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Old 31st Jul 2002, 11:12   #101 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 4
BAW pilot (with one of the nice tartan tail jobs) at PF told to give way to a SH36 replied "After the Queen of the skies, taxi to...."

SH36 pilot replies "At least I don't have a travel rug on my tail!"
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Old 31st Jul 2002, 17:09   #102 (permalink)
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Spanish Riviera
Posts: 639
Returning to the Gutersloh stories from S&S I have two more about said controller.

1. Tornado suffers birdstrike on landing.

Pilot "I think I suffered a birdstrike. Did you see where it hit?"

Controller "Just below the beak but I think its alright."


2. Very sharp station commander at morning brief.

"Mr A*******, the met man gave a moderate birdstrike risk up to 1700 ft. Why are you giving a risk to only 1500ft?"

"Ah Sir, our birds fly on QFE!"
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Old 1st Aug 2002, 17:57   #103 (permalink)
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: preston
Posts: 434
more humour

the place leuchars ops wondering where the chinook is. reason we were wondering was cos he was for a rotors running refuel and these take up a few groundcrew and you have to have a fire vehicle on the asp as well. so my mate rings the tower to ask where it is and the reply was - whats a chinook? and if you think im making it up its in the ops room line book!
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Old 1st Aug 2002, 21:44   #104 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: united kingdom
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From the line book RAF finnningley

G **** radar advisory service the barnsley is 1024

several minutes later, er finningley we've tried barnsley on 1024 and there is no reply, could you give us another frequency??

A harrier lands from a pan with total hydraulics failure:
twr- wit** do you need any assistance?
Harr _ well a tow bar and crash crews would be nice!!
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Old 2nd Aug 2002, 17:35   #105 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jun 1996
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Harrier with a total hydraulics failure....landed. Now I know you're making it up
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Old 2nd Aug 2002, 23:41   #106 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Oz
Age: 58
Posts: 181
From WA

When I was in Port Hedland, Western Australia, the pilots used to like reporting:

"At Intercourse Island, heading up Rosemary's Passage"!

Another chap had a stutter and gave us a heart attack one day reporting:

"Hedland this is ABC, Pan Pan Pan Panawonica this time estimating....".

Another time, Punk rocker Alfred (?) Newman flew in with his private PA31, painted completely black, with a bed in the back, rego G-NUMN or G-NMAN (I think). We went down to the air conditioned terminal, where he was hiding from the 40C heat, to say gudday. He was looking very dismal after flying across the Great Australian FA and said, "how do you stand here? Are there any squirrells?"! He lived with his mum, which didn't fit our image of a pommy punk rocker!
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Old 3rd Aug 2002, 02:03   #107 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Oz
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Correction from WA

That was Garry Newman! Alfred's from Mad Magazine.
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Old 4th Aug 2002, 02:11   #108 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: dubai uae
Posts: 3
A couple of months ago at Dubai we were experiencing windshear on finals for 12L. Indian Airlines A320 lands and after vacating the runway calls GMC...
"Ground India***please to be adwised on final ve ver getting strong vind from backside" !!!
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Old 4th Aug 2002, 21:16   #109 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Shcotland
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Barnsley 1024

I claim that one !

It was Waddington, it was a Saturday in 1986, and it were a pretty thick Lancashire accent flying out of Gamston or summat ...

Honest !
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Old 5th Aug 2002, 11:56   #110 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: UK
Posts: 170
Aircraft inbound to LHR, where holding has just been announced: "If we slow down now, will we lose our place?"
LATCC: "You certainly won't, because you're last!"

MAN ATC to local PPL:"Are you Victor Mike up there?"
Local PPL: "Nay, it's me 'n 'Arry oop here"

(Apocryphal) Male LHR GMC: "Have I given you a stand yet?"
Pilot: "Not in that tone of voice, duckie"

Civvie LATCC controller, having been asked some time before to accept a pair of Buccaneers: "Where are my Buccaneers?"
LATCC Mil controller: "Under your Buccan headset!"

Last edited by Hew Jampton; 5th Aug 2002 at 12:02.
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Old 5th Aug 2002, 23:16   #111 (permalink)
pom
 
Join Date: Sep 1998
Location: UK
Posts: 195
Gleaned over the last 30 years:

A BOAC 707 was attempting to operate the first direct flight from Heathrow to Singapore. Hanging in the sky at FL430 over India, the Captain spots a Pan Am 707 below him at FL290. He can't resist it.
BOAC 707: "Hello Clipper, what are you doing down there?"
Pan Am 707: "600 knots."

BA a/c: "I say London, a Caledonian 1-11's just shot under my nose."
London: "Thanks very much, I was looking for him."

ATC: "Clipper 123, what's the turbulence like at your level?"
123: "Well ... how shall I put it? The Captain's just stuck his fork up his nose."
ATC: "TWA 789, what's the turbulence like at your level?"
TWA: "I don't know, we haven't eaten yet."

