. If you need to know how to do it then PM me.
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 20:04
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Madam Vice conjures up some amazing images
I prefer "Mistress Vice"!
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Old 5th Apr 2011, 20:07
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Do not, under any circumstances:

a. Try to match the older and bolder sat near you drink for drink, egged on by your stupid, drunk 'mates'.

b. Try to leave a 10 second gap between 'Ladies and gentlemen' and 'The Queen'. Especially if you count the 10 seconds aloud.

c. Take your wine glass with you when the PMC demands your presence at the top table for explanations for serials a and b above.

d. Need the support of diners and tables to get to the PMC for the aforementioned 'chat'.

e. Vomit noisily and copiously on the new dining room carpet during the Stn Cdr's speech.

f. Need putting to bed by the padre when the PMC finally loses his rag.

g. Have your girlfriend awaiting your 'attentions' in your room when the padre finally gets you there.

h. Get chopped for lack of OQs for serials a to g above.

Linton on Ouse circa 1996. I was one of the older and bolder.
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Old 6th Apr 2011, 07:30
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TH, so you would agree that the present toast is a complete cop out.
... absolutely PN.

I can also still recall (from the same D-I-N) "His Majesty Sultan Qaboos bin Said bin Taimur al Saidi!"

Although a little later than the above - prob early 80s - I had a "discussion" with a PMC who wouldn't toast individual Heads of State of our exchange officers - USAF and FAF IIRC. He claimed it was all laid down in 3223 as to who could toast whom and when - must look it up one day (if 3223 still exists).

I still think it's bl%%dy rude. How offended would we feel if HM (Gawd Bless 'Er) were toasted elsewhere as merely a "Head of State here Represented".
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Old 6th Apr 2011, 20:22
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TTH,

My recollection is that it was acceptable to toast individual heads of state up to four and thereafter it was 'Heads of State, here represented'.

I always avoided problems as a PMC by briefing the overseas officers on 'the form' before the event and ensuring they were comfortable with the customs being used.

On one occasion, I was the 'host' at a luncheon for the entire corps of Defence Attaches in London - the seating plan was the nightmare on that occasion but another story for another day!

Old Duffer
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Old 7th Apr 2011, 10:13
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RAF Stafford, late eighties. We always toasted the Heads of State of the 2 international Liaison Officers. Made sure that young Plt Off Stacker poured as much booze down his gullet as possible then sat back and watched him try to say... 'Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the Federal Republic of Germany.'
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Old 7th Apr 2011, 11:30
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Grace

If called on for Grace as RC warns:

'For eggs and beans and buttered toast thank Father Son and Holy Ghost', would suffice. We trust however that the catering is somewhat more imaginative even given the contract catering you poor chaps (and Ladies) have to endure these day. Apologies to any companies who do actually come up to the standards of, 'years gone by'. Standing by for the flak.
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Old 7th Apr 2011, 11:49
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'For eggs and beans and buttered toast thank Father Son and Holy Ghost'
Was at the DiN for a departing Padre who used the above line but added:

"But for those of us who are dining free may we also thank the PMC".
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Old 7th Apr 2011, 15:29
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A certain venerable Wg Cdr* was heard to utter:

"O Jesus Christ O Lord Devine who turned water into wine, have mercy on us mortal men about to turn it back again".

*I'm sure he wasn't the only one to use it.
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Old 8th Apr 2011, 11:28
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Or for a daytime function (Top Table?) ...

...."God Bless this Bunch while they munch their Lunch"
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