I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...

[BEagle]

Ah yes, hats....

Sqn Cdr found an easy solution to my tatty old one - he fed it to vascodagama's new Labrador.....:(

Although I retrieved it from the monster's dripping jaws having bribed it with a crew room biscuit (or rather, several) - and shoved it into the bottom of my headset bag as a memento. I thought I'd never need it again....until I mislaid my 'real' hat at Incirlik and had to attend the 'O' group meeting wearing the grubby, Labrador-chewed relic......:uhoh:

27mm wrote: As did a Valley Sqn Cdr back in the 70s; landed at Sleap, thinking it was Shawbs, having made all the right calls.

True! Just before my time, but I gather that they were on a diversion and the Sqn Cdr exclaimed "WTF, Bloggs, it's THERE!! Can't you see the b£oody place? FFS....I have control". They landed and someone chased them in a car - there then followed a "WTF are you doing on the RW" / "WTF are you doing landing on our test track?" conversation with a chap in a secret prototype Ford of some sort....

The studes at Valley wanted to make a "Welcome to RAF St Mawgan!" sign to greet the Sqn Cdr's return, but were 'persuaded' that This Was Not A Good Idea!

[Pontius Navigator]

Lindholme Hastings doing routine trainer round the Bomber atCommand dispersal airfield with Stn Cdr getting in some stick time with QFI.

After rolling at Lyneham,

"Sir, if you did that at Lindholme you would have taken the boundary fence out."

Back at Lindholme he did just that.

[twothree]

The B747 freighter was operated by mainly European crew. (I know this the military section of PPrune, but I did my bit, so bear with me.) The crew consisted of Captain, First Officer and Flight Engineer. Hans (not his real name) was GERMAN, myself, and the Flt Eng, Brits.

The aircraft was one of the stretched upper deck types, converted to freighter, and we had 6 very comfortable business class seats behind the flight-deck.

The problem was that there was no water available on board. Not in the toilet, nor in the galley for hot drinks. And the company had previously planned for all of the seats to be used by DT crew for the next two sectors. But being a freighter operation, plans change and the DT crews didn’t turn up, BUT dozens and dozens of bottles of Evian water were loaded on board to cater for the number of bodies supposedly onboard for the next several hours.

I stand just aft of the flight-deck and marvel at the stack of water bottles piled up against the bulk-head. The Eng. is at his panel fiddling with paperwork and, as it is Hans sector, he is head down fiddling with the FMC or whatever.

I make a general comment into the flight-deck. ” There is enough bl**dy water here to sink the Bismark”. At which, the Eng. rapidly turns his head and stares at me, and I immediately realise maybe I might have put my foot in it. Both of us then look at Hans who has stopped doing whatever, but after about 5 seconds continues fiddling with the FMC etc.

So during that sector the conversation somehow covers a part of WWII, concerning a certain German battleship and how it took NEARLY the WHOLE of the RN to eventually sink it, AND the Brits back in the 1950s or so, made a movie about it called “Sink the Bismark”. Myself and the Eng. were never sure if Hans had even heard of the circumstances of the Bismark sinking, but we did our best to enlighten him, GENTLY.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks, later during a conversation with another couple of crewmembers who flew with Hans and who had picked up a full load of DT crew, who would be onboard for two long sectors. Hans was heard to say “Ah! Ve now hav enough crew meals on board to sink the Bismark” Good lad!

[Danny42C]

twothree,

Your: "and how it took NEARLY the WHOLE of the RN to eventually sink it "

And the fatal blow was struck by a Canadian pilot with a Swordfish (he put a torpedo into the rudder post of "Bismarck", this jammed the rudder hard over), they couldn't free it and the ship was helpless, steaming in circles and effectively immobile, until the avenging heavy units caught up with it.

Even so, they fought to the end and went down with all guns firing. You have to salute them for that.

D.

