I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...

[machonepointone]

A few funnies(?), not necessarily to do with aviation.

Heard somewhere over southern England.

ATC controller to American aircraft. “QNH 1003, descend to 4000 feet.”

American aircraft, “Can I have that in inches please?”

ATC controlle.r “Certainly. QNH 1003. Descend to 48000 inches.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Overheard on the Cranfield approach frequency one busy summer’s day.

“Cranfield, this GABCD following the M1 from Luton to Birmingham.”

Cranfield ATC controller. “GABCD be advised that the M1 does not go to Birmingham.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What’s the difference between a hedgehog and an aeroplane full MPs?

A. The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man enters a restaurant, sits down and studies the menu for a while. Very pretty waitress approaches and asks if he is ready to order. “Yes please,” he says, “I’d like a quickie.” Waitress gets very angry and shouts at him along the lines of “This is not that sort of establishment – What sort of girl do you think I am etc.” Eventually she calms down enough to ask him again what he would like. Once again the man asks for a quickie. At this the waitress storms off to get the manager.

A man at the next table leans over to the embarrassed guy and says “I think you will find that it should be pronounced quiche.”

[Flap62]

machonepointone (in a cessna?)

seperate forum for jokes (poor or otherwise) please.

[machonepointone]

Flap62,

No, not in a Cessna, but in a former life while in the military. Maybe I missed the point of this thread, but the impression I got that it was supposed to be humorous anecdotes/stories/jokes etc. Admittedly they should be about aviation matters, but a look though the entire thread will reveal many instances of submissions that have no bearing or relevance to aviation matters. Whether or not a joke is funny/not funny/in poor taste/out of place/irrelevant etc is surely up to the opinion of whoever reads it. While I can respect your view that my offerings may or may not be humorous, may I suggest that we leave it up to the moderators to decide what is or is not admissable. May I also suggest that we do not drag a great thread down by entering a slanging match. I will be more than happy to receive any PMs you may wish to send me.

Regards

M1.1

[6Z3]

M1.1

Try the other side of the bed tomorrow morning, and perhaps an hour later:ok:

[Solid Rust Twotter]

Walter? Is that you?

[mukit]

Here we go again!!

[AR1]

An air show, at a Station with no runway, just off the M5, whose mascot was a donkey off the beach, who held a higher rank at the time than I did. (But i'm not bitter)

A course of further trainees was on crowd control, and at the allotted time would swap with another course who were on standby as crash guard.

Making our way back for changeover , when the AutoGyro clatters into view.
"that looks dodgy" came a chorus of views from the gathered airmen. Autogyro comes past doing the 'hands off' routine - more comments about the airworthiness of Autogyros.
"Not at all" I interject. And proceed with my best explanation of the techniques of autogyrofication, and ending with "so you see, they cant really crash" - I wish I hadn't said that.

We'd just got through the doors of the rest room when the crash alarm went off. Tannoyed as "Autogyro 1POB grid ref xxxx"
So we legs it out, but the guy has come down between us and the M5, and theres a 12 ft fence and no crash gate and no wire cutters, anyway, we eventually got over, the whole thing looking like an excerpt from the keystone cops, to find 100m scar in the rising grassy medow.
Thankfully pilot was stood next to a rather sorry AutoG, with a sore back but other than that he was fine.

[Ghostflyer]

Early 90s doing an 'Eldersomething' Exercise popped out of low-level in Scotland and zinged up to high 30s. Listening to guard we heard an F-15 in the Wash.

Eagle 2 - 'Eagle Two, Mayday Mayday MAyday, right engine just failed'

Me to AD in the back 'What's wrong with the wank3r, he's got another engine'

Eagle 2 - 'Eagle Two, left engines failed'

Me - 'Oops, wish I hadn't said that.'

Said F-15 mate ejects and his leader sets up a res cap and gains useful info: 'Hey Bill, is it cold?'

Land back at Leeming at which point an ashen faced Coningsby crew walk in. I asked them what happened and Nav describes scene.

'We were in the Wash and spotted a couple of F-15s in Battle. Took a Fox One and the right hand F-15 pilot ejected and the jet rolled up side down and crashed.'

[Wader2]

Would that of been a chap by the surname of Lovett..?

Is this your offer for "I wish I hadn't said that?

[charliegolf]

Wader, do you wish you hadn't said that?:)

[snoopy1107]

After having a few beers in the Mess Bar (a Mess which I had never been to before) I decided it was time for a pee break, so I head down the corridor, locate the toilet and do the business. Relieved and ready to go I then head back on the way to which I thought was the bar where an older lady was standing, the jist of the conversation goes:

ME: Good Evening Madam, how are you?
LADY: I am very well, thank you
(I then open the door)
ME: Would you like to come in?
LADY: Definitely not **looking very cross***
ME: You really should, I promise you’ll have a great time.
LADY: NO I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO ***storms off looking very very angry***
ME: (in my head) whats her :mad: problem

To which I turn around and the door I have opened is a bedroom, oh bollock$

Snoopy ;)

[6Z3]

Having regrettably answered a letter pinned to the Wardroom notice board from a young lady seeking to partner any young unattached officer to the forthcoming ARK ROYAL de-commissioning ball, I described myself - not altogether honestly, it being a post-Happy Hour letter - as a tall, dark, handsome, rugged Phantom pilot with a GSOH, and indicating that I may be interested, if she would kindly send a photo of herself.
.
She wrote back, indicating that she too was tall, was the daughter of an Army Major, enjoyed outdoor pursuits, had a GSOH; and she enclosed a 'Country Life' debutant-esque studio photograph complete with dramatic backdrop, hacking jacket, plus fours, carnaby cap, and with pedigree dalmation, which she titled "Me and my Dog".
.
Writing back what I hoped would be taken as a humorous rejection, I asked the ultimate question: "Nice picture, which one's the dog?".
.
After some weeks of the ship's final deployment - we were in Malta at the time - the Commander summons young erk, having received an irate letter from lady's mum asking him whether or not 6Z3 the lad with the GSOH, was escorting her daughter to the ball. He explained to me in single syllable terms that I was!
.
Actually, ignoring the fact that with her hair piled high into a tiara and wearing 4 inch heels she was some 18 inches taller than me, we had quite a good time in the end, but I did have some problems explaining to my then GF why I wasn't taking her!!!

[A2QFI]

6Z3. The difference in height you describe makes it sound as though your nose might if been pleasantly embedded while you were dancing!

[6Z3]

A2QFI, you're absolutely right, 'specially as I was on my knees for most of the night!

[nunquamparatus]

Hmm, some credential showing. Those whom were there for this can testify to my inebriation, however, here goes. Runway 07 (ARK), sometime in 2001/2002, a full-house mess dinner, including RADM Leadbetter (FOMA) and pingers, baggers etc. Very drunk Freddie amongst similarly pi**ed SHAR types. Post scran, Mess President announces "Mr Vice, The Queen". Mr Vice duly pipes up "Ladies (for there were some - not just the baggers) and gentlemen, The Queen". Cue drunken fool - "And her dead Mum". Now dearest QM had just popped her clogs and was patron of said large steamer and Ship's Officers very fond of the old dear (despite the fact she could out-drink any of them). Amongst much giggling from our table I even managed to escape a huge fine for inappropriate behaviour from the Commander (nice bloke - not) - unlike brother Parker (JP) who got fined for easing springs without authority (would they prefer him o p*ss on the floor/deck?) and calmly drank the contents of his 'fine' in front of the Commander - the entire decanter!! A true dit!!
I will let Scapegoat and Deadmeat spin some of the more juicy stories - particularly (Deadmeat) the one about the Midshipman and the £50 bet........

[Shack37]

Mid 60s at an airshow somewhere in Germany and a Mk2 Shack from BK is sitting proudly on static display. Delegated to answer questions from the public are two of the sqns finest, one siggy and a GC snco. All went well for a while but soon all the silly questions posed by Joe Public became too much and something had to snap, conversation between a middle aged German civilian and H, the rad fitt went something like this:

m.a.g "Vot aeroplane is zis, I do not recognise it"?
H (leading m.a.g gently by the hand into the bomb bay) "Try lying down and looking up, it may be more familiar from that angle".

A change of "enquiry answering operatives" took place shortly thereafter.:\s37

[RobinXe]

It's 2006, the end of a happy-hour evening in the bar, at the officers' mess, RAF Lincolnshire. Our hero, by day, a steely-eyed QFI, but by night, like this night, a renowned beer monster. Some of the more senior drinkers in the bar have just taken delivery of the finest Italian cuisine the local area can provide, when our hero decides to steal a slice. This does not go down too well with the striped-up-ones, and the following conversation takes place:

Wg Cdr: I think you've had enough young man.
Hero: I do apologise...(hic)....
Wg Cdr: Its a bit late for apologies, come on, off to bed with you.
Hero: Okay, okay, how about an apology and........(rummages in pockets)......twenty quid?
Wg Cdr (becoming visibly irate): No! Now I suggest you leave!
Hero: ..........thirty quid?

[sitigeltfel]

1 Grp Ops Bawtry, 1970s.

Air 2 (wee Scottish terrier) wanders in to check on the status of his Buccaneers out at Red Flag. Seeing nothing on the board he snaps “where are my Buccaneers?” Anonymous voice from other side of the room replies “same place as always Jock, on the side of your buccin-ead”.


The AOC (PJL) was meticulous in his arrival time for morning prayers and would always press the buzzer on the outer security door at bang on nine o’clock….. to the second. After a few months he appeared to be around seven seconds late some mornings and no one could figure out why he had relaxed his standards. One of the Ops staff mentioned it to his ADC in the bar and was assured that the AOC always checked his watch with TIM, would set off from his office and come down the Met office stairs at the correct moment. After a few weeks somebody twigged, a new watch corporal was setting the ops room clock on the first beep of TIM, not the last. This meant that 1 Grp were always a few seconds ahead of the rest of the RAF (nothing new there then!)

[6Z3]

Cranwell groundschool, S/L Enderby's Nav lesson mid '70s, remember BEags?
.
After a whole lesson of definitions (eg definition of West= direction in which the Earth rotates; East= opposite of West; Kilometre = One 10,000th of the average distance between the Equator and either Pole; etc, etc) the time came for Enderby to check us on our information retention.
.
"OK lads, what is the definition of a Statute Mile......wait for it, wait for it...... Flying Officer Sp**g"
.
Sp**g looks up from his notes and promptly replies:
.
"It's one 256th of the average distance between here and Barrow-in-Furness SIR; it says so here on my 1771".

[6Z3]

Next lesson, Radio Procedures. A whole 45 minutes worth of the difference between "Roger" and "Wilco". One is to the action addressee, one could be to either the action addressee or the info addressee blah, blah :zzz::zzz: for 45 mins.
.
At the end of the lesson Enderby seeks to check us, as usual:
.
"Right then, lads, what IS the difference between Roger and Wilco........wait for it.....wait for it..........Sp**g.
.
Sp**g, quick as a flash responds:
.
"Sir, you can't Wilco a cat"

[BEagle]

And then there was scare-o-dynamics given by S/L Erwood - he of the 'Erwood Wing'.

One day he tells us that old joke about "How do you get 2 elephants in a mini? One in the front, one in the back. How do you get 2 giraffes in? You can't - the elephants have nicked all the seats!" Then his final line "How do you get 2 whales in a Mini?" To which we were supposed to look puzzled, wherupon he would gleefully announce "Down the A46!"

Well, that's what happened when he told Set A. There were so many of us, that we were split into 2 sets. Set A told us the joke, so we were determined to outfox the old so-and-so....

As predicted, he started the joke - we began to titter as he had fallen into our trap. But he thought we were laughing at his joke... When it got to "How do you get 2 whales in a Mini", we all yelled out in unison "NEWARK, LEICESTER, COVENTRY, WORCESTER, HEREFORD - WALES!"

He didn't see the funny side!

Great days though, eh 6Z3?

[BEagle]

And another one.

For some reason, Bikini Amber had been called. As a result, cars were jammed all the way from College Hall to Cranwell village, making it difficult to get down the road to Groundschool (in those days it was on the way to the AeroThermodynamics buildings).

Arrives Griff-the-Met for one of his lectures..

"Have you seen the queue?", he grumbles.

"Actually, I thought it was stratus, sir", responds Pete 'Mr Gumby' J***.....

[Thax]

Circa early 1980's and the FLTCDR on No 14 Sqn RNZAF takes one of his bograts for a bit of 2 v 2 practise in the Mighty BAC167 Strikemaster. Mid-way through the first engagement the FLTCDR momentarily loses SA on his wingman. R/T goes something like this:

FLTCDR: "2 from 1, say your position?"

Bograt: "I'm number three in the daisy chain."

FLTCDR: "What daisy chain?"

Bograt: "The one you're leading!"

Suffice to say, strong debrief followed ...

[Old Ned]

Top thread, not had so much fun for ages. Not read them all, but want to offer this before I forget it, hope it's not here somewhere:

During staff college stint the then comdt (AVM P-E) used to always open his first talk to the eager attendees with the words: "Ladies and gentlemen, as all the brightest and best come through these doors, statistically I could be talking to a future CAS, in that case "Good Morning, Sir"".

Voice from back row, "Thank you, please carry on".

Not a sound from anyone else and AVM P-E (with sense of humour) just carried on, leaving one very relieved young thruster in the back row.

Would love to know if he made it, should almost be there by now!.

[cockanelli]

Bringing some civvie VIPs into Basra in 2003 with aforementioned suited types on headset, our aircraft is held together with bits of bodgetape and string (a Klassic). Hearing about all the failures as the Eng briefs the Capt (again), the civvies begin to look uncomfortble but decide to steel themselves for the journey. Just after rotate the shiny new SA increasing TV-like box that sat in front of the Nav failed.
Nav:"Capt - Nav - We've just had a terminal failure"
Exit civvies down the back looking very scared with the philosophy of What they don't know won't hurt them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Same Op, differnet crew carrying the Commander-in-Chief of the Tri-Service Chaplin Community into Basra. All crew briefed by Capt "no swearing, no FHM Top Trumps, no Girl talk, no chat about last night etc". 2 mins after t/o with His Reverendship on headset, something fails:

Capt:"F**K" - 2 sec break "C**k, I just said F**k" - "Oh Boll***s"

Padre very good bloke. It broke the ice and we had a great trip.

[Magp1e]

A bit purile but here it goes....

2 A10's call for LARS, callsign Willy...After much childish sniggering the female controller asks for their destination to which they reply "Willy en-route Harwarden".

Yes, very silly.

