Heard at AMS Schipol a few months ago -

Winds were light/var and had just changed from taking off on runway 24 to land on 06.

Midland call up and requested 24 for takeoff.

Controller (in sarcastic dutch voice) 'Yes 24 but you might have a problem with aeroplanes landing in the opposite direction' !

-------------------------------------------------

ATC : Aerlingus xyz cleared lagar
Lingus : Where is that ?
ATC : spelt 'L A G A R'
Lingus 'Aaaahh, had it been Guinness we would have found it' !


Similar - we were cleared to 'lagar' and replied 'we should be able to find that' with a laugh in our voice ...

Controller : contact xyz with a packet of crisps ' !
-------------------------------------------------------------------

On approach to Columbia, a small non-controlled airfield in California last weekend:

Unicom

Me: Cessna XXX 5 miles to run from the West, passing 4000 for 3000, we will be taking runway 17.

Be-55 coming into same airport from Las Veags:

Don't take it too far as we need it to!!

We laughed...

Heard yesterday:

atc: BAW*** cleared dct REFSO

BAW***: roger, dct RECTUS


What on earth where you thinking?

German With A Sense Of Humour!!!
 

Heard this on the waves at a German Airport a while ago.
-BA pilot calls up ready to push
- ATC negative sorry youve got a 20 min delay

Straight after

- Lufthansa pilot a couple a stands away called up ready to push
- ATC cleared him for push and start straight away
- BA pilot why was he cleared for immediate start and push when weve got a 20 min delay :):*
- Lufthansa pilot thats coz we gotup at 5oclock to put our towels on the runway:= :) :}

In Amsterdam today:-

ATC: KLM xxx are you ready to taxi?

KLM: Negative. The tug driver has managed to lock himself in his cab and cannot get out to disconnect the aircraft. We might be here a while!

It seemed to ammuse the ground controller for quite a while.

Heard on a frequency today..

.. busy traffic conditions.. one 757 just down and rolling out. A further 757 on short finals and a RJ lined up and ready immediate.

Tower controller clearly needing to get the first 757 vacated as soon as able passes message ...

"*£$ 123 If you can exit at XY that will help me out a lot"

A/c replies

" Er, hang on.. er yes a handbrake turn and..er.. yep we got it"

:D made me smile anyway ;)

NATO E3, routing Waddo, NAVPI, Ramstein.

"London Mil, NATO42 climbing out of Waddington, routing direct to NAV Papa One (said in proud voice)!"
"NATO42 London Mil, identified, say again where you're routing to?"
(Now a little worried) "Uhhhhh, NAV Papa One Sir!"
Didn't have the heart to burst his bubble "Roger, route direct to NAV Papa One, request your estimate?"
More USAF, all transport ac!

"London Mil, RCH1234, FL240"
"RCH1234 London Mil, Identified, What type of service?"
Responses: 1) "Uhhh, can I have the ILS at mildenhall please sir?"
2) "I'd like 150 gallons of fuel and a screenwash please sir!" and finally, 3) "Can I have the full service please sir?" "Certainly, would you like coffee with that?" joke I! PAUSE "Sorry Sir, is that your British Sense of humour?" :suspect: :suspect:

At Norwich today:

"Tower, Gxxxx at A2,ready for departure"

"Gxx, roger line up and wait rwy27"

"Tower, Stearman Gxxxx at B1 ready for departure"

"Stearman Gxx line up rwy27, the PAxx on the threshold is holding, clear for take off, surface wind is....."

"Roger, clear for take off, Stearman Gxx"

"Tower PAxx, Gxx, we were ready before the Stearman and you have delayed our departure"

"Gxx, Tower roger, I'll see you in court......."

One of my many mistakes:

"Liverpool this is sea King 122"
Liverpool "Sea King 122 pass your message."
Sea King 122 "Liverpool this is Sea King 122, we are a Sea King...........but you had probably guessed that alreday."

