Harrier Crash Video
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In 2000, I was lucky enough to be on detachment at NAS Jacksonville. Whilst rationing for the flight later that day in the BX/Navy Exchange, my friend and I were approached by a civvy bloke who was aged about 60. Bearing in mind we were in uniform with UJ badges on them he asked us "hey are you guys British?". We looked at each other whilst trying not to laugh and replied "er yes!". "Wow", was his reply. "Do you guys have towns and cities in Britain? Do you listen to music and watch TV like we do in the States?" My friend replied "yes, and we all live in castles, have butlers and servants and take tea with the Queen on a Sunday." Civvy bloke walked away muttering "you Brits are so cool .......... 
The best one I heard was on a crusie ship sailing out of Hong Kong harbour when a loud American voice said, "Well, I have to say the Chinatown in Los Angeles is much better than their Chinatown"
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Yep, the level of awareness in Spamland just makes the mind boggle.
I have been asked there if the UK has cars, electricity, tv.....
followed by utter refusal to believe that the UK (well, us Scots usually....
) invented telephones and tv, amongst other fairly important bits like the jet engine and half of their early nuclear weapon technology....
I think that generally, the mentally retarded pond-life in Britain keep a low-ish profile relative to their loud yank cousins who wear a lack of education as a badge of honour.
(boy with slightly-too-large-head sits on porch playing banjo)
"We vorted-in Dubya agaiiiin caurse we're the Yoooo Esssss ain we're kickin' everyone's asssss agaiinn! USA! USA! Myrtle, go git me another Bud..."
Don't get me wrong, I love visiting the States, like Corvettes, but can't stand their 'beer'. All they need to do is spend the next couple of hundred years learning humility and decorum once in a while.
ST
I have been asked there if the UK has cars, electricity, tv.....
followed by utter refusal to believe that the UK (well, us Scots usually....
) invented telephones and tv, amongst other fairly important bits like the jet engine and half of their early nuclear weapon technology....I think that generally, the mentally retarded pond-life in Britain keep a low-ish profile relative to their loud yank cousins who wear a lack of education as a badge of honour.
(boy with slightly-too-large-head sits on porch playing banjo)
"We vorted-in Dubya agaiiiin caurse we're the Yoooo Esssss ain we're kickin' everyone's asssss agaiinn! USA! USA! Myrtle, go git me another Bud..."
Don't get me wrong, I love visiting the States, like Corvettes, but can't stand their 'beer'. All they need to do is spend the next couple of hundred years learning humility and decorum once in a while.
ST
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Through Uncle Sam's Eyes.
Heard one (rare) hot, summers's day at the Giant's Causeway in 'Norn Iron'.
Very large, cigar chomping, multi camera toting american tourist surveys the causeway for several minutes and comments to his even larger wife, "Gee, it must have cost a fortune to get these rocks in here!"
Doh!
Very large, cigar chomping, multi camera toting american tourist surveys the causeway for several minutes and comments to his even larger wife, "Gee, it must have cost a fortune to get these rocks in here!"
Doh!
Dumb wench in some spam bar learns that the Vulcan navigator chatting her up comes from Lincoln.
"Lincoln - hey, d'ya think they named it after our president?"
Mark you when I was once asked in the Offutt BX what 'RAF' stood for on my flying suit, I replied "Russian Air Force. We come to see your Americanski missile target plan....."
Dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb.......
"Lincoln - hey, d'ya think they named it after our president?"
Mark you when I was once asked in the Offutt BX what 'RAF' stood for on my flying suit, I replied "Russian Air Force. We come to see your Americanski missile target plan....."
Dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb.......
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I was walking through the Little Creek (Virginia Beach) Exchange car park last year, dressed in a flying suit (spam), Brit RN rank tabs sewn in, Brit RN Ensign on shoulder.
Very elderley gentleman comes up to me and says:
"Say sonny, are you German - was I fightin' your grandpappy in the war?"
"Terribly sorry you must be mistaken (says I in broadest Hampshire accent) - I'm British"
"Ahh (says grandad) - I musta then been fightin' alongside your grandpappy against those pesky Germans" Then he starts laughing uncontrollably and walks off.
Quality
Oggin
Something we could do of course:
To the citizens of the United States of America:-
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop
your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we dont believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to
as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
I love 'em really
Very elderley gentleman comes up to me and says:
"Say sonny, are you German - was I fightin' your grandpappy in the war?"
"Terribly sorry you must be mistaken (says I in broadest Hampshire accent) - I'm British"
"Ahh (says grandad) - I musta then been fightin' alongside your grandpappy against those pesky Germans" Then he starts laughing uncontrollably and walks off.