[NutherA2]

Basic Flying Training (real Provost), 1955; during an early solo GH sortie, I heard an R/T call from a fellow student “Switching to 121.5 for Practice Pan”. I changed frequency to follow the proceedings, the subsequent calls were:-


“Practice Pan, Practice Pan, Practice Pan, this is *****”


“**** this is @@@@ no Practice Pans today, there’s a Royal Flight”


“@@@@ This is **** Roger. Practice Mayday, Practice Mayday, Practice Mayday,”


My course mate did get an interesting debrief back at Feltwell, which made him wish he hadn’t said that, but he eventually retired as a 2 Star which was many grades higher than I reached.

[BEagle]

Many years ago, during a boat-spotting Ocean Safari MRR bore-ex, 'Valerie' the AEO starts sending his routine 'Disport' broadcast...

"All Stations, all stations, this is XXXXX, Disport opens...." followed by several minutes of positions and boat track directions. On and on he droned, followed finally by ".....Disport ends...OUT".

Quick as a flash comes the reply "XXXXX, this is Midland Radar - I guess that wasn't for us then?"

Not the sharpest tool in the box was Valerie (he managed to cartridge start the AAPP on the ground with the Crew Chief underneath the wing....twice!", but from then on he always checked which radio he'd selected rather more carefully...:\

[Pontius Navigator]

BEagle, disgressing, did an Instow in the Med. As the broadcast slot came we passed the shout sheets to the AEO. He took 15 minutes broadcasting the first batch. As the next time slot came up we passed the next batch before he had time to draw breath and so it went on for an hour :)

[GICASI]

Pete Day did Pat's eulogy: he recounted ...

Pat was CO at Wittering when he, along with all other COs in the Group, was summoned to Gp HQ for a sesh with the AOC. The last item, tabled by the AOC, was introduced as "a drinking problem".

Pat told the AOC: "I don't think we have a drinking problem at Wittering. I think we're rather good at it".

Pfftt.

[anotherthing]

Early days on BOC at 750Sqn Culdrose. Our course had the first female Observer trainee.

When the question 'what does the emergency busbar power in the Jetstream' was asked, she puts her hand up and replies, with a hint of uncertainty in her voice..

"the winch..."

[shorelarks]

Does anyone remember the Flt Lt Nav, name of Dmitri Victorovitch Zotov. (New Zealander, but Russian ancestry).

Posted to Boscombe on the Nimrod AEW project, where he lowered his already marginal popularity by insisting it could never work (nobody likes a smarta**e).

Appointed to be Station Security Officer by Winco Admin with sense of humour so he could introduce 'Dimitri Zotov, our Security Officer' to visiting yanks; joke fell rather flat because they all had names like that.......... As I remember he was decorated for his work on the navigation systems on Nimrod, MBE I think. He then absconded on his boat to New Zealand and became the leading AAI for New Zealand. Lots of info on Google.

[Tinribs]

At Marham in the 60's we had to go to the CO's office annually to sign OCO's.
One order complained of officers wearing tatty hats and instructed us to check a hat in the PA's office as an example of totally unacceptable shabbiness. Someone stole it

Somewhere else they court martialled a hat and burnt it, on a silver salver

[thing]

Flying in to Crosland Moor (known in all seriousness as Huddersfield International...) to have lunch at the Sand's Edge pub about 15 minutes walk away. Now Crosland is one of the highest airfields in the UK, around 820' asl if I remember correctly so I thought I would ask for a QNH to sound a bit pro and asked for airfield info including QNH. Reply:

'As tha blind lad, use thi ...in eyes.'

Nice to be back in Yorkshire!
---
Again another Yorky airfield, Fadmoor on the NY Moors just north of Kirkbymoorside near a place called Gillamoor where there is a great pub called the Royal Oak. Didn't expect any reply so called 'Fadmoor traffic, G-** blah di blah' expecting silence. Reply a laconic voice 'Ave just teken off, watch thisen thers some chickens on't runway.'
---
Landing at Elstree for the first time, runway with more potholes and rough bits than a third world country. Walked up to tower to pay my fee, very nice man says 'Is this your first visit?'

