ATC Humour (Merged)
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In the towe,r during my early OJT I had just issued an amendment to some a/cīs clearence. Then few seconds later it seemd better to clear him "straight ahead as well". Imagine my instructors surprise when I said something that sounded very much like: "xxx123 after depature continue straight to hell" 
Join Date: Jun 1999
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Heard on the R/T recently-
'....I'm descending to altitude 1500' to be at the correct quadrangular heading.'
Me- '...what's your destination?'
Him- '...nowhere, I'm just gonna fly around here for a while...'
Many years ago in a previous life (RAF approach room)-
'..terminating service as you descend below my height..'
Several heads swivel to look at the speaker, who was all of 4' 10''.
'...XXX123 is on the 180 radial, no the 185, er...the 175, at eerrmm...20, no it's 22 miles on the ...' (CLUNK) '...OUCH'.
(Instructor got fed up and smacked him round the back of the head.)
Arabian Prince learning to fly, to the other aircraft downwind-
'...GET OUT OF MY WAY!'
Stansted Radar's first day in TC, and the go-around alarm is warbling away.
Heathrow God '...what's that noise at the Stansted end?'
Another Heathrow God '...its the alarm to tell them their plane's arrived.'
'....I'm descending to altitude 1500' to be at the correct quadrangular heading.'
Me- '...what's your destination?'
Him- '...nowhere, I'm just gonna fly around here for a while...'
Many years ago in a previous life (RAF approach room)-
'..terminating service as you descend below my height..'
Several heads swivel to look at the speaker, who was all of 4' 10''.
'...XXX123 is on the 180 radial, no the 185, er...the 175, at eerrmm...20, no it's 22 miles on the ...' (CLUNK) '...OUCH'.
(Instructor got fed up and smacked him round the back of the head.)
Arabian Prince learning to fly, to the other aircraft downwind-
'...GET OUT OF MY WAY!'
Stansted Radar's first day in TC, and the go-around alarm is warbling away.
Heathrow God '...what's that noise at the Stansted end?'
Another Heathrow God '...its the alarm to tell them their plane's arrived.'
Last edited by Wee Jock; 12th Jul 2002 at 09:22.
niknak
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"mature male" OJTI briefing extremely pretty and voluptuous student atco prior to going on watch:
"Now then S....... , how many of my colleagues have you been with since the last time I had you?".
"Now then S....... , how many of my colleagues have you been with since the last time I had you?".
Join Date: Jun 2002
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A sad atco was heard to say ......
Once upon a large military exercise off the north of Scotland a US carrier F14 Tomcat pulls out of low level calling ScotMil Allocator ....
ac "Scottish this is $%66ee&&&gle]]!! zero 2, requesting radar climb"
ScMil "Testicle 02, squawk 6501 ident"
ac "JESUS H CHRIST, Scotland, the callsign is foxtrot, alpha, sierra, tango, echo, alpha, golf, lima, echo, F-A-S-T-E-A-G-L-E 02"
That took balls. Sad ATCO, I salute you !!
ac "Scottish this is $%66ee&&&gle]]!! zero 2, requesting radar climb"
ScMil "Testicle 02, squawk 6501 ident"
ac "JESUS H CHRIST, Scotland, the callsign is foxtrot, alpha, sierra, tango, echo, alpha, golf, lima, echo, F-A-S-T-E-A-G-L-E 02"
That took balls. Sad ATCO, I salute you !!
Join Date: Aug 2000
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Two that left me snickering;
The first was at RAAF Edinburgh in Ozzyland a decade or more ago at night with a P3 Orion conducting night circuit training. On downwind the pilot advised the controller "for information we will be conducting a "lights off approach", whilst lining up on finals, the controller promptly turned off all the approach and landing lights....a surprised (and probably subsequently ticked off P3 pilot) overshot and the rest was probably more entertaining at the bar afterwards!! If it wasn't obvious...he actually meant his own landing lights!