My favourite call when operating in the Falklands:

"Tiger 25 comming over the Bosums for Alice"

Top Thread.

Student Pilot climbing out in his clapped out C152 is advised that he has military jets flying at low leve left to right at 2 miles. " Too close for missiles switching to Guns" Too much Top Gun

Yesterday on a fun fly out


'xxxx Radio this is G-YYYYY'


'G-YYYY xxxx Radio pass your member, sorry message'

Picture the scene, late night at Belfast clear skies. One Easy inbound and one Jetset. The Jetset was closely following the Easy for landing

Radar: Jetsetxxx traffic is straight ahead at 5 or 6miles, report them in sight.
Jetset: Got him in sight dead ahead, straight shot!
Easy: Easy to Jetset, we're reducing to 180kts. We' chaffing (sp?) by the way
;)
Jetset: Ahh we won't go to guns too early then! :E

Well, this may not be funny, but the controllers did. I am on work experience in the tower!

Controller: Erm, Ops 5 (a vehicle) Wait at G3 and line up on runway!

Bit stupid, but hey ;)

Cheers

Simon

A very un-seasonal one:

TWR to a recently departed a/c: "Air Force 403, What is your comments to the snow on the runway?"

403: "Well .. ah .. we're on top here at 2.000 ft" :p

Another Bournemouth Special:

"ABC 123, caution, there is a vehicle operating in the 26 climb-out":D

A rather long one, but….here goes….

I was visiting the twr at ESxx (a quiet little airport in Sweden) one evening in april 2001. Darkness was creeping in on us, when the evening ScandinavianCommuter Dash8 called in.
He asked for, and was cleared for the Visual 27. After a while we could spot him coming in from the south.
The cockpit-dane in charge of the radio that night (probably the Cap.) came on the air;

SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – Lights on, please "
The twr-guy looks at me, as if :confused:, since the lights had been on for a while.
TWR: - "SCxxx, Twr – Lights are on"
By now he had gotten so close, that he should've been able to see the runway.
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – Lights 100%, please" (His voice is starting to sound irritated.)
TWR: - "Lights 100%, …..there you go!" (…tower-guy, shaking his head.)
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – Please check and verify: Lights on 100%" (…with a tone implying that the twr-guy is some sort of retard!)
TWR: - "SCxxx, twr – Checked and verified" (…as we're both looking at the rwy, lit-up like a christmas tree.)
The Dash is getting really close now,…..well within 15 degrees from final.
SC: - "Twr, SCxxx – I need those rwy-lights,…PLEASE!!!" (Voice getting agitated…)
Twr-guy being fed up with this cr*p, replies…
- "SCxxx, Twr – Check: Ray-Bans OFF!"
A moment of silence follows…..
SC: - "Uuuhhhh….OK………...sorry…………dim lights, please" :O

They made the turn (really late and kind of steep) and landed safely, after which the twr-guy started ventilating his feelings on SC/SAS crews to me. :yuk: He then had the captain on the phone, and………well, you know!! He mainly used the kind of words that would show up as :mad: on this board.

Makes me :p everytime I think of it....

TWR: "PS14, make one orbit, priority take off"

PS14: "Do I get more delay or what!?"

TWR: "What!"

"DX 268 confirm you are not on this frequency?"

Firemen do it as well: "Crash 1 from Crash 2, turn on your radio"

"OTV you have a mast 2 miles ahead"
"Roger. I can see it loud and clear"

"Poky 67, you are indentiflied"

"I'm overhead the radial"

"Remain east of the extended centerline"

"Request to do a full procedure ILS, by ourselves"

:D :p from the EKKA "linebook"

A few from my own experience as a pilot, all completely true in essence, but the exact words may have got a little fuzzy in the mists of time:

First one ironically close to the very first post in this whole thread three years ago:

ME (flying HS125 in Spain): Pan Pan Pan xxx123 No 2 Engine failure out of 390 we can probably hold about 220 on reaching. We'll go to Madrid. Services at Madrid please.
HER: xxx123 Negative you must maintain 390 acknowledge
ME: Unable comply, engine failure, we are in the float down passing 370.
HER: NEGATIVE NEGATIVE Climb immediately 390
ME: WE HAVE LOST AN ENGINE WE ARE DESCENDING THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. JUST GET YOUR SUPERVISOR ON THE RADIO IF YOU CANNOT COPE
HER: IT IS VERY DANGEROUS WHAT YOU ARE DOING, YOU MUST RETURN TO YOUR ASSIGNED ALTITUDE.
ME: Please will someone explain to her what's going on.
<some words spoken in Spanish>
HER(all said as if nothing had happened): xxx123 Continue descent. Make your heading 350. Expect Radar vectors to runway xx at Madrid.

Second one at Glasgow, perfectly calm night, taking off in a C404, when suddenly at about 200' I encounter severe turbulence, with a bank angle of about 50deg.

ME: xxx123 I think we just encountered wake turbulence. What departed in front of us?
GLA: A Shorts 360
Disembodied voice, strong scottish accent: We don't create wake turbulence, sonny, we make bow waves.

(This next one will be lost on non-brits)
On a night mail flight from Lydd to Liverpool, on first contact with LATCC (it always used to be quite relaxed on the R/T in the middle of the night in those days)

LATCC: Your route this morning is DET, LAM, BNN, DTY, WHI
ME: Roger. M20, M25, M1, M6 to Liverpool
LATCC (without a moment's pause): That's correct, your clearance limit is Knutsford Services.

On an ambulance flight into Alconbury, carrying doctor, nurse and an ice box containing a heart for transplant:

ALCONBURY: How many souls on board?
ME: Now, that's really a tough one!

Flying a Chieftan to "County Kerry International Airport":

CORK: Contact Kerry Tower on xxx.xx
several abortive attempts to call them, then back to Cork
ME: Cork, xxx123, unable to contact Kerry on xxx.xx, please confirm the frequency.
CORK: Standby, I'll call them on the landline.
..
CORK: xxx123, Try Kerry again on xxx.xx
ME: Kerry this is xxx123
KERRY (Strong Kerryman accent, very out of breath) xxx123, sorry about that, I was downstairs having me tea.

As I say, all these guaranteed true and happened to me.

W

Shed Humor
 

Guys the posts on the Shorts have cracked me up!

And that even being a Shed driver myselfe but i guess i'm usede to a lot considering the paint job my A/C has !
http://www.pink.at/bilder/fdeclmb7.jpg

And this one happened to me last Feb on approach to Rome Ciampino with a RyanAir 737 behind :

APP: OE-FDE can keep your speed up, there is a 737 behind
me: Well i can give you 165 Knots to short final
Ryan Air without hesitation: He's lying approach

After landing we turn into our parking with the 737 passing and he says: See that poor Shed even got it's toung hanging out now!

wonders why :)

cheers
MB

Better pictures of above Shed on:-

http://www.pink.at/nosetest.htm

:ooh: :ooh: :ooh: :ooh: :ooh:

Looking at www.pink.at, the picture at the lower left, what manoeuvre is the Skyvan performing? Is the left engine running?

W

Sometimes opportunities present themselves
 

A German Army CH-53 helicopter arrives with a complete brass band for an "Oktober-fest".
A little later:

"GAR 1234, request start up"

"Understand you're going VFR back to Gremany?"

"Negative, we filed IFR?"

"But you just off loaded all your instruments!"

(Yes, I know it is sick! :) )

Just remembered another from the dim and distant past:

Belgian ATC were taking some form of industrial action, such as a work to rule.