'Yes, your runway could do with a bit of work.'

'Ah, we've just spent a squillion pounds having it resurfaced, that's the first complaint we've had.'

'Have you a larger spade?'

---

Landing at Great Massingham, an old deserted WWII airfield just north of Marham. Great pub in the village called the Dabbling Duck. Climbed out of a/c and noticed a dog underneath the wing.... Red faced owner running towards me, 'Sorry mate, he likes to piss on aircraft'.

RAF days:

Mate on arrival at Decci and gazing at the scenery 'It's as flat as a pancake round here apart from the mountains.'

---

Escort for court martial for SAC squadron chum at which I knew nothing of the case. 'You are accused of saying to Flt Lt Bloggs (a lady officer by the way)

'You need ....ing with the rough end of a pineapple.'

Cue collapse of stout party and SWO whispering in his best sotto 'Stop bloody sniggering or I'll have you for toast.'
---
Doing a freedom of Sodding Chipbury or some such place in a cricket pavilion because it was raining. Lots of local dignitaries etc. Came fix bayonets and my scabbard came away with the bayonet, however not to break the timing I carried on and was left with a non gleaming scabbard at the end of my SLR with bit of white frogging attached.

I could see a 'lady of worth' smiling at me and felt like a complete expletive. Everyone pretended to ignore my pain and later on at the bun fight said smiling woman came up to me and said 'You haven't had a good day have you?' I aplogised for the gaff and said that these things happen unfortunately.

'Oh it wasn't the bayonet, it was the fact that your flies were undone for the whole parade.'

Now how did she notice that?

[Wander00]

Officer Zotov - was he not at the Towers on about 86 Entry?

[oxenos]

more like 81 or 82.

[Wander00]

My guess is 83 then - they were senior entry to us as junior entry

[oxenos]

nope - I was 83 and he was ahead of me.

[Wander00]

Well, there you go, he must have left his persona behind as I was sure our paths crossed - however, yours and mine probably did - I was 88A

[helen-damnation]

RAF Topcliffe '88.

Beautiful summers day and Boss and SPLOT decide to go for some SCT. Assorted studes taking advantage of the weather, which was unfortunate as lots of witnesses.

Bullfrog comes to a screeching halt, SPLOT jumps out (as the junior crew member) to remove the brightly coloured pitot cover which fortunately hadn't melted on. Much tittering from the massed ranks, there but for the grace of etc!

Happy days.

[Tinribs]

100 sqn West Raynham, not a happy place after the avoidable loss of two crew. Boss v unpopular to the point of being despised.
Flight Commander TB calls boys together says morale v low must make an effort etc. From now on we will all stand up when the boss enters the room

Voice from the back, "whats he look like"

[thing]

Coningsby around 74/75, CO walks into liney crewroom (Allinson or Allison by name? Can't remember.) Everyone carries on as normal.

CO 'Don't you stand to attention when the Station Commander walks into the room.'

'Yes' pipes up a tiny voice.

CO 'Well WHY AREN'T YOU?!!'

Tiny voice 'Who are you?'

Card playing, uckers, swearing and farting carry on as normal.

Stout party walks out in huff, major bollocking by SENGO for us. Probably for him as well...:E

Don't mess with the lineys...

[BEagle]

And you think that it was somehow amusing that the ignorant rabble behaved in such a manner towards the CO?

A shame that he didn't immediately call the SWO and advise him that he'd just found a few willing volunteers for the SWO's working party....:mad:

[Courtney Mil]

Thing,

Not a tale to be proud of.

-1

[Union Jack]

Can't help feeling that Thing must now be thinking, "I wish I hadn't said that".:=

Irony lives.....:ok:

Jack

[thing]

Crikey guys, take a chill, it was forty odd years ago. The ensign was lowered a long time ago for us.

