ATC Humour (Merged)
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Got quite a few from being in and around the simulator during Emergency Training..
ACPO - Mayday Mayday Mayday, SHT 4H, we've got cock in the smokepit. (Think about it)
ACPO - Mayday Mayday Mayday, BMA5NL, we've got a left hand fire engine ( and that one!)
ATCO - AAL23, turn right, radar heading 365.
ACPO - Roger, heading 365
ATCO - In fact, better make that 005!
ATCO - EZY305, make your rate of climb in the descent 2000fpm
ATCO P - The Amtran's looking for 230
ATCO e - F**K the Amtran, keep at 180
ACPO - Mayday Mayday Mayday, SHT 4H, we've got cock in the smokepit. (Think about it)
ACPO - Mayday Mayday Mayday, BMA5NL, we've got a left hand fire engine ( and that one!)
ATCO - AAL23, turn right, radar heading 365.
ACPO - Roger, heading 365
ATCO - In fact, better make that 005!
ATCO - EZY305, make your rate of climb in the descent 2000fpm
ATCO P - The Amtran's looking for 230
ATCO e - F**K the Amtran, keep at 180
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Two spring to mind
Preston [Procedural] Controller
to Preston [Radar] guy,
"When the Inbound to Belfast at FL220 has passed the Outbound from Belfast at FL230 you can descend the Inbound
"
Same chap.
Navy Devonxxx Mayday Mayday Double engine failure....
Roger Navyxxx Maintain FL80, Traffic beneath you
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy
Preston [Procedural] Controller
to Preston [Radar] guy,"When the Inbound to Belfast at FL220 has passed the Outbound from Belfast at FL230 you can descend the Inbound
"Same chap.
Navy Devonxxx Mayday Mayday Double engine failure....
Roger Navyxxx Maintain FL80, Traffic beneath you
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy
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(helpful controller on CLN trying to ascertain a good/bad time for another controller to go sub load to the Far East0
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938 : Say again!
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938 : Say again!
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938; Affirm our callsign is CCA938.
Unidentified B.A Why don't you try ordering a takeaway?
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938 : Say again!
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938 : Say again!
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938; Affirm our callsign is CCA938.
Unidentified B.A Why don't you try ordering a takeaway?
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Some of the highlights copied from similar thread in Dunnuda and Godzone at the moment
-------------------------------------------
Melbourne ATC: Virgin *** blah blah blah
Virgin ***: Sorry MEL could you say again, you were in with a Flight Attendant.
MEL ATC: I wish!
------------------------------------------------
Approx 4:00 AM one morning when I was flying up in Cape York.
BN Brisbane, India X-ray Charlie departure.
IXC India X-ray Charlie go ahead.
BN India X-ray Charlie departed Weipa 35, tracking 127,
climbing 7000, estimating Coen,...........ahhhhhhh Stand by.
IXC India X-ray Charlie request.
BN Go ahead.
IXC Ahhhhhhhhh............... rodger, I seem to have left my flight
plan in the fax machine at home....................Don't suppose
you could give me my flight details.
After a minutes pause......
BN (laughing) India X-ray Charlie we can do that for you. You
have departed Weipa.
Another pause
IXC Ahhhhhhhhhh...........rodger, I kinda know that much.
BN (still laughing) You are off to Cairns.
Another pause
IXC You guys are goung to drag this out for a while just to
embarrass me aren't you.
This went on for a while, eventually the rest of the details were also given.
---------------------------------------------------
Some years ago while an F/O on F28s at PX we were operating on a QF flight number ex CNS for POM. Our Fokker was 'parked in' so we needed a push back and this caused a short delay.
After departure call to QF CNS went something like this;
Me " Qantas Cairns QF 123"
QF CNS " QF 123 go ahead"
Me " Cairns QF 123 off blocks xyz, 5 minutes late due Captain requiring a tug before taxi!"
Captain looks dumbfounded as QF Cairns tries to keep a straight 'voice'...unsuccessfully!
Chuck.
----------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------
Melbourne ATC: Virgin *** blah blah blah
Virgin ***: Sorry MEL could you say again, you were in with a Flight Attendant.
MEL ATC: I wish!
------------------------------------------------
Approx 4:00 AM one morning when I was flying up in Cape York.
BN Brisbane, India X-ray Charlie departure.
IXC India X-ray Charlie go ahead.