Quality
Oggin
Something we could do of course:
To the citizens of the United States of America:-
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop
your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we dont believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to
as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
I love 'em really
Last edited by Oggin Aviator; 16th Nov 2004 at 21:16.
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Hahaha, that was pretty good. Only one problem.
What exactly is the problem with Quebec? Perhaps it is the french language that you have a problem with? In that case, you will have to blow up most of the Maritimes as well. Canada may not be willing to overlook even a tiny little trespass like that. Sorry for the inconvenience.
JC
"They say that lies can run around the world before the truth has got it's boots on, but watch out! Because once the boots are on, you are in for a good kicking..."
What exactly is the problem with Quebec? Perhaps it is the french language that you have a problem with? In that case, you will have to blow up most of the Maritimes as well. Canada may not be willing to overlook even a tiny little trespass like that. Sorry for the inconvenience.
JC
"They say that lies can run around the world before the truth has got it's boots on, but watch out! Because once the boots are on, you are in for a good kicking..."
I once got told that when the US became independent they spoke the same version of English as us. They still use that version, it's our version that has changed............perhaps
There's a nasty undercurrent flowing here. I'm a Brit, and mighty proud of it, but I have an enormous admiration for the USA.
I've travelled all over the US and NEVER experienced anything other than a warm welcome. I bet they can't say the same of us.
I've travelled all over the US and NEVER experienced anything other than a warm welcome. I bet they can't say the same of us.
Thread Starter
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Max Burner
In all seriousness, there is no seriousness in this thread that I see...just some goodhearted ribbing of some typical internet ignorance. Hell, if you can't laugh at the stupidity displayed in some (most) of the comments on that site (and the comments here), then I think we really have a probelm!
As a member of the USAF I was stationed and have traveled to the UK on numerous occassions, and find the Brits to be very friendly. Despite the banter that goes on in this forum, I still believe that our two countries get along better than any other two in the world.
Now, while everyone gets done
, I will sit back and take the usual 
comments such as these 
!
Cheers! M2
In all seriousness, there is no seriousness in this thread that I see...just some goodhearted ribbing of some typical internet ignorance. Hell, if you can't laugh at the stupidity displayed in some (most) of the comments on that site (and the comments here), then I think we really have a probelm!
As a member of the USAF I was stationed and have traveled to the UK on numerous occassions, and find the Brits to be very friendly. Despite the banter that goes on in this forum, I still believe that our two countries get along better than any other two in the world.
Now, while everyone gets done
, I will sit back and take the usual comments such as these !Cheers! M2
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Re the comment
"In all seriousness, there is no seriousness in this thread that I see...just some goodhearted ribbing of some typical internet ignorance. Hell, if you can't laugh at the stupidity displayed in some (most) of the comments on that site (and the comments here), then I think we really have a probelm!"
I suppose if you were a Spanish football fan you could say the same to Shaun Wright-Philips.
"In all seriousness, there is no seriousness in this thread that I see...just some goodhearted ribbing of some typical internet ignorance. Hell, if you can't laugh at the stupidity displayed in some (most) of the comments on that site (and the comments here), then I think we really have a probelm!"
I suppose if you were a Spanish football fan you could say the same to Shaun Wright-Philips.
I think someone summed up the UK and USA like this once:-
'They are like cousins; sometimes they don't get on and they have a squabble, they think it's the end of the world and they both feel a bit hurt. But just like cousins - if they are crossed - they are there for each other'.
Seems OK to me.
'They are like cousins; sometimes they don't get on and they have a squabble, they think it's the end of the world and they both feel a bit hurt. But just like cousins - if they are crossed - they are there for each other'.
Seems OK to me.
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I always find it amusing listening to Eagle drivers telling London Mil that they want to enter low level at "Stabs Head" (St Abbs Head)
And there is always "Attention Low Fly Area 7" broadcasts on the low level "quiet" frequency!
Still, when they fly at 500ft "low level" they are only going to be mixing it with the Tutors anyway
And there is always "Attention Low Fly Area 7" broadcasts on the low level "quiet" frequency!
Still, when they fly at 500ft "low level" they are only going to be mixing it with the Tutors anyway
There was once a famous F111 call of "All stations, this is (F111) entering low level area 7 at Lanindord....Ladrindod....Lardinrod....the hell with it! 5 miles northa' Booolth Wells!"
