I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...

[GICASI]

[This message has been edited by GICASI (edited 22 February 2001).]

[BEagle]

4-star chum giving state of the nation brief to the assembled rabble at Waddo. FJ mate realises that it's nearly bar time and tries to bring the session to an end:

FJM:" Is it true that 29 Sqn are for the chop, Sir,.......and would you prefer yellow or brown?"

4*:" Sorry chaps, that's something I can't comment on at this stage as the impact of any such decision is still being assessed"

FJM:" OK, Sir. But what about 29 Sqn??"

Fortunately the (now-retired) 4* was a top bloke and saw the funny side!!

[Jensen]

On OCC at Henlow some years ago, the directing staff wheeled on a 1* to give a State of the Nation chat to the 60 Flt Lts on the course. This particular 1* was Deputy AOC Bracknell, and we soon found out he had a sense of humour when he invited questions at the end of his talk.

GR1 Nav stands up and asks: 'Sir, why is orange jam called marmalade?'

a few seconds later,

Harrier mate asks: 'Sir, and why do cricketers wear long trousers in the summer, and footballers wear shorts in the winter?'

[Wholigan]

Once upon a time, there was a young flying officer on 1 Sqn flying Hunters from West Raynham. This dashing young aviator and all of his other dashing young mates were in the bar getting ever so slightly happy one Sunday evening, when an old(er) chap in a suit came in and started drinking. He then joined in the chat and - after about half an hour - we steely-eyed killers decided that this chap was a complete prat and was continuously talking bollocks.

Summoning up all of his tact and diplomacy, the young dasher said to this chap (who as yet had not introduced himself), "if all you're goiing to do is stand there talking cr@p and pissing us off with your complete and utter obviously know sod all bollocks, if it's all the same to you we'd rather you fu(&ed off to bed and left us sane people alone to talk sense to each other". Said chap duly fu(&ed off!!!

Walking to Met Brief next morning, the dashing young killer met this same chap going into SHQ, wearing gold braid on his cap. He was the new Stn Cdr!!!

My career's never looked back since (or is that forward?).

[Helical Spline]

Quiz nite in MPA
Q- which island was discovered on Easter day 1765??
OC1312- Christmas island!!!

[kbf1]

I did a course a few years ago, and one of the guys was a real keeney-beany type who kept asking numpty questions and trying to impress. A Col from HQLand came and did his bit on whatever the topic of the day happened to be and at any Q's this guy put his hand up. In asking the Q, said numpty used an acronym he had made up himself (can't remember what it was now)and the Col graciously answered. On completion of his point the Col added "oh yes, and if you call *said division* that again, I'll come down there and kick your f%$*&^g head in!" :)

------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

[BEagle]

Visiting multi-starred wheel talking to the chaps in a Buccaneer crewroom in the mid '70s:

VMSW:" So, although we didn't get our F111s, the dear old Bucc will soldier on for a few more years yet, but soon you'll all be flying the TSR2"

Bucc Chap:" No we won't - it was cancelled 10 years ago"

VWSM:" Sorry, slip of the tongue. I meant, of course, the AFVG!"

BC:" Except that was cancelled 8 years ago!!"

VWSM:" Well the M, MC...what's it called?"

BC:" MRCA?"

VWSM:" Yes, of course. MRCA. Well, must go now, so many people to talk to, so little time. Carry on chaps"

A man who clearly knew his ar$e from his elbow. Not. The 'few more years yet' turned out to be 20!!

[Dimmer Switch]

A very senior EW man was in debate with the builders of a shiny, new, noughts and ones intensive EW system. They were choosing not to display semi-intuitive descriptions of the scan modes (e.g. conic, rastr etc.), and to simply allocate single letters to each.
In very crowded room, aforementioned venerable EW man stated, "It's unacceptable, I mean if you persist down this route, we'll have to teach the operators the whole alphabet" !!!

[chequesicks]

An elderly gentleman walked into the bar at RAF Leemingthorpe, sporting a rather natty pair of golfing pantaloons. A young fighter mate, upon noticing the old chap, enquired, a little aggressively, "who the £u(k are you, and what the £u(k are those"?
"They", quoth the old giffer, "are plus-fores. I am AOC n Group." (Where n is an integer between 1 and 20.)

[droptank]

We need to keep this one at the top of the leader board - even if Wholigan and I have to scan the Imperial War Museum exhibits to do it!

Legend relates that, in the early 1950s, when even BEagle was in short trousers, Wholigan had a LEGITIMATE interest in 12-year olds and GICASI didn't know what GICASI stood for, an AOC ('airship' in yoof speek) was inspecting a station. As was the wont, in those days, the 'blunties' paraded at the front but the aircrew, who couldn't ebven march in them days, stood at the back in front of the aircraft (Ansons!).

Just as he started down the aircraft line, the AOC turned to the Staish and said:

'Anybody here I should know?'

'Yessir! - third crew along, very tall chap with handlebar moustache - Master Pilot (Remember them?!!) Szimieczin. Polish - DFM, AFM and the Polish VC'.

AOC stops in fron of third crew. Looks up at very tall Master Pilot.

'Ah! Szimieczin. How long have you been here?'

PAUSE - then VERY LOUDLY

'Thanks to you Sir, all fuc75n' day!'

[Jackonicko]

Believe said Pole was the RAF's last WW2 pilot still flying, and retired in the late 70s from flying Devons. Christian name Jzrzy or something equally unspellable!

[droptank]

Don't know - but there was another story about the Polish pilot who - when asked to read the bottom line on the eyesight chart - is alleged to have said:

'Read it? I know him!'

[Jensen]

10-15 years ago during IOT grad parade. The parade cdr (Scotsman, now a S/L engineer - but a top bloke) does all his stuff marching the 150+ cadets around infront of CHOM shouting all the right orders as he goes.
There's that point in the parade where the parade cdr has to march up to the 4* reviewing officer, salute impressively with his sword (without stabbing himself) and then say something like:

"Number xyz Initial Officer Training Squadron presented to Reviewing Officer. Permission to proceed with the Parade, Sir?" (Can't remember exact words - but you get the general idea).

At which point the 4* salutes back, the parade cdr salutes, does smart about turn, and carries on. Problem was, this Scotsman (he told me this story himself) was trying very hard to do everything just right: the marching, the orders, the sword salutes, etc. So when he had marched up to the 4* and saluted, his mind went a complete and utter blank.

Panic.

After a very short pause he says to the 4*:

"Well, that's it then"

Then without waiting for the signal from the 4*, he saluted, did about turn, and went on to finish the parade.

A couple of hours later, during drinkies in CHOM, said Scotsman spots said 4* in the crowded ante room. Spends next 15 mins manoeuvring himself so that wherever the 4* goes, the Scotsman is always still on the other side of the room. Eventually, 4* catches up and says "Brilliant. I've never heard anything like that before, I was so stunned I forgot to salute back." Relief all round.

[This message has been edited by Jensen (edited 18 July 2000).]

[GICASI]

Early 80s, GR3 sqn in Germany (not the Happy One). The GR3 was receiving the Phase 6 mod package, one of which was a radalt (no, not connected to anything like the weapon aiming system, just a miniature dial in an almost invisible location). One of the more serious flt lt QWI wannabees was giving this particular briefing. All went well, right up to his last remark which was "Of course, I wouldn't have done it like that. It's pinging away the whole time and it's gonna give us away. I would have left it on standby until the bomb flap was raised, then I would have fired it up". Briefing complete, or so the assembled thought, when a newly arrived pilot, looking perplexed and with his index finger motioning upwards asked "Why would you want to fire a radalt UP"?

[Autorev]

During Met groudschool at Shawbury, one of the Navs on my course was struggling a bit with the 'hazards associated with thunderstorms'. "Excuse me, I'm happy with this Saint Elmo's Fire stuff, but what's Saint Atic?"
Even his wife calls him Static now. :)

[Talking Radalt]

In the good old days of Airmans' command School at Hereford, attended a course where Senior Man was, in fact, a rather tidy nurse with a whole 12 months military service, the obvious choice to command (all male) course, most of whom were long term groundies.
After the obligatory bullnight and subsequent standard bo££ocking from the DS, she gave a long, inspiring speech about team work and pulling together, rounding off by declaring:
"After that bullnight the staff really came down on me, so if I find out who let the side down, I'LL GO DOWN ON THEM!"
Oh how we tittered, Cue waterworks from said nurse.

[Wholigan]

Having finished on the Gnat at Valley, I managed to crash a car, which ended up with me having to wait for a court appearance. I therefore missed the start of the Hunter OCU at Chivenor. So the system came up with the bright idea of me going to Bristol to stand next to a Gnat mock-up in the basement of Debenhams and answer endless questions all day for a couple of weeks.

It was amazing how many snotty (literally) little bas***ds came up each day, pointed to the pitot tube and said "Is that a cannon mister?".

After about a week of this I finally got a bit dis-chuffed and, when the next little snotty came up and said "What's that mister?", I said "It's a cannon".

This little snotty said "Show's how much you know mate, it's a pitot tube" .... wa#£er....

The 2 weeks did have an up side though. The basement of Debenhams also housed all the perfume and make-up displays, manned (or should I say womanned) by some very tasty young things .....................

[This message has been edited by Wholigan (edited 20 July 2000).]

[Wholigan]

Not so much a "wish I hadn't said that". Rather a "HELL I WISH I'D SAID/DONE THAT!!"
A Hunter sqn in (I think) Aden - someone will remember which and who and post it here in due course. I wasn't there, but the story became quite famous.

Sqn in bar till God knows when one night and a certain amount of damage/mild(?) high jinks ensued.

Next day, Sqn boss called into Stn Cdr and given huge roasting and told to sort his sqn out with major bollocking.

A bit later, Boss calls all into his office - with hats on -and gets them to stand to attention in front of him.

He then comes round the other side of the desk --- puts on his hat --- presses 'play' on the tape recorder and proceeds to accept a major bollocking (that he'd recorded) with his troops.

Style -------------

[Nil nos tremefacit]

Grad parade:

VIP(to grad stude): 'Who's the Chief of the Air Staff?'

Stude: 'Sir Jeremy Beetham'

VIP: 'It's Sir Michael Beetham'

Stude: 'Sorry Sir. I'm not on first name terms'

--------------------------------------------

Visit to Nav School by Bairsto (known for his mumbling). Calls in to clasroom and mumbles something to Station Commander - turns to stude and says 'What do you think?'

Stude: 'I didn't hear what you said Sir, but I'm sure you're right!' (Hats on interview next morning)

[smooth approach]

Nimrod taxying through the wash-down at Kinloss. Out the other side, the ever helpful female air trafficker says:

"I suppose you could do with a bl**-job now"

A resounding affirmative from the crew.

[ORAC]

Absolutely totally honest story of a WAAF ATC controller at Coltisahall (GW are the initials) who back in the 70's (god I'm old) caused at least one Jag pilot to circle for at leat 15 minutes in tears after coming out with ""Overshoot, overshoot, I've just had an abortion on the runway".

[droptank]

TR

You seem to be trying to make this thread serious and get onto the 'airships are idiots and we have a retention problem' issue. Fine in its place but this was meant to be a 'funthread'.

Stop being a miserable bu99er!

[Talking Radalt]

ok sorry drop tank, how about this, more of a visual gag but here goes.
Following an inter-course rugby match pi$$ up, despite lengthy pleas from the bar staff to refrain, everyone is merrily whizzing beermats around the rugby club, frisbee style.....until one hits the CO's wife squarely between the eyes.
The place freezes...the odd glass rolls off a table and smashes...a little subdued laughing here and there and someone at the back swears quietly, then the suitably infuriated boss declares the whole wing is on parade the next morning. Crack of sparrows the next day, entire training wing (the thick end of 1000 young blokes) is lined up on the Square, the SWO pacing up and down behind the ranks swearing profusely, until the boss arrives.
SWO calls the whole wing to attention, 1000 size 9 boots stamp the tarmac of the parade square, boss clambers on to dias and is faced by.....row upon row of witty chaps all with beer mats wedged on the bridge of their nose.
(After about the third day of a further week of early morning wing parades even we couldn't see the joke anymore)

[This message has been edited by Talking Radalt (edited 21 July 2000).]

[Grey Area]

I had the honour of taking a bollocking for one of my air engineer mechanics (Navy) at MPA.

Said young (and dim) man was wandering in his most slovenly and hats off manner up the main drag when he spotted a Royal Signals Major in best mess rig (all gold, fiddly bits and red stripes down the legs etc) on the way to a mess dinner. In true FAA fashion he shoved his hands in his pockets and fixed his gaze 1 pace ahead of him.

As they passed the Major stopped and looked straight at him, then bellowed “Don’t you pay compliments to Officers in your service young man?”

“Nice Strides Sir!” came the immediate reply. I think the Duty Man tracked me down in about 3 minutes! :)

[kbf1]

The RC sky pilot at Gutersloh was a top bloke who spent a lot of time going between the sqns and support units to speak to the guys at work and generally spend time listening. One day he payed us a visit and was encouraging us to make daily thought offerings as a way to come to terms with pricatical difficulties people were facing of sort or another. By thinking about the things near and dear to us, he argued, we could dispell thoughts of fear and anxiety and prevent us from becoming overwelemed and withdrawn. he used the analogy of a waking from a nightmare, and by contrast waking from a nice, pleasant ream. he asked "when you have a dream that makes you feel all warm and fluffy and you wake up and think HHHMMMMM *shakes shoulders and smiles*, what's the first thing you do?"......"Wipe the sheets!" I replied

------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

[Mowgli]

FJ formation was split after being bounced, JP lost the plot, and wasn't with the rest of the gang:

"4 from 3, where are you?"

"4s orbiting over Penrith"

"What are you doing THERE?"

"Orbiting over"

[ORAC]

Pair of 43 Sqn F4's over North Sea.

Lead: "2, give me a visual, my centreline isn't feeding"

2: "You have'nt got a centreline"

Lead: "S**t, I signed for one!"

[Wholigan]

Rashid range in Middle East.

4 Hunters on bombs/rockets/strafe sortie, carrying 230 gallon drop tanks.

In those days, switches were a nightmare, with every aircraft having weapons switches in different places.

You can guess the outcome, but the good bit was, having pickled off the drop tanks instead of practice bombs, the chappies' very next radio call was --- "2 Bingo".

[Talking Radalt]

Entry in 707A by crew:
"IFF mode select switch insecure"

Witty response on job card from groundcrew:
"IFF mode select switch referred to padre for counselling"

[This message has been edited by Talking Radalt (edited 23 July 2000).]

[Aid Smith]

Second-hand story I'm afraid, but worth passind on:

An exchange between an American pilot and London Mil, sporting a particularly sexy female voice:

ATC: "blah blah....QNH 1020"
Yank "Be advised ma'am that I need that in inches"
ATC "Don't we all"

[ORAC]

Again Leuchars F4s.

Lead: "2, Sunray, how do I turn on my gunsight"

(Sunray (Stn Cdr) had just arrived from CY and OCU on FGR2, he justified himself on the grounds that he new the emergency action differences between the FG1 and FGR2 but could not be expected to know all the minor differences between the marks from the start. Personally, I thought the weapon system in a military jet had a certain primary function, but who am I to argue with a future 3/4 star??)

[Pocket Rocket]

Another one associated with engineering faults.

Fault reported after flight in piston trainer as:

"Engine appears to be missing"

Ground Crew Remedy:

"Unable to reproduce fault on ground, Engine found to be present in aircraft"

[BEagle]

Student snags transponder:"ATC report no height readout"

Fault is cleared:"The label NO HEIGHT INFORMATION affixed to the transponder pointed out to pilot as indicating that the transponder will not transmit height information"

And again:

Student reports:"ATC report weak Comm 1 transmissions"

Fault is cleared:"Knob on end of microphone changed!! Pilot rebriefed on where to position microphone when making radio transmissions"

[Helical Spline]

Nellis AFB
"Thor 03, clear to land RW 13 left.Caution C-130 is awaiting departure on RW 13 Right.
"Roger-erm, what height is the C-130 at??" Stunned silence from tower.
En-Route to Montevid with AOC and wife aboard. ALM, 20 mins after handing out the butty boxes, asked the 2* on intercom
"Is your wifes box nice sir?"

