You Know You Are In Africa When.....
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A positive note
Just before Christmas I was done for speeding outside Maun. The new lazer guns they have are British made 
No speed sign I was just supposed to know it was 60 not 80 km/hr. When he showed me the gadget I was pleased with my precise 80.1 km/hr and asked what the problem was and he explained. No point in arguing particularly when you've been in the pub all afternoon 
I went to the cop shop promptly to pay as I put it, 'a donation to their Christmas party fund'. I kindly asked them to explain the speed limits. He said a certain distance out of town it is 120, closer in 80, close still 60 and in town 40. He however explained (to this clearly very thick Brit) if the traffic in town is travelling slower than 40 I was to comply with this lower speed 
I wrote a letter to the local rag with this story, which was published, congratulating the police on their safe driving campaign (name and address supplied!)
A few weeks ago I was driving at a steady 60 km/hr, on a clear road, and a Toyota truck pulled out straight in front of me. I said to Mrs Exascot I will teach this a lesson. I pulled along side the slowly accelerating truck until I was abeam and started to easy him onto the extensive hard shoulder at the side (which most people use to accelerate up to speed on when pulling onto the road). I glanced across and saw 'Lice' down the side and presumed it was pest control. Mrs Exascot had her head in her hands say 'Oh my God Oh my God'. No stamina, this woman, I thought, until I glanced back and saw that in front of the 'lice' was 'Po' in blue letters. Abeam the truck by this point with him half shoved off the road I waved through the open windows to the driver in uniform and greeted him with a cheery 'Good afternoon officer'. he pulled over and let me past. So its not all bad 
No speed sign I was just supposed to know it was 60 not 80 km/hr. When he showed me the gadget I was pleased with my precise 80.1 km/hr and asked what the problem was and he explained. No point in arguing particularly when you've been in the pub all afternoon I went to the cop shop promptly to pay as I put it, 'a donation to their Christmas party fund'. I kindly asked them to explain the speed limits. He said a certain distance out of town it is 120, closer in 80, close still 60 and in town 40. He however explained (to this clearly very thick Brit) if the traffic in town is travelling slower than 40 I was to comply with this lower speed I wrote a letter to the local rag with this story, which was published, congratulating the police on their safe driving campaign (name and address supplied!)A few weeks ago I was driving at a steady 60 km/hr, on a clear road, and a Toyota truck pulled out straight in front of me. I said to Mrs Exascot I will teach this
a lesson. I pulled along side the slowly accelerating truck until I was abeam and started to easy him onto the extensive hard shoulder at the side (which most people use to accelerate up to speed on when pulling onto the road). I glanced across and saw 'Lice' down the side and presumed it was pest control. Mrs Exascot had her head in her hands say 'Oh my God Oh my God'. No stamina, this woman, I thought, until I glanced back and saw that in front of the 'lice' was 'Po' in blue letters. Abeam the truck by this point with him half shoved off the road I waved through the open windows to the driver in uniform and greeted him with a cheery 'Good afternoon officer'. he pulled over and let me past. So its not all bad
Join Date: Feb 2008
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...When they shout PASSPORT in your face every ten steps
When they shout "PASSPORT!" in your face, every ten steps. I think it makes them feel important...
View Work - Writers Harbor
link to website: View Work - Writers Harbor
View Work - Writers Harbor
link to website: View Work - Writers Harbor
Last edited by Dysfunctional; 4th Jun 2013 at 17:22.
Join Date: May 2013
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As pax - when the crew for the flight you are booked on fails to turn up, and you are invited to stand in the aisle of the next one.
As pilot - when, having failed to elicit any response from the tower of what looks like a fairly major airport, you assume a radio failure and commence circling o/h and then notice a motorcycle hurtling up the road from the town nearby. A couple of minutes later your radio miraculously bursts into life...
As pilot - when, having failed to elicit any response from the tower of what looks like a fairly major airport, you assume a radio failure and commence circling o/h and then notice a motorcycle hurtling up the road from the town nearby. A couple of minutes later your radio miraculously bursts into life...
When you watch the 737 Captain doing his walk-round, cigarette in one hand and carrier bag containing 2x Johnnie Walker in the other.
Not a good look
Not a good look
Last edited by pohm1; 14th Jun 2013 at 10:07.