Always liked the definition of the difference between a Brit and a Yank:
The Brit thinks 200 miles is a long way and the Yank thinks 200 years is a long time!
(Don't think it's insulting to either country before anyone complains)
The Brit thinks 200 miles is a long way and the Yank thinks 200 years is a long time!
(Don't think it's insulting to either country before anyone complains)
To the citizens of the United States of America:-
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. ( WE TOOK THIS ONCE AT THE HEIGHT OF ENGLISH POWER…KEEP IT UP AND WE’LL TAKE YOURS) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume (CANNOT RESUME SOMETHING SHE NEVER STARTED) monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. (WARNING; DON’T PISS OFF THE MORMANS) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. (THOUGHT HE WAS THE DEPUTY VICE PRESIDENT FOR BRITISH AFFAIRS ALREADY) Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. (IRRELEVANT…ARE SUGGESTING WE SHOULD ADOPT A SCREAMING MATCH LIKE YOUR PARLIAMENT TO LEAD THE FREE WORLD?)To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, (CHANGE TO DEPENDENT BRITISH CROWN) the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop
your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. (WOULD HUMOR YOU IF I COULD FIND AN OXFORD DICTIONARY AND THE EFITE ATTENTION TO DETAIL IN THIS REGARD WAS RELEVENT BEYOND SOME ANAL, NARCISISTIC, PURSUIT…THINK WE’LL LEAVE IT AS IT IS.)
2. There is no such thing as "US English" (IS NOW….LIKE MELTING POLAR ICE CAPS YOU CAN’T DO **** ABOUT IT EITHER). We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents (AGAIN, NO REQUIREMENT FOR THIS…ONLY AUSSIE/ENGLISH DISTINCTION THAT SHOULD BE MADE IS BETWEEN THE AUSSIE AND ENGLISH WOMEN….AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF VISUAL CLUES TO HELP US BARBARIANS FIGURE OUT THE MOST DESIRABLE). It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier) (WE DON’T WATCH FRAZIER FOR DAPHNE’S VOICE SO IT’S NOT CLEAR WHAT THE ISSUE IS…SHE DOES HAVE GREAT LEGS AND A NICE ASS THOUGH) . You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" (WHAT THE HELL IS A TAGGART? SOUNDS LIKE A HEADACHE PILL) will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire. (LOUISIANA HAS A STRONG FRENCH HERITAGE…SO WE DON’T CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT THAT…AS FOR THE REST…BE CAREFUL OR WE’LL TURN LONDONSHIRE TO GLASS)
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys (C’MON…CHARACTERS HAVE TO BE BELIEVABLE). Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms (DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD ‘EM…SEND US SOME COPIES TO REVIEW AND WE’LL GET BACK TO YOU) such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" (NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE BRIT FASCINATION WITH DWARFS…SOMETHING PSYOCHOLOGICAL ABOUT SIZE ISSUES MAYBE?)
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who can't cope with the humour (SP!) of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through. (STATEMENTS LIKE THIS WILL GET YOU HURT REAL BAD…AND IF GOD WANTED IT TO BE ANY OTHER WAY HE WOULD HAVE ALLOWED YOU TO END OUR WAR OF INDEPENDENCE SWIFTLY IN YOUR FAVOR, RATHER THAN HAVE YOU EXHAUST YOURSELVES OVER NINE YEARS OF CAPTURE THE FLAG…ONLY TO HAVE YOURSELF BOMBED BACK INTO THE SEA UNDER A FRENCH AUDIENCE…WE SOLD THE TICKETS)
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. (OK…LINE UP YOUR TEAM AGAINST OURS AND SAY “HIKE”…I LIKE THE ODDS…SEE YOU AFTER THE GAME)
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. (SO…RUGBY IS A GIRLS GAME BY ADMISSION I SEE…ACTUALLY I WASN’T GOING TO BE THAT HARSH…GOOD TRAINING FOR REAL FOOTBALL) Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America (THE JAPANESE, CANADIANS AND THE CONTINENT OF SOUTH AMERICA AND THE CHINESE TEAMS DON’T AGREE….GUESS YOU BETTER GET MR. BOND OUT IN THE WORLD TO COLLECT SOME INTEL). Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. (MAYBE ENGLISH GIRLS CONCENTRATE ON THIS KIND OF GAME…OURS CONCNETRATE MORE ON BEING WOMEN…WHICH IS WHY YOU LIKE THEM MORE THAN YOUR OWN. THE REALLY COOL THING IS…THEY CAN KICK YOUR ASS TOO)
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. (FINE WITH US…BUT DIDN’T NEED YOUR PERMISSION) The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys (SO THE NUCLEAR ARSENAL POINTED AT WASHINGTON AND IOWA WAS JUST A FRIENDLY GESTURE? AND ALL THOSE EAST GERMANS JUST ABOUT DIED LAUGHING OVER THAT WALL THING…WHAT A HOOT!). "Merde" is French for "****". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. (NOW THIS IS FUNNY…IT’S HOW WE GOT OUR INDEPENDENCE…AND HOW WE’LL KEEP IT) You will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we dont believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, (ITS NOT THE HANDLING THAT SEEMS TO UPSET WEAKASS PEOPLE…ITS OUR PROCLIVITY FOR USING THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE) you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
