You Know You Are In Africa When.....
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...when you know that getting start is going to take so long that you stay in the airconditioned shack/nissen hut/container next to your aircraft where at least you can smoke, talk nonsense with your mates and drink coffee, while calling for start on the handheld you've procured for just this purpose.
Last edited by Doodlebug; 5th Jul 2011 at 20:55.
Drain Bamaged
When you see two guys putting down red a long red carpet in preparation for the incoming independence day.
Then they got caught by a 767's jet blast who had to do a 180 to get out of its parking spot.
The red carpet rolled all the way back to its initial position....With one of the guy stuck inside from the start!
Almost like if they (767) were there to get some revenge
Then they got caught by a 767's jet blast who had to do a 180 to get out of its parking spot.
The red carpet rolled all the way back to its initial position....With one of the guy stuck inside from the start!
Almost like if they (767) were there to get some revenge
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...oh, and when the country's capital city's airport has been closed, yet again, with no prior notice due to endless 'VIP movements', so much so that the Russians/Ukrainians driving the AN12s and similar start declaring fuel emergencies and dive out of the hold for the runway, ignoring ATC's screamed orders for them not to do so.
Last edited by Doodlebug; 14th Nov 2010 at 21:50. Reason: spellink
**The only Air ambulance, on loan (Single engine piston aircraft) is sent back to the owners (In Europe) because of a lack of AVGAS $$. The yearly budget required is just about US $ 120K. Meanwhile, The president of Senegal (Along with his son) has just purchased for US$ 40 Millions the Former French President's Aircraft (A-319).
EADS used to participate in funding the Air Ambulance (About 30~40K US $), the rest was donated by various NGO's but because of the economy, the full budget required couln't be obtained hence the return of the aircraft to the owners. OH YEAH, the Senegalese governement (Via their "Senators") was participating to the tune of.... US $ 4,000.00 (That's right, four thousand dollars per year). Only in AFRICA !!!
**
EADS used to participate in funding the Air Ambulance (About 30~40K US $), the rest was donated by various NGO's but because of the economy, the full budget required couln't be obtained hence the return of the aircraft to the owners. OH YEAH, the Senegalese governement (Via their "Senators") was participating to the tune of.... US $ 4,000.00 (That's right, four thousand dollars per year). Only in AFRICA !!!
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On Friday afternoon you receive an email from your boss :
“As a result of a commitment made to our colleagues in Zombaland, we have agreed to send a trainer there to give a two week training course to their six staff who all have a minimum of 6 months experience on the Zomba Air system, Fully Automated Integrated Logistically Updated Reservations Equipment, (referred to by its acronym FAILURE). Please prepare the documentation and be there by Monday morning "
So you arrive in the capital of Zombaland, Dustville, after three missed connections, to discover that it is closed on Sundays, and that your hotel is four day's per diem (local currency not accepted) taxi ride from the airport. Of course you were told that taxis are plentiful and cheap.
You are booked in the best 5 star hotel, they have your reservation and there is hot water on tap for that long relaxing bath. In fact there is no cold water as the water pipes run over the roof which has baked all day in the tropical sun. Unfortunately the beer from the minibar is about the same temperature as the bath water as electricity is only available between the hours of 0320 and 0415 on alternate Thursdays when there is an 'r' in the month, unless the preceding Wednesday corresponds with the birthday of a member of the extremely fertile Royal family.
The office is in the only building in Dustville which is built from bricks and mortar. It has a smartly uniformed security guard who won't let you in because he can't read your letter of invitation. That is why you carry a good supply of pens and pins and a pocket full of small change.
Zomba Air's chief executive is also the pilot, check in agent, baggage handler, and head steward. He is also Zombaland's Immigration Minister and Customs Controller. He welcomes you with a warm smile and leads you to the room which has been set up for the training, with 6 chairs and tables. No computers, but that can be overcome, as pencils and notepads (used only on one side) are provided.
The staff crowd in, 5 to a desk, and you ask for 19 extra copies of the training manuals (you bought a few extras 'just in case'). They tell you that photocopying is sent out to a firm in Evendustierville and normally takes 9 days. You didn’t even bother to find out if the ones you sent via UPS had arrived, because you knew instinctively that even if UPS had managed to get them to the right part of the world and on time, they would be stuck in customs waiting for some ‘clearance’ document to arrive. The document would be a large quantity of dollar notes ……. But last time you did this your boss didn’t allow you to put in on expenses so you are not going down that road again!