The other was more recently here in the middle east when the many round the world ballooning adventures were being conducted in the last year or two. When one of the balloons crossed into the airspace (quite successfully following the airway I might add!), a controller drew the attention of another controller to the event and particularly the balloons spritely groundspeed of 160 knots or more....to which the controller asked (quite seriously I might add!) "I wonder if he has got a head wind or a tail wind?"
The first was at RAAF Edinburgh in Ozzyland a decade or more ago at night with a P3 Orion conducting night circuit training. On downwind the pilot advised the controller "for information we will be conducting a "lights off approach", whilst lining up on finals, the controller promptly turned off all the approach and landing lights....a surprised (and probably subsequently ticked off P3 pilot) overshot and the rest was probably more entertaining at the bar afterwards!! If it wasn't obvious...he actually meant his own landing lights!
The other was more recently here in the middle east when the many round the world ballooning adventures were being conducted in the last year or two. When one of the balloons crossed into the airspace (quite successfully following the airway I might add!), a controller drew the attention of another controller to the event and particularly the balloons spritely groundspeed of 160 knots or more....to which the controller asked (quite seriously I might add!) "I wonder if he has got a head wind or a tail wind?"
Join Date: Jul 2001
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Many, Many moons ago..... In a tower, far far away....
Alameda Tower, guess who....
( night time )
Walk over to lighting panel.
Calling Alameda Tower, (as the lights go out) guess where...
<G>
Alameda Tower, guess who....
( night time )
Walk over to lighting panel.
Calling Alameda Tower, (as the lights go out) guess where...
<G>
Join Date: Nov 2000
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Chopper
I must give credit for this one to a friend who now works at EGCC......
While (xxx) was working in the tower at EGPD, he was faced with the following scenario........
Shorts 360, with female pilot handling the radio on short final with other fixed wing traffic close behind. Helicopter holding on base leg.
Helicopter instructed "(callsign), you are number two following a shorts 360, short final. Keep the circuit tight due further traffic on 4 mile final"
Helicopter reply "roger, when the lady has got her shorts down, I'll quickly slip my chopper in behind".
.........ahem..........!
While (xxx) was working in the tower at EGPD, he was faced with the following scenario........
Shorts 360, with female pilot handling the radio on short final with other fixed wing traffic close behind. Helicopter holding on base leg.
Helicopter instructed "(callsign), you are number two following a shorts 360, short final. Keep the circuit tight due further traffic on 4 mile final"
Helicopter reply "roger, when the lady has got her shorts down, I'll quickly slip my chopper in behind".
.........ahem..........!
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Edinburgh
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Poor Shorts 360's, they always seem to be the butt.
Our resident humourists favourites are :-
Nice plane but why are you towing a caravan
and
I'm sure it will fly better once you take it out of the box.
You just cant buy experience
Our resident humourists favourites are :-
Nice plane but why are you towing a caravan
and
I'm sure it will fly better once you take it out of the box.
You just cant buy experience
Join Date: Jun 2000
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Heard on a UK airways freq just after new year a number of years ago:
Aircraft: "Contact Brest on ***** thanks and a Happy New Year"
London: "It will be as soon as the mother in law goes back home"!
Or on STN ground once upon a time:
Ground controller to an aircraft on his first call upon vacating: "Are you familiar?"
Aircraft: "We can be!"
Aircraft: "Contact Brest on ***** thanks and a Happy New Year"
London: "It will be as soon as the mother in law goes back home"!
Or on STN ground once upon a time:
Ground controller to an aircraft on his first call upon vacating: "Are you familiar?"
Aircraft: "We can be!"
Join Date: Mar 2001
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You can have endless fun with SH36's:
two of them in the circuit are a pair of shorts, and I once had occasion to advise a pilot who gave the wrong callsign that he had the wrong shorts on.
two of them in the circuit are a pair of shorts, and I once had occasion to advise a pilot who gave the wrong callsign that he had the wrong shorts on.
Join Date: Jun 2002
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Excellent stories.
I was flying from Houston to Austin one day in a Lear 35. Houston Center kept trying to handoff NASA 972 (A T-38, most likely flown by an astronaut type) to the next sector.