[Haraka]

That same gentleman IIRC was in one of the Squadrons' flight planning one morning hunched over his charts.
Mimicking one of the exec's habits, a junior nav. walked past , ran his finger up the back of said individual's neck and announced "Haircut!", before continuing on his way,
....... for a few steps.

[bobward]

As I say above, we morons on civvy street can be equally stupid.

As part of the day job I used to have to have regular meetings with contractors on such things as elfan safety and contract matters. When talking contracts I had to take along a legal person to make sure I didn't do anything unreasonable, like ask the contractor to do things.

Picture the scene when a very attractive contracts analyst and I turn up to talk with a bunch of rough seafarers. Being gentlemen, they arranged for tea and buns during the meeting. Our host looks across the table, motions to the buns and asked her if she'd like another muffin.......

Quite how many of us almost choked I'm not prepared to say.........

[sixfootfive]

In a Hercules, over the States.

Me: Metro, would you like a PIREP?
Metro: Go ahead
Me: Height blah wind blah temp blah.......
Metro: Could you pass your current position?
Me: I'm the co-pilot

[goudie]

For the ground crew to behave as they did, in 'thing's' post, I suspect there was extremely poor morale on the Sqdn in general. I experienced it albeit briefly on my Sqdn in Cyprus. A change of CO and a new, no nonsense Flt Sgt fixed it!

[Wander00]

Then there was the record request to Radio Lincolnshire, early 80s, for the Stn Cdr at a certain fighter station in the Wolds -"The Fool on the Hill"!

[Geezers of Nazareth]

In a Hercules, over the States.

Me: Metro, would you like a PIREP?
Metro: Go ahead
Me: Height blah wind blah temp blah.......
Metro: Could you pass your current position?
Me: I'm the co-pilot

I heard something equally 'stupid' whilst listening on HF about 20 years ago.
An American transport aircraft called-up on HF and had a phone-patch to the Metro Office at RAF Mildenhall, where he requested and received a forecast for wherever he was flying to. The Metro guy asked, as usual, for a PIREP, and the pilot obliged. When he gave his position as part of the report his lat/long was very precise, and the Metro guy asked where that was ... to be told ... RAF Mildenhall!

[Il Duce]

I wish I hadn't transmitted, "Speechless1, pass your message".

[Danny42C]

Very old story (from "Flight", I think, 50+ years back, when civil R/T was much more relaxed):

"BA9999 airborne Manchester for Belfast"........Long silence....."BA9999, that service is scheduled for Newcastle".......Even Longer Silence......."Hang on, we'll go back and ask the passengers where they've got tickets for !"

(reported to "Flight" by a reader with an air-band radio).

Il Duce,
..."Speechless aircraft, pass your message"...
As you are clearly a fellow alumnus of that Fount of All Wisdom and Knowledge (ie the School of Air Traffic Confusion) at Shawbury, you will have heard the apocryphal story of a Talkdown in extremis ....."Look around for your runway and crash visually - talkdown out !"

Danny.

[FantomZorbin]

Danny I'm afraid the times they are a'changin.
Wef 4 April, CATCS will be retitled the School of Air Operations Control (SAOC) and "converged" with the School of Aerospace Battle Management all under the newly formed Defence College of Airspace Control.


I wonder how much all this is costing? ... letter heads, notice boards etc

[Danny42C]

Fahtom Zorbin,

I got out at the right time (1972). !

Jobs for the Boys ?

Danny.

[Wander00]

The guy who said "All Air Cadet Gliding is paused for the Easter weekend"

[AR1]

Returning downstairs from a Tech call by ATC, I commented about the assistant and said to my shift member, wouldn't mind smearing ****** in Yoghurt and having my breakfast.

A couple of shifts later I'm doing paperwork at my desk one evening, the door opens and in walks ******* - sits down on the desk and plants a pot of yoghurt in front of me.

