Worst ever Pilot Insults
Avoid imitations
Join Date: Nov 2000
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I waited years after our S-76 got a satphone to tell AlanM: "Standby.......sorry, I was on the phone". 
Probably as well I never did. If I had, I suppose I'd be routing round the LHR zone forever after.
Probably as well I never did. If I had, I suppose I'd be routing round the LHR zone forever after.
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Some time last year a Gatwick LAM departure called me SE of DET on an easterly heading, when the frequency was extremely busy. There had not been the opportunity due inbound traffic/other outbounds to turn it back towards LAM so it was just climbing on its present heading.
Pilot "Er London, any chance of a left turn sometime soon, or shall we just call Amsterdam and try them?"
Needless to say I waited several sweeps before he got the turn. Cheeky f
k
Pilot "Er London, any chance of a left turn sometime soon, or shall we just call Amsterdam and try them?"
Needless to say I waited several sweeps before he got the turn. Cheeky f
k
The Veloceraptor of Lounge Lizards
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For a year I had the task (cold and miserable) of flying around with a 25 000 square foot banner slung under the helo. Bimbling round the Glasgow zone one Saturday advertising a Sunday newspaper a BA737 pilot was warned of our presence. Everybody else had seen us and commented about us. The 737 pilot couldn't see us. Instantly ATC came up with "How do you keep a medical with eyesight that bad?"
One of AlanM's colleagues caught me at a slightly non-concentrating moment one day with "Are you lost again? or just making the route up as you go?"
VH
One of AlanM's colleagues caught me at a slightly non-concentrating moment one day with "Are you lost again? or just making the route up as you go?"
VH
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A friend of mine had his check-out exam. For some unexplainable reason some Polish pilots (expecially those from Lot Polish Airlines) believe that it's up to them to choose the com languange and there was one of those guys on the frequency. He started with Polish (which according to AIP Poland is perfectly OK until now) but since there was some other traffic my friend replied in English.
The answer was" "I started Polish so you should use Polish also" so my friend explained in English that there was other traffic etc. The pilot, also known as cpt. G****** replied: "If you don't talk to me Polish I'll file a report on you".
The ATCO's answer actually killed everyone: "OK, so I'll talk to you English and then I'll be saying that again in Polish so that everyone understands"
The answer was" "I started Polish so you should use Polish also" so my friend explained in English that there was other traffic etc. The pilot, also known as cpt. G****** replied: "If you don't talk to me Polish I'll file a report on you".
The ATCO's answer actually killed everyone: "OK, so I'll talk to you English and then I'll be saying that again in Polish so that everyone understands"
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going into Man about 18 yrs ago I heard ATC instruct a speedie to line up after the shamrock....he replied cleared line up after the paddie ....... you could hear a pin drop on frequency...... a pure plonker working in a decent outfit..... i'm suprised atc did'nt say back to the end of the queue mate....they would today.
anyway shamrock capt. retorted his name's not paddie, nigel!! same capt is retiring next week after 42 years of service with the green team.
anyway shamrock capt. retorted his name's not paddie, nigel!! same capt is retiring next week after 42 years of service with the green team.
Last edited by Bearcat; 15th Jul 2007 at 19:10.
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This lady controller mentioned twice already in this thread....didn't have a career spanning Stansted, Manc, Edinburgh did she??? 'Cos if she did....
Picture the scene. Edinburgh on r/w 06, and r/w 12 is unavailable due to a D328 parked on the 30 threshold. The SID to the south for turboprops is Talla 4D from r/w 06. R/w 12 also has a Talla SID, the 5G. The names may have changed by now but this was a few years back.
Lady of a certain age tower trainee departs a jet from the full length of 06 and then lines up a SF34 from the intersection despite a jet being on about 4 mile final. OJTI asks "what's the vortex wake requirement for a SF34 departing behind a full-length 737?" Trainee replies "2 minutes". OJTI asks, "are you sure???"
Lady trainee says something unrepeatable on realising there's a 3-minute vortex wake requirement and transmits to the SF34 "backtrack 06 and expedite", and this when they've already lined up and are now facing the wrong way to backtrack.... They do a 180, see the traffic bearing down on them and backtrack at a speed normally reserved for descent at full throttle.
Meanwhile, lady trainee says to the incoming (in this situation, incoming is more appropriate than arriving) jet, "continue approach, expect very late go around", without a trace of irony.
Next, when something approaching 2 minutes have passed since the first departure, and despite the fact that the SF34 crew have ended their backtrack well short of the full length, lady trainee says "cleared for immediate take-off, and take up the Tall 4G departure." Now, ignoring for a moment that they still really needed 3 minutes, and that changing a SID while rolling is not exactly the best time, there's those little facts that......
a) there weren't no such thing as a Tall 4G departure!!!
b) given that she meant the Talla 5G, you can't fly a r/w 12 SID when departing from r/w 06.
c) r/w 12 departures, and thus anything on the Talla 5G departure, need a release from radar.
