Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
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You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside the Box."
HOWEVER...., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!
UK CAA researches Hybrid Power for aircraft
A very secretive research project by the UK CAA regarding Hybrid Power for aircraft has yielded some interesting results. The CAA has looked internally for sources of ideas and one concept was selected for further study.
A full report is due to be released shortly.
A photo of the prototype can be found at the following link.
http://www.rvi.net/~mdhorban/hybridmotorcycle.htm
A full report is due to be released shortly.
A photo of the prototype can be found at the following link.
http://www.rvi.net/~mdhorban/hybridmotorcycle.htm
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The Captured RAF Pilot
During WWI an RAF fighter pilot was shot down and captured near a German air base. He had suffered multiple serious injuries and the German doctor decided that in order to save his life it was necessary to amputate his right arm immediately. As a courtesy the pilot requested that a German pilot fly his arm over his base in England and drop the arm on his home soil. The Germans agreed.
The next week the doctor determined it was necessary to amputate the unfortunate pilot's left arm. Again he made the same request and again the Germans agreed.
The next week the doctor determined that the pilot's right leg was just too badly injured to save and again decided it was necessary to amputate. Once more the pilot made his request. However, this time the German doctor refused. “Nein," he replied sternly, "Ve do zis no more! Ve sink you are trying to escape!”
The next week the doctor determined it was necessary to amputate the unfortunate pilot's left arm. Again he made the same request and again the Germans agreed.
The next week the doctor determined that the pilot's right leg was just too badly injured to save and again decided it was necessary to amputate. Once more the pilot made his request. However, this time the German doctor refused. “Nein," he replied sternly, "Ve do zis no more! Ve sink you are trying to escape!”
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Australia
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Topical in North OZ at the moment!
Sas ran a stuff, forgot the auto ignite!
For the below, apologies to our fairer sex co-conspirators!!
Women's Lib International Conference
The first speaker; a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued. "Afta DA first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta DA second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta DA fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.”
For the below, apologies to our fairer sex co-conspirators!!
Women's Lib International Conference
The first speaker; a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued. "Afta DA first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta DA second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta DA fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.”
Join Date: May 2006
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Mayday
Apologies if this has been shown before but its worth another laugh
http://www.break.com/index/weresinking.html
http://www.break.com/index/weresinking.html
Join Date: Apr 2003
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Canadian Hockey Girls
Apparently this is the funniest joke ever(from an online poll).
Two hunters are out in the woods hunting, when one of them has a heart attack and keels over.
His concerned friend calls the emergency services on his mobile:
Friend: Help, quick. My friend's had a heart attack. I think he's dead
Operator: Now calm down sir. we can help you. First of all, are you sure that he's dead?
Friend: just a moment, I'll check.
There is a moments silence, and then the operator hears the sound of a shot.
Friend: Yes, he' dead. Now what??
Two hunters are out in the woods hunting, when one of them has a heart attack and keels over.
His concerned friend calls the emergency services on his mobile:
Friend: Help, quick. My friend's had a heart attack. I think he's dead
Operator: Now calm down sir. we can help you. First of all, are you sure that he's dead?
Friend: just a moment, I'll check.
There is a moments silence, and then the operator hears the sound of a shot.
Friend: Yes, he' dead. Now what??
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: somedays in a helicopter, other days in a fixed-wing....
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Helicopter humour
I came across this story, a more light hearted tale from vietnam, 
John C. Ratliff,
Practice Combat SAR mission
"The Super Jolly Green HH-53 is a very large and heavy helicopter, but its controls are quite responsive; it rapidly began it's descent. Unfortunately, lifting a large, heavy helicopter is quite another matter. As the trees approached, the pilot raised the collective, but tentatively at first. Then he pulled it up hard.I was in the back of the helicopter, again monitoring our rear from the number 3 mini-gun position just inside the ramp. From this position, one can only look backwards. The view is breath-taking since it offers an unrestricted sight of the jungle we had just flown over.
I looked down as we quickly regained altitude to see the precise outline of our helicopter in the top of a large tree. A number of vines trailed from underneath to about twenty feet behind the helicopter.
