I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...

[Jimmenycricket]

Not really I wish I hadn't said that, but funny all the same. Unfortunately, the website prevents copying it's text, so here is the site.

http://www.joke-archives.com/apps/mcdonnelldouglassurvey.html

[attackattackattack]

Jimmeny

Highlight all. Ctl + C, Ctl + V ;)

[richlear]

Can't remember whether Mike V or Grumpy Pete M told this story ..but anyway..

Young Fg Off walking up the hill at St Mawgan in torrential rain, with no hat to avoid it being blown off. Stn Cdrs car goes past & stops. Young Fg Off runs to car, opens door and says "Thanks very much for stopping to give me a lift Sir - staish replies " get your fu&k*ng hat on!"

[16 blades]

Albert doing VIP lift fron hot & sandy place to certain well-heeled gulf country. PM & Mrs PM on flt deck & on headset.

The Nav, spotting a Gulf Air / Emirates 747 just landing:

"Eh up, the f@nny bowser's here"

Colour drains from capt's face as he tries to disappear up his own @rsehole, as Mrs PM gives the Nav a knowing smirk!

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Linton crewroom, usual winter hyper-fog, bored studes. Talk is of jobs outside the mob - it\'s shortly after Options For Shafting, and the airlines are recruiting again. One young Plt Off answers the telephone. The conversation we could hear went something like this:

Ring Ring....

P/O: "BA Recruiting office!.............errrr, no, no, Sir, this IS the X Sqn crewroom, err......sorry Sir, just a little crewroom joke, sorry sorry, crawl, grovel, ...." etc etc.

Caller was an Air Chief Marshall, wishing to speak to his son who was on BFT at the time.............

[JessTheDog]

A certain OC Admin, dining out from the RAF at a certain station some years ago, giving his speech...

(paraphrase) "...And I'd like to say thanks to Fg Off (Female), the Adj with the Vag..."

Cue much shock and uproar!

OC A had heard the term used in the bar, noted the associated humour but did not know the exact meaning! He was a grizzled veteran of many years and the speech had some excellent and highly amusing stories, usually with himself as the protagonist.

The Adj was the recipient of a bunch of flowers after OC A realised what the term meant!

[buoy15]

Attack cubed

Quickest way is to add to favourites then send favourite by e-mail

Regards Buoy15

[BANANASBANANAS]

Not so much of "I wish I hadn't said that" but more of a "I wish I hadn't written that."

I left the RAF in 92 and spent almost 2 years out of aviation and eventually decided to see if I could rejoin so was composing a suitable grovelling letter to send to their airships.


Part of what the officer meant to write was "Should this application to rejoin the RAF be successful I will do so with a hard won (start new page)


sense of appreciation .....etc.


Unfortunately I missed the "w" off the won and the last line of page one read

"Should this application to rejoin the RAF be successful I will do so with a hard on"

Laugh! I nearly bought a round.

[BEagle]

In the early days of inter-office e-mail, my brother's secretary-to-be was surprised to read "Dear Miss *****. I understand that you will shortly be joining me as my new secretary. I look forward to working with you, my pen is poised!"

Unfortunately the space between pen and is had been left out......

Or so he claimed!

[chiglet]

Passing out parade, RAF Innsworth. Due to the small nubers of recruits, we did the parade in the hangar. All went well intil the final "Line, by the centre" etc towards the dias [and doting parents] The Flight Cndr gave the "Halt" on the wrong foot......in the following silence we ALL heard the DS mutter "Wrong f*****ng foot the you stupid Tw*t"
watp,iktch

[InTgreen]

ILS's at Brize while still a stude, sortie going well for me and air trfficer alike - the type with a sultry voice that you just have to imagine she looks a little like a goddess..... Anyhoo, some Harrier boys join the fun with callsign 'Blackbox'. Poor grilie trafficer can't keep the giggle out of her voice for the next 20 min...... The harrier mates have the manners to apologise for the callsign as they depart ... then an unidetified person quips ' but it's not as bad as gingerbox.......
:p Instructor didn't notice much for the rest of the sortie... still wiping tears from the eyes!!!

[InTgreen]

Apologies if this one has already been raised, but in the line book of one of the Shawbury Squadrons is a gem....

Beefer to stude- 'all I want you to do is a spot turn, turning about the tail, keeping the tail on the white line....'

Stude (looking incredulous) to Beefer- 'Sir, it's a cyclic stick, not a fuc%$ng magic wand!!!'

Awesome......:ok:

[Capt. Joe Public]

Best SATCO the airfield has seen in many years, sat in a meeting at SHQ. Our hero, who's as bald as a coot, is sat next to a particularly pompous S/L. The other side of the S/L is a similarly bald chap. As the meeting draws to a close......

S/L: Well I must just say that sitting between these two is like sitting between two @rse cheeks!!!

SATCO: And we all know what sits between two @rse cheeks, sir!

[Carnage]

Picture the scene: A well known air base near a cool pool recently, Boss rings ATC to ask about the JBI for the obviously icy runway... ATC replies "Can't tell you, I'm afraid the JBI truck has just slid off the runway..." DOH!!:confused:

[charliegolf]

Mid 80's, RW Sqn crewroom, RAFG.

In connection with the then latest Westland POS, the WG 30, the company were unofficially canvassing opinions as to a suitable name.

They wanted a 'W' name, to follow the Whirly, Wessex, and even Wapiti I suppose- aliterative and stuff...

Big, seemingly perpetualy grumpy jock pilot pipes up, "The Wardrobe!"

Suitable sucker asks why Wardrobe? (also aliterative)

"Cos just like the furniture, when there's anything in the f%^&er you can't shift it!"

Mekks me laff

[ImageGear]

Strong Express, early 70's,

50/50 Britannia with Pax & Pallets returning to Blighty.

Lines up, drops brakes and goes.

Halfway down the runway, chops power, full reverse, stands on brakes and exits stage right.

Onboard Techy leaps to the hatch in the floor at the cockpit door and disappears below with a large adjustable
spanner. Bang, Bang, Bang sound of spanner hitting metal, Brit by now taxing across the ramp in hopes of a relaunch.

At the hold, Techy reappears from the nether regions and announces to driver "Can we try that again".

Cue 25-30 pax NNNNNOOOOOOOooooooooo.

We launched with the Techy's feet dangling in the hole in the floor with periodic looks below to see that the bits were still together.

The climbout over the mountains was thought provoking. :ooh:

Imagegear

[dopeonarope]

Sunday drinks in the mess at Stornoway. Bristow SAR Boys and RAF mingling getting rather drunk when Chief Pilot says "Party at my house who wants to go?" "how are we gonna get there?" My wife (secretary at Bristows) says to her boss "You can come in my pocket if you want!" You had to be there but CP is a vertically challenged person.


Hoist to crew winching over and out!

[ScapegoatisaSolution]

Out with one of our contractors for lunch at a local pub. Both of us eyed the Specials board and saw a dish that conjured up memories of childhood and home-cooked meals. Salivating at the thought of this dish we waited for the waitress to return with the Nostalga-special. We should have twigged something was up after seeing her having difficulty in keeping a straight face as she left the kitchen. She marched into the middle of the room and in a loud voice said "Which two of you are the Faggots?"

Lesson...hard way...

Didn't taste likes Brains either.

(For the younger reader Faggots used to be a wholesome dish wrapped in a very nice silver foil tray)

[jimgriff]

During a display to local dignitaries (young lady Mayor) of some new thermal imaging kit on a chopper one of the crew standing around in the hanger put a condom filled with hot water down the left leg of his flying suit having tied it to his undies.

Lady Mayor didnt leave his side all afternoon having spied this chaps thermal image on the screen in said helo.:}

[ShyTorque]

<Big, seemingly perpetualy grumpy jock pilot pipes up, "The Wardrobe!">

Blackie up to his tricks? :p

[BackfromIraq]

In Germany on exchange a few years ago, I lived on the same barracks as a cavalry regt.

One saturday morning I drove onto the barracks past a guy walking along with his young son weaving around on his stabilised bike. I drove up to the other Battalion's mess (where I lived) and then jogged down to the NAAFI to pick up the saturday papers:

Other bloke: I say, were you the hooligan who sped past myself and my son. You could have killed us both.

Me: To be fair, I was well over to the other side of the road, and it would have taken a significant effort for you to jump under my wheels.

OB: who the hell are you anyway?

Me: I'm Blah Blah, one of the Blahs. Who are you?

OB: I'm Johnny Triple-Barrelled-Name, I'm one of the Squadron Commanders here.

Me: Oh really, what do you fly? I didn't think we had any RAF aircraft east of Bruggen.

I departed at speed towards the NAAFI, leaving said Major scratching his head.

I hope I reach that level of banter again before I die!

[Gainesy]

Posted before but lost in the server crash a couple of years back:

Honington tower 1975-6ish.

Sprog ATC Fg Off wanders into crewroom and looks inside kettle which is full of limescale:

"Anybody know how to de-fur this kettle?".

J/T Paddy McFerran, (in Belfast accent): " Tell it to fack off till Tuesday".

[allan907]

Ahhh... the memories - George Blackie. Remember one occasion at Benson when he was letting me play with his Wessex (Blunties day out!). The hover was a particularly tricky maneouvre which, as an administrator, I couldn't quite get the hang of and was wildly over-correcting. George, to anyone who was listening, spake thus: "It's all in the wrist. Just imagine you're having a w*nk!"

[teeteringhead]

Aaah Blackie!

Was with him at Shawbs doing a pre-NI Wessex refresher. 'Twas this time of year, prolly 84 or 85. Lots of Christmas drinks, GB and self bemoaning the baby pilots talking about mortgages, pensions, wives etc etc

GB: Ach Teeters, d'ye mind the time we were fg offs taegether at Odiham?

TH: Yes George.

GB: And if ye couldna eat it, drink it, fly it or fcuk it, ye didna talk to it or aboot it!

...and then there was the time when GB was an IRE on the OCU and we committed the cardinal sin of "drinking on the forecast" the night before my IRT! But the flying was sooooo smooooth and gentle!!

[BUMPFF]

In the RAF of the 1950s and 60s I was privileged to serve with a lot of foreign and commonwealth colleagues – French, Polish, Czech, Chinese, Burmese, West Indian, African, all of whom had come to our aid in the dark days in the 30s and 40s and had all the WW2 medal ribbons.

One or two tales:

Flt Lt. Eddie Choy was a Formosan pilot, flying Lincolns, a charming man who once said, “One day we’ll run restaurants in this dump!”
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Flight Sergeant George Matejski was a Polish pilot. His casual acknowledgement to any instruction, whether on the ground or in the air, was “Ochki Dochki!” (Okay in English). With three of the four engines feathered, his fly-pasts at BofB shows were truly memorable. When hauled over the coals his response would be, “I got back from Germany on less than that. In a Wellington.”

---------------------------------------------------
Pete Holc (name shortened from its yard-long original) was a Czech signaller who had married a Bradford girl during WW2. Of one particularly obnoxious Canadian member of a Hastings squadron, he remarked, in his charming Bradford-Czech accent, “Ze trobble viz zat blowke, he ain’t bluddy British…”
------------------------------------------------------------

[normski]

Not Military but very funny!

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told b by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Normski

[anguspm]

Remedial early morning PT post medical downgrading. This consisted of the "chicken run" (so named for the beautifully smelling battery that you pass) at Middle Wallop followed by the Hard arsed PTI´s giving you all sorts happy cheery how good it is to be fit lines. Of course this is wholly appreciated when the brain still hasn´t got out of sleep mode.....

Anyway, after one particularly greuling run the PTI decides to show a little sympathy:

PTI: Ok that was a good run. Now if each of you tell me where you feel the pain first I´ll be able to decide what form of exercise is best for you.

1st person: Legs

PTI: Ok, you need to build up these muscles therefore exercise bike and lower limb weights.

2nd person: Lungs

PTI: Ok, your aerobic capacity is low so more running and swimming for you.

Me: Ar5e

PTI: What! What do you mean "Ar5e"?

Me: Well its pretty fu(king sore, I´ve been breathing out of it the last 3 miles!

PTI takes it as a joke but then gets all serious again and tries to be sympathetic:

I had the same problem before doing the booty course!

Que parade over!

[airborne_artist]

Scene: late 50s on one of HM's shiny destroyers in early December, alongside at Portsmouth.

A young, but married Lt. has been pestered by his wife to go Xmas shopping in London, so he approaches the Captain and asks him for a day's leave. Captain asks why, "to take my wife shopping" - Captain explodes, words to the effect of if she can't carry her own bags she's spent too much.

Another Lt. (my father), also newly married, had the same request, also needed to take new wife shopping. Heard the explosion, and approached the Captain, who asks why, "I'd like to visit my stockbroker, Sir, we've some things to discuss". Captain "Certainly, thought for a second you wanted to take your wife shopping, never heard of anything so ridiculous."

[1984]

From an F3 crew during engineering debrief:

"...Oh and there's a couple of knobs missing from the cockpit"

Yep, I can see....;)

[BEagle]

I went through the Vickers FunBus OCU with a total ar$e of a Wg Cdr, known as Phnomh Penh L*n who was taking over the reins of the 'other' sqn. He made the course less enjoyable than it should have been, trying to push fellow students around and generally throwing his weight about..

One of his habits was to volunteer others to don LSJs, operate the MS26 etc down at Mountbatten "Flt Lt Bloggs will demo the LSJ" etc.

Come the AMTC, we even apologised to the staff for his obnoxious manner. "Don't worry chaps, we've come across bigger w@nkers than him", they assured us.

Then it was time for the disorientation chamber. "A volunteer please?" said the Kiwi skyquack. Before Phnomh Penh L*n could manage it, the doc carried on "Ah - looks like you're being volunteered, Sir" to him.

"I know just who did that - and he's lucky he's not coming to MY squadron"

"Yeah - I'm quite sure he'd agree with you there, Sir. Now would you get into the box, please?"

Much spluttering and protestation from PPL - who then made a complete cock of the disorientation trainer session!


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A different pompous senior officer on a SORF course at Leeming. Goes flying on the first trip of the day, comes back into crew room.

"Cup of tea, Sir?" enquires the QFI.
"Yes, please"
There is much rummaging around in the coffee bar, fridge etc followed by a curse or two. "Sorry - do you mind coffee mate?"
"Now look. Just because I'm a student on a course, there is no call for familiarity. I am a senior officer and expect normal standards of respect, young man"
"All right then, Sir. There's no f*****g milk, Sir, do you mind Coffeemate in your tea, Sir!....."

Much tittering from the rest of us.....

[teeteringhead]

Speaking of pompous senior officers....

CFS(H) Course in late 1970s, FHT time. Very laid back exchange USAF mate down for FHT with CFI.

USAF Mate: What do you want me to call you during the trip sir?
CFI: Just treat me as you would a normal basic student.
USAF Mate: OK Ronnie baby, you all come along with me and I'll teach you to flaaaaay!

Collapse of pompous CFI....

[stiknruda]

I was holding on 617 in the v early eighties at Scampton. Stringy Vest and I were the only two livers-in and most evenings we'd pop into the scruffs for an ale or two.

One evening, there was a well dressed female who was probably in her late thirties, standing at the bar. We introduced ourselves and started chatting. It transpired that she was married to an MOD civillian who was doing some blunty-work on the station.

"My husband is Wg Cdr status."

For the rest ofthe week that she was there, she was referred to as Mrs Status.

[grobace]

GICASI's tale of firing the radalt up reminds me of the comment of an F4 nav (now deceased, God rest his soul) at groundschool many moons ago. The topic was stern high-flyers. Said nav reckoned that the way to get extra height in extremis in order to kill Ivan was to jettison the canopy and utilise the 10,000ft plus of aerodynamic suck! He couldn't understand why the rest of the squadron fell about in fits.

