Having a leisurely meal at Ponti's in STN the other day, a passenger seated with his wife at the next table (and who apparently had never seen a woman wearing four stripes before) asks my Captain with a wink:

"Can I hijack your plane, love?" :rolleyes:

In her best Irish accent :ok: she replied with a smile that she didn't think so! I was just about to answer that he couldn't get on our plane anyway, unless he was an express parcel :E

Thick cabin crew comments
 

some years ago on a 757 Budapest to London:

me sitting by the winder watching the steady flow of oil from the No.2 engine growing larger and steadier by the minute ...
*ding dong*
Me: the flight deck may be aware, but perhaps you might like to let them know they seem to have an oil leak from the No.2 engine....
CC: oh, how do you know that's the No.2 engine - I think that's normal, and the flight deck haven't informed us anything is wrong ....
Me: suit yourself, i'm sure w'll be Ok on one engine - would you like me to let the rest of the passengers know? :ugh:
CC: that won't be necessary, sir, but thank you anyway...
Me: my pleasure

'Twas dripping nicely after landing, and lots of cowls being flung about after shut down....

A recent gem:

Pax: Can you stow my bag in the overhead for me, I don't want to hurt my back.

Me: Oh because I DO want to hurt my back and be off work on basic pay love!

On every inbound flight we hand out questionnaires for the passengers to tell us about their holiday and flights.

Family sitting in Row 40 on a B757 (ie. the back row). I had been on their outbound flight the week before and they made me laugh many times, but this one took the biscuit.

Call bell went off. I look out into the cabin to see that it is the back row that have pressed the call bell. I was 2 seconds away by foot. Anyway...

Me: How can I help?
Pax: On this form (the questionnaire) it asks for my marital status. I am engaged but not living with my girlfriend, but there isn't an option for this. So, which option do I pick?
Me: You need to tick the box that says 'single', sir.
Pax: But I am NOT single. I am engaged.
Me: Then tick the married box.
Pax: But I am NOT married either.
Me: What box do you normally tick on forms like this? In my experience there is never an option for 'engaged'.
Pax: ....*blank stare*....So what box should I tick?
Me: Tick whatever box is closest to whatever status you are (getting slightly annoyed as we are on a 2hr flight and the bar service hasn't even started yet)
Pax: But there are no boxes to describe what I am!
Me: Then don't tick any box.
Pax: Does that matter?
Me: Not one bit

And I walk away. How does a 30-something man like this get through life??!! or was he simply just being awkward?

When the seat belt sign is on we can't serve tea or coffee as it could spill and burn someone etc...

So anyway a passanger asked a crew member for a coffee. The crew member then pointed to the seatbelt sign on the ceiling and said sorry we can't serve tea or coffee when the seatbelt sign is on as it is too bumpy etc. etc.

I don't think the pax understood english very well as he then proceeded to stand up and press the seat belt sign and hold his coffee cup up to it thinking that the coffee came out of the ceiling!!

So funny!

from Chav Airways:

pax to No1: "are my friends on board yet?" And they will be who, exactly?

"the engines are noisy, can you turn them down?" I can turn them off if you like.....

"the air conditioning's blowing on me can you turn it off?" Right, let me explain the basic principles of presurisation to you.

On KLM out of Curacao 13 Jan 2008;
Thick passenger (= Me ATP with 7500hrs) What happened to the safety briefing?
CC to Thick Passenger; ERRRRRR didnt you get one?
Thick Passenger to CC; ERRRRRRRRRR no most certainly not!
CC to thick passenger: Oh Oh.
20 mins later Embarassed Purser to Thick Passenger; Are you the the (Thick) person that noticed we never gave a saftey briefing?
Thick passenger to Purser: Yes.
Purser to Thick passenger; thats the first time in 27 years of flying thats happened Im so sorry.
Thick passenger to Purser; No problem?

Just a small input on the alleged racism. My late father bought me up to judge a person not by their race creed or colour but by their character and their deeds. I have always done this BUT I STILL AM ACCUSED OF BEING A RACIST?????????????????????????????????? Take care out there.

