Best reply heard?
Drain Bamaged
eeeheehee
I know, I already posted this one a thousand time:
Friend of mine, ATC'er working a departure frequency after an Airshow in Canada. And trying to take care of a CF-18.
"Hard 22, what is your heading ?"
"......"
"Hard twenty two, what is your heading ?"
"..........."
"HARD 22, WHAT IS YOUR HEADING ?"
"......I'm not heading, I'm climing...."
Friend of mine, ATC'er working a departure frequency after an Airshow in Canada. And trying to take care of a CF-18.
"Hard 22, what is your heading ?"
"......"
"Hard twenty two, what is your heading ?"
"..........."
"HARD 22, WHAT IS YOUR HEADING ?"
"......I'm not heading, I'm climing...."
Join Date: Jan 2005
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Monitoring guard a few weeks ago, only able to hear one side of the conversation between London and an unknown ac:
ATC: Last station this is London Centre, you're on guard.
(silence)
ATC: Last station this is London Centre, you're still on guard.
(silence)
ATC: Last station this is London Centre, I don't know who you are or why you're chatting on guard, but I have your expletives on tape...
ATC: Last station this is London Centre, you're on guard.
(silence)
ATC: Last station this is London Centre, you're still on guard.
(silence)
ATC: Last station this is London Centre, I don't know who you are or why you're chatting on guard, but I have your expletives on tape...
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Not quite a reply but…’Relatively’ quiet FM Ch 16 in the Persian Gulf, we’re on our way up to the north at medium level. P1 is very bored of the transit and thinks no one else on the crew is listening to the FM box. In his best ‘Abu from The Simpsons’ accent, he transmits ‘Shut Up You B***ARDS!’ Ch 16 very rapidly fills up with cross modulation, Arabic music, the sound track from a porn film and verbal abuse of every kind and in every accent imaginable. The bedlam continues with no further prompting from the flight deck till we descend to join the CVN battle group.
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One Actual, One Apocryphal
I was flying an army helicopter at STANTA during the 90s alongside two Wessex from Benson. One of the Wessex crew was the Station Commander who was doing his CR check. On day two both Wessex went (semi long term) unserviceable and I offered a 'get you home' ticket to Staish 'after I've done a quick 20 minute recce with the CO of the infantry battalion'. Staish was delighted and when I got back he came up to me with all the maps, NOTAMS and airfield bookings fully prepared (very professionally). We set off for Benson after a quick suck of fuel and he did sticks and poles whilst I did the radio & nav. The weather was poor so we flew at fairly low level the whole way and didn't get a hold of Benson until just a few minutes before the MATZ boundary. The conversation went as follows:
Me: Benson, Army Air 625, Good Afternoon.
ATC: Army Air 625 pass your message.
Me: Army Air 625, currently fifteen miles North of the field, request joining instructions.
ATC (Very curt and condescending voice): Army Air 625, Benson is a PPR airfield, you are not booked in and we might well not be able or prepared to accept you this time. Standby (hurrumph before pressel released).
(Station Commander offers me control and takes over the radio)
Station Commander (no preamble): There are Five Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty reasons why you should know that Army Air 625 is booked in to Benson.
(An RAF Form 5250 was, apparently, an Officers Annual Confidential Report).
Thirty second pause.....
ATC (new controller): Army Air 625 is cleared direct to Station Headquarters HLS, Active runway 01 , QFE 1001, Circuit Clear.
Station Commander: OC Ops to report outside my office before I get there. Hat required. No further transmissions.
Stony silence in cockpit for a few seconds followed by charming farewell as he got out rotors running and stomped off to grip the miscreant...
Apocryphal tale from Wattisham during the Lightning era
Several Lightning squadrons had launched on an exercise with only Wattisham, Binbrook and Waddington having suitable, serviceable approach aids. A crash at Binbrook made the airfield black and Waddington went below minima, leaving only Wattisham available. Anglia Radar had been struggling to vector people somewhere suitable for several vital minutes……..
Lightning: Wattisham Approach, Lightning 007 request radar vectors PAR.
ATC: Lightning 007 Squawk 2345, turn right heading 210. Descend report level 1500’ on Wattisham QFE 1017, expect radar vectors RWY 05, nine similar type ahead, expect four minute delay.
Lightning: Lightning 007, Mayday, fuel priority.
ATC: Lightning 007 your Mayday acknowledged. You are number eight with seven Maydays ahead and one on. Expect four minute delay.
(Does anyone know if this is an accurate version of events?)
Me: Benson, Army Air 625, Good Afternoon.