I really, really wished I hadn't said that.

[Roadster280]

Sounds like an invitation to me!

[taxydual]

AR1

So, what happened? Don't keep us in suspense. Did your probiotic intake increase?

[andyy]

Well, the appropriate response was clearly, "fantastic, breakfast has arrived and I'm starving!"

[AR1]

Sadly, chaps I was hugely embarrassed. And married. There were a few smirks from the others in ATC for weeks to come. :O
You can think what you want, but sometimes its best to keep your mouth shut.

[air pig]

AR1:

Hagen Das is far far better.

[NickB]

At work in a meeting, I was commenting about an Account Manager that had positive dealings with and attempted to pay her a genuine compliment. I meant to say one of the following: 'she is ahead of the game' OR 'she is on the ball'. Unfortunately it came out as "yes, XXXXXX is on the game"...

[Newforest2]

As good as my entry! A long time ago, maybe even as a teenager, the conversation in our local cafe with my boss and the (female) cafe owner was concerning cameras. The subject of the conversation was the BOLEX camera, in my imagination, I was visualising the word letter by letter and I immediately uttered my thoughts as B*ll*cks. :O

[hunterboy]

Nervous mate of mine temporarily unsure of position somewhere in Scotland....
Mate :"Practice pan, practice pan , practice pan, request training fix, etc, etc"
ATC : "roger ABC, transmit for DF"
Mate: " Errr, say again? "
ATC : " Never mind......you are 5 miles North of XXX":O

[Danny42C]

"You are touch miles from sixdown - make a final cock of your checkpit for landing !"

[condor17]

Danny , similar but I was there ...
'' LHR ground , Shuttle PZ request start for Edinburgh ''
'Shuttle PZ we've got you planned for Glasgow '
'' Standby we'll ask the pax '' .........

''LHR ground from PZ , Pax say Edinburgh please '' .

Another embarrassment from around the turn of the millennium ,
Inbound to Lisbon from the North , downwind left hand for 03 .
ATC as usual keep us high 'n fast , then clears us for a visual .
Lovely young new lady co flying .
Me to be helpful ....
'' A++ , Just do a Stuka attack on that carrier in the bay , turn over it and you'll be on finals nicely '' .

Reply was a bit unexpected ......
''D+++ , You know I'm German ? ''
''No , actually , ........................I didn't ......... pull brakes out , close throttles , pop the gear , point at that 'Septic' and you'll turn on finals nicely '' .

'' Ok , Ja , that'll do it '' .

A brilliant gurl , started as a nanny in London , persuaded to apply for a cadetship , graduated , no job . So, back to Germany ; qualified as ATC in Dusseldorf . Returned to LHR when jobs picked up . Now a very well respected 777 Captain .

rgds dave f .

[Skeleton]

Sqn Ldr Ops sits down at a meeting between 2 WO's both of whom are follicaly challenged.

"Dear me its like sitting between 2 bum cheeks" he quips, and awaits the polite laughter.

Instead he got,

"Well guess what that makes you Sir" from one of the bum cheeks. :D

[Danny42C]

Standard ex-Wehrmacht riposte when mocked on that account by beardless youths:

"Stahlhelm !"

[Danny42C]

Dave (#1047),

So the story was true after all !

RAF definition of civil landings before Autoland came in:

"A dirty dive at the runway with a controlled crash at the bottom""

(Only joking !), Danny,

[oxenos]

Or, " A stalling between two fools"

[larssnowpharter]

Some years ago (mid 70s) I drew the short straw and had to show a senior RAF Supplier around part of the station at RAF Leuchars.

We walked past the 'Wash Hangar' where, inside, there was a sick Jaguar.

"That's a small Phantom," quoth SSO.

"No wonder we can't get the right parts," I foolishly responded.

It was a quiet walk back to the Mess.