So, there I am in the radar room, blissfully unaware of all that's happening upstairs when I hear a turbprop whooshing past the tower as if departing r/w 12. Me and the assistant look at one another with shocked expressions for a couple of seconds, then I ask him to take a peek out the window and see if r/w 12 is still blocked. Yup, still blocked. Then the phone from TWR rings...
Half an hour later the TWR OJTI comes down on a break and says "I'm so, so ****ing sorry!!!" Lady trainee did not validate.
Picture the scene. Edinburgh on r/w 06, and r/w 12 is unavailable due to a D328 parked on the 30 threshold. The SID to the south for turboprops is Talla 4D from r/w 06. R/w 12 also has a Talla SID, the 5G. The names may have changed by now but this was a few years back.
Lady of a certain age tower trainee departs a jet from the full length of 06 and then lines up a SF34 from the intersection despite a jet being on about 4 mile final. OJTI asks "what's the vortex wake requirement for a SF34 departing behind a full-length 737?" Trainee replies "2 minutes". OJTI asks, "are you sure???"
Lady trainee says something unrepeatable on realising there's a 3-minute vortex wake requirement and transmits to the SF34 "backtrack 06 and expedite", and this when they've already lined up and are now facing the wrong way to backtrack.... They do a 180, see the traffic bearing down on them and backtrack at a speed normally reserved for descent at full throttle.
Meanwhile, lady trainee says to the incoming (in this situation, incoming is more appropriate than arriving) jet, "continue approach, expect very late go around", without a trace of irony.
Next, when something approaching 2 minutes have passed since the first departure, and despite the fact that the SF34 crew have ended their backtrack well short of the full length, lady trainee says "cleared for immediate take-off, and take up the Tall 4G departure." Now, ignoring for a moment that they still really needed 3 minutes, and that changing a SID while rolling is not exactly the best time, there's those little facts that......
a) there weren't no such thing as a Tall 4G departure!!!
b) given that she meant the Talla 5G, you can't fly a r/w 12 SID when departing from r/w 06.
c) r/w 12 departures, and thus anything on the Talla 5G departure, need a release from radar.
So, there I am in the radar room, blissfully unaware of all that's happening upstairs when I hear a turbprop whooshing past the tower as if departing r/w 12. Me and the assistant look at one another with shocked expressions for a couple of seconds, then I ask him to take a peek out the window and see if r/w 12 is still blocked. Yup, still blocked. Then the phone from TWR rings...
Half an hour later the TWR OJTI comes down on a break and says "I'm so, so ****ing sorry!!!" Lady trainee did not validate.
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standby apology
I too fly a cessna 150 and many times have asked atc to standby , mostly when they ask me for an eta at a particular point - it is by no means meant as an insult - it just means that I don't have the calculated time in front of me, give me a couple of seconds and i'll get back to you - if anyone has taken insult from my actions - i apologise
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Canoehead - I hope your comment was tongue in cheek - I really do. Otherwise I don't get why you think it's insulting for someone to tell you to stand by.
Also - if that really is the worst insult you've had, then you must have had a really sheltered life!
louby
Also - if that really is the worst insult you've had, then you must have had a really sheltered life!
louby
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DOH!
Overheard on GMP at EGCC
A rather politically incorrect MyTravel pilot asked for push and start and was given a conditional clearance to push once the Pakistan 747 had cleared from his left. The pilot readback the clearance correctly, but when he relayed the message to the tug crew , he'd forgotten to deselect the GMP freq.
"Right guys, we can go once the Paki's moved his ars3!...Oh SSSHH."
Only the tumbleweed could be heard for the next 30 seconds!
A rather politically incorrect MyTravel pilot asked for push and start and was given a conditional clearance to push once the Pakistan 747 had cleared from his left. The pilot readback the clearance correctly, but when he relayed the message to the tug crew , he'd forgotten to deselect the GMP freq.
"Right guys, we can go once the Paki's moved his ars3!...Oh SSSHH."
Only the tumbleweed could be heard for the next 30 seconds!
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Quite a few years ago the national flag carrier is holding short at full length, and has been there for a while. Reason: Loads of VFR light aircraft and helo tfc landing in a terrible hurry due to a rather un-forecasted snow shower heading for the field.
Hero in the 737 on holding decides to inform passengers about cause for the delay.
".....ladies and gentlemen, when the ******* controllers are done playing god, we will be on our way....."