BN India X-ray Charlie departed Weipa 35, tracking 127,
climbing 7000, estimating Coen,...........ahhhhhhh Stand by.
IXC India X-ray Charlie request.
BN Go ahead.
IXC Ahhhhhhhhh............... rodger, I seem to have left my flight
plan in the fax machine at home....................Don't suppose
you could give me my flight details.
After a minutes pause......
BN (laughing) India X-ray Charlie we can do that for you. You
have departed Weipa.
Another pause
IXC Ahhhhhhhhhh...........rodger, I kinda know that much.
BN (still laughing) You are off to Cairns.
Another pause
IXC You guys are goung to drag this out for a while just to
embarrass me aren't you.
This went on for a while, eventually the rest of the details were also given.
---------------------------------------------------
Some years ago while an F/O on F28s at PX we were operating on a QF flight number ex CNS for POM. Our Fokker was 'parked in' so we needed a push back and this caused a short delay.
After departure call to QF CNS went something like this;
Me " Qantas Cairns QF 123"
QF CNS " QF 123 go ahead"
Me " Cairns QF 123 off blocks xyz, 5 minutes late due Captain requiring a tug before taxi!"
Captain looks dumbfounded as QF Cairns tries to keep a straight 'voice'...unsuccessfully!
Chuck.
----------------------------------------------------
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As one of only 2 lady controllers at my unit you get used to flirtatious comments over the R/T but one particular J41 Captain at my unit was often a little OTT.
This captain inbound late one evening reported in at 6 miles realising it was me asked if "he could take the full length"
my response was "naturally". Anyhow the J41 landed and vacated the runway at an intermediate holding point.
ATC : "if that is what you call the full length than I am extremely disappointed"
J41 Captain "I think you call it premature intersection"
How do you respond to that !!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Again two J41 aircraft inbound to the field, the first aircraft established inbound on the ILS, second aircraft reports visual with the field requesting a visual approach.
ATC: are you visual with the company Jetstream in your 1 o'clock
range 6miles.
J41 : negative are you sure you mean in my 1 o'clock.
ATC : try looking to the right of your 12 o'clock
J41 : visual .
And we trust them to fly people !!
This captain inbound late one evening reported in at 6 miles realising it was me asked if "he could take the full length"
my response was "naturally". Anyhow the J41 landed and vacated the runway at an intermediate holding point.
ATC : "if that is what you call the full length than I am extremely disappointed"
J41 Captain "I think you call it premature intersection"
How do you respond to that !!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Again two J41 aircraft inbound to the field, the first aircraft established inbound on the ILS, second aircraft reports visual with the field requesting a visual approach.
ATC: are you visual with the company Jetstream in your 1 o'clock
range 6miles.
J41 : negative are you sure you mean in my 1 o'clock.
ATC : try looking to the right of your 12 o'clock
J41 : visual .
And we trust them to fly people !!
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Humour
Hi all.
Just loged onto site, these cracked me up, please keep them coming. most amusing
Heard this at an airport south east.
Controller- can you make 1 left hand orbit so I can get the shorts skyvan in before you, then I can get you in
Pilot- yes maam' you get your shorts down , and I'll come in from behind.
That floored me too...
Just loged onto site, these cracked me up, please keep them coming. most amusing
Heard this at an airport south east.
Controller- can you make 1 left hand orbit so I can get the shorts skyvan in before you, then I can get you in
Pilot- yes maam' you get your shorts down , and I'll come in from behind.
That floored me too...
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gutersloh
another one i remember from gutersloh. usaf c23(shorts3-30 or was it 3-60?) taxying out, he spies a twin pioneer on the ramp "say what type is that?" thats a twin pioneer says the ground controller "boy we thought we were ugly" say the yanks.
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This guy was filing a VFR flight plan with Detroit Radio (FSS). Everything went okay as the FSS specialist prompted the pilot through the flight plan form, item by item.
DET: Number aboard?
N1234: Two
DET: Color?
N1234: uh...white males.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard on approach to San Jose, California (KSJC):
TOWER: American 332, cleared for takeoff.
AMERICAN 332: We already did that.
TOWER: Uh, American 332, contact Bay Departure.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DET: Number aboard?
N1234: Two
DET: Color?
N1234: uh...white males.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard on approach to San Jose, California (KSJC):
TOWER: American 332, cleared for takeoff.
AMERICAN 332: We already did that.