[Tinribs]

After leaving the Queens flying club I was between jobs and tried my hand at the Strawberry JPs, I would have stayed but it became obvious the job was limited timespan
The course student age/experience levels varied and so as the training progressed we adjusted our inputs to the perceived student ending with dealers choice, ie be as awkward as you like to put pressure on student.

Very experienced SNCO controller nearing end of course

Strawberry approach papa 62, birdstrike engine trouble get me on the ground
papa 62 strawberry approach say your height and position
papa 62 you'v got a radar you find me
papa 62 I'll change frequency now, you have a radio you find me

Instructor, this is a waste of time isn't it

[Danny42C]

Tinribs,

Off thread, but in my (first) time ('55) there, Marshalls' people were flying Chipmunks for the GCA School at Sleap.

Curiously, most of them were ex-FAA, and said that it was the only flying job you could get that only needed an "out of date driving licence". Any grain of truth in it ?

Danny.

[AtomKraft]

I remember our Colonel, Paul J was at at a mess dinner, when after cigars, brandy, etc the topic became...'the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you'.

Straight away, our leader fessed up that his mother had once caught him wanking.

'That's not really embarrassing, said a fellow officer- happens to everyone'

'What, yesterday?.........

:D

[Knucklehead]

The new Hawk T1 sim at Valley required students to don full flying clothing for each sortie.
An ancient instructor who had never dealt with attractive female pilots before, walked into the crewroom with an attractive blonde after a trip and said - 'Get your kit off and we'll go and debrief' After the howl of laughter from other instructors and students died down, the blonde replied. 'Thanks --- that's the best offer I've had all week!

[brokenlink]

Many years ago met a female colleague I had not seen in a while. Noticing a sizeable bump on her stomach I congratulated her and asked when the baby was due. Cue a very old fashioned look and the reply that as she had given up smoking she had put on some weight! I was forgiven, eventually!

[eastern wiseguy]

Gazelle outbound from Aldergrove on "Route 2'"

AAC xxx "Aldergrove we're just going to set down at the zone boundary to close a door"

Aldergrove Approach Controller "I didn't know we HAD a door at the zone boundary"

[pulse1]

brokenlink,

It it is any consolation I had a similar conversation with a neighbour. It turned out that she had the baby a couple of weeks before.:O:O

[mikemmb]

Akrotiri 1971'ish, desk job in Engineering Records.

Was on the phone to a guy I knew well but needed some info from the other side of the office, so asked him to ring me on extension xx.
Sprinted accross the office & just as I got there the phone started to ring, picked up the phone and cheerily answered it with ..........."station farm, duty pig"

Short delay from the other end, followed by "station commander here".

Luckily I realised it was true and not a continuation of my joke.
But the mumbling & grovelling that followed still makes me cringe!

[Pontius Navigator]

picked up the phone and cheerily answered it with ..........."station farm, duty pig"

Short delay from the other end, followed by "station commander here".

Luckily I realised it was true and not a continuation of my joke.
But the mumbling & grovelling that followed still makes me cringe!

Or "Well do you know who this is?"

NO

"TTFFT" - bang.

[Pontius Navigator]

We had an ex-Cranditz co on the sqn. He was ultra sensitive and the easiest wind up by a mile. After a particularly cruel week, phone goes "XXX, it the stn cdr for you." "F... Off" he said.

We were not privy to the subsequent interview with the staish.

[BEagle]

Stn Cdr calls were always scope for a jape and it probably amused them, taking them back to the days when they were Fg Offs.

Except one.

At a certain excellent fighter training station in the West Country, one of the Staff Instructors had perfected the art of phone wind-ups. One of his japes was to ring his old squadron Ops desk on the GPTN phone, then quickly call them on the AFTN phone, wait until someone answered and turn the phone handsets so that the microphone of one was against the ear piece of the other....resulting in the distant Ops desk talking to itself on an impossible connection.