"NASA 972 contact Houston Center 134.45."
-No response
"NASA 972 contact Houston Center 134.45."
-No response
"NASA 972, how do you read Houston Center?" (getting a bit upset)
-No response
This goes on for several minutes when finally, the T-38 responds to the controller's 'how do you read?'
ARTCC: "NASA 972, Houston center, FIFTH CALL, contact center now, ONE THREE FOUR POINT FIVE, that's ONE THREE FOUR POINT FIVE!,..OVER!" (quite a nasty tone)
PILOT: (muffled through the O2 mask) "Roger, twenty three forty five, sorry about that, I was on the landline."
I'm sure our passengers wondered why we were laughing like hyyenas. (SP?)
Another favorite was when center was handing out re-routes to all Chicage bound traffic due to storms over the entire midwestern portion of the US.
"United 462, Memphis Center, I've got a re-route for you too sir, advise when ready to copy."
"Yes ma'am, United 462, any chance of direct XXXX?"
"United 462, are you ah, RNAV equiped?" (sounding hopeful)
"No ma,am, but we are radar vector equiped!"
It occurs to me this forum might present me with the opportunity to thank the gentlemen at London Center who assisted us a few summers ago. We were climbing out of Birmingham on our way to Keflavik when we shed a generator. Having no idea where to get a Learjet 55 worked on in the UK, we asked you. After a bit of checking around, Luton was suggested. They did a great job at Metro, the repair actually cost us less than some places here in the states. Thanks for the help ya'all!
DAN
I was flying from Houston to Austin one day in a Lear 35. Houston Center kept trying to handoff NASA 972 (A T-38, most likely flown by an astronaut type) to the next sector.
"NASA 972 contact Houston Center 134.45."
-No response
"NASA 972 contact Houston Center 134.45."
-No response
"NASA 972, how do you read Houston Center?" (getting a bit upset)
-No response
This goes on for several minutes when finally, the T-38 responds to the controller's 'how do you read?'
ARTCC: "NASA 972, Houston center, FIFTH CALL, contact center now, ONE THREE FOUR POINT FIVE, that's ONE THREE FOUR POINT FIVE!,..OVER!" (quite a nasty tone)
PILOT: (muffled through the O2 mask) "Roger, twenty three forty five, sorry about that, I was on the landline."
I'm sure our passengers wondered why we were laughing like hyyenas. (SP?)
Another favorite was when center was handing out re-routes to all Chicage bound traffic due to storms over the entire midwestern portion of the US.
"United 462, Memphis Center, I've got a re-route for you too sir, advise when ready to copy."
"Yes ma'am, United 462, any chance of direct XXXX?"
"United 462, are you ah, RNAV equiped?" (sounding hopeful)
"No ma,am, but we are radar vector equiped!"
It occurs to me this forum might present me with the opportunity to thank the gentlemen at London Center who assisted us a few summers ago. We were climbing out of Birmingham on our way to Keflavik when we shed a generator. Having no idea where to get a Learjet 55 worked on in the UK, we asked you. After a bit of checking around, Luton was suggested. They did a great job at Metro, the repair actually cost us less than some places here in the states. Thanks for the help ya'all!
DAN
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A colleague heard the following recently on the way into Schiphol.
AMS Controller: Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100?
Continental XXX: Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm
AMS: Could you make it 3000 fpm?
Continental XXX: No Sir.
AMS: Oh do you not have a speedbrake?
Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!
AMS Controller: Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100?
Continental XXX: Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm
AMS: Could you make it 3000 fpm?
Continental XXX: No Sir.
AMS: Oh do you not have a speedbrake?
Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!
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the kent wide boy
when i saw that post about the tower at gutersloh i immediatley thought i bet that was him, and lo and behold it was. dont knock him though, he let me control one night. put me off controlling for ever! best one i ever heard in a tower was an arab student at cranwell who instead of saying simulated engine fire on board actually said simulated fire engine on board, well we thought it was funny!
