Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
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Another non-helicopter related joke...
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
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Warning
Province of Inhambane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
Due to the rising frequency of Human-Lion encounters, the Ministry (Inhambane branch), is advising hikers, hunters, fisherman, motorcyclists that use the out- of- doors in recreational or work related function to use extra precautions while in the bush…
We advise people to wear small bells on clothing to warn any Lions nearby that you are there, and don’t take them by surprise.
We also advise people in the bush to carry pepper spray with him/her in case of encounter with a lion.
Outdoorsmen should also watch for Lion activity and be able to tell the difference between small lion faeces and large lion faeces.
Small Lion faeces are smaller and contain lots of berries and dassie fur.
Big Lion faeces has bells in it, and smells like pepper..
Enjoy your stay in Mozambique!
Province of Inhambane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
Due to the rising frequency of Human-Lion encounters, the Ministry (Inhambane branch), is advising hikers, hunters, fisherman, motorcyclists that use the out- of- doors in recreational or work related function to use extra precautions while in the bush…
We advise people to wear small bells on clothing to warn any Lions nearby that you are there, and don’t take them by surprise.
We also advise people in the bush to carry pepper spray with him/her in case of encounter with a lion.
Outdoorsmen should also watch for Lion activity and be able to tell the difference between small lion faeces and large lion faeces.
Small Lion faeces are smaller and contain lots of berries and dassie fur.
Big Lion faeces has bells in it, and smells like pepper..
Enjoy your stay in Mozambique!
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Last edited by Heliport; 23rd Feb 2006 at 07:28.
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electric fence
As a kid on the farm I used to grab one of my sisters' hands before grabbing hold of the electric fence. Got about the same reaction from them.
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Airline Cadet to Captian: Sir, I'm told that you guys get laid absolutely anytime you want.
Captain: Well son, let me think, ahh... , the last time I got laid was 1956.
Cadet: God, you must be getting desperate!
Captain: Naw, not yet, it's only 2200 now.
Captain: Well son, let me think, ahh... , the last time I got laid was 1956.
Cadet: God, you must be getting desperate!
Captain: Naw, not yet, it's only 2200 now.
Management-Joke
A man in a hot air ballon realised he was lost.
He decreased altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a little more and shouted " Excuse me can you help me, I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago and I don't know where I am"
The woman replied" You are in a hot air balloon roughly 50' above the ground between21 and 22 degrees east and 139 and 140 degrees south"
"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.
"How did you know" the woman asked.
"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea of what to make of your information and the fact is i am still lost. Frankly you have not been much help at all"
"You must be in management" replies the woman.
"How did you know" replies the balloonist.
"Well" said the woman " you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people below you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were in before you met me, but now, somehow, it's all my fault".
He decreased altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a little more and shouted " Excuse me can you help me, I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago and I don't know where I am"
The woman replied" You are in a hot air balloon roughly 50' above the ground between21 and 22 degrees east and 139 and 140 degrees south"
"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.
"How did you know" the woman asked.
"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea of what to make of your information and the fact is i am still lost. Frankly you have not been much help at all"
"You must be in management" replies the woman.
"How did you know" replies the balloonist.
"Well" said the woman " you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people below you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were in before you met me, but now, somehow, it's all my fault".
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Originally Posted by 170'
Warning
Province of Inhambane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
Due to the rising frequency of Human-Lion encounters, the Ministry (Inhambane branch), is advising hikers, hunters, fisherman, motorcyclists that use the out- of- doors in recreational or work related function to use extra precautions while in the bush…
Province of Inhambane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
Due to the rising frequency of Human-Lion encounters, the Ministry (Inhambane branch), is advising hikers, hunters, fisherman, motorcyclists that use the out- of- doors in recreational or work related function to use extra precautions while in the bush…
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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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True story a few years ago after lifting things on to tall buildings.
Shortly after landing at the base the phone rang with a prospective client wanting to know if we could lift a large neon sign off the top of his building. The crewman overheard the conversation between the pilot and customer and the pilots reservation due to the 4 ton weight. The crewman stepped up to the phone and indicated he would like to talk to the man. The phone was duly handed over and the crewman enquired whether the neon sign could be tuned on. The client indicated there would be no problems but why---so that it would be lighter was the reply. Needless to say the job did not occur.
Shortly after landing at the base the phone rang with a prospective client wanting to know if we could lift a large neon sign off the top of his building. The crewman overheard the conversation between the pilot and customer and the pilots reservation due to the 4 ton weight. The crewman stepped up to the phone and indicated he would like to talk to the man. The phone was duly handed over and the crewman enquired whether the neon sign could be tuned on. The client indicated there would be no problems but why---so that it would be lighter was the reply. Needless to say the job did not occur.
Helicopter Humour
It is a funny world, perhaps we need to have a little chuckle at our own expense every once in a while.
Hence this thread:
Allow me to begin.
I have no idea who wrote this but it is funny.
The Life of a Helicopter Pilot:
Grand canyon tour,
> Get up at 4.30AM, drive 90 miles to the ditch, have 5th cup of
> coffee, preflight, pee, get in start up, load up the midwestern
> beefeaters, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30
> minutes, fly for an hour, fly for 30 minutes, fly for an hour.
> Can I have a break? No, ok, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30
> minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes. fly for 30
> minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for an hour, get out tie down,
> PEE, drive 90 miles home,eat, sleep, repeat.
>
> Hawaii tour
> See above but get to wear funky hawaii shirt and short...
>
> Offshore Oil:
> See above but the tourists smell bad and the river is a lot
> bigger...
> Tuna Boat:
> See above, but you get to chant: Where da fish, where da fish...
>
> Powerline patrol:
> See above but you get to say: tower one, tower two, tower 3,
> tower 4, tower 5......tower 496, tower 497, etc...