It was about 2.30 in the morning, I was going into Brussels and was very surprised to be given a substantial delay (maybe 20 mins). The next aircraft comes onto the frequency, is given a similar delay, when the following exchange takes place:

A/C: I require a priority landing, I have government ministers on board.
ATC: Do you have an emergency, or are you an ambulance flight?
A/C: Negative, but I have government ministers on board and they cannot accept a twenty minute hold.
ATC: If you do not have an emergency and you are not an ambulance flight you cannot be given priority. That is the law.

...quite a long pause, say 60 secs...

A/C: I have the Justice Minister on board and he says not to tell him what the law is!

W

kit planes?
 

heard recently whilst taxiing out at Orange in New South Wales i over heard this exchage between a DC-3 and a jabirou. After the dc-3 had landed, somewhat heavily, he taxied past the jabirou:

DC-3: "Thats a lovely little plane. did you build it yourself?"

Jabirou: "yes actually. i built it using spare DC3 parts and if you do another landing like that i'll have enough to build two more"

Who is or was Sarah?
 

Many years ago (I'll guess wildly at Christmas 1989) I was flying the mails in the middle of the night, transitting the Kent area, when I heard quite a few aircraft being given the instruction ''XXX call London 1xx.xx, and say hello to Sarah for me.''

When I got my call it was ''ABC contact London on 1yy.yy'' to which I replied ''Oh, don't I get to talk to Sarah then?" to which I got the response "Oh, alright, say hello to Sarah on 1xx.xx, then contact London on 1yy.yy." (which I did, and Sarah giggled and said thank you.)

Does anyone remember who Sarah was, and why everyone had to say hello?

W

Belgrano Infirmary
 

While this may not have anything to do with Sarah, it does remind me . . . . . .

During an excellent famil day for pilots at LATCC, and comparing notes on medicals for ATCOs/Aircrew, one of the lady controllers told us that, as required, she had notified the CAA when she became pregnant. They duly acknowledged her notification.

The CAA letter began, "Dear Sir, . . . "

And the funnies still roll in. This happened just 2 days ago!

Working a light aircraft flying at 3800 Barnsley 1002 (ish) on a NW track.

Me ' GBxxx can you fly at FL45 for correct quadrantal?'

GBxxx ' Negative sir, we can accept a climb but this aircraft is not equipped to fly at flight levels'

Me ' GBxxx Roger, are you able to set Standard Altimeter Setting 1013?'

GBxxx ' Affirm Sir.'

Me ' GBxxx Set standard 1013 , fly at FL45'

GBxxx ' We cannot fly at FL45. We are not equipped'

Me ' GBxxx, ok, Set 1013 report level 4500 feet'

GBxxx ' Wilco'

Now is it me? or did the guy miss out one of the important lessons at flight school :D

heard on the eggw freq the other day, G-xxxx clear to cross the zone via the 26 threshold, thats the one on the left as you look at the runway!

I thought it was funny, anyway:D

ratt,
 

perhaps the poor sod was from Orstaylya.

Over here, flight levels start at F110 (11,000' on 1013 HPa) and unpressurised aircraft are not permitted above A100 (10,000') unles portable oxygen carried for the pilot/s.

Heard one a while back in the M/E
US souding callsign 'Magic 1 inbound radial xxx fl320'
Arabic controller 'Roger Magic 1 cleared as filed, direct Boban'
Magic 1 'Copied cleared direct'
Another a/c aussie sounding " xxx flxxx decending to fl180, request direct boban'
Arab controller 'xxx, cleared direct boban maintain fl180 on reaching'
Aussie a/c 'xxx, cleared direct boban fl180 on reaching, thats magic'
ATC 'negative magic 1 this is for xxx'
Magic 1 'say again'
Aussie 'xxx cleared boban Fl180 not magic but good'
ATC 'who is that calling'
Magic 1 'repeat please'
Assie goes very quiet

As you can imagine the confusion caused and the ensuing coversation

Speaking of Sarah, we've got one here in Seffricca too.

We've orso got a small aerodrome called "George" (FAGG).