Did I say there was?

errrrrrrr......yes?:confused::confused:

Coming back from somewhere in Poland... During the service:
Me: Any drinks or snacks? Smile
Pax: Can i have a cup of tea and Beans on Toast!!
Me making the tea, about to ask "would you like milk and sugar with your tea" when it clicked in my brain: Sorry, what was the other thing you wanted?
Pax: Beans on toast please.
Me (coming across as rather dumb now) : Sorry?!
Pax: I said tea and beans on toast. I'll pay in zloty if you don't mind.
Me: I don't mind but unfortunately we don't have beans on toast.
Pax: Why's that?
Me still slightly confused: Erm... Because we are not being catered with BEANS ON TOAST?
Pax:Well i think you should. I really like them
OKAY.....:rolleyes:
Finally he decides to have something else... Moving on...
Securing the cabin for landing, same pax: How long until we land?
Me: Around 15 mins Sir.
Pax: Great! I only have an hour until i can eat my BEANS ON TOAST!
Me: Huh??!!??

Now i apologize if i am being a bit ignorant but do you know of any other airline, long or short haul who serve BEANS ON TOAST??:}

Wouldn't anything to do with beans be a bit dodgy in a confined space like an aircraft?

(Unless you could somehow use his jet blast to save some fuel)

We were boarding at Amsterdam using steps rather than the usual jetty. All the pax were aboard and we were waiting for the last business pax who apparently, was far too superior and busy to board on time with everyone else. He finally appeared from the terminal, stalked across the tarmac whilst still shouting into his phone and then much to our amazement, started going up a spare set of steps that just happened to have been left nearby. As he got to the top of the steps, he realised simultaniously that a; there was no aircraft at the end of them and b; the crew and all the pax sat on the left of the aircraft were laughing at him! Unfortunately, this incident didn't give him any humility but every time he was rude, I just remembered him standing at the top of those steps wondering where the aircraft had gone!

Jsl

Thick Comments.
 

About 10 years ago, on a charter out of LGW on a Caledonian Tristar, 1 hour into the flight a woman presses call bell, i walk up and ask what i could do for her, when she said i am worried we have been flying over that silver thing for over an hour is it suppossed to be there. I explained that i hoped so as it was the WING!.

Another time all the ovens were us so we were offering afternoon tea, when a pax says hey you are you stupid, you should know that i do not like butter on my bread, i politely explained that if she needed a special meal she could have ordered this when she booked here flight, to which she replied my customer service skills were crap as i didnt know what the passengers needs were:ugh:

Thick Pax: On finals, "did you know London Gatwick isn't in Llondon?"
CC: "suprisingly yes, i work there...."
Thick Passenger: "it's in West Sussex!!!!"
CC: "yes"
Thick Passenger: "stupid really, all the other airports are in London!!!"
CC: "Actually LHR is in Middlesex, LTN is in Bedfordshire and STN is in Essex"
Thick Pax: "oh........ right........ What about London City?"

As a pax, I believe that it is a good thing, as many here have stressed, that I switch off my brain everytime I head to the airport considering:

- the mindless security procedures I have to put up with (groundside)
- the constant delays I have to put up with
- the constantly diminishing space I am allotted
- the stuff they try to call food that they put on my tray
....

because if it had remained switched on, I could sometimes be slightly unpleasant. :oh::oh:

Sekant,

I'm amazed and horrified that you've mentioned "the stuff we call food" in the same sentence as security. How can you not enjoy something that has often been designed by a top michelin chef (who has no idea of the limitations and contrary temperament of an aircraft oven), then burnt....sorry, cooked by my own fair hand. Who needs fine dining when you can have chicken or beef? Some people just don't know a good thing when they see it! :E

Chicken or beef?
 

I always assume this is just the cabin crew challenging the passenger to guess the content of their tray...

what a laugh
 

just to say only joined today, and am only a mere member of the paying public, but some of the stuff on here is very funny, thanks for making my otherwise dull day bearable!!