[Two's in]

Or the anecdotal USAF Pave Hawks from Bentwaters some years ago reporting position to East Midland Radar as LOOGAH-BAROOGAH. (Loughborough)

[diginagain]

Sounds similar to a US Army exchange Lynx pilot when asked for his position by Brize Radar, "5 miles east of Gloochest, Glaucast, Glowchest, Staverton"

[PingDit]

Orac - Priceless! Thanks.
:p

[PingDit]

280SU 1974'ish - TACEVAL. I'm on the Ops roof at night looking for the nasty invaders - the SAS in this case.. I spot 2 guys at the perimeter fence, one on the others shoulders, who then leaps into the compound and does a runner. I pick up the field telephone at my end of the roof, only to find it's dead. I then run over to the other side of the roof and pick up the second field telephone handset whilst sitting myself on a bunch of 'sandbags'. The 'sandbags' say to me..."...and that bugger won't work either"... oh the moments when you discover the true colour of adrenaline!
:uhoh:

[PingDit]

Venue - Ascension Island - Nimrod crew during Falklands campaign.
Previous night, we'd invited our first nav into the 'knockers' accomodation to play some shoot pontoon. After around 2 hours, he had no money left. Following night, he sends round the young second nav (Fg Off - now a 2*). Took him for everything his wallet contained.
Next morning, crew walking out to the jet:
1st Nav: "Gentlemen....I'd just like to congratulate you....
Us: "Sir?....."
1st Nav: " Yesterday I sent you a young boy and today you sent me back a broken man. Very well done!"

[BentStick]

F-111 techo in the flight line office chipped about his expanding waistline heard to reply "Not my fault, it's the crap food we get fed on all these deployments. Every time I go away I come back fatter".

New nickname - "backfatter".

[Dundiggin']

Way back in the Empirical days of long unaccompanied tours in the Indian Army, a General and his loyal and long time Cpl batman (Jones) were demobbed following the disbandment of the Indian Army.

Both returned to Blighty and went their separate ways. Whilst the General retired happily with his wife, Cpl Jones was having a hard time finding a job.

One Saturday morning ex-Cpl Jones was out shopping in the village and to his great surprise he spotted the ex-General walking towards him on the footpath.

'Hello Sir!' The General looked up. 'Hello Jones fancy seeing you again. How are you?' 'Pretty bad Sir, I can't find a job and I'm broke' said Jones.
The General thought and said 'You know Jones I've really missed you after all those years together in India. How would you like a job as my batman here in England? I'll pay you a good rate and I'd want exactly the same service you gave me in India. I should like it if you could start first thing tomorrow with morning tea. How about it Jones?'. Well! Jones was beside himself with joy. 'Certainly Sir, thank you Sir. I'll see you tomorrow then'.

The following morning Jones went excitedly to the General's house, same procedure as in India. Made him a cup of tea, placed the newspaper and biscuits on a tray and took them upstairs to the General's bedroom. He entered the bedroom, noticed the General as usual was accompanied in bed. Jones pulled back the curtains and said 'Good morning General, it's a lovely morning, the sun's shining the birds are singing and here is your cup of tea'. 'Thank you Jones' said the sleepy General.

With that Jones went round the other side of the bed, pulled back the bedclothes from the General's wife, turned her over onto her stomach, slapped her backside and said 'Come on dear, back to the village!'. :O

[BentStick]

RAAF Base in NW Australia, air defence exercise with F-111s running as rent-a-threat. Pig crew settling into cockpit after walk around, very experienced USAF driver, shiny new Aussie Nav. Driver takes out 45 and places it on the glare shield explaining, “this is for boggies who get me lost. Nav quietly draws own plastic 9mm and places it beside pilot’s cannon explaining, “frankly sir, I’ll know I’m lost before you will”

[ILoadMyself]

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[BrianN1]

Is it possible that the inexhausted supply of stories has dried up? I have been checking this thread regularly and there has been nothing new since July and here we are in almost September. The McDonnell Douglas customer satisfaction survey is hard to follow, though.

However, at the risk of all manner of accusations of political incorrectness....

Another one from the airfield near the Meile factory in Germany:
Late at night in January many moons ago, cloud base 1500 feet, solid above, vis not so good below.
A/c, "G****h Zone dis a I****. I about-a-fif-a-teen miles a-north-a-east eading a-east at a thousand-a-five undred-a-feet. Request-a da eading for a-Bielefeld".
Zone Controller (well known for his perfectly enunciated R/T English), "Roger I****". Nothing else in the sky at that time but Zone acutely aware of ridge of hills to the north east and solitary slow-moving blip heading straight for them, "I****, for identification turn right thirty degrees" (No SSR in those days. Does anyone remember the AR1?).
A/c, "G****, my a English a-not so good.. Say again".
Zone, as blip which must be the aircraft continues heading east, straight for the ridge, "I****, I believe I have you identified, to confirm identification and to avoid high ground turn right thirty degrees".
Aircraft continuing resoloutly towards the high ground, "Er, G****h, say again".
Zone, abandoning perfectly enunciated R/T English, doing a Fawlty Towers, 'Manuel' impersonation, "A-I****, dis a-G**** Zone. Turn a-right a-eading a-one-a-three-a-zero!"
A/c immediately replies, "Okay G*** Zone. I turn a-right a-eading a-one-a-three-a-zero!"
Potential catastrophy averted.

[Safeware]

Leuchars, mid 90s, Nasty Nige is the Staish.

Waiting for morning brief in the COC, with a number of JOs standing in for their boss, including me and OC SCAF (Sue). Sue is sitting on a metal framed chair, gently rocking back and forward. I decided to inform her of a bit of trivia that my sister, a Psychie nurse, told me.

"Sue, did you you know that rocking is the most basic form of masturbation?" At this point a) Sue disolves in a fit of giggles and b) Nasty Nige enters the room, spies Sue and frowns, somewhat unimpressed at the JOs in the back row.

sw

[Airborne Aircrew]

Not me, but a good friend back then, (1980ish), we called Badger...

We've been out on the razz in Gut and have left the Gasthaus and are waiting at the Schnellie... In front of us in the queue is a very large, very hairy bearded gent and his lady friend... The lady was quite nice but the guy was sufficiently large that I'm sure the two of us would not have faired well against him. After waiting for what seemed like forever Badger pipes up:-

Jeezus F$cking Christ... Still three more ahead before this porkie f$cking hippy b@stard... I thought these f$cking krauts were supposed to be efficient...

Large hairy gentleman turned around and in a beautiful London accent says:-

I was even bigger before... Caaant...

As much as I wanted to laugh my ass off I daren't in case he though I was laughing at him... :sad:

[bowly]

A late entry from Moggiee, circa 2007:

"Is it just me or are some of the condolences threads on this forum turning into "cheesiest post" contests? "

[dwhcomputers]

At Gut on exercise from UK in the 80s in charge of MT receive a thorough briefing before leaving from SENGO on who may keep their L/R out overnight after previous problems on last years detachment. First two nights fail to find one particular Rover but always there the next day but everybody denying knowledge on who is using it. Third night find it at gone midnight with warm engine behind officers mess. Obviously I have the spare keys and we return it back to MT Park at far side of airfield. Decide to have a late start next morning and on arriving at section informed that S/Ldr ????? the exercise author has blown his top and wishes to see me in Ops as soon as I arrive. After having a mug of tea stroll down to Ops to find several of the junior pilots crease up with laughter when they see me arrive. It seems that S/Ldr ????? is not the most popular pilot on the Sqn and had come running out of the mess at 07.25 for the 07:30 brief to find no L/R consequently arrives at briefing 20 mins late and everybody sat there waiting for him. After an exchange of views with said S/Ldr return to section. Later that day we receive a request to collect said S/Ldr from another airfield it seems that afternoon whilst on a flight a rather large bird decides to commit suicide by attacking his canopy with the result that a large portion of MDC becomes a necklace and he has to make an emergency landing.
At the end of the exercise p***-up in one of the HAS having a chat with SENGO (who by the way was a brilliant chap) talking about the original problem I say those fatal words VODOO PINS DO WORK THEN not knowing that directly behind me stood S/Ldr ?????. End result a hat on interview with OC Eng on return to UK.

[dagenham]

:eek:civvy life example, in a presentation on a crisis manamgent to senior managment....finished presentation. Top guy asks great presentation dagenham seen you have covered all angles etc. is there anything we could do to beat the situation or save money....

Was a little bit pissed off as situation was his making and replied that I could insert brooms up everyone's A*ses so that as they ran around they could sweep the floor as well and we could sack the cleaners....

cue quiet room and phone call for taxi....

Luckily saw the funny side

[Fareastdriver]

It's an old one, but:
There was this ancient SATCO who lived in the Officer’s Mess. It was a quiet night and he was alone in the bar reminiscing on his fiftieth birthday when his gorgeous Fg Off local controller came in. They had a few drinks and chatted away and he felt quite flattered that she was paying him so much attention. Eventually they had had enough and being a gentleman he escorted her back to her room. Half way there she asked him to take her to his room as she had a big surprise for him. He couldn’t believe his luck, he knew that all the jet jocks had tried to get across her and had all failed miserably.
Being a senior officer he had a suite and when they went into the sitting room she told him to wait while she got ready in the bedroom and in she went. Almost beside himself he decided to get ready for action and stripped himself down to his shreddies.
The bedroom door cracked and she cooed that she was ready and he charged in. There was the whole of Air Traffic standing around a birthday cake singing.
“Happy Birthday to You.”
OK. get coat, Taxi?

[AR1]

Does anyone remember the AR1?

strangely enough....YES!;)

[RudolphHucker]

Aircrew Training - Finningley circa 1977

Comms exercise with staff doing their usual -put the studes under pressure routine. Authentication tables were not available that day so we were told to just make it up as we went along.

One particular stude who was feeling the heat..........

Authenticate.....em......Indigo Lilo :ugh:

Swiched on instructor.....

I Authenticate .... Oswat :ok:

Entire course collapsed in fits of laughter

[Master Mariner]

Almost wet myself a few weeks back receiving a dull email from our very dull Sahkalin (Russia) Office, which went something like this

''Blaah Blaah Blahhh Blaaah Blaaah
Kind Regards
Nastia Legkova''

Class name....kept a bunch of very bored sailors in stitches for a good 1/2 hour:) I bet she wishes she doesn't have to telephone 'Brit Seamen' very often........

[BrianN1]

Both apocraphal (is that how you spell it?) but alledgedly there was the USAF Ops guy from Bentwaters callled Hugh Janus and he had an opposite number at Mildenhall called Richard Scratcher.

[Spam_UK]

I knew a Christopher Peter Bacon.... Chris P Bacon. Parents must have hated him!

[Master Mariner]

Before I went all merchant, I used to be a mighty Midshipman be in one of the URNU's....(University Royal Navy Unit) based somewhere in the North West. The idea being that us said students would be the 'movers and shakers' of society further down the road and a fair few would join the RN (as well as enjoying cheap pi%%)

The CO and ship's company of our mighty 20 metre plastic ''warship'' were regular RN and the Students were Hon Mids in the RNR. The Boss was a 2 1/2 trying to make a name for himself and quite obnoxious...lets call him Lt Cdr Jockstrap.

On one of our annual ''deployments'' around the Western Isles of Scotland (the mission being to visit as many pubs as possible in 10 days).
Alongside at the Kyles of Lochalsh, one of our illustrious number steps on a (not very robust) fuel line and cracks it while doing rounds at night. Unfortunately said Mid doesn't notice the tide of diesel flooding the bilge overnight.

Next morning MEO notices that there is bugger all fuel in the tanks and then looks down at the black lake in the engine room.......oooops.

Fuel pipe was Kaput so MEO phones Rosyth Navy base for a new pipe to be made. ''No probs we will send it in an hour or two.''

We wait and wait and eventually 13 hours later the CO phones Rosyth again....to be told ''yes sir delivered that part 6 hours ago personally''.

CO was slightly confused.....

Amplification required...
BOSS: 'so where exactly did you deliver the pipe to?'
Sailor: 'To your ship Sir'
Boss: 'Aha and where was the ship on the jetty?'
Sailor: 'Well Sir it was the big grey one on the end...(duuuuhhhh)'
Boss: That wouldnt have been a Saudi Minehunter by any chance would it?
Sailor: 'Dunno Sir....it was grey - delivered the part to a sailor on the gangway and drove home. Why...some kind of problem?'

Turns out the tide was out (7m rise and fall) and this intrepid sailor couldnt see our 'ship' as the mast was only at jetty level. He saw the big Saudi boat and gave the part to them. They said ....eerrrgg thanks and promptly sailed.......

They probably still have the part and wonder what the hell it was for:)

One very peeed off boss who misses his golf tournament.....hohohoho

[ACW599]

>I knew a Christopher Peter Bacon.... Chris P Bacon. Parents must have hated him!<

I briefly worked with a statuesque lady whose name was Ophelia Titty.

[teeteringhead]

Knew an Army pilot once called Sean Lambe.......

[Union Jack]

A member of one of my golfing societies is Chris Peacock!

Jack

[Fitter2]

Does anyone remember the Flt Lt Nav, name of Dmitri Victorovitch Zotov. (New Zealander, but Russian ancestry).

Posted to Boscombe on the Nimrod AEW project, where he lowered his already marginal popularity by insisting it could never work (nobody likes a smarta**e).

Appointed to be Station Security Officer by Winco Admin with sense of humour so he could introduce 'Dimitri Zotov, our Security Officer' to visiting yanks; joke fell rather flat because they all had names like that..........

[Airborne Aircrew]

The eighth child in the family on the corner when I was growing up was names Gordon... I have no idea what was going through Mr. Bennett's mind when his wife told him she was pregnant.

Several years ago I came across a man from the far east whose last name was Penis... He was studying in the USA.

[621andy]

Had a talk at school about sexually transmitted diseases...by a bloke called Vernon Dunn:}.

[chiglet]

Alors, ze Frogs have a saying....If you are smiling...
You have "'A penis"















........Happiness...in a French Accent

watp,iktch

[tmmorris]

Ran into a chap called Tim Dossor recently.

(Try Spoonerizing that if you haven't worked it out...)

Tim

[stevef]

There was a corporal at a (now-closed) Wiltshire base in the early seventies called Syph. It's pronounced Sife, he'd say indignantly.

[Airborne Aircrew]

My father knew a gentleman who absolutely insisted that his name was pronounced Siddeybottaam

He was named Sidebottom.

[Airborne Aircrew]

Scene:

II Sqn RAF Regiment on detachment in Cyprus. Out on Acamus range doing Demolitions 101 taught by 2IC II, (Flt Lt Mor****). He keeps repeating one of the golden rules:-

Never run away from your fused charge once it is initiated.

We are then issued 2oz PE4, a detonator and 2 minutes, (+ or - a bit), of safety fuse. The plan is that we manufacture the "weapon", light it at a central spot with 2IC II doing the lighting, place it under various rocks etc. of our choosing and retire to the designated gully and take cover.