>
> Pipeline patrol:
> See above but you get to say: yup it's a pipeline. yup it's a
> pipeline, yup it's a pipeline, yup it's a pipeline. yup it's a
> pipeline,.....Sh# theres a wire, ok, yup it's a pipeline, yup
> it's a pipeline, yup it's a pipeline....
>
> EMS:
> Get to work, have 7th cup of coffee, preflight, pee,news, eat,
> sleep,eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, BEEP BEEP BEEP,
> motorcycle vrs a big rig, fly 20 minutes, load patient,
> Yuuuuuuko!!! That looks like it hurts, fly 20 minutes, off-load,
> debrief, eat, sleep, eat sleep, eat, sleep, go home...
>
> Logging:
> Get up at 5, have 3rd cup of coffee, preflight, comin up, log,
> log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log,log, Wipe up
> CP's puke,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,etc...Shut
> down go home drink a massive amounts of beer with hookers.
>
> Fire:
> Get up at 4 AM, drive an hour, have 9th cup of coffee, mission
> plan, you want to WHAT? Put on bucket go to fire. OH! big fire!
> Up down, turn around, fetch a pail of water, repeat 160 times.
> Shut down, wait untill 14 hours is over. Out of duty time, find
> tent, eat at base camp, visit little blue room, sleep up again,
> at 5am repeat...
>
> CFI:
> Get in at 9am, have 10 cups of coffee, 3 cigs,and wait for no
> shows, Non english speaking student shows up, preflifgt, flifgt
> SREAM: I HAVE THE CONTROLS!!, repeat 20 times, After hour
> flight, clean short, repeat 5 times, go home knowing your the
> pilot god that saved the R22 from the clutches of the student
> pilot, get on PC and type resume, yup getting 252.4 hours. look
> for way to get turbine time job with out flight time, go to
> sleep thinking how great it would be working as a real pilot!
>
Hence this thread:
Allow me to begin.
I have no idea who wrote this but it is funny.
The Life of a Helicopter Pilot:
Grand canyon tour,
> Get up at 4.30AM, drive 90 miles to the ditch, have 5th cup of
> coffee, preflight, pee, get in start up, load up the midwestern
> beefeaters, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30
> minutes, fly for an hour, fly for 30 minutes, fly for an hour.
> Can I have a break? No, ok, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30
> minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes. fly for 30
> minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for an hour, get out tie down,
> PEE, drive 90 miles home,eat, sleep, repeat.
>
> Hawaii tour
> See above but get to wear funky hawaii shirt and short...
>
> Offshore Oil:
> See above but the tourists smell bad and the river is a lot
> bigger...
> Tuna Boat:
> See above, but you get to chant: Where da fish, where da fish...
>
> Powerline patrol:
> See above but you get to say: tower one, tower two, tower 3,
> tower 4, tower 5......tower 496, tower 497, etc...
>
> Pipeline patrol:
> See above but you get to say: yup it's a pipeline. yup it's a
> pipeline, yup it's a pipeline, yup it's a pipeline. yup it's a
> pipeline,.....Sh# theres a wire, ok, yup it's a pipeline, yup
> it's a pipeline, yup it's a pipeline....
>
> EMS:
> Get to work, have 7th cup of coffee, preflight, pee,news, eat,
> sleep,eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, BEEP BEEP BEEP,
> motorcycle vrs a big rig, fly 20 minutes, load patient,
> Yuuuuuuko!!! That looks like it hurts, fly 20 minutes, off-load,
> debrief, eat, sleep, eat sleep, eat, sleep, go home...
>
> Logging:
> Get up at 5, have 3rd cup of coffee, preflight, comin up, log,
> log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log,log, Wipe up
> CP's puke,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,log,etc...Shut
> down go home drink a massive amounts of beer with hookers.
>
> Fire:
> Get up at 4 AM, drive an hour, have 9th cup of coffee, mission
> plan, you want to WHAT? Put on bucket go to fire. OH! big fire!
> Up down, turn around, fetch a pail of water, repeat 160 times.
> Shut down, wait untill 14 hours is over. Out of duty time, find
> tent, eat at base camp, visit little blue room, sleep up again,
> at 5am repeat...
>
> CFI:
> Get in at 9am, have 10 cups of coffee, 3 cigs,and wait for no
> shows, Non english speaking student shows up, preflifgt, flifgt
> SREAM: I HAVE THE CONTROLS!!, repeat 20 times, After hour
> flight, clean short, repeat 5 times, go home knowing your the
> pilot god that saved the R22 from the clutches of the student
> pilot, get on PC and type resume, yup getting 252.4 hours. look
> for way to get turbine time job with out flight time, go to
> sleep thinking how great it would be working as a real pilot!
>
Crew Room Banter
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ####.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try flying smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f@$k-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant
21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber Than a Box
of Rocks Award.
22. You know the acronym in front of your name won't keep me from kicking
your ass in the parking lot.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person.
25. This isn't a cockpit . It's Hell with dim lighting.
26. I started out with nothing still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice aftershave. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try flying smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f@$k-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant
21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber Than a Box
of Rocks Award.
22. You know the acronym in front of your name won't keep me from kicking
your ass in the parking lot.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person.
25. This isn't a cockpit . It's Hell with dim lighting.
26. I started out with nothing still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice aftershave. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
Join Date: Jan 2006
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I like the first one albatross, especially the cfi one! 
Theres a law in florida if you feel threatened by someone, you can legally shoot them and get away with it. A cfi the other day said hes going to start shooting his students when they try to kill him in a helicopter!
Theres a law in florida if you feel threatened by someone, you can legally shoot them and get away with it. A cfi the other day said hes going to start shooting his students when they try to kill him in a helicopter!