BA: "Shannon, what's the weather like this morning?"
Shannon: "Ah, it's a lovely day. If the earth was flat you could see right round it."

BA: "Bangbird, this is Speedcock....."

Lady controller to American who's just fouled up his taxi clearance: "ABC, you've just completely messed up your clearance. Stay where you are and don't move until I get this situation sorted out. You've held up all the aircraft on this field. I don't know how I'm going to get this cleared up. The delays could run into hours. JUST HOLD YOUR POSITION!!!"
ABC: ".... silence ...."
LC: "ABC, DID YOU COPY?"
ABC: "Sorry ma'am, but you sound just like my wife, and when she starts talking, I stop listening."

Aer Lingus inbound to Frankfurt, where they land on parrallel runways served by a single ILS. You don't know which runway you're going to land on until the last minute - not that our heroes know this ....
AL: "Frankfurt approach, Shamrock XYZ descending to FL50. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM: "Shamrock XYZ turn left heading 100, descend FL40"
AL: "Turn left heading 100, descend FL40. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM: "Shamrock XYZ continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts."
AL: "Roger, continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM: "Shamrock XYZ turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft."
AL: "Roger, turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft."
AL: "Frankfurt, Shamrock XYZ. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM (really fed up): "I CANNOT TELL YOU THAT."
AL: "Roger, ........................... is there anything else important you're not going to tell me?"

And finally, today in Bristol.
Turboprop: "Is that Airbus a heavy?"
ATC: "He's a medium."
Airbus: "I knew you were going to say that."
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Old 6th Aug 2002, 04:34   #112 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Adelaide Australia
Posts: 10
Cool

During a fairly busy traffic pattern at an Australian secondary aerodrome several years ago, very flustered and emotional aerodrome controller:

"ABC , number 6, follow the ****ing Cherokee mid-downwind."

Cherokee pilot, after landing:

"By the way, Tower, we're just an ordinary Cherokee."
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Old 7th Aug 2002, 07:57   #113 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: a fence in the sun
Posts: 182
See above, it's Gary Numan. He did live with his mum for a long while, though my guess is he spent most nights with his v. gorgeous girlie. A good pilot, too - even stopped me flicking his Harvard (we were at 1500ft)!

Now, at Schiphol a while ago:
A BAW is taxying out to 01L via the Outer (those were the days) and the South.
UKA123 is cleared to follow the Speedbird.
Speedbird misses the turn onto the South, and goes straight ahead onto the freight apron.
ATC deals with it:
'UKA123, you know I said follow the Speedbird?'
UKA123 'Affirm'
ATC 'Well don't'

And still no-one posts the DODSI story.....
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Old 7th Aug 2002, 09:33   #114 (permalink)
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Surrey
Age: 36
Posts: 198
Not really ATC humour and don't know if they're true or not, but they made me chuckle anyway:-

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the
mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need
repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes
and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the
pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as
submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had
an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
**********************************************
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal
seepage.

P: Something lose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

FB
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Old 8th Aug 2002, 17:23   #115 (permalink)
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: preston
Posts: 434
qantas

qantas is the only major airline that has an accident- yet!!
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Old 9th Aug 2002, 08:57   #116 (permalink)
 
Join Date: May 1999
Location: UK
Posts: 316
Canberra,
Quote:
qantas is the only major airline that has an accident- yet!!
- errr, perhaps you meant 'hasn't had....'?
Even then you'd be wrong......Qantas news report. One of those days I guess
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Old 9th Aug 2002, 12:47   #117 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Paris, Paris, France
Posts: 24
Apologies if this has already been submitted...
On a very busy frequency, rapid RT interupted by,
PPL: Manchester Control, This is Gulf Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta, We are in a Piper PA-28 Warrior with 3 people on board,currently approximately 5 miles north west of Barton, at 4,000ft on a QNH of 1007, heading 280 degrees at 100 knots. request a flight information service
Control: G-CD, are you Victor Mike Charlie
PPL: (Period of silence) Err, No I'm Albert Smith.
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Old 10th Aug 2002, 09:15   #118 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Poole
Posts: 327
Guys

Thank you very much for sharing these gems with us! You have brightened up my Saturday morning. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face!!

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Old 10th Aug 2002, 09:28   #119 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Poole
Posts: 327
Not sure how true this one is, but who ever let the truth get in the way of a good yarn?

Quote:
Been to Frankfurt Before?

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."
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Old 10th Aug 2002, 11:59   #120 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: An Orange Grove in the countryside
Age: 62
Posts: 95
Another story with a WW2 theme

Heard this whilst working at LATCC many years ago.
A JAL DC8 inbound to EGLL having great difficulty navigating to beacons and VOR'S eventually gives up and asks for radar steers to BOV. Unknown American accent chips in with "How the hell did they ever find Pearl Harbour"?
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