Best reply heard?
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I can remember one from the 234 Sqn/ TWU line book at Brawdy about a Hunter that called for recovery and obviously got the old code-words for DME and Altitude confused.
Hunter "Bravo xx request recovery for Brawdy"
ATC "Roger Bravo xx, what is your hayrake?"
Hunter " Ummm.......20,000, heading north."
ATC (well within 5 secs) " In that case, Bravo xx steer 010 degrees and call me back tomorrow!"
Hunter "Bravo xx request recovery for Brawdy"
ATC "Roger Bravo xx, what is your hayrake?"
Hunter " Ummm.......20,000, heading north."
ATC (well within 5 secs) " In that case, Bravo xx steer 010 degrees and call me back tomorrow!"
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A Perth based Cessna twin, procedural IFR training at Glasgow, student pilot (English not his first language) trying manfully to cope with RT unassisted; exchange ran:
Glasgow “Airwork XX I have your outbound clearance”
Cessna “Glasgow, Airwork XX Ready to copy”
Glasgow “Airwork XX Near incomprehensible stream of high speed Glaswegian”
Cessna (Mystified) “Glasgow, Airwork XX Say again”
Glasgow “Airwork XX I say again Near incomprehensible stream of high speed Glaswegian”
Cessna (Still mystified) “Glasgow, Airwork XX say again more slowly”
Glasgow “Airwork XX I say againNear incomprehensible stream of high speed Glaswegian”
Cessna “Glasgow, Airwork XX instructor, request an English speaking controller”
Glasgow “Airwork XX I have your outbound clearance”
Cessna “Glasgow, Airwork XX Ready to copy”
Glasgow “Airwork XX Near incomprehensible stream of high speed Glaswegian”
Cessna (Mystified) “Glasgow, Airwork XX Say again”
Glasgow “Airwork XX I say again Near incomprehensible stream of high speed Glaswegian”
Cessna (Still mystified) “Glasgow, Airwork XX say again more slowly”
Glasgow “Airwork XX I say againNear incomprehensible stream of high speed Glaswegian”
Cessna “Glasgow, Airwork XX instructor, request an English speaking controller”
Infantry Corporal is addressing a mixture of British Army officers on the utilisation of a Bedford MK 4 Tonne truck for field logistics support.
Towards the end of the presentation the Corporal demonstrates traceability of various part number items to there correct storage bin location in the truck, nuts, bolts, rifle parts etc.
Knowing that his demonstration could have been pre-arranged and therefore flawed, the Corporal invites his audience to think of an item that he could try and locate.
Pointing to his hackle, a rather posh spoken officer from the Fusiliers pipes up “I say Corporal, you wouldn’t happen to have one of these would you?”
Quick as a flash the Corporal responds, “With respect sir, this is a logistics wagon not a bloody pet shop”
Towards the end of the presentation the Corporal demonstrates traceability of various part number items to there correct storage bin location in the truck, nuts, bolts, rifle parts etc.
Knowing that his demonstration could have been pre-arranged and therefore flawed, the Corporal invites his audience to think of an item that he could try and locate.
Pointing to his hackle, a rather posh spoken officer from the Fusiliers pipes up “I say Corporal, you wouldn’t happen to have one of these would you?”
Quick as a flash the Corporal responds, “With respect sir, this is a logistics wagon not a bloody pet shop”
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Captain Mick o'Toole of Begorrah Airlines when asked for his height and position replied, "Oim fifefoot six and oim sittin in the front"
The same chap who having burned out all his brakes was amazed to have landed on a runway only 150 feet long. He noticed however it was 2500 feet wide.
The same chap who having burned out all his brakes was amazed to have landed on a runway only 150 feet long. He noticed however it was 2500 feet wide.
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JMC last year, formation of harriers handed to a ScotMil console from the ICF.
Harriers: "Jedi! (2,3,4)... Scottish, Jedi"
ScotMil: "Jedi, Identified are you advisory radar service" (best Yoda voice)
Harriers: "Jedi! (2,3,4)... Scottish, Jedi"
ScotMil: "Jedi, Identified are you advisory radar service" (best Yoda voice)
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Heard a story a number of years ago about a Nimrod trying to contact a US battleship in the Med, wondering why he wasn't getting a reply to his calls to 'TEN WHISKEY ALPHA'
sw
sw
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During a flight back from Dulles on one of HM Vickers queen of the skies, I was listening in on the flight deck to a rather prolonged argument between numerous airlines, wanting to get high flight levels. We were top of the stack, at FL390. In a quiet spell a new voice appeared.
"This is Speedbird 001. Requesting DECSENT to FL500"
Things were a little quiet for a while.
"This is Speedbird 001. Requesting DECSENT to FL500"
Things were a little quiet for a while.
Gentleman Aviator
May have told this one before:
When one was serving with SOAF, a contract officer who had previously served with the RAF and the RCAF (as was) was being given a hard time by a baby loan service jet pilot .....