After introducing yourself to the class and forcing down a cup of the local coffee equivalent accompanied by a strange green doughy substance which they tell you is a local speciality for honoured guests (justification for carrying a good supply of Alka Seltzer and Lomotil), you begin to explain the objectives of the course and realise that there are some puzzled faces. You ask for questions and there are none. You look more closely at the glazed expressions on the faces of your students, and you realise that some of them are asleep, some are showing obvious signs of substance abuse, which makes you think back to that strange green doughy substance they gave you, and you begin to understand why it was green.
The temperature in the room rises rapidly and the sound of snoring echoes off the walls. A tropical bird flies in through the open window, chirping merrily and settling on the lampshade to finish breakfasting on a small insect whose tail is hanging out of its mouth. As it nods off, it deposits a large part of its partly digested meal on the desk below. A large lizard is climbing up the back wall, and you are finding it very hard to concentrate.
Fortunately you have given this course so many times before that you are on autopilot. Your voice sounds distant and disembodied. Somehow you get through the day and find your way back to the hotel where you collapse, inert, into the armchair in your room, which, in turn, collapses under you in a cloud of dust. You fall asleep wondering if the beer you ordered from room service is going to appear, and when you awake, in the middle of the night, it is only because you are being eaten alive by the largest mosquitoes you have ever seen. The next day, you think, can only be better. How wrong you are, in your trusting innocence.
Welcome to Africa.
“As a result of a commitment made to our colleagues in Zombaland, we have agreed to send a trainer there to give a two week training course to their six staff who all have a minimum of 6 months experience on the Zomba Air system, Fully Automated Integrated Logistically Updated Reservations Equipment, (referred to by its acronym FAILURE). Please prepare the documentation and be there by Monday morning "
So you arrive in the capital of Zombaland, Dustville, after three missed connections, to discover that it is closed on Sundays, and that your hotel is four day's per diem (local currency not accepted) taxi ride from the airport. Of course you were told that taxis are plentiful and cheap.
You are booked in the best 5 star hotel, they have your reservation and there is hot water on tap for that long relaxing bath. In fact there is no cold water as the water pipes run over the roof which has baked all day in the tropical sun. Unfortunately the beer from the minibar is about the same temperature as the bath water as electricity is only available between the hours of 0320 and 0415 on alternate Thursdays when there is an 'r' in the month, unless the preceding Wednesday corresponds with the birthday of a member of the extremely fertile Royal family.
The office is in the only building in Dustville which is built from bricks and mortar. It has a smartly uniformed security guard who won't let you in because he can't read your letter of invitation. That is why you carry a good supply of pens and pins and a pocket full of small change.
Zomba Air's chief executive is also the pilot, check in agent, baggage handler, and head steward. He is also Zombaland's Immigration Minister and Customs Controller. He welcomes you with a warm smile and leads you to the room which has been set up for the training, with 6 chairs and tables. No computers, but that can be overcome, as pencils and notepads (used only on one side) are provided.
The staff crowd in, 5 to a desk, and you ask for 19 extra copies of the training manuals (you bought a few extras 'just in case'). They tell you that photocopying is sent out to a firm in Evendustierville and normally takes 9 days. You didn’t even bother to find out if the ones you sent via UPS had arrived, because you knew instinctively that even if UPS had managed to get them to the right part of the world and on time, they would be stuck in customs waiting for some ‘clearance’ document to arrive. The document would be a large quantity of dollar notes ……. But last time you did this your boss didn’t allow you to put in on expenses so you are not going down that road again!
After introducing yourself to the class and forcing down a cup of the local coffee equivalent accompanied by a strange green doughy substance which they tell you is a local speciality for honoured guests (justification for carrying a good supply of Alka Seltzer and Lomotil), you begin to explain the objectives of the course and realise that there are some puzzled faces. You ask for questions and there are none. You look more closely at the glazed expressions on the faces of your students, and you realise that some of them are asleep, some are showing obvious signs of substance abuse, which makes you think back to that strange green doughy substance they gave you, and you begin to understand why it was green.