(WELL, THANKS TO OUR INDECISIVE LEADERSHIP AND INDECISIVE PEOPLE YOU ARE WRITING THIS LETTER IN ENGLISH INSTEAD OF GERMAN….YOUR WELCOME)
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. (ARE YOU SUGGESTING CRAP IS FOR OUR OWN GOOD?) When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. (WE’VE SEEN ‘EM…PRETTY NICE…BOUGHT THEIR COMPANIES RIGHT AFTER WE BOUGHT JAGUAR…MIGHT SEND YOU AN AID PACKAGE OF VW PASSATS…STILL WANT THE STEERING WHEEL ON THE WRONG SIDE?)
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour. (ALL THIS WORKS IN LITTLE BITTY TINY COUNTRIES…IN THE BIG LEAGUES…WE PRETTY MUCH HAVE IT FIGURED OUT…BUT THANKS FOR YOUR LITTLE INPUT)
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. (WHAT’S YOUR POINT?)Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat (INDIFFERENCE TO YOUR STRIPPERS WHO ARE COLD AND FLAT). Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. (MIGHT WANT TO GIVE FOOD A WIDE BERTH…YOU ARE NOT KNOWN FOR YOUR MENUS PAL….FAVORITE ENGLISH FOODS ARE FOREIGN …CURRY AND CHINESE…FOR GOOD REASON)
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. (WON’T WORK, SALT MELTS THE ICE AND DILUTES THE SUGAR)
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to
as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion. (ARE THERE ANY PRODUCTS FROM ENGLAND YOU WANT TO TRY AND DEFEND? HEY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PRODUCE ANYWAY?)
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it). (RE-READ THIS…YOU SEE THIS AS A GOOD PLAN?)
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. (NOT TRUE…GOTTA LEARN TO HANDLE WEAPONS AS A CHILD TO MAKE YOUR PROFECIENT AS AN ADULT) If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun. (THE GUNS ARE FOR THE THERAPISTS AND LAWYERS…MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER YOUR OWN LAWYERS…MEN RUNNING AROUND IN DRESSES AND WIGS, INFLUENCING THE DISPOSITION OF THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT MAY NOT BE THE BEST WAY TO ENSURE JUSTICE IN SOCIETY)
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. (THAT SECRET IS IN AREA 52…YEAH, AREA 51 IS A RED HERRING…THAT’S ALL THE CLUES YOU GET….OUGHT TO DIAL UP BROTHER HOLMES)
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). (WE’LL TOSS HIM INTO THE HARBOR WITH THE TEA…THEN WE’LL HAVE PARTY AND POP A SIX PACK OF NEAR-FROZEN GNAT’S URINE AND TALK TRASH ABOUT YOUR WOMEN)
Sorry, missed this bit:
I received this reply to the "revocation" banter from an American ally with whom I work - NB he is from South Georgia (Deliverance country) and is a member of the NRA and his uniform is festooned with weapons and cutlery of all shapes and sizes.
And another:
To the Citizens of the (not very) United Kingdom,
In the light of your failure to maintain your empire, "lost" (what, did it roll under a chest of drawers?) somewhere between the events depicted in the movies "Kyhber Pass" and "Zulu Dawn," and the ongoing inability of your nation to win anything at all in the Olympic Games since that "Chariots of Fire" guy, we hereby annex the British Isles as the 51st state. The Queen, since she\'s a nice lady, is hereby declared hereditary Governor of Britainshire, and when she croaks, you will fall under US election law, which means you must adopt an equally silly system as we have, of your choice. To aid in the transition to the State of Britainshire, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "creeping obsolescence" in the Webster\'s Dictionary. Then, look up "consistency," "platinum" and compare to "aluminum." "Torches" will be properly termed "flashlights," as torches went out with burning pitch. A "boot" is something on your foot, and a "bonnet" is an antique hat on a lady\'s head. No one will "knock up" anyone anymore unless they are willing to pay child support, and anyone getting stuffed will merely be enjoying a good meal, which is something that is unknown inside of the old UK outside of a curry shop. You may keep all your cursing on television, however, you must insist all British actors pronounce "fooking" correctly when they do. Additionally, all confusing place names, such as Kensington/Kennington, or Upper/Middle/Lower Anything, will be consolidated and laid out on proper grids, with some semblance of rhyme and reason to their mapping.