"Listen sonny, I've been in more air forces than you've been on squadrons"
When one was serving with SOAF, a contract officer who had previously served with the RAF and the RCAF (as was) was being given a hard time by a baby loan service jet pilot .....
"Listen sonny, I've been in more air forces than you've been on squadrons"
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Here's a few more...
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!
Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff" Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement" Aircraft: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?" Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".
Good knowledge of radio procedure..
ATIS Hotel
"ATIS" stands for "Automated Terminal Information Service," which is a recorded message broadcast at most busy airports around the country. ATIS gives pilots the current wind, air traffic, and runway information and each time the information changes, the broadcast is revised, with each revision being assigned the next letter in the phonetic alphabet. This designation is included in the broadcast, which is identified as, "Information Alpha..." Bravo, Charlie, etc. At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the "Information so-and-so" identifier when they make their initial radio call. Sometimes, the results can be hilarious...
The scenario: it was night over Las Vegas and "Information Hotel" was current on the ATIS. Mooney 33W wasn't too sharp, but he didn't let that stop him from talking to Approach Control.
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
Cleared for take-off...
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: "Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
- It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off...
Leaving Palo Alto one Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
XX: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
XX: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.
A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport) I heard an obvious student in a Cessna 152:
Ah Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final, final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!
A control tower prided itself on the speed of delivery of clearances
Aircraft (after hearing a high speed delivery). "You hear the speed I'm talking? That's the speed I'm listening."
ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.
" ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
Cessna:"Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"
XXXX: "roger"
Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"
XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there’s a darn horn blaring in my ear!"
Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"
XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"
Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw ****."
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."
A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"
Female teminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request: "Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for three weeks."
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"
Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"
Some People Just Never Listen
ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.
ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.
Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"
how slow can you go?
It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this...
Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!"
Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!
Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff" Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement" Aircraft: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?" Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".
Good knowledge of radio procedure..
ATIS Hotel
"ATIS" stands for "Automated Terminal Information Service," which is a recorded message broadcast at most busy airports around the country. ATIS gives pilots the current wind, air traffic, and runway information and each time the information changes, the broadcast is revised, with each revision being assigned the next letter in the phonetic alphabet. This designation is included in the broadcast, which is identified as, "Information Alpha..." Bravo, Charlie, etc. At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the "Information so-and-so" identifier when they make their initial radio call. Sometimes, the results can be hilarious...
The scenario: it was night over Las Vegas and "Information Hotel" was current on the ATIS. Mooney 33W wasn't too sharp, but he didn't let that stop him from talking to Approach Control.
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
Cleared for take-off...
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: "Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
- It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off...
Leaving Palo Alto one Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
XX: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
XX: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.
A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport) I heard an obvious student in a Cessna 152:
Ah Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final, final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!
A control tower prided itself on the speed of delivery of clearances
Aircraft (after hearing a high speed delivery). "You hear the speed I'm talking? That's the speed I'm listening."
ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.
" ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
Cessna:"Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"
XXXX: "roger"
Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"
XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there’s a darn horn blaring in my ear!"
Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"
XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"
Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw ****."
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."
A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"
Female teminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request: "Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for three weeks."
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"
Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"
Some People Just Never Listen
ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.
ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.
Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"
how slow can you go?
It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this...
Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!"
Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
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Whilst assisting a controller on a sortie doing numerous PIs in the Valley Trg Area along the lines of ...
The pilot must have gotten bored or had a moment of clarity ...
And they say it isn't complusory?!
Pilot : "XXXX Identifies on black, low wing monoplane, RAF roundels ..... Aircraft manoeuvres aggresively!"
FC : "Hostile, engage!"
FC : "Hostile, engage!"
Pilot : "XXXX Identifies one black, low wing monoplane, RAF roundels .... Aircraft manoeuvres SUGGESTIVELY!"
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Location: door or ramp, don't mind.
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During Saif Sareea following endex....
Wheezy Sea Queen is struggling back to Mum only to be spectacularly overtaken by a mighty Chinny (complete with two landrovers dangling underneath).
Ch to SK "Wanna lift? We've still got one hook free"
SK to Ch....."Fcuking w@nker"
Ch to SK "That's 'fcuking w@nker, SIR"
Well how were they to know OC18 was driving?
Wheezy Sea Queen is struggling back to Mum only to be spectacularly overtaken by a mighty Chinny (complete with two landrovers dangling underneath).
Ch to SK "Wanna lift? We've still got one hook free"
SK to Ch....."Fcuking w@nker"
Ch to SK "That's 'fcuking w@nker, SIR"
Well how were they to know OC18 was driving?
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ATC
Aircraft with clearance through East Midlands in the dim and distant ....
"Castledon Approach, G-XXX passing three miles east abeam at 4,000 feet"
ATC: "G-XXX you were cleared for three miles WEST abeam".
Short silence, then: "Your right - somebody's put my chair in back to front."
"Castledon Approach, G-XXX passing three miles east abeam at 4,000 feet"
ATC: "G-XXX you were cleared for three miles WEST abeam".
Short silence, then: "Your right - somebody's put my chair in back to front."