[beerdrinker]

Mrs Staus story reminds me of Caribean holiday a while ago.

Invite to Managers cocktail party arrives in room addressed to Mr Bloggs and Company.

All wives thereafter known as "company"

[BEagle]

"I was holding on 617 in the v early eighties at Scampton. Stringy Vest and I were the only two livers-in and most evenings we'd pop into the scruffs for an ale or two."

Ah - so that's who you are!

At the infamous Bucc OCU so-called 'Arrival Drinks' for our course - and was in reality a staff pi$$-up whilst they largely ignored the 6 of us - the Wg Cdr's wife had the temerity to say to the wife of one of our number "And which course are you on?" as she peered haughtily down her nose at her.

Big mistake. BIG! Because the girl in question was a fiery Scot with little time for pompous fools. So she gave said Wg Cdr's wife a few choice words indeed. Funnily enough though, her hubby was the only one of the first tourists on our course to graduate!

[BTDTGTTShirt]

VHF chat over the pond many years ago.
American Airlines trying to pass position report before the days of data link on HF to Gander but no xmit. Calls up on victor asking for a relay which, funny old thing, falls on deaf ears. Just then Birdseed Concord makes his report on HF which AA hears.
Chat on victor goes like this.
AA Say Concord can you do a position relay to Gander for me?
Concord (Sounding pi$$ed off) OK Send
AA Position blah .
Concord Sends to Gander then instructs American to call at 40 W
AA Say sir will you be able to make that report for me?
Concord Negative sir we will be out of VHF range with you by the time you get to 40W. (You can almost hear the thank god)
AA Say sir what altitude and speed are you guys doing?
Concord (Now sounding very pi$$ed off) Mach 2.1 at FL 590
AA Gee sir do you guys have to wear oxygen up there?
Concord (Now in finest BA / BBC diction) My dear chap I’m not even wearing a tie.
:( :E

[diginagain]

Gotta put this back to the top.

Just after the introduction of the Lynx AH9, aka "The Wheeliebin", some of the crews were invited down to the factory to be presented with ties and sundry freebies.

After a morning being shown around the sheds, we were in the boardroom having coffee when I happened to remark to one of the hosts,

"What a clever way to dispose of all those Whirlwind oleos."

[diginagain]

Same assembler of helicopter components, just after GW1. We took our cabs back to the UK for the parade and flypast, and did a site visit to thank the boys and girls for their support during recent ops.

Very proud senior bod took us to see the new composite blade shed. After giving us a speech about the manufacturing process, computer-controlled cutting and layup of composites, precision so good that each blade was identical in every way, end of tracking and balancing etc, he turned with a grand sweep of his arm, and followed our gaze at the young YTS yoof, hacking away at a roll of carbon fibre with sheep-shearing irons, surrounded by cardboard templates and pots of resin.

[engineer(retard)]

FI F4 line

After sortie chat:

Pilot to Nav - I always put my tomatoes into growbags in the greenhouse when I want them to mature.

100 year old WO: I've been in this mans air force for 40 years and I've never seen anything mature in a growbag.

[diginagain]

Hovering in a field after a little low-level stuff, I turned to my buddy holding the map and said;

"OK, Mick, where are we?"

To which he replied;

"I dunno, you brought me here!"

[Pilgrim101]

Apocryphal, no !

Long time ago, RAF aircraft radio call into Farnborough for Air Show instructions and Information, "RAFair weeble wobble Quiffy one zero zero niner, Runway blabble blabble bloop info Whiskey blabble blabble,...... etc etc etc out !

Army Lynxie, "Turning left at Hawley lake !

Ah, the simple kiss philosophy at work ? :8

[teeteringhead]

precision so good that each blade was identical ...reminds me of a visit to the Yeovil Glue Factory much earlier and hearing about Wessex blades.

W*stl*nds Guru: Blah blah, NACA 0012 highlift symmetrical section blah, leading edge spar blah, x degrees washout blah...

Young Teeters: How is the washout built in to the blade?

WG: Cold dry torsion.

YT: Meaning.....?

WG: Well, er, basically, we fix one end of the mainspar in position and then twist the other end.

YT: !!!

[diginagain]

A well renowned aviation journo and sometime member of the TA paid us a visit in Detmold. One his way out to take flight, he passed me climbing down from the top of a Lynx I’d just ground-run.

“Look at what I’ve got Sarge, it’s a new bone-dome. The manufacturer let me have it, it's just like a Mk4, but about half the weight.” and dropped it, visor-first, into my gloved hand.

Having been given an unmissable opportunity to inspect some state-of-the-art gear, I spent several minutes handling said electric hat, rummaged inside, gave the padded interior a good test, before returning it.

As Mr B skipped off, I reflected on my good fortune. It’s seldom that easy to get engine oil and hydraulic fluid off your gloves.

Probably heard a few times throughout the Corps-

Non-flying day, Lynx and Floppy Flights in the crewroom, suffering from the enthusiasm of a keen QHI, and an inter-flight quiz;

“Question for Lynx Flight. After T/O checks on the Gazelle?”


That’ll be “Torque, NC, T4, PAN PAN PAN”

And finally for this shift;

Having a beer in the Eric’s bar one Thursday night, I got talking to a chap from one of the outfits surrounding the airfield outside Stanley.

He seemed deeply browned off about a new bloke due to join the unit on their return to the UK. Over the course of several beers, he entertained me with stories of this “gentleman’s” exploits.

At times I nodded sagely, at others, made suitable disapproving noises. I’m not sure if he was surprised by my deep interest in his stories, but I kept him in beer for quite some time. I got the impression he thought this new chap was an 'overbearing w****r', or something along those lines.

“Don’t worry,” I said as the conversation ended suddenly. “our mother always had the same opinion of him."

[DSAT Man]

This one may get moderated out but it had me in tears at the time.

RAF Halton, AFTS, 1991. The unbeatable Sgt Rowe has just returned form inspecting an ACW's bedspace and wardrobe with SNCO IC Airwomen. Several of said ACW's fellow students, and all of her room mates, had complained about her general lack of cleanliness and poor standard of personal hygiene.

Are you ready for this?

Me: Well, Sgt Rowe, how did the inspection go?

Sgt Rowe: It was disgustin' sir. I Looked in her pantie draw and her knickers were full of sludge!

[An Teallach]

DSAT Man

couldn't you have waited until a few hours after dinner?:yuk:

[LowNSlow]

Come 15th July 2005 and this thread will have lived for 5, yes 5 years. Thank you ladies and gentlemen for the fantastic entertainment.


Mods. After 5 years, this thread justifies a PERMANENT sticky

[Pilgrim101]

Sorry to disagree, the panty sludge comment killed it for me ! :E

[N Arslow]

Had a story to post but can't come close to Panty Sludge!:eek:

[Circuit Basher]

N Arslow Had a story to post but can't come close to Panty Sludge!
Know what you mean - I feel the same way!! ;) :D

[MSF]

Sounds like the Cpl Rowe that was my DI at Swinderby.
I remember one fine February day in '84 , our marching was so bad he launched into one of his 'how many swear words can I use in one sentence' monologues- right outside SHQ.
The 2 WRAF officers standing outside were not amused and had their own monologue with him.

[DSAT Man]

Sorry to have upset your collective equilibrii with the pantie sludge story. Dave Rowe did indeed serve his time as a DI at Swinderby but I lost touch with him after moving away from Halton. He was a truly excellent SNCO with an amazing sense of humour.

Not a quotation as such, but I vividly remember him driving past me, down Chestnut Avenue, in his 'light ****' coloured Ford Granada. Seeing his Trade Principles Officer on the pavement as he drove past, he removed both hands from the wheel and sat bolt upright to attention, eyes fixed firmly forward.

The students hated him, but they loved him as well. I'd love to see him again.

[delta96]

The Story of Sgt. Rowe reminded me of BRNC Dartmouth circa 1970, where P.O. Plumb took us cadets for parade training. During one difficult lesson he gave his opinion: "Gentlemen, you are a shower of sh*t, and you Mr C***e, are the worst." To which Harry replied in his usual clipped upper class Edinburgh accent:"I don't like your tone, P.O." You could hear the collective intake of breath from the squad. Five minutes of doubling round the ramps with his SLR held out ahead of him persuaded him to accept a PTI's use of colourful language in future.
At this time there was an old boy of a CPO PTI who always wore a proper 'Navy Blue' uniform which he must have had made at his own expense. All the PTI's were impeccably smart, but this fellow shone! And he positively beamed when 'his cadets' showed that they were getting the hang of it. Anyone remember his name?

[Pontius Navigator]

Stude out of Valley in Gnat. Whole series of manouevres with QFI demonstrating and then stude trying too. End of aeros and aircraft in steep turn.

"OK, where are we?"

Quick as a flash Stude says "Over my girl friends house."

"OK, where's that?"

"You don't think I'd tell you do you?"

[BEagle]

Ah - the old "Where's that then, Bloggs?"....

First night dual on the Gnat, climbing up the 100 Radial and the voice from the back says: "Where do you think those lights are then, BEagle"

"Birmingham, Sir!"
"Birmingham??" replies Sir in a questioning YGBSM tone of voice.
"Well, this is Night 1. The rules are you ask me where somewhere is and I reply that it's somewhere not far away. You then riposte that it's somewhere considerably further away, 'cos you can see much further at night. Actually it's Llandudno - but I thought I'd say Birmingham so you couldn't catch me out with that one!"

Good old StuPrecc saw the funny side though. Last saw him on F4Js on 74 - where is he now?

[Axel-Flo]

Delta,

Sounds very much like CPO Sproul, you were a decade before me but he ended up as Div Chief on Blake in the early eighties and he was on an inventory for having been there since Nelson was a Mid then.

The top GI, at least for the best off the cuff comments, was a PO Jones who had just returned from being sunk on the Coventry in the South Atlantic.....Apparently credited with the comment "Ladies, stand at EASE is done in a smart militaray manner.....so when you execute the command I want to hear a sudden inrush of air!" an excellent man of fine character.

Do they still have Divisions every Saturday morning? A good stand still listening to live music (Rockford files, Dambusters or Thunderbirds) breathing in that fresh clean Devon air was a great start to a military career...:E

[teeteringhead]

Flying through the London helilanes west to east, over the Thames at Westminster at about 500 ft, accompanied by Nav who is wallpapering the cockpit with 1" maps (OK, that dates the story!)

"Right Nav - where are we??"

Nav looks out (at last) as mighty Wessex is passing Big Ben...

"Dunno Captain," ... pause ... "but it's half past ten!"

[Shot to the Beach]

Just prior to handing over command of a particularly fine electric flicknife squadron, the outgoing boss was talking to the guys (no gals at the time) on the day the next boss had been nominated and was about to let them know the name of his successor, he started with the line:

'Now I don't want to prejudge the c***t!':cool:

[Icecap]

Late 70's on CXX Sqn, ISK - old hairy Master, Jock Stewart, walking down coridoor and encounters Sqn Boss coming the other way. Both had a hearty dislike of the other, exchange went something like this:

SB: Ah, Mr Stewart. I've noticed you don't wear a sqn badge on your flying suit. Any reason for that?

JS: Yessir, same reason I don't wear an old school tie.

SB: Oh, why's that?

JS: I didn't go to a very good school.

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Young winch operator on Yellow Sea King, voice pattering to pick up dead body in the oggin:

"To the dead head ahead, dead ahead ten!"

[Pontius Navigator]

IX Sqn about 1972, boss walks in to crew room,

"Anybody know a bloke called Howie?"

"Yes, boss, why?"

"He's going to be the new CO."

Story has it that the sqn knew before the new boss even knew he was promoted.

[KPax]

Basic Rotary squadron in Shropshire, QHI briefs student on what to say to ATC when the next practice emergency comes along, QHI - you will say Practice Pan x 3 then nature of emergency, happy with that - yes sir.
OK, Sim Hyd failure before QHI can speak up pops Student on Tower freq with 'MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY. At which point there is a very sombre voice saying 'DOESNT IT MAKE YOU WANT TO F****** WEEP.

[ShyTorque]

Reminds me of my first night circuit in the mighty Wessex at Shawbury back in the 1970's.

Me flying, turned downwind, Master Caution plus hydraulics caption lit up.

I thought the QHI had gone against his brief of "No practice emergencies on this one, mate" (the Wessex, being a flying emergencies trainer, required about three practices per sortie on average in order to cover the full checklist).

Then we realised it was a real failure as that particular system couldn't be turned off....

Me: "PAN PAN PAN, Wessex *** downwind, hydraulics failure, requesting immediate landing on the runway!"

Tower ATC: "Aircraft downwind calling Practice Pan, wait out, aircraft joining from West gate ahead for practice single engine landing"

Me: "Wessex *** - I DIDN'T say Practice!!"

Tower ATC: (Bearing in mind this was the home of excellence, namely the Combined ATC School!) "Oh, er, is it a real one then?"

QHI "Request the fire truck!!"

ATC: "Er, right, clear land, runway 36!"

Had a good laugh on the ground, especially as we watched the dripping hydraulic fluid eating SATCO's new tarmac runway!

[BTDTGTTShirt]

Long time ago about a month after the end of the Falklands war. Chinooks doing a lot of humping and dumping around the islands and way before the BFI’s were set up. In bound to Goose Green with four APFC’s full of deseo and civgas. We always used to give them a call on FM about 15 m out so that someone would be there on the ground to show us where they wanted it and more importantly un hook us.:ok: The Infantry had just changed over and the radio call went something like this in very best crab speak Army Voice Procedure.
Wocca - Hello you this is us inbound figures 15 with 4 b@llocks. Request hooker (We had to use posh codes in case the Argies found out what we were doing)
GG – No Reply
Wocca 5 minutes later - Hello you this is us inbound figures 10 with 4 b@llocks. Request hooker.
GG – Er roger wait out!
GG 5 Minutes later – Wocca this is GG say again your last.
Wocca – Roger inbound your location now figures 5 with 4 b@llocks request hooker.
GG New voice on radio - Wocca this is GG say again your last.
Wocca – Roger inbound your location now figures 4 with 4 b@llocks request hooker.
GG – Understand inbound figures 4. Say again all after figures 4.
Wocca - 4 b@llocks request hooker.
GG – Understand hooker say after 4
Wocca – B@llocks look out your window.

You had to be there:E

[kippermate]

As a relatively new co-pilot on Op SHARP GUARD in the early 90s, we are flying round in circles doing nimrod stuff when the 2nd dry comes to the flight deck.

'Co - 2nd dry. What does that orange knob on the flight deck do?'


Pause.

'Oh. It's the Engineer.'

Ginger engineer took it reasonably well.

kipper

:D

[50+Ray]

Thank you all for helping preserve my sanity during three very boring days grounded by a fuel supply problem. Keep up the good work:D

[Thud_and_Blunder]

T-shirt,

Sounds familiar! Like the late-70s exchange between a Wessex crew taking the rations to a S Armagh border town just after a Bn change-over:

Wessex: "hello Cx0 this is W63R your location 2 minutes, confirm site secure, over"

New Coy operator: "unknown c/s this is Cx0, authenticate, over"

Wessex: "W63R I authenticate: Do You Want Your Rations This Week Or Not - over"

[Barnstormer1982]

Back in the summer of 2001, one-week exercise of my Regiment (ze wonderful German Army) in the woods around Hildesheim.