Note: The long safety matches used to light the safety fuse can be a little "temperamental" in that they may not strike first or some number of subsequent times. Also, safety fuse itself doesn't simply ignite on command and sometimes takes a little coaxing.

So, we've all manufactured our "weapons" and are lined up waiting for "a light". Match lit and away we go. I get lit and, like everyone else, bury my "weapon" under 20+ pounds of the local rock. Time keeps moving on, fuse won't light and multiple matches that won't go first time mean that the two minutes is ticking off rapidly.

By the time all the fuses are lit and buried and 2IC II has retrieved his briefcase, (don't ask - no-one knows except him), all 30 rocks are hidden in the gully and he still has 150 yards to cover to get to said gully.

To give him his credit 2IC II was very cool, calm and collected until the first charge went off... at which point his pace picked up... With each explosion he got faster until, when he was about 50 yards from the gully, a piece of rock weighing about 10 pounds literally whistled past his head he broke into a run with debris falling all around him... Cue the chorus of 30 Rocks:-

"Sir, Don't RUN" :E:E:E

[clicker]

...I Authenticate .... Oswat

I had just trained a new police comms operator and she did her first vehicle circulation.

"Attention drawn to a ford escort A-alpha B-bravo C-charlie one two three Y-Wankey"

[Bullethead]

Many years ago, while a member of the RAAF, I was flying a B707 into Canberra early one evening, just on sunset in fact. On the observers seat right behind me was Mrs Hazel Hawke, the then PMs wife, who had asked for a flight deck seat for the arrival into Canberra. It was the time of day when the airfield lights were in the process of being switched on and the only ones actually on were the VASIS, it was twilight so there was no rush.
Anyhow I leaned across to my FO mate and dropped this one,
"You'd think the c*nts would turn the fekcing lights on wouldn't you?" :eek:
Doh!!!
Both the big ones in front of the PMs wife. Oh Oh.
I asked the FO, on intercom, if he heard what I'd said and whether there was any visible reaction. He said yes he did and no there wasn't.
I thought the best thing to do was apologise, so I turned around in my seat and said,
"I'm very sorry Mrs Hawke, it just slipped out and it won't happen again"
She looked at me and smiled while she gave me a pat on the shoulder and then said,
"Don't worry laddie, I've heard it all before"
What a great lady, on a subsequent trip we shouted each other drinks for half the night in a bar in Dubrovnik.

[teeteringhead]

What a great lady, on a subsequent trip we shouted each other drinks for half the night in a bar in Dubrovnik. ... what makes me think no-one would ever say that about our very own Mrs Blair/Ms Booth.......

[Union Jack]

Be fair Teet - maybe the "Wicked Witch" has never been to Dubrovnik! :):)

Jack

[KiloB]

It’s a bright, clear, early morning on a ‘Forward Airfield’. A small group of (freshly minted) T/A Troops who have just finished a stint as the Perimeter Guard ambles past an Alouette being readied for departure; on their way to the breakfast tent.
A cheery voice calls them “Can you give us a hand; we’ve got a problem with the battery.” They quickly respond and after a few minutes of “Push here; no don’t f****** push there” things are sorted out and we start to trundle along the taxiway. But today’s load is heavy and small low-pressure tyres are hard to push; so even the fittest of the helpers are quickly starting to tire. Just as they really start to puff (and the speed to drop off) a quick stab at the brakes dips the nose and a simultaneous flick of switches produces a well known (and for the assistors, very welcome) WOOOOOO from the Jet-pipe.

A few minutes later the troops are regaling their mates in the mess-tent with the story about how they push-started a chopper, while the A/C in question is disappearing over the skyline; rocking slightly, as if being controlled with some difficulty.

[MightyGem]

Alouette? Brakes? must be a 3 then. Didn't think we ever had 3s. :hmm:

[teeteringhead]

Did the bump start trick with the Mighty Wessex at Gough Barracks (Red 01) once....

...... but then I also once did a genuine jump lead start from a 4-tonner - when someone told me it had 24v electrics! :ok:

[Thud_and_Blunder]

MightyGem,

Didn't think we ever had 3s.Take a look at his location, then all will be clear. PPRuNe isn't exclusively UK, ya know!

[RETDPI]

Reminds me of the Aussie military graduation parade years ago when fathers of graduates were allowed to wear medals. One incumbent proudly wore his .
A long row of WW2 campaign medals in Europe....... topped by the Knights Iron Cross with Diamonds etc.

[MightyGem]

Oooppps :O

[5206]

Mighty Gem,

Why Oops? I'm sure that, as an old soldier he was as brave and proud as those on the other side, he just happens to have been on the losing side.

5206

[Airborne Aircrew]

Why Oops?

He said:-

A long row of WW2 campaign medals in Europe....... topped by the Knights Iron Cross with Diamonds etc.

I believe he means that a single man had a long row of campaign medals and an Iron Cross...

[stevef]

There was an ex-Luftwaffe member of the Exmouth RAFA club twenty-five or so years back. Great sense of humour.

[Airborne Aircrew]

There was an ex-Luftwaffe member of the Exmouth RAFA club twenty-five or so years back.

See... That's the utter class of British servicemen... Drink with the enemy, fight the enemy, drink with them again... :ok:

[Union Jack]

Reminds me of being present when a Captain RN, who was a former SSN CO, met a fairly elderly FGN Captain at Kiel in the 1980s, and comment on the fact that the Herr Kapitan had no medal ribbons.

The Herr Kapitan was quiet for a few moments and, on being asked why he had made no response, replied that he had been quickly counting the number of U-boats he had served in, or commanded, prior to VE-Day. He must have been very fortunate indeed since the answer was six and, no, the Captain RN asked no more questhtions.:uhoh:

On a more prosaic level, I believe I am correct in saying that serving personnel in the FGR forces were banned from wearing medals or campaign stars awarded by the Nazis.

Jack

[RETDPI]

There was a lovely morning brief at C.........by in the mid 70's one Sep 15.
Station Commander went into a monologue about the BoB along the lines of dastardly enemy, forces of evil, vile opponents greatly outnumbering glorious few ....triumph of British spirit etc. etc.
As we trooped out the GAF exchange pilot ( HZ) called across to the GAF rear seater (RJ)

" Makes you wonder how we bloody lost doesn't it"

[Gainesy]

I think Mighty Gem was refering to post 816 and his subsequent query of it.:)
In the BoB 50th Anniversary Flypast practice, there was a brief snatch (no sniggering at the back) of "Wir faren gegen Engerland" on the run in. The Luftwaffe exchange mate swore it wasn't him.:suspect:

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Totty: 'My best friend wants to come to the Summer Ball, can you set up a blind date for her?'

Moi: 'No problem, I'll set up *****, he'll shag anything'

[Stretch182]

The Scene - 25m Barrack Range RAF Stn on Welsh Island. I'm Range Conducting Officer for several details of ATC Cdts on their Summer Camp - v wet day and firing the jam-prone cdt version of the SA-80, which some numpty had left just under where the rain runs off the firing point shelter....

Standing at the firing point and noticing that some of the cadets were struggling (and not having registered that a young female instructor was with us on the range)

"Is anyone experiencing any stiffness with their weapons?"

3 safety supervisors promptly double up, and I still get stick for it to this day....

[pendrifter]

After many sessions, I've read the lot! I'm not military but keen on aviation etc. What a great collection - many thanks. Found a few of the abbreviations a mystery, but got the gist of most of it.
Hopefully more will appear, and I won't need to spend days reading to catch up!

[philrigger]

;)
There was an ex-Luftwaffe member of the Exmouth RAFA club twenty-five or so years back.



At my previous local we had a German fellow called Walter who had served in the Luftwaffe in WWII. He would join us ex Service types in the corner of the bar on a Friday evening. He insisted that he only came over on a day trip in 1942 and never went back.



'We knew how to whinge but we kept it in the NAAFI bar.'

[Captain Gadget]

RAF Abingdon, 1983 (I think), during a station exercise...

Young airwoman pipes up on the station tannoy: 'Exercise, exercise, exercise! An IUD has been discovered in the Bulk Fuel Installation!

Her credibility probably never recovered, poor girl...

Gadget :ok:

[Lord_Flashheart]

Not a personal experience - but I think this youtube fits the bill.....

Sir I can't reach the map... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Gix8L3fcBc)


:}

[luffers79]

Slight modification of title of thread.

I wish HE hadn´t said that !!

R.A.F. Odiham, Mid August, 1954.

I was on an exercise, flying a Meteor F.R.9. which had just been refuelled. I was not based at Odiham & was waiting for the Form 700 to be signed by a WRAF airwoman refueller. She was not exactly looking her best wearing drab overalls, but I´m sure she was a nice person.
Behind us, overseeing events, stood a young, smooth mustachioed Squadron Leader, (i/c Station Flight ?).
Sqdn. Ldr:-
" Aircraftwoman (?Robinson?) - If you can´t grow a better moustache than that, you had better shave it off !!"
ACW:- "Yes Sir".

[Educated Armourer]

I wish I hadn't done that....

My first posting after training was to Stafford in 1981 - and my first boss was Chief Tech Ken Savage. He used to discuss his first posting on Lincolns. I was in the Gun Bay and every 6 weeks or so we used to take a batch of renovated Aden Guns to Cold Meece to test fire them. It was a good day out - and on the way back we would have lunch in the pub, before returning to base to clean the guns and leave early for the weekend.

As well as the guns and ammo we used to take an urn of sugared and an urn of un-sugared tea. On one early occasion some individual poured me a cup of the sugared variety. I hate sweet tea and as we weren’t shooting at that time I opened the back door to the shooting box and threw my tea away. As I reached the point of no return I realised that Ken was having a p*55 against the wall and I soaked him from head to toe in hot sticky tea.

Possibly not the best way for the new lad to make an impression with the boss. We exchanged Christmas cards for many years until I lost touch in the 90s, what a gent.

[denis555]

A story my old man told me that he swears is true from his National Service days.

Having been ‘asked’ to paint a tiddly picket fence around the flagpole in best white gloss, the evening light begins to fade and our two heroes are looking forward to finishing off and getting some rest, when, one of then knocks paint tin over, at least ½ pint of dulux’s finest spreads across parade ground.

Nightmare – four hours of scrubbing and peeling off paint with turps? Sod that - quick as a flash other one grabs paintbrush and forms paint puddle into a perfect circle so it looks like it should be there.

Nobody notices and 25 years later, on visiting the station for an open day, it is noticed that the circle is still there – having been repainted over and over and over again!

[Krystal n chips]

Waddington....very recently. Asked to assist some very nice and very clever people from L'borough who wanted some scrap items, valves and suchlike for their test rigs. They duly arrive with pristine tool kit, get a very quick " intro to engineering" course and are let loose under a discreet eye on the a/c. Watched with bemused interest as the "how many scientists does it take" etc is played out for real...three to remove one bolt...one watching... in this case....but all ends in success.

Start a de brief chat along the lines of "engineering is easy, any fool can do it" as a light hearted intro....and get an interesting and serious reply along the lines of "we don't design aircraft for access do we"....yours truly duly concurs here..."with some feeling " ....and your man duly says "I / we have really learnt a lot today"....which was a very positive outcome I feel...however... I then proceed to comment along the lines of they have, but it will take another 50 yrs before the :mad:etc, etc in senior management do so...offer further opinions of senior "management " to support past views etc.

Little voice from the team in front of me...."Actually, I am senior management".....

All ended happily though....fascinating guys doing some equally fascinating work which may ultimately benefit a lot of people on here... both air and ground

[Exnomad]

At No 2 BFTS at Burnaston early 50s, now the Toyota factory, we beginners on Chipmunks shared civilian batmen. Ours was in trouble, we asked him why. Apparently the SWO had reproached him for not addressing him correctly and and said "what is your name. He had replied "cohen" , cohen what said the SWO, cohen get fcuked said he.

[Ogre]

I've tried to read everything to date but almost wet myself half way through, so if this has been on before you have my apologies. I was in the vicinity at the time but not actually present, so I hope I got it right.

Once upon a time, the kipper fleet got a navigator of the female persuasion. She was the routine Nav for one sortie, and the crew were setting up before the flight when they got an intercomm snag. Duty fairy was called for, and after a bit of investigation deduced that the fault was probably a circuit breaker popped on the main intercom junction box, which is located under the routine Navs desk. Said fairy then fought his way passed the rest of the crew until he got to the rountine Navs desk, and in a hassled voice said "Excuse me Ma'am, I just need to get between your legs....."

P.S. on another subject, when I worked for a certain British defence contractor, I used to know a bloke who said his one claim to fame was having a father who was a Battle of Britain ace. Anyone who hadn't heard the story would ask for more information, to which he would spin a yarn or two before admitting his dad had been in the Luftwaffe!

[BANANASBANANAS]

Apologies if this one has been told before - I heard it on Capital Radio in London. The presenter (Mike Osmond?) was an ex RN Stoker and he was relating how he came in to work early one morning, still dark, cold and very wet outside. There, outside the capital radio building, crashed out on a sheet of corrugated cardboard for a bed was a one armed beggar, obviously in dire need of a bath and some clean clothes. Next to him was a sign that read, 'Please spare some change for an old soldier who lost an arm in the South Atlantic in 1982.'

Well, feeling sorry for this hero of the South Atlantic, our presenter fishes out a brand new 20 pound note and puts it into the little begging bowl at the side of our down and out hero - who then grabs it very quickly and announces "Muchos gracias Senor.":ok:

[Jetex Jim]

I used to know a bloke who said his one claim to fame was having a father who was a Battle of Britain ace. Anyone who hadn't heard the story would ask for more information, to which he would spin a yarn or two before admitting his dad had been in the Luftwaffe!


This may be the same story, only slightly embellished:

A BBC documentary team at a certain Scottish base, many years ago,
- listening to voice tapes of intercepts. This guy spots the target at two miles range, dead ahead. Calls “Tally Ho”

- BBC lady, in rather snooty voice, says, “Why do these people talk as though they were in the Battle of Britain.”

Escorting officer says, “Because some of them were, allow me to introduce you to Major Winter, on exchange from the Luftwaffe.”

[Seymour Belvoir]

Sgt's Mess bar, RAF Kinloss, 1988. Several young sgt aircrew having a beer at happy hour are joined by a hairy old Chief Tech. At about six pm, two old dears, probably WO's wives, arrive in the bar, order G+Ts and start playing the friut machine.

Young sgts and CT continue consuming ale and the language starts to get a bit fruity which draws disaproving looks and lots of 'tutting' from the two old dears.

More beers, more language, more 'tutting'.

