Funny Things Happen in The Air Force
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A couple that I remember:
A Technical Training Unit in Buckinghamshire early 80's
Morning parade of Electrical Training Squadron and an A/Cpl discip is standing behind me, "SAC M***, am I hurting you?"
"No Cpl, why?"
"Well I should be cos I'm standing on your f*ck**n hair!"
Fast forward a year as I'm leaving as a newly promoted J/T
"Cpl, am I hurting you?"
No J/T M**** why?"
"Well I should be cos I just dropped my pay chit on your foot!"
RAFG a few years later, TACEVAL. Two of us are guarding the base from the Orange hordes when we come under heli-borne assault. A rock ape leaps from the Puma and comes running towards our sangar and the inevitable barrage of blank rounds ensues. About thirty feet from us the rock does the best impression of a Quentin Tarantino "arghhh I've been shot" scene ever witnessed and promptly flies backwards and collapses in a heap. It's only then that my oppo notices the lack of the BFA on the end of his SLR. A brief search of the area reveals the errant BFA right next to the recumbent rockape.
A Technical Training Unit in Buckinghamshire early 80's
Morning parade of Electrical Training Squadron and an A/Cpl discip is standing behind me, "SAC M***, am I hurting you?"
"No Cpl, why?"
"Well I should be cos I'm standing on your f*ck**n hair!"
Fast forward a year as I'm leaving as a newly promoted J/T
"Cpl, am I hurting you?"
No J/T M**** why?"
"Well I should be cos I just dropped my pay chit on your foot!"
RAFG a few years later, TACEVAL. Two of us are guarding the base from the Orange hordes when we come under heli-borne assault. A rock ape leaps from the Puma and comes running towards our sangar and the inevitable barrage of blank rounds ensues. About thirty feet from us the rock does the best impression of a Quentin Tarantino "arghhh I've been shot" scene ever witnessed and promptly flies backwards and collapses in a heap. It's only then that my oppo notices the lack of the BFA on the end of his SLR. A brief search of the area reveals the errant BFA right next to the recumbent rockape.
Then there was the DIOT Flt Cdr wearing DPMs and SD cap, who (allegedly) welcomed the recoursed cadet to his flight (as he shot his elegant cuff links past the cuff of his cabbage-kit jacket) with, "Well Bloggs, anywhere else they would have given you a revolver on a green baize table, but instead they have sent you to me!".
Manston, early seventies.
A Squadron of RN Wessexs divert in due to fog in the English channel and their unexpected arrival is causing a fair bit of chaos.
A big gruff Lt. Cmdr jumps out of one of the rotors running choppers and bellows something into the ear of one of the airmen who has been sent out to the pan to help. Said airman gives the crewman the thumbs up over the din, jumps into his Landrover and heads back to the ASF. Ten minutes later the airman is back, drops the tailgate on the Landrover and sitting there is a large bucket of steaming hot water, a roll of blue tissue paper and a couple of large bars of soap. A number of the crewmen fall about laughing while the Lt. Cmdr starts to pound his bone dome with his fists.
It turns out he had asked the airman if the ASF had S.O.A.P. which means Spectrometric Oil Analysis Programme, for checking the condition of the engine.
A Squadron of RN Wessexs divert in due to fog in the English channel and their unexpected arrival is causing a fair bit of chaos.
A big gruff Lt. Cmdr jumps out of one of the rotors running choppers and bellows something into the ear of one of the airmen who has been sent out to the pan to help. Said airman gives the crewman the thumbs up over the din, jumps into his Landrover and heads back to the ASF. Ten minutes later the airman is back, drops the tailgate on the Landrover and sitting there is a large bucket of steaming hot water, a roll of blue tissue paper and a couple of large bars of soap. A number of the crewmen fall about laughing while the Lt. Cmdr starts to pound his bone dome with his fists.
It turns out he had asked the airman if the ASF had S.O.A.P. which means Spectrometric Oil Analysis Programme, for checking the condition of the engine.
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San Carlos
Prior to the building of the metropolis at MPA, when 1310 Flight Wokkas and the RIC were homed at the infamous kellys garden health spa and retreat at San Carlos. I was tasked with ditching the mountain of beer tins from our previous evenings social interactions and told to grab the unimog and take them to America, ''Why is the tip called America'' I asked Because its full of SH*T and over there.