The temperature in the room rises rapidly and the sound of snoring echoes off the walls. A tropical bird flies in through the open window, chirping merrily and settling on the lampshade to finish breakfasting on a small insect whose tail is hanging out of its mouth. As it nods off, it deposits a large part of its partly digested meal on the desk below. A large lizard is climbing up the back wall, and you are finding it very hard to concentrate.
Fortunately you have given this course so many times before that you are on autopilot. Your voice sounds distant and disembodied. Somehow you get through the day and find your way back to the hotel where you collapse, inert, into the armchair in your room, which, in turn, collapses under you in a cloud of dust. You fall asleep wondering if the beer you ordered from room service is going to appear, and when you awake, in the middle of the night, it is only because you are being eaten alive by the largest mosquitoes you have ever seen. The next day, you think, can only be better. How wrong you are, in your trusting innocence.
Welcome to Africa.
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After being here 3 months now I'll add a few contributions...
YKYIAW....
- the people in the flight planning office continually ask you if you have "brought them some water"
- you have seen and carried more money in cash than you are likely to make in your whole career
- you quit caring about birdstrikes, and focus more on monkey strikes
- a 'dogleg' runway/strip is one where you cant see the other end around the corner
- airport diagrams are regularly written on napkins
- air to air comms is done on the ATC frequency, totally bypassing the helpless 'controller'
- vectors received commonly put you into a) prohibited airspaces or b) terrain
...more to come.
YKYIAW....
- the people in the flight planning office continually ask you if you have "brought them some water"
- you have seen and carried more money in cash than you are likely to make in your whole career
- you quit caring about birdstrikes, and focus more on monkey strikes
- a 'dogleg' runway/strip is one where you cant see the other end around the corner
- airport diagrams are regularly written on napkins
- air to air comms is done on the ATC frequency, totally bypassing the helpless 'controller'
- vectors received commonly put you into a) prohibited airspaces or b) terrain
...more to come.
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You know your in Africa ( Luanda ) when....
Seeing some local guy dressed a little similar to a penguin in the middle of traffic directing you through with his arms......but then immediately pulls you over for driving through a red light....
what F*%$en red light, you had your arms up waving me through,you ask 
Said local then waves his arm up in the air and asks....What color am I ?
Blooody hell this may get somewhat ackward I said to my gingerbear ....uuuummmm I dont know !
WHAT COLOR AM I ? He now shouts waving his arms again.......eeeeesh I say ,You are Black ! ....WRONG.......He is waving his arms in the universal ( Luandan ) sign for Red .....as in " I am a red light so you must stop !
what F*%$en red light, you had your arms up waving me through,you ask Said local then waves his arm up in the air and asks....What color am I ?
Blooody hell this may get somewhat ackward I said to my gingerbear ....uuuummmm I dont know !
WHAT COLOR AM I ? He now shouts waving his arms again.......eeeeesh I say ,You are Black ! ....WRONG.......He is waving his arms in the universal ( Luandan ) sign for Red .....as in " I am a red light so you must stop !
Wingunder
If you were suntanned and driving a big black car there are no "RED LIGHTS"
You are pale and driving a piece of crap and have a big dollar sign in neon lights on your forehead.
Many thousands of Kwanzas will rectify this error, although there is an increasing demand for USD.
If you were suntanned and driving a big black car there are no "RED LIGHTS"
You are pale and driving a piece of crap and have a big dollar sign in neon lights on your forehead.
Many thousands of Kwanzas will rectify this error, although there is an increasing demand for USD.
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I haven't read all the posts but a similar incident to one mentioned in the first post occurred to me many years ago. I was checking out the emergency (!) facilities available at a small airfield prior to a Royal Flight. I was being shown around ‘the fire engine’. I asked them to start it up. Apparently the engine didn’t work. I asked how on earth they would get it to an incident. I was informed that they would push it. It gets better… I asked them to demonstrate the machine’s fire fighting capability. It was empty. Apparently when full it would be too heavy to push. We did go in there in the end but had a serviceable unit brought in from the nearest large airfield. This probably reduced said airfield to none.