On the stroke of 7 pm, the barman wanders over to the group of aircrew and says, 'sorry lads, no uniforms in the bar after 7, you'll have to go to the Scuffs' No problem, the lads start to exit the bar, but on the way out, the hairy old CT mooches over to the two old dears and says,

'Sorry about the language ladies, but you know what these f**kin' aircrew are like!'

[Mick Strigg]

General (stood in front of paper shredder): "Do you know how this damn thing works lad?"

Corporal: "Yes Sir, let me do it for you. You just slide the paper into the slot like this."

General: "Thank you, just the one copy will do!"

[Biggles225]

On a fairly well known Welsh island when whirlwinds were king, a certain Scots flight lieutenant recently arrived from Oman and the SH force was heard to say "This angel of mercy cr*p gets right up my sh:mad:er!"

Until recently it was in one of the old line books!

[GPMG]

It's probably an urban myth.

First Drill whilst jabbing a Mne Rct in the chest with his pace stick: "There's a c**t on the end of this stick isn't there Rct Dawson"

The soon to be dead Rct Dawson: "Not at my end Sir".

N.B. First Drill is like your standard nasty, shouty, drill nazi but multiplied by 10.


Also something that apparentely happened.

Heard over the tannoy at Lympstone CTC

"Do you hear there, do you here there......Rct Brown report to the guardroom, your Granddad has just died.....That is all".



This did happen as I was on the firing line at the time.

Finishing the multiple position range stance at Lydd, one of our Cpl's paid the price for his stupidity by sending an ND whistleing off down the range.
He tries to make light of it by turning to his mate and in a stupid 70's game show type voice says "ND!!!!!!, well hows about that then."

Unfortunately for him the CO and RSM had just turned up and were standing about 5 meters behind him. The RSM (who was just horrible) went on to explain the error of the Cpl's ways and why said Cpl was at that moment comparable to 7 shades of sh*t and how the RSM looked forward to seeing the Cpl manning the Guard room for life after having been charged to hell and back.

The look on the Cpl's face as his world imploded was priceless.


And something that I wish I had never said was probably the worst look forward ever given at the end of a lecture. At the end of a Navigation by night (use of stars) lecture.

Me: "Ok then as a look forward. Your out on Ringmoor for a Navex this evening, for tonight the stars are above you, crack on"

It was an off the cuff comment and it was only when I was uttering it that I realised just how pants it was. All I get is 30 blokes cracking up and giggleing and snide comments for the rest of the week.

[TheWizard]

RIAT, Fairford 1993. Sat by C130 wing eating lunch as two Migs whoosh around doing their thing.

Me: "I don't know what all the fuss is about, they don't even fly that close to each other"

5 secs later, lunch goes up in the air as we all try to beat the land speed record to reach the nearest airframe for cover!!

As the well documented results unfold I heard a voice say
"Nice one, are you related to Murray Walker?!" :uhoh:

[Bubblewindow]

Just a couple from the other side of the pond though not as hilarious as some of "yours".....

While in recruit training one of my instructors who had been drafted in from the army decided he wanted us out of DPM's and back on the square in No.1's post haste..."Im givin you a minute to get back here in yer No.1s...100,99,98,97....":ugh:

A British Army Gazzelle put down in a barracks on the wrong side of the border and the M.P on duty was quoted as saying to the camp commander "Sir, Ive locked the gates, theres no way they're gettin outta here tnite!!":confused:

[xrba]

Terrific thread, recently discovered, provided me with some of the best laughs I've had in ages, not to mention a few memories. My humble offering follows.

In the 60's a vertically challenged Scottish colleague was flying a SkyMeter from a carrier, [forget which one] off Subic Bay NAS in the Philippines, usually referred to by the name of the nearby town Olongapo, where all manner of delights could be sampled. In fact, in the words of one of my squadron mates, "down-town Olongapo is about as down-town as you are ever likely to get!" The following exchange took place between him and the 'D', [a very new fighter direction officer on board.] The aircraft suffered a Hydraulics failure, and the caption came up HYD1.

M2 from 107, I've got a HYD1, pigeons to Olongapo.

Say again 107!

[With more emphasis] M2, 107 I've got a HYD1, immediate pigeons to Olongapo.

Roger 107, pigeons 060/40.

The young D then phoned up Cmdr Air saying, Sir the wee Jocks' gone mad, he says he's got a hard on a needs a diversion to Olongapo!!

Well, it was funny at the time. Keep the tales coming please folks.

[RRAAMJET]

Q. to certain VIP of very purple lineage:
"Are you looking forward to your trip to Nigeria next month, Sir?"
Reply:
"I don't mind meeting Nigerians as long as it's in bloody London"

That would be a 'no', then...

[amb_211085]

Brilliant thread.

Not so long ago, whilst undertaking Initial Sea Training in the mighty 'O' a rather unfortunate OC happened to lose his name badge. This fellow is not the brightest spark, and after the Captain mentioned the loss of his name badge, he decided to make a new one. All he could find was a sheet of A4 paper upon which he wrote his name in giant letters. Walking back to the mess deck in nothing but a pair of shorts, he happened upon the Captain, held up his new name badge, pointed to it saying 'Got me a new badge now Skip'!!

-----------

A friend was on exchange to E'cole Navale (sp?). On his first morning there, he parade with the rest of the college for Colours. As is tradition in the RN, he saluted and wondered why the French Navy did not salute. He later discovered that they "are not allowed to salute their Ensign as a result of losing at Traf". Talk about rubbing their face in it!

[Pontius Navigator]

French tourists on HMS Victory to Bootie guide:

"Are zees the cannon balls zat were used at Trafalgar?"

"No Sir, the French Navy kept all those."

[exscribbler]

When #2 son was at BRNC in the late 90s his best mate spent a day as Commander's Doggy. He was provided with a List of Duties most of which he managed quite well being a very polite public school boy and a doctor's son to boot.

Late in the afternoon, he approached #2 son, showed him the List and said, "Help me here, Skip; what does a Polish telescope look like...":confused:

[EmpireOne]

Please help.

I have tried (in vain) to use the forum search engine to find an old thread called 'I wish I hadn't said that'. It started back in about 2000 or 2001 and ran for quite a long period in the Mil Aircrew forum.

I would be very grateful if someone could point in the right direction to re-visit this very funny thread. I will be quite saddened if this gem has been lost or dropped from the archive.

Thanks in advance for your help.

EO:ok:

Happy to bring it back to the top

[Foxy Loxy]

.... found here! Lots of other stuff there too.

http://www.pprune.org/forums/archive/index.php/t-48116.html

I think you'll find, though, that if you start at page one of this thread, and check the dates..... ;)

Foxy

[taxydual]

Topcliffe, early 80's. RAF training Royal Navy to fly on an Army Base.

RAF Flt Sgt B***e stood in the middle of the Bulldog line watching the see off's.

Enter Army major (with obligatory dog), being rather unsure of where to go, the Major calls to the Flt Sgt.

Maj: "Staff Sergeant."

Flt Sgt ignores the Major.

Maj: calls again (but louder) "Staff Sergeant, Staff Sergeant"

Flt Sgt ignores the Major.

At this point the Major takes his life (and his dog's life) in his hands and marches across the apron, dodges between the taxying Bulldogs and collars the Flt Sgt.

Maj: "Staff Sergeant, did you not hear me calling you?

Flt Sgt: "Oh, I'm sorry sir, but I'm a Flight Sergeant, not a Staff Sergeant"

Maj: "If you were in this Regiment, you would be a Staff Sergeant"

At this, Flt Sgt B***e responded

"No Sir, if I was in your Regiment, I would be a lieutenant Colonel"

[goudie]

Whilst I was gliding at Bicester in the '60s my wife was offered a flight (only flown in Brit.) in a Blanik glider, stooging around at 4000ft or so the pilot asked if she was enjoying it, 'well it's a bit boring' she replied. Pilot then carries out a few aerobatic manouvres 'how's that?' he asked. 'Can we land now' came the faint reply. Turns out the pilot was a member of the 'Reds' and obviously wasn't used to being told his flying was boring.

[EmpireOne]

Foxy or whoever did the electronic magic;), thank you very much......morale gauge is top of the green, although this will no doubt be counter-productive as far as anything other than reading pprune goes.

Anyway, just to keep it alive:

Mate (in lead) returning to field in 3 x B206 formation sortie requests initial & pitch for 09. ATC comes back quick as a flash with "K*****s Red, Cleared initial & pitch runway 09, report on base or ops normal by time three zero". :hmm:

[BEagle]

Was that B206 as in Beagle Basset B206:

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a341/nw969/B206.jpg

Or were you referring to some clattering things?

[Exnomad]

My brother was based in Germany flying senior officers and VIPs to Northolt in the twilight of his career. The B206 replaced Pembrokes and were unpopular with the passengers because they had to sit in the same cabin as the driver.

[xrba]

An old chestnut, but I was fortunate to have been able to say it myself.

At Chivenor, about 35 years ago, a senior officer was in the bar on Friday night, surrounded by acolytes, who were fawning over his recently acquired MB tie for a controlled ejection. Friends, old squadron mates of mine currently flying the B206, were with me, so, whilst purchasing a beer or three, I was able to quietly mention at the bar that there was a Beagle Basset navigator sitting in the corner who says he's got a dressing gown, made of that material!

[His ejection experiences were the stuff of legend, but they are another story.]

[EmpireOne]

BEagle

No, sadly I was referring to the clattering type of B206 made by Bell, but looking at that aircraft in the picture, the story could equally have applied:}

EO

[denis555]

Very third hand story... but here goes

Well known VIP visitor and his wife arrives early at certain RAF base 'somewhere in England'

Anxious to be hospitable VIP and missus asked if they would like anything - he wants a cuppa tea , she just says "I'll have a cake".

Tea was no problem - but in the early hours where do you get a cake? After much rushing around a very sorry looking Lemon Drizzle cake is found and presented to Mrs VIP.

"No" she says (imagine a very plummy accent here) .... "I wanted a Cakea-Cola"

...as I said, third hand story :rolleyes:

[Yeller_Gait]

I can't be the only one reading this again ....... ooooops there it is back at the top again

Y_G

[dallas]

Marham, late 80s (allegedly). SAC taking short cut across sports pitch is spied by SWO.

SWO [yells]: Airman!!!

Airman [yells]: SWO!!

Airman then does a runner in opposite direction.

[Gainesy]

Wittering 1974ish
SWO: "AIRMAN!"
SAC: "Yes Sir?"

Happened nearly every day.:)

Ah, well, a thread well worth reviving to offset the current doom and gloom.:ok:

[Fortissimo]

RAFC Cranwell, No 1 Graduate Entry (allegedly) (1970?)

Day one of flying training, 1 Sqn, well known Prince of Welsh variety turns up slightly earlier than planned to find said sqn manned only by the cleaner, one J*hnny Nayl*r.

"Oh, who's in charge here?" quoth PoW

"I was, till you got 'ere.." came the reply.

[Dengue_Dude]

A Herc captain whilst boarding points to his luggage on the pan and tells the loadie " Loadmaster, my luggage "

On arrival at some far flung place the captain is unable to find his cases

Captain " Loadie where are my suitcases ?"

To which the loadie replies " Probably still on the pan where you pointed them out "

I was on that flight and it was Lyneham to Luqa. It was the Nav who was a Maltese Flt Cdr Navigator (Alex G).

The loady would have got away with it but after the Nav commented on his bags being in the CO's end, the loady (John B) said : "Just as well you know people here, isn't it sir?"

Most amusing and very instructive for a young sergeant flt eng!

[tangoe]

Dartmouth in 1990 showing round some potential officers, guys and girls and watching the WRNS as they still were, for a few weeks at least, from Talbot division, on parade practice.

Watching from the ramps as a character of a Warrant Office H, put the ladies through their paces (slightly more appropriate than drilled!)


Anyway


3rd Officer M, (LCDR (Female)) looks on from the top of the steps and shouts to WO H

In a very plumy accent - ‘Excuse me Mr H, but I think you are being rather harsh on my girls’

“Parade Halt. Left turn, eyez right…” all that

‘Scuse me Ma’am, but you’s ‘ave 1 c*nt to look aft’er, I hav firty!’

“Tairrrrn’shun”

The 3rd officer would have complained, in fact tried to, but no occifer senior enough could be found either standing or not in the sick bay with chronic rib fatigue.

[airborne_artist]

Also at the College by the sea, in late 1978:

Petty Officer GI instructing a bunch of newish WRNS officer cadets.

"Stand at ease" - they moved their left foot about 2".

"I said Stand at Ease - open your legs - you've got nothing to lose"

As above, much hilarity all around :E

[Motleycallsign]

RAF Guetersloh, 18(B) Sqn flight planning room circa '74; Sgt crewman being Staneval checked on a LL Navex:

C'man: That's 157 degrees - call it 160, 20.3 miles - call it 20, at 90 knots that's just over 13 mins call it 15.

Staneval C'man: That's a 'C' cat call it 'D' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh happy days on the 'real' 18(B) [Wessex] Sqn

[Fareastdriver]

C'man: That's 157 degrees - call it 160, 20.3 miles - call it 20, at 90 knots that's just over 13 mins call it 15.


What's the problem with that? The Met's bound to be wrong, anyway.

[The Oberon]

Wittering 1966. The SWO had got his usual revenge on Victor Line Sqn. by nominating most of them for Guard of Honour, including an ethnic Nigerian electrician known to everyone as " Joe ".

Having all drawn arms, the SWO sized us into 3 ranks and " Joe " found himself in the rear rank. Enter a young Nav. Rad. who had lost the toss for O i/c GoH. He spotted "Joe" in the rear rank, pointed at him and told him to swap places with the man in the centre of the front rank.

" Tell you what, Sir, I have a better idea " replied Joe, " Why don't you put me on a lead and stand me in front of the band "

[tangoe]

With a slight accent of the Irish in a wardroom near the Lizard, a SQD CO was heard to say;

'Who's ID card is this'

[Rigger1]

1980’s, TTTE, JnrRanks mess, AOC's inspection.

AOC walks into the mess at lunchtime with entourage and heads for 2 tables of FLM’s, much to OC caterings horror. “How’s the food lads?” Old FLM more related to ape than man ... “absolutely brilliant, sir” ... OC Catering beaming .... “I wish you were hear everyday, because when you not it’s f*cking ****!” ... OC Catering no longer beaming.

And I still remember his name to this day, (the FLM not the AOC.)

[mlc]

Tangoe- I'm afraid the Dartmouth incident happened in 1992 (PO T**bull made the reply) and it was in response to the noise he was making as he put future Admirals through their paces. Sadly, I never made Admiral.

