You Know You Are In Africa When.....
Join Date: Sep 2008
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No! All good! I never realized how incompetent and corrupt the UN was until I got to the continent. First world police/military multinational agency who is less efficient and proactive than the governments of the third world countries they claim to protect, what a joke...On a more pleasant note, capitalism is thriving in Africa. Where else can you buy literally anything you want without penalty of copyright infringement or health code concerns. Very refreshing. Once again, never leaving...
I have just spent a really enjoyable time reading this thread.
Thanks to all.
Brings back fond memories of flying in Afica.
Some days you just had to shake your head.
If you didn't have good sense of humour it was not a good place to work.
"Florida 2000" - Hollywood could never do the place justice!
The UN - yah gotta laugh. Ditto for some of the NGOs.
Thanks to all.
Brings back fond memories of flying in Afica.
Some days you just had to shake your head.
If you didn't have good sense of humour it was not a good place to work.
"Florida 2000" - Hollywood could never do the place justice!
The UN - yah gotta laugh. Ditto for some of the NGOs.
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Alright, not trying to hijack this forum but I'm relatively new to the continent and have more things that make me laugh to share...So you know you're in Africa when your "professional" driver has less aptitude behind the wheel than you did as a teenager. When you get excited that you have Internet and working tv. When you have to look at your currency to remember what country you're in. Al Jazeera news is a viable and informative channel selection. The water in your room is hot enough to scald(when it works) and your monthly laundry bill is more than the average yearly income of most people in the country you're in. You have to ferry 1500 miles to fix anything more complicated than a tire change. You have adopted primitive sign language for most communication outside of the cockpit. "what you mean stabilized approach?". Diesel fumes and body odors don't bother you anymore. No one gives you dirty looks when you smoke in a restaurant. You can name the local beer of at least 10 different countries on the continent but can't remember who the vice president of your own country is. Your fellow countrymen irritate you if they're not pilots and try to talk to you at the hotel bar(especially if they don't have boobs!). Okay, that is all!!!:-). Take care everyone!
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These have all happened to me while professionally flying in Africa:
Approaching airport we asked tower for weather only to be told there was no one in the tower qualified to give met reports so they just read out the last actual which was from the previous day.
At 2,500 feet on approach, approach control asked us to go around and land with a tailwind. When asked why it was because they had filled in a hole on the runway overnight and the tarmac was not yet dry. The hole was a third of the way down the runway landing into wind and we had to goaround and land with an eight knot tailwind and stop before the soggy bit 2/3 down.
On the above approach having had to goaround the first time for soggy patch avoidance we had to goaround a second time as no contact when transferred to tower despite multiple calls and going back to approach on box 2. Either they were all still fast asleep (0500 first plane in) or the radio was turned down. I think the low flyby woke them up because passing 1000 feet during the goaroundTower called us up and said "You are cleared to land".
Boarding card. On departure one passenger had a handwritten boarding card which said 25A when given to him at check in. On arrival at the aircraft the 5 had been crossed out in an attempt to make it read 2A. His attempt failed and he admitted it with a beaming smile when challenged.
The NOTAM says the first 300 meters of runway is closed. You are landing at night and on approach you ask the controller if the runway lights for the first 300 meters are lit or not. He does not understand the question but just reiterates the first 300 meters are closed. You ask if the PAPIs have been adjusted to take into account the closed 300 meters and he replies the PAPIS are switched on. You ask the question several times phrasing it differently each time but do not get a definitive answer, he is getting frustrated and says “what is your problem?” You have just obtained your command on this jet and are only on your 3rd sector in the left seat. It is quite a short runway what do you do? We landed deep and braked hard. To add to the confusion the left hand runway lights started before the right hand lights.
The ILS is radiating sensibly but there is no ident. The VOR/DME gives you a good glideslope check. The weather is just below VOR limits.
You have to depart without uplifing any engine oil because the store was not locked overnight and someone has swiped all the oil cans. One of your engines is 1 litre below minimum dispatch quantity which is 20 litres. It will be a five hour drive to bring some in. You have to decide whether to follow SOPs or go.
On arrival at one airport if you give customs a goody bag of half used wash bags with some miniatures in them you can offload the bags directly into the crew bus and do not have to go via the terminal building .