[Reheat On]

In the days of the last century (mid-late 70's, empire still in living memory, Vulcans in Cyprus) the Hawk was very shiny and barely run in. The Gnat was the purist machine of choice.

The story goes of a Gnat 4-ship returning for a break: QFI in #4, stoods in 1,2 & 3

500', 420kts, nice and tight lads, watch the spacing round the corner, 2 second break on my call, and remember - snap roll and 4 g turn for plane spotters symmetry.

What happens?

Break break - go - #1 - roll and pull; #2 - roll and pull; #3 pull and roll ; QFI roll and pull while struggling to see altitood gaining stood!

4 minutes later a mysterious gnat rejoined from the overhead, and a 4 ship did an absent friend finals!

trouble is, never actually met the jock: I suspect everyone tried that at some time!

[JimNich]

Just before the NCO aircrew "after lunch" parade at Finningly one of the guys is told that the back of his No 2 jacket is covered in tomato ketchup (a jolly prank from the junior ranks with who(m)? we shared a mess).
Anyway, said chap has no time to clear it off and decides to brave it out at the back of the parade, hoping the inspecting officer will bore of the task before getting to him (as often happened).
Unfortunately the Officer was in a particularly meticulous mood today and the whole parade held its breath as he went behind mateyboy.
"OH MY GOD T*******N, WHAT THE F*** IS THIS ON YOUR BACK!!!!!????"
"Errrr....tomato ketchup sir".
"I KNOW WHAT IT F***ING WELL IS, WHAT THE F*** IS IT DOING THERE!?"
"Well sir, errrm, we'd run out of salad cream".
Inspecting officer departs very quickly, no more is said.

[droptank]

Great! Really enjoyed the weekend's crop - must be the beer 'cos it can't be the weather that brought you out in droves!

Went to a Dining-in Night once - Can't remember which decade but very vaguely remember that 9 of us got there in a Ford Popular. When it got to the speeches at the end, we were dining-out about 8 million people and the 'Staish' (Yuk! Yoof-speak!!) was meticulous about giving each his/her 5 minutes of 'stroking' so, by the time the reply was delivered, all present well and truly 'bladder-wracked'.

Reply delivered by a 'retiree' who, after 35 years service, wished to relive every moment with us on his last night in the 'Mob'. After about 20 minutes, having reached the Korean War, he was forced to pause for breath. Into the (temporary) silence, a Wee Small Voice from the bottom of one of the tables crashed with:

'Oh God! Why doesn't the old fa%t shut up. I'm desperate for a p*ss!'

(The 'Staish') 'Whoever said that - in my office 0800 tomorrow morning!'

[Wee Small Voice'] 'Thanks for the offer, Sir, but I need to go now!'

[Fretus Pennae]

IOT Peacekeeper (Camp 2 for the older ones). Cadets setting up an enemy patrol ambush under the command of a very young, slightly naive, direct entrant. 'Right', she says 'we'll all be in position, but remember - no-one is to fire until fired upon.'
'But we're the enemy and aren't we supposed to be ambushing them?'.
To which she replies,'Well, it doesn't seem very fair does it?'.

Later in the same patrol, she gave the instruction 'When I pat my head like this (indicates) I want you all to come on me quickly'.
Military discipline in the patrol collapsed.

[PurplePitot]

During the chipmunk phase of the pilot’s course at MW the time had come for our first solos. Naturally we all agreed to meet up just South of Salisbury for the obligatory dogfight. My very good friend found himself a few hours later at three thousand feet stooging around the cathedral waiting for said matey to arrive. Once spied the dive was commenced straight out of the sun and as he flashed past the lonesome chippy he was heard to cry; "dagga, dagga, dagga" on the radio in the time honoured tradition. It was only as he reached terminal velocity abeam the target that he realised there were two very visible helmets to be seen!! Back in the students crewroom it didn’t take long before the call came through on the tannoy summoning him to the CFIs office where he was asked in no uncertain terms as to what the f**k he thought he was doing and what the hell was he saying “dagga, dagga, dagga” for on the radio? To which my friend replied; “I’m sorry Sir, I was to close for rockets I had to go for guns” - He passed the course too!

[samsonyte]

RAF Station, Germany, Cold War days.

Telephone call to the Officers' Mess, answered by the SDO:

Caller - 'hello, can I speak with the Station Commander, please. This is Air Chief Marshall X'

SDO - Pull the other one'

Caller - 'This is ACM X'

SDO - 'F**k off, Noddy' - puts phone down.

Next day, Harry's office, SDO ordered to London for 'Interview without coffee' in ACMs office. Arrives the next day at 0830 in No 1's, and waits in ACM's outer office ... all day. Finally at the end of the day, gets the summons, marches into office. After 5 minutes' of SDO standing to attention, ACM looks up from his dek, says 'F**k off, Noddy', carries on working. End of interview.

[PurplePilot]

There was the multi-national exercise in Germany a few years back, where the assembled throng several hundred deep (SH aircrew at the back, naturally) were about to be addressed by the ex-2 Para, ex-RMC Sandhurst Commandant. As he moved up to the microphone and started off with "Good morning, my name's Lt General..." one of the crewmen, remembering Capt Mainwaring's best-known line, shouted "don't tell them your name, Pike". Can't remember what happened to him...

[Top Bunk Tester]

A few years ago at the home of Albert, one said Albert was long finals when a new sexy voice was heard from Air Tragic. Young lady, having just arrived and started her shift, totally fluffed her lines. She apologised with "Sorry, I've just come on" towit reply from from now creased up front end of Albert "Request your RHAG state". Needless to say Capt had one of those "Your hat, my office" chats with OC sqn on landing.

[Fishbones]

Tanker mate was trialing a formation of FJs. Half way through the long trip, trying to be amusing, the Tanker captain requests visual inspection. Tornado mate comes alongside, happy to oblige, and sees centerfold of a porn mag held up to the windscreen, tanker mate says:-

"can you see a crack in the windscreen?"

quick as a flash the Tornado mate replies:-

"no but I can see a C*NT in the cockpit"

[Wee Jock]

Must be something about Coltishall, a lady mate of mine once announced that someone had ejaculated on the RW.
Also heard a very nervous JP stude call up for recovery at FL900. He was told to report re-entry.
And is the following story true? (I hope it is.) V busy circuit, controller starting to lose it, makes a bad decision which is greeted with 'oh for f#*%s sake', to which the lamentably silly person in the tower shrieks 'who said that?' Every aircraft in the circuit replied (rumoured to be 6) well I never said f#*%, no I didn't say f#*% either, did you say f#*%.....

[Classic]

At Church Fenton, sometime many summers ago, weekly tannoy test from ATC by a notoriously dim ATC girl broadcast to the whole station. "Standby for test of the Station tannoy system from Air Traffic Control. A, B, C, D, E,...E, D, C....er....end of test!"

[Nil nos tremefacit]

Anyone remember the little wall boilers we made tea with? One was coming to boil during exercise.

Bright female DI staff, in accusatory fashion, 'Sergeant, what does that siren mean to you?'

'Tea's ready ma'am'

[ORAC]

Crewroom during Falklands war, the morning after the Belgrano had been sunk. A Welsh SAC with a well known sense of humour comes in.

SAC: "Sir, the Belgrano, him what fired the torpedo, would he be an officer then?"

Me: "Yes."

SAC: (Sagely) "Ah, that's all right then, youthful high spirits!"

[Self Loading Freight]

A story relayed to me by a jolly chap at Blandford: wee small hours on an army exercise in BAOR in the early 70s. Nothing was happening, nothing was going to happen, neither bed nor Ivan loomed large.

Eventually, the radio wakes up: "Are there any friendly bears out there?", "Yes, I'm a friendly bear", "I'm a friendly bear too", and so on up and down the net This went on for a bit until an outraged voice broke in and proceeded to read the riot act about w/t security, discipline, procedures and so on.

There was silence on the channel for about ten seconds.

"You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

R

[Ronin]

Cold war days when SR71s were at an airfield in Suffolk and Eastern radar still existed.

SR "Mission xxx requesting Flight Level 650"

Obnoxious WRAF controller -" HA.... you can have 650 if you can get it"

SR " Roger maam, descending 650"

[WebPilot]

Air Cell Northwood where nothing happens almost ever. SAC and LAC ops clerks running the plot, bored with no officers about, start playing 'golf' with a walking stick and a file 13 when WingCo and entourage walk in unexpectedly. Horrible silence, followed by massive rocket ended with the deathless phrase 'why didn't you use you initiative?'

SAC 'No-one told us to, Sir!'

Luckily not all SOs are totally humourless...

[ORAC]

Mid 70's. North Sea.

Lone F4 scrambled during a survival scramble checks in with CRC:

"Neat, be advised this a war-goer only and I have no serviceable navaids on board".

Silence for about 30 seconds, then a second voice comes up:

"I consider that a personal insult!"

[Throttle Pusher]

Back in the time of the Iranian hostage crisis, a Nimrod crew were on detachment at an American base. The whole crew, knockers included, were taking advantage of American hospitality and cheap beer in the O's club when the Base Commander decided to give a welcome speech.
During the speech, he touched on the hostage situation sayin, "I'd just like to remind everybody that while we're her drinking and enjoying ourselves, fellows Americans are beeing held hostage by that evil regime in Iran" At which stage, the rather tanked up junior siggie shouts,
"Three cheers for the Ayatolla"

[desertbootz]

This more of a 'I wished he hadn't said that...'. R&R returnees to Aldergrove used to be picked up in civvies by Ulster Buses, some pi$$ poor attempt at being covert perhaps? Whatever, noone was happy with the arrangement and sure enough a bus carrying X Battalion The Y Infantry was bumped with the away team left picking whats left of half a dozen mates out of the trees. Big news, everyone extremely upset, questions in The House etc.
Very shortly afterwards an opportunity came up to offer X Battalion The Y Infantry some work further South 'flushing game' and they, of course, leapt at the chance to go where nothing moves unless it's by Shanks or Fan and it looked like getting a bit hairy.
Buzzard Dude at the receiving end is an ex-hooligan, not known for his tact. He greets the first chalk off the Fan and some shiny new bloke tries the conversational opener of asking him wot the plan is, "I understand we're the 'come on', get them to commit on us and then you chaps pounce" says the shiny one.
"That WAS our plan" replies the ex-hooligan "but then WE all thought you were coming down by bus..."

[ORANGEWHIP]

Bored QHI (allegedly) goes fishing on a quiet afternoon in LFA 9,"I'm bored". Immediately hooks biggest fish in the pond,"who said that?". Dispatches said fish with consummate ease, "Not that f***ing bored"

[BEagle]

Duty grunt trying to explain the crucial need for imprisoning mates for weeks on end on that piece of unwanted $hit off Argentina:
"We have to be on our guard. They may come by sea, they may come by air, they may come by err....other means!"
Bored aircrew mate responds "Such as what? Rail, road, time machine? F*cking carrier pigeon??"

But still we protect the sheep-$haggers from the evil Argie hordes(?). Presumably to keep that old tart with the handbag quiet.

[Guido]

Back in the mid-70's at that most brilliant of training bases near York a student had cut it a bit fine to have breakfast and still get to met brief. The Stn Cdr at that time was the well known ex F4 Sqn boss who, during a flypast for the freedom of St Andrews, called "Reheat, Reheat Go ….. Now" only to watch as his Vic become inverted and receive the admiration of all spectators except those in the know - his AOC was on the dais with the dignitaries. Anyway it was his foible to always enter the briefing room in an old barrack block just as the duty stude was at the "in 10 seconds" to the timehack. He would then arrive at his seat in the front as the stude called "hack" to allow him to say "sit down gentlemen". Pretty punchy and impressive stuff for abo's.
Back to the student who was running a bit late and now making swastikas across the short distance from the back of the mess with the leg restraints clacking nineteen to the dozen. A quick recce of the outside proved no Stn Cdr's car so the decision to attend met brief at the very last second (actually 30 secs) was made rather than skip it and hope the Flt Cdr wouldn't ask silly met questions. This was his first error.
Bursting into the outer entrance and pausing to try and get his breath back prior to slipping unnoticed?? into the back of the briefing room he was stunned to be confronted face to face with Harry Staish. (It was his other foible to turn up about 15 minutes early, hide in the room opposite the briefing room and take note of the arrivals' dress and the like and save the gen for when he could most abuse it as was found out by a young Sqn Cdr). At this point he looked at the red-faced spotty youth's chest and said "Late again then F****L!". Stude, still trying to recover his wits blurted out "Yes sir, so am I" . Second mistake.
Purple fit ensues and Staish storms into briefing 5secs late. Ego dented. Third mistake. (duty stude bollo**ed for being early with timehack - Sorry Ed I'll buy you that beer sometime).
End result: 2 weeks duty student for me, including timehack at early met brief and I never wore a flying badge with my name on it for over twenty years. Just as well 'cause I cocked up in Cyprus a lot later and got away with it, but that's another story.

[Madness]

Lovely story from my time at Linton. All the boys having a dining in night and very,very drunk ATC offficer being dined out. ATC bloke replying to Stn Cdr kind words, "Thank you sir, I heard a funny story about OC A last night" OC A was a fierce Matron type character, "OC A was learning to play golf with a pro. Pro tries everything but cannot get OC A to hit the ball properly. Finally he says "OCA grip the club like your husbands knob" Whack 300 yds "That was great now take the club out of your mouth"
OC A crinkles hugely as everyone including the Staish collapse in laughter and storms out. ATC bloke interviews at Staish's house at 9.00 next morning and whole Mess given harsh chat about standards

[kbf1]

Guido..tell us more old boy

*pulling up a sandbag*

------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

[Swept]

I remember that too Madness.

Seem to remember said OCA and her husband walked out of the dining-in night early and husband declared never to attend a mess function again....obviously not got too good a handicap!!

[sumosan]

SAC(W) in a control tower in the north of Scotland, drinking a mug of hot water:

"This reminds me of swallowing a load in the shower".

Jag pilot to Colt Director:

"I'd like radar vectors for a self-positioned ILS".

Junior ATC officer making a tannoy during an emergency state at the last home of the Lightning:

"Emergency Sate 2 terminated - aircraft crashed in the North Sea"

Another from an engineering log (American):

"Aircraft flies funny"

"Aircraft giving a severe talking to and told to straighten up and fly right"

[Gainesy]

Wittering, Mid-70s, Tannoy:"Fire,Fire,Fire,There is a dog in the Fire Section...er" Click.

[samsonyte]

Bruggen, 1990 (ish) - 'Fire, Fire, Fire. There is a fire in the Station Incinerator'

[snaggletooth]

Two chaps sharing a room in Belize a few years ago. Man 'A' (sober) awakes in the wee small hours to see Man 'B' (totally c**ted), asleep and lagging into Man 'A's wardrobe.

Man 'A':"B***y! What the f**k are you doing!!"
Man 'B', in a totally unconcerned and innocent voice : "I'm havin' a piddle mate"

Good Work Fella! :)

[Geetupaa]

One Ive heard from the crewroom . .

A Herc captain whilst boarding points to his luggage on the pan and tells the loadie " Loadmaster, my luggage "

On arrival at some far flung place the captain is unable to find his cases

Captain " Loadie where are my suitcases ?"

To which the loadie replies " Probably still on the pan where you pointed them out "

[EmpireOne]

Not my stories but I'm sure a few will know the persons involved:

Lynx in Bosnia being flown by very senior WO2 and young L/Cpl Air Observer/Gunner with assorted Generals and Brigadiers including very gruff DCOMSFOR in the back. Enroute to LZ gruff DCOMSFOR was dishing out roastings to Brigadiers. On arrival at LZ pax disembarked. Senior WO2 not realising that a) ICS selector was on 'all' and b)DCOMSFOR was not getting off at this stop, said to L/Cpl ******,"Has that grumpy f**ker got out yet?" L/Cpl's jaw falls off as voice from back says, "No Mr *******, that grumpy f**ker is still on board!"