2200hrs. Me and five other group leaders of our platoon get called to our 1st Lt's tent to get our briefing for this night's training mission. Receive incredible amounts of incredibly detailed information about where the bad guys are etc. and are told to establish contact to all forces we encounter by yelling "Donner" at them, waiting for a "Blitz" as response. Order is to put holes into everything that won't respond after the second "Donner". Get told to perform as briefed with all folks in the field - even if we should meet our Gen out there! Understood and communicated to my group.

0100hrs. I start vectoring my group out of my Platoon's "Nest" with the aim to substitute a good night's sleep by wandering around, being shot at, etc. 5 Minutes out of the Nest we see an individual walking towards us and I tell my mates to lie down and get their firesticks ready. "Donner" - no reply. A second time: "Donner" - "Recruit XY, I am your f***ing 1st Lt.!!!!"

I love officers that stick to their own rules!

[timzsta]

As part of Officer of the Watch course we had to do a Merchant Navy exchange. This consisted of a trip from Weymouth to St Helier on the high speed catamaran ferry.

Mid channel and things have quietened down and by now sun has risen on the port beam. Master sat back in his seat, yawned, stretched, took a slurp of coffee and announced - "dawn came quickly this morning".

Que fits of hysterics of 15 or so Sub Lt's, one of whome female and called, you guessed it.....


RN School of Gunnery, late 80's. First ever female Commander on Divisions for the first time. WO(M) invites her to call the Parade Ground to attention.

"Parade, attennntionnn".

Instantanouesly WO(M) bellows "PAWAAADA STAND AT EASE. PAWADE STAND EASY". Then continues in same bellowing voice "MA'AM IN THE ROYAL NAVY WHEN CALLING PAWADE TO ATTENTION IT IS TRADITION TO USE THE ORDER HAAAAAHHH.
PAWADE, PAWADE, HAAAAH. CARRY ON MA'AM".


Timzsta, OOW on a steely grey messenger of death, late one very dark night on passage accross the med somewhere. Young Midshipman is OOW2. From rear of Bridge looking at radar set he asks "Sir I have heard of IFF, but was is O F F"

"Try it and see........"

Same OOW same ship, similar story as told before. Approaching Portsmouth last morning of 6 month Gulf deployment. Call the hands has just been piped and XO has just been on main blower to inform all that we will be alongside at 1000 as planned.

Bosun's Mate approaches me and asks permission to make a pipe.

"What is it?"
"3 Delta and 2 Foxtrot Wrens mess, standby to be ugly again".


Couple of years later on a CVS as SHAR squadron Freddie. Band formed by various members of Wardroom, lead singer ships FC2. Drummers drums were manufactured by a companed called 'Pearl'. Band decided to call themselves 'Pearl Necklace' and embalzoned drome kits as such.

Commander was a bit naive and announced to ships company of over 1200 over the main broadcast that the ships band 'Pearl Necklace' would be performing on the flight deck at 2000 hours. Entire ships company in histerics in passageways. Commander none the wiser...

[Pontius Navigator]

Venerable Shackle Fighter where every memeber of crew had an R/T button.

Instructor to stude: "That'll be another beer in the Bothy."

Self with foot 'lightly' on R/T pedal. Of course no one around to hear it, besides which no one else would understand, would they?

Except of course 360! Next 2 hours during the ADEX "AND THAT'LL BE ANOTHER BEER IN THE BOTHY."

Black US Exchange O not amused.

[timzsta]

This is a fantastic thread which I feel if published as a book could be quite popular. What are peoples thoughts on embarking on such a course of action with proceeds going to various service charities/benevolent funds etc?

[WE Branch Fanatic]

Pheonix NBCD school, Horsea island, early last year. Small group of RNR trainees are getting lectures on sea survival. The room was warm - and sleep inducing.

After a talk about the General Service Lifejacket, the instructor asks if there are any questions. One bloke wakes up and says....

"How many people can that hold?". Errrm.

During my unfortunately brief time as a regular RN recruit in mid 02, I get pulled up by the duty instructor for something or other.

"Pick a number between 1 and 20"

"Nineteen"

Can you guess how many press ups I did?

[KPax]

Young blond 1st tourist Air Trafficker in Cyp looks out of the VCR at a Royal Flight taxiing past and quotes 'oh look it's just like a Red Arrow' response from the ground Controller 'why', blondie replies 'because it's Red'.

[Speedbird48]

The scene is the camp cinema ar South Cerney when it was part of CFS back in the late 50's.

Very ancient black and white film in which the poor girl gets murdered and the villain puts his head in his hands and says "what will I do, what do I do"? To which a loud voice with an accent from well Northwest of Watford yells out, "F**k it while it's warm".

Needless to say the place errupted with laughter as it was mid week and loaded with people of all sexes!! Wouldn't get away with that today.

The censor will probably get that one but worth a try as it was a classic.

Goes like sh1t off a hot greased shovel!!

That has had more --- ---- that you've had hot dinners!!

[ConwayB]

Australian Army pilot converting onto Black Hawk helicopter. (Bear in mind, said aviator already had 3 years on another aircraft type).

Ground school lesson was on flight instruments on new aircraft including a command instrument system slaved to the AI and its use in flying and ILS.

Instructor: "Of course, you must have at least 1.2km vis unless you manually fly the approach and you use a flight director."

Period comes to an end (several minutes later) when the instructor asks:

"Any questions?"

Student pilot's hand goes up. With knotted brow and earnest expression...

"Yes sir. Which pilot is the flight director?"

[BEagle]

Vickers FunBus OCU Instructor: "OK - 3 engined take-offs. Why do you think we might need to do one of those?"

Blonde lady navigator student: "Noise abatement?"

But she was - and is - very nice!!

[piddled]

TWU course sortie, 2 v 1 bounced SAP, Hawks, out of RAF Brawdy - middle 80's.

Bounce (instructor) has a catastrophic birdstrike and has no time to do anything other than a quick RT call followed by ejection.

Lead Hawk (stude).."Knock it off, Knock it off, Knock it off"

No 2 Hawk (instructor).."I think you will find that's a Stop, Stop,Stop".

Awesome.

[Stax]

Scene setter #1:

Albacete, Spain, V Sqn NSE, big do, all ranks both Brit and Spanish. V attractive Spanish lady being chatted up by FJ Pilot, he quotes (in a very cheesy Roger Moore type voice) "I Pilot a sleek grey messenger of death". Hears giggle and turns to find a dozen of us groundies chuckling directly behind him Doh!, crashed and burned!

Scene setter #2:

Tanagra, Greece, V Sqn NSE, big do, all ranks both Brit and Greek all sitting together. FJ Crews all dressed in pink shirts and Sqn ties. WC is up on the dance floor getting Lamabada'd by a V attractive Greek lady, Slim, Dark etc. "Eh oop" says one of the lads "the WC has pulled", "not surprised" answers one of the Greek groundies "our pilots only pay for the best!"

Same do, we are all up on th tables hooting, roaring and doing impressions of Zorba, oopah! Yamas! etc. I go to the loo and in walks 'Stavros' (a wee bit light on the loafers). "With all your drinking and dancing" he says to me "you must have a little greek in you", "that's as maybe but it's not going to be you!" was my reply.

[diginagain]

Monday morning, IRT on Advanced Rotary, shooting an approach into Odiham, all going well when I happened to ask the IRE if he wouldn't mind opening the vent, as there was a bit of a smell in the cab.

"You didn't burn your toast this morning, did you, Sir?" I said, trying hard to make light of it.

"I have control", from he, followed by a very quite return to MW, not even the customary practice engine failure on return.

After an unusually light b*llocking from the Boss, I discovered that the IRE had torched the AAC balloon two days earlier.

[SirToppamHat]

Heard this one this morning, and thought it might amuse. We wonder about the yoof of today ...

A few years ago, a mate of mine was incarcerated at RAF Buchan, and experiencing a little trouble with one of the WRAF ASOps; the lass didn't seem to be able to see tracks on the screen or respond to specific directions such as 'see that track just north of Edinburgh...'

One day, Paddy decides to sit down with her and quickly realises her geography is not quite what it might be:

Paddy: "Point to Cape Wrath on your screen?"

ASOp points to somewhere completely different.

Paddy tries a few more well known reference points with similar dire results.

Eventually:

Paddy: "Show me, on the screen, where we are now."

ASOp off-sets radar and points firmly to the Faroe Islands.

Paddy: " What on Earth makes you think Buchan is there?"

ASOp: "Well Sir, it took ages to get here from Birmingham, and we came over 3 really big bridges."

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Lyneham, in the days when we had Discip Cpls in the Guardroom

(Can't do the accent, yes, it's Irish)

'Standby for broadcast, standby for broadcast, there is a dog in the fire section'

then after a brief silence, and with a phone ringing in the background

'Standby for further broadcast, there is a fire in the dog section'

The gentleman I just had lunch with is claiming he was there when it happened, so I am testing his storytelling honesty via pprune

[Rakshasa]

Old one...

Speedbird206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

ATC: "Speedbird206. Taxi to gate Alpha One- Seven."

Speedbird206: Uh... one- seven?

ATC: "Speedbird206, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

ATC (with very arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

[MAD Boom]

2002- Casino in Halifax Nova-Scotia:

Blind man approaches the blackjack table and knocks over Sqn Ldr's G&T, followed by plenty of apologies and mopping up and an invitation to join the game.
On chatting to him and his guide, turns out he is Canada's No1 blind golfer- hard to believe by us four sarcastic guys, but backed up by the croupier who recognises him from TV!

Sqn Ldr- "So then, what's your handicap, mate?"

Blind man- "What, apart from being blind!!"

Nice one Dave.

[Pilot Pacifier]

Pair of Chinooks inbound to Beirut, 100’ over the sea, clear skies but only about 2nm visibility because of sea mist.

“Helicopters at ……N, ……E, Hdg 090° this is Israeli Warship.”

“I say again, helicopters at ……N, ……E, Hdg 090° this is Israeli Warship.”

Faffing in the cockpit, “****, that’s us”!

“Israeli Warship, this is Lifter Formation, a pair of British CH47’s, please pass your message?”

“This is Israeli Warship, you are to stay 3nm away from my ship.”

“Roger, what is your position?”

Long pause...

“Sorry, I cannot tell you that!”

DOH!…

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v331/_79_Vortex/anihook7d.gif

[DON T]

At Kaitak in the 70s, they had a local chinese mechanic in MTSS called
Mr NG.

One day the chiefie came out of his office and shouted for NG. After realising that this was impossible, he used to call him Charlie after that.:eek:

[SASless]

Aboard USS Denver, Amphib Ship, South China Sea near the Philippines.....over the ship's 1MC PA system....."Attention all Hands, give the ship a clean sweep fore and aft, all decks, ladders, and passageways, deposit all trash in the **** Cans provided!" (Repeated twice of course)

A minutes silence over the 1MC folllowed but much loud yelling and strong sailor talk heard from the XO's immediate area of the ship.....then over the 1MC...."Attention all hands, reference my last, disregard what I said about the **** Cans!" (twice of course)

The poor lad's Chief and Division Officer found themselves having a coffee-less meeting with the XO shortly thereafter.

[foldingwings]

The RAF Ops Officer was a chap called Master Pilot Wally Cole. When asked by the assembled Bucc aircrew why the air conditioning in the Ops Room didn't work, Wally's reply was as simple and explanatory as it comes:

"The Fu**in' Fu**er's Fu**ed!"

It was! He became known as Master Pilot Wally Fu**in' Cole after that!

FW

[Fatjoff]

Glad to see this thread come back to life. Highly entertaining.

During the mid eighties when I was young free and single, I happened to get off with a young lass who turned out to be a LAC(W) from Brampton. It was very much frowned on for a young officer to do that sort of thing in those days, but amazing how common it was, but since I was up at Wittering, who would find out.

One Saturday night I suggested we have a night out in Stamford, obviously with naughtier thoughts in mind back in my room in the mess. But I briefed her thoroughly. If we meet anyone, I said, you're a typist from Leicester. No problem.

Evening went smoothly. Met a few people in town - no-one suspected. Driving back down the A1 at the end of the evening, I overtook my DSATCO, Rog (who lived in the room opposite me), who clocks me with passenger and chivalrously eases off the gas to allow me to get back to my room before him to avoid embarrassing moments.

However, on exiting the car outside the mess, young lady slams the door on her hand. Why would anyone want to do that? What followed was a few minutes of her dancing about howling in pain with me trying to soothe her with more than half a thought on trying to get up to my room without anyone seeing us. Anyway, she delayed us enough; Rog parked up and as we turned to go up the stairs, Rog was coming along the upper corridor. Evening, he said.

So I did the honourable thing and introduced my young lady.

Evening Rog. Er, Rog meet Caroline, Caroline meet Rog.

Evening Caroline.

Evening sir!!!!!!!!

And do you know, Rog never said a word about it. Not, that is until his dining-out some 18 months later!

[BEagle]

But did you then do the, err....dishonourable thing?

[allan907]

Fatjoff That incident wouldn't happen to have been between 85 and 87 would it? And if so which wing of the Mess were you in?? :}

[Fatjoff]

Beagle - gentleman never tells, but I took her mind off her fingers!

Allan - Memory fading but I was there between 84 and 86. My guess is back end of 84. I was in the East wg first floor looking out over the front of the mess. You were there then too?

[Lone Kestrel]

During the Deci ACMI days in the early 80s the range used car names for callsigns with each country’s range slot being given a specific name, ie a Brit slot would be called Morris or Austin etc.

On this day we were using a German slot and were given Mercedes. All went well until we swapped freq from Deci to Marco Radar and the Flight Lead reverted to type. It went something like this:

Lead. ‘Merc check in’
F4s. ‘2, 3 4’
Lead. ‘Marco Radar this is Merc formation, flight of 4 for the range request QNH’.
Marco Radar. ‘Hey Merc this is Mercedes’ range slot you’re not cleared in’

After some lengthy pause.

Lead. ‘OK sorry, this is Mercedes Formation, flight of 4 for the Range etc’
Marco Radar ‘Hey, I recognise your voice you are Merc formation, go home the range she is closed.

Longer Pause during which lead pilot and nav discuss options in house.

Eventually,
Lead (nav). ‘Mercedes check in’
F4s. ‘2, 3, 4.’
Lead (nav) ‘Marco Radar, Mercedes Formation, flight of 4 for the Range.
Marco Radar. ‘Mercedes Formation cleared in Range, QNH 1014, and watch out there is a Merc formation out there trying to steal your range slot.

[allan907]

Fatjoff Rocked up on 1 Jul 85 as OC PMS so I obviously missed your bit of excitement. I was in the west wing at the far end looking straight down the road to SHQ (presumably that was to make sure that I never took my mind off the job!). Had the most unlikely Harrier jock in the end room - name has slipped my memory now - but he ended up as a bit of a leading light in the Harrier world.

[Wiley]

The story of bringing a Waffie back to the Mess reminded me of the (true, cos I was there) story below. Coincidentally, I just saw the no longer quite so young officer who was the star of this yarn for the first time in quite a few years, whose nickname from those days should probably be changed from B-Squared to B-Cubed, (adding ‘bald’ to the original two Bs).

Apologies if it is overly long, but it was originally written (along with many others) more years ago than I care to remember for people not familiar with the curious ways of the Service life. Three Minutes, Are You Extending?

Back in the 20’s, some very sharp real estate agents managed to sell the Government of the day the most fog-prone swamp within forty miles of every major city in Australia as the site of that city’s Air Force Base. They also went to some pains to make each site as inaccessible to decent public transport as possible. This has resulted in most young men and women on their first posting after training being virtual prisoners on the Base until they can afford a car on the never-never.