[asdaasbo]

Know an AET called Rob Knott (swap his initials around)

Job before the mob had a customer called Fanny Nightlight

[tangoe]

Tangoe- I'm afraid the Dartmouth incident happened in 1992 (PO T**bull made the reply) and it was in response to the noise he was making as he put future Admirals through their paces. Sadly, I never made Admiral.

I am afraid my version did not! As 3rd Officer M was definately wearing Blue stripes and not Gold as she would have been in 1992. And 1990 was the last year that WRNS would have paraded as Talbot before being integrated into the various divisions.

As I am sure your version is also true, there are many villages missing idiots, C's at the end of sticks and worms in the caps of those that were previously standing easy.

[Cornerstone958]

Picture the scene between 62-65 at a well known RAF Station in Wiltshire.
As part of our job in SSQ we would be detailed as the 'Quarantine Controller' which required the checking of Inoculation Certificates for Aircrew & passengers. So one morning very early there I am on the Flight Deck of a Brit when I discover that the Skippers docs are out of date and he just happens to be the CO of the Sqdn. 'You can't go says I get off my Aircraft says he'. So I called out the SMO who arrived in his PJ's and promply parked his car in the middle of the Runway. Oh was I popular!

Same Station same job Saturday Afternoon Aircraft about to depart for Idris. One Pasenger docs out of date 'you can't go says I'. The skipper says 'If you can get it sorted we will wait'. Problem sorted Aircraft departs 10 minutes late and I get the thick end of an Ear bashing from Operations and a 'request' to submit my report as to why I delayed the depature in triplicate by 1700hrs.

Ah happy days and I haven't even mentioned about the day I set SSQ on fire!!:O

CS

[Dengue_Dude]

I suppose telling the British Ambassador's daughter at a do her dad was paying for (in Addis Abbaba), that 'Hey you've got a better moustache than our navigator' probably doesn't go down as a good career move.

Irony was, when we returned to Lyneham, the boss met the aircraft to tell me I'd got accelerated promotion 'unless you can think of a reason not to . . . '

Oh dear. Self control is soluble in alcohol - especially when it's brandy-sours.

[Boozydragon]

During a SCOTADEX at Leuchars we were sat bored rigid in the COC when the Control of Entry phone rang. The WRAF Cpl who picked it up suddenly went white and then started shouting, "The Russians are here, the Russians are here!". The WO cool as you like took the phone from her and after listening intently to the caller, replaced the handset and tanoyed to the rest of the COC, "The Rations have arrived, breakfast in 10 mins!". Priceless!:D

[oxenos]

Changi Creek Transit Mess, Late '60s
Passengers, mostly families, waiting to be taken to board VC 10 to U.K. Large no. of 205 Sqn in the bar to see off one of our number.
WRAF Movements Officer gets on the P.A. and announces that " owing to modifications being done to the VC 10 galley, only light snacks will be served in flight. However, hot meals will be served between the legs."
Roar of approval from 205. She goes bright red, locks herself in the ladies loo, and leaves her corporal to herd everyone onto the buses.


Packed Scruff's Bar, St. Mawgan, Late 70's.
Station Padre ( who was in there so often that it was also known as the station chapel) was heard to say in a lull in the conversation. " Of course my boss is coming down next week."
Lull turns into complete silence. " Oh, not Him, I meant the Group Captain Padre from MOD " Conversation slowly resumes.

[Tabby Badger]

My first posting, early seventies, was Tern Hill which had a very senior SMO; Wing Commander, if memory serves. Legend had it that he had been banished there for some terrible diplomatic faux-pas, which was quite believable as he seemed to be stark staring bonkers.

Anyway, friend of mine reported sick.

"Well what's the matter with you lad?"

"Can't sleep , sir"

"So go and hand your f:mad:g bedding in. - Now f:mad:k off!"

[tarantonight]

Not RAF related, but amuses me..............

Police Officer goes into a house to take a statement on a ropey housing estate followed by the well known Police Dog breed, German Shephard.

During said statement, the German Shephard sniffs around until it it eventually arches it's back and has a dump in the corner of the room.

Nobody says anything.

When statement is completed, the Police Officer begins to leave when the house owner says 'Aren't you going to take your dog with you?'

'My dog?, I thought it was your dog...........................!'

Strange, but true.

[Jig Peter]

At an airfield pretty close to the Iron Curtain, when 2TAF hadn't yet got an "A" after the "2", a bright but stressed young Fg.Off was Squadron Adj and very, very busy in his office next to the Boss's. The phone was ringing almost non-stop, and Charlie's paperwork was being seriously held up. Once again the bloody thing rang: "YES ???" "This is the AOC ..." "OH, For F***'s SAKE, JUST F*** OFF !!! shouts our Charlie and goes off to the crewroom for a coffee and a change of air. When he got back, the Boss called through to him "Chas, did you just say something rude to someone on the phone just now ?" ... "Well, yes sir - all these spoof calls are driving me crazy". "Ah well, He wants you to report to his office at 0900 in the morning" ...
At Gp HQ, Charlie is met by an ADC and told to take a seat - "The AOC will see you as soon as he's free". Group is clearly very, very busy, and Charlie stays there very quietly till he's told he can go off to lunch and be back by 1400. Which he does, and is.
The afternoon passes in similar fashion, till eventually Charlie is told the AOC would see him now. In the office, the Big Man is busy reading, annotating and "getting through" files. Eventually he folds the last file, looks up and says "Now you f*** off".

++++++++++++++++
Effectively ended the spoof call craze all over 2TAF ...
:ok:

[Pontius Navigator]

Jig, I believe it was the Abandoned Earl. I heard he started the conversation with "Who are you?" before ending with your statement :)

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

One morning, leaving the bogs and entering the hangar I passed the SEngO. Slightly nervously, I decided to simply report what I had recently achieved -

'Morning ****' - I explained

'Good Morning, Corporal' was his reply

[DeepestSouth]

Caption competition in Station Magazine at a station somewhere in E Anglia. Photo is taken on our Open Day and shows slightly follically-challenged Wg Cdr Flying peering and pointing down GR1 intake. I decided to send my mate, the Editor, a jokey response ... "Yes, that's where my hairpiece went, madam!"

:eek:You guessed - the ba**ard went and printed it, with my name below! :uhoh:It was reliably informed that said Wg Cdr was incandescent but was prevailed upon to see the joke by the Staish! I avoided happy hour for a few weeks!

[newfieboy]

Funniest thread on PPrune, back to the top.:D

[Pontius Navigator]

Funniest thread on PPrune, back to the top.:D

Somewhere in Newfoundland :) flight planning. Nav looks around for the standard timepiece - no clock for a timecheck.

Calls Ops Clerk (they were in those days) and said he need a time check. After detailed explanations and instructions said clerk returns with small scrappy piece of paper bearing the numbers 0715.

"What's this?"

"Time check, Sir."

Clerk had obviously gone native; but he survived.:}

[Captain Gadget]

The scene: BAOR, many years ago now...

An AAC Sgt pilot and his Cpl crewman are tasked to pick up a senior bod. The task involves flying their helo to a certain grid reference and then telephoning to advise said senior bod of their arrival, whereupon he would embark in the helo and be taken to wherever it was he was meant to be going.

So off they go.

On arrival, the grid reference turns out to be that of a parade square. This is not unusual for BAOR AAC crews, except that in this case there is a parade in progress on it at the time. However, orders being orders, the Sgt pilot brings his helo into a hover over the square, lower and lower until the penny drops (due to the rapidly diminishing count of headgear being worn in the regulation manner) and the serried ranks scatter to the periphery in disarray.

The helo duly touches down in the centre of the square, and the crewman hops out, rotors turning, and legs it to the adjacent guardroom to make the phone call.

A couple of minutes later, the crewman reappears, ashen-faced. "Let's get out of here, Sarge", he says grimly.

'Sarge', naturally, is curious. "Why, what's up?" he asks, not unreasonably.

"We've just landed at the phone number and I've just tried to phone the grid reference", was the crewman's reply.

Gadget :ok:

[flown-it]

Germany in the 60s. Visiting Army Officer being shown round a Canberra by a very new Flying Officer. VAO not impressed as his reply to the proud statement.. "And THIS is the cockpit" was...."and that's where your dwiver sits?"

Again 1960s Very early in this thread someone mentioned female controllers and grey areas. I think they also called it a dark area as I recall a female controller at, I think, Buchan was heard telling a pilot he was entering her dark area. " I'll try to be gentle" was his reply.

This may just have been 60's humour with no basis in fact but it was said that a senior army officer wrote the following 2 annual reports:-

This officer is brave enough to have led the Charge of the Light Brigade and foolish enough to have ordered it!

I would hesitate to breed from this officer!

[Jig Peter]

You're right, Pontius - I reckoned it could have been none other than the Earl himself, but hesitated to put down as "fact" what I seemed to remember from that day (and, no, "charlie" wasn't me, though we were on the same squadron).

[Thunderguts]

Yorkshire FTS early seventies. Wonderful collection of very pretty WRAFs around the station, particularly in the tower. Being gentlemen! One started to socialise and great fun they were too! But the 'powers that be' got wind of the arrangement, and we were all called into the briefing room for a b@ll@cking from the Wing Commander Flying/Ops,about how fraterniizing with the lower ranks was "bad for morale, and conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline" and told us to desist.

However we soon got around that problem by starting a roller hockey league. Of course the girls had their own team and after the matches the teams adjourned to the nearest pub for the post game beer and 'sarnies'! This was considered quite within the rules and according to the Station Commander was excellent for "morale good order and discipline!"

Sadly the Wing Commander Flying/Ops did not last long as he was caught improving his 'morale, good order and discipline' with his very pretty secretary across his office desk, and was invited to leave the station within twelve hours.

Happy days

[Firestorm]

Tango and MLC: Sorry chaps but I was at Dartmouth in 1986, and I could swear it happened then. I am sure if we search hard enough we can find some claimant for every year since 1805! :ok:

[Jig Peter]

On an early Victor 1 trans-Atlantic trip to Goose Bay, the two of us up front had done all those things one does , like taking turns to fly the aeroplane, eat the so-tasty in-flight rations, look at the layers of solid cloud down below, do the necessary with fuel tank switching and so on. It still seemed a very, very long day was still dragging on, and on, and on ...
The boss seemed to have got a severe case of "Martin Baker bum". "Plotter ... where are we now ?"
" XXYYZZ North, ZZYYXX West, Sir".
"Thanks for that, but I didn't want to know our position, I asked 'where are we' ".
"About 150 miles south-west of Greenland" * came the answer.
"Thank goodness, there'll be something for us up here to do in about half an hour, right?"
:ugh:

*or wherever ...

[Tabby Badger]

On arrival at Strike Command at High Wycombe, late seventies, I endeavoured to book a haircut.

Being somewhat slow on the uptake, I could not understand why every time I tried to ring the station barber, the phone was answered by "The Chief of the Air Staff". :ugh:

[wub]

This is another Police story but I like it:

The Chief Constable decided he wanted to get a first hand perspective on what his officers were faced with on a daily basis, so went on patrol with a young constable. They were driving round the local housing estate when they spotted trouble erupting between gangs of youths.

The young constable headed towards the scene and asked the CC to call for backup. The CC grabs the radio microphone, quickly scans the patrol car's dashboard for the call sign and spotting a small piece of Dymo tape, keys the mic:

"Foxtrot 30, Romeo 32, requesting immediate backup"

"Er, Sir" says the young constable, "You've just read out the tyre pressures"

[Duchess_Driver]

RAF Catterick, early 80's.

Baby Rock Officer heard being extremely enthusiastic about the clarity of his service issue timepiece......"These are so clear and easy to read that you just have to glance at it to see the time...."

Oh how we all laughed when heard that he turned up for work an hour early the very next day!

[Ben L]

When Dmitri Zotov was at Ballykelly in the early-mid Fifties he was known as "Zot" because no one thought could think of calling him"Dim",which he never was.

[Ben L]

This is a story that was current when I was at Northolt just after Joe retired in the late70s -early 80s.
One of our chores on 207 in those days was to take senior officers on day staff visits to East Anglian bases and hang around for five or six hours until they were ready to come back. On one such trip,Joe and his nav went into lunch and went to pay the WRAF stewardess as they left the dining room.The girl asked Joe his surname, he said Kmiecik and she asked him how he spelt it .He said "It's hard". She wrote out a receipt for Flt Lt HARD!!
Joe died in an accident at his homeinSpain a few years after he left the RAF. The story of his escapen from Russia as a boy of 17 is told in his book "A Boy in the Gulag" published in 1983 and available from Amazon

[Pontius Navigator]

Another one about the Abandoned Earl.

In the olden days it was customary for the barman to ask the senior officer in the Mess for permission to shut the bar. Traditionally this was usually a permanent staff member although a visiting officer on duty is also a full member.

There was a raucous party in the corner of the bar and they told the barman to stay open.

The senior officer came over and said words the the effect that he was Sqn Ldr Sir Humphrey Whatever and he was ordering the bar closed, whereupon he was countered with "I am a Wg Cdr and an Earl. I trump you on both counts, now go to bed." :)

[Ben L]

By the way does anyone remember the drama that he caused when he flew his glider across the Irish sea from NI and landed at some secure place in Cumbria? I think that was his biggest claim to fame.;)

[Fitter2]

Strictly, Zot flew across St Georges Channel, the narrow bit, not the Irish Sea. And I didn't know a bog in a Scottish glen was secure - just 6 inches deep in water. Retrieved to Kinloss on the back of a Mountain Rescue 3-ton truck, and caused some concern flying back commercial with his parachute as hand baggage.

I think one of his better 'claims to fame' was when he was at Boscombe on the Nimrod AEW project, the Winco Admin with a warped sense of humour gave him an appropriate secondary duty, so he could introduce him to visiting Americans as 'Dmitri Victorovich Zotov, our security officer'. This fell rather flat because most of the septics had even stranger names.

[Neptunus Rex]

During WW II a young Major was sent to inspect a Home Guard (Dad's Army) unit. In the front rank there was an elderly Corporal, wearing three rows of medals, and with uniform and boots that would have passed muster in the Brigade of Guards. The conversation went:
"Splendid turnout Corporal, most commendable."
"Thank you sir."
You have obviously seen some action, which service were you in?"
"The Royal Navy, sir."
"Splendid! And what rank did you achieve?"
"Rear Admiral, Sir."
Ouch!
http://www.augk18.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/crazybangbang.gif

[Rossian]

....apologies for a little bit of thread drift. In Naples in the mid '80s there was PFC in the US Army southern region signals regiment who had been the CO until not long before I got there. I mentioned to my US Army colleague that I was slightly puzzled by the age of the PFC and the deference shown by the Capt who was his boss in the interminable meetings we used to have. He explained that the Colonel had come up to retirement age and asked if he could stay in service and in Naples. Not as a Colonel he was told. OK as what then?
PFC he was told. "I can live with that" he said and stayed. All the USN guys I worked with thought it was very odd and not entirely the done thing. Mind you they couldn't get their heads round Spec Aircrew either. "You mean you can go on flying till you're 55?"

