Best and worst orders I have known
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Bunch of aircrew trying to bumpstart a diesel dumper truck in the middle of a waterlogged and extremely muddy quarry.
Bunch of aircrew trying to bumpstart a diesel dumper truck in the middle of a waterlogged and extremely muddy quarry.
A newly qualified Engineering Officer decided to take over (from me!)and personally direct the marshalling and parking of visiting aircraft during an open day at a former west Wiltshire transport base. He instructed the marshaller to turn a taxying Canberra in the opposite direction to that used for previous arrivals. The resultant turn caused its engine efflux to pick up a step ladder, used to allow the pilot of a visiting Hunter to vacate his aircraft, and threw it gently against the test flight pitot tube and bent it away from its usual forward direction. Once the dust and debris had settled the aforementioned pilot carefully placed the pitot head cover on the damaged item and then politely asked if he could use our phone to call his base located in the south of the county to explain what had occurred.
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Staying with Engineering Officers; RAF Leeming, circa 1968, Jet Provost 3’s and 4’s. I had just towed an aircraft from the maintenance hangar to a storage hangar and the route took me past the Engineering Officers office window. I get back to the maintenance hangar and a few minutes later I get called into the Chiefy’s (Chief Technician) office, He tells me to go back to the storage hangar and check the L/H main wheel tyre. “Why” I ask, Chiefy tells me, with a perfectly straight face, that he received a call from the Engineering Officer telling him that the L/H main wheel was not rotating as the aircraft was towed past his window. I was incredulous, nevertheless off I went, looked at the tyre, which of course was perfectly OK, went back and told Chiefy. Lots of knowing grins all around.
The best: An August afternoon in 1966:
Instructor to student under instruction (me): "This time I want you fly a standard 'by the book' circuit!"
Student (somewhat puzzled): "Okay ..." (thinking "not sure I understand?...")
Instructor: "I won't be coming with you - you'll be fine. Enjoy the experience!"
I did. I've never forgotten it - even after all this time.
Instructor to student under instruction (me): "This time I want you fly a standard 'by the book' circuit!"
Student (somewhat puzzled): "Okay ..." (thinking "not sure I understand?...")
Instructor: "I won't be coming with you - you'll be fine. Enjoy the experience!"
I did. I've never forgotten it - even after all this time.
At one stage there were two one-eyed pilots at Lyneham. One had a left eye; the other a right. They managed to organise a trip together (without a problem). This swiftly lead to a new Flying Order: ' The Captain and Co-pilot are required to have three eyes between them'
At one stage there were two one-eyed pilots at Lyneham. One had a left eye; the other a right. They managed to organise a trip together (without a problem). This swiftly lead to a new Flying Order: ' The Captain and Co-pilot are required to have three eyes between them'
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Worst on arrival at PSAB in March 2003 for Op TELIC:
Best, on arrival back at Kinloss following said Op TELIC:
(p.s. we blow the engine of the minibus on the M62!)
Gents, we've done the assessment and we'd be happy to lose 1 aircraft and 1 crew if necessary (I kid you not)
Gents, here are the keys for the Sqn minibus, go have a crew training week somewhere, see you in a week
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Hammering down the German autobahn as fast as the poor old minibus would go.
Off to Gutersloh to do an engine change on a Jag, three of us in the van, a Sgt fast asleep, a Corporal driving, and me... coming upon an RAF car pootling along in the slow lane, Cpl says" look another RAF car, I'd better slow down", "Naa, it'll just be some MT SAC out for a run" says I, warp speed resumes.
We get lost, but finally arrive at Gut and go to to the guardroom to book in. "Ahhh we have been expecting you, who is in charge?", we both point at the Sgt by now awake and sitting in the minibus, "he is".
"Good, can you tell him to to please come to the window, O/C whatever would like to have a word with him regards his driving" we retire to the van while O/C whatever arrives in his service car and gives him the bollocking of his life.
"Cheers", he says as he get back in the old bus.
Off to Gutersloh to do an engine change on a Jag, three of us in the van, a Sgt fast asleep, a Corporal driving, and me... coming upon an RAF car pootling along in the slow lane, Cpl says" look another RAF car, I'd better slow down", "Naa, it'll just be some MT SAC out for a run" says I, warp speed resumes.
We get lost, but finally arrive at Gut and go to to the guardroom to book in. "Ahhh we have been expecting you, who is in charge?", we both point at the Sgt by now awake and sitting in the minibus, "he is".
"Good, can you tell him to to please come to the window, O/C whatever would like to have a word with him regards his driving" we retire to the van while O/C whatever arrives in his service car and gives him the bollocking of his life.
"Cheers", he says as he get back in the old bus.
Six week long Field Training Exercise....objective.....can a National Guard Mech Infantry Division drawn from three States be combat ready within six weeks of activation for combat duty.
Me...in a Kiowa flying the Big Boss around....Two Star General....done so for two years.....my Cap stashed in my flight suit leg pocket departs for some unknown location via the cockpit door.
Darn I sez....GenGe asks what happened....and when told said for me to go to the Post Exchange by the Helipad and buy a replacement.
At the doorway to the PX....stands a regular Army Military Policemen (MP)....who sez....no hat...no entry allowed.
Explanation to MP....no change..."My Captain said all customers must be in full uniform....no hat ...no enter.
When said MP radioed his Unit Commander and explained the situation....he was told the "My Order stands....do not let him into the PX!".
GenGen returning to the aircraft observes CW2 Sasless standing Bare Headed and asks for an explanation which was offered, considered, and we (the Boss and I) returned to the PX.