A few weeks later same L/Cpl was flying with SGT acft capt and Brigadier in the back. Without acft capt noticing L/Cpl flicks ICS switch to 'Cockpit',leans over and mockingly says, "I love you Sgt ***." He then immediately and covertly flicks ICS selector back to 'all'. Seconds go by when Sgt *** looks back at L/Cpl and says, "L/Cpl ******, I love you!." This is very quickly followed by Brigadier's eyes going out on stalks and two up front receive a roasting.
http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/redface.gif

[PFL]

Flying a PAR into a Hun RAF base with a newish pilot. Making the chap work hard for the privelege, he was doing all the work.

Controller ... "Descend to 2000ft, when level confirm cockpit checks complete"

Pilot, being highly efficient had already done them, so .....

Pilot .... "Checkpit Cocks complete ..... "

The ensuing laughter could be heard from both sides of R/T.

[UnwellRaptor]

A very aggressive US Marine Colonel was taking part in exercises in North Norway. A Norwegian friend of mine who was then a Major was assigned to look after him. Following a cock-up with the maps the Marine threw a huge tantrum and demanded that all of the maps should be re-drawn and on his desk before sundown. He turned to the Norwegian and snapped "what time will that be Major?"

"Late October Sir" was the reply.

[old'n'bold]

At the return of Diana, Princess of Wales, to London following the accident in Paris, you will recall the RAF Regt acted as pall bearers with their customary style. You may also remember Prince Charles speaking to each of the pall bearers after the coffin was safely entrusted to the hearse. After thanking each of the troops, he addressed the OIC. "Thank you very much, that was very sensitively handled." "That's alright, Sir," quoth the slightly fraught Fg Off, "anytime".

[BEagle]

Rumour hath it that, occasionally, the duty officer of the guard (or whatever it's called up at the house at the end of the mall) is 'invited' to make up the number at dinner. Once upon a time this honour befell a junior Rock at short notice. Hurling on his mess kit, he arrived breathless just before the soup and sat uneasily in the company of the Royals. One of whom, who might be known irreverently as 'Stavros', looked at the young man in his cummerbund and said " Doesn't the RAF wear white waistcoats any more?" "No sir, only on special occasions" replied the Rock!!

Such as having dinner with HM??

[oldgit47]

Many moons ago at the college of knowledge, a Senior Flight Cadet called BL turned up for the saturday morning parade in a dreaful state after a night on the tiles. An irate SWO looked him up and down and pointing his swagger stick said:
"Mr L their is a c***t at the end of this stick."
Well within the two seconds came the reply:
"Not my end Mr G."
Didn't see him n Lincoln again for some time. Can't imagine why?

[BEagle]

Mr G?? Cadet Wing Warrant Officer Garbutt, perchance?

[HugMonster]

I've been loving this thread!

A tale I was told by the corporal clerk concerned...

At a certain mixed RAF/AAC base/civilian airport, a brand new one-striper was proving just a tad obnoxious in refusing to take advice from men twenty years his senior because they got their nosh in a different building from him.

One day when he told his clerk to ask the SWO to come and see him, clerk dutifully (and gleefully) did so, advising the astonished voice on the end of the phone that he was merely following orders.

SWO turns up, stalks into the office opposite the clerk's desk. Door slams shut with a ferocity that has aircraft on the take-off roll wondering what that noise was. Seconds later, it flies open again, and a chair comes flying out. Chair is followed after a very brief pause by the SWO, who heads out of the main door, says to the clerk who is, by now, trying less and less successfully to keep a straight face, "He told me to take a seat - so I did" and SWO instructs the clerk to "have him come see me when he's figured out who runs this place".

[ShyTorque]

Flustered Puma student on being given engine fire:

"Prastish, Plastish....Plastic Pan, Plastic Pan"

[Hertz Van Rental]

Similar to Geets story.
Late 80s a certain Nimrod Sqn Cdr (MAC) departing for S Atlantic, points to his bags and tells the nearest SNCO to keep an eye on them.
2 mins after take off and going IMC.
"Captain - Port Beam. Just lost sight of your bags Sir."

[oldgit47]

BEagle, I could't possibly comment. But it was 67 ish.

[StopStart]

Lyneham crew taking a day off near the coast somewhere. Couple of crew members wandering along the beach meet the (infamous) captain coming the other way wearing only one flip-flop:
"Hiya captain, lost a flip-flop?"
"No," comes the reply, "found one."

[jumpseater]

Couple of mates on skiing holiday in Norway, due to cost of local booze have taken some duty free supplies in with them.
After a hard day on the piste they retire to the sauna at the Hotel where they meet some locals and banter follows, which gets on to subject of high booze prices.

Mr UK: Hey we,ve got extra whisky and vodka we brought in would you like to buy some?
Sven: Thank you but no thanks
Mr UK: Its ok really good price, we dont mind
Sven: No really we can't accept your offer,
Mr UK: Go on, you can have it at what we paid for it,
Sven: No we can't, we're Customs officer's on a course here!
Mr UK: I'll get my towel then.

[Pilot Pacifier]

At a helicopter-landing site in NE Bosnia, a female Chinook pilot landing in turn behind an American Blackhawk was heard to say over the R/T, “better not park there as I’ll really blow you…” to stunned audience of all those on headset!

[Pilot Pacifier]

Back when the first Chinooks deployed out to Bosnia we would take great delight in taking any interested females flying with us. One day a blonde Army Captain turned up and she was ushered in to the jumpseat by a hugely grinning pilot.
After a 2 hour flight where he explained what all the controls, knobs and switches did in the most simplistic terms (not to mention buttering her up as much as humanly possible), he eventually asked what she did in the Army.
“Oh, I’m a Lynx pilot" she replied!
The hole that opened up beneath him just wasn’t big enough. The rest of the crew of course just couldn’t contain themselves…..


[This message has been edited by Pilot Pacifier (edited 25 August 2000).]

[ShyTorque]

Many years ago in Belize we were carrying the AOC plus party of assorted Squadron Leaders including one WRAF.

Scouser crewman went out to oversee the start but his long lead was u/s so we used hand signals.

As he climbed into the jump seat and plugged into the intercom he declared "Some c*unt down the back has farted!"

As I dug him hard in the ribs I pointed out the following message already written on my kneepad "AOC on intercom!!"

A loud voice down the back boomed "Well it wasn't me!!"

Crewman unable to speak for rest of flight...

------------------
Fly Safely - or it might be me you hit.

[QUIFFI]

Beagle - I give you auth to tell the one about Thrombo and his 'office' !

[BEagle]

Ah - but nothing like as funny as his 'practice scramble' at Wattisham!!

[Buttie Box]

Back in the days where the "All Stations" ATC call used to be "Combine", I was taxying out at Swinderby in my Chipmunk, trip 3 I think it was. Beautiful summer's day and there we were trundling over freshly mown grass.

"Swinderby combine, Swinderby combine. New QFE...(blah, blah)."

Smack on back of scooter helmet by understanding ex WW2 instructor. "Why didn't acknowledge the new QFE?"

"Sorry Sir. I thought they were talking to the grass cutter."

[kbf1]

Pilot P..said blonde wasn't Jenny Firth was it? :)

------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

[MightyGem]

She's the only one I can think of. Nice one Jenny http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/cool.gif

[ScopeDope]

Culled from a web page :-

Unexpected Reply

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."


------------------
Remember - You are always in the sh1t, it's just the depth that varies

[BACK 5]

Alleged true story of 2 sen offs on the way to work at Main Building bemoaning the fact that the services were not what they used to be. In particular the fact that they don't look after our ex servicemen as well they might. As they came out of the underground they saw a young man sitting on the pavement in a dirty old coat with a box in front of him and a message on an old piece of cardboard which said "Falklands veteran" One turned to the other and said "See What I mean?" and pressed a £20 note in the young mans hand. The grateful recipient looked up at his benefactor and said " Grazias Senor"

[BEagle]

Back in the days when there were real aeroplanes at Wattisham - before we gave the place to the grunts and their infernal clattering things - there used to be the annual nause of the Charity Cocktail Party, which included a prize draw. Various folk were 'volunteered' to seek out prizes, including, one year, a certain Sqn Ldr. He was a rather serious chap and didn't always appreciate the boys' banter - so they decided to have a little prank. One particularly alcoholic lunchtime they did a bit of phoning around and left a note for him: "Please ring..........as soon as possible regarding the Charity Draw". Jumping at the chance of another donation, he phoned the number in earshot of the wind-up team:" Hello, this is Sqn Ldr ***** **** of RAF Wattisham - I understand that you would like to make a donation to our Charity Draw?". There was an icy silence at the other end, followed by "This is the Argentine embassy. We don't think we can help you!".
It was April 1982 and he hadn't heard the news that day!

[SATCOS WHIPPING BOY]

I heard a tale of a chap working at an airfield in Oxfordshire, the one with the worlds largest radar o/h, feeding a shed load of F111s into Heyford. Plan was to peel them off the stack, point them at Heyford and get-rid-quick to the UH Director so as he could do his bit. Anyway, tale goes that after 3 or 4 ac had been free-called across the No 2 came back out, shortly followed by 3 and 4 (Not what was expected). The controller asked No.2 what was occurring only to be told that the runway at UH was blocked (I think the No1 had had a Cessna strike or something). 'Oh £u(k' thinks the controller, who now has little chance of getting a ciggie break, so decides to ring UH Director to find out how long he'll have to wait.
Controller:
"How long do you expect to be black"
UH Director:
"Res Ma Life Man" brrrrrrrrrrrr :)

[This message has been edited by SATCOS WHIPPING BOY (edited 31 August 2000).]

[This message has been edited by SATCOS WHIPPING BOY (edited 31 August 2000).]

[HugMonster]

After WW2, my father was secretary to Admiral(FAA), and accompanied him to an RAF base for a goodwill (HA!) visit.

Prior to dindins in the Officer's Mess, a Wingco asked the old man's boss if he'd like a drink before dinner.

Admiral asks for a pink gin. Wingco clears his throat apologetically and explains that in this mess, it's tradition that they only drink beer before dinner. Admiral draws himself up to his full height, fixes Wingo with stare liable to curdle milk at 400 paces, and says:-

"The RAF is not old enough to have traditions - merely habits"

[Flintstone]

I have absolutely nothing to do with the RAF (should have worked harder and got more 'O'levels sah!) but this is the funniest thread I've seen for ages.

Don't worry, I can keep a secret.

[BEagle]

One of HM's mighty Phantoms is scrambled off to CAP on an ADEX. Usual guff - Wattisham approach for 5 minutes, change to Eastern Radar for 2 minutes, then check in with Neatishead. Our heroes are Thrombo at the helm and R2 in the back.

R2 checks in: "Neat this is blah - Charlie 440,Tigerfast plus 10. Vectors to CAP?"

Back come the words from the fighter controller babe "Roger - make angels blah and vector blah blah blah"

At this Thrombo interjects "Now look R2, shouldn't you really have authenticated her before you accepted her directions?"

Quick as a flash R2 replies "Authenticate her? No need for that, mate - I've $hagged her!!"

[mik]

My wife tells this better than I do - she can impersonate HRH Chas & HRH Liz...

HRH Chaz goes to the passing out parade at the Durham Light Infantry. He's dressed in the usual military outfit, but he's wearing a hat that looks like the last person to wear it was Davy Crocket.

The parade goes off well. No one dares mentions the smelly old hat with the long fluffy tail that HRH is wearing.

At the Mess that night, a 2Lt finally drinks enough to ask HRH the question everyone has been dying to ask him all day :

2LT : "I think it went splendid, splendid, your royal highness" (grovel, grovel) "But I have been wondering, your highness, why, the most unorthodox, but rather wonderful" (toad toad) "unusual fur hat"

HRH Chas : "It was all Mummy's Idea. This morning at Breakfast, I said 'Mummy, today I'm off to Middlesborough, to see the passing out parade of the Durham Light Infantry'. Mummy said 'Middlesborough? Where the fox hat!' So I did!"

[kbf1]

Anecdote (hmmmmm) told by a Col from AGC (LSB)at a dinner a few years ago of a Court Martial in which he defended a young soldier accused of assault. Having left a crucial witness statement with the Chief Clerk, he explained to the court that he would need a short recess to retrieve it. The Prez says to the Col "fax it up" to which he replied "'Does rather, doesn't it sir!"

------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

[Wholigan]

Lossiemouth, some few moons ago.

Two ATC controller type ladies at Lossie, one of whom was always being told (in banter mode) by Jag mate "you've got a lovely bum".

Jag mate airborne one day hears ATC type lady's instructions and says "Roger - and you've still got a lovely bum".

In radar room, lady ATC controller type hands headset over to other lady ATC controller type and says "I think this is for you" ....... voice misident by Jag mate.

(Oh all right then --- the Jag mate WAS me.)

[S Potter Esq]

This bloke in the pub told me this, so it must be true:

USS Enterprise: 'Canadian vessel bearing abc, this is US Navy, suggest you alter course to xyz'

Canadians: 'US Navy,suggest YOU alter YOUR course to yza'

Big E: "Canadian vessel, this is USS Enterprise - alter your course to xyz'

Canadians: 'USS Enterprise, alter YOUR course to yza'

Big E: 'CANADIAN VESSEL! THIS IS THE USS ENTERPRISE! THE BIGGEST, FASTEST AND MOST POWERFUL WARSHIP THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! ALTER YOUR COURSE TO XYZ IMMEDIATELY!'

Canadians: 'USS Enterprise. We're a lighthouse. Your call."




------------------
S. Potter, Esq
"Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the WAR ROOM!"

[YakYak]

A good friend told me the following:

Male Air Trafficker notices one morning that a new, very sexy female voice is has started chatting to him over the radio.

Male Air Trafficker turns on the charm, which seems to wind the lassie in the cockpit up a little bit.

Lady Pilot: "Excuse me tower, but where exactly does FLIRTING come in the pre-takeoff checks?"

Chappie in the tower replies fast as lightning: "After flaps!".

Oh dear, if only she knew what she'd missed.......

[scroggs]

Brilliant, just bloody brilliant. Came in from BOS this pm, should have gorn to bed hours ago, but had to read every bit of this thread. It's a classic, the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Keep it up, people - and someone get it published!

[GreyWalker]

SATCO's Whipping Boy must be a youngster, the biggest Radar O/H in the world was based at Luffenham and included the Oxford one (and our one in Norfolk) and more. But I'm showing my age and my allegiances!

Wee Jock, I was the mission controller who gave re-entry clearance to the nervous night flying JP stude - you may recall he got a "Clear splashdown" for landing too.

Now really old jokes...

There was a Geordie Flt Sgt bored to tears in the top tower who gave a joining clearance to some returning steely-eyed QFI then, quietly removing his foot from the transmit, continued unbroken "No on second thoughts f&&k off, I don't want any more f$%^£&g JPs in my circuit". Apply restraints to the DI please!

[Talking Radalt]

A while ago a student from the Emerald Isle was going through HM's finest chopper school with, what has to be said, a fairly clumsy set of hands.
During one particularly shambolic sortie, after much hint-dropping and "why don't you?"s, the wizzened old Yoda of an instructor turns to Bloggs and asks:

"Why, when I'm doing my best to help you, do you still insist on ignoring every word I say?"

"Well, sir,.....(blah blah blah etc, long winded excuse blah blah!)"

"Wrong, I'll tell you why. I'm speaking to you in English but you're listening to me in f***ing Irish."

[attackattackattack]

The scene: An Infantry Officer's Mess in Scotland
The Occassion: The visit of Comd Inf (A very snotty English General)

CO Inf Bn: (reminiscing about characters at his former staff posting) "Oh I remember Brigadier X, He was an illiterate idiot."

Comd Inf: "Brigadier X is my brother-in-law and he's got a first from Oxford in English."


Seperate time:

AAC Sqn OC (of a sqn somewhere between 662 664) being very clever, whilst leading a flight of Lynx, made his contact call to Hannover Zone in German.

Afetr a short pause the slightly puzzled German voice replied in English: "AA 6xx, understand you're a Hoover at 2000', OK clear to route as requested."

This was followed several minutes later by the call:"AA 6xx, this is Hannover Zone, be careful there's a refrigerator same height reciprocal heading..."

[Red Snow]

Another old chestnut...