Junior officers experience the same urges as most other young men, but if unable to get off the Base, they find outlets for these urges somewhat hard to come by. They are forbidden to fraternize with the enlisted women, the Waffs. It is quite in order to marry one, but to take one out is seriously frowned upon by the powers that be. Just how a junior officer is expected to get himself into a position to ask the girl to marry him has never been explained to me - perhaps arranged marriages, as in the Muslim world?

In those now far off days when automation was in its infancy, one Waff who was available to all, to speak to at least, was the duty telephonist. Late at night, she was often as bored as the drunk on the other end of the line, and many’s the young man who has spent half an hour late at night chatting up the bird on the switch.

One duty suffered by every young officer every one or two months is to be the Base Orderly Officer. The Orderly Dog has a number of duties, one of which is to be dragged out of bed at all hours of the night to read any signal which comes into the Base Communication Centre. One signal in a hundred might require action - (“The yellow hordes will be attacking at dawn.” Yawn.) - but all except the routine ones must be read by the long-suffering Orderly Officer. The Comm Centre is usually in the same building as the telephone exchange. Sometimes the Orderly Officer might stay for a cup of coffee with the switch girl.

One young officer, whilst doing his night as Orderly Officer, was caught having considerably more than a cup of coffee with the switch girl. They had to be punished, if only for both being seriously out of uniform whilst on duty. The switch girl was awarded a month’s night shift as punishment for her crime. (‘Awarded’ - that’s the word the RAAF uses in such circumstances.)

But what of the officer? Well he was ‘awarded’ a punishment that only the military mind could come up with for such an offence - one month’s orderly officer duty, which meant he could not leave the Base at all for another thirty days. I’ll leave it to the reader’s imagination how the two miscreants spent most of their nights during their punishment.

[microlight AV8R]

A story relayed to me by a jolly chap at Blandford: wee small hours on an army exercise in BAOR in the early 70s. Nothing was happening, nothing was going to happen, neither bed nor Ivan loomed large.

Eventually, the radio wakes up: "Are there any friendly bears out there?", "Yes, I'm a friendly bear", "I'm a friendly bear too", and so on up and down the net This went on for a bit until an outraged voice broke in and proceeded to read the riot act about w/t security, discipline, procedures and so on.

There was silence on the channel for about ten seconds.

"You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

R

Amazing ! My father was on that exercise and gave me a first hand account of the incident. I wonder if that's why he refers to his LS&GC as his 'undetected crime medal'? Another transmission heard over the net went thus: " Hello unknown station, nothing heard, out"

[MilSpFunc]

Amazing ! My father was on that exercise and gave me a first hand account of the incident. I wonder if that's why he refers to his LS&GC as his 'undetected crime medal'? Another transmission heard over the net went thus: " Hello unknown station, nothing heard, out"

The classic transmission was from a bored operator in the middle of the night who decided to send the following,

"Hullo all stations I'm f*****g pissed off"

to which the control station responded,

"Hullo unknown station this is 0 say again call sign over"

and recieved the reply,

"I'm not that F*****g pissed off, out."

[Green Flash]

A Met classic

Airfield in Englandshire many moons ago. Quiet, settled sort of day, everything flying, everyone happy. Observer asks Forecaster for the trend forecast to put on the end of the hourly metar. Forecaster, known for his somewhat straightforward approach to the English language shouts back 'Oh, NO f***ing SIG'.

Observer types up on the teleprinter and sends!:eek:

[Rigchick]

A young lady (SACW) sitting in the airshow co-ordinating office at a certain ground trades school back in 97 needed to speak to Flt Lt xxx about the forthcoming show. Phoning the extension given, a deep voice answers without giving their name.

SACW: Good Afternoon Sir, I'm calling about the airshow

Voice: You need to speak to Flt Lt xxx

SACW: Sorry Sir, I thought it was you

Voice: No, this is the SWO

SACW: Sorry, I thought the SWO was female

Voice: I am!!!

SACW: Do you know who this is?

Voice: NO!

SACW: Thank God for that!!

And hangs up pretty rapidly!

[Tombstone]

Sqn Ldr walks into ATC tower & spots a young SAC counting up the tea bar takings.

Sqn Ldr, "Morning young lady, do you happen to have change of a ten pound note?"

SACW, "Certainly, I'll just count it out for you."

Sqn Ldr, "Hmm, aren't you forgetting something young lady"

SACW, "Sorry?"

Sqn Ldr, "As you can see, I'm a Sqn Ldr in Her Majesties Royal Air Force and as such, I do believe that I have earned the right to be addressed as 'Sir'. Shall we start this conversation again?"

SACW, "My apologies sir, certainly."

Sqn Ldr, "Excellent, do you happen to have change of a ten pound note?"

SACW, "No sir."

[Laarbruch72]

Sqn Ldr, "Excellent, do you happen to have change of a ten pound note?"

SACW, "No sir."

Absolute cracker. :}

[DON T]

I remember watching a BBC documentary about Her Majesty's Submarine service and an obviously university educated reporter interviewing a rating:

Reporter: Do you enjoy the Royal Navy?

Rating: I can't stand it - I hate it.

Reporter: Why don't you leave then?

Rating: Not much need for a torpedo technician in civvy street!

[foldingwings]

Canberra pilot (not me) on exercise with Pongos in Sennelager Range circa 196?

Scene: breakfast in a tent in the boonies.
Present: Army captain (AC) wearing his hat; Canberra captain (CC) sans hat!

CC: Pass the marmalade please?
AC: Studious ignore

CC: Excuse me, could I have the marmalade please?
AC: Studious ignore

CC: Hey! I asked you for the marmalade!
AC: When an Army officer wears his hat at breakfast, it means he does not wish to converse!

CC: Whilst raising his size 10 Flying boot and planting it in AC's Corn Flakes. Fair enough, but when an RAF Officer puts his flying boot in your corn flakes it means pass the f*****g marmalade!

Maybe apochryphal, but very apposite!

KNOBs :ugh: :ugh: :ugh: (see other thread currently running entitled 'Thanks for that Mike')

FW

[GOLF_BRAVO_ZULU]

"Lufthansa ****, clear next right".

Manch, OCT 72, 0300 ish, runway in use 24, work in progress on North Western taxiway. In the time it takes to write on a progress strip, B737 at a brisk walking pace carries on past the intended link to the "next" one. A very startled gang of road menders find a very noisy and bright illumination of their brew cans. Blessed be he who invented thrust reversers.

From that day forth, the clearance was strictly "first" right/left!

[Skunkerama]

Canberra pilot (not me) on exercise with Pongos in Sennelager Range circa 196?

FW

Twas a Royal Marine officer putting his boot in a cavalry officers breaky, but why spoil a good story with the truth eh?

If you'd like the full story backed up by eyewitness accounts, it is on the Once a Marine, always a Marine forums.

[ORAC]

Location:Crewroom RAF Staxton Wold, the day after the Belgrano was sunk. 4 controllers sitting around coffee table playing bridge. Welsh SAC (Brynn Williams) sticks head round door.

Brynn: "Sir, that Belgrano sir, him what pulled the trigger, would he have been an Officer then?"

Controller: "Certainly; Brynn."

Brynn: "All well, that´s OK then, just youthful high spirits..........."

[Maxibon]

As an ex nav who then decided brown was the way ahead, I remember an excellent tale from BFG.

A local German supermarket where Mrs Trooper (resplendent in Ron Hills and white stilletoes) was having a complete nightmare with her screaming brats. At the end of her tether, the poor woman turned round and slapped one of them on the leg.

A nearby German fraulein came up and informed her ".. in Germany we do not smack our children.."

To which she replied " oh yeah, and in England we don't gas our Jews, so f**k off.."

Poor hubby was severley reprimanded for his wife's comments and returned to UK. :ok:

[rmac]

Crew misunderstands taxi directions and ends up nose to nose with another aircraft. Female controller sets to and berates pilot intensely in very unfriendly manner. Silence on the frequency until one anonymous male voice asks "Didn't I used to be married to you once ?"

[ExRAFRadar]

Spadeadam, Easter of 84 or 85. JEngO briefing about 20 of us as 'Quick Reation Force' in case of CND types trying to get on base. We had pick axe handles as 'a show of force implement' and the said Occifer had acquired some station push bikes for us.

The JEngO was one frustrated pilot by the way. Goes something like this:

"Right chaps, I have managed to requestion some 10 push bikes, with lights, and we will act as a quick reaction alert force to back up the perimiter chaps. We will go on a 5 minute alert with 5 of us, with the rest at 15 minutes standby. Pick Axe's by the bikes ready to go. Radio call will be "up Guards and at em" ( or something equally insane)

After about the longest 15 seconds of my life a Brummie Corporal AD Tech who could undo Scammel's wheel nuts by looking at them said dead pan

"What formation do you want when we get airborne"

[Pontius Navigator]

<< . . . automation was in its infancy, one Waff who was available to all, to speak to at least, was the duty telephonist. Late at night, she was often as bored as the drunk on the other end of the line, and many’s the young man who has spent half an hour late at night chatting up the bird on the switch. >>

The following tale was related by my father-in-law.

In 1944 he and his oppo were at Hell Fire Corner at Dover and used to talk to one of the WREN whose they called 'Angel Voice' for obvious reasons. Anyway they did the usual chat up and eventually persuaded her and a mate to meet them at the local bop one night.

They were primped and shaved, best bib and tucker, and there waiting for the two girls. Presently two Wrens arrived and one soon revealled herself to be Angel Voice. My FinLaws oppo took one look at Thunder Thieghs and sadi let's scarper.

We still see the friend today:)

[trap one]

With Afganistan in its early days and India and Pakistan facing off against each other in the Bucket of Instant sunshine (maybe) contest.
An Indian MPA was looking for the US/NATO fleet and any Pakistan Navy. When warned off on Guard by Red Crown about being too close to US Carrier Ops. An Indian crew member came back on freq and basically said its blue water we have every right to be here.
Red crown went back out and again warned the Indian MPA to go away. Indian MPA says no we have every right to be here and we will stay.
Red crown finally replys "Indian MPA remember the Iranian Airbus" Indian MPA does a quick 180 and exits West.

[BEagle]

I can't imagine even Red Crown saying something quite so crass!

Hope the USN didn't hit any lighthouses....

[TheInquisitor]

IOT early nineties - No 2 mess room inspection. Rock FS disappears into my room, usual sounds eminate from behind me of expletive stream followed by room being turned upside down. FS reappears, holding a pair of black civvy shoes from my wardrobe that had seen better days:

FS: "What are these shoes saying to you, Mr Inquisitor?"

Me: "Er...'Help! Help! the FS's got me?'"

...WAY wrong answer!

I still attribute some of my current upper-body strength to the number of press-ups I was invited to perform in the immediate aftermath of that ill-judged attempt at humour.

[skaterboi]

I still attribute some of my current upper-body strength to the number of press-ups I was invited to perform in the immediate aftermath of that ill-judged attempt at humour.

Upper Body Strength? Do you still have enough of that to press that rotund frame of yours? :E

[JP1]

In my days at the IAM (RAF Institute of Aviation Medicine), the Institute use to run a NBC course demonstrating NBC aircrew kit. One of the pieces of kit was a bladder and sheath to enable the crewmember to take a leak when fully kitted. The thing came in 3 sizes (the smallest being medium!!) and actually referred to the elastic waistband to hold the thing in place.

One day a participant enquired about what sizes the sheath came in, Army, Airforce and Navy came back the reply.

[Pontius Navigator]

At a biology lecture at university the professor stated that sperm was sweet.

"Why does it taste bitter?" said a pretty young thing at the front.

After she left in confusion the professor answered, explaining the different functions of taste buds in the mouth and that on the tongue the ones at the tip were designed to test for sweetness.:}

[buoy15]

AOC's annual, Ballykelly, circa 1965 - No 203 Sqn attention! - No 204 Sqn attention! - No 2 o' 10 Sqn attention! - Doh! - he made 2*
Cocking-up is based on the accepted RN principle of getting yourself court martialled early in your career, (nothing too serious mind) - later on, you may get written up, because your name is remembered, but not what for - viz - the passed over Capt of HMS ******** who hit Tower Bridge, lost 5 yrs seniority and was promoted to Commodre 2 years later because he now fell back into the promotion bracket! - Tell that to the youth of today and they'll not believe you!:eek:

[TheInquisitor]

Upper Body Strength? Do you still have enough of that to press that rotund frame of yours?
Enough to lift 2 pints at once - good enough for me! :}

[TeBoi]

Fairly recently at an Elementary Flying Training School in Lincolnshire, an ab-initio trainee made a flawless, flareless approach.:ouch:
After the subsequent bounce, he made the wise decision to apply power and go-around. Not wishing to admit his inadequacies he transmitted to ATC "c/s going around due to rabbit on the runway".
In their best deadpan voice the controller replied "Roger, rabbit".:p

[Pope Mobile]

LAX, American Airlines are trying to push out of the alley, but have been told to wait for a Japanese 747 that is supposedly going to push 1st. After waiting ages the AA 777 decides to just go ahead and push anyway. The gnd controller goes ballisitic, pointing out that his flow is all messed up and it's gonna take ages to sort out the traffic pile up. Southwest Airlines captain comes up on radio "Amelican Ailines, velly velly bad ailine!!"
Jap 747 "We not say that, we not say that!!" :8

[Flyingskygod]

Coming back from the falklands.

As we were just landing at RAF Brize Norton, the captain announced that we were back in the UK, the local time is blah blah and added "Ladies, you are now officially ugly again"

Apparently there was some officers wife on board who complained and the captain got a bollocking for his attempt at humour.

I found it funny and it gave me a laugh.

[A2QFI]

BA captain, 1970s, landed in Muscat ex LHR. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just landed at Seeb International Airport, the temperature is +33C and the local time is 1100 - however, put your watches back 100 years!"

[matkat]

Halton 1983, appos and fitters marching down the hill with band Goat etc probably around 150 Men when the idiot discip Corporal(Corporal Death for Those of You that were there then) shouts " You, You with the hat on! hilarious.:O
Early 70s Army Cadet parade(Castle green, Broughty Ferry) when another Idiot shouts out to a Young cadet by the name of G. Cox, Cox Out!!!!

[Wader2]

Or PTI, two teams one with a coloured bands and no shirts and one with just no shirts.

"Right you lot - you are One Skin, Two Skin, Three Skin, Four . . . "

[virgo]

Halton in the fifties, the junior entry's first church parade. They file into the church, some of them for the first time in their lives, a few finding the atmosphere unfamiliar and slightly bewildering.
From the doorway, a typical drill-instructor corporal supervises the apprentices slowly filling the pews.

A sudden and loud bark from the corporal.........." you at the front, YES YOU,

get your 'at off in the 'ouse of gawd, you hignorant little c**t "

(absolutely true, I was there !)

[virgo]

Luqa, Malta in the middle sixties, Greece and Turkey doing a lot of sabre rattling at each other so everyone fairly busy keeping an eye on developments.
In the mess, 39 squadron engineer officer proclaims, I've got twelve Canberras, nine are fully serviceable and six are flying.
Rather dour 38 squadron flight commander responds " I've got eight Shackletons, none are serviceable, all are flying !"

[om15]

Following the couple of Halton stories, a bleak winter morning on1Wing in 1968, the Wing WO, known to the disrespectful apps as Fu Mancho ( remember him?) on parade, his favorite dislikes were bandsmen and apps wearing shoes, on spotting a bandsman in shoes,
"Oi you ladee, where's your boots?" ( hi pitch)

Small defiant voice from the middle of the band,
" Cobblers Sir"

Small things that lightened the gloom.

Regards,
om15.