TOWER: Uh, American 332, contact Bay Departure.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Check 6; 11th Sep 2002 at 11:59.
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WRAF Classic !
Infamous female FC ( fighter controller ) : whilst on a night shift, she walked unnoticed into the Ops Rm, and was listening to a bunch of lads discussing the physical merits and attributes of a new girlie just posted in.
Although said FC had a great sense of humour, she feigned shock horror at the graphic tone of the conversation, and the fact that we hadn't noticed she was there.
"Maybe I'll have to put bells on my shoes, then you can all hear me coming !" She announced.
She then wondered why we were all doubled up laughing !
Although said FC had a great sense of humour, she feigned shock horror at the graphic tone of the conversation, and the fact that we hadn't noticed she was there.
"Maybe I'll have to put bells on my shoes, then you can all hear me coming !" She announced.
She then wondered why we were all doubled up laughing !
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The setting:
Me instructing an Air Training Corps Cadet for his PPL. We're doing a cross-country flight. He's a good, keen student; I'm barely conscious, as this is the third student of the day on the same route, and it's a glorious summer's day.
XXX Approach being manned by a guy I think is now at Brussels FMU, then also a part time instructor at same flight school, one of the funniest wits I have ever known, and he knows I'm on board.
Student passes over a turning point, get's himself onto his new track, works out his ETA for the next point, and then does a position report:
"XXX Approach, G-WK was overhead YYY at time 51, 2000 feet, VMC, estimate XXX at 68".
"G-WK, XXX Approach, roger, turn right heading 370°"
Pause of about 30 seconds, controller transmitts, "Did he turn?"
Reply: "Yup....." and then sound of "...Oouch" from student as I twang an earpiece from one of his ears!!!!!
And, on the Shorts 360 theme:
Definition of a Shorts 360?
The box the Twin Otter came in
Keep 'em coming, guys !!!
Me instructing an Air Training Corps Cadet for his PPL. We're doing a cross-country flight. He's a good, keen student; I'm barely conscious, as this is the third student of the day on the same route, and it's a glorious summer's day.
XXX Approach being manned by a guy I think is now at Brussels FMU, then also a part time instructor at same flight school, one of the funniest wits I have ever known, and he knows I'm on board.
Student passes over a turning point, get's himself onto his new track, works out his ETA for the next point, and then does a position report:
"XXX Approach, G-WK was overhead YYY at time 51, 2000 feet, VMC, estimate XXX at 68".
"G-WK, XXX Approach, roger, turn right heading 370°"
Pause of about 30 seconds, controller transmitts, "Did he turn?"
Reply: "Yup....." and then sound of "...Oouch" from student as I twang an earpiece from one of his ears!!!!!
And, on the Shorts 360 theme:
Definition of a Shorts 360?
The box the Twin Otter came in
Keep 'em coming, guys !!!
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At an airfield far far away...
ATC "1234 set QNH 1008 mbs"
Pilot "Negative, request QFE. We're British military and we fly on QFE."
ATC "1234, this is a QNH airfield and procedure. I say again, set QNH 1008 mbs"
Pilot "Well, I say again, we're British military and we fly on QFE"
ATC "1234 roger, have it your way, set QFE 817 mbs"
ATC "1234 set QNH 1008 mbs"
Pilot "Negative, request QFE. We're British military and we fly on QFE."
ATC "1234, this is a QNH airfield and procedure. I say again, set QNH 1008 mbs"
Pilot "Well, I say again, we're British military and we fly on QFE"
ATC "1234 roger, have it your way, set QFE 817 mbs"
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Not long ago I heard a 777 pilot on Gatwick Radar ask for a slower approach as they'd been cleared quicker than anticipated up to that point and the cabin crew had not finished serving breakfast!
The controller slowed him down and just before giving a vector for the ILS he asked if they were OK, or did he want to go around the block again!
He replied "no we're fine, thanks for your help.
The controller slowed him down and just before giving a vector for the ILS he asked if they were OK, or did he want to go around the block again!
He replied "no we're fine, thanks for your help.
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Here's another altimetry based one:
USAF making approach to RAF airfield:
APP: "Punchy22, descend altitude 2,000 feet, QNH 1009"
Punchy22: "Errr, request that in inches please Sir?"
APP: "Punchy22, descend altitude 24,000 inches, QNH 1009"
APP: "Punchy22, descend altitude 2,000 feet, QNH 1009"
Punchy22: "Errr, request that in inches please Sir?"