Wheelus Field, Libya. USAFE weapons meet. 48th TFW on det with single-seat Voodoos around the early 60s (?)

Boss RTBing with very poorly jet, being closely watched by attentive wingman who was squadron new-boy.

As they enter a VERY busy pattern, wingman suddenly calls "Colonel, you're on fire, eject immediately!"

Result? Four chutes and four smoking holes in the desert (and one career going no further)

[SATCOS WHIPPING BOY]

GreyWalker

Thank You. I'll take your reply as a compliment. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/cool.gif

Picture a busy director pattern, six in and a couple more pre-noted from LMIL (probably at 12 miles finals and still at 18 000 feet no doubt!) oh, and grobbly wx. Zone has a MATZ X-er just getting in the way of everthing and oblivious to the stress being caused not more than 2 yds away.
Director rings zone and says "Coordination, get the £U(k outta my face" - I suppose it was legal :)

[gatego]

GR1 at FL nose bleed (for it anyway).
"London RR*** is good vmc, request descent to low level."
"Negative RR*** request you remain FL200 for traffic 12 o'clock 10 miles."
"Roger.......F£<ing chimps"
Cue silence on freq then,
"Lead from 2, you might want to snag that PTT"
:-):-):-)

[smooth approach]

Hairy old 60 Sqn Andover pilot descending into Gutersloh. In an attempt to avoid all the usual ATC patter about Papi's, Cables, High Ground, No Deadside etc he pops up on freq with:

"Aaaaah Gutersloh this is AaaaaSCOT 1234 descending FL70 heading 110 and before you start I am aware of .... and I am aware of.. and I am also aware of....."

2 minutes later the air traffiker gets his first opportunity to speak (PS by now I'm 20 miles downwind in the radar pattern in a helicopter!!)

"Ascot 1234 roger, are you also aware of the traffic in your 12 o'clock range 2 miles? If not, avoiding action ......"



[This message has been edited by smooth approach (edited 05 September 2000).]

[gimpy]

When I was in the RAF, I held at RNAS Culdrose for a couple of months. At a Friday’s Happy Hour, I was approached by the Station Commander who said :

“So tell me …(looks at name badge) Chris- what’s the most important thing you’ve learnt about the Navy?”

“Backs against the wall, Sir!”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

[Talking Radalt]

.......during suitably cold and damp cross- country run at well known military college in Lincolnshire, a PTI was impressing the too-clever-for-their-own-good studes with his knowledge of anatomy and physiology...

"And what's this muscle called?"
<points to rear of lower leg>

"The calf, staff"

"And what's the proper name for the calf?"

"A baby cow, staff"

[LunchMonitor]

Great Fun!!!
An old and infamous herc loadie once had the AOC on board and with the AOC on headset decides to wind his captain up.
Unplugging the AOCs Intercom he announces "The AOC's a C@nt!"
Shocked silence flashing of career in front of captains eyes.
again "The AOC's a C@nt!"
Voice of AOC on intercom "Loadies a C@nt he's just unplugged the nav"

[Talking Radalt]

Wokka crew are about to take an ever-so nice young lady Int Officer for a jolly. She gets on board and as the loadie puts a head set on her blonde bonce, comments "Wow, this ones an absolute babe" and then plugs her in.

Captain, unaware of this, replies,
"OK, break open the p-strops, and we'll take it in turns, me first"

Ever-so soft and feminine voice was heard on intercom.......
"It'll take more than a few p-strops pal"

[2 TWU]

Fighter Sqn arrives in Akrotiri for APC. 1st night in the bar, nurses all turn out to look over the new talent.

One young Lothario chats up nurse who is wearing totally spray on pants.

"My God" he asked, "how do you get into those?"

"Well" she replied, "you can try a double gin and tonic for a start"

[Dimmer Switch]

Lunch Monitor,

I'm at an age when incontinence is an ever present threat. Your little dit just pushed me over the edge ! Quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever heard. Thanks

[ShyTorque]

Some years ago the pilot of a medium sized green helicopter was waiting for the assembled pax to finish boarding, including a certain Mrs. Thatcher. All done, the crewman went outside on long lead i/com for the start.

The pilot suddenly announced in a Glasgow accent: "Is Mrs. T. on intercom"?

"No, she's not", came the reply.

"In that case it's alright if I talk about my effin' piles then!"

"******, You haven't started any engines yet, I heard that out here without the intercom!"

Cockpit heater not required on that trip!

[Watch Man]

I was in the Tower at Akrotiri when this happend.

The mighty F3 with the prima donna display crew landed at Akrotiri after a practice display. As part of the ego trip an extremely short landing run was practiced and the pilot wanted to vacate to the parallel taxi-way at the first exit. As the nose wheel kissed the tarmac the pilot pressed the button and said "Tower, Tornado 1, request next left."
The PTT stayed down and that ever pleasant sound of oxygen being sucked over a microphone filled the top tower.
After a short pause "Tower, Tornado 1 request next left?" By this stage he was just passing the first exit. A big sigh followed with the pilot saying "Oh £uck you then" at which point the PTT cleared and the tower could transmit.

The Tower controller leant forward, flicked his PTT switch - "£uck you too, cleared next left."


SWB- London Mil would never hand over at 12 miles and 18000 ft. You're living in a dream world boyo!


[This message has been edited by Watch Man (edited 07 September 2000).]

[Watch Man]

In another life I once worked with the Army at 9 Signals Regt in Cyprus and the then Colonel told me this story.
Background first - Manning the gate, but calling themselves Regimental Police, were the Royal Pioneer Corps. These peope were well meaning but mostly operating with a single figure IQ. In fact, before I arrived at the unit they had found two Pioneers who couldn't read or write. They'd blagged their way into the army because they could sign their name.
Obviously, the caring Army wanted to do the best for these boys so they charged them both for not reading orders!

Back to story: The leader of these happy band of imbeciles was one Cpl Clapton. Being simple folk they knew that there was a benevolent God and he took the form of the RSM.

Cpl Clapton called in one of his merry men and said "Go out on to the gate, and when the C.O. comes in, give him my compliments and tell him the RSM wants to see him."

"Right Cpl" Says our man who duly trots out to the gate and starts stopping every single car coming onto camp.

He politely asks each vehicle occupant "Are you the C.O?"
"No" Says the man in RAF uniform.
"Right, on you go then"
After around half an hour of this a Black Vauxhall Cavalier approaches the gate. Along it's side is a Royal Corps of Signals stripe. On the Bonnet sits a Colonels Pennant. Matey stops the car and taps on the window which lowers. "Are you the C.O?" he asks.
"No mate I'm the driver, the C.O.'s in the back".
sidestepping smartly he taps on the rear window which lowers.
"are you the C.O?" he asks.
"Yes, what's the matter" says the Colonel.
"I'd £uck off if I was you, the RSM's after ya"

[BACK 5]

did you hear about the 2 sen offs on their way to Main Buildng walking through underground station moaning about everything in general but particularly cash shortages and how even welfare for ex servicemen is being cut back.They then see a scruffy and hungry looking young man sitting on the ground with a cardboard sign in his lap which says "falklands veteran". Sen off says to his mate "see what i mean" and presses a tenner into young mans hand who looks up gratefully and says "Grazias senor"

[HugMonster]

Scene:- The Camp barber's shop.
Officer & senior NCO each having their hair cut.

Barber #1 says to the officer:-
"Would you like some gel on your hair to hold it in place?"
Officer:- "Let me smell it"
Barber obliges.
Officer:- "Good God, absolutely not - my wife would think I'd been in a Turkish Brothel"
Shortly thereafter, barber #2 makes the same offer of gel to the NCO.
NCO:- "Yeah, go on, it doesn't bother me - my wife doesn't know what a Turkish brothel smells like"

[misterploppy]

Brown job dit from the hard of hearing:

Mrs Thatcher on victory tour of the Falklands after the war. Someone thinks it would be a good career move to let her fire an artillery piece.

This particular gun has a small metal seat for the firer. Thatch balances her generously proportioned iron posterior on the tiny seat and reaching for the firing cord asks:

"Will this thing jerk me off?"

Collapse of stout party! Apparently she was quite prone to unintended double entendres.

[SATCOS WHIPPING BOY]

:)BACK 5 :)

In answer to your post 'did you hear etc etc'The answer is a resounding
YES......you posted the same joke in this thread on the 27th Aug http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif

[This message has been edited by SATCOS WHIPPING BOY (edited 07 September 2000).]

[Pilot Pacifier]

kbf1, sorry, been out the country again hence long time in replying. No it wasn't!

[SATCOS WHIPPING BOY]

Telling the chaps at work today of this site I heard one about a Lt Col travelling baggage class in a Herc. As the loadie was walking aft,the Lt Col called out 'Staff....Staff'
The loadie chose to ignore him and carried on his way.
Job done, the loadie makes his way up front again and once more the agitated Lt Col calls out 'STAFF....STAFF'
The loadie has had enough by now and says 'Look, I am Flight Sergeant, not a bloody wooden stick'
To which the Lt Col says 'If you were in the Army, you would be a staff sergeant, hence STAFF'
The loadie smugly replies..'If I were in the army I would be a Lt Col!'

[HugMonster]

(Probably apocryphal) tale of a pair of Blue Suits and a pair of Green Suits in the gents...

Blue Suits zip up and head out of the door, chatting to each other.
One of the Green Suits says pointedly:-
"In Sandhurst they teach you to wash your hands afterwards."
Blue Suit replies:-
"At Cranwell they teach you not to p1$$ on your hand."

[kbf1]

P Pac, no dramas m8, hope they are both intact :)

The description sounded a bit like the Jen girl. A good egg, and a fine pilot with it :)

------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

[LunchMonitor]

Turbulence detection!

Speedbird... "Marseille this is Speedbird xyz Flight level 350 we're experiencing a bit of turbulence up here. My captain just poked himself in the nose with his fork, do you have any information on the ride at any other levels?"

Marseille... "Standby.....Ascot 5040 do ypu have any turbulence at your level?"

Hercules co... "Sorry I dont know,my captain hasnt eaten yet!"

[attackattackattack]

kbf1

Were you in 3 Reg? In which case you probably recognised one of the stories above!

No body, of course, will mention the Staff College Demo in 1992.

"F*ck, that's Detmold"

[This message has been edited by attackattackattack (edited 08 September 2000).]

[Jackonicko]

Hug!

The story actually runs:

(Probably apocryphal) tale of a RN Lt, an RAF Flt Lt and an Army Captain in the gents...

The light and dark Blue Suits zip up and head out of the door, chatting to each other.
The Army officer says pointedly:-
"At Sandhurst they teach you to wash your hands afterwards."
Dark Blue Suit replies:-
"At Dartmouth they teach you not to p1$$ on your hand."
Light Blue suit says, in amazement:
"You need to be taught not to do that? At Cranwell they select people with sufficient co-ordination not to pi$$ where they're not aiming!"

As we near the anniversary of the (glorious Poles) entering the Battle of Britain, I'm reminded of the story of how they were converted onto RAF aircraft.

As the squadron took off, watching CFS wallah turns to Polish adjutant and says:

"Fine bunch of chaps. Did frightfully well, even those who couldn't speak English. Except one - Major Xyzrytry (or whatever). Didn't seem to get the hang of a Hurricane at all at first. You'd have thought he was a bomber pilot before!"

Polish Adj: "No. A navigator!"

And that, apparently, is true! Said Pole went on to score several kills and reached 1945 as a Wing Commander!

[This message has been edited by Jackonicko (edited 08 September 2000).]

[samsonyte]

Old story from WW2 -

Army Officers were getting pi55ed off with being called 'Brown Jobs', so they sent a signal to the RAF and Navy asking them to stop.

RAF Signal to all ranks - 'In future, Army Officers are not to be called 'Brown Jobs'.

RN signal to all rates - 'In future, Brown Jobs are to be called 'Army Officers'

[WebPilot]

Story from Falklands (read in excellent book 'Don't Cry for me Sargeant Major')

The local islanders were quickly nicknamed 'Bennys' by the troops, after the Benny character on Crossroads. The locals thought this quite touching, until one of them got a video sent to him from the UK and they all got to see what Benny was really like. Massive fuss ensues and the word comes down from the Shed not to call the locals Bennys any more. All goes well for a few days until two troopers were overheard talking about Stills. Explanation from the troops was 'Well, they're still Bennys'...

[ORAC]

Went on longer than that.

Everyone told not to call them stills, new name Yetis (Yet he is still a Benny).

Everyone told....., new name Andy's. (And yet he is still Benny).

Can't remember how long the list got.

A, perhaps, apochryphal story.

C130 carrying Paras on exercise and dishing out white boxes. Everyone briefed to put the rubbish in plastic sacks to keep ac tidy for next leg. When they land the back is full of s**t. A, very irate, Loadie blows his top and orders two to clean it up and the rest to double around the ac till the job is done.

As they are all doubling round a landrover driven by a major pulls up and, after a few seconds, asks the Loadie what is happening.

After being told, he nods agreeably, coughs, and asks politely "If he would'nt mind awfully, if he fell out the Colonel".

[ORAC]

From a very old list:
THE CONCISE BENNY DICTIONARY:

BENIDORM...........FALKLANDS TOURIST ZONE
BENELUX............FALKLANDS SOAP
BENEDICTINE........LOCAL ACCENT
BENNY HILL.........MOUNTAIN NEAR STANLEY
BENEFICIARY........FALKLANDS SEAFOOD PROCESSING PLANT
BENNY ARCADE.......STANLEY FAIRGROUND
BENNIES FROM HEAVEN..LOCAL No1 RECORD
BENEFIT............LOCAL DOLE
BEN & BEN..........FALKLANDS CHILDRENS TV PROGRAMME
WEDGEWOOD BEN......MP STANLEY EAST
BEN HUR............LOCAL No1 VIDEO
BENDETTA...........LOCAL QUARREL
BENNYZENE..........LOCALLY PRODUCED FUEL
BEN DOON...........HOUSE IN DAVIS STREET
BEN FIDDICK........LOCAL WHISKEY
BENNYLINE..........LOCAL COUGH MIXTURE
BEN CAN WRITE......LOCAL SCHOOLMASTER
BENNY LESS.........BROKE
BENNYDETTE.........FAVOURITE GIRL'S NAME
BENNYZEDRINE.......LOCAL STIMULANT
BEN NEVIS..........LOCAL COMEDIAN
BENNYMUSED.........BEWILDERED LOCAL (NORMAL STATE)
BENNYFACTOR........CIVIL EQUIVALENT OF FALKLANDS FACTOR
BENNYFICIAL........REX HUNT (GOVERNOR)
BEN DER............LOCAL GAY
BENIGN.............TEN
BENNY BAG..........LOCAL PROSTITUTE
BENCOURAGE.........LOCAL BREWERY
BENDLESS...........6 MONTH TOUR IN FALKLANDS
EMBENRYO...........EXPECTANT MOTHER
DAVID BENEMY.......HOSTILE FALKLANDS ZOOLOGIST
BENTAGON...........GOVERNMENT HOUSE
ABENCRINGINE.......LOCAL FROM SAN CARLOS OR GOOSE GREEN
BENIMS.............LOCAL JEANS
BENNYTENTIARY......STANLEY GAOL
BENNERY............HOUSE FULL OF LOCALS
BENTIST............LOCAL TOOTH PULLER
BENTATHLON.........4 MONTH TOUR IN FALKLANDS
BEN PAL............LOCAL WHO WRITES TO HIMSELF
BENCIL.............CHALK
BEN & BREAKFAST....£3 A NIGHT
BENGRANO...........FLAGSHIP OF FI DEFENCE FORCE
BENETICS..........LOCAL INBREEDING
BENGUIN...........ATTRACTIVE LOCAL BIRD (RARELY SEEN)
BIG BEN...........A LOCAL WITH A WATCH
BENINSULA........A LONELY BENNY.

[kbf1]

Atack..no m8, I was 1 Reg. Please tell all, dying to hear! :)

------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

[SET 18]

Top thread...my story goes like this:

Herc crew trundling across the States and speaking happily amongst themselves when air traffic said:

"Ascot 1234 turn left head 320 and climb to level 240"

Crew: "oh sh*t, was that for us?"