Once upon a 7a slot, a tower foned Sarah, and this is wot she sed...

Sarah, "Hello Jo'burg ATC"
George, "Hello Jo'burg, George here."
Sarah, "George who?"
George, "George tower"
Sarah, "That's a funny surname..."


Our wonderful military also has a weird request for doing visual ILS's, whatever that is. Surely the thing can just hover and decend slowly if the WX is bad - kidding, but I digress...

Helo, "Morning Jo'burg - This is Yoda requesting vectors for the visual ILS."
ATC, "Morning Yoda, under radar control at 8000' you will be, report the glide slope in sight."

The force was not strong with this one, all you got was the default "Say again", that they all come pre-programmed with.

GR8 thread dudes, keep 'em comin'!:ok:

We had a good chuckle at this one last month or so:

Delta Airlines flight: "London, Delta xx, FL350 routing xxx"
London "Delta xx London, roger proceed direct yyy"
Delta "Direct yyy, Delta xx. How are you?"
London (slight pause) "I'm fine, how are you?"
Delta "Just great now we've left Germany"

Somewhere in the Southern US:

Tower: Twin Engine cleared for landing on Rwy xx. ABxxx (Heavy), you are number 2.
Twin Engine: Tower! We hit some animal on the runway!
Tower: ABxxx, something on the runway. Go around if necessary.
ABxxx (heavy): no problem, we'll flatten it a bit more fer ya!:}

Slim20 posted this on the Private Flying group, I hope he doesn't mind if I repeat it here (I can see he monitors this thread):W

Good one at Luton a while back. We were having trouble with our comms 1 on stand. I said to ground "I'm just going to try another box." To which an Easy Captain replied, "I tried that once and my wife left me." Very good.

While taxiing out to depart at Belfast, we noticed a cat walking across the threshold and thought that, in the interests of safety, we had better inform atc, telling the controller that, "There`s a cat on the runway!" Quick as a flash someone came back, "Is it Cat 1 or Cat 2!"

Another good one today:

It had been pretty quiet on Brest frequency for about 5 mins.

easy xxx: "Brest easy xxx, can we change to the next frequency if that's Ok?"
Brest:"well, if you're bored listening to me, then you can call London xxx.xx I hope you enjoy yourself. Au revoir."

Heard on a hot day at Luton a few years ago

PA28 was parked with door ajar on main concourse due to work in normal parking area. Had just been cleared taxi when the following exchange occured

737 : Luton ground, fyi, the little fellow next to us appears to have his door open .

Luton ground : G-xxxx Did you copy that ?

G-xxxx : Affirm. Please could you inform the big fellow next to us that he appears to have lost his propellors

Reminds me of a conversation that I heard reported many years ago, but I have no idea if it's true, between a BA 747 and ATC

ATC: Traffic Information, a C404 2 o'clock 5 miles same level, are you visual?
Pompous Speedbird: What's a C404? Oh, my first officer tells me we had one in the flight deck once and we swatted it.

W

Not quite on the ATC humour topic, but kind of reminds me of it.

Some years ago, I was working for a software company in London with offices worldwide. We had support facilities in most countries and in theory all support calls had to go to the local office however at about 9:15 one morning, I was sitting close to a call handler in london when she took a call from 'overseas'. The lady in particular was a real diamond, but had a very Sarf London accent. A short extract of what we could hear was .

: Sorry, ooo ar ya working four?
: ooo ?
: Boing ?
: Sorry we aint got a customer cawed Boing
: never 'eard of ya, what d yer make ?
: planes ? . . . . not over ere ya dont
: oh ya in 'merica, right. Wass ya system number ?
: Boing? Boing ? (tapping the system number in the computer)
: Oh Boeing . . . why didnt ya say!(office disolved into fits of helpless laughter). , so, sir, what seems to be the problem

It still makes me laugh to think of it and for months, I loved being given instructions when flying that gave me the chance to Boing the controller.