Join Date: Feb 2008
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...when you are not allowed to depart from Tanzanian airports because
a) you are not a resident of Tanzanian and
b) you travel to somewhere else than your homecountry
wolfganghthome.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/of-trials-and-tribulations-when-visiting-tanzania/
a) you are not a resident of Tanzanian and
b) you travel to somewhere else than your homecountry
wolfganghthome.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/of-trials-and-tribulations-when-visiting-tanzania/
Last edited by Hawkeye0001; 6th Aug 2013 at 08:40.
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... when after overhearing several utterly unnecessary and silly exchanges with ATC your passenger turns to you and asks: "Could it be that this guy is a complete moron? I really do not think this man should be controlling airplanes in the sky..." 
Join Date: Jun 2013
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I had a very bad day, two Russians trying to kill me on short finals, then a 45 minute hold whilst an aircraft that was held together with duct tape and wire (I am pretty sure) had a double engine failure. They then proceed to push it off the runway and we landed. Not fifteen minutes later, after the hammer and spanners came out the aircraft was fixed and all the pax piled back in and it took off. Whilst we stood and watched not even a test flight was preformed. Then we load up our pax and took off to base, I had been away from home for 6 weeks and my boyfriend who I had not seen for three months was scheduled to come up (we flew for the same company) so I extended my contract. When we landed it was pouring with rain, as I walked out of the airport I saw my other half looking at me, killing himself laughing. My white (or rather yellowing shirt from the African laundry) was soaking wet, and he says you could see everything through my bra, my hair hung down like a pile of straw, dirt under my nails and a bit of string tying my shoe together as the lace broke a few weeks earlier. "oh my" he said "if the Sandton girls could see you now"
Join Date: Sep 2013
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...when Air France "champion of the world 98" ho is speaking french only but has an english icao level 7 is always number one on landing, start up, taxi...except in Lagos.
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...when it takes ten minutes to assemble a fuel pump with the "help" of 6 (!) villagers, the Wazee A, B, C, D, E and F:
A assembles the pipe consisting of 3 pieces.
B dis-assembles the pipe on the bottom-end while #1 finishes assembly at the top. Start over.
Dand E meanwhile hold the pump (2kg! At least!)
C screws pipe into pump now held by D, E AND F, while B holds bottom end, thus unscrewing the pipe in the middle again. Start over. Again.
D meanwhile opens the fuel drum. The empty one. Give pliers, ask to open the full drum instead. Start over.
A, B, and C are now on the right track, all twisting and turning in the same direction.
F decided 2kg is light enough for two guys to hold, proceeds to fit the hose. Into the empty drum. Explain again to everybody: we transfer fuel from the FULL drum into the helicopter. The aim is not to transfer fuel from the FULL drum to the EMPTY drum... "Aaaah!"
A, B, C, D, E and F turn the pump assembly around twelve-handedly. Pipe in drum, hose flinging around precariously close to the new $5000 paint job.
A opens the fuel cap. Drops it from 5 feet on the $5000 paint job.
C hands the hose to the other side by dragging it over the skin leaving a bunch of marks. On the $5000 paint job. Again.
B joins on the other side to help me hold the nozzle (4 hands? Really?), of course not leaving out the opportunity to step onto $6000 floatation device fitted to the skid that has written "NO STEP" all over. An invitation, indeed.
After refueling, spilling and closing everything up do all steps in reverse and load up again. "Please hand me the fuel pump" - "Pump? What pump?" - AAAAARRRRHHH!
East Africa. Everyone does whatever they wanna do, no one knows what to do, but everybody joins in to help. Gotta love it
A assembles the pipe consisting of 3 pieces.
B dis-assembles the pipe on the bottom-end while #1 finishes assembly at the top. Start over.
Dand E meanwhile hold the pump (2kg! At least!)
C screws pipe into pump now held by D, E AND F, while B holds bottom end, thus unscrewing the pipe in the middle again. Start over. Again.
D meanwhile opens the fuel drum. The empty one. Give pliers, ask to open the full drum instead. Start over.
A, B, and C are now on the right track, all twisting and turning in the same direction.
F decided 2kg is light enough for two guys to hold, proceeds to fit the hose. Into the empty drum. Explain again to everybody: we transfer fuel from the FULL drum into the helicopter. The aim is not to transfer fuel from the FULL drum to the EMPTY drum... "Aaaah!"
A, B, C, D, E and F turn the pump assembly around twelve-handedly. Pipe in drum, hose flinging around precariously close to the new $5000 paint job.
A opens the fuel cap. Drops it from 5 feet on the $5000 paint job.
C hands the hose to the other side by dragging it over the skin leaving a bunch of marks. On the $5000 paint job. Again.