Crew "apologies, Washington, was that for Ascot1234?"

Irate atc: "YES... I SAID TURN LEFT HEAD 320 AND CLIMB TO LEVEL 240!"

Crew:"roger, left 320, climb level 240"

Short pause then American accent heard to say:

"wasn't I married to you once??"

[2 TWU]

Overheard on the R/T somewhere in Norfolk

"Red Section, reheat, reheat GO!"

"Coltishall, Red Section Taxy"

[gravity victim]

Overheard somewhere near Elstree in the 70's:

London Radar, to inbound French light single:
"Foxtrot-YZ, your altitude and flight conditions?"

Frenchman (wishing to convey that is scud-running) "Ahh,Leurndern, ah am in and out of ze bottoms at 2000'"

Unknown third voice: "Vive le sport!"

[gatego]

Along the lines of the thread but needs to be told.

An Officers Mess Suggestions Book.

Sir, while in the bar I have often noticed that some of the male officers on their return from the toilets will then proceed to remove ice from the ice bucket with their fingers. This is extremely unhygenic and I request that tongs be provided.

PMC's Reply.

Thankyou for your comments, tongs have now been placed in the gents toilets.

[Antsinmypants]

"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight

Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.


(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something lose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Happiness is a Virgin A340 - come in lads, the water's lovely!!

[combategg]

Another urban mith; apologies for incorrect details.

R/T conversation overheard somewhere state-side:

<ATC> Speedbird1234 say height passing.

<Speedbird1234> Height passing! (titter!)

<ATC> Speedbird1234 say height passing.

<Speedbird1234> Height passing! (titter!)

<ATC> Speedbird1234 say "air traffic violation"

<Speedbird1234> Eh... passing FL55.

[jollygreenfunmachine]

Big night training exercise in Scotland involving almost all RAF/AAC types. The first day consists of 200+ aircrew listening to other aircrew describe their particular aircrafts role, limitations, serviceability, DCM suites etc etc. After the FJ boys had impressed us all the "slowmovers" in the form of a Puma nav and a wokka pilot took the stage to give their presentation.At the end of the brief a voice from the back shouts "offensive capabilities?" Puma nav "Banter!"

[mrfish]

again...poetic licence:

An antipodean P3, out off Townsville, after a damn good 'run ashore'.....cruising at FL230 and nursing solid hangovers and a few good dits from the night before.
ATC pipes up with "xxxx 845, message from one of our airtrafficers...she wants to say goodbye to your co-pilot"....after the obligatory "Rodger thanks" from the P3, ATC comes on-line again with "xxxx 845, another message from another controller, to your Nav
'Farewell, thanks for a great time'"......after 4 such messages from the girls in Townsville ATC to various crewmembers, the Orion crew request a climb to FL270........the reply from ATC: "If you boys have got the energy to get up there, you can have it"

[Wee Jock]

At a long-forgotten RAF station which is probably shut anyway, Mrs Stn Cdr had, for reasons best known to herself, decided that she should be afforded the same privileges as the old man, including being saluted. So she's being driven in the main gate, in the CO's car, complete with flag. The guard clocks the flag and her staish-ship in the back, and swings the barrier up. The car pulls forward, then stops suddenly and the irate lady shrieks at the guard, 'Compliment!'. He ponders this for a moment then replies brightly, 'I like your hair!.

[fifthcolumns]

Some hilarious stories here. The one about
the SWO and the one striper with the office
chair reduced me to tears. I can barely type
from laughing.
Here's a couple I've heard.

F4 escorting a B52, Said F4 is annoying
the B52 by manoeuvering around it, showing
off. Eventually the B52 pilot says 'Bet I can do
something you can't'. 'Show me' says the F4
pilot incredulously. 'There you are' says the
B52 pilot. The F4 crew sees nothing. 'What
did you do?'
'I shutdown two engines'.

This next one happened to a crew from
a little country west of Wales.
It's a nice day and they take off for
a navex ending with a low level transit
along the coast.
Skimming along 100' above the waves
following the coastline they spy a solitary
couple strolling on the beach.
After hard turn and a screaming dive
they buzz the hapless pair and fly back
to base laughing at their little joke.
On arrival they found there had been
a phone call.
The CO had been on a day off.
Apparently he had been walking on
the beach with his lady wife, when........

[AfricanSkies]

Here's something I would love to say to an ATC...this really happened, late 70's, from the leader of a Rhodesian Hawker Hunter flight, and it went something like this :

6 Hunters perform 200ft, 400kt flyby of the tower without so much as a bye-your-leave, and then:
"Lusaka Tower this is Green Leader. I am taking command of your airport. Any aircraft attempting to take off or land will be destroyed. Do you understand this?"

Lusaka Tower : 'Erm, yes, understood.'

[Batwing]

Several years ago at the premier All-electric swing-wing wonder bomber base located near Roermond, it was a squadron's dubious pleasure to host a visit from the Royal College of Defence Studies. Laid out on the ground in front of a jet was a reasonably wide selection of kit designed to kill people or break their stuff. The visting entourage consisted of about 20 senior officers of Wg Cdr and above, and included one particularly large breasted WRAF officer. She looked carefully around the jet before leaning on the 2250ltr fuel tank and asked the fresh faced convexee Fg Off who was hosting 'what are these then young man?'
Quick as a flash he replied 'Big Jugs Ma'am err i mean big tanks'

[FJJP]

Preparing for an RCDS visit to BZN a few years ago, the organising Wg Cdr got his knickers in a right twist and did much flapping around. An Eng mate form an East Anglian base called the said flapping Wg Cdr to confirm the display standard required of their bona wing back/forward FJ.

Irate Wg cdr yells down the telling bone that the said bona wing back/forward FJ must be clean.

Said bona jet lands at BZN without a single pylon or store strapped thereon!

Pissed off ground party drive overnight to BZN in a van, painting tanks, missiles, etc as they go!

[FJJP]

Big delta bomber transitting from Offutt to Goose in summer approached the standing CuNim line which stretched from the Great Lakes to the Gulf of Mexico. Captain decides to try to climb above rather than divert the several hundred miles to the north to avoid. (Go with the accents)

<Capt> (posh voice and hated using RAFAIR) 'Minneapolis Centre, Royal Air Force 220 request climb to avoid weather'

<Minneapolis> 'Cleared as requested, traffic not a factor, advise level'

Some mins later.........

<Capt> 'Minneapolis, Royal Air Force 220 level and clear of the weather'.

<Another Jet> 'Minneapolis Centre this is Greenback 500. I'm a KC135 out of KI Sawyer - here you got a Royal Air Force jet above the weather. D'you mind if I talk to him?'

<Minneapolis> 'You go right ahead, sir'

<Greenback> 'Royal Air Force 220, this is Greenback 500. Hear you're above the weather - what height you at?'

<Capt> 'Greenback 500 this is Royal Air Force 220 is level at Flt Level 560'

<Greenback 500> 'You say Flt Level 560 - 56,000 feet?'

<Capt> 'Affirmative'.

<Greenback 500> 'Roger. OK fellas, heads down, we're goin' through!'

:)

[PlasticCabDriver]

Told to me by a door-slider and a bit similar to FifthColumn but here goes;

Fat Albert tanker refuelling some fast pointy thing, refuel is over so fast-pointy-thing starts showing off:

fpt "watch this..."
fpt "now watch this..." etc etc

After several minutes of "watch this etc" Albert's getting a bit pissed off:

Fat Albert "Now watch this!". Continues happily S+L.

2 mins later, fpt is unable contain his curiosity;

fpt "well? what did you do?"
Fat Albert "We just had a curry!"

Apologies to those who know the real story!

[Mister B]

FJJP

Hope you don't mind an old has-been joining in. (Only 4 years since I took the barrow load of dosh and I don't envy the conditions that you guys are in now)

That must have been a 27 Sqn V-Bomber - well recce in its last incarnation - as the the rest had so many coats of matt paint they couldn't possibly have achieved those dizzy heights. Besides, the 27 MRR version was the only one to be fitted in recent memory with the tubes and other dangly bits for the pressure jerkins needed for sub-stratospheric flight. Made for interesting decomp trg at N Luff, even more explosive than the usual; and the pleasures pressure breathing...aah what a joy.

What I really wanted to add though is a tale from just before the Gulf thing.

RAFG Tonka based sqn invited to UK for weekend flying to work up F3 boys imminently bound for E coast of Saudi. We were to fly a 4-ship up and and down the eastern side of UK between Leeming and the Borders acting as cannon fodder for a bunch of pink fighters. Luckilly we had some real men in F4s as fighter escort to spoil everybody's fun (after they had emptied their CL tanks that is).

When the F3s eventually pounced, after they had been told our position hdg, etc, they were soundly seen off by our escort with much radio blah that was quite incomprehensible to normal people - "pump" "eff-pole" - and wacky manoeuvres such as Polish Heart Attack (or something like that).

Anyway the outcome of one of these melees was the magnificent sight of an F3 being closely pursued by an F4, both in combat, just off the coast of Northumberland. Then the memorable, if imprudent call - "Fox 3 on the F3 over the big church...oops".

This weekend provided more "wish I hadn't...", but not all in one go, eh.

Trust this hasn't been too provcative for a first attempt.

HTB


[This message has been edited by Mister B (edited 17 September 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Mister B (edited 17 September 2000).]

[FJJP]

Mister B

Who said anything about pressure jerkins? V-mate tells me that the Force did lots of things that weren't allowed, such as smoking, etc (and there is another story there!). Roly Falk wasn't the only one to roll the flat-iron, merely the first! Also in the days before F450 became the limit without a PJ.

:)

[BEagle]

Yes - you could actually go higher in the Vulcan without the regulators for the PJ as although you might get hypoxic if you had a RD, you wouldn't get 50mm without counterpressure. I've also astonished Spams by advising that we were cruising at FL510 and M0.88.....but the best was doing a full power climb at light weight out of McConnell with just enough fuel for Barksdale and a div. - starting at 350KIAS as we beat up McConnell:

Self: Kansas City Center, Rafair****, passing 15000 ft, request unrestricted climb
ATC: Clear unrestricted climb, call passing FL 250.
Self: We already have
ATC: Roger, advise approaching FL 350
Self: Done that as well!
ATC: DO NOT CLIMB ABOVE FL 370 UNTIL ADVISED
Self: Sorry, Ma'am we just did as you cleared us for unrestricted climb
ATC: But aren't you a bomber? What level do you want?
Self: We're happy here at FL470
ATC: Rafair ****, clear maintain FL470!!

[Mister B]

BEagle

I accede to your sensitivuty on the subject, although the activities were well publicised at the time. It was still a good story nonetheless, and I am told that the AOC's desk at Bawtry was rather large and imposing, and the view out of the sw window (over his shoulder) was spectacular.

[This message has been edited by Mister B (edited 17 September 2000).]

[Marine]

Location conference room on large USMC air station in CONUS. Hastily assembled squadron commanders and principle staff officers awaited the arrival of the Group Commanding Officer bearing information of extreme urgency and import. The following was passed out to the present officers.


To their surprise, UN soldiers found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying bastard!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying bastard!"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
The subject of the meeting were the new definition of disrespect towards our civilian leadership (both presidential and congressional) and proliferation of said disrespectful jokes, cartoons, emails, etc. The MAG CO was not a happy camper which in turn lead to those assembled becoming unhappy.

[Nil nos tremefacit]

1. Gutersloh Mess, early 80s, upstairs Grill Room, well known dusky Harrier mate loading plate at servery - eggs, sausage, beans, black pudding..

Yank pilot in queue behind 'Excuse me, what's that black thing on your plate?'

'Dat's ma hand...'


2. Puma loading troops in field - crewman gets out to help with tricky load as Army major puts on spare head set.

Pilot 'Everybody strapped in down the back?'

Major (being helpful)'All strapped in'

Pilot transitions away without crewman onboard!

3. Puma troop brief completed - men told 16 troops in LFO is max load. Crewman counts 17. Goes to man at front and tells him that only 16 troops allowed.

'I'm not a troop. I'm an officer.'

[kbf1]

Gutersloh mess, mid 90's just before Anne comes to name it PRB. Huge party after re-fit; much damage done. PMC calls all livers-in to a meeting to piss on certain bonfires and voice dis-pleasure at general carnage.

PMDC "blah blah...damage blah...so if you break anything write it down on a chit and arrangements will be made to charge it to your account and nothing more will be said"

Sapper mate: "in that case sir put me down for a pint pot and a pane of glass" CRAASSH! :)

Nil nos...servery now called "Jumping Off Point" on mess nights. Kamakhazee Bungee!

------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

[WebPilot]

Allegedly...and I don't think this one is up here yet (and anyone who was there, feel free to confirm/deny whether this is just urban myth).

The GR3 element for Desert Shield arrived in theatre made up of the best aircraft/crews from the mud world. OC calls the crews together and tells them to come up with a unit name as there is no one squadron and its too big to be a flight. After a while, the crews expecting to be joined by Saudi and Italian GRs came up with "Combined United Nations Tornado Squadron".

The next day they were told to think again...

[Helmut Wisorcover]

Can remember a similar one to that. Days of UN in Bosnia. We were the second Lynx squadron in theatre, Croatian United Nations Taxi Service. Still got the t-shirt.

[reynoldsno1]

On patrol in a Nimrod somwheer South of Crete
when there was still something called NEAF...
US destroyer calls up
" Mission 11, we have a radio problem, sir, request a short count..."
Mission 11 - "Roger, one"
US destroyer - " Uh, Mission 11, could we have a slightly longer count sir?"
Mission 11 - "Roger, ooooonnnnneeeee"

[Prijon]

Not sure which station this originally came from but still amusing:

Bored student answering 'phone: "Station Commander"

Reply: "Me too. My office, your hat"

[Prijon]

Setting: Offrs' Mess Bar - Happy Hour, RAF Akrotiri, 1999.

One Sqn Ldr ("Mr Land Speed Record") - rather drunk. Having forced his way to the front of the queue for the bar with the words "Make way - I'm the fastest man on Land", a civilian guest took offence.

Her chance came later.

Guest: "Excuse me, don't I recognise you?"
Very smug look on S/L's face.
Guest: "You were on Countdown, weren't you?!"
His face was a picture, trust me.

[EESDL]

Sitting in Walter (1992), on the pan at Aldergrove, one crisp, dew-laden morning. Next to me very imposing presence of Harry Staish (Niven), reknowned for large bushy forest growing out from the top of his snout.
Whilst taxiing out, was heard to say,(couldn't resist it, indeed, as paid up member of FOLA it was my duty):

"Watch out for the hares on the nose"

I'll let myself out.......

[Brian Dixon]

Herc sat ready to taxi after filling the back with loads of squaddies. Engineer comes down the back and says to one of the squaddies, "Don't let them go anywhere. I'll be back in a minute." Eng then climbs the ladder and disappears through hatch in the roof. Unbeknown to the passengers, the eng re-enters the herc via the hatch in the cockpit. Seconds later the loadie appears and notices that the hatch is open. Cursing loudly he climbs the ladder and secures said hatch.

Squaddie is now rather concerned and tries to inform loadie that there is someone out the top. Loadie ignores all the protests and the aircraft taxis and completes a rolling takeoff.

After landing, the eng sticks his head out of the cockpit hatch to get the windswept effect. When the herc is finally on chocks, he runs back to the other hatch and bangs loudly. Loadie opens hatch only to have windswept and incredibly annoyed eng lay into the squaddies for making him hang onto the wing for the whole flight.

Many confused squaddies leave the herc.

[FJJP]

Anybody remember long time ago the Scampton 'Delta' magazine that was withdrawn because of an account of a cross-pond trip to Goose with the AOC on board? Crew (inc AOC) were smoking - when magazine hit the streets the s**t hit the fan and the mag hastily withdrawn.

Anybody still got a copy of it?

:)

[Dan Winterland]

Drunken banter in a mess bar some 4000 miles south of the equator as to which aircraft had the best rate of climb.

The toom boys said it was theirs. "Rubbish" said the wokkas. Honour was at stake, so a comparison was to be made of the best brakes off to ten thousand performance.