The Ancient Mariner

[Wander00]

Just been reading through the thread I saw post 718 and J's ejection.-I recall the Gp Capt Cowpat incident-indeed, the number of IWIHST stories about him and exercises would fill a whole thread. The best two for me were as DISTAFF hoax phone calling him as "The Red Hand of Ulster" and his not having made a note of anything the caller said, and with the connivance of OC Arm Eng (now I think a 2*) putting an exercise letter bomb through the system - oily patch, wire, unequal weight,etc, and picked up every time until it was in the CoC. Said to Stn Cdr, could he hang on and we'd demo to the execs. "No" he said, "it's addressed to me", and as he opened it with a flourish with his dinghy knife, it burst into flames! Ho, ho!!

[JamesA]

It was time for the SNCOs to come in for their annual chat. One man arrives in the office. Interview goes something like:-
'How do you think you performed this year?'
'Pretty good, as always.' Dead pan expression. I think the term 'hard to read' comes to mind.
'Well, what figures do you expect?'
I hear 'Three eights, again.' Spoken with no emotion.
'What?' Raised voice, cannot contain surprise, (interview technique?) ' What do you mean three eights?'
Immediate response, 'Well, the Wing Commander 'ates me, the Squadreon Leader 'ates me and I don't think I am your favourite either. Anything else?'

I have to admit when he left and I thought what he said, I had a good chuckle.

[Fortissimo]

Wattisham, last year of the Phantom, AOC 11 Gp enjoying a week of refresher flying. Sqn feeder u/s, so AOC's lunch being provided by the Mess (a 10 min drive).

Team lands from morning sortie, lead checks to see that AOC's sandwiches have arrived in time for the 'working lunch' debrief but finds job has not been done. Ops clerk is instructed: "Send the driver to the Mess NOW to pick up the AOC's sarnies!"

Debrief complete, still no driver, delay now reaching embarrassing proportions. Crewroom door eventually opens to reveal sweaty driver clutching tray of artfully arranged sandwiches.

"Where have you been?" asks lead.

"Sorry sir, I went to the Mess to pick up AVM Sarnies but I couldn't find him. I've got the AOC's lunch though!"

Driver exits stage left to howls of laughter from all players...

[Grndplt]

Start of a PTR 175 (anyone remember?) course at Yatesbury. (You need to be getting on to appreciate this ...)

All lined up, I'm beside a natty little suited 3 buttons done up corporal.

F/Sgt calls out names,

"Smith"
"Flight Sgt"

"Jones"
"Flt Sgt"

"Brown" (natty little Cpl)
"Don't say Brown, Flt Sgt, say 'Hovis'"

Collapse of line up.

[alisoncc]

I rear ended a car that morning on the way to the base...

I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".

I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's when the fight started!!!

Alison

[Wessex Boy]

Heard on The Shawbury station Tannoy in the late '80s...

Following the morning crash alarm test instead of:
"end of test, end of broadcast"

it was:
"end of test, end of breakfast"

We tended to have a constant barrage of fire alarms, normally in the storage hangars, but this was different:

"Fire, fire, fire, A fire has been reported in the Guardroom <pause whilst this sunk in> Sh!t that's here!"

[ArthurR]

Back to the top

A couple of my own, but more of "I'm glad I said that"

Late sixties, I was in an MR Team, long weekend in the Lake District
Keswick, early morning, down with others to the stream to wash, (we did sometimes) a few of us down there, I strip of my shirt, nearly bare chest, a couple of hairs struggling to get through, Guy next to me looks at my chest, then at his own, not only got a thick mat on the chest but his back as well, says to me "Do you know what a chest like that means?" pointing at his own, "Yes" I reply "it means your closer to the monkey than I am"


Middle 90's about 95, Contracting in Manching, Bavaria, lots of Brits, C160's and start of AWACS,
We where all in our local watering hole, and naturally being as it was 90% brits most of the talk was English. East German fitter commented in English, "Dam forigneers coming over hear why don't they learn German, my comment back, " what do you mean Forigneers, wev'e been here since 1945, you only got here 1989.. He supped his beer and left

[Grndplt]

Prompted by above, two slow uns..

My AFTS, QFI flew the Beverly, not generally known for its high transit speed. Told me this one mid instructional sortie, "Flying through France once when some fierce h/winds allowed careful study of various French trains as they sped past. Eventually they are handed over to London and pass standard report. Several minutes later following conversation with London Control.

LC: RAFAIR *** confirm a/c type
Bev: Beverly
LC: "Thank god for that, we thought you might be a Zepplin!"

Visiting Canada and met a DHC-4 Caribou crew. On the Shackleton taildragger at the time and moaning about long time to do anything.
Caribou crew listened patiently for a while and then:-
"At least you guys don't have to worry about a bird strike from behind!"

[Grndplt]

Student at 5 FTS. Present wife chatting to Staish who had just announced he was posted.

Wife: "What is your new posting?"
Staish: "I'm going to the Queens Flight."
Wife: "Oh, so you'll be one of the flunkeys that stands at the aircraft stairs when the Queen arrives."
Me: Choking sound followed quickly by recognition that career was probably not enhanced much ....

[wileydog3]

One of the guys in our squadron took the job as head of tanker scheduling. One day he was being introduced to a new group and the commander said, "This is Capt Richard Smith, head of tanker scheduling." Smith said, "I prefer to be called Dick" After that he was always addressed as Dick, head of tanker scheduling.

[kokpit]

Middle 90's about 95

LOL, could it really have been anything else? :ok:

Sorry Arthur, I couldn't resist, possibly one of those 'I wish I hadn't said that' moments?

[Starboard Door]

Wildenrath circa 1990. Radar bay subject to brand new OC Eng's inspection (nobody from the bay had met or seen him). Bay entrance was locked (phantom radar secret spec). Anyway cue knock on the door, bay personnel prepared, blah. Door opened by a certain Welsh Flight Sergeant who was confronted by the usual flunkeys and hangers on and aforementioned brand new OC Eng who was (and is) a gentleman and also black as the ace of spades. In the split second of opening the door and processing what his eyes could see but not necessarily thinking before speaking, his salutation was "Howdy Doody Sir", to which, without batting an eyelid, the reply was "Howdy Doody Flight Sergeant". Top reply and a top bloke.

[RookiePilot]

Our small base is having a visit from a Chinook. Our ex 18(B) Sqn Boss with hundreds of hours on Wessexes and more recently Chinooks stands up at breakfast and announced to all us students:

"Ah, I can hear the sound of the mighty Chinook engines approaching."

Our hero looks behind him out the window and informs him:

"Actually that's the egg delivery van Sir."

The look on his face....





- a request - can you lot be a bit clearer with your posts, in the way of abbreviations and obscure references, for the enjoyment of those who aren't familiar with them.

[Long Drop]

Ascot 670. Finals, Gear Down. ;)

[MechGov]

"I'm the best pilot in the Lyneham circuit" Anon (ish)

[BEagle]

Have the Lyneham trash-hauler drivers finally joined the rest of the RAF and now call "Final, gear down" (assuming that it is actually down), rather than their old "Finals, gear checked" nonsense?

When "Finals, 3 greens" was binned, along with "Finals, 4 greens" for bona mates and "Finals, 3 wheels" for F-4 mates whose jets didn't have red/green lights, everyone was supposed to use the new term "Final, gear down". But the Herk mob didn't seem to want to change.....

I once heard an old and crusty tower controller at the Covert Oxonian Aerodrome insist that some Herk-driver acknowledged that the landing gear was actually 'down' rather than 'checked' - and quite rightly too. I found out later that clearance would have been refused if the correct call hadn't been given, on the grounds that the controller wasn't about to let an aircraft land whose pilot couldn't state whether or not the landing gear was really down...

[aw ditor]

Greenals three fines!

[BEagle]

Describing the role which the C-130K played with 1312 Flt, the following appears in the latest ARSAG newsletter:

The C-130K also patrols to the islands of South Georgia and South Sandwich. These islands are British Colonies, which lay many hundreds of miles to the southeast and can only be reached by air or sea.

Islands which can only be reached by air or sea, eh? No $hit, Sherlock! How else are you going to reach islands in the South Atlantic? By train? By walking?

:hmm:

[GOLF_BRAVO_ZULU]

Clearly, the secret tunnel from the Swamp, MPA isn't progressing well.

[Sook]

Why would you call Finals anyway? Are you on more than one?

[Capt Pit Bull]

Meet and greet at the start of BFTS.

The deputy CI (whose name escapes me, but he liked to be known as 'BloodAxe' on account of his chop rate) starts making small talk with a mate of mine (fellow student).

Bloodaxe " Ah, Pilot officer Bloggs, been into town yet?"

My mate "Yes Sir!"

Bloodaxe "What do you reckon to the local girls eh?"

My mate "Pretty good to look at sir! Unfortunately as soon as they open their mouths and start talking the illusion is shattered... they are as thick as pig****!"

Bloodaxe muses "hmmmmmmm. By the way, my wife is a local girl"

[Wander00]

Graduation lunch at Sleaford Tech late 70s/early 80s - Mother of recently graduated N Irish cadet to Commandant - "So tell me how you can achieve in 18 weekhs what I could not do in 21 years".

[Lonewolf_50]

Ears and nose clogged, flight trainng, assigned the daily assistant to Flight Duty Officer, who runs the daily flight schedule. Learned much about radio comms, I did -- stuff that wasn't in the book.

Frustrated sounding aviator in training: "Looks like I f(#*$^d that one up, sir."
Tower: "Last transmission, say call sign."
Pause
Another Voice: "Tower, he said he f*&$$d up, not that he's f&^$*ing stupid."
Yet another voice: "This is Charlie Oscar, knock it off."

I got to hear the CO and "Another Voice" in the not so quiet conversation about a half hour later, regarding comms discipline, as the Flight Duty spot was adjacent to the CO's office.

The CO had recognized his voice. :eek:

[OFBSLF]

I think General McChrystal could add a few entries to this thread.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

As an antidote to all the smartarse responses of the ginger beers to aircrew snaggings.

Coningsby, early '90s
pilot on sign in; "Right Chief, the rudder caption comes on intermittently, the UHF radio has a max range of 40nm,....., and the left engine's well
fu(&ed"
Chief (fairy): I'm fed up with you aircrew; you can't put well fu(&ed in the F700. I'll get the Engines Sargeant.
On appearance of same:
Chief (in very patronising tone): Right Sir, can you do your best to give us some clue about the engine?
Pilot looks at kneepad: OK, S+L, M1.3, FL360, OAT -53; deselected reheat, pop surge, nozzle to ENC,.. blah, blah, in best I've got a degree in Jet Engines style.
Engine Sargeant turns to Chief: "Ooooh, that's well fu(&ed!"

To be fair, Chiefie bought me a drink and apologised for not realising that "well fu(&ed" was a technical term for sooties.
Nice to get one over on them occasionally.

[Knucklehead]

In the late 70s a group of Wildenrath F4 Pilots was talking to their USAF counterparts who were on detachment from California and occupying an empty dispersal site. For some reason their Colonel decided to give the Brits his extremely original slant on the Northern Ireland situation. After a lengthy diatribe he concluded with the statement that no self respecting Irishman would have anything to do with the British, let alone serve in their armed services. 'Hello Colonel' said a visiting Squadron Leader, 'I didnt catch your name' 'I'm Lieutenant Colonel ........... from Texas'. 'Nice to meet you: I'm George Lee from Dublin'.

[johnfairr]

Slight thread drift, but it fits with the theme of the "Maybe I'd better check things first . . ." thread.

In 1974 George Lee, as formation leader, had an air miss filed against him (and 8 other F4s) on a photoshoot for the newly converted 111 Sqn, with Boston Stump as the back drop.

The air miss was filed by a glider pilot, who was somewhat disconcerted to see nine F4s in echelon port heading "straight towards me!!" I had to investigate the circumstances and knew it was an open and shut case before I even got to Coningsby.




























George was at that time the world gliding champion . . . . . . . . .

[WannabeCrewman]

Sat in the Nav planning room at a certain UAS at RAF Woodvale, some CFS lads were staying for the week, and one was unpacking his gear in the Nav room when his phone goes; he answers it, and in the quiet of the planning room, I can hear the other end - its his CO, who he is obviously good friends with. The following conversation took place:

"Bloggs mate, can you talk?"
"Oh hello boss, hows things?"
"Good thanks, got a question, do you fancy spending a week at Scampton with the Reds?"
"Week with the Reds? No thanks boss, they're all c*nts..."

Queue me collapsing in a fit of laughter and heading straight for the line book....

[BEagle]

From the latest RAF Club e-Newsletter:

Seafood and Sundaes
In the Dining Room through the summer we shall be serving some seafood specialities such as crab and lobster

No doubt that'll amuse our fishhead and mud-eating friends.....:rolleyes:

[Rossian]

.....Beags:

I doubt if any of the current staff will have the faintest idea about that reference - most of them seem to have very little English. I had to sort out my bill one night with a chap from one of France's old African colonies in French as he felt more at home with that.

The Ancient Mariner

[BEagle]

Rossian, I know what you mean! In fact, rather than hijack this thread, I'm going to open a new thread about the Club......

[Simonta]

Good mate of mine, in the eng crew room at 72 Aldergrove, sitting having coffee one morning when the Sqdn WO walks in.

"Corporal Pxxx. I saw you leave the squadron at 17:20 last night. You know shift time is 17:30"

"Not me sir"

"Corporal Pxxx. Don't argue. I saw you leave at 17:20"

"No, must be mistaken sir"

(SWO is starting to vent small amounts of steam. Shouts...)

"Corporal Pxxx. I saw you leave at 17:20"

"No. Not me sir, I left about quarter past"

I swear the dear old WO, incandescent with rage, turned purple. Due in no small part to the assembled linies crying with laughter.

[SgtBundy]

Excellent thread which I stumbled across by accident - has kept me up all hours reading all the way through it.

One tale I was surprised I did not see. Not sure of the truth to it, but it was doing the rounds not long after it was supposed to have happened. I think it was even in some news articles, as much as that lends any credibility.

Story goes sometime shortly after "mission accomplished" was declared in Iraq II, well after the disappearance of any sort of Iraqi air forces. A RAF Chinook was doing one of its runs when over excited US ground forces opened up on it. The pilot takes action, then comes around and lands right next to the offending unit. Out hops the steaming mad pilot who charges over and starts laying into the grunt:

"WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A F--KING IRAQI HELICOPTER!".