During a Taceval at Suffolks premier strike base in early 90's myself and a Flt Lt were asked ! if we would go outside, in full NBC dress, to show how to decontaminate our selves in the event. Sgt rockape gave us both bits of tree he had cut up to use as brushes. After a few attempts at hitting each other(to brush us down) we both got the giggles after saying people would pay a lot of money to have this done to them in Amsterdam. By now the rockape was'nt impressed with our p%ss taking and arrsing about, after shouting at us both to take it seriously he firmely told us to sexually go away and he stormed off to jump on another unsuspecting airman.
Think the Flt Lt has just left Norfolk's strike base after being Staish so at least I got to give a Staish the brush off !!!
Think the Flt Lt has just left Norfolk's strike base after being Staish so at least I got to give a Staish the brush off !!!
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Bump!
As a Halton Brat in the late 70's, me and two mates were stagering back to the block, one snowy night, after some rehydration in Henderson NAAFI (28p/pint)
(Earlier on that evening, there had been a massive snowball fight with the DE underachievers, and we had been packing stones in our snowballs and broken over 30 windows in their block, coppers and duty staff were on the prowl.)
We had been to the bar to celebrate.
My mate said, 'I bet you can't hit that lamp post from here' Sure enough, I couldn't, and neither could he.
But it was enough for the Orderly Sergeant to spot us and charge us with vandalism, or 'Throwing Ice-balls at RAF property'
It was that famous EngO who took off in the Lightning that heard the charge. Marched In - £5.00 fine - then a pep talk
'Where are you from, young man?'
'Reading, Sir'
'Ah, you don't get much vandalism in Reading, do you?'
(couldn't resist it)
'Not while I'm at Halton, Sah!'
As a Halton Brat in the late 70's, me and two mates were stagering back to the block, one snowy night, after some rehydration in Henderson NAAFI (28p/pint)
(Earlier on that evening, there had been a massive snowball fight with the DE underachievers, and we had been packing stones in our snowballs and broken over 30 windows in their block, coppers and duty staff were on the prowl.)
We had been to the bar to celebrate.
My mate said, 'I bet you can't hit that lamp post from here' Sure enough, I couldn't, and neither could he.
But it was enough for the Orderly Sergeant to spot us and charge us with vandalism, or 'Throwing Ice-balls at RAF property'
It was that famous EngO who took off in the Lightning that heard the charge. Marched In - £5.00 fine - then a pep talk
'Where are you from, young man?'
'Reading, Sir'
'Ah, you don't get much vandalism in Reading, do you?'
(couldn't resist it)
'Not while I'm at Halton, Sah!'
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RAF Finningley, Freedom of Doncaster Parade 1976?
Pawade Commande..
Who couldn't pwounounce his 'R's.
One week of Pawade Pwactice.
Three weeks to stop the laughter from the guys involved.
The command 'Form Ranks' had a whole new meaning! And as to the 'bweifing about the 'All Wanks Dwinks Party' after the event had the Mayor of Doncaster in stiches.
Pawade Commande..
Who couldn't pwounounce his 'R's.
One week of Pawade Pwactice.
Three weeks to stop the laughter from the guys involved.
The command 'Form Ranks' had a whole new meaning! And as to the 'bweifing about the 'All Wanks Dwinks Party' after the event had the Mayor of Doncaster in stiches.
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A cold, wet, miserable 1973 night at a RNZAF base on the mainland of NZ. Cpl Edthedruid is there on his Cpl's Qual course (yes, we did promotion courses AFTER we were promoted). That particular night we were each given two recruits and were tasked to guard Base HQ against intruders. During the evening we were told that somebody had borrowed a Flt Lts uniform and had managed to talk his way in. We were to smarten up our ideas and not let it happen again.
At about 2200, I decided to sneak around the corner and have a smoke, leaving my two recruits to guard the front door of the building. A few minutes later a flustered AC runs round the corner and tells me that someone trying to pass himself off as the Base Commander was demanding access to the building. One recruit had stood in front of this chap's car while the other one went to the window and asked him for his ID card. The driver became quite irate, said he didn't have his card on him and started edging his car forward until it was pushing the young AC standing in front. It was at this point they decided I should be fetched.
I marched up to the car, stuck my head in the window and said" Good evening sir, could I see your ID card please". Then the rant started. Having had enough, I drew myself up to my full five-foot-six, looked this chap who was dressed for gardening , if anything, straight in the eye and said loudly "The effing Base Commander would have more effing sense than to drive around base without his ID card, now eff off!". At that point a F/S GSI strode up, saluted smartly and said "Good evening,sir". Yes, it WAS the Base Commander.
I was told the next day that His Lordship wanted me in Ardmore (think Colchester) asap. What he didn't want to happen to me wasn't worth hearing about. Then our dear old W/O instructor looked him straight in the eye and asked "Well, where IS your ID card sir?" Subject closed. Turned out he was known for coming down hard on anybody found without their ID card. Heard no more about it.