At a different airport to the one above customs is rummaging a stewardess’s Delsey, takes out a vibrator and brandishes it above his head saying loudly “And what ees this?”. Her friend loyally suggests it might be a deodorant. Fits of giggles in the crew bus throughout the journey to the hotel. The stewardess remains ramrod straight, stoneyfaced and crimson throughout the drive ignoring comments from the back like “could it have been a thermos flask?”
Approaching airport we asked tower for weather only to be told there was no one in the tower qualified to give met reports so they just read out the last actual which was from the previous day.
At 2,500 feet on approach, approach control asked us to go around and land with a tailwind. When asked why it was because they had filled in a hole on the runway overnight and the tarmac was not yet dry. The hole was a third of the way down the runway landing into wind and we had to goaround and land with an eight knot tailwind and stop before the soggy bit 2/3 down.
On the above approach having had to goaround the first time for soggy patch avoidance we had to goaround a second time as no contact when transferred to tower despite multiple calls and going back to approach on box 2. Either they were all still fast asleep (0500 first plane in) or the radio was turned down. I think the low flyby woke them up because passing 1000 feet during the goaroundTower called us up and said "You are cleared to land".
Boarding card. On departure one passenger had a handwritten boarding card which said 25A when given to him at check in. On arrival at the aircraft the 5 had been crossed out in an attempt to make it read 2A. His attempt failed and he admitted it with a beaming smile when challenged.
The NOTAM says the first 300 meters of runway is closed. You are landing at night and on approach you ask the controller if the runway lights for the first 300 meters are lit or not. He does not understand the question but just reiterates the first 300 meters are closed. You ask if the PAPIs have been adjusted to take into account the closed 300 meters and he replies the PAPIS are switched on. You ask the question several times phrasing it differently each time but do not get a definitive answer, he is getting frustrated and says “what is your problem?” You have just obtained your command on this jet and are only on your 3rd sector in the left seat. It is quite a short runway what do you do? We landed deep and braked hard. To add to the confusion the left hand runway lights started before the right hand lights.
The ILS is radiating sensibly but there is no ident. The VOR/DME gives you a good glideslope check. The weather is just below VOR limits.
You have to depart without uplifing any engine oil because the store was not locked overnight and someone has swiped all the oil cans. One of your engines is 1 litre below minimum dispatch quantity which is 20 litres. It will be a five hour drive to bring some in. You have to decide whether to follow SOPs or go.
On arrival at one airport if you give customs a goody bag of half used wash bags with some miniatures in them you can offload the bags directly into the crew bus and do not have to go via the terminal building .
At a different airport to the one above customs is rummaging a stewardess’s Delsey, takes out a vibrator and brandishes it above his head saying loudly “And what ees this?”. Her friend loyally suggests it might be a deodorant. Fits of giggles in the crew bus throughout the journey to the hotel. The stewardess remains ramrod straight, stoneyfaced and crimson throughout the drive ignoring comments from the back like “could it have been a thermos flask?”
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Inbound to Cabinda in an S-76 from some rig off Angola. The usual long and involved radio call asking where we're from, ATD, ETA, POB etc told to report the field in sight. This duly done and next instruction is to report turning final. Hmmm. Ask the esteemed fella in the tower which runway and the reply is "The tar runway".
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In your own country you are no one important, yet in Africa, the ambassadors of 6 countries, 3 local govenor's the leader of the political opposition and the United Nations Commanding officer all keep your personal mobile phone number handy incase they have hot-foot it out of there in your plane, when the native's revolt.
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At a different airport to the one above customs is rummaging a stewardess’s Delsey, takes out a vibrator and brandishes it above his head saying loudly “And what ees this?”. Her friend loyally suggests it might be a deodorant. Fits of giggles in the crew bus throughout the journey to the hotel. The stewardess remains ramrod straight, stoneyfaced and crimson throughout the drive ignoring comments from the back like “could it have been a thermos flask?”
Batteries included????
Batteries included????Join Date: Oct 2006
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you must be on the continent when some fella with a big helping type smile walks towards your aicraft once parked and chocks your airie of less than 10000kg with 747 size jocks! the same gentleman with less of a smile this time presents himself close to taxying out demanding $50 dollars for the chock service...
all these characters always tries to make out to be one of the handlers helpers!
learn french!
anyways, crazy funny thread! it almost makes one miss operating out of these holes!
all these characters always tries to make out to be one of the handlers helpers!
learn french!
anyways, crazy funny thread! it almost makes one miss operating out of these holes!
Join Date: Jun 2006
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Proof that a brain is simply missing ...