2. You may continue to use "The Queen\'s English" as long as you like in conversation, but all written communication will be in Microsoft Standard, all hail to Bill. Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.
3. You will learn to distinguish between Boston, New York, and Chicago accents. It\'s really not that hard. Neither are Texas, North Carolina, and Arkansas. Everyone doesn\'t talk like J.R. Ewing, John Wayne, or Ben Affleck. Emulate Morgan Freeman, and you\'ll be fine, and remember, it\'s a "line," a "queue" is a word with too many "ue\'s."
4. Hollywood will allow James Bond to still be played by a Brit, but he will have to drive a German car from now on, and carry a German handgun, Jaguar will have to be owned by a German company, Minis will have to be produced by BMW, all Opels will be known as Vauxhalls, Trident missiles will all have to be of US design - oh, wait, that\'s all true already. Comedians on "Whose Line Is It Anyway" will be allowed to be British again, and contestants on "Weakest Link" will get to win more than the price of two dry ciders at a decent pub.
5. You can keep the music of your national anthem as the new state song, but you have to change the words to "My Country \'Tis of Thee," but only after apologizing abjectly for the state of all British pop music after The Beatles and The Stones, specifically, George Michael and the Spice Girls.
6. You must stop playing "Cricket." Any game named after a chitinous locust-like insect and synonymous with "fair play" might as well be bottled as expectorant then banned from public view for the shame of it all. Even if children want to play it in the back lots, they can\'t wear pads all over their legs every time they go up to try to bat the ball. Take your lumps like men, and wear a simple helmet. The Pakistanis have far surpassed you in this endeavor (yes, no "u") anyway. How the mighty have fallen. Instead of cricket, stick to darts, which, along with golf, is the pinnacle of British contribution to world sport. And learn to play proper pocket billiards, "snooker" sounds like some unnatural act they do down in Soho.
7. After kicking Napoleon\'s ass in 1815, you failed to finish the French off, so don\'t start on your new fatherland about trying to take care of the Frogs. If you\'d done it right in the first place, they wouldn\'t be bothering either of us now. And you will all be required to own guns. An armed society is a polite society. You will also have to give up all of your surveillance cameras, which have kept Asian manufacturers in business for the last twenty years. Most of them don\'t work anyway, and the only ones watching them are your "reality TV" shows because they\'ve cut the police budgets again. And all your taxes on televisions are now repealed, since a TV in every room is a God-given American Right - it\'s there in the constitution, I\'m sure of it.
8. The warm swill you refer to as "beer" will be mandatory to be served chilled, or mixed into the fertilizer and spread on the plowed fields. One or the other, you decide. The new standard will be German lager served in a British pint glass, or American beer from a bottle, everything served at 1 degree C.
9. Your police officers will be issued real weapons with real bullets. This will allow them to do more than say "STOP! Or I\'ll...I\'ll shout STOP again!" when a citizen is being assaulted. The can keep the funny hats, mostly for tourist value. The same with those Buckingham Palace guards, those hats are way cool.
10. Your weather will be altered by cutting-edge scientific means to resemble something where actual people would actually live, given an actual choice. Any time your rainfall exceeds that of the Amazon, you will be required to skip afternoon tea and bail out your streets in your macks and rubbers.
11. Pub owners, as well as their patrons, will be treated as adults, that is, not be forced to go home at some ungodly hour like 1 or 2am, as if they were teenagers with a curfew. There will be no more state Church, which will allow all pedophile priests of whatever rite to compete on a free-market basis instead of being state-subsidized.
12. All bacon will be cooked to a crisp, rather than left lying limp in a puddle of grease next to the cold broiled tomatoes and cold toast and room-temperature milk and juice. And Weetabix, no more Weetabix. EVER. Or anything based on pure yeast.
13. Please tell us which of your MI5 traitors sold the nuclear secrets to the present rogue states for cheap Russian tarts, we can\'t keep them all straight.
14. All of your sterling will be converted one-for-one for dollars, thus ending the pockets-full of heavy coins of a dozen nonsensical sizes and the need to hunt for the "Pound" symbol on a proper keyboard.