The news article described the pilot as "someone who did not suffer fools well".

[Shack37]

http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa163/exshack37/Pilot.jpg


This one?

[SgtBundy]

That would be it!

[air pig]

Have heard about the same sort of thing hapening in Afganhistan, RM secret squirel team droped of by US marine helicopter in the middle of nowhere at the wrong place. Change of radio freqs and codes, so have to walk for a number of days and eventually manage to attract attention of an RAF chinook crew. Get on board, marine asks if the chinnok crew would stop off at the helicopter unit on the way home. Lo and behol chinook lands, unhappy marine has crew keep engines running, deplanes and goes to have a communication with said pilot. Comes back to aircraft, saying leave now before I'm caught up with by the MPs amd I don't mean politicians. Rumour is that it took only one hit for the pilot to wake up with a crowd around him

[GICASI]

Bump. It's a while since I started this one. I can't imagine humour, irony or satire have died in the meantime. What about who said what when asked to do more with less, again and again, for example? Or little cripplers that emerged in the planning or execution of the same?

Spill the humour ...

[Pontius Navigator]

At mass bomber brief I asked the briefer:

The attack track is easterly and heading towards Russia. We are not supposed to scan in to Russia. How can we do a radar attack? (modified for brevity).

You could have heard a pin drop as 100 aircrew listened for the answer.

Afterwards the sqn ldr buttonholed me and said, good question but never stop me in it like that again.

He was a good example of the wrong man for the job but we became good friends afterwards.

[Wander00]

"Access to Excellence" briefing prior to Phase 1 redundancy programme. Wall to wall "stars" telling everyone how employers were waiting for "the best trained workforce in Britain".


"Any questions?" "What about the recession?" - did not quite get hustled out like a heckler at the Labour Party Conference, but got the clear feeling my card was marked. Ended up as the thirteenth of 12 Admin wg cdrs to go on stage 1!

[Pontius Navigator]

And in retrospect did you still regret that? :)

[mad_jock]

There is a very good book by a Royal Marine pilot on attachment to the RAF who also doesn't seem to suffer people having a dump in his accommodation toilets.

Maybe the same guy.

They do seem to have a rather simple way of dealing with idiots of what ever rank, nationality, civi, military you name it.

[Pontius Navigator]

MJ, sorry, can you join the dots up please.

[teeteringhead]

Haven't trawled back through 48 pages, so apologies if I posted these before ;)

In the run up to the non-event that was Y2K, at a briefing for (primarily) his Stn Cdrs, C-in-C Support Command (the Scottish Air Marshal) asked:

"Are there any unforeseen circumstances we haven't thought of ????" :ugh:

Some years earlier, a Stn Cdr applauding the recruitment of female pilots against the background of empty cockpits:

"If we recruit female pilots, we can easily fill all the slots!" :eek::O

[Wander00]

PN - No. I spent 94/95 in the resettlement field, and was threatened with being banned by several COs/Stn Cdrs, etc for "depressing" the troops by telling them what it was really like getting "outside". I then got lucky - and I told people luck was an important element of job seeking, although the harder you tried the "luckier" you got. - I ended up for 10 years as Secretary of a very large yacht club, and my youngest had the most marvellous "Swallows and Amazons" childhood imaginable.

[mad_jock]

Sorry pointious the RM do have a very strong use of the chain of command but if somebody is a idiot is seems to be fair do's that you give them a smack so they understand there stupidity.

They also don't mince words when confronted with someone that doesn't seem to get straight talk.

There was a RM Captain doing the post volcano bring back of people from Europe with the RN and after giving a statement about who was getting on some daft bint started going on about her particular situation. He let her finish and simply said

"have you got a movement order from the embassy?"
"err no, which is what I have just been telling you"
"well obviously your not getting on then, didn't you listen?"

[Pontius Navigator]

MJ, :D, that could be my son in law as well. Can't remember the details but some sprog was trying to curry favour for his colonel. His put down of sprog was quite robust.

[mad_jock]

I have a mate that's going through officer training just now with them.

He is utterly loving it.

Which reminds me, must send him some calories through the post and a pair of cycling shorts and neoprene fingerless gloves.

[Fonsini]

Late 1970s grammar school aero club tour of RAF Coningsby. Our teacher says to the small and very nerdy group of budding RAF teenage wannabes "now for christ's sake don't any of you buggers ask any stupid questions". If only I had listened.

A flying officer is giving us a tour around a hangared FGR2 when yours truly spies a couple of drop tanks lying off to one side.

The following exchange between myself and the FO remains etched in my memory.

"Excuse me sir !"

"Err yes, what is it"

(Clears throat) - "well sir, I was wondering what exactly is the capacity of those drop tanks in gallons ?"

"This is the RAF sonny, we drink and piss in gallons, fuel is measured in POUNDS"

I never lived that down, and also managed to fall asleep during the briefing about head-on attacks with the AIM-7.

[Fonsini]

Or how about something an Australian pilot wished he hadn't said.

Flying Mirage IIIs on detachment to some exotic Indonesian/Malaysian type locale the "lads" had downed large bowls of street vendor curry and beer the day before a session of 1v1 BFM.

The pilot feels a little "gurgle" as he enters the cockpit but thinks nothing of it and concentrates on the mission at hand - the Mirages enter a fast head-on merge at altitude and our boy calls out "ok 2, fight's on !!" on the RT and cranks the Mirage into a nice 5g turn, this triggers the bladder pouch of his anti G to inflate and a good couple of pints of very watery, odious diarrhea promptly squirts down the (unsealed) legs of his flight suit and into the cockpit.

Apparently his next transmission was "knock it off, knock it off, oh Jesus Christ knock it off !!!".

[Old-Duffer]

Returning to the 'Royal' in Afghanistan.


It was a very interesting book and there is no doubting this chap's personal skill, commitment and bravery etc. However, for me the book was spoiled because it was full of foul mouthed language, which was both unnecessary and probably OTT anyway. The descriptions could certainly have been accomplished without recourse to endless profanity.


I still don't get the problem of using a loo - is there something sacred about the bodily functions of a Chinook crew that puts their loo out of bounds to everybody else?


Old Duffer (who has an inside loo with a flush!)

[Pontius Navigator]

As Fonsini said, and not me, at the college of knowledge at Manby in the 50s, after a lecture on IRBM and Thor came the profound question:
Are there any underwater missiles? Long pause, torpedoes?, came the reply.

Of course, less than 10 years later came Polaris. I wonder if that cadet every thought "I was right."

[BEagle]

Is it a measure of today's PPRuNe that, whereas the original thread was full of many humorous tales of military mis-statements, all that seems to of interest nowadays is the defecating habits of Royal Marines?

Or is this thread actually rather an accurate barometer of current military morale?

[typerated]

I was once sent to Vickers in Barrow to do some work on Trident in about 89 I think. At the time they were on strike so there wasn't much to do.
One day we arranged a tour of one the nuclear attack subs.
Our guide was a Captain and was explaining the plan for the day. "nice one mate" says I. Our Captain then explained in uncertain terms that I was not his "mate" and I should use much appropriate language to address higher lifeforms or ....
In a perfect example of comedy timing, my offsider Dave, pipes up "Got that -Righto Chief :ok:"


Our Captain almost blew a fuse while Dave and I could not look at each other for the rest of the day for fear of bursting into giggles.


happy days

[goudie]

"nice one mate" says I.

On a similar note
First day at Hednesford, DI's milling around we hapless recruits, shouting out various orders. I find myself in a queue, eventually arrive at a table where guys are filling in forms and I say to the corporal ''got a pen mate?''.
'MATE, MATE! I'M NOT YOUR F***ING MATE! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?''
He didn't forget it either!
Relatively speaking, the corporal was probably more terrifying than the Captain.:eek:

[mad_jock]

We had a nutter in our induction that was hard as nails.

He said to one of the Cpls " I suppose your nickname is ginger bollocks then?"

Resulting in mirth from the other training NCO's and a small nuclear explosion.

Strange thing was he never really stopped coming out with stuff like that. He must have done 10's of thousands of press ups due to speaking the first thing that came into his head. We counted one day 500 press-ups.

He was an ultimate professional with field craft and mil skills.

It actually became a point with the head sheds because he used to cheer their day up no end. So the NCO's trying to keep him away from them and them wanting to see him for the S and Giggles of what he would come out with next.

Everyone knew he wasn't meaning to be disrespectful he just managed it in usually a hilarious manner.

He even told the training Major he had missed a bit on his bald patch while camming up. Completely straight face and completely confused why some people were pissing themselves laughing and others appeared to want his blood. The Major just said "thank you young man for spotting that and giving me something for my speech at my daughters wedding at the weekend"

It surprised us all how someone could be so technically intelligent in regards to mil skills and tactics but so utterly clueless with what came out his mouth as comments.

[26er]

I don't have time to check back through 48 pages to see if this has been previously reported.


I know the guy who reputedly made this remark and though I tell it second hand it is totally believable. Our man, a pilot on 92 Sqn (the Blue Diamonds) had performed at an air display for King Hussein and was watching a Lightning solo aeros effort which ended up catastrophically for the aircraft and pilot and commented "that bugger borrowed five pounds from me last night".

[Fonsini]

Our man, a pilot on 92 Sqn (the Blue Diamonds) had performed at an air display for King Hussein and was watching a Lightning solo aeros effort which ended up catastrophically for the aircraft and pilot and commented "that bugger borrowed five pounds from me last night".

Do you remember when this was or any other details, just curious about the incident.

[Dan Winterland]

Early Septmeber one year, one of the Sqn Navs asked if he could bring his father in law to the Battle of Britain cocktail party, as FOL had actually flown in the BoB. "Of Course!" was the obvious answer.

On the evening, the Staish was keen to meet the short notice guest of honour, saw an old gentleman in a tweed jacket standing next to the Nav, rushed up holding out his hand and saying, "Pleased to meet you, I understand you flew in the Battle of Britain!"

"Ja - mein name is Hans - pleased to meet you too" was the reply.



(Nav met his wife on a tour at Bruggen. Her dad was a He111 bomb aimer/gunner).

[Sillyporep]

Ooh, my first post, wish me luck!


RAF Thorney Island mid 70's, as a young impressionable airman I am amazed at the liberties that one of the older SAC's (lets call him Jones) takes with the section F/Sgt. It culminates in a request to go to the bank one Friday lunchtime, which is granted. That afternoon SAC Jones is nowhere to be found. Monday morning the F/Sgt wanders in "Jones where the F**k were you on Friday afternoon?" "I went to the bank Flight, as you said I could" "all afternoon?" Deadpan reply "me bank's in Bristol flight"

[Pontius Navigator]

Silly,:D, welcome.

[Cornish Jack]

Valley, mid 60s, Sgts' Mess, mid winter. At bar, regular, misogynistic bachelor Pay Accounts Scottish F Sgt. Enters local 'lady' in latest 'pussy pelmet' style dress and with her bouffant hair-do covered in silver sparkly substance. One of bar supporters queries "Is that snow on your hair, Xxxxx?" Instant intervention from Jock " Och no, that's hoar frost!" ... I don't think she got it!!:E

[nimbev]

In the 60's having a tour of the BMEWS site at Thule - the most modern in the chain. At 'J' site on the hill way above the airfield. Four gigantic fixed arrays standing on edge, each the size of a football field, a dome containing a 150 ton scanner which could move at 32degrees/sec and stop deadbeat. Miles of interconnecting tunnels with underground roadways and waveguides each about 3ft by 18 inches in size running along the roof. Gigantic magnetrons and switching components the size of a small shed. All incredibly impressive. At the end of the tour the guide asks for questions. Silence from the course. Embarrassed silence. Then one of the DS saves us - 'What time does the BX shut?'

[Dan Winterland]

A new C130 crew arrive in the South Atlantic and soon after, are tasked with their first maritime patrol. They spot a ship, the Nav needs to record the name in the log and implies the Co-Pilot to do his best with the binoculars. The Co has a bit of a problem with that while bouncing around in the turbulence, but finally manages to read it and the Nav dutifully records the name Nosmo King.

Doh!

http://img1.photographersdirect.com/img/15363/wm/pd2231406.jpg

[Fonsini]

Having just finished his autobiography I'll borrow a couple of David Niven's brown job stories.

In the inter-war years as a young officer Niven was instructed to attend a training presentation on the latest version of the Vickers machine gun, the training session was delivered by a stuffy old WWI officer who droned endlessly on about fields of fire and aiming point deflection. After several hours of this he finally wrapped up his presentation and asked if there were any questions - Niven raised his hand and asked "yes, do you have the time sir, you see I have a train to catch".

He was placed under close arrest for that little crack with the threat of a Court Martial - his "guard" allowed him to escape and Niven resigned his commission by letter that same day and left to pursue his acting career in the US, later returning to the UK to fight in WWII of course.

Following his return he volunteered for "special duties" at a training base in Scotland, duties which turned out to be a fledgling commando unit. His "recreation" took the form of a rather buxom Danish model living in London - having been given a 72 hour pass he sent her the following telegram "am on my way, will be bringing secret weapon with me, be ready". As he arrived outside the door of her flat 2 rather large gentlemen in hats and long coats appeared from the shadows and asked him to accompany them to the station. He was locked in an interview room and asked why he was discussing "secret weapons" with a foreign national and potential Nazi sympathiser, he explained that "oh this isn't about secret weapons old chap, it's about f()#king !!".

[charliegolf]

On 33 Sqn, we used to fly in the mountains near Landsberg in Bavaria, which as everyone knows is demanding and only for the steely-eyed. Wherever it was, each detachment required a long, serious briefing beforehand.

A squadron wheel is giving the brief, and leads off with, "Right, let's start with a recap of the most dangerous alpine hazards." Silence. "Come on, someone!"

From the back, plenty audible, "Julie Andrews, Sir?" Pointless carrying on!:D

I have a suspicion the guilty party is a three-letter abbreviation who frequents this site.

CG

[Skeleton]

Lossie, late 70's. Formal dinner in the Sgt's mess. Harry who was black as the ace of spades was there and well known for his whit, he confirmed the following exchange.

Loudmouth - "So Harry, imagine this scene 100 years ago, you could well have been my slave"

Harry's retort "Agreed, and you may well have been my dinner"

Loudmouth left, Harry got lot's of beer!!

[SirToppamHat]

Nice to see this thread emerge from the dusty catacombs! For those not previously sighted, it's worth going back to Page 1 - Oh and 'The 1 Group Dining-in Night' is also well worth a read.

STH

[MOSTAFA]

Military est NE of D147 - I answered my phone with the the usual '* Flt, OC' and this chap said, I'm VCDS, are you Captain ********? Nice try says I, now fuc* off I'm busy.