B joins on the other side to help me hold the nozzle (4 hands? Really?), of course not leaving out the opportunity to step onto $6000 floatation device fitted to the skid that has written "NO STEP" all over. An invitation, indeed.
After refueling, spilling and closing everything up do all steps in reverse and load up again. "Please hand me the fuel pump" - "Pump? What pump?" - AAAAARRRRHHH!
East Africa. Everyone does whatever they wanna do, no one knows what to do, but everybody joins in to help. Gotta love it
Last edited by Hawkeye0001; 16th Jan 2014 at 23:09.
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Man I'm glad this post is still alive. Had a good a few years ago. Requested start up from Bujumbura tower and was promptly denied. FO affirms negative start up clearance and stares out the window. I tell him to ask why. He complies and is told that we don't have all our pax. I put my accusing finger of justice on the transmit button and tell the tower that we are scheduled to depart in 5 minutes and that I decide when we close our doors and leave amd not his drunk self. He reaffirms that we have negative startup amd that we are waiting on a VIP. I explain that this is a scheduled airline and not private VIP transport for a 3rd world government. Silence....I ask him if Burundi is seizing the property of the government airline of another African country. 20 seconds pass and an excited controller shouts that "VIP coming Captain, he coming!", several new land cruisers approach at high speed and the vice prime minister of Burundi hurries out, obviously irritated at being "advised" to be on time. After turn around, tower asks if we would like the runway lights on, the FO looks at me inquisitively and I say to ask how much. Tower replies $200 or a similar number, I ask if they'll turn on half for half price. We were still smiling as we banked towards a setting sun over lake tanganika.
Join Date: Nov 2003
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Similar occurrence just up the road in Kigali. Told by tower to wait for VIP when we requested start. As we were a scheduled flight, we politely declined and started then asked for taxi. Tower getting a bit excitable by now but we got out of there with no further problems except for a pissed off VIP who was under the impression that our sched was there for him to command as he pleased.
Couple of weeks later we had the same thing, except this time it was accompanied by two armoured vehicles parked at our nose with trigger happy ****heads in them who kept their Duschkas trained on the cockpit while we 'waited' for the idiot VIP.
Minor functionaries with crocodile sized egos and chipmunk brains are not endemic to Africa, although the place does seem to breed them at an alarming rate.
Couple of weeks later we had the same thing, except this time it was accompanied by two armoured vehicles parked at our nose with trigger happy ****heads in them who kept their Duschkas trained on the cockpit while we 'waited' for the idiot VIP.
Minor functionaries with crocodile sized egos and chipmunk brains are not endemic to Africa, although the place does seem to breed them at an alarming rate.
Join Date: Aug 2003
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....when you're flying a fixed wing into a controlled airport at 120kts, and the ATC asks a helicopter behind you to orbit 360 degrees for spacing to be able to position behind you.....
... when a scheduled airline in a 767 mistakes a 6000' ft runway for a 10,000' one and lands at a small airport instead of the international one he's aiming for. AND STOPS (more or less) on the runway
.....when a visiting VIP Falcon forgets to put chocks on and rolls into the terminal building
.... when you've just landed your turboprop at the international airport and turning off the runway, you look behind you to discover a 747 cargo plane landing over the top of your tail without a clearance. And tower haven't noticed!!
.... when your take-off departure clearance includes a warning about a wet runway, and the possibility of skidding due frogs on the runway!!
... when a scheduled airline in a 767 mistakes a 6000' ft runway for a 10,000' one and lands at a small airport instead of the international one he's aiming for. AND STOPS (more or less) on the runway
.....when a visiting VIP Falcon forgets to put chocks on and rolls into the terminal building
.... when you've just landed your turboprop at the international airport and turning off the runway, you look behind you to discover a 747 cargo plane landing over the top of your tail without a clearance. And tower haven't noticed!!
.... when your take-off departure clearance includes a warning about a wet runway, and the possibility of skidding due frogs on the runway!!
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... when a scheduled airline in a 767 mistakes a 6000' ft runway for a 10,000' one and lands at a small airport instead of the international one he's aiming for. AND STOPS (more or less) on the runway
Join Date: Nov 2010
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... when a country randomly decides to commemorate ex-leaders by changing airport ICAO codes (HTDA --> HTJN, HTZA --> HTAK) and then decides to change them back a week later.... doyyyyyye
And in the meantime all databases have arleady switched to -> JN and AK 
european pilots complaining about everything but never quit and go home sweet home, maybe because situation is worse in europe?
Staggering!