15. Dental care will mandatory for all Britainshire citizens from henceforth.
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. ( WE TOOK THIS ONCE AT THE HEIGHT OF ENGLISH POWER…KEEP IT UP AND WE’LL TAKE YOURS) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume (CANNOT RESUME SOMETHING SHE NEVER STARTED) monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. (WARNING; DON’T PISS OFF THE MORMANS) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. (THOUGHT HE WAS THE DEPUTY VICE PRESIDENT FOR BRITISH AFFAIRS ALREADY) Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. (IRRELEVANT…ARE SUGGESTING WE SHOULD ADOPT A SCREAMING MATCH LIKE YOUR PARLIAMENT TO LEAD THE FREE WORLD?)To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, (CHANGE TO DEPENDENT BRITISH CROWN) the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop
your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. (WOULD HUMOR YOU IF I COULD FIND AN OXFORD DICTIONARY AND THE EFITE ATTENTION TO DETAIL IN THIS REGARD WAS RELEVENT BEYOND SOME ANAL, NARCISISTIC, PURSUIT…THINK WE’LL LEAVE IT AS IT IS.)
2. There is no such thing as "US English" (IS NOW….LIKE MELTING POLAR ICE CAPS YOU CAN’T DO **** ABOUT IT EITHER). We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents (AGAIN, NO REQUIREMENT FOR THIS…ONLY AUSSIE/ENGLISH DISTINCTION THAT SHOULD BE MADE IS BETWEEN THE AUSSIE AND ENGLISH WOMEN….AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF VISUAL CLUES TO HELP US BARBARIANS FIGURE OUT THE MOST DESIRABLE). It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier) (WE DON’T WATCH FRAZIER FOR DAPHNE’S VOICE SO IT’S NOT CLEAR WHAT THE ISSUE IS…SHE DOES HAVE GREAT LEGS AND A NICE ASS THOUGH) . You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" (WHAT THE HELL IS A TAGGART? SOUNDS LIKE A HEADACHE PILL) will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire. (LOUISIANA HAS A STRONG FRENCH HERITAGE…SO WE DON’T CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT THAT…AS FOR THE REST…BE CAREFUL OR WE’LL TURN LONDONSHIRE TO GLASS)
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys (C’MON…CHARACTERS HAVE TO BE BELIEVABLE). Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms (DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD ‘EM…SEND US SOME COPIES TO REVIEW AND WE’LL GET BACK TO YOU) such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" (NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE BRIT FASCINATION WITH DWARFS…SOMETHING PSYOCHOLOGICAL ABOUT SIZE ISSUES MAYBE?)
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who can't cope with the humour (SP!) of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through. (STATEMENTS LIKE THIS WILL GET YOU HURT REAL BAD…AND IF GOD WANTED IT TO BE ANY OTHER WAY HE WOULD HAVE ALLOWED YOU TO END OUR WAR OF INDEPENDENCE SWIFTLY IN YOUR FAVOR, RATHER THAN HAVE YOU EXHAUST YOURSELVES OVER NINE YEARS OF CAPTURE THE FLAG…ONLY TO HAVE YOURSELF BOMBED BACK INTO THE SEA UNDER A FRENCH AUDIENCE…WE SOLD THE TICKETS)
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. (OK…LINE UP YOUR TEAM AGAINST OURS AND SAY “HIKE”…I LIKE THE ODDS…SEE YOU AFTER THE GAME)
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. (SO…RUGBY IS A GIRLS GAME BY ADMISSION I SEE…ACTUALLY I WASN’T GOING TO BE THAT HARSH…GOOD TRAINING FOR REAL FOOTBALL) Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America (THE JAPANESE, CANADIANS AND THE CONTINENT OF SOUTH AMERICA AND THE CHINESE TEAMS DON’T AGREE….GUESS YOU BETTER GET MR. BOND OUT IN THE WORLD TO COLLECT SOME INTEL). Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. (MAYBE ENGLISH GIRLS CONCENTRATE ON THIS KIND OF GAME…OURS CONCNETRATE MORE ON BEING WOMEN…WHICH IS WHY YOU LIKE THEM MORE THAN YOUR OWN. THE REALLY COOL THING IS…THEY CAN KICK YOUR ASS TOO)
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. (FINE WITH US…BUT DIDN’T NEED YOUR PERMISSION) The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys (SO THE NUCLEAR ARSENAL POINTED AT WASHINGTON AND IOWA WAS JUST A FRIENDLY GESTURE? AND ALL THOSE EAST GERMANS JUST ABOUT DIED LAUGHING OVER THAT WALL THING…WHAT A HOOT!). "Merde" is French for "****". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. (NOW THIS IS FUNNY…IT’S HOW WE GOT OUR INDEPENDENCE…AND HOW WE’LL KEEP IT) You will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we dont believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, (ITS NOT THE HANDLING THAT SEEMS TO UPSET WEAKASS PEOPLE…ITS OUR PROCLIVITY FOR USING THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE) you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
(WELL, THANKS TO OUR INDECISIVE LEADERSHIP AND INDECISIVE PEOPLE YOU ARE WRITING THIS LETTER IN ENGLISH INSTEAD OF GERMAN….YOUR WELCOME)
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. (ARE YOU SUGGESTING CRAP IS FOR OUR OWN GOOD?) When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. (WE’VE SEEN ‘EM…PRETTY NICE…BOUGHT THEIR COMPANIES RIGHT AFTER WE BOUGHT JAGUAR…MIGHT SEND YOU AN AID PACKAGE OF VW PASSATS…STILL WANT THE STEERING WHEEL ON THE WRONG SIDE?)