But we had more than one GPTN phone on the desk. So one day he called the Stn Cdr's number, let it ring a couple of times, then put the handset down. On another phone he did the same thing to the Stn Cdr's wife. Both are now expecting the phone to ring again; our hero duly obliges, then does his turning handset round trick. The resulting "You rang me"..."No I didn't, YOU rang me!"..."Well, what do you want?"..."I don't want anything, what do YOU want?" argument went on for several minutes, getting more and more unpleasant by the minute. Finally our hero leaned over his handsets and started an evil manic laugh, then cleared both phones down.

Sadly killed in a bona jet some years later, but his humorous antics were an inspiration!

[NickB]

A forecaster I once worked with told me about his first telephone met briefing he was to conduct to a squadron... he was a little nervous and when the time came for him to do his stuff, his intro came out as... "Good ladies, morning & gentlemen" :D

[JW411]

A navigator friend got some NAAFI coffee granules and mixed them with cow gum (charts for the joining of). He smeared the result on the earpiece of his boss's phone. He stood in the ops room until he saw his boss arrive and go upstairs to his office. He gave him a couple of minutes and then rang his number.

"Good morning Sir, GPO here, we're getting reports of clients getting brown sticky ears from our telephones"!

Went down well.

[stickstirrer]

To add to the fund of Ben B@(bow stories: I knew him when he was an instructor at CW in the mid seventies and he was one of the funniest and most mischievous men I knew. We got reacquainted when he turned up at Lossie on Shackletons, (a development of the Lancaster and similar looking from the ground). Having completed the Jag OcU I was in the bar at Bruggen on a Friday evening Happy Hour when in walked Ben with his Nav. I bought him beers several and some time later he asked about the Mohne Dam…I explained the Germans were still rather sensitive about it so we had to avoid the Mohnesee and definitely not below 2000 feet. I dragged a map out from somewhere after he insisted on finding out ‘where he had to avoid’ as they intended doing a little local area flying before transiting back to Lossie, a long slow process in the old bird.
A few days later we heard the story….Ben with crew agreement took off on Monday morning, flew across to the Mohnesee….let down to low level, opened the bomb bay doors and flew the same attack run over the dam that 617 Sqn had tried out in the war…….
On landing at Lossie he was met by the Stn Cdrs car, had a one sided interview( not sure if it ended up at AOC level) and was promptly relieved of captaincy and posted back to RAF Germany as the Flight Safety Officer in RAF HQ. The mayor of the local town had rung up the German Government who had complained to the British Embassy who rang the UK …etc etc etc. I met Ben some months later and heard the full story from him. As this happened in 1978 or 79 some details might be slightly incorrect ( apart from my part in the incident which I remember very clearly!) but what a top bloke . Thanks for all the humour, stories and memories Ben.

[stickstirrer]

In the aircrew crewroom at CFS in 1986. A CFS Flight Lieutenant instructor pilot (John) on the flight who refreshed senior officers going back to flying posts had been airborne in the weather ship. Early takeoff to see what the cloud structure was like to let us send up the right instructional sorties. He bounced into crewroom with Gp Capt student who had gone up just for an extra ride. The crewroom was full of instructors and expectant students waiting to know if we were going flying…As John went behind the kitchen bar to make a brew he asked ‘Coffee mate?” There was a slight pause as the Group Captain gathered himself, rose to his not inconsiderable height and said” I know we practise a more relaxed attitude here but don’t call me ‘mate’!”…..
There was an embarrassed silence for a second until John replied” No I’m sorry sir, the milk hasn’t been delivered yet, is Coffee Mate ok?”( Milk substitute used in coffee)
The colour of the GP Captain’s cheeks and the uncontrolled guffaws from the assembled troops were a sight to behold .

[Union Jack]

Lazarus lives! Delighted to see the resuscitation of this priceless thread, which is warmly commended to anyone who has not previously come across it. VMT Stickstirrer.:ok:

Jack

[Pontius Navigator]

Day 1, Nav Refresher training, 1966, instructor advises first name terms, gives his then asks for ours - Tom, Dick, Harry, then to an ex kipper fleet wg cdr, Sir?