.....of course he did de-select COM1 before he pressed the mike right........
Any gap for departure suddenly vanished for another few minutes.......
Hero in the 737 on holding decides to inform passengers about cause for the delay.
".....ladies and gentlemen, when the ******* controllers are done playing god, we will be on our way....."
.....of course he did de-select COM1 before he pressed the mike right........
Any gap for departure suddenly vanished for another few minutes.......
Music Quizmeister
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In OZ long ago:
A group of RAAF Vampire jets heading opposite direction to a Speedbird who was (from memory - t'was a loooong time ago) looking for climb. Both asked to report sighting and passing (procedural control - outside Radar coverage).
Speedbird: "I can see the jets - well clear, request climb"
ATC: "Vampires confirm sighted and passed Speedbird" (rule required mutual sighting and passing)
RAAF Jet leader (who stuttered a bit) "Neg..Negative sighting"
Speedbird: "Oh come on man, you must be blind!!"
RAAF Jet Leader: "I'd rather be b..b..blind that a f...f...f**king Pom!"
A group of RAAF Vampire jets heading opposite direction to a Speedbird who was (from memory - t'was a loooong time ago) looking for climb. Both asked to report sighting and passing (procedural control - outside Radar coverage).
Speedbird: "I can see the jets - well clear, request climb"
ATC: "Vampires confirm sighted and passed Speedbird" (rule required mutual sighting and passing)
RAAF Jet leader (who stuttered a bit) "Neg..Negative sighting"
Speedbird: "Oh come on man, you must be blind!!"
RAAF Jet Leader: "I'd rather be b..b..blind that a f...f...f**king Pom!"
Avoid imitations
Join Date: Nov 2000
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A certain corporate helicopter pilot was rather frustrated that he (and everyone else, mind) was orbitting in the LHR zone due to a hold-up on the FATO at EGLW.
After about ten minutes he asked ATC what was going on. ATC explained there was a rotors running refuel on the Spot 1.
Said helicopter pilot then intending to brief his pax, but forgetting to select intercom, rather than remaining on VHF box 1, transmitted angrily: "Sorry folks, it's ATC's fault -they've completely f****d this up!!"
ATC: "Thanks for that, whoever it was!"
"Not us!" said we
, followed by at least two other innocent callsigns!
After about ten minutes he asked ATC what was going on. ATC explained there was a rotors running refuel on the Spot 1.
Said helicopter pilot then intending to brief his pax, but forgetting to select intercom, rather than remaining on VHF box 1, transmitted angrily: "Sorry folks, it's ATC's fault -they've completely f****d this up!!"
ATC: "Thanks for that, whoever it was!"
"Not us!" said we
, followed by at least two other innocent callsigns!
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I had a couple of intriguing ATC moments a few years back, both in a PA-28 in RAF Marham's MATZ, as it happens.
On one of them, I'd got my MATZ crossing clearance, was squawking whatever code he'd given me, and was just about to exit the MATZ, so I called them up to say ta-ta. No reply. Odd, I thought, perhaps they've gone home, so I called up Norwich Approach instead, and they suggested I have a word with London Information. This I did, and was told: "Stand by - I'll try phoning them". A minute or two later, London Info came back to me, instructing me to go back to Marham's frequency and "they'll be with you shortly". Sure enough, a minute or so later my Marham chap's voice came through the ether: "G-XXXX, sorry about that, my radio broke. They tell me at London Information that you're not here any more, so goodbye, squawk 7000, and have a nice afternoon".
Another time I was in Marham's MATZ (again), squawking the code they'd given me, and the same controller (very pleasant chap) was having problems with a C152 that was asking for MATZ crossing from "overhead Dereham". He was given a squawk, and was duly identified. Well, sort of. The conversation was something like this:
"G-XXXX, Marham radar: I have you identified, but you're not over Dereham, you're over Fakenham".
"Marham, G-XXXX: Negative, currently 2000' over East Dereham".
"G-XXXX, Marham: Do you have Fakenham on your map?".
(pause)
"G-XXXX, Marham: That's Fa-Ken-Ham. F-A-K-E-N-H-A-M".
"Marham, G-XXXX: I see Fakenham on the map, but I know I'm over Dereham".
"G-XXXX, Marham: Well my radar knows you're over Fakenham, so perhaps you'd like to think again".
At this point he called me:
"G-YYYY, Marham: Traffic in your vicinity, 2000', over FAKENHAM" (the emphasis was his) "please state your current position".
"Marham, G-YYYY: Currently overhead your runway, 2000', QNH <whatever>, heading 270".
"G-YYYY, Marham: Thankyou, at least one of you knows where he is".