I keyed the mike, and talked to the pilot "Pilot, PJ, we have vines trailing the helicopter. Do you want me to take a look underneath?" He answered "Affirmative". I put on the safety harness. With the strap fastened to the floor "D" ring, and enough strap let out to reach to back of the ramp (but just enough!), I walked underneath the strap barrier onto the ramp, laid down on my stomach, and put the visor for my helmet down. I then inched out far enough to hang my head over the ramp's edge, and look underneath the helicopter. The vines were trailing from the right wheel, but there didn't appear to be any damage. Then I looked under the helicopter at the bottom of the fuselage, and noted a fluid running back toward me—bad news! I pulled my head up, keyed the mike and notified the pilot of my findings. He asked me to identify the fluid.
Fluids coming out of a helicopter can usually of two types. It can be either fuel, or hydraulic fluid. Oil is a more remote possibility, unless the copter is fired upon and hit. Hydraulic fluid is usually pink in color, but fuel can be colorless. The fluid coming out was colorless. I told the pilot, and he asked that I make sure. It is possible to mistake the problem in the 250 knot air stream, and to only definitive method was to taste the fuel.
I took a glove off, stuck my finger into the fluid and tasted it. It was salty!
I whirled around, looked up the inside of the helicopter and as my eyes adjusted to the dimmer light, I noted a flight engineer using the urinal!
At least, we weren't in as bad a shape as we thought. But I did have some words with the flight engineer".
John C. Ratliff,
Practice Combat SAR mission
"The Super Jolly Green HH-53 is a very large and heavy helicopter, but its controls are quite responsive; it rapidly began it's descent. Unfortunately, lifting a large, heavy helicopter is quite another matter. As the trees approached, the pilot raised the collective, but tentatively at first. Then he pulled it up hard.I was in the back of the helicopter, again monitoring our rear from the number 3 mini-gun position just inside the ramp. From this position, one can only look backwards. The view is breath-taking since it offers an unrestricted sight of the jungle we had just flown over.
I looked down as we quickly regained altitude to see the precise outline of our helicopter in the top of a large tree. A number of vines trailed from underneath to about twenty feet behind the helicopter.
I keyed the mike, and talked to the pilot "Pilot, PJ, we have vines trailing the helicopter. Do you want me to take a look underneath?" He answered "Affirmative". I put on the safety harness. With the strap fastened to the floor "D" ring, and enough strap let out to reach to back of the ramp (but just enough!), I walked underneath the strap barrier onto the ramp, laid down on my stomach, and put the visor for my helmet down. I then inched out far enough to hang my head over the ramp's edge, and look underneath the helicopter. The vines were trailing from the right wheel, but there didn't appear to be any damage. Then I looked under the helicopter at the bottom of the fuselage, and noted a fluid running back toward me—bad news! I pulled my head up, keyed the mike and notified the pilot of my findings. He asked me to identify the fluid.
Fluids coming out of a helicopter can usually of two types. It can be either fuel, or hydraulic fluid. Oil is a more remote possibility, unless the copter is fired upon and hit. Hydraulic fluid is usually pink in color, but fuel can be colorless. The fluid coming out was colorless. I told the pilot, and he asked that I make sure. It is possible to mistake the problem in the 250 knot air stream, and to only definitive method was to taste the fuel.
I took a glove off, stuck my finger into the fluid and tasted it. It was salty!
I whirled around, looked up the inside of the helicopter and as my eyes adjusted to the dimmer light, I noted a flight engineer using the urinal!
At least, we weren't in as bad a shape as we thought. But I did have some words with the flight engineer".
Avoid imitations
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Wandering the FIR and cyberspace often at highly unsociable times
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As far as the 250 kts was concerned, sounds like it wasn't just the flight engineer taking the pi$$.......... 
Cmon Bronx....a simple matter of driving left of center. Quick summons, 50 dollars and court costs. The other driver can now trick his truck and make and open topped tour wagon for tourists.
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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges, and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. The policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin
back, and suck them dry."
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges, and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. The policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin
back, and suck them dry."
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non helo. but bloody funny
this had me in tears.
the look on the poor blokes face prior to lauch is priceless. hope you find this as funny.
http://www.crackmuffin.com/html/Wate...le-Launch.html
BP.
the look on the poor blokes face prior to lauch is priceless. hope you find this as funny.
http://www.crackmuffin.com/html/Wate...le-Launch.html
BP.