Phone rings again..... I'm not sure who you are but I'm Air Chief Marshall Sir **** ****** and I want to speak to, Yeh says I, do me a favour and stop fu**ing around, I'm busy, click.

5 minutes later phone rings again this time it's my boss - do me favour Ste** for fuc**ake speak to the Vice Chief of the Defence Staff. Errrrr ok.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

I recall a letter, apparently from the RAF CMO, directing a certain student to proceed to the Med Centre as part of a survey of g-suit fitments, which involved the length of his member being taken (by the lady doc) whilst wearing nothing but a g-suit below the waist.
Said student was a tad suspicious, and decided to call the CMO in London direct, to be on the wrong end of a "How DARE you question my orders?" 'conversation', and having his name and unit demanded.
Two minutes later, the CMO is on the phone to Sqn Ops.
"Nice one Lads, what's the story?"
What a player. We sent him a copy of the photo, taken by the guy who leapt from behind the screens as the ruler was being used.

Addendum: Some time later, in preparation for an important visit, the Boss instructed a junior stude to "remove all incriminating evidence" from the Sqn line book. The VIP was, thankfully, amused (and the Boss appalled) to find the picture still there, but with the face whited out with tippex.

[Danny42C]

There was an old hairy story on those lines:

P/O Bloggs gets on blower to roast some underling at Group. Call goes to wrong extension, but Bloggs does not twig and launches into his spiel.

Deadly silence, then: "Do you know who you're talking to? This is the AOC !" :eek:..... "Do you know who you're talking to, Sir? ..... "NO!!!".... "Thank God! "... (rings off).

(This, of course, was in the Good Old days, when the girls said: "Number, please", and a call couldn't easily be traced).

D.

[Warmtoast]

As told to me by the NCO i/c the safety equipment store:

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."

[Danny42C]

Two more from Long Ago:

One, in my Post P.194, #3870 on the "Gaining a Pilot's Brevet..." Thread (currently in the doldrums in Page 2):

"There was worse to come. Although the Squadron's Ground Party was flown out and back in a Hastings (probably), the coffin came home separately in a Dakota. Of course, the sad reception ceremony was held in the (Thornaby) Mess, as it was only for the mourners and 608's private grief, so everyone else stayed away.

We have all had moments in our lives when some unguarded words have slipped out, and we wished the earth might open and swallow us up. The young man was very recently married, his desolate widow thanked the Dakota pilot for bringing him home. "It was a pleasure", blurted this poor devil (he'll live with that to his dying day!)".

Two, in one of my Posts somewhere (but can't find it now - happens frequently, particularly one or other of my three pairs of specs), so from memory:

Decades ago, it so happened that at certain RAF station (Can't remember which one, but she was the Honorary Air Commodore of RAF Cottesmore), Princess Alexandra of Kent paid an official visit. The duty red carpet was hoovered, all was made ready for the great day, and the Princess duly arrived with her entourage, flanked by the AOC with his.

To recover from the rigours of the journey, they all repaired to the Mess for light refreshment. Now, to celebrate the visit, one of the resident Squadrons had planned a display that afternoon, in which they would do a fly past in a "P" with "A" formation in her honour. This was supposed to be a secret, but somehow the Princess had got wind of (some of) it. So when the (rather nervous) Squadron Commander was introduced to her in the anteroom, she brightly put him at ease with: "Wing Commander, I believe your boys are going to do an "A" for me after lunch"..... "Yes, Ma'am", said this unhappy wretch, and then, before he could check himself, "And we're going to do a "P" for you, too".

For a long second everyone froze in horror. The Station Commander went pale. The AOC's brow grew black as thunder. The Ladies in Waiting and the wives gasped. Then the Princess threw back her head and roared with laughter. Of course, everone joined in (but the AOC and Station Commander with gritted teeth).

What happened to him ? Don't know, but he won't forget that day in a hurry!

Moral: Don't let your mouth in before your brain's in gear! :=

Danny.

[hunterboy]

Love the story...but the sycophancy of supposed leaders of men in the face of minor royals does fill me with despair. Maybe I should get with the programme?

[Wander00]

Commodore of large and significant Yacht Club: "How do I greet the Princess Royal? (our Patron)." "Good afternoon, Your Royal Highness!" would do"


"How do I greet the Lord Lieutenant (of Hampshire, at that time a woman)?"
" Depends on how well you know her Commodore, but I get (a kiss on) both cheeks"


Long hard look from Commodore!

[BEagle]

Wander00 wrote:

" Depends on how well you know her Commodore, but I get (a kiss on) both cheeks"

Reminds me of the tale about Churchill being urged by some diplomat to coddle de Gaulle's pride with flattery. WSC is said to have agreed: "I'll kiss him on both cheeks - or, if you prefer, on all four'....:ooh:

[Danny42C]

hunterboy,

'Fraid we all stil "Love a Lord". It's in the genes after a thousand years of feudalism !

D.


BEagle,

Churchill also mused, post war, that the heaviest cross he'd had to bear in the conflict was the Cross of Lorraine !

D.

[posso]

As told to me by one who was there, a few years back...the place one of England's off shore islands.


A noted local dignitary was normally the chosen one to meet and greet visiting Royals.
With a forthcoming visit in mind an invite was given to land the royal chopper at his private airstrip near the coast...pop in for tiffin and all that. This was deemed a grand idea..pass on the airfield details to 'my chaps' etc.


Said local dig duly passed on the coordinates from his newly acquired hand held GPS.


Come the day in question the chopper hove into view right on time, landed at the appointed spot. Party disembarked, much shaking of hands doffing of forelocks etc.


When it came to the pilots turn to meet the local dig, conversation went thus..


Local dig, Managed to find the place okay then?


Pilot, Yes, but just as well I did not land at the f***ing ordinates that you gave us.


Local dig, Why??


Pilot, Because we would have landed in the sea 3 miles out in the English Channel!


Local dig went off to read the GPS instruction book.

[Exnomad]

No doubt other people rememered. When HRH Charles was learing to fly. I was pottering about in Chipmunks. HRH had areas defined as "purple airways" so that nobody bumped into him.

[chiglet]

"Purple Airway" were the norm. I got a rollicking for not inputting a Royal Flight Plan correctly.
The RPL was from Newcastle to Northolt. NO Airway [then] between NEW and Pole Hill [joining airways]. In the ATC computer we used a "tailoring symbol" [ ./. ] so the a/c was zero timed to Pole Hill. What I SHOULD have done was to use an "En Route" symbol [ .. ] so that the NEW..POL time was calculated.
Auntie Betty duly leaves NEW and is departed in the computer.....
unfortunately it takes the departure time as the ARRIVAL time at POL...... in an Andover, about 27 mins. London Centre went ballistic! Fortunately the error was [very] quickly corrected.

[Danny42C]

Was a laddie in a Harvard long, long ago. Did not hold with NOTAMS and all that sort of nonsense.

Sees this beautiful red Andover chugging along, hauls alongside and takes a good look at it.

May have come out of the Tower in recent years. Don't know.

D.

[NutLoose]

Similar...chugging along in a Puma and we espied a Wessex ahead, closing rapidly it slowly dawns on the crew that it is red and Royal, much swearing and a rapid turning descent ensues with much prayers said that no one saw us.

[Pontius Navigator]

Having travelled through all 50 pages I haven't seen this one:

Victor bomber, usual 20 West borex to test all the jammers.

Crew swop places:

"What's this black and yellow handle for?"

"Don't know, pull it and see?"

The rest of the flight was conducted on oxygen. Courts Martial followed including the engineers (IIRC) as the canopy hadn't ejected.

[Pontius Navigator]

Nice to see this thread emerge from the dusty catacombs! For those not previously sighted, it's worth going back to Page 1 - Oh and 'The 1 Group Dining-in Night' is also well worth a read.

STH
The link

http://www.pprune.org/military-aircrew/48124-1-gp-dining-night-waddington.html

[teeteringhead]

Similar...chugging along in a Puma and we espied a Wessex ahead, closing rapidly it slowly dawns on the crew that it is red and Royal, much swearing and a rapid turning descent ensues with much prayers said that no one saw us. Reminds one of a dit from 1982.

72 Sqn, recently (after a mere 12 years or so of 50% detachments) had become residents in Norn Iron. And we were then told we were "going South" - with the war very much still on.

Cue an amazing effort - particularly from the ginger-beers - to prepare for an open-ended operational detachment. NI was still "interesting" so we couldn't prepare from there. 33 came across to replace us for NI tasking, and we had replaced them in support of 5 Bde (?) on Op CORPORATE. (Someone had finally realised that the Pume's undercarriage was not best suited to deck operations.....!). Idea was to move to Benson to work up for as long as we could before embarkation.

Emotional departure from ALDZ for a coupla dozen Wessi - I was convinced I wouldn't be coming back after I strolled nonchalently to my steed to be delayed briefly by a firm handshake from the Padre and a snog from OC WRAF (better than the other way round I guess .....).

We'd authorised overweight (MAUM 14 000 lb) running takeoffs for all, but that still didn't stop the boss -T*** N******** - from wiring the married patch on our way out. Interesting manouevre at those weights..... :eek::eek:

It was a Bank Holiday weekend, so we also wired the Village fete adjacent to the secret Shropshire helicopter base. Lots of friendly waving, I guess everyone knew where we (thought we!) were going.

Heading South through the Marches, someone called a contact on a reciprocal heading - same-ish height.

"Rotary, 12 o'clock level"

Intercomm chat as follows.......

"Looks like a Wessex......"

"Can't be - the Navy have gone South already, can't be Shawbs cos it's a weekend - there's only us....."

"It's a red Wessex .............."

"Sh*t - who checked the NOTAMS ........???"

But it was only a positioning flight (phew!!), and we got a chatty:

"Good luck , and keep yer heads down" on the common freq as we passed ......

[Wander00]

S'pose it would include a certain Cranwell Commandant in a Pet Provost (you all remember the cartoon in Air Clues after a misprint) who called "Finals, 3 Greens" at Cranwell, but landed at Barkston!

[27mm]

As did a Valley sqn cdr back in the 70s; landed at Sleap, thinking it was Shawbs, having made all the right calls. I'll give a clue: it was when we had several guys on the Gnat wing with colours for surnames; Brown, Black, Green etc.

[Danny42C]

Danny did it too, called "Finals, three greens" at Thornaby, landed at Middleton St George.

Well, the vis was appalling, and they were only six miles apart ! :*

D.

[Wander00]

I know, but Cranwell and Barkston- with that funny white building to the North..................


Mind you, one misty night I was on finals and mistook Watton High Street lighting for the approach lights


And there was the guy at the Towers who used to make his call "Finals, 1, 2, 3 green lights".
Tower - "E... C...., land"

[Danny42C]

In the good ol' US of A, we used to say: "On the Base, Rollers and Draggers in Place !" :ok:

D.

[smujsmith]

In the 90s, as GW1 was drawing to a close, a Hercules C130k from Lyneham called finals into a well known military airbase in Turkey. Their arrival at a well known civilian airport was greeted with some surprise. There were some "rolling eyeballs" at Lyneham when the news arrived as the navigator on the flight was the senior crew member on board (I believe the navigator) was the station commander. With Danny42c's comments I suspect that little changed over the intervening period.

Smudge:ok:

[Exascot]

Just spent four days working through this thread - brilliant.

Trouble is where does one start. Also with recent reference to Purple Airspace most of my stories come from that 'space' and can't be told.

OK I'll start with PM into Edinburgh, she had arrived at LHR 20 mins late. Asked for a direct route to make doors time. Granted. Asked for visual appoach. Granted. Asked to keep speed up downwind. Granted. ATC told Speedbird ahead to keep speed up as there was a high speed VVIP arrival behind him. He asked what speed, was told 320 kts, he elected to go around behind us. Came screaming around the corner onto finals clean. Dropped gear and flap at the last minute landed on time. Then Turnhouse parked us in a different place that we had disscussed and we were five minutes early on doors time. I tore into ops and told Wg Cdr Ops and the Stn Cdr exactly what I thought of them. This resulted in a personal hand written letter to my Stn Cdr and a hat off cup of tea and biccies with him. 'I agree with you Sqn Ldr Exascot' :ok: Glad I said that.

Oh forgot to mention my battered SD hat. He put it in his waste paper bin. I said if he did that I would have to wear my second best one so was allowed to retrieve it.

I think everyone was relieved when I retired.

[Pontius Navigator]

This is definitely an I Wish

Buccanner nav - 8-ship - fly through the HPZ enough route from Norway to Lossie . At the subsequent inquiry "What HPZ"

CO, later to be Sir Sandy Curtains, can see his Star flying out the window and w as apoplectic. He ordered ALL aircrew, SAR crew, Shack backenders, Jag mates, and of course the Buccs, where we all received a mass rollicking. This much to the amusement of all except the Buccs when Sir also said something he might not have wished.

"Do anything like that again and you will be a permanent wing man. How we laughed. . . when he was out of earshot.

[Rossian]

.....as a Nimrod backender along with a couple of my trusty MAeoPs we were accompanying an Acturus crew on a guided tour of the East Shetland basin trying out their new bits of kit to large-ish area surfsurv.

Job done Ok let's go home.

In the galley making a cup of coffee I hear the phrase "Why don't we just wazz by this oilrig?"

"No!!!!" Rush forward clutching an en route chart only to see as I pass the Tacco's desk, the riig legs at about 50 feet outboard of the port wing tip and the same height above the water. A fast explanation of HPZs followed with advice "Let's piss off at low level an get the F*** out of the HPZ, eh?" "EH?" added because they were Canucks.

Womble westwards towards homeplate looking innocent and after a brief climb call ABZ for clearance back home. "On landing aircraft captain IS to call Aberdeen with an explanation as to why HPZ xyz was violated etcetcetc" Oooer missus!

An appropriate bollocking was delivered and lessons were learned - primarily that North Sea oilfields were a tad different from wide open Canadian airspace.

The Ancient Mariner

[Pontius Navigator]

Which brings to mind a Tapestry sortie, bumbling along at MOA, checking rigs etc. Helo en route to rig calls asking for cloud base as he was VM on top.

Hmmmm, what to say?

"Er, about 200 feet or so"

"Ah, think I'll knock it off today as the pad will be IM."

We eased away before knocking it off ourselves.

[John Eacott]

Then again, some of us were based on the rigs and doing shuttle work as long as we had a base above 100ft. One finger waves to wayward crabs was something we did since 90% of us were ex FAA, anyway :p

[MPN11]

ah, Exascot, the never-ending hat saga.

Mine lasted from commissioning in 65 until somewhen in the late 80's a 4* message was passed to me not to wear it again. I wore it on my last day in 94 whilst clearing ;)