At about 2200, I decided to sneak around the corner and have a smoke, leaving my two recruits to guard the front door of the building. A few minutes later a flustered AC runs round the corner and tells me that someone trying to pass himself off as the Base Commander was demanding access to the building. One recruit had stood in front of this chap's car while the other one went to the window and asked him for his ID card. The driver became quite irate, said he didn't have his card on him and started edging his car forward until it was pushing the young AC standing in front. It was at this point they decided I should be fetched.
I marched up to the car, stuck my head in the window and said" Good evening sir, could I see your ID card please". Then the rant started. Having had enough, I drew myself up to my full five-foot-six, looked this chap who was dressed for gardening , if anything, straight in the eye and said loudly "The effing Base Commander would have more effing sense than to drive around base without his ID card, now eff off!". At that point a F/S GSI strode up, saluted smartly and said "Good evening,sir". Yes, it WAS the Base Commander.
I was told the next day that His Lordship wanted me in Ardmore (think Colchester) asap. What he didn't want to happen to me wasn't worth hearing about. Then our dear old W/O instructor looked him straight in the eye and asked "Well, where IS your ID card sir?" Subject closed. Turned out he was known for coming down hard on anybody found without their ID card. Heard no more about it.
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A different mainland RNZAF base in the mid-80s. Monday morning base parade. Base W/O marches up to a tall, gangly, scruffy corporal. "Corporal Blah, that uniform looks like you slept in it!". "I did sir". Yes, under the Corporals' Club bar where he had inadvertently been left when they locked up the night before. He had been on jankers, which was why he had turned up at the club in his best (No.3) uniform.
Same parade ground some weeks later. Full-dress rehearsal for a big parade, with the Base Commander carrying out the inspection. The good Group Captain, an engineering officer, was not known as Hardnose for nothing. His bark was bad, his bite was downright nasty. Parade's all ready to go, Hardnose starts his inspection and stops in front of an LAC. "I hope you've got a better pair of shoes than that, laddie?". "Yes, I have sir". "Well, why aren't you wearing them?". "Oh, I keep those for parades sir". "WELL WHAT THE EFFING HELL DO YOU THINK THIS IS?. BASE W/O, SEE TO THIS HORRIBLE LITTLE OBJECT!". Turns out he was saving his good shoes for the REAL parade!
Same parade ground some weeks later. Full-dress rehearsal for a big parade, with the Base Commander carrying out the inspection. The good Group Captain, an engineering officer, was not known as Hardnose for nothing. His bark was bad, his bite was downright nasty. Parade's all ready to go, Hardnose starts his inspection and stops in front of an LAC. "I hope you've got a better pair of shoes than that, laddie?". "Yes, I have sir". "Well, why aren't you wearing them?". "Oh, I keep those for parades sir". "WELL WHAT THE EFFING HELL DO YOU THINK THIS IS?. BASE W/O, SEE TO THIS HORRIBLE LITTLE OBJECT!". Turns out he was saving his good shoes for the REAL parade!
Last edited by Edthedruid; 4th May 2010 at 12:54.
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In the late 1950s the Commandant at Halton was Air Commodore T N (Punchy) Coslett, himself an ex-brat and former RAF heavyweight boxing champion. At a practice AOC's parade, I had the easy post of "commanding" No 1 Flight of No 1 Squadron; No 2 Flight being led by a mate, Pete E*****s.
All went well until the march past, when Pete set his troop in motion out of step with my lot. Punchy's shout drowned out the band as he ordered us back to the starting blocks with the instruction "Will the Commander of 2 Flight set off in step with No 1 Flight"
The restart was no improvement; Pete still hadn't got the hang of it. After sending us back to the start position again, Punchy's next shout was "Flt Lt E****s start off IN STEP WITH NO 1 FLIGHT".
Sadly, the third attempt was no more successful; this time the Air Commodore simply halted us and roared "Flt Lt E****s come here". As Pete stood smartly to attention in front of him, Punchy drew his sword, pointed it at Pete's chest and the whole parade heard his final words "Flt Lt E****s, if you do that again I'm going to run you through".
Happily for Pete it was fourth time lucky.
All went well until the march past, when Pete set his troop in motion out of step with my lot. Punchy's shout drowned out the band as he ordered us back to the starting blocks with the instruction "Will the Commander of 2 Flight set off in step with No 1 Flight"
The restart was no improvement; Pete still hadn't got the hang of it. After sending us back to the start position again, Punchy's next shout was "Flt Lt E****s start off IN STEP WITH NO 1 FLIGHT".