A wokka mate sat in the back of a Toom and timed the climb. "Very impressive" said he. A toom chap sat in the Chinook and watched the crew get airborne, climb to 9900', release the parking brake and climb a hundred feet in a matter of seconds!

[TimC]

I've got a couple for you. These are from when I was an army cadet. Didn't witness the first one myself tho.

We were at Beckenham shooting range during one of the inter service (cadet) comps. During a break, the cadets operating the targets (ie the ****wits that can't shoot, including me) were allowed to have a pop on the LMG. Having just been told to fire in short bursts, one female cadet fired off an entire mag in one go and the barrel went all droopy. :)

The other one is from when I was in "spoon platoon" as it was my first camp. We were sat in our billet busily bulling our boots, having just been shown how to do it properly. In walks the much feared colour sergeant and to his horror, one of the lads is using one of those bottle with a sponge on top polishes.

CSgt: (to the sponge polish lad) " WHAT THE £UCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

SPL: (not even bothering to look up and with a facial expression that suggests the CSgt is stupid) "Polishin' me boots"

CSgt: (now enraged by the lads lack of respect) "COLOUR!!!!!"

SPL: "Black!"

:)

[Ham Phisted]

Can't remember whether it was present incumbent or his predeccessor but the topic in the Houses of Parliament was the curtbacks in the Defence Medical Services. Anyway, poor bloke stands up in front of the assembled throng and announces that "those cu#ts in the Defence Medical Services..." Apparently, Hansard has been amended to read what he had intended to say.

[Pilot Pacifier]

Not to mention the;

Chinook United Nations Transport System!

This sign sat proudly above the aircrew TENT in Ploce!

[Wiley]

This has to be the best thread I’ve ever come across on Pprune. If you all can handle it, allow me to throw some Antipodean offerings your way.

******

Malaysia during Confrontation, mid 60’s of last century. Javelin pilot, callsign ‘Ramrod 123’, on ADX with female controller working the long range (monochrome) radar, (which went all cluttery and grey when targets got near to overhead). As the Javelin and its target approached overhead, she handed it over to the short range radar.
The RT went something like this.
Female controller: “Ramrod 123, you are now entering my grey area, call Changi Radar on stud 4.”
With no delay, the Jav driver replied “Negative, request deeper penetration of your grey area.”

******

F86 (ahhhh… ;) detachment enroute Williamtown to Darwin. (Rough equivalent in distance: London to Moscow - with zero enroute navaids and no UHF ground stations.) A Neptune leads the push to provide navigation assistance at ATC cklearances ‘coz it has VHF. A Herc is in close-ish company to the formation with the fighter squadron ground crew on board. Neppie pilot makes ‘inadvertent’ call on ‘long range intercom’ (UHF chatter freq). “Ah, Nav, I’d like my steak medium rare, please, with lots of mushroom sauce, two spuds. Brew a fresh pot of coffee and I’ll have it hot after the steak.”
The Herc pilot took the cue, and transmitted “Loadie, I’ll have my pie now - no, make it the chicken salad, not too much mayonnaise, black coffee, one sugar.”
The Knuck leader was equal to the occasion. Without a pause, he called to his formation in the clipped, no nonsense style of the fighter pilot. “Maple Hipshot, jelly beans, jelly beans, GO!”


*****

Back in the 60s and 70s, a couple of RAAF Neptunes or P3s went to Hawaii each year to take part in the annual major ASW exercises with the USN. In 1969, a Japanese Self Defence Forces SP-2 arrived at Barbers Point Naval Air Station near Honolulu when the exercise was in full swing. The Japanese aircraft was not expected, so the USN had not appointed a liaison officer. It was obvious from the start that the crew were on a junket. Most were very senior officers; the most junior was a full Commander, the rest being of Flag rank.
The Japanese visitors were offered perhaps a little less hospitality than usual, as everyone was very busy with the Exercise. The Admiral who appeared to be in charge was a very impressive looking man with a military bearing and straight silver hair. One night he was standing alone in the BOQ bar when the co-pilot on the Aussie P3 asked him if he could buy him a beer. The Japanese Admiral replied in beautiful English that he would be delighted to join the young Australian for a drink. The conversation went something like this:
“Are you enjoying your visit to Hawaii, sir?”
“Very much. It is a beautiful place.”
“Have you been here before?”
The Japanese Admiral paused before answering, but possibly noting the Australian uniform, felt he wouldn’t cause offence with his answer: “Well, yes, I have been here once before… But I didn’t land that time.”


*****

The P3 was flying at low level on fisheries surveillance when it happened upon a large yacht on which stood a bare chested man and a statuesque and similarly-attired young lady displaying an ample pair of unarrested but very arresting breasts. As the P3 swept overhead the crew triggered the belly camera which took a series of photographs of the yacht. The name of the yacht and the wildly waving pair were clearly to be seen in the photographs.
Thinking that a bit of PR would not go astray, the squadron thought they would send copies of the photographs to the owner, easily traced through the yacht’s name. The photographs were greatly appreciated - by the yachtie’s wife. Apparently the lovely boobs so clearly on display beside the waving husband in the glossy 8 x 6 photographs were not hers.
The thought was there, but 11 Squadron had almost certainly lost one more vote for greater defence spending, judging by the unhappy letter they received from the gentleman after his very costly divorce settlement.

[1.3VStall]

I remember an epic dining-in night where the Staish was the World's worst after-dinner speaker. The boys (and girls) were getting restless and clearly making too much noise.

Eventually the Staish cleared his throat in dramatic fashion and roared loudly, "Excuse me, can everybody hear me?" Quick as a flash the WRAF officer sitting next to me (well occasionally I used to get lucky!) retorted "Well I can sir, but I'll willingly swop places with someone who can't". Brought the house down.

[EmpireOne]

This one hot off the press:

An army Lt Col and naval CMDR had performed a name-out-of-hat-draw-thingy to allocate some sporting event tickets to the JNCO boys in the unit, a navy/army affair. The CMDR had somewhat fortuitously pulled the names of two sailors in the draw. As it turned out one these sailors could not go and the ticket was redrawn later in the day. During CO's orders at COP, naval CMDR questioned RSM as to why he was not asked to redraw. The blissfully unaware RSM replied, "Well after this morning sir, we thought you were a bit of a seamen magnet."
Even the CO was pi$$ing himself laughing.

[410]

Late 60's, Butterworth O's Mess bar, Friday, just affter 1800 hours. A bunch of Aussie fighter jocks in their drab shorts tropical uniforms have been in situ since 1500 and are getting very rowdy.
Long leeved shirts and long trousers are a requirement in the mess after 1800.
The PMC, a very stuffy Groupie, approaches the boyz and tells them "No shorts in the Mess after 1800, err... (choking over next word) gentlemen."
Whole group drop their shorts and continue drinking.

Tea and bikkies for all with the OC at 0900 Monday morning .

[Arkroyal]

Although it pains to recall a moment when the crabs got one over on the RN,

North Norway training base, wardroom bar, many pi$$ed up navy pilots waring olive drabs complete with punchy surname only name atbs.

Enter WAAF officer, charming light Scots accent.

Squadron (he thinks) trapper moves in, and for some inexplicable reason thinks that a (terrible) glaswegian accent will endear him to the babe.

She listens to some of this drivel and at a natural break as pilot stops talking to concentrate on standing up for a moment, she asks:

'Is that your name......or just a lable'

We fall about in danger of fouling our breeches.

Oh yes, nearly forgot it was Lt Dick. http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif:

[Nil nos tremefacit]

I think Rick Head (ex of SHFNI)should tell of the times that he has been challenged over his name badge. I gather he's even been ejected from the bar!

[Mobster]

Knew a 2LI Capt. by the name of Richard Head who rumour has it was given a posting above his rank and rejoiced in the title of Acting Major.....

Always guaranteed to find agreement when you mention in the bar that " I know a Dick Head in the Army"

[reynoldsno1]

There was also a Major in the NZ Army who rejoiced in the name of Wayne Anker - I kid you not....

[BEagle]

Not to mention 'Juan' Kerr!!

[ORAC]

RAF Flt Lt Maximillan Rupert Seaman (woman magnet) who announces himself as "Max Seaman"

[ORAC]

North Sea, 1970s. Middle of night. 4 pairs of F4s spinning in North Sea.

Voice: "F**k, I'm bored!"
AD: Ac calling, say callsign"
Voice: "I'm not THAT ****ing bored!!"

-------------------------------------

Same vintage:

US F4 flying into Uk does not file flight plan and is intercepted by Wattisham Lightning (silver) (IAF)

Phones up after to apologise, quote:

"Hell!! This silver bird! When he say's s**t ! You do it all over the cockpit!!"



[This message has been edited by ORAC (edited 29 September 2000).]

[ORAC]

USAF U2 acting, out of goodness of heart, as target, for RAF F4s in Cyprus after take off at about FL500+. After 30 minutes, while F4s are falling out of sky). he relays message he must leave.

Q: (from F4s): Why?
A: (From U2): Sorry, burning to much fuel at low level!!"

[This message has been edited by ORAC (edited 29 September 2000).]

[ORAC]

Apocryphal Beverly Stories (as what told to me by old Beverly pilot).

Beverley on first trip to the USA (Background, fixed UC)

ATC: "Check Gear!"
Bev: "Down and welded"


ATC: "What is that?"
Bev: "A Beverley"
ATC: " Did ya build it yourself?"

ATC: "Where ya come from?"
Bev: "The UK"
ATC: "Was it a bet?"
---------------------------------------

[MightyGem]

Back in the good old non PC days, at the usuall dinner at the end of QHI courses at Shawbury, it was the done thing to have the lovely Hazel come in and take of all her clothes. This generally led to adverse comments by the Staish the next day. For one course he decided to pre-empt this and declared that there would not be a stripper at the dinner.

Well, the food was ate, the port was drunk and the speeches spoke. People were wondering what was next when in walked Hazel.....totally naked. She then very slowly got dressed!!

[teeteringhead]

MightyGem:

Whereupon the Staish clarified the parameters for the next QHI thrash:

"Absolutely no naked or semi-dressed women!!".....

....the next was a male stripper!

Incidentally, the lovely Hazel is still alive and well and living in Shropshire. Gravity having taken its toll, she took up business studies and now runs the Strippagram company. Just before she retired from "active service" there was something truly surreal about standing in the bar talking to Hazel about her forthcoming accountancy exam - when she was only wearing a pair of high-heeld shoes and a smile!

------------------
tee-head

[Mister B]

Oh the names that inconsiderate and thoughtless parents label their offspring:

He was an F4 driver, although I met him at Chivenor when it used to belong to the RAF (the second time round as a TWU); you would have thought that any forename other than "Richard" would have been given to a chap with the surname "Fallis". And yes he did call himself "Dick" - shades of "A Boy Named Sue" (that's the title of an old Johnny Cash song for you youngsters out there).

[Col Lective]

Young officer on the same pilots cse as me, whilst being shown hovering at 2000ft:
QHI: Right sir, I want you to move the nose 30 degrees to the right
Student: Tail clear left Staff?
Talk about paying lip service to checks...

[skua]

Adjutant of my UAS was a certain FO Jim Kerr. He became a proud parent, and christened his son Wayne.

Showed his developed sense of humour by walking off with most of the Mess fund...

[Arkroyal]

A/c in circuit......'I'm £uckin' bored'

ATC......'Bored, give full callsign'

A/c.......'I'm not THAT £uckin bored!'

[Batwing]

Stood at a rather nice airshow in the US showing Mr Public and his little son Johnny around the electric swing wing wonder bomber. Little johnny is very excited about the jet. His father says 'what do you want to be when you grow up son?' Johnny replies 'when I grow up I want to be a fighter pilot!' Receives swift reply from crew 'you can do one but not both!'
Favourite question from same airshow:'oh, you guys are from England? how did you get the airplane here?'. 'Well madam we took the aircraft apart and put it on a very large lorry-in fact we only got it rebuilt just in time for the show'. 'Really?'she replies. 'No, not really madam -it came by train'.

[Calcutta]

In a gazelle, speechless procedure, also no compass/no gyro.

ATC - Speechless aircraft, adopt the callsign Speechless 1, is this a practice?

A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.

ATC - Speechless 1, do you require recovery to xxxx?

A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.

ATC - Speechless 1, were you formerly callsign Gazelle xxx?

A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.

ATC - Speechless 1, do you have any other form of practice emergency?

A/C - BEEEEEEEEP.

ATC - Speechless 1, do you have a single engine failure?

A/C - ...........(Completely ****ing speechless!!!)

[R O Tiree]

Heard in the stack at Biggin Hill one day...

Heathrow - Lufthansa xyz, cleared for the approach runway 27R blah, blah (lots of incomprehensible procedural IF-type ranting from ATCO Annie)

Lufthansa xyz - Er... Ve hef a small problem and vish to remain in the hold until we hef resolfed it.

Heathrow - Please say the nature of your problem.

Lufthansa xyz - Ve are checking der passentger manifest und ve cannot find vun off our passentgers. We seem to be missing a Herr Feinbaum.

Anon Comic - Have you tried looking in the ovens?

[This message has been edited by R O Tiree (edited 07 October 2000).]

[Nil nos tremefacit]

Heard this from a wartime and post-war RN officer..

Naval exercise somewhere, silent procedures, dark and murky, nil vis.

R/T 1.. '(crackle)day..Position blah..

R/T 2 'Maintain silent procedures'

R/T 1 'Position blah..'

R/T 2 'Maintain silent procedures'

R/T 1 'F@** you and f*** your silent procedures. I have been rammed and I am sinking'

R/T 2 then maintained silent procedures himself!

The vessel limped in to port leaning very much to one side and a lot lower in the water than when she set sail.

[STONKERS]

Red Flag 92, following the standard night recovery fiasco, a USAF Colonel suggests that those with bigger fuel loads could hold off while the FJ mates recover.

'What about you B1 guys do you have any spare gas to hold off'

'Yes sir we could loiter for 7 hours!'

'Does that include diversion fuel'

'Yes sir, we can loiter for 7 hours and divert to Washington!!'

[HugMonster]

Another Naval one, allegedly sent as a test RT transmission:-

"I wish I were a little grub,
With whiskers round my tummy.
I'd climb into a honey pot,
And make my tummy gummy."

[Jensen]

Remember the WW2 film, the one set in a German POW camp where the cunning British inmates made a dummy prisoner to stand in the 3-times-daily parades, fooling the Germans, thus allowing a POW to escape unnoticed. It was a true story, and the dummy was made by a RN officer who died last week. His obituary recalled what happened when the Germans eventually discovered the dummy 4 days after a POW escaped:

the commandant of the camp subsequently addressed the POWs in his fractured English. "You think we Germans know f*** nothing," he told them. "But in fact," he went on confidently, "we know f*** all." It took some time to restore the parade ground to order.

[misterploppy]

WINTEX (a paper third world war exercise), mid eighties, HQ RCZ Dusseldorf.

At the evening Commander's briefing the (very urbane) German Oberst LO is briefing us Brits on German preparations for the 'war':

"Today, ve haf released sirty sousand million litres of water from ze Mohne Dam"

He peered up over his half-moon glasses at the Wg Cdr RAF LO and continued sardonically:

"You may remember."

[ORAC]

West Drayton, mid 80's. Battle of Britain Cocktail Party. Mess Manager, old WO, is directing the JO's to their groups as they arrive.

New GAF exchange officer (known for his sense of humour) arrives.

"Good evening sir", beam's the WO , "losers on the right".

[1.3VStall]

Late 70s, Lightning mate having no coffee interview with Staish. (He had caused his GASO Exceed Warning Light to illuminate with yet another gung ho piece of flying).

The chat was pretty well one sided and concerned the threats of dire punishment, until the interjection "Excuse me sir, can you be court martialed for what you're thinking?" Of course not, don't be so bl**dy stupid" retorted the Staish.

"In that case sir I think you're a c**t!"

It happened!

[Self Loading Freight]

Not quite military, but...

Back in the last millennium, I worked for the UK bit of the European arm of a US publisher. Every so often, we'd all run an awards ceremony together with the French and the German bits, and we took it in turns to host the judging meetings at our respective offices. My favourite was Munich, with the nude sunbathing in the parks and the beer going particularly well together. Butanyway.