On one of them, I'd got my MATZ crossing clearance, was squawking whatever code he'd given me, and was just about to exit the MATZ, so I called them up to say ta-ta. No reply. Odd, I thought, perhaps they've gone home, so I called up Norwich Approach instead, and they suggested I have a word with London Information. This I did, and was told: "Stand by - I'll try phoning them". A minute or two later, London Info came back to me, instructing me to go back to Marham's frequency and "they'll be with you shortly". Sure enough, a minute or so later my Marham chap's voice came through the ether: "G-XXXX, sorry about that, my radio broke. They tell me at London Information that you're not here any more, so goodbye, squawk 7000, and have a nice afternoon".
Another time I was in Marham's MATZ (again), squawking the code they'd given me, and the same controller (very pleasant chap) was having problems with a C152 that was asking for MATZ crossing from "overhead Dereham". He was given a squawk, and was duly identified. Well, sort of. The conversation was something like this:
"G-XXXX, Marham radar: I have you identified, but you're not over Dereham, you're over Fakenham".
"Marham, G-XXXX: Negative, currently 2000' over East Dereham".
"G-XXXX, Marham: Do you have Fakenham on your map?".
(pause)
"G-XXXX, Marham: That's Fa-Ken-Ham. F-A-K-E-N-H-A-M".
"Marham, G-XXXX: I see Fakenham on the map, but I know I'm over Dereham".
"G-XXXX, Marham: Well my radar knows you're over Fakenham, so perhaps you'd like to think again".
At this point he called me:
"G-YYYY, Marham: Traffic in your vicinity, 2000', over FAKENHAM" (the emphasis was his) "please state your current position".
"Marham, G-YYYY: Currently overhead your runway, 2000', QNH <whatever>, heading 270".
"G-YYYY, Marham: Thankyou, at least one of you knows where he is".
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A colleague of mine at EGCC one gave an earful over the RT to a Ryanair pilot for going the wrong way round the Juliet/Foxtrot roundabout. A bit unprofessional! Especially when there were no other aircraft moving at the time 
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Years ago on Gatwick Ground (when it was in the terminal building)
BCAL a/c takes wrong turning
ATC "BCAL what are you doing?"
BCAL "We thought it would be easier if we went behind the Laker"
ATC "BCAL. I'm paid to do the thinking - you're paid to do as you're f******g well told"
Silence
BCAL "Sorry"
And he got away with it (again)
BCAL a/c takes wrong turning
ATC "BCAL what are you doing?"
BCAL "We thought it would be easier if we went behind the Laker"
ATC "BCAL. I'm paid to do the thinking - you're paid to do as you're f******g well told"
Silence
BCAL "Sorry"
And he got away with it (again)
Luvverley!
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A few years ago, I was working my cotton socks off - loads of flying going on - and I had everything all set up, and it was good.
Thrown into this mix was some american chap inbound. He completely misinterpreted an instruction, and totally cocked up my fine plan. I got him out of the circuit, and re-joined him. And that was that, as far as I was concerned.
Until...... twenty minutes later I was on my break, downstairs in the cafe having a chat with some colleagues, when in walks the american pilot complaining very loudly about "that dumb bitch in the tower"!! and proceeded to sit at the table next to mine
I was laughing too hard to tell him it was me... Would have really enjoyed the look on his face, I reckon
Foxy
Thrown into this mix was some american chap inbound. He completely misinterpreted an instruction, and totally cocked up my fine plan. I got him out of the circuit, and re-joined him. And that was that, as far as I was concerned.
Until...... twenty minutes later I was on my break, downstairs in the cafe having a chat with some colleagues, when in walks the american pilot complaining very loudly about "that dumb bitch in the tower"!! and proceeded to sit at the table next to mine
I was laughing too hard to tell him it was me... Would have really enjoyed the look on his face, I reckon
Foxy
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Working on radar during a heavy north-about transatlantic session, a Japanair asked whether a beacon was working. After asking our Tels people, the Japanair was told that it was. There was a pause in the RT and then an american voice chipped in with, 'Say London, makes you wonder how they ever found Pearl Harbour!'
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Most of the items on here should be in the ATC humour thread - and a number of them are centuries old too!!
To get back to the main thread, the worst insult I ever had to endure from a pilot was when I was sitting on Heathrow GMP one day and a Speedbird chap called me "Gatwick Ground" (wherever that is). I mean to say...... dear oh dear..... Had to get the smelling salts out for that.
To get back to the main thread, the worst insult I ever had to endure from a pilot was when I was sitting on Heathrow GMP one day and a Speedbird chap called me "Gatwick Ground" (wherever that is). I mean to say...... dear oh dear..... Had to get the smelling salts out for that.