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour. (ALL THIS WORKS IN LITTLE BITTY TINY COUNTRIES…IN THE BIG LEAGUES…WE PRETTY MUCH HAVE IT FIGURED OUT…BUT THANKS FOR YOUR LITTLE INPUT)
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. (WHAT’S YOUR POINT?)Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat (INDIFFERENCE TO YOUR STRIPPERS WHO ARE COLD AND FLAT). Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. (MIGHT WANT TO GIVE FOOD A WIDE BERTH…YOU ARE NOT KNOWN FOR YOUR MENUS PAL….FAVORITE ENGLISH FOODS ARE FOREIGN …CURRY AND CHINESE…FOR GOOD REASON)
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. (WON’T WORK, SALT MELTS THE ICE AND DILUTES THE SUGAR)
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to
as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion. (ARE THERE ANY PRODUCTS FROM ENGLAND YOU WANT TO TRY AND DEFEND? HEY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PRODUCE ANYWAY?)
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it). (RE-READ THIS…YOU SEE THIS AS A GOOD PLAN?)
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. (NOT TRUE…GOTTA LEARN TO HANDLE WEAPONS AS A CHILD TO MAKE YOUR PROFECIENT AS AN ADULT) If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun. (THE GUNS ARE FOR THE THERAPISTS AND LAWYERS…MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER YOUR OWN LAWYERS…MEN RUNNING AROUND IN DRESSES AND WIGS, INFLUENCING THE DISPOSITION OF THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT MAY NOT BE THE BEST WAY TO ENSURE JUSTICE IN SOCIETY)
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. (THAT SECRET IS IN AREA 52…YEAH, AREA 51 IS A RED HERRING…THAT’S ALL THE CLUES YOU GET….OUGHT TO DIAL UP BROTHER HOLMES)
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). (WE’LL TOSS HIM INTO THE HARBOR WITH THE TEA…THEN WE’LL HAVE PARTY AND POP A SIX PACK OF NEAR-FROZEN GNAT’S URINE AND TALK TRASH ABOUT YOUR WOMEN)
Sorry, missed this bit:
I received this reply to the "revocation" banter from an American ally with whom I work - NB he is from South Georgia (Deliverance country) and is a member of the NRA and his uniform is festooned with weapons and cutlery of all shapes and sizes.
And another:
To the Citizens of the (not very) United Kingdom,
In the light of your failure to maintain your empire, "lost" (what, did it roll under a chest of drawers?) somewhere between the events depicted in the movies "Kyhber Pass" and "Zulu Dawn," and the ongoing inability of your nation to win anything at all in the Olympic Games since that "Chariots of Fire" guy, we hereby annex the British Isles as the 51st state. The Queen, since she\'s a nice lady, is hereby declared hereditary Governor of Britainshire, and when she croaks, you will fall under US election law, which means you must adopt an equally silly system as we have, of your choice. To aid in the transition to the State of Britainshire, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "creeping obsolescence" in the Webster\'s Dictionary. Then, look up "consistency," "platinum" and compare to "aluminum." "Torches" will be properly termed "flashlights," as torches went out with burning pitch. A "boot" is something on your foot, and a "bonnet" is an antique hat on a lady\'s head. No one will "knock up" anyone anymore unless they are willing to pay child support, and anyone getting stuffed will merely be enjoying a good meal, which is something that is unknown inside of the old UK outside of a curry shop. You may keep all your cursing on television, however, you must insist all British actors pronounce "fooking" correctly when they do. Additionally, all confusing place names, such as Kensington/Kennington, or Upper/Middle/Lower Anything, will be consolidated and laid out on proper grids, with some semblance of rhyme and reason to their mapping.