Sadly, the third attempt was no more successful; this time the Air Commodore simply halted us and roared "Flt Lt E****s come here". As Pete stood smartly to attention in front of him, Punchy drew his sword, pointed it at Pete's chest and the whole parade heard his final words "Flt Lt E****s, if you do that again I'm going to run you through".
Happily for Pete it was fourth time lucky.
RAF Much Stn Alerts in the Night in NE Lincs, 1980. Returning to the RAF after an 11 year holiday in civvie street and with the TA, I was given as one of my secondary duties O i/c GoH (Stn Rock was a Fg Off, and my 2 i/c). "Hmm" said the much loved Staish, "in my day that job would go to an ex Cranwell Cadet". "It has this time, Sir", I reminded him.
Final dress rehearsal of AOC's Parade for Sir Peter H..., AOC 11 Gp. I have just done my bit at the far end of the pan for the "practice" AOC when the SWO' s Runner comes legging it down the pan. "From the Staion Commander, Sir. Please moderate your word of command. The sation parade is following your orders, not his."
Smug (very smug) grin, and several beers bought for me that night.
Final dress rehearsal of AOC's Parade for Sir Peter H..., AOC 11 Gp. I have just done my bit at the far end of the pan for the "practice" AOC when the SWO' s Runner comes legging it down the pan. "From the Staion Commander, Sir. Please moderate your word of command. The sation parade is following your orders, not his."
Smug (very smug) grin, and several beers bought for me that night.
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During first term at RAFC Cranwell, junior entry lived in 6 man huts (AKA South Brick Lines). Weekly hut inspection by Flight drill instructor (see post #1 story no. 4).
Flt Cdt SOSL unwraps and places brand new Gilette razor blade in his ceremonial (cere) razor. During inspection Sgt R.... finds thumbprint on razor blade, charges Flt Cdt SOSL. SOSL defends himself by claiming it was a brand new razor blade and any thumbprint must have been caused during manufacture. 14 days jankers for calling a reputable British manufacturer into disrepute.
Same Sgt R.... while extremely eloquent on parade square, sometimes forgot words off the square. Hut inspection: he found scrapings from rugby boots under one of the beds in hut 150. Had temporarily forgotten the word for mud. Inspection report read " Hut 150. Bed no. 2 - loose ground found on floor".
Flt Cdt SOSL unwraps and places brand new Gilette razor blade in his ceremonial (cere) razor. During inspection Sgt R.... finds thumbprint on razor blade, charges Flt Cdt SOSL. SOSL defends himself by claiming it was a brand new razor blade and any thumbprint must have been caused during manufacture. 14 days jankers for calling a reputable British manufacturer into disrepute.
Same Sgt R.... while extremely eloquent on parade square, sometimes forgot words off the square. Hut inspection: he found scrapings from rugby boots under one of the beds in hut 150. Had temporarily forgotten the word for mud. Inspection report read " Hut 150. Bed no. 2 - loose ground found on floor".
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SOSL - "Sorry Sir, I do not accept your award, I request trial by Court Martial. The Sergeant has stated a falsehood in evidence. Gillette is demonstrably an American company, and is therefore inherently of questionable repute 
".
".
Young Jag pilot (YJP) in the late 70s at the Strike Base of the time: detailed to lead a pair of Jags on a demonstration scramble (taxi-through) from a single HAS to impress visiting senior officers from other NATO nations accompanied by Harry the Staish (HTS). These 2 Jags were always loaded at weekends with 4 x CBU in case the balloon went up etc ...
With 2 Jags in a HAS the front one had to start its right-hand engine and move out of the HAS before No 2 could start his engines in the HAS.
YJP is briefed by flt cdr, one Joe W, to make it snappy, move out of the HAS quickly and let No 2 start without delay. YJP gets quickly into Jag (as it's only a taxi-through) and might have skimped on his checks. He starts RH engine quickly and moves snappily out of HAS. As he does so, he sees HTS turn away from the scene and spend a minute or 2 looking the other way ...
Both Jags manage to taxi and "hide" on the southern parallel while dignitaries and HTS finish their tour and head off in motorcade. On return to the Sqn, YJP is told by flt cdr that it was a good snappy exit, but that a ladder behind his Jag had risen on the jet blast and hovered near the tail of the other Jag, crashing to the ground behind it. Couldn't understand how that had happened, but no damage, so no UI. Phew!