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I didn't actually report the whole story. The thing is they were very proud of their job and their vehicle. One can’t take the p…s too much they have to work with what is given to them like ‘the’ uniform which they were equally proud of. There were four of them lined standing to attention next to their machine ready for inspection. One wore ‘the’ boots, another ‘the’ trousers, another ‘the’ jacket and the chief ‘the’ helmet. I must hasten to add they were wearing other clothes. I have many other similar stories from around the world on Royal pre-flight inspections. It is not just Africa of course. Try India, for example – never again! But Africa – you can’t keep me away from Botswana (not the county involved in this story incidentally).
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The story about the fire engine reminds me of going through 'security' somewhere in Central Africa, I think it was probably Ndola, prior to boarding. Everything was done manually as the electricity supply to the airport was out.
I was asked to put my hand baggage onto the belt to go through the x-ray tunnel. I asked why. "Eet ees for security ....."
My bag was then pushed through the tunnel using a long pole and to smiles all round I was told it was OK to take on board.
I was asked to put my hand baggage onto the belt to go through the x-ray tunnel. I asked why. "Eet ees for security ....."
My bag was then pushed through the tunnel using a long pole and to smiles all round I was told it was OK to take on board.
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- Their is no fence around the airport and you are told to look out for animals on the runway.
-There a people driving on motorbikes along the runway
- Somebody build a house 100 ft before the threshold
- You carry more guns than passengers
- You file 4 copies of your flightplan, and still atc don't know who you are, and where you are going
But its great fun! Be careful out the
-There a people driving on motorbikes along the runway
- Somebody build a house 100 ft before the threshold
- You carry more guns than passengers
- You file 4 copies of your flightplan, and still atc don't know who you are, and where you are going
But its great fun! Be careful out the
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This story takes place with a 200ft cloud base in a certain west African country.
When you have an engine fire at V1, report or it to TWR, and he says, after about two minutes..."station calling?"
You finally get the message across to him, and he says," ok, proceed to the IAF for the 15 nm DME arc ILS approach."
Negative sir, we need to come back asap, will fly a shortened ILS because we can't get the fire out. Please get the emergency vehicles out.
"ok route to the IAF for the 15 nm DME arc ILS approach."
Negative sir, we are flying a shortened ILS because we need to land urgently, as we cannot put the fire out. Please send the emergency vehicles out.
"ok report at the IAF for the 15 nm DME Arc ILS approach..."
Negative sir, we will call you on short final. Confirm any traffic on the approach?
" affirm captain, you must fly the approach, report at IAF"
So you call final approach, runway in sight, please get the vehicles out.
"ok, clear to land."
By this time notice fire has gone, so taxi off the runway and shut down in usual parking spot.
Pax get out and make a huge scene about this not being their planned aerodrome of arrival....no **** Sherlock
Go to the aero club, have a coffee and a smoke, go for a piss, and a total of eighteen minutes later, two fire trucks screech to a halt beside our aircraft...
When you have an engine fire at V1, report or it to TWR, and he says, after about two minutes..."station calling?"
You finally get the message across to him, and he says," ok, proceed to the IAF for the 15 nm DME arc ILS approach."
Negative sir, we need to come back asap, will fly a shortened ILS because we can't get the fire out. Please get the emergency vehicles out.
"ok route to the IAF for the 15 nm DME arc ILS approach."
Negative sir, we are flying a shortened ILS because we need to land urgently, as we cannot put the fire out. Please send the emergency vehicles out.
"ok report at the IAF for the 15 nm DME Arc ILS approach..."
Negative sir, we will call you on short final. Confirm any traffic on the approach?
" affirm captain, you must fly the approach, report at IAF"
So you call final approach, runway in sight, please get the vehicles out.
"ok, clear to land."
By this time notice fire has gone, so taxi off the runway and shut down in usual parking spot.
Pax get out and make a huge scene about this not being their planned aerodrome of arrival....no **** Sherlock
Go to the aero club, have a coffee and a smoke, go for a piss, and a total of eighteen minutes later, two fire trucks screech to a halt beside our aircraft...
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...when insufficient control of said mudbox becomes a crime.
BBC News - Malawi row over whether new law bans farting
BBC News - Malawi row over whether new law bans farting