ATC: Army Air 625 pass your message.
Me: Army Air 625, currently fifteen miles North of the field, request joining instructions.
ATC (Very curt and condescending voice): Army Air 625, Benson is a PPR airfield, you are not booked in and we might well not be able or prepared to accept you this time. Standby (hurrumph before pressel released).
(Station Commander offers me control and takes over the radio)
Station Commander (no preamble): There are Five Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty reasons why you should know that Army Air 625 is booked in to Benson.
(An RAF Form 5250 was, apparently, an Officers Annual Confidential Report).
Thirty second pause.....
ATC (new controller): Army Air 625 is cleared direct to Station Headquarters HLS, Active runway 01 , QFE 1001, Circuit Clear.
Station Commander: OC Ops to report outside my office before I get there. Hat required. No further transmissions.
Stony silence in cockpit for a few seconds followed by charming farewell as he got out rotors running and stomped off to grip the miscreant...
Apocryphal tale from Wattisham during the Lightning era
Several Lightning squadrons had launched on an exercise with only Wattisham, Binbrook and Waddington having suitable, serviceable approach aids. A crash at Binbrook made the airfield black and Waddington went below minima, leaving only Wattisham available. Anglia Radar had been struggling to vector people somewhere suitable for several vital minutes……..
Lightning: Wattisham Approach, Lightning 007 request radar vectors PAR.
ATC: Lightning 007 Squawk 2345, turn right heading 210. Descend report level 1500’ on Wattisham QFE 1017, expect radar vectors RWY 05, nine similar type ahead, expect four minute delay.
Lightning: Lightning 007, Mayday, fuel priority.
ATC: Lightning 007 your Mayday acknowledged. You are number eight with seven Maydays ahead and one on. Expect four minute delay.
(Does anyone know if this is an accurate version of events?)
Yes, Him
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Akrotiri tower 1971-ish.
A new-fangled, high-tech (cough!) thing called an Electro-writer had been installed on trial. This wonder consisted of two boxes, one in local and one in approach. Each had a pen mounted on a pantograph type thing and a roll of paper. Whatever was written on the one would simultaneously write on the other--sort of instant fax.
Just after it was installed, SATCO was in local when the thing scribbled out a noughts and crosses grid wiith an "X" in the top left sector.
SATCO took the pen and wrote out: "This is an expensive machine and should not be used for trivial time-wasting games, SATCO"
Seconds later came the reply:"This is the Station Commander. Play."
Can't remeber the SATCO's name, but the Station Master was Bill Stacey.
A new-fangled, high-tech (cough!) thing called an Electro-writer had been installed on trial. This wonder consisted of two boxes, one in local and one in approach. Each had a pen mounted on a pantograph type thing and a roll of paper. Whatever was written on the one would simultaneously write on the other--sort of instant fax.
Just after it was installed, SATCO was in local when the thing scribbled out a noughts and crosses grid wiith an "X" in the top left sector.
SATCO took the pen and wrote out: "This is an expensive machine and should not be used for trivial time-wasting games, SATCO"
Seconds later came the reply:"This is the Station Commander. Play."
Can't remeber the SATCO's name, but the Station Master was Bill Stacey.
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Right airfield, wrong runway ?
In Florida, a tyro on a cross country excercise calls (I think it was) Keystone.
Tyro : Keystone Traffic, N XXXX inbound for landing to full stop runway 24
Keystone : We don't have a runway 24 here
Tryo : Cool
Transmmission ends.
Tyro : Keystone Traffic, N XXXX inbound for landing to full stop runway 24
Keystone : We don't have a runway 24 here
Tryo : Cool
Transmmission ends.
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Gainsy, yes I remember that incident well except I thought it was Mike Beavis, OC Bomber, although you might be right about Stacey, don't remember him as Bill though.
Could start a whole new thread about Stacey, one of the most charismatic stn cdrs I have ever met. Like his swansong when he flew all the types on the base in one day. I understand that the SAR crew landed on the beach after they had fished him from Limasol Bay having jumped out of a Herc. He flew the chopper back - they went by road.
He awarded himself para wings after doing a set of water jumps. No one was going to tell an Air Cdre that he had to do P-Sqn.
Or the post-flight beers he used to have dispensed in the VIP lounge and charge to mess guests. "I'm off chaps, just tell the steward what you want." Or the Ladies Room off-limits as it was his private room in the mess.
And the SLRs etc etc.
Could start a whole new thread about Stacey, one of the most charismatic stn cdrs I have ever met. Like his swansong when he flew all the types on the base in one day. I understand that the SAR crew landed on the beach after they had fished him from Limasol Bay having jumped out of a Herc. He flew the chopper back - they went by road.