"Yes, Sir is just fine"

Later, in kipper fleet tradition, as a senior officer, and nav to boot, he insisted that he be captain and log it as such despite only being a student of refresher. Oh he was a Wild man :)

[NutLoose]

Sitting round in the crewroom totally bored and discussing women and sex etc like you do, one of the guys chirps up "I just cannot understand why women swallow it, it must be as salty as heck" followed by a guy in the corner replying, "no, it's quite sweet".... all heads turn and stare at him, then burst out laughing. He never did live that down.

[Ninthace]

Asking my Divisional Officer what he wanted to be if he grew up.

[Mogwi]

On being asked whether the cloudbase was fit for a display, after a B1 had nearly crashed doing a flat show at NAS South Weymouth several decades ago:

”Not sure really, I’ll get airborne and give it a go.”

Found out later that the freq was being broadcast live over the PA! It was OK in the end and I was credited with saving the air show, given the VIP suite (with free beer) and the Exec’s baseball cap - still got it!

Mog

[SASless]

When asked by a 1st AirCav Logistics guy if I would haul three sling loads for him as his assigned aircraft. had gone home due to the bad weather.....and after examining his loads to be as described....Ammo, Food and Water, and medical supplies....I accepted.

Anything to show up the Cav!

Wound up with a very interesting afternoon that saw me sat in a cockpit fire after bing hit by a .51 Cal....and earning a free trip home via the Burn Hospital in.Camp Zama in Japan.

I could have quite happily missed all that fun and games had I just done as Ma Reagan suggested many years later.....by just saying "No!".

[NutLoose]

It’s my round, just as the other half of the trade desk guys walk through the door.

[SASless]

Oh he of the very short arms and the very deep pockets!:uhoh:

Were you known as "T-Rex" in those days?

[Big Pistons Forever]

Me a youngish Cdr just appointed in command of a coastal forces small ship group. Barely a week in one of the ships fails it’s sea readiness inspection. The problem was the Chief Engineer who was professionally very knowledgeable but brutally bad as a leader.

So I go find the group technical officer to discuss what we are going to do with the CEng. Exasperated I ask what Fu*king moron recommended this guy for his Chief Engineer board. Just a sec he replied and pulls his file. He doesn’t try to hide his smirk as he points to the bottom of the form were LCdr BPF’s signature is clearly visible……

[stickstirrer]

Early 80s, West German British SSFJ base. To scare the opposition we practised Night Route Charlie sorties, in the dark, ending up with a FRA on Nordhorn range dropping free fall 28lb smoke and flash bomb to simulate a rather larger (!) weapon. On returning to the scruffs bar which was now under the O Mess I was offered a beer by a very experienced and laconic pilot from another Sqn who had landed earlier. On the end of the bar was a simulator instructor, grizzled and very experienced. Asking how his flight had gone the pilot stated not well… he had to see the Stn Cdr in the morning for a hats on interview. It later transpired that this pilot had not properly cross checked his TACAN information for the notoriously unreliable Inertial Navigation system in the Jag , let down from above cloud and flew the last part of the range run over pitch black heathland. Upon seeing the lights on the large target illuminate, then dim then illuminate (as they should) said officer released his bomb and sped away..to be told ‘nothing seen’…………
The German police quickly reported that a nearby factory had been bombed….(The investigation found that the factory had a wiggly glass roof and the caretaker had just switched off all the lights to go home when he remembered something, switched the lights back on again, retrieved his missing item, switched the lights off again and nearly died of shock when a smoke and flash 28 pounder came through the glass roof.)
On hearing of the impending one sided interview, the simulator instructor, until now quite silent, said. “How times change. When I did it they gave me a medal” Animal, if you are still around, Bravo….