At a airport in northern Namibia, Katima Mulilo, aiport security is well aware of its important function of screening passengers luggage. X-Ray machine, conveyor belt etc is all there, including one very eager security guy. He carefully screens the luggage on a X-Ray screen .... that is not working ... I sh1t you not. Luggage gets put on conveyor and he stares at his completely dark and dead screen ...
At a airport in northern Namibia, Katima Mulilo, aiport security is well aware of its important function of screening passengers luggage. X-Ray machine, conveyor belt etc is all there, including one very eager security guy. He carefully screens the luggage on a X-Ray screen .... that is not working ... I sh1t you not. Luggage gets put on conveyor and he stares at his completely dark and dead screen ...
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Runway gets closed due to anti-tank mines being discovered in the area.
One week later client begs you to do a Medivac which you do because its life or death (some Chadian military guy shot himself, in the stomach, in order to commit suicide one presumes).
The next week the client wants you to go to the same place again, for normal ops this time, and when you question them they say "but you went last week..?"
One week later client begs you to do a Medivac which you do because its life or death (some Chadian military guy shot himself, in the stomach, in order to commit suicide one presumes).
The next week the client wants you to go to the same place again, for normal ops this time, and when you question them they say "but you went last week..?"
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Hi,
Oh yesss...the infamous X-ray machines in Africa...happened the same to me both in Chad and in the DRC. Veeery eager security guards...
And the usual "client" thing: "but the aircraft has 19 seats, so why can't you take 19 pax?..."
Cheers,
booze
Oh yesss...the infamous X-ray machines in Africa...happened the same to me both in Chad and in the DRC. Veeery eager security guards...
And the usual "client" thing: "but the aircraft has 19 seats, so why can't you take 19 pax?..."
Cheers,
booze
Join Date: Jun 2007
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Damn .. and here I was, having worked for a Asian domestic short haul carrier, where mothers insists their child cannot be counted as another head, and the child will sit in the lap of the mother .. a child who is upto the shoulder of the mother 
and probably weighs twice as his/her mother ..
It is only a little child ..
and probably weighs twice as his/her mother .. It is only a little child ..
Join Date: Apr 1999
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In the good old days of S. Sudan when your van sits on it's tailstand with a clunk after the "8" people who were supposed to get on got on...! The commander picked his moment to ask you an involved question about getting somewhere...!
Head count added up to 18 all together, 1 in the co-pilots seat, 3 on each double seat, 1 on each single seat except the rear most one where the village chief sat with his wife on his lap..he said he needed her with him when he travelled
Charecter building stuff lolz
The commander picked his moment to ask you an involved question about getting somewhere...! Head count added up to 18 all together, 1 in the co-pilots seat, 3 on each double seat, 1 on each single seat except the rear most one where the village chief sat with his wife on his lap..he said he needed her with him when he travelledCharecter building stuff lolz
Join Date: Apr 2009
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When you are training to get your C of T, and you get stopped at security for not having a security pass, even though you have been issued a ticket to go through as a pax.
You get issued a pass when you get your permit/waiver, which you cant get until you have your licence, whcih you can't get until you have your C of T. Hmmm...
You get issued a pass when you get your permit/waiver, which you cant get until you have your licence, whcih you can't get until you have your C of T. Hmmm...
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...the cleaner washes the microwave by dropping the entire thing in a tub of water. I guess I should have gotten nervous when he unplugged it and carried it outside ...No more melted micro-cheese sandwiches for me 
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When you drive to work in the morning and you see a pack of domestic dogs hunt like wild animals and then drive back home in the afternoon and see that the same pack of dogs have taken down a full grown donkey!
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When you are training to get your C of T, and you get stopped at security for not having a security pass, even though you have been issued a ticket to go through as a pax.
You get issued a pass when you get your permit/waiver, which you cant get until you have your licence, whcih you can't get until you have your C of T. Hmmm..
Sounds like Health and Safety-a UK speciality but the people are friendlier in Botswana.
You get issued a pass when you get your permit/waiver, which you cant get until you have your licence, whcih you can't get until you have your C of T. Hmmm..
Sounds like Health and Safety-a UK speciality but the people are friendlier in Botswana.
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When you get the plumber in to fix your water and when he switches it on again you all get soaked because he has connected the water main to the electrical conduit system. (He had never seen electrcal conduits before, all the other house had wires going through blocks throughout.