APP: "Punchy22, descend altitude 24,000 inches, QNH 1009"
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Just two to add,
Training at Latcc, Busy holding in the morning and having rattled off a diversion route to egcc, the reply in a wonderful southern drawl " can you say again after leave MERLY? Iwrite about as slow as I talk"
And from a NWA by GIBSO after 3 calls to climb and in an indignant voice "London we were in a turn!!"
Cheers all.....
Training at Latcc, Busy holding in the morning and having rattled off a diversion route to egcc, the reply in a wonderful southern drawl " can you say again after leave MERLY? Iwrite about as slow as I talk"
And from a NWA by GIBSO after 3 calls to climb and in an indignant voice "London we were in a turn!!"
Cheers all.....
Time merchant
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Typical winter's night many moons ago, westerly gale. DC3 comes on frequency flying fresh fruit & veggies across the Irish Sea, groundspeed about 40kts:
Very bored pilot: "Belfast Atlantique 353 requesting descent"
ATCO: "Atlantique 353 descend to FL60"
Very bored pilot: "Roger descending to FL60 (leaving finger on transmit button), Okay tomatoes we're going down".
Very bored pilot: "Belfast Atlantique 353 requesting descent"
ATCO: "Atlantique 353 descend to FL60"
Very bored pilot: "Roger descending to FL60 (leaving finger on transmit button), Okay tomatoes we're going down".
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Same Theme
EIAPC [a Bristol Frightener] going backwards on estimates...
"Preston, E-PC what's your speed?"
"50kts", quickly followed by a[very] thick brogue, "Dat's a lie, we're doin' a hundred and ten"
Well it was funny at the time
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy
EIAPC [a Bristol Frightener] going backwards on estimates...
"Preston, E-PC what's your speed?"
"50kts", quickly followed by a[very] thick brogue, "Dat's a lie, we're doin' a hundred and ten"
Well it was funny at the time
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy
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Hey, flowman:
Would you be the same guy I refered to in my post, above?
The same guy who did the faultless Basil Fawlty and James Mason impressions??
The same guy who used to drink with "Fox", "Claw" and "Cunningham" at the Europa, amongst other places??
If so, post a reply here, then I'll give you an e-mail address!
Would you be the same guy I refered to in my post, above?
The same guy who did the faultless Basil Fawlty and James Mason impressions??
The same guy who used to drink with "Fox", "Claw" and "Cunningham" at the Europa, amongst other places??
If so, post a reply here, then I'll give you an e-mail address!
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yellow thing
Need some humour?
True story, i was in the ops when happened.
Atc sees a conflict of about 6 miles minimum separation (5 is the standard here) between a german carrier and a russian one. The german was on the climb and the other mantaining fl350. The atco, as there was nothing else to do decides just to monitor.Suddenly, when the a/c were goingo to be the closest (6nm) the russian a/c turns (luckily in an avoiding heading):
atc: xxx confirm you just did a right turn!!??
rus a/c: affirm...there is traffic
atc: xxx roger...for your info traffic is blablabla and we remind you sir that u are allowed to turn but u have to inform us because blalbalbla.....and by the way, did you get a tcas warning?
rus a/c: affirm
atc: was it an ta or ra?
rus a/c: It was...eh...hum...it was the yellow thing
Just no words about that. But it's true. Actually even a bit concerning, cause the same carrier in another situation did a turn when locked on heading because they thought it was only 3nm out.
True story, i was in the ops when happened.
Atc sees a conflict of about 6 miles minimum separation (5 is the standard here) between a german carrier and a russian one. The german was on the climb and the other mantaining fl350. The atco, as there was nothing else to do decides just to monitor.Suddenly, when the a/c were goingo to be the closest (6nm) the russian a/c turns (luckily in an avoiding heading):
atc: xxx confirm you just did a right turn!!??
rus a/c: affirm...there is traffic
atc: xxx roger...for your info traffic is blablabla and we remind you sir that u are allowed to turn but u have to inform us because blalbalbla.....and by the way, did you get a tcas warning?
rus a/c: affirm
atc: was it an ta or ra?
rus a/c: It was...eh...hum...it was the yellow thing
Just no words about that. But it's true. Actually even a bit concerning, cause the same carrier in another situation did a turn when locked on heading because they thought it was only 3nm out.