The MP confirmed my account and the Boss asked for the nice young man to request his Captain present himself....who then turned up.
GenGen confirmed the Captain's Orders then issued one to me....Enter..buy...return forthwith and with all due haste....then a pause....then told don't hurry the Captain and I need a few. minutes.
I left....bought the hat and rank insignia...and returned....the Captain was still at "Attention" and the Boss was still talking and the Captain was listening....and a young MP was dissecting an interesting description of the Captains few attributes as assessed by the Two Star.
In the US Army you must have a hat in order to buy a hat unless you have a Two Star that will provide a longish dissertation on commonsense and the notion that Generals outrank Captains who are dumber than a wedge.
Bad order...being told by a Two Star to go buy a hat......Good Order....being told that a second time by the Two Star in front of an arrogant MP Captain.
Me...in a Kiowa flying the Big Boss around....Two Star General....done so for two years.....my Cap stashed in my flight suit leg pocket departs for some unknown location via the cockpit door.
Darn I sez....GenGe asks what happened....and when told said for me to go to the Post Exchange by the Helipad and buy a replacement.
At the doorway to the PX....stands a regular Army Military Policemen (MP)....who sez....no hat...no entry allowed.
Explanation to MP....no change..."My Captain said all customers must be in full uniform....no hat ...no enter.
When said MP radioed his Unit Commander and explained the situation....he was told the "My Order stands....do not let him into the PX!".
GenGen returning to the aircraft observes CW2 Sasless standing Bare Headed and asks for an explanation which was offered, considered, and we (the Boss and I) returned to the PX.
The MP confirmed my account and the Boss asked for the nice young man to request his Captain present himself....who then turned up.
GenGen confirmed the Captain's Orders then issued one to me....Enter..buy...return forthwith and with all due haste....then a pause....then told don't hurry the Captain and I need a few. minutes.
I left....bought the hat and rank insignia...and returned....the Captain was still at "Attention" and the Boss was still talking and the Captain was listening....and a young MP was dissecting an interesting description of the Captains few attributes as assessed by the Two Star.
In the US Army you must have a hat in order to buy a hat unless you have a Two Star that will provide a longish dissertation on commonsense and the notion that Generals outrank Captains who are dumber than a wedge.
Bad order...being told by a Two Star to go buy a hat......Good Order....being told that a second time by the Two Star in front of an arrogant MP Captain.
PMA: “We advise you turn down your promotion, get a tour in as a Flt Lt on FJ, then go for promotion again when you are more established “
RWM: “Didn’t realise it was an either/or situation”
PMA: “It’s not, just what we advise”
RWM: “So I can go FJ, get my first tour in as a gash shag Sqn Ldr with no other responsibilities? I’ll take both please”
PMA: “No, that’s not what we……bugger”
Desk: We want to make you a Sqn Ldr and send you to Cosford
Ninthace: I'd rather be Flt Lt in Germany
Desk: We will not make this offer twice
Ninthace: Understood sir, when do I go?
Ninthace: I'd rather be Flt Lt in Germany
Desk: We will not make this offer twice
Ninthace: Understood sir, when do I go?
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At one stage there were two one-eyed pilots at Lyneham. One had a left eye; the other a right. They managed to organise a trip together (without a problem). This swiftly lead to a new Flying Order: ' The Captain and Co-pilot are required to have three eyes between them'
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Warning: Synoptic Charts story.
Brand-new baby forecaster LB at brand-new important office Gatwick Airport c. 1960.
At which facility face-to-face was normal pre-flight briefing, done using the chart over the counter by the junior forecaster. Thus Gp Capt Bader, Sir Malcolm Campbell and many very senior old BEA captains.
Economy and austerity reigned. My eraser, lines for amending, disappeared, stolen. I approached Admin humbly and craved a replacement. The big boss overheard, and forbade the issue.
"But sir, woe woe, my Zebra's arse in the Atlantic needs a redraw!". "Use the [rubber] heel of your shoe sonny".
Thus was the 1200 synoptic rendered a grey mess, an admixture of rubber, graphite, street dung and dry chewing gum.
So "how bloody dare you believe what was a joking order LB?"
AND IT CAME TO PASS 20 YEARS LATER THAT LB WAS A LORDLY LEADER OF MET. AND THE GATWICK MAN HAD PROGRESSED NOT AT ALL. AND LB WAS RUNNING A COURSE WHICH INCLUDED A SOON-TO-BE UNHAPPY GATWICK MAN.
Brand-new baby forecaster LB at brand-new important office Gatwick Airport c. 1960.
At which facility face-to-face was normal pre-flight briefing, done using the chart over the counter by the junior forecaster. Thus Gp Capt Bader, Sir Malcolm Campbell and many very senior old BEA captains.
Economy and austerity reigned. My eraser, lines for amending, disappeared, stolen. I approached Admin humbly and craved a replacement. The big boss overheard, and forbade the issue.
"But sir, woe woe, my Zebra's arse in the Atlantic needs a redraw!". "Use the [rubber] heel of your shoe sonny".
Thus was the 1200 synoptic rendered a grey mess, an admixture of rubber, graphite, street dung and dry chewing gum.
So "how bloody dare you believe what was a joking order LB?"
AND IT CAME TO PASS 20 YEARS LATER THAT LB WAS A LORDLY LEADER OF MET. AND THE GATWICK MAN HAD PROGRESSED NOT AT ALL. AND LB WAS RUNNING A COURSE WHICH INCLUDED A SOON-TO-BE UNHAPPY GATWICK MAN.
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