[virgo]

The new Station Commander (as he used to be called) decided to smarten everybody up a bit. The order was published and circulated reminding everyone they were in a military service.........hats would be worn on heads and not tucked under epaulettes........ hands would NOT be thrust into pockets.........boots and shoes would be clean and polished.......etc, etc.

Driving around the station in his Standard Vanguard he passed between two hangars and was outraged to see an airman slouching along, hands in pockets and hat stowed.
The Station Master stopped his car and to get the attention of the offending airman leaned on the car horn BEEEP.......BEEEP.....BEEEEEP

From out of both hangars poured a stream of airmen, caps under epaulettes, scruffy boots and shoes, large mugs in hand looking for the Naafi wagon.

[A2QFI]

This fearsome NCO was at Cranditz in the early 60s. Unimpressed by our drill, especially the noises we were not making by striking the woodwork of our rifles, he remarked "Pathetic, Gentlemen! I could make more noise rattling my goolies in a Jamjar!" Voice, hidden within the ranks, "You couldn't get your goolies IN a jamjar"

[modtinbasher]

Told me by an old Royal Corps of Transport (Rickshaws, cabs and taxis) mate....

Officer to Sgt Major looking at assembled ranks, 'Srnt Major, can't you find something useful for these men to do, or at least **** them about a bit'

"Yes sir, **** them about a bit, yes sir, understood sir"

Sgt Major to troop..

"Companyyyyy, Shun!

"Hats off, hats on, hats off, hats on!" "Staaaaand easy"

Sgt Major to Officer...

"Men now fecked about sir."

Officer... "Well done Srnt Major, carry on"!

[pmills575]

Cosford in the early 60's.
New lot of Boy Entrants being indoctrinated by DI Cpl.
"Right you lot, on Saturdays you will take your bedding outside to air it, and if it's raining you can do on Friday night!"

[virgo]

Discip sergeant to bedding store corporal,

"at 08.00 tomorra, the duty horficer wants to do a one-'undred-percent check on the bedding "

"But sarge, we ain't got an 'undred sets of bedding...."

"Alright, I'll put 'im off - but let me know when you have"

[chiglet]

Many [many] moons ago, I was at the bus stop outside R.A.F.Buchan, when the Saish pulled up in his Standard Vanguard to ask if I wanted a lift. Raising my LEFT arm in acknowledgement, I got into the car [I ran the modelling club, and the Staish's son was a member]. Unfortunately I was seen by the Flt Sgt......"You DON'T salute with your left hand "....Me..."I wasn't saluting the Boss, I was waving" :=
watp,iktch

[GOLF_BRAVO_ZULU]

modtinbasher

Were they the same blokes who formed the Radfan Camel Troupe? Ah! bloody donkey whalapers: who cares?

[teeteringhead]

'Tis the season to remember BoB Cockers Ps.

On one occasion at Aldergrove I remember being at the door of the dining room to receive guests. They had been met in the foyer by the Staish and the highly paid help, and then walked along the corridor to the dining room by the baby pilots to meet their hosts.

Baby pilot arrives with Distinguished Military Looking Middle Aged Man in Suit.

Baby P: Sqn Ldr Teeters,may I introduce Major Gerald H*******

DMLMAMiS: Actually it's Major General H*******!!

Baby P: :O :O

[GlosMikeP]

Often told tale about Paddy Bandon, known to many as 'The Abandoned Earl', as he arrived at an Officers' Mess bar in Egypt in WW2 with a small entourage - a little the worse for a few weeks of dusty, desert living - and ordered a round of drinks. Tatty shirts, generally unkempt appearance, you get the idea.

Smart army officer strolls up in high dudgeon. "I'm Major the Honourable Twitters; you chaps are scruffy and not in keeping with mess dress standards and you should leave at once."

Paddy replies: "And I'm Group Captain the Earl of Bandon. I outrank you on both counts and you can f***K off in fine pitch!".

[Wader2]

Just like when the RAAF Police pushed in to the bagpipe audience in the street in downtown Penang and acosted the obviously oldest person there - in a white shirt and tie of course - "who are you?"

"Wg Cdr T*****, who are you?"

Depart RAAF P.

[Skunkerama]

As were on a BoB theme at the moment, i found this posting on another forces site. Thought you might appreciate it so I have copied it here.

"My golf club, Prince's in Sandwich, Kent celebrated it's centenery this year and the son of it's designer and first secretary was a famous WW 2 fighter ace and Walker Cup player, Wing Commander "Laddie Lucas"

A plaque has been placed on the course nearto the location where Laddie crash landed his spitfire after being damaged during an engagement over France.

Briefly, he was returning from a mission to Lille in France and heading back to RAF Manston near Ramsgate. He had been hit in the engine and wing by a Messerschmit 109 at 17,000 feet over Le'Touquet. He had smoke in the cockpit and the Merlin engine sounding extremely rough! Half way accross the Straits of Dover, his engine packed in and he thought that he might have to ditch.

He saw the outline of the Guilford Hotel in Sandwich Bay and then the club house of Prince's Golf Club where he was born and grew up. He decided that he had enough height to carry out a forced landing and knowing the course picked his spot and landed smoothly "just out of bounds" in a marsh at the back of the old ninth green!

This feat prompted the golf commentator Henry Longhurst to telegram Laddie congratulating him for his flying skills but not his golf as he had landed out of bounds!

Laddie went onto fly througout the war, particularly in the defence of Malta."

[GlosMikeP]

Another one I recall about Paddy, the 'Abandoned Earl'

Air Marshal Bandon landed a Vampire in the early 50s and overshot the end of the runway, going clean through the perimiter hedge. Air Marshal Dick Atcherley, who was then AOC 12 Group, signalled him:

"Congratulations on being the first officer of Air rank to go through the barrier. We heard the bang from here!"

[virgo]

Then there was the another AOC story (forget who it was attributable to)..............The AVM normally arrived at zero-zero feet in his personalised blue meteor, a split arsed circuit, land and commence the inspection.

The parade, facing the runway, were intrigued to watch a venom approach from some distance and perform an immaculate landing sans landing gear.

As the thing skidded to a halt, the fire landrover driver rushed over to the pilot slowly extricating himself and yelled,
" You c**t, the AOC is about to arrive !!!"
" Sergeant," pointing at his epaulettes,"I AM the AOC !!!"
(His meteor had gone u/s and he'd borrowed the venom with which he wasn't very current !)

[virgo]

Didn't "The abandoned Earl" open a Middle East station new swimming pool by declaring the pool "Now well and truly open" and then diving in in his full regalia including hat and sword ?

[BEagle]

But he probably agreed with the sergeant's accurate comment!

I was once chatting in a crew room about an Air Clues article describing how some FR mate in a Swift had flown into trees after some press-on-itis in the 1950s RAFG. "What an utter tit!", I concluded.

"Actually", said a Gp Capt from across the room, "That was me..... But you're absolutely right!"

'twas the splendid Pat King - very nice chap indeed.

[EODFelix]

Heard after a few beers on a friday afternoon SAOEU session:

Whats the difference between a GR3 pilot and a 1000LB GP bomb - the latter isn't retarded!

Whats the diffrence between a GR3 and its driver? The GR3 stops whining when the sorties over!

Not forgetting the A flight nav who flew on the early Grob trials - cos they wanted a representative air cadet!!

Happy days

[GlosMikeP]

Didn't "The abandoned Earl" open a Middle East station new swimming pool by declaring the pool "Now well and truly open" and then diving in in his full regalia including hat and sword ?
Sounds about right doesn't it!

[Rotorbiggles]

Mate of mine, AAC in the early 90's is carrying a load of self loading freight and invited for drinks in the said freights mess at the end of the day. Arriving to find only one person at the bar is asked if he "knows anyone here".

"Not really, just bloggs he's a top bloke though"... person at the bar replies.. "that's me"...

mate goes red exits stage left...

[henry crun]

When he was SASO FEAF, the Abandoned Earl visited New Zealand.

After an official lunch at Ohakea everyone was standing in the ante room, coffee in hand.
The catering officer, who was something of a smarmy individual, made his way into the group around the Earl and then proceeded to introduce himself and his job.

The Earl stubbed his cigar out in said officer's coffee cup and said "bloody awful coffee."

[GlosMikeP]

Woman pilot approaching airfield somewhere USA requests the QNH, and gets the ATC response in mb.

LP: "Can I have yours in inches, please?"
ATC: "29.65 inches"

Anon "Feed it to her real slow man!"

[teeteringhead]

Remember briefing a baby pilot for a night solo at a secret helicopter base (or possibly station!) in Shropshire, and quizzing him on emergencies various.

Teeters the Auth: OK Bloggs, main radio failure outside the circuit, what you gonna do??

Baby P: Select standby radio, put out Pan call on 243 to Market Drayton Centre!!!

......must've been in Shropshire too long........

[tmmorris]

Maybe that's where they actually thought it was. Shropshire is a small world, after all!

Tim

a Market Drayton lad - grew up watching the Shawbury traffic

[umba]

As a young spunker I was offered a back seat ride in my unit's Jag T bird. On the day of the trip the pilot asked if I'd flown in a fast jet before and I replied that I hadn't. Quick as a flash the assembled Tornado aircrew who overheard this quiped 'And your not f*****g going to today either!'

[virgo]

Kai-Tak orderly room..........in comes chinese assistant with beverage, "Morning Plight-sergeant, here your tea"

Exasperated flight-sergeant....."If you can't say Flight-sergeant, for God's sake -call me "Chiefy" !

"OK Cheepy, here your tea"

[QFIhawkman]

Kai-Tak orderly room..........in comes chinese assistant with beverage, "Morning Plight-sergeant, here your tea"

Exasperated flight-sergeant....."If you can't say Flight-sergeant, for God's sake -call me "Chiefy" !

"OK Cheepy, here your tea"

Two thumbs fresh! :ok: :ok:

[Lon More]

Market Drayton Centre!!!

Rumour has it that when the plans were being made a three way conference discussion was made.Unfortunately the connection was not of the best quality
A site at Market Drayton was mooted, as was West Raynham. Unfortunately the person taking the notes got confused and wrote down West Drayton and the rest is history Really clever, putting Linesman about 5n.m. N of the middle of Heathrow; even the worst Russian Nav. would have had little difficulty finding it.

[GlosMikeP]

And completely believable!

[Samuel]

During a two-year stint in Anzuk mid 1970s, there were a few RNZAF Officers scattered all over the place in various jobs, and the OC Kiwis, a Gp Captain, [ex-RAF and who later became CAS], decided an informal lunch at Tengah was necessary and the word went out "All Kiwis to attend".

As tends to happen, the lunch extended well into the late afternoon, and early evening, until sometime after 1800 when a rather stuffy PMC arrived and taking in the short-sleeved shirt and shorts gathering, announced "you should be aware that shorts are not on after 1800".

The Kiwi senior officer said "I quite agree" and promptly dropped his shorts, followed by the dozen or so others.:ok: Exit one miffed PMC.

[push&start]

Probably a variation on a theme, but just in case its not appeared before;
During training at Locking in the early 80's having received the brief for latest sh!tty job.
DI: Any questions?
Ensemble: Moans, groans and general expletives
DI: Well, if you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined.
Lone voice from the back: Yeah but we weren't expecting a bloody pantomime
Methinks the same still applies today!!

[GlosMikeP]

Shack days in the early 80s with 8 Sqn.

Returning to Lossie after a long day in the Neatishead sector, flying at range speed (about 180kts) we hit a 100+kt headwind. Made not much better than 60kts groundspeed!

Pottered past Boulmer, no doubt being overtaken by every car on the A1; dawdled through Buchan....and at about 1300 just passing Leuchars after a stream of requests to update our ETA because no one could believe in a fast jet age anything could fly that slow, came one final call of incredulity.....

"55 this is Buchan, say again your ETA base, over.".

Dear old Captain Beery Weir, pipe on the coaming, bless him: "Buchan, 55. 1600z....again!"

Hunter from the TWU flying serenely overhead at 30k ft or so - even before checking in on frequency:

"Today or tomorrow!".

[O2thief]

Woman pilot approaching airfield somewhere USA requests the QNH, and gets the ATC response in mb.

LP: "Can I have yours in inches, please?"
ATC: "29.65 inches"

Anon "Feed it to her real slow man!"

The way I heard it was that there was a lot of interference on the radio during this two way exchange and the lady in question couldn't hear the reply clearly and kept asking ATC to repeat. The rich Texan drawl from another aircraft said "give it to her slowly man, inch by inch."

O2T

[GlosMikeP]

I suspect there are as many versions as story tellers. Good all the same, and I rather like the extra cover of the R/T crackle!

[virgo]

The story of the un-expected wind reminded me of the Beverley sector from Orange (S. France) to El-Adem (N. Africa). Scheduled departure 18.00 local, arrival 03.00 local. We picked up an unexpected tail wind of 100 + knots - practically doubling our normal groundspeed - and as a consequence arrived over three hours early, to find the Transit mess bar still open.
Like all good service bars at the time, they stayed open till most people had had enough..........which usually co-incided with the herald of dawn.

Not surprisingly the whole crew missed the scheduled "wake-up" calls and somewhat sheepishly prepared for the departure for Khartoum/Khormaksar about six hours late.

As we taxied to the departure point the siggy asked what excuse he should give to Transport Command HQ at Upavon with his "airbourne" signal.

The skipper, a wonderful old wartime chap with three rows of medal ribbons replied, "Just say late departure on account of early arrival - they'll understand !"

[engineer(retard)]

Phantom aircrew on site at MPA discussing gardening:

Pilot to Nav: I always put my tomatoes in a growbag in the greenhouse and leave them to mature.

Crusty Chief: I've been in the mob 25 years and never seen anything mature in a growbag.

[Samuel]

That 'Crusty Chief' got around a bit!

At the 75 Sqn 'line office', Crusty Chief is head down over a pile of 700s when fairly newish Fg Off arrives fully kitted ready for his Skyhawk sortie.

"Is my aircraft ready Chief?"

Without looking up, the Chief replies, "It's not your aircraft, it's mine until I lend it to you, now wander off until I tell you".

[red3]

Conversation between two doctors overheard in the wardroom of Ark Royal in 1963.

First Doc: "Had this naval airman come to me this morning, saying he hadn't slept for three weeks!"

Second Doc: "Why not?"

First Doc: " Because his berth is under the starboard catapult."

Second Doc: "So what did you tell him?"

First Doc: "Told him he could hand in his bedding..."

Big laugh, gins all round

[virgo]

They really value and look after their men in the Navy, don't they........?

At the washup after a joint RN/RAF exercise the Shackleton Signals Leader asked the Senior Naval Officer who was responsible for the Ship VHF comms.?

In typical aloof naval style he replied, " Normally it will be a commissioned officer but if none are available we will use a Chief-Petty-Officer or a Petty-Officer. Failing the availability of any of those we will then use - IF we can find one - an intelligent rating.


Part of the same de-briefing, the RN signals procedure was criticsed for not identifying which of three Shackletons the message was addressed to.

"We assume the SENIOR captain will either comply with, or delegate, the task "

Good ole Navy..........if Nelson did it - OK. If he didn't, we don't want to !

[airborne_artist]

..."the RAF is Utterly, Utterly, Useless in Afghanistan ..." - Major James Loudon 3PARA.

What I would have given to be a fly on the walls as that went round Para RHQ, CGS etc.

[virgo]

The bit on fitness assessments on another thread reminds me of a 120 squadron CO's determination to reduce the 15% sickness rate on the squadron which caused a couple of training flights to be cancelled

The squadron was paraded and informed of a "Get Fit and Stay Fit" regime that would be introduced with IMMEDIATE effect for ALL ranks - no exceptions.