YJP accosted by one of the linies in the Sqn the next day:
"Sir, that taxi-through yesterday?" "Yes, what about it?" "I noticed that your engine had a sort of blue flame coming out of the back!" "Ah! Thanks! Perhaps we had better not mention that again."
The Jag had part-throttle reheat, y'see. The switch was meant to be off, normally, something you checked before climbing aboard ... under normal circumstances, anyway.
With 2 Jags in a HAS the front one had to start its right-hand engine and move out of the HAS before No 2 could start his engines in the HAS.
YJP is briefed by flt cdr, one Joe W, to make it snappy, move out of the HAS quickly and let No 2 start without delay. YJP gets quickly into Jag (as it's only a taxi-through) and might have skimped on his checks. He starts RH engine quickly and moves snappily out of HAS. As he does so, he sees HTS turn away from the scene and spend a minute or 2 looking the other way ...
Both Jags manage to taxi and "hide" on the southern parallel while dignitaries and HTS finish their tour and head off in motorcade. On return to the Sqn, YJP is told by flt cdr that it was a good snappy exit, but that a ladder behind his Jag had risen on the jet blast and hovered near the tail of the other Jag, crashing to the ground behind it. Couldn't understand how that had happened, but no damage, so no UI. Phew!
YJP accosted by one of the linies in the Sqn the next day:
"Sir, that taxi-through yesterday?" "Yes, what about it?" "I noticed that your engine had a sort of blue flame coming out of the back!" "Ah! Thanks! Perhaps we had better not mention that again."
The Jag had part-throttle reheat, y'see. The switch was meant to be off, normally, something you checked before climbing aboard ... under normal circumstances, anyway.
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Roadster
Thanks for your advice but it would have got me 28 days for insulting the colonies!
Thanks to all posters this is going well. I have spoken to Help for Heroes and they don't publish stuff so I will have to see who is interested in publishing our stories. I have already got about 20 pages on a Word document - still some way to go!
If anyone has any ideas ......?
Thanks to all posters this is going well. I have spoken to Help for Heroes and they don't publish stuff so I will have to see who is interested in publishing our stories. I have already got about 20 pages on a Word document - still some way to go!
If anyone has any ideas ......?
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SOSL,
If you remember, several D.I.'s were allegedly posted to RAFC in a (Failed) attempt to make Sgt R. look intelligent.
Not difficult when , for example, Sgt R. was persuaded that the map of the hunting area for the Cranwell Beagling pack that was posted up in the Junior Mess was, in fact , a map of Arabia.
The response was almost predictable:
"Of course I knew that!'......... I was stationed there you know!......What you lot don't realise ..etc...etc...."
If you remember, several D.I.'s were allegedly posted to RAFC in a (Failed) attempt to make Sgt R. look intelligent.
Not difficult when , for example, Sgt R. was persuaded that the map of the hunting area for the Cranwell Beagling pack that was posted up in the Junior Mess was, in fact , a map of Arabia.
The response was almost predictable:
"Of course I knew that!'......... I was stationed there you know!......What you lot don't realise ..etc...etc...."
space cadets
Waddington 1981, Air Cadets on annual camp and allowed to work in the sections and if they could all week. Young Yorkshire cpl cadet, working with RAF Police, and they had him on the main gate of the evening of the 'O' Mess ball. Large black car plus flag arrives at main gate and small cdt cpl smartly salutes and asks Harry Staish for his 1250, RAF police cpl seen disappearing into the distance ' seen and heard nothing honest' when said senior officer states, Haven't got it. Luckily Staish takes it in good part and goes home for it, much hilarity all round.
RAF Odiham 1975 - AOC's parade, large number on parade with GSM NI medal, due to heroic SHFNI Wessex & Puma.
AOC asks junior Joe 'how did you find Northern Ireland?'
'I went to Liverpool and turned left Sir......'
SWO screaming, cell door clanging......
AOC asks junior Joe 'how did you find Northern Ireland?'
'I went to Liverpool and turned left Sir......'
SWO screaming, cell door clanging......
RAF Finningley, Freedom of Doncaster Parade 1976
Bill and 'Speedy' - 'Uncle Les' R***a wasn't perhaps the sharpest tool in the box, but had a heart of gold. At the end of Term 1, the idle taxi drivers from Sleapit had left several of us in the lurch and in danger of missing our trains....
Until, that is, Les gave us all a lift to Grantham and wouldn't take a penny for his kindness.
In Term 2, he would willingly allowed himself to be distracted by the Block batmen with the odd tot of rum (or few) on our weekly inspection days, so they were always far from onerous.
All part of the RAF 'family' of those days!!