2. You may continue to use "The Queen\'s English" as long as you like in conversation, but all written communication will be in Microsoft Standard, all hail to Bill. Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.
3. You will learn to distinguish between Boston, New York, and Chicago accents. It\'s really not that hard. Neither are Texas, North Carolina, and Arkansas. Everyone doesn\'t talk like J.R. Ewing, John Wayne, or Ben Affleck. Emulate Morgan Freeman, and you\'ll be fine, and remember, it\'s a "line," a "queue" is a word with too many "ue\'s."
4. Hollywood will allow James Bond to still be played by a Brit, but he will have to drive a German car from now on, and carry a German handgun, Jaguar will have to be owned by a German company, Minis will have to be produced by BMW, all Opels will be known as Vauxhalls, Trident missiles will all have to be of US design - oh, wait, that\'s all true already. Comedians on "Whose Line Is It Anyway" will be allowed to be British again, and contestants on "Weakest Link" will get to win more than the price of two dry ciders at a decent pub.
5. You can keep the music of your national anthem as the new state song, but you have to change the words to "My Country \'Tis of Thee," but only after apologizing abjectly for the state of all British pop music after The Beatles and The Stones, specifically, George Michael and the Spice Girls.
6. You must stop playing "Cricket." Any game named after a chitinous locust-like insect and synonymous with "fair play" might as well be bottled as expectorant then banned from public view for the shame of it all. Even if children want to play it in the back lots, they can\'t wear pads all over their legs every time they go up to try to bat the ball. Take your lumps like men, and wear a simple helmet. The Pakistanis have far surpassed you in this endeavor (yes, no "u") anyway. How the mighty have fallen. Instead of cricket, stick to darts, which, along with golf, is the pinnacle of British contribution to world sport. And learn to play proper pocket billiards, "snooker" sounds like some unnatural act they do down in Soho.
7. After kicking Napoleon\'s ass in 1815, you failed to finish the French off, so don\'t start on your new fatherland about trying to take care of the Frogs. If you\'d done it right in the first place, they wouldn\'t be bothering either of us now. And you will all be required to own guns. An armed society is a polite society. You will also have to give up all of your surveillance cameras, which have kept Asian manufacturers in business for the last twenty years. Most of them don\'t work anyway, and the only ones watching them are your "reality TV" shows because they\'ve cut the police budgets again. And all your taxes on televisions are now repealed, since a TV in every room is a God-given American Right - it\'s there in the constitution, I\'m sure of it.
8. The warm swill you refer to as "beer" will be mandatory to be served chilled, or mixed into the fertilizer and spread on the plowed fields. One or the other, you decide. The new standard will be German lager served in a British pint glass, or American beer from a bottle, everything served at 1 degree C.
9. Your police officers will be issued real weapons with real bullets. This will allow them to do more than say "STOP! Or I\'ll...I\'ll shout STOP again!" when a citizen is being assaulted. The can keep the funny hats, mostly for tourist value. The same with those Buckingham Palace guards, those hats are way cool.
10. Your weather will be altered by cutting-edge scientific means to resemble something where actual people would actually live, given an actual choice. Any time your rainfall exceeds that of the Amazon, you will be required to skip afternoon tea and bail out your streets in your macks and rubbers.
11. Pub owners, as well as their patrons, will be treated as adults, that is, not be forced to go home at some ungodly hour like 1 or 2am, as if they were teenagers with a curfew. There will be no more state Church, which will allow all pedophile priests of whatever rite to compete on a free-market basis instead of being state-subsidized.
12. All bacon will be cooked to a crisp, rather than left lying limp in a puddle of grease next to the cold broiled tomatoes and cold toast and room-temperature milk and juice. And Weetabix, no more Weetabix. EVER. Or anything based on pure yeast.
13. Please tell us which of your MI5 traitors sold the nuclear secrets to the present rogue states for cheap Russian tarts, we can\'t keep them all straight.
14. All of your sterling will be converted one-for-one for dollars, thus ending the pockets-full of heavy coins of a dozen nonsensical sizes and the need to hunt for the "Pound" symbol on a proper keyboard.
15. Dental care will mandatory for all Britainshire citizens from henceforth.
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