He awarded himself para wings after doing a set of water jumps. No one was going to tell an Air Cdre that he had to do P-Sqn.
Or the post-flight beers he used to have dispensed in the VIP lounge and charge to mess guests. "I'm off chaps, just tell the steward what you want." Or the Ladies Room off-limits as it was his private room in the mess.
And the SLRs etc etc.
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Probing and warning off training for big grey boats: engaged in a long diatribe about right to operate conduct exercises in international waters etc:
"Unidentified Avalonian Aircraft, this is xxx warship. Indentify your playmate" (MPA was snooping around the sides)
"Warship, this is Avalonian Aircraft. We are playing with ourselves..."
"bwa hahahha"
"Bruiser, bruiser, bruiser...."
"Bugger"
"Unidentified Avalonian Aircraft, this is xxx warship. Indentify your playmate" (MPA was snooping around the sides)
"Warship, this is Avalonian Aircraft. We are playing with ourselves..."
"bwa hahahha"
"Bruiser, bruiser, bruiser...."
"Bugger"
Yes, Him
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T'was definitely Stacey, I was there.
Do you remember his personalised long wheelbase Land Rover? No top, gloss white overall, chrome hubcaps and white-wall tyres? I almost ran into the back of it when he stopped dead to bollock some poor bloke who had failed to salute him. After he'd had a word, he turned round shouted "Sorry about that" and drove off.
Apologies for drift, whittering on...
Oh, yes, when i aws at Wittering....
Do you remember his personalised long wheelbase Land Rover? No top, gloss white overall, chrome hubcaps and white-wall tyres? I almost ran into the back of it when he stopped dead to bollock some poor bloke who had failed to salute him. After he'd had a word, he turned round shouted "Sorry about that" and drove off.
Apologies for drift, whittering on...
Oh, yes, when i aws at Wittering....
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Gainsy, After one exercise NEAF told the staish that they had followed him all round Akrotiri using the PR Canberras from Luqa.
Next week Stacey's Landrover is camouflaged. High gloss polyurethene Vulcan paint complete with the chrome grab rails around the back. When challenged in the bar as to why (one of 56, Dave Cyster I think) he responded that everyone knew who he was so it was now time to go tactical.
Next week Stacey's Landrover is camouflaged. High gloss polyurethene Vulcan paint complete with the chrome grab rails around the back. When challenged in the bar as to why (one of 56, Dave Cyster I think) he responded that everyone knew who he was so it was now time to go tactical.
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Day three of my first front line tour returning to Aldergrove from the South trying a little too hard to impress my experienced training officer. The joining call went along the lines of:
"Aldergrove App, this V26 NO V38, 10 miles to the North NO South to join from the EAST no WEST"
The prompt reply from ATC,
"Roger V38 you appear to have us surrounded!"
"Aldergrove App, this V26 NO V38, 10 miles to the North NO South to join from the EAST no WEST"
The prompt reply from ATC,
"Roger V38 you appear to have us surrounded!"
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This one was my pleasure off of the Fresno Air Terminal (FAT) during a scorching summer in a Shorts 360 in '89:
Fresno ATC: "Wescom XX, give me your best rate to 8000."
Me: "Roger best rate, but be advised I have a load in my Shorts."
ATC Frequency: (s i l e n c e... then a keyed mike with much laughter)
Fresno ATC: "Wescom XX, give me your best rate to 8000."
Me: "Roger best rate, but be advised I have a load in my Shorts."
ATC Frequency: (s i l e n c e... then a keyed mike with much laughter)
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Sequenced Number two behind a 50% Focke Wolf 190 replica...
And said with much glee!
"....wilco number two behind the little Focker...."
Was about to taxy and nearly peed pants!
"....wilco number two behind the little Focker...."
Was about to taxy and nearly peed pants!
Combine Operations
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Aprocryphal, probably, but anyway:
A pilot was doing his daily task, which was towing a target for the RA bods to shoot at. One round went off a bit too close for comfort, and he called control.
"You chaps do realise I'm pulling this target, not pushing it, don't you?"
A pilot was doing his daily task, which was towing a target for the RA bods to shoot at. One round went off a bit too close for comfort, and he called control.
"You chaps do realise I'm pulling this target, not pushing it, don't you?"
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Aaah, the (apocryphal) light-house story...
Gentleman Aviator
And shortly following the lighthouse, I guess we'll get the "funny-responses-to-Tech Log/F700-entries"............