The whole muscle mechanics department took up residence on the squadron and created a daily non-stop exercise and sports programme. PE was followed by X-country runs in the morning, football, baseball, and rugby after lunch, fencing, trampoline and athletics for those on standby in the evening.

After slightly less than three weeks, the squadron sickness rate due to broken limbs, sprained and strained joints, backache, headache and neckache, giddiness, vertigo and de-hydration was 38% !

The squadron had to be temporarily withdrawn from the "Combat Ready" status.....................resumption of coffee-bar clowns and lounge lizards
spending all day playing Uckers, Risk, Bridge, struggling with the Daily Telegraph crossword and catching the occasional cough, cold or 'flu.
(No TV or Videos in those days, just an old 1154/55 in the corner tuned to the Home Service)

[GlosMikeP]

Told me by the embarrassed miscreant who shall be known as Lofty.

Lofty was standing under the wing of a Shack in his No 1s some time during the mid 70s when he was spotted by an old Nav school chum. "Hi there Lofty. Didn't expect to see you here. What are you up to?"

"Oh", said Lofty "Right pain in the a:mad:e, I've been joed to show a bunch of RCDS gollies around the aircraft".

Unbeknown to Lofty, stealthily amassing behind him was a small crowd of very senior officers from every nation from New Zealand east and north through to Canada, at the head of which was a large Nigerian general. Speaking beatifully crisp Oxford English:

"And the first of the gollies are here Flight Lieutenant, dear chap!".

Open the earth!

[Pontius Navigator]

I had one of those moments too escorting a bunch of junior pongo staffers, capt/maj down to the E3 Simulator. Usually mouth music drivel, held the door open and pushed about 10 through, then, "really it is almost like black magic", stepped back holding door for next dozen as pitch black African army officer, huge cheesy grin, moved from behind my shoulder.



Shrink :\

[GlosMikeP]

My own happened in the 8 Sqn crew room in about 1981. I'd broken my ankle while running and had, rather foolishly in hindsight (hindsight that came as quick as a flash, all too late and too soon) taken up residence in the crew room, sat on a stool with leg propped on soft chair next to the telephone.....which wouldn't stop bloody ringing with people asking inane questions, which I dutifully answered.

After an hour of this, I cracked (still hadn't the gumption to hop somewhere else!), announcing to one and all in earshot: "If that bloody phone rings again, I'll say something equally daft back."

Ring, ring....ring....Oh well, I can't back out now!

"8 Sqn telephone answering service, answering service speaking!"

Disembodied voice at the other end:

"Good morning Flight Lieutenant, this is the Station Commander here; can I speak with Sqn Ldr Elias please?"

Thinking "Oh sh:mad: !"...but saying, calmly..."Certainly, sir, he's just here."

Staish: "Thank you Mike"

To howls of laughter and much rib sticking, I just survived until happy hour where I received a beer from a certain Gp Capt for the amusement given.

[Pontius Navigator]

ROFLOL, I remember that. Sandy Wilson of curtains fame was it not?

My own happened in the 8 Sqn crew room in about 1981. I'd broken my ankle while running and had, rather foolishly in hindsight (hindsight that came as quick as a flash, all too late and too soon) taken up residence in the crew room, sat on a stool with leg propped on soft chair next to the telephone.....which wouldn't stop bloody ringing with people asking inane questions, which I dutifully answered.

After an hour of this, I cracked (still hadn't the gumption to hop somewhere else!), announcing to one and all in earshot: "If that bloody phone rings again, I'll say something equally daft back."

Ring, ring....ring....Oh well, I can't back out now!

"8 Sqn telephone answering service, answering service speaking!"

Disembodied voice at the other end:

"Good morning Flight Lieutenant, this is the Station Commander here; can I speak with Sqn Ldr Elias please?"

Thinking "Oh sh:mad: !"...but saying, calmly..."Certainly, sir, he's just here."

Staish: "Thank you Mike"

To howls of laughter and much rib sticking, I just survived until happy hour where I received a beer from a certain Gp Capt for the amusement given.

[GlosMikeP]

The very same. Fine chap with a decent sense of humour.

[GlosMikeP]

While filling in on the Herc thread, I remembered another at my own expense.

After Uni I held at Lyneham as the ops officer on HTES until IOT beckoned me forward in early 77. There I was in the bar of a Saturday night with a disco blaring away, wallet full of moths, bar book full of writing and veins full of beer. The ususal I suppose, even at Lyneham.

There was a vision of loveliness and beauty writhing on the dance floor in a black cat suit. Stood next to me was a chap who made a passable impersonation of Manuel from Fawlty Towers, one Harry Burg***e.

"Crikey, Harry, what would you give for a night in bed with her eh? What a beauty!".

Smiling in delight and no little mischief, Harry dropped the bombshell "No problem Mike, I do most nights. She's my wife."

Oh let the earth open!

But the torture didn't end there. Call me paranoid if you will but she was out to get me (but only if I was lucky). Every time I played squash after that, the vision of loveliness and beauty had the slot before me and never even once failed to smile with great warmth at me and pat my bottom on her way out.

[A2QFI]

The RAF was very proud of its Belfast freighters but they were certainly not very fast! However, disparaging remarks and comments were not well received. One of the first ones to go to Changi via Gan sent an arrival signal from Changi. I do not know the correct format but roughly speaking, it said "Belfast XB 225 arrived serviceable at Changi, ex Gan, at 1745 GMT, flight time 11 hours 56 minutes. No signs of scurvy amongst the crew". Laughter from the junior officers and sense of humour failure at HQ!

[mossie_uk]

Many moons ago as a fresh faced and eager young airman (I really was!) I was on a control sortie with a delightful young controller called Kate, the sortie was 2 F4's with one of them having a QFI in the back seat. Kate told the student pilot to turn left onto heading 350, the pilot acknowledged and left the transmit open, the QFI's duclet tones came over "she said port cnut" I often imaging the look on the studes face as he realised he wasn't the only one to hear it.

[haltonapp]

Captain of Vikers Funbus Tanker crew at airshow in US at post airshow drinks party responding to this greeting from a USAF pilot, "Hi I'm Thunderbird 4", "Oh really, I'm Obnoxious Too"!

Same squadron, Boss walks into crewroom (U................D), someone says have you seen X, no says boss I have just come from the toilet! Pass anyone we know was the response from someone in the room (B Eagle I think). Crewroom dissolves into laughter!

[GlosMikeP]

One told me by my father from his time in Germany in the 50s. I don't believe it for a minute but it's a good tale all the same, but then again.....

Young airman on the gate is told by the Orderly Officer "It's AOC's Inspection today. Station Commander's order, no one leaves the station without getting a haircut."

Dutiful airman takes great glee in reversing the track of all who try to pass, who hadn't clearly and visibly been clipped, until a large and shiny SNCO approaches like a vision of orderliness, but not obviously with the requisite hair cut...

Airman "Orderly Orficer's orders, getchyer air cut".

Vision of orderliness "What!", and pointing at the badge on his forearm with his batton "Do you know what this is!".

Airman "I don't care if you are in the band, getchyer air cut"

History does not record what happened next.

[camlobe]

8 Sqn taxi service returning from Filton. On board are all the Lossie top brass (excepting OC OPS who remained at Lossie to man the fort) plus ground crew.

Staish flying with Rog R**D in the R/H seat as befits a QFI. Good approach, (not bad at all for someone who didn't normally fly a 42 ton, 4 engined, taildragging fighter - well, 8 was a fighter squadron, you know) followed by a smooth touchdown.

A person, who shall remain nameless, sat near the Nav's desk complements on intercomm the fantastic landing by the Staish.

Rog R**D spends the next ten seconds OFF intercomm getting the aircraft off the grass and trying to prevent the groundloop.



GlosMikeP, with reference to that fine man Beery Weir, IIRC there was quite a cadre of pipe-smokers on 8, as well as cigars and ciggies. On many trips, I can remember going IMC often between nose and Elsan. All seemed to change from the late '80's.
Remember one trip when we were going south for BBMF to have their pre-season Lancaster 'type training' on our venerable Shacklebomber. We were also transporting my motorbike, strapped up by the port observers window. Chris B**th, then OC 8, asked if there were any smells of petrol fumes down the back. On being told no, he then issued the command

'smoking permitted forward of the galley!'

Ah, they were good days.

camlobe

[GlosMikeP]

Ref Beery and his pipe...

We were on a Fan Angel off Keflavik talking to Drainage, when Beery lost his pipe down the coaming. Much cursing and swearing ensued on intercom. The pipe, aircraft and controllers at Drainage all getting a piece of his fertile imagination.

Then Drainage called "Very colourful language 55", so spilling the beans Beery's switch was as live as his language.

Oh bless him! Where would we be without life's characters. Despite his colourful disposition at times I never knew him speak ill of anyone, even if he did question their parentage on occasion.

[BEagle]

Captain of Vikers Funbus Tanker crew at airshow in US at post airshow drinks party responding to this greeting from a USAF pilot, "Hi I'm Thunderbird 4", "Oh really, I'm Obnoxious Too"!

Actually, young Pierre, 'twas the co-pilot and the US chap was 'Blue 2' from the Blue Angels. Co-pilot was somewhat tired and emotional and reportedly said "Really? Well I'm Obnoxious One, so f*ck off!"

You think we'd ever be invited anywhere where the Thunderturkeys were posing? At least the Blues came over and chatted....

Same squadron, Boss walks into crewroom (U................D), someone says have you seen X, no says boss I have just come from the toilet! Pass anyone we know was the response from someone in the room (B Eagle I think). Crewroom dissolves into laughter!

'twas not I, young Pierre, 'twas Mars-bar!

Have you still got the whole of TTF's ex-Gulf War NBC combopens, NAPs, BATs and other stuff? You did know that we kept scouring the building for all that crap to fill up your drawer with, didn't you? It was the Flt Sgt's idea....

Hope you're keeping well!

[mossie_uk]

I was on a driving course at RAF St Athen when I heard this story.
The parade square was sacrosanct, as everybody knew, except for the erk who was sauntering across it, thunderbird jacket open, no hat and hands firmly plunged into pockets. The SWO's voice rumbbled through the air "YOU" we all looked towards the doomed airman "STAND STILL" the SWO marched across the parade square and stood 4 inches from the guilty bastard, he was incoherent with rage, only one word in six being clear enough to understand. The words were "haircut" , "Jacket" and "Hands". Gleefully looking on and praining God it wasn't us, we were gobsmacke to hear the bloke say "Oy mate I'm in the RAC not the RAF". Cue tumbleweed rolling across the square as the SWO looked for a victim to vent his wrath and not a soul in sight as we hid behind building and dustbins till he'd gone.
not sure if its true but it made me laugh

[waldorf]

Was a very shiny APO in 90 en route to Saxa Vord to undertake a 6 week hold (shredding classified waste!). On arrival (finally) am met at the Mess entrance by a very old cpl steward sporting a horrific facial scar and equally nast glare. He relieves me of my luggage with curt instructions of 'follow me c..t'! On entering my allocated room said steward advises that the rest of the Mess membership (total 5) were gathered in the bar to meet me. Steward promptly leaves but only after helping himeself to the pocket shrapnel I had just emptied in to the ashtry and uttering 'thanks for the tip c..t'! On entering the bar I note with alarm that the assembled appear otherwise engaged in strange, bordering on insane, acts while religeously ignoring me. A couple of guys were slumped over a table, absolutely still but with their heads touching. Another was sat cross legged in the corner sucking his thumb......you get the picture. Eventually, the PMC enters and ushers me to the bar and attempts introductions to the non-receptive audience. The afore mentioned steward appears behind the bar and promptly dispenses drinks along with choice language. Several beers flow in short order and the anti is increased remorselessly. I decide not to bite, that is until the steward vomited in my direction with impressive accuracy. Things get a little heated before the charade is terminated by all involved. The steward turned out to be the PMC (dentist sqn ldr and thoroughly fine chap as it transpired), the PMC was the real steward and the assmebled other folk were not really insane. After about half an hour or so of normality, another couple arrive (mixed sex) and head my way. I casually enquired during the handshake 'don't tell me, your the gardener and this is your slut of a wife'. Instant silence follows and the handshake abruptly terminates. PMC finally breaks the silence and introduces me to Mr and Mrs Staish, who unfortunately for me, were not in on the gag.

[GlosMikeP]

In the FC community you could be excused on occasion for being a bit confused.

One chap at Benbecula after a funny few instances, not least I'm told, giving the Staish some hasty advice, was thought to have 'toppled his gyros' and was sent to Wroughton for deep and meaningful assessment in Ward 13.

Well, he wasn't off balance (actually he was extremely bright). On returning to Benbecula he was able then to tell the rather stupefied and not a little disappointed senior officer, that he was sane and produced the certificate of proof. He then asked:

"Where's yours?"

[SamCaine]

waldorf,

That was absolutely proceless :D

[An Teallach]

Waldorf

If you are who I think you may be, I was the rather camp officer doing needlepoint at the corner of the bar that night.

[blackwithwhitestripe]

on a cosy survival course was shown john nichol and john peters on the board as part of a case study in big bold letters was their names and positions in the aircraft respectively. I then preceeded to ask which was the navagator on board to the roar of laughter from the rest of the studes. To which the rock ape instructor replies "John you ****" Felt like a complete tit and i am not even commisioned (yet). :D

[Pontius Navigator]

I understand it was a good question though. :}

[allan907]

The night of 9/10 July 1975 - VC10 XV106 - Wg Cdr Richar*s (boss of 10) in the LHS - AKR-GAN and in the radio dead spot somewhere over the Indian Ocean.

Co-pilot (can't remember name) tries to contact Gan Area without too much success. Succession of calls "Gan Area, Gan Area, Ascot ...." greeted with absolute silence. He then goes into silly mode, "Gonnorhea, Gonnorhea, Ascot..." to be instantly met with "Ascot .... this is Gonnorhea...." :E

[GlosMikeP]

Reminds me of the Andover returning UK from France:

"London Mil, this is Ascot XX; I'm an Andover at Dover on handover, over!"

[MightyGem]

...and that reminds me of a radio call in NI circa 1975, "The Landrover handover/takeover is over, over".

[umba]

or the job card raised by Bruce Chapple to swap drop tanks on a Tonka with work required as 'Jugs to be juggled' and the Sooty response in the work carried out as 'Jugs juggled satis'

[windriver]

"and that reminds me of a radio call in NI circa 1975, "The Landrover handover/takeover is over, over"

and another on the theme...


I'm an Andover over Dover request handover to Hanover over.

[Lon More]

IIRC the original was an internal co-ordination at LATCC "Radar 'andover Andover Dover over."

[4PON4PIN]

Hope "Jenkins" recall will put you all right as I believe it was his TX enrte to Aldergrove from Salisbury plains with cargo of Bustards to restock NI.
He was an Andover on handover from Andover with a Landrover and Bustards on board.
Confirm your a landrover with bastards on board!!?

[GlosMikeP]

Well I suppose someone could have asked if the cap fitted.......and at least he wasn't asked to squawk...

[jindabyne]

Absolutely and utterly off thread, but I spotted this on my geriatric bike ride this morning and couldn't resist - maybe the undertaker wishes he hadn't said that, but there again he too may have a GSOH -----

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c192/jindabyne/Hearsey.jpg

Mods - sorry it's a tad big (needed to show the words on the notice)

[GlosMikeP]

Brillaint if, as you say, off thread. It does appeal to the warped aircrew sens of humour though!:ok:

[dodgysootie]

recently while out east, a young Nco rigger standing back up after investigating a suspicious pool of fluid from near a Nimrod mainwheel:-

Rigger: This is strange, It doesn't feel, smell or taste of hyd oil??