The London offices were in the Cottons Centre on the south bank of the Thames, giving us a wonderful view almost directly over HMS Belfast. It was our turn to host our Continental colleagues, and we chose the river meeting room. As the editor of the German magazine came in, he glanced out and said in the finest movie German accent I've heard "Ach. Zere iz vun ve missed."

R

(the politics of those meetings were... interesting. The French nearly always sided with us against the Germans unless there was an American present, in which case European common cause was made. Still think the best way to ensure European unity would be to attempt to liberate New Amsterdam)

[Ham Phisted]

Talking to GAF Exchange Officer at Colt in early 90s during Happy Hour. Suddnely he let's drop that: "My Father, he died in a POW Camp during ze vor." Bit of a reverential silence descends until he adds in a rather fine Prussian accent: "yes, he fell from a machine gun turret."

[gatego]

Bruggen, 17F Sqn (TBWA) Final dining out night. End of evening and young lady from Roermond duly arrives. Wearing a very natty flg suit she starts to say goodbye in style and displays a pair of unfeasably large breasts. Much mirth around the room. Staish not happy and looking for blood, leans down top table to consult with OCA on situation.

Staish "What do you think?"
OCA "I'm not sure; I think they're real"

Not quite the answer he was looking for methinks. Cue departure of top table and much letter writing for CC.

[bobdog]

One I remember from the 151 Sqn line book Chiv mid 80s.
ATC: Scimitar 2 can you carry out a PAR.
Scimitar2: Ugh standby I might have fuel.
ATC: (Girlie voice v sexy bird) Its for controler training.
Scimitar2: Ugh roger can you make it a Quicky.
ATC: (Husky femail voice) ugh roger I'll keep it as tight as I can.

Much mirth and phnaars all around

[SlimJim]

CIC of Dutch frigate during NATO ASW exercise, flight briefing going on, German commander of taskgroup walks in and says: "And, ah vee vinning ze voh?"

Flight commander replies: "Well that must be something of a change for you."

P.S. Heard the one about Dutch Lynxes going to Eritrea?

[Pontius the Non-Pilate]

<delurking for a first post> While working as a software engineer on the processor of several airborne radars, we had some GAF personnel attached to one of the development teams as engineers. (I should add that the factory site had several long, narrow buildings with thick concrete roofs and blast walls, beside the front gate. This was due to it being set up in 1943 to build Spitfire gunsights)

Our intrepid lad asked one of the Germans why he had "GAF" on his security pass, and not "Luftwaffe". Said GAF punter replied "I did not think you would understand Luftwaffe"....his GAF mate was seen creasing up into a corner......

[This message has been edited by Pontius the Non-Pilate (edited 11 October 2000).]

[reynoldsno1]

Student with instructor in a pile of nimbostratus over Lincolnshire in Mk3 constant thrust variable noise machine returning to flat land. Student attempting 1st ever PAR with high degree of associated sweat, condensation dripping from instrument faces, laboured breathing, sky getting darker... finally get lights and fling jet on ground.

Instructor has retained taciturn composure as aircraft is turned off runway, then...
"That was just like a Shakespeare play..." Student ruminates for good 20 secs whilst taxying verrry slowly. "Ah, 'As You Like It', sir"..."No, I was thinking more of "The Comedy of Errors'".

We don't need no educashon....

[Wiley]

Pearce, Western Australia, early 70s… No 1 AFTS.
Ex Nav Flg Off stud doing solo circuits in a Macchi lands wheels up. At subsequent Court of Inquiry, he is asked why he didn’t heed ATC’s increasingly strident calls, first to “check wheels” and then to “GO AROUND!!!!”
Stud looks heavenward for inspiration and finds it in a truly memorable answer: “I couldn’t hear the ATC calls because the gear warning horn was so loud.”

[Paterbrat]

Before 1FTS Linton undergoing indoctrination at ITC Lympstone on how to wear green hat. Adjutant magnificent in riding britches and glossy black boots sometimes took parade on big black nag.Riding slowly down line of men in dress blues and shiny buttons. Stops leans down and in ferocious hiss " Trained soldier, your buttons, they're dreadfull!"
Nervous voice back "Sir,please sir it's yor orse. Ees breavin on em sir!"

[Marine]

Marine Capt. whose eyesight required glasses for the first time shows up in the squadron spaces with his new USN issue BCD (Birth Control Devices, ugly glasses). Looking at himself in the mirror and muttering to himself and getting old, etc.

Female Cpl. walks by as Capt. mutters "God I’m getting old and now I look like a f**cking geek, I’m never going to get laid."

Cpl. stops and deadpan tells the Capt. "Sir, you don’t look too goofy. I’d still F**k you, if you weren’t an officer."

All other Marines in the area have medical problems stemming from attempts at stifling laughter while said Capt. attempts to effectively chew out said Cpl. Capt. later pays heavily at Kangaroo Court while Cpl. has beer mysteriously appear on her desk courtesy of the officers social fund.

[R O Tiree]

Cranditz, 1981, and A Sqn has a USAF Capt female exchange officer. She's famous for a complete lack of a sense of humour, BTW. It is Oh-dark-30 and the Sqn is parading for inspection. One of the cadets has forgotten to tidy up the draw-string on his DP jacket.

Capt - "Soldier, you have something dangling between your legs."

Cue much irate screaming as parade collapses around her ears.

[Paterbrat]

While getting fit enough to pole Chimunks around Yorkshire a Y/O has just completed a three mile run down to the Lympstone camp range from the very muddy endurance course on the moor. As he dragged his exceedingly weary way back past the drill sheds he failed to observe a compliment being paid to him by a distant squad of recruits being marched around on the far side of the parade ground by a Colour Sargeant renown for his dislike of young Sir's.
A bellow was heard echoeing across the parade ground
" Sir! We are saluting you!"
The faint but equaly audible reply was unfortunately overheard heard by a passing Major.
" So you should Sergeant. So you f*****g well should!"

Both protaginists were invited to amuse each other later in some extra drill.

[Cyclic Hotline]

Very entertaining thread! ;)

Many years ago our hangar was run by a particularly curt and humourless former Clydeside ship-builder who had later moved into the aviation business. He had a fearsome temper and manner, and everyone who came in contact with him, would do their utmost to avoid incurring his wrath and vengeance. He was a man of few words, but when he was angry the Glaswegian accent got stronger and liberal use of expletives multiplied dramatically!

One day in the hangar, a hapless fitter had screwed up on a project and it had been detected by the hangar boss. He marches out across the hangar to ream out his poor, cringing, victim....

Hangar Boss -(in full Glaswegian) "You f***ing worthless f***ing piece of f***ing sh**e! It dosen't f***ing matter what the f*** I give you to f***ing do, all you ever f***ing do is f*** it up, rant, f***ing rage, etc, f***ing etc."

Fitter - (cringingly) "Oh come on boss, everyone has a bad day."

In an almost sympathetic tone the Boss replies, "Aye, ye're right, I suppose everybody has a bad f***ing day now and then."

Then resorting to his normal and more typical self, through gritted teeth, he spits, "But YOU have 365 of the f***ers a year!' and stamps off to spoil someone else's day!



[This message has been edited by Cyclic Hotline (edited 15 October 2000).]

[40 yearflyer]

In the days when it was considered that only MOs could fit flying helmets....... German exchange QFI at RAFC .... 'Vy do I haf to take my helmet to SSQ ?' answer By 20 English (and Welsh and Scots) QFIs 'To have your spike surgically removed ! ! !

[Jackonicko]

Please don't move it or kill it just yet!

[Flarechecklevel]

One sunny day in a far away land (just West of Blackpool) a small green helicopter approached a landing site at a camp inside the capital. On finals the LHS commander commented to his RHS (hands on) Pilot about the shape,texture and pertness of the young girls arse that he could see in the stables below. He commented out aloud and briefed the pilot on what exactly he would do with the said arse should he be lucky enough to get her into his sweaty clutches. Just prior to touching down the rear seat passenger commented also on the young girl to the now very exited LHS. "Yes Mr #"%^&!S she would 'GET IT' I suppose, but not from me though as I'm her Father. But your correct about her arse". RHS had trouble putting it down within any of the 3 marked H's!!! Now just remember DONT YOU F~~K ABOUT!!

[Nil nos tremefacit]

Nav stude to instructor at first Finningley Dining-in Night 'Cor, look at the t!ts on that WAAF. Aren't they massive?'

Instructor 'Yes, that's why I married her.'

(True - I was there, and stude is now Sqn Ldr at High Wycombe).

[John Nichol]

Similar to NNT's story;

TACEVAL endex happy hour - Laarbruch late 80's. V pizzed group of aircrew telling blunties just how it should be done. Larger than average lady enters bar. "Jesus, will you look at the size of that fat hoofer", says young pilot, "who the f**ck would marry that thing?". Chief blunty supplier (sqn ldr) says, "that 'thing' is my wife". Much shuffling of feet and staring at floor ensued.

[Jensen]

CFS course. Aerodynamics lesson, learning about vortices. Lecturer trying to show that speed of rotation increases the closer you are to the centre. http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/graphics/test2.gif

Lecturer: Imagine a spider in a bath. Pull the plug out, and the water starts to spiral around the plughole. What does the spider do as it gets closer to the plughole?

- Lecturer hoping for answer “it speeds up”

Stude: It panics.

[oldbeefer]

Gutersloh mid 80's after a bad night in the bar. Female airtrafficer to about to retire Puma pilot - "hows your head, Chips?"

Response - "neverhad any complaints so far".

[The Mistress]

Oldbeefer

I can vouch that that is true, except Chips retired in the late 80's. I was at his emotional bash when his AFC was announced in RW's house. I assume you were there too and that we have met :)

[Hydraulic Palm Tree]

Chips was still around in the early 90's. I got p1ssed with him many times at Laarbruch when we both lived in the mess. Helped him move into a flat. It was up a couple of flights of stairs and I thought he was going to croak, he had gone that red/out of breath. He retired to live in France I believe. Great bloke, despite having crap eyesight (who put that hangar there?

HPT

[stiknruda]

Nav stude at Finningley - early eighties. Batting staff (female) brings "Sir" his tea in the morning:

"Ah tea! Dis you make it?"
"Yes Mr P"

Stude whips back duvet, revealing himself and said "So are you a Goblin teasmaid?"


All I can remember is that the **** hit the fan big time - Axminster drill in front of Staish, etc.

Vaguely recall that same stude(?) was responsible for the fire alarm going off in the mess accomodation block v late one Sat and that there appeared to be more student nurses than Officers evacuating the building!

[SirToppamHat]

Mate of mine working on the shiny fleet (Andover I believe) HM down the back, Phil the Greek in the RHS. All's quiet so the Cap'n turns to PtG and says:

"Would Her Majesty like to come up to the cockpit for a look see Sir?"

PtG "Nah, If it doesn't s**t and eat hay she's not interested."

------------------
You're All Really Useful Engines!

[40 yearflyer]

Idlewild(Kennedy to you young bloods)Airport on a hot Summer's day. Twelve Piston Airliners at the holding point.. no clearances...no movement ...no explanation from ATC.

Unidentified transmission......'Ah Sh*t'

ATC 'Callsign of last transmission'

Silence

Twee British voice breaks the silence.. 'Idlewild Tower this is Speedbird 069 WE didn't say 'Ah Sh*t'

Eleven other transmissions then followed in similiar vein in American, Canadian ,French and other accents.

[misterploppy]

I was reminded the other night of the amazing phenomenon whereby in a pub, restaurant or mess dinner, there can be a loud general hubbub, but just as some poor sod says something ballsacheingly embarassing if taken out of context, the hubbub just happens to take a lull and the whole company hears the said embarassing comment.

The incident which brought this to mind was on Saturday night about 9 o'clock in a noisy pub in the Lake District with 2 well-oiled rugby teams making a hell of a lot of 'hubbub'. Unfortunately, all the guys seemed to stop for breath together just as some poor lass at the bar was saying to her chum "I suppose I could always sell my body." 15 minutes later after many ribald offers and much laughter, the pub returned to general hubbub.

A few years ago I was at a dinner for about 25 officers with the Colonel presiding. A gang of us subalterns were trying to explain this particular manifestation of "Sod's Law" to a Major who had never heard of this phenomenon before and wouldn't believe it.
The conversation went on for about 20 minutes with the Major eventually getting quite terse as he felt we were talking utter b0ll0cks. Sensing blood, after much discreet kicking under the table, the exasperated Major eventually blurted out (with sound effects):

hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, "So just because I was to say..." hubbub "something like...." silence "the Colonel's a w@anker ..." absolute silence!

After watching him try to explain to the Colonel for 5 (hilarious for us but ballsacheingly embarassing for him) minutes we coughed to the Colonel that it had been a set up.

He still had to buy the first round in the bar though.

[Jackonicko]

The moral has to be that one must be careful what you say, when you say it, and to whom. Even just some woman in traffic. Which reminds me of what an American colleague told me, when I asked him how he could be so calm when he kept being cut up by lady drivers on the freeway.

"I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently peeved the driver enough that he hung out his window and abused the woman. "Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst period day of their live. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is ARMED! No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of pissing her off."

[ChristopherRobin]

This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


------------------
Christopher Robin

[This message has been edited by ChristopherRobin (edited 21 October 2000).]

[Vortex ring sting]

Hehehe that general should be a President not a general

[Vortex ring sting]

Years ago Lynx Jocks visiting a American Apache Base not long after Gulf war. Americans had the disturbing priviledge of letting two NCO pilots drive their Sim.. One a kiwi one an ex royal Anglian, After playing about for a bit the two spot some M113's on the screen.. Kiwi guy in driving seat says to ex angle iron in gunners seat.."tanks shoot em...." To which the American (very serious) Instructor gunner replies "that's blue on blue, you can't do that" kiwi guy..."well you f..king do!!" seconds latter happy hellfire blows tanks all over the place much to the amusement of the Angleiron and Kiwi and American Instructor pilot. IG not a happy teddy.

[SirToppamHat]

Early 80s, evening F3 sortie, England playing soccer against an 'unknown' team by the name of San Marino (Population 15 and a donkey, expectation of victory V High, even for England!).

TV is on in the back of the ops room. Been playing for about 5 mins, San Marino score!

Sortie is in second split, looking for 70 miles so plenty of time outbound. Controller says:

"Rxxxx Formation, would you like the latest football score?"

"Neat Rxxxx 2 affirmative."

"England nil, San Marino one."

(Bemused Response) "Neat er say again"

"England nil, San Marino one. Would you like me to authenticate?"

"I'd like Graham Taylor to F@*k Off!"

"Roger."

Cue the landlines all go and it's yet another bollocking for the controller from an MC without a sense of humour! I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't me that swore!



------------------
You're All Really Useful Engines!

[The Green Scopie]

For those who don't know, down the Falklands the fighter controllers at Mt Kent do the area radar for the Troopers coming in. Once they get inside the range of the Watchman at MPA they are handed over.
One day when the CSE show was due in the controller asked for POB.
Pilot replys 'XXX pob including the cse show.'
Controller 'Confirm your carrying more flap than usual.'
Phone then rings and the controller is invited to drive down to MPA and explain himself to the female SATCO who was monitoring the Freq.
Oh yes, that controller was Max Seaman of earlier fame. You did however miss out the fact that he was born in Staines.

[Jackonicko]

Posted by Hugmonster on another thread, but surely worth repeating here:

BN2 XL
By a well-known flight magazine.

Undaunted by technical realities, the design team at Pilatus Britten - Norman has announced plans for the BN2-XL, promising more noise, reduced payload, a lower cruise speed, and increased pilot workload.

We spoke to Mr. Fred Gribble, former British Rail boilermaker, and now Chief Project Engineer. Fred was responsible for developing many original and creative design flaws in the service of his former employer,
and will be incorporating these in the new BN2-XL technology under a licensing agreement. Fred reassured BN-2 pilots, however, that all fundamental design flaws of the original model had been retained. Further good news is that the XL version is available as a retrofit.