Sootie: Thats because its my pi$$!!!

Honest its true.
DS

[movadinkampa747]

Beagle............"Would I sooner have a chopped Valley AFTS Hawk pilot as a co-pilot or some idle, underachieving trucky who never made it that far? Your guess"

Hmmmm

[Ronwells]

In the mid 60s I was a VIP pilot with RAFG squadron based at Wildenwrath.
On one of my trips I carried the Moderator of the church of Ireland to Gatow. He was dressed in a stovepipe hat, long cloak, black clothing and shoes with silver buckles. On arrival at Gatow one of the groundcrew came to my window and asked if my passenger was batman

[GlosMikeP]

Two old boys who, having fallen out at university, never reconciled their differences, met again many years later at Heathrow while waiting for the same delayed flight to Brussels. By then one was an Admiral, sharp as a knife, and the other a bishop, smooth as silk - or so he appeared.

The bishop spotted his old enemy first...."How long is the flight delayed, steward?"

The Admiral seeing the bishop was by now a little portly and dressed in his finest garments and ribbons replied "Madam, if I were in your condition, I wouldn't travel!"

[BEagle]

The only 21st Century tanker currently flying is fitted with bits of kit which need crypto loads. The data fill ports are fitted on the flight deck on the rear cockpit wall, behind the right hand seat.......

Or, as was described in Jinglish by a colleague to an audience today:

"Zey are in ze backside of ze first offizier"

:ooh:

[GlosMikeP]

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

[Gainesy]

I'm glad I didn't say that...:zzz:

[LuckyBreak]

Recent skiingtrip to Austria payed for by her Majesty and one of our pilots goes to meet his girlfriend halfway through the trip. Afterwards we questioned him..

"So Tommy, when you met your girlfriend did you get your 'Currency' back in? nod, nod, wink wink"

"I didn't need to fellas, I still had plenty of Euros from the ferry terminal"...

Not the sharpest tool....

[GlosMikeP]

The only 21st Century tanker currently flying is fitted with bits of kit which need crypto loads. The data fill ports are fitted on the flight deck on the rear cockpit wall, behind the right hand seat.......

Or, as was described in Jinglish by a colleague to an audience today:

"Zey are inzerted in ze backside of ze first offizier"

:ooh:
Recent bendover banger incident to mind, I don't suppose he was a pongo was he by any chance?

[1771 DELETE]

Don`t know if this applies as it is self inflicted, Many years ago when flying in the Adriatic with the then new Sandpiper IR, i spotted and reported "a hot air balloon on the starboard side and slightly high". It took the pilots a couple of minutes of searching to come back with " I think you found the moon" Anyway, Op Sharpguard was for us, fairly enjoyable !!:rolleyes:

[GlosMikeP]

I'm glad I didn't say that...:zzz:
Actually I'm not sure anyone else did either but it's a bloody good tale!

[TEEEJ]

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!


A bit of an Urban Myth:

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm

[dwhcomputers]

Late 1969 early 70 the Air Attache at the Embassy in Washington DC is invited to attend the opening night of the film "The Battle of Britain"
(AVM C-M was of course one of the Few) The flight across America(first class of course) to Los Angeles was uneventfull the arrival was a semi controlled crash.As C-M left the aircraft the Captain was stood at the door C-M turned to him and said "Young man that was the worst landing I have ever walked away from" To which the Captain quickly replied "Sorry Sir I was taught by the RAF" C-M being the perfect gentleman quickly walked on after shaking hands with the Captain.

[Wyler]

A certain Yorkshireman was flying his F3 with his girlfriend in the back (:rolleyes: ) and she had let slip that his middle name was Hector. Something he did not want published. He was to be handed off to Buchan for tanking. The call was made:
'Stand by for your vector to the victor in the northern sector, Hector'.


I was at the Queens Birthday celebration at the Embassy in Jordan in 1990. Having had far too much free champagne I did ask the Chinese Defence Attache for '3 portions of spare ribs to go'. First time I have been chucked out of an Embassy (followed by seething wife and amused friends).

[Blades clear]

A certain female Blackhawk pilot was heard to remark whist flying,
"It feels great to be back on the pole again".:eek:

[Collia]

Place: Riyadh South Airfield, Saudi Arabia, 70's.
Aircraft: C172 No. 8 Sqdn RSAF.

"Sparrow Formation Check-In"

#1 Well
#2 Oil
#3 Beef
#4 Hooked

[Flying_bear]

about the lighthouse myth, it was an advert for a company called silva , i'd post the video but i don't think you can in these forums.

[PhoenixDaCat]

The GR3 element for Desert Shield arrived in theatre made up of the best aircraft/crews from the mud world. OC calls the crews together and tells them to come up with a unit name as there is no one squadron and its too big to be a flight. After a while, the crews expecting to be joined by Saudi and Italian GRs came up with "Combined United Nations Tornado Squadron".
The next day they were told to think again...
Can remember a similar one to that. Days of UN in Bosnia. We were the second Lynx squadron in theatre, Croatian United Nations Taxi Service. Still got the t-shirt.
Would either of these units have been commanded by the guy who is now a regional commandant (Gp Capt) in the Air Cadet Organisation? I've heard him tell that story.

[WebPilot]

Would either of these units have been commanded by the guy who is now a regional commandant (Gp Capt) in the Air Cadet Organisation? I've heard him tell that story.


Could be...

One I heard the other day which tickled...

Mate's dad was an NS army trooper and spent some of his service in Aden, where he was mostly living in a hole in the desert. On one of the rare trips back to Steamer Point and the nearest equivalent to civilisation, he was tasked to get some new mossie nets and various other bits that would make life upcountry a bit more tolerable. He wasn't best pleased to end up queuing at the stores behind a dapper young RAF officer, who was giving the blanket stackers a hard time as they couldn't find him a new table-tennis net.

[WebPilot]

about the lighthouse myth, it was an advert for a company called silva , i'd post the video but i don't think you can in these forums.


Silva nicked the legend and made an ad from it, rather than the other way round. The legend seems to have been around since the 60s in one form or another!

[GlosMikeP]

Silva nicked the legend and made an ad from it, rather than the other way round. The legend seems to have been around since the 60s in one form or another!
What a pity.

[Exrigger]

I remember having a beef about some tech instruction that arrived on the team, of I went to the bosses office on entering my opening words were "What Gibbon thought of this bright idea", you guessed it he got onto his chair and did a very good impression of a Gibbon. My first response was to sink in a chair and groan, give him his due he was an ace guy and it only took him 40 minutes to explain the correct way of achieving my goals. Follow his advice every day now when I have a problem (sorry challenge).

[Master Mariner]

Brilliant read, has kept me amused for a quite few hours!

A little off thread but here goes;

Some years ago in Vietnamese waters of the South China Sea onboard a specialist Cable Lay ship, laying a Subsea Telephone cable from Malaysia to Hong Kong.

Onboard were two ageing Vietnamese army Colonels - probably of age to have fought in the War. They were there to oversee the operation in Vietnamese waters. Also onboard was one very large, loud American ex "Nam" Veteran, working as a rep for a Cable Operator (our customer).

One quiet morning the said Loud Yank chap arrives on the bridge in search of our two Vietnamese Colonel VIPs, and yells "anyone seen the goddamned G;) ;)KS?".

"Yes, they are behind the Chart Table".......Twas a very tense few moments on the bridge where you could hear a pin drop!

Lots of giggles after in the bar though, which livened up a very long job!

Said American was not seen much after that.:O

[BusterHot]

Now don't get me wrong, I have the highest regard for our Kansas Cousin's. It's just they have a slightly less "stuffy" attitude to R/T than us Brits and it does make for some amusing exchanges.

Mid 70's, Eastern UK crawling with USAF F4's. STEAD (sp?) formation of F4's en-route back to Lakenheath trying to get through Awy Blue 1.

"Eastern Radar this is Stead 15 flight, FL150, request clearance through Blue One....." Silence.

"Eastern Radar this is Stead 15 flight, FL150, request clearance through Blue One......" Silence.

Repeat x 2, Silence x 2.

Posh Brit voice "Stead Flight, why don't you try Eastern on xxx.x?"

"Ah what the hell, we're through the c£$%sucking airway anyway".

Also Mid 70's, same Wing, over West Wales.

"Stead 65, after weather avoidance, what's your intended rollout heading?"

"270 if I can get round these c£$%sucking thumbly bums!".

Didn't hear it, but the F111 trying to get clearance down the Tumby Bomb Plot from Drayton on 243 was apparently hilarious.

Keep this thread going, it's a cracker.

[BusterHot]

And a few of Binbrook Gems.

Messing about before landing one afternoon, future wife on "Talkdown", requested a GCA. Configured, 8 miles, checks complete.

"Begin descent now for a 2 and a half degree glide path....." Select a/b in, gear up, flaps up, advance throttles and maintain glide. Talkdown gets faster and faster until doing 550 kts at a mile and a half, frustrated voice says, "Very funny smartass now piss off to Stud One!"

----------------------------

How are nicknames achieved? East of the Spurn Point Lighthouse one afternoon, lead of a 4 giving a new JP some practice.

"4, are you with this formation or are you just trying to Savage it?!" (Hows life in Virgin Savage?)

---------------------------

Or the young JP learning to tank off a Delta Wing bomber after the Falklands War and after one memorable trip became known as Spok. Why, because he F$%^£s Vulcans!

---------------------------

During the tenure of one Captain Cowpat and midway through one of his "punishment" exercises after we failed TACEVAL because of one of his cock ups. Experienced mate punches out during the exercise after the back end bursts into flames as he tries to relight No 2 after a slightly non standard endurance extending procedure. Come up out of the "bunker" to watch the chopper land, guy guarding the entrance says

"Is Mr Xxxx OK sir?" "Yes I think he's fine." "Thats good. Shouldn't say it sir, but I wish it'd been the Stn Cdr and he'd gone in with the f$%^&*£ aeroplane!" (I had him charged immediately.......). Popular bloke - not.

--------------------------

And finally for now, extracted from the 226 OCU linebook which somehow ended up in the LTF crewroom. At a beercall in the Coltishall crewroom circa early 1970's, pilot talking to rather masculine SACW bowser driver who went by the name of AVTAG Annie.

AA "Just 'cause you're an Orficer doesn't mean I can't fump ya!".

[GPMG]

Did you really charge him?

[ORAC]

Which calls to mind one of the SACs at 280SU during our only callout* at 280SU back in about 1977. This was the time of Dad´s Army on TV where Corporal Jones' catch phrase was "Don´t panic Mr Mainwaring."

Said SAC was racing around the MT yard shouting "Don´t Panic!" when a certain officious engineering officer came along. The SAC skidded to halt, threw up a smart salute and exclaimed, "Morning Sah! Sorry Sah! You can panic Sah!", then raced off again.........

*The word had come down from upon high that sufficient time had passed since the Turkish invasion and Cyprus was TACEVAL vulnerable again. The CO had a call out plan written and decided to exercise it.

The siren duly went and we raced off up the hill to work. We did seem to pass a lot of cars for such an early hour, but thought no more about it.

They did at the leave centre and admin site, where the local Mayor and most of the village pitched up asking for sanctuary, as they thought the Turks were on the move again....

After various complaints and investigations, we were advised we were no longer TACEVAL vulnerable - and never had another callout.......

--------------------------------------------------------------

Which then brings to mind when we reinforced 280SU shortly after the Yanks bombed Libya. The royal yacht, Britannia, was coming through the Suez canal and Med and the worry was that the Libyans would launch their (2) Blinders and bomb her in retaliation. We, along with 3 VC10s and about 6 F4s were sent to provide top cover during her transit. She would transit as far north as possible till she could duck into the Greek islands.

Come the day before and the Met man predicted blue skies. Come the day, it was solid cloud from 5000ft to 35000ft. Which made AAR a bit of a problem. The cunning plan agreed was that one VC10 and 2 F4s would CAP and AAR around the ship at 4000ft whilst a second VC10 did Middleman. That tanker would rotate down to low level to relieve the first as the third arrived etc etc.

All went well till they gotr within radar range of the Greeks who wondered what was going and the F4s reported that a "twin prop flying boat" had appeared and was being nosy. They were instructed to "Intervene and escort away". The aircraft was duly escorted away.

It turned out, of course, to be a Greek navy HU16 Albatross, who came back about an hour later with 2 live armed Mirage (might have been F4s, my memory is going..).

"What do we do now Oly?"

"Standby........"

[BusterHot]

Did you really charge him?

Er,..........................No!!!!!:} In fact, had difficulty keeping a straight face and then went away and had a damn good chuckle!

[MrFlibble]

This thread's got to be one of the funniest things I've read in years, but nothing so far beats Waldorfs post on Page 34...

Quoted for truth :D



Was a very shiny APO in 90 en route to Saxa Vord to undertake a 6 week hold (shredding classified waste!). On arrival (finally) am met at the Mess entrance by a very old cpl steward sporting a horrific facial scar and equally nast glare. He relieves me of my luggage with curt instructions of 'follow me c..t'! On entering my allocated room said steward advises that the rest of the Mess membership (total 5) were gathered in the bar to meet me. Steward promptly leaves but only after helping himeself to the pocket shrapnel I had just emptied in to the ashtry and uttering 'thanks for the tip c..t'! On entering the bar I note with alarm that the assembled appear otherwise engaged in strange, bordering on insane, acts while religeously ignoring me. A couple of guys were slumped over a table, absolutely still but with their heads touching. Another was sat cross legged in the corner sucking his thumb......you get the picture. Eventually, the PMC enters and ushers me to the bar and attempts introductions to the non-receptive audience. The afore mentioned steward appears behind the bar and promptly dispenses drinks along with choice language. Several beers flow in short order and the anti is increased remorselessly. I decide not to bite, that is until the steward vomited in my direction with impressive accuracy. Things get a little heated before the charade is terminated by all involved. The steward turned out to be the PMC (dentist sqn ldr and thoroughly fine chap as it transpired), the PMC was the real steward and the assmebled other folk were not really insane. After about half an hour or so of normality, another couple arrive (mixed sex) and head my way. I casually enquired during the handshake 'don't tell me, your the gardener and this is your slut of a wife'. Instant silence follows and the handshake abruptly terminates. PMC finally breaks the silence and introduces me to Mr and Mrs Staish, who unfortunately for me, were not in on the gag.

[Release-Authorised]

A giggle from Lossiemouth in the 1980s.... Following a RHAG engagement the young lady in ATC came up on the radio:

"Lossie Combine, this is Lossie Tower. The airfield is black - I've just had an abortion on the runway".

I won't repeat the comments that came back.

[Il Duce]

"Speechless aircraft pass your message." Yes, I did transmit that.

[NutherA2]

1st November 1955, R/T exchange:

"Mayday, Mayday,Swinderby, Easy Jig inverted spin, ejecting".

"Aircraft calling Swinderby say again, your steer is 350".

[Wessex Boy]

Early on Crewman course at Shawbury in late '80s, decided to follow usual first solo induction of standing out on the step and Hitler-saluting fellow stude transiting in the opposite direction, only to find it was Crewman Leader (A Very, very longserving Aircrew person) with Staish at the controls.....I had a little chat with him about that one...

Later after 3 days of bad Wx went and collected 2 x Barrels from Officers Mess (I was only stude on Sqn with Landrover on F600), which we duly drank, followed by trip to Shrewsbury (buttermarket) followed by drink-ette in the Sgt's Mess. It finished with myself and one of the live-in instructors carrying another Instructor up the stairs to his room, unfortunately he had already fallen over and cut his chin right across on a Bar Stool, and then releived himself at the top of the stairs, after an impromptu Banjo jamming session I retired at 5-ish:E

Just before morning prayers the Crewman Leader asks Instructor about the colour/state of him and his large gash "Cut myself Shaving Sir", he was sent back to the mess....Then the other instructor fell asleep during morning prayers...so he was sent back.
At three times during that day, I was summoned to the Crewman Leader's Office to be grilled about what had gone on, due to the various complaints/rumours about noise, mess, etc. Obviously as he was an Officer I had to respect the code that what happens in the Sgt's Mess, stays in the Sgt's Mess.....unfortunately my Instructor was the Sgt's Mess Manager:(

[Floppy Link]

RAF Bishops Court, Stn Cdrs block inspection.

Stn Cdr to young SAC "Do you have a licence for that television?"
Young SAC to Stn Cdr "No, sir"
Stn Cdr to young SAC "Why not?"
Young SAC to Stn Cdr "It's a microwave, sir"

Allegedly :}

[Top Right]

A story told to me by a Nimrod mate who sadly went before us in 1995, one of the 7 in the Lake Ontario display accident.

In a bar at RAF *** he was in a conversation with 3 other guys, one of whom had recently arrived. This new chap had hit upon a fact about the other 2. "Hang on, if you 2 were going through **** training at RAF **** in 19**, you must have known ******* ****** (a female)".

Having exchanged knowing looks and winks, the 2 turned to him and admitted, "Yes, we knew her, one night I was at one end and he was at the other. Why, how do you know her?"

The obvious but allegedly true punchline ....... "she's my wife"

My friend was a top bloke, and his story always brings tears of laughter to the eyes - a great way to remember him. He told me he had to just turn away at the time and control himself, but I've never stopped wondering how the new guy went home that night. Was it a case of just ignoring the fact, or maybe a case of "Honey, I'm home, and I've brought a couple of old friends back with me"?

[Pilot Pacifier]

Downtown Doncaster back in '89. In Park Lane, flashing the aircrew watch but to no avail.

Friend of mine saunters up to a girl sitting at a table with a load of her friends and says, "Excuse me, would you like to come up to the dance floor and dance with me?"

She replies, "What, with a baby!"

Quick as a flash he replied in the loudest voice possible, "Oh, I didn't know you were pregnant" and walked off leaving the rest of the girls at the table sniggering at their now deflated friend! :D

PP

[A2QFI]

Sgt to Apprentice. Have you just had you haircut in working hours?
App to Sgt Yes Sgt
Sgt to App You shouldn't - it doesn't all grow in working hours
App to Sgt I haven't had it all cut off Sgt


Again - allegedly

[luffers79]

(One for our older ex R.A.F. members.).

Many are the stories told about a certain "Abandoned Earl" - some are in this thread previously.
Around 1956/7 he was our AOC (or was he C in C ??). (Memory lapse !!) in Germany, & the funny stories were becoming a little tarnished, for various reasons.
He was due to do the Annual Inspection of our station and, in the usual manner, (for about the previous month) much painting, servicing, extra drill parades/blanco- ing, formation flying practice, cleaning etc was carried out by everyone of the approximately 1000 plus staff of Gutersloh, or was it Wunstorf ?? (Memory again!!).
Anyway his aircraft landed & he asked to be taken straight to the Sergeants Mess bar.
The station personnel were all getting messages of the progress of said Inspection. The message was always the same, "he´s still in the bar in the sergeants mess". This went on for the next 3 or 4 hours. (lunching arrangements for everyone were modified/delayed.).
Eventually we heard that he had been driven direct from the bar to his aircraft, & that was that. People were furious.

Many years later, now a civilian, I was at a flying club function. Someone came up to me & said, "Weren´t you in the R.A.F. in Germany in the 50´s ?" Someone would like to meet you. Little did I know it, but the Earl was there talking to Sir Alan Cobham of Flight Refuelling fame.

Earl:- How do you do. Did our paths ever cross ?
Me:- Yes sir. You were to do an inspection of the station I was based at. I didnt see you because you went straight from your aircraft to the sergeants mess bar & then went straight from there to your aircraft some hours later, and that was the end of the inspection !
Earl (threateningly !!):- WHAT DID YOU SAY !!!!!! ???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me (thinking of the disgust everyone felt at the time) just repeated what I had just said. Sir Alan said nothing.

The Earl continued his conversation with Sir Alan (& ignored me). I excused myself after a few seconds.
I´m Glad I said that.

[N Joe]

Many years ago, my wife went on an interviewing course with Customs and Excise to train her to get specific answers to specific questions. At a sqn function soon afterwards, she got chatting to my sqn boss:

Mrs Joe: So what do you do?
Boss: I'm the sqn boss.
Mrs Joe: Oh.... so what do you do?
Boss: Well, I'm in charge of the sqn.
Mrs Joe: Yes.... but what do you do?
Boss made excuses and mingled elsewhere.

Behind every passed-over flt lt, there's a woman who didn't realise that winding-up the boss was a bad idea!

N Joe

[BrianN1]

Many years ago the Harrier mates were enjoying their regular camping trip to Sennelager Training Area, Darkest Northern Germany. The GLO (tame army officer), a Major in the Fusileers was giving the mates a ground defence briefing and was sporting the distinctive red and white cockade behind the badge in his berret.

"Remember," he said, "A Soviet sniper will always go for a chap in flying overalls."

One mate then said to another, "If I was a Soviet sniper, I'd go for the chap with a feather in his hat!"

[Yeller_Gait]

That's hilarious Brian, ......not!


Or am I missing something?

You weren't a major in the army by chance?



Y_G

[airborne_artist]

It's not military but:

A friend was being introduced to the local Rev., who liked it to be known that he was correctly titled Rector. The introduction went ahead, and she put out her hand and said "How very nice to meet you, Rectum"

[Tightly Wound]

Was being taught to start a Huey a while back and did not realise that when you depress the footswitch in the Huey, you transmit on whatever external box is selected (as many have before me).

My stick buddy and I were getting taught how to start the aircraft and he was in another aircraft with his instructor at the time.

My instructor told me to get a good grip of the throttle since the gloves might not grip as well as I expected; meanwhile my stick buddy was having trouble with the ICS (had some funny static) and his instructor said "Mate, take out the lead and just lick the tip of the connector and see if you can get a better connection".

I inadvertantly hot miked the statement " OK Sir, I have a good grip of it".

Straight after this my stick buddy, prior to disconnecting hot miked the words
"Just confirm you want me to lick the tip of it?"

There was a brief pause (we had no idea we had hot miked) before the transmit button in the tower was depressed but there were no words forthcoming, just the sound of people trying not to die laughing.

:oh: TW

[SixOfTheBest]

Yeller,

You really are an Arch-Tw*t aren't you! Go on then....tell us something really funny.....prat

[GICASI]

Yeller/Six of,
I have been amazed at the longevity of, and the quality of, contributions to this thread. I hope fellow chucklers would agree that your latest contributions (provocation understood -Six of) are not in tune with the body of the kirk
How's about a funny one? As an offering:
Waddo - early 80s. Air Officer from Bomber Command/1 Gp/whatever it was called appeared as the final turn in a mass brief prior to mass launch on a Waddo/Scampton Taceval. He summarized the priorities of the mish, and finished, arms folded, with a rhetorical:
"Gentlemen. Any questions"?
After an excruciatingly long silence, a (top bloke) Flying Officer at the back piped up with:
"Yes Sir. What ever happened to Freddie & the Dreamers?"
GICASI

[BrianN1]

Dear Mr Gait

I am sorry if my post did not meet your exacting standards. Was it the harrier pilot gallows humour? Or did you not understand the metaphorical references to Taceval Deployments (camping)? Or the fact that the Harrier was known as the Bona Jet and the drivers as Bona Mates? This was all well over twenty years ago, perhaps you are merely not old enough.

[red3]

Hong Kong 1963

US destroyer tied up alongside.

Ship's broadcast in mega decibels booms out all over Hong Kong and Kowloon, reverberating off the hills and buildings...

"'NOW HEAR THIS' - FOR'D SWEEPERS SWEEP AFT, AFT SWEEPERS SWEEP FOR'D. LIBERTY GUYS TO GLAMORIZE, GET FELL IN ABAFT THE AFTER FANTAIL... THE USE OF FOUL LANGUAGE IS FORBIDDEN UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - THERE'S C***T ON BOARD".

I heard it!

[The Scottish Fg Off]

In the highly dynamic world of a visual circut somewhere within the confines of 2 Gp, I had a C130, late downwind, and a hawk on instrament, looked abit tight, but I thought i'd be a good Airtrafficker and let the station-based get his circut in.
The C130 was cleared to roll, but proceeded to to the longest roll ever, as as Hawk was getting close to being broken off. I shout,
"Move it Dog F**ker" refering to the C130 to get off my runway, which he does, and the hawk only just gets in.
Turning around to see whats going on in the VCR, is the padre and a civillian trainee vicar at the top of the stairs, having poped up to have a look at whats going on in ATC.

Sit back, relax, how do you think that went?

[Mystic Greg]

Red3 reminds me of a story I heard second-hand (but it bears repeating).

The former MP Dame Janet Fookes was given an air experience flight in a Nimrod to help inform her membership of the House of Commons Defence Committee. Much sniggering about the good lady's name from the young siggies during the pre-planning stage led the Captain to order that her name was not to be mentioned at any stage lest the crew disgrace themselves. All was going well until the aircraft commenced a demonstration of anti-submarine warfare techniques; the pungent mixture of Nimrod smells coupled with the aircraft's violent manoeuvring at low level had a predictable effect on the MP who had to retire for a lie down, accompanied by a collection of air-sick bags. Cue the following intercom call: "Captain from Third Dry - the lady whose name we can't mention: she's tits-up in the galley!"

[228 OCU]

Many years ago at a funeral of a colleague (an only son).
We were all in our best blues in a line outside the crematorium.
When his mother came down the line to thank all of us one-by-one for attending, she stood in front of me and said "Thank you for coming, I did not know Kevin had so many friends".
Without thinking I replied " Oh that's alright, anytime"
:oh::mad::mad::O:O:O




If in doubt BANG OUT.

[neilmac]

Sitting on Basra Approach couple of years back: BA pilot in his finest posh english accent calls me
"Basra Radar Speeedbird 123"
"Speedbird 123 Basra Approach pass message"
"Could we possibly have the score in the cricket match ?"(something called the Ashes)
In my finest Scottish accent " Do I sound like someone who would be interested in cricket?"
"eehh Basra Approach sorry to bother you Speedbird 123"

Its ok I did tell him eventually!!

Not as much fun as when in Ops in the old days with ASMA terminals and RN ships around the world asking you for footie scores, I know some terrible people who used to give them completely the wrong scores! Very cruel !

NM

[cornish-stormrider]

Lossie engine bay, mod rep and my chief is giving the bigwigs the spiel on what we do etc etc, as they are looking over a module 10 shaft bigwig spots the four cutouts in the front of the shaft, you know the ones by the phonic wheel and asks what they are for. The stumped chief smiles and says, oh they are oilways to allow the oil to pass. Could I resist correcting him in front of everyone?

0800 next morning bosses office hat, shiny shoes, stood to attention and no coffee.

I was never in the bay for any more visits and left secure in the knowledge that my job was done.

[Occasional Aviator]

Fairly recent one....

Happy hour RAF XXXX offs' mess. Group of XX Sqn aircrew drinking, among them one of the first openly gay aircrew, not drinking that night. Boss arrives in 'hail fellow well met' mode and attempts to press a drink on everyone. First time round the 'good with colours' lad says "No thank you sir", "go on, have a beer" says the boss after noting the rest of the round. "No, I'm OK" he replies. Boss "Go on, don't be a poo.....don't be like that...."

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

The C130 Loadmaster's brief for the Airfield Attack was thorough, but he neglected to mention that on NVG's, a red light is green.

The skin grafts have taken quite well.

[snoopy1107]

I heard this story from a bloke in the mess bar, so can't vouch how true it is.

There was a base down south that had some FJ and Mutli guys, the FJ guys were always giving the Mutli guys stick about not being the 'elite' (this is the words said to me not my opinion).

The Annual Dinning in Night came about and the Multi guys decided to get their own back, throughout the night there was teasing during each other speeches, where the Multi guys took out a huge saw and proceeded to cut their table in half.

The FJ guys thought hold on a second we're not letting these guys go one better so they took the saw and cut their table in half.

The next morning the FJ guys are all called into the Station's Office, given a huge bollocking and told they would pay to have the Mess table replaced.

The FJ guys were a bit confused/ annoyed that the Multi guys weren’t too getting a bollocking and enquired into this, to find out that the Multi guys had previous to the night beginning swapped the table they were sitting at with an old second hand one out the local scrap yard.

:ok:

N.B. If you were there that night and can give the real account, please P.M me as it would be great to know how much this story has grown arms and legs before arriving at me.

[An Teallach]

Snoopy
I wasn't there at the time, but I first heard this story as being at ALD and involving 72 Sqn and 230 Sqn with a 2nd hand table bought at Nutts Corner market.

Can't remember which of the 2 were the amateur furniture restorers who got the upper hand.

[BEagle]

From what others have told me, this is a pretty accurate account given by 'Jensen' in the famous PPRuNe '1 Gp Dining-In Night at Waddington' thread of a few years ago:

I wasn’t there, so any witnesses correct me if I’m incorrect, but this Dining-in was at Marham during the ‘80s, when the resident units were 27 Sqn, 55 Sqn and 617 Sqn. You can imagine the constant rivalry/banter between the younger Tornado boys and the older and wiser Victor crews; rivalry which came to the fore at Dining-in nights.

On this occasion, as was usual, each sqn occupied its own leg to the top table, with the blunties occupying a 4th leg. As the evening went on, the banter and insults flew as they always did. Inevitably, the Tornado boys started shouting that all Victor crews were old/weak/knackered/past-it etc. In response 55 Sqn replied that anything the Tornado sqns could do, they could do better.

Out of nowhere, 55 Sqn produced a lumberjack’s saw. This was one of the huge old-fashioned saws – the one’s that are 10 feet long, and need a person at each end. 55 Sqn cleared the mess table that they had been sitting around until a few seconds before, and started sawing the mess table in half!! With a couple of sweating Victor aircrew at each end of the saw, it was still hard work to saw through the big table, but with the rest of 55 Sqn behind them, and the astonished Tornado crews looking on, eventually the formerly-gleaming mess table fell to the floor in two pieces.

After a short stunned silence, one of the Tornado sqns decided that it had to prove that it was of course still younger/stronger/quicker than 55 Sqn. So a couple of Tornado aircrew picked up the saw, and attacked their own mess table. By now the dining-room was in uproar. After a huge effort, they managed to cut up their own table in slightly less time than it had taken 55 Sqn. Next, the second Tornado sqn took the saw and cut its own table in half, again, in only a few seconds. So now the dining-room furniture had been almost demolished, with three of the finest mess tables lying on the carpet in pieces.

Of course, the next morning, the senior representative from the three sqns were summoned before the Stn Cdr, where inevitably they would each be presented with a large mess bill for one replacement table. Fair cop. Once inside the CO’s office, the 27 Sqn and 617 Sqn representatives looked at each other, and then they looked at the CO, and said “Why isn’t 55 Sqn here?” The CO replied “55 Sqn isn’t here because the table they destroyed last night didn’t belong to the Mess, it was a second-hand table that they had bought the week before.”

[snoopy1107]

An Teallach,

That sounds familiar. Chinese whispers fella, I wonder what the same story will sound like in 5 years.

Snoopy