Among the new measures is that of locking the ailerons in the central position, following airborne and simulator tests which showed that whilst pilots of average strength were able to achieve up to 30 degrees of control wheel deflection, this produced no appreciable variation in the net flight of the aircraft. Thus the removal of costly and unnecessary linkages has been possible, and the rudder has been nominated as the primary directional control. In keeping with this new philosophy, but to retain commonality for crews transitioning to the XL, additional resistance to foot pressure has been built in to the rudder pedals to prevent over-controlling in gusty conditions (defined as those in which wind velocity exceeds 3 knots).

An outstanding feature of Islander technology has always been the adaptation of the O-540 engine, which mounted in any other aircraft in the free world (except the Trislander) is known for its low vibration levels. The Islander adaptations cause it to shake and batter the airframe, gradually crystallise the main spar, desynchronise the accompanying engine, and simulate the sound of fifty skeletons fornicating in an aluminium dustbin. PBN will not disclose the technology they applied in preserving this effect in the XL but Mr. Gribble assures us it will be perpetrated in later models and sees it as a strong selling point. "After all, the Concorde makes a lot of noise" he said, "and look how fast that goes."

However design documents clandestinely recovered from the PBN shredder have solved a question that has puzzled aerodynamicists and pilots for many years, disclosing that it is actually noise which causes the BN2 to fly. The vibration set up by the engines, and amplified by the airframe, in turn causes the air molecules above the wing to oscillate at atomic frequency, reducing their density and creating lift. This can be demonstrated by sudden closure of the throttles, which causes the aircraft to fall from the sky. As a result, lift is proportional to noise, rather than speed, explaining amongst other things the aircraft's remarkable takeoff performance.

In the driver's cab (as Gribble describes it) ergonomic measures will ensure that long-term PBN pilots' deafness does not cause in-flight dozing. Orthopaedic surgeons have designed a cockpit layout and seat to maximise backache, en-route insomnia, chronic irritability and terminal (post-flight) lethargy. Redesigned "bullworker" elastic aileron cables, now disconnected from the control surfaces, increase pilot workload and fitness. Special noise retention cabin lining is an innovation on the XL, and it is hoped in later models to develop cabin noise to a level which will enable pilots to relate ear-pain directly to engine power, eliminating the need for engine instruments altogether.

We were offered an opportunity to fly the XL at Britten-Norman's development facility, adjacent to the BritRail tearooms at Little Chortling. (The flight was originally to have been conducted at the Pilatus plant but aircraft of BN design are now prohibited from operating in Swiss airspace during avalanche season). For our mission profile, the XL was loaded with coal for a standard 100 nm trip with BritRail reserves, carrying one pilot and nine passengers to maximise discomfort. Passenger loading is unchanged, the normal under-wing protrusions inflicting serious lacerations on 71% of boarding passengers, and there was the usual confusion in selecting a door appropriate to the allocated seat. The facility for the clothing of embarking passengers to remove oil slicks from engine cowls during loading has been thoughtfully retained.

Start-up is standard, and taxiing, as in the BN2 is accomplished by brute force. Takeoff calculations called for a 250-decibel power setting, and the rotation force for the (neutral) C of G was calculated at 180 ft/lbs. of backpressure.

Initial warning of an engine failure during takeoff is provided by a reduction in vibration of the flight instrument panel. Complete seizure of one engine is indicated by the momentary illusion that the engines have suddenly and inexplicably become synchronised. Otherwise, identification of the failed engine is achieved by comparing the vibration levels of the windows on either side of the cabin. (Relative passenger pallor has been found to be an unreliable guide on many BN2 routes because of ethnic consideration).

Shortly after takeoff the XL's chief test pilot, Capt. Mike "Muscles" Mulligan demonstrated the extent to whch modern aeronautical design has left the BN2 untouched; he simulated pilot incapacitation by slumping forward onto the control column, simultaneously applying full right rudder and bleeding from the ears. The XL, like its predecessor, demonstrated total control rigidity and continued undisturbed. Power was then reduced to 249 decibels for cruise, and we carried out some comparisons of actual flight performance with graph predictions. At 5000 ft and ISA, we achieved a vibration amplitude of 500 CPS and 240 decibels, for a fuel flow of 210 lb/hr, making the BN2-XL the most efficient converter of fuel to noise after the Titan rocket.

Exploring the Constant noise/Variable noise concepts, we found that in a VNE dive, vibration reached its design maximum at 1000 CPS, at which point the limiting factor is the emulsification of human tissue. The catatonic condition of long-term BN2 pilots is attributed to this syndrome, which commences in the cerebral cortex and spreads outwards. We asked Capt. Mulligan what he considered the outstanding features of the XL. He cupped his hand behind his ear and shouted "Whazzat?"

We returned to Britten-Norman convinced that the XL model retains the marque's most memorable features, whilst showing some significant and worthwhile regressions.

PBN are not, however, resting on their laurels. Plans are already advanced for the Trislander XL and noise tunnel testing has commenced. The basis of preliminary design and performance specifications is that lift increases as the square of the noise, and as the principle of acoustic lift is further developed, a later five-engined vertical take-off model is also a possibility."

[raytofclimb]

My IOT Flt Cdr was a SAR pilot and he claimed that on MPA tours they would go a little way off-shore towards "sausage-side", dial up an Argentinian ATC frequency and say

(cue TV accent)
"Specialo reporto meterologicalo por islas malvinas; Scorchio!"

[Flarechecklevel]

Hear the one about the USAF fastmover that requested flight level 980? The cocky AT controller cameback with "Well if you think you can get it then by all means you can have it...ha...ha...ha." "DECENDING to FL 980" Controller.......nothing heard out!

[kbf1]

Flare......yeah about 4 pages back in the thread.

I'll GMC.

------------------
Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!

[mik]

Probably not true, but still funny :

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the **** Up!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"

[Evergreen 41]

Overheard conversation in the tower at a station in middle england...

Civilian engineer: What's the station commanders name here?

Very new girly JO: I think it's Group Captain Staish.

[granfalloon]

Scene - JO, not long out of IOT, been at CWL long enough to know better talking to a certain AVM on day of IOT grad.

JO: So, Are you here for the graduation sir?
Addressee: Ummm, No, i'm the Commandant.
JO: Ah - Have you been here long?
Addressee: Four years, i'm leaving next week.
JO: Oh.


The guilty party knows who he is :)



[This message has been edited by granfalloon (edited 30 October 2000).]

[John Eacott]

Wonderful thread, I haven't got any work done for a couple of hours!

Back when the RAF was painted blue, not wearing it, I was flogging around in a Wessex, and listened to a very practised voice from a 700S Sea King advising
"Pan Pan Pan, total electrics failure, position is, etc. etc., closing down radios"

Squeaky voice came back "Station calling Culdrose, say again all after 'Pan' "

Then there was the Wessex that ditched and managed to get out a Mayday. Unfortunately the Jenny listening fainted, so it was a half hour or so before anyone noticed they were overdue http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

[Thud_and_Blunder]

Went to a curry lunch here in Ramadan-land to be part of the rentacrowd for the JHC 2-star's visit to the Brit mil flying unit here on the island. Was reminded of EESDL's contribution on page 7, looked it up and then spent ages wandering through the other pages - best laugh going. It's still true about the ferret, by the way. Switched-on bloke though - sound purple attitude.

Just to keep the thread alive, here's a second hand recounting of something alleged to have happened not long after the double-headed dump-truck arrived in Germany. As the first heli in Crab service to have a passable Proc IF fit, crews strove to master the dark-grey art of tracking airways, flying holds and generally throwing the aircraft at the ground without a friendly PAR talkdown to make it easy. Two pilots who are now both sadly not hovering on this particular ethereal plane went off to overhead Dortmund or wherever and set about sector joins and holds. After about an hour, with the senior mate having given the junior a hard time for his perceived errors and then shown him his version of 'how it should have been done' they called Clutch for vectors back to the G-spot. The German controller, known to be a fairly dry character, asked "Hef you been practising holds over the DOM?". Audibly preening after his final demos, the QHI replied in the affirmative.

"Vot a fucch-up"

(as a sad post-script, does anyone mind explaining to poor innocent/ gullible/ ill-informed me what GICASI's name actually means?)

[droptank]

Dear T&B,
Well done for dredging the thread up and dusting it off - we need a larf!

GICASI - Old mud-movers cry (though others will try to claim it) - 'Get in Close and Smash It'.

Liked the DOM tale - thought it was going to be the one about the helo told to 'Hold at XXX' and did just that - without moving! Your was better!

[TimC]

There must be more stories not yet posted. Please post some more :).

[PaulDeGearup]

When I was a Bloggs at Linton we had several Nigerians on our course one of whom went by the name of David Ashebu. They normally only addressed each other by surname. As we neared the end of our course the previous course reappearred for a Mk 5 refresher before heading of to Valley.

Sitting on the desk as duty stude was one of our Nigerian chums. The old Hadley boxed beeped and voice in heavily accented English said simply " Ashebu"

At which point one of the refreshing mates ht the talk switch and replied "Bless You" before switching it off.

[Preciousboy]

What about the old (and true) story of the Phantom that shot down a Jaguar during a Taceval in Germany in the late seventies.

One of the many stories to come out of this involves one of the Taceval team standing behind a fighter controller to record 'kills'.

Allegedly, on receiving the call 'This is Phantom 1, I've just shot down a Jag..blah blah blah' the Taceval team mate has replied;
' Oh no no no, doesn't this pri*ck read the kill criteria, he can't claim it, he only got one missile off the rails!'

Doh!

[wow400]

And continuing the topic about real 'made-up-names' there is a Roger Organ out there with a middle name of Richard.
No Kidding - I guess it toughened him up at school!

[Nil nos tremefacit]

The Jag shooting was v.early eighties. Well known Jock with false teeth made the switches.

Made up version:

ATC: Phantom callsign blah, you're number 3 in the pattern behind the Jag.

F4 Mate: Not now we're not!

Oh, for the sick jokes!

[John Eacott]

Droptanks comment on the helicopter hold reminded me of the GCA into Culdrose when, feeling a bit bored after a 4 hour dunkex ( and probably overconfident with a shiny new Master Green) we gradully slowed down and reversed track back up the glideslope. Took chummy in the GCA cab about 1.5 track miles to work it out, but the patter kept us straight :)

Never heard another word after landing, probably too embarrased!

[Adastral]

Story from days of BFTS:

My course mate and I were due to fly in a 3-ship formation sortie in the Tin-can. Part of this involved a three-way tailchase. I was number 2 and my friend was number 3.

In the middle of the tailchase the lead entered a loop. I followed him up, chased by number three who pulled a bit too hard, got inside the loop and lost visual with us both. The instructor took control as he mouthed a few choice swear words at my pal.

Back on the ground came the humiliating debrief. In true instructor fashion they tried to 'elicit' the lesson from today's sortie.

Instructor "So, John, where were you when we pulled up in to the loop during the tailchase?"

John "I was number three."

Instructor "And what did you do?"

John "I pulled too hard and went under number 2."

Instructor "So if you were underneath him, how could you see him?"

John (With Top Gun hands) " Because I was inverted!"

Which, despite being a superbly timed oneliner, got him a hat's on with the Sqn Boss and loss of solo flying cat for attitude!!

[theTomcat]

Back before i was an intrepid aviator i had to spend one year at that delightful place, Sandhurst. In my first term we had a Captain from the Aussie Infantry. He decided to brief us on the upcoming exercise to sunny Sennybridge which as usual involved marching with bloody heavy loads over vasts distances. When he came to describe it, it went something like this " Men i have done some bloody hard exercises in my time but this will hurt like buggery, and believe you me i know !! " At which point whole platoon is crying with laughter on the floor!!

[threadbare]

A story I don't think has been posted is one told by one of our instructors.

Going back a few years now the USAF had developed a new stronger canopy which was supposed to be able to withstand a birdstrike at about 400kts. There was a big publicity stunt with the President coming to witness a test of this new canopy and of course all of the media were in tow. However they ran out of chickens to fire at the canopy and so one of the under deputies was sent to get some for this demonstration. With all the cameras trained on this stunt the President is given all the usual spiel then bang the chicken is fired at the canopy where it promptly goes straight through it, through the back of the cockpit and out through the side of the hangar.
A very red faced under deputy is then informed that frozen chickens from Walmart can't fly...

[YakYak]

IOT course studying GSPs - this particular lesson being on guard duty. All cadets have dutifully been practising what to say in various instances as per lesson beforehand.

F/S: The vehicle drives up to the barrier. The driver does not have any ID. What do you say?

Anon. Stude: Take a day!

(It was funny at the time).

[loaded1]

Tolerant university girlfriend listened dutifully to tales of UAS student visit to RAF Chivenor as was, and flight in back of Hawk, with its ejector seat.

Not long thereafter; holiday flight to Athens and visit to flightdeck of Big Airways Tristar. P2 motors his seat backwards. Girlfriend asks:

"Is that your ejaculation seat"?

Stunned silence.

[BEagle]

Back in the late '70s, the RAF was still blessed with a telephone system which would have made Alexander Graham Bell wonder why he'd bothered. To phone outside one's station, onr rang the operator and requested the distant station; there would then be a series of clicks and hisses before operators came on further up the telephonic food-chain and re-directed the call:"Central? Oh, Rothwell Haigh, please dear" and other mysterious conversations would go on at progressively weaker volume level before one was connected to the other end and asked for the extension. One could expect to get Llanbedr when one wanted Lampeter, Brawdy or Bawdsey when one wanted Bawtry. The whole system could suddenly go dead, and if one paused for thought during a conversation, there would be a sudden screech of "ARE YOU WORKING" from some old biddy keeping an eye on her few trunk lines.
One fine day, a chum at a famous Scampton Vulcan squadron (not the one connected with a dead dog, or the boat-spotting one) was attempting to use this system in our Ops room to ring Henlow. The usual look of patient frustration wason his face; however after a few unsuccessful "Hello, hello, are you there operator?" entreaties, he announced to all and sundry "Bollock$! This $odding phone is still f*cked! What a piece of utter $hit!"
Whereupon an anguished outburst which could be heard half-way across the room came from the phone "There's no need for language like that, young man", screeched the outraged harpie!
You never know who's listening, do you e*h*l*n?

[SATCOS WHIPPING BOY]

BEagle

The RAF is STILL blessed with a telephone system which would have made Alexander Graham Bell wonder why he bothered!
Named after the technology on which it is based....Incan :)

[Roobarb]

I’m sorry but it’s difficult to type through a veil of tears. I know some of the people and victims involved. Well, here’s a couple to keep you going:

1. Same delightful RAF backwater near Tadcaster, out young blade is strolling over to the squadron and spies the SWO (archetypal hater of pilot officers) :

SWO: Morning, Sir

Matey: Mr Cork, why aren’t you bollocking me for walking across the grass?

SWO: Because you’re an officer, Sir

Matey: In that case why aren’t you saluting me? (Should take up breakdancing in minefields, It’d be safer)

2. Matey taxying out for first solo in the Bulldog (WOWWW!)

ATC: L123 say POB

Matey: Err, zero POB

ATC: Confirm at least one POB?

Matey: Ooh..sorry, I thought you meant passengers.

3. Taxying down the parallel at RAF Wijjering, aircraft being operated by AOC 1 Gp

ATC: ASCOT, From the Duty Instructor, you’re taxying too fast

ASCOT: From the AOC, I’ll taxy as fast as I bloody well like.


Ahhh, blissful memories. Keep’m coming mates

http://www.sausages.demon.co.uk/ian/classic/thumbs/roobarb.gif

[Wiley]

I think a similar tale’s been told before, but it’s good enough to bear repeating. USAF C-141 inbound to the very busy Kadena airbase in Okinawa at the height of the Vietnam to-do. ATC man is talking non-stop to a truly amazing number of aircraft on his frequency. Seeming not to have taken a breath in ten minutes, he smoothly intones “MAC 1234, say POB.”
Very young-sounding voice: “Mac 1234 – P.O.B. (Haw, haw, haw.)”
ATC man doesn’t even pause or change tone: “Rog MAC 1234, say ‘Cancel IFR’.”
Very fast and very chastened correct reply from shavetail 2nd Lt co-pilot.