Some advice from Tech Support.........
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Some advice from Tech Support.........
We appear to have quite a number of IT people in the Private Flying Forum, so I thought I'd pass on this letter I received as an IT consultant in case it might be of use:
Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
No mention of this phenomenon was mentioned in the product brochure, In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3 and ShoppingSpree 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Football 5.0, Fishing 3.6, Golf 2.4 and JunkEverywhere 4.5
Furthermore, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system every time I run it. Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6 or WashingUp 5.5
I've tried running Nagging 4.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited use and has on occasion caused the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen of Death).
Please can you help ??
Signed, Jane
Dear Jane
We often receive this complaint from our lady clients, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception as many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is in fact an intelligent OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator (Male of course) to run as few applications as possible and it is definitely not designed for multi-tasking. Furthermore, you cannot simply purge Husband 1.0 from your system and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is deeply embedded in your system and hidden operating files would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing would be gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once they are installed. Any system updates can only be installed once a year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory resource and cannot readily accept new information or changes.
Error messages are common and a normal feature of Husband 1.0
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0, however these women end up with more problems than they encountered with Husband 1.0 (Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Resource Allocation), you will notice that trying to install either of these programs (both of which come pre-bundled with HeartBreak 1.3) will result in poor system performance, system conflicts and possible virus infection.
I recommend that you keep Husband 1.0 installed and just learn the quirks of its strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system and demands that Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.
To activate this feature, enter the command C
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then trigger the applications - Apologize 12.3 and Flowers&Chocolates 7.4
Husband 1.0 will then run efficiently for a few weeks before you start to notice repeat problems.
TECH TIP ! - Avoid excessive use of this feature, as overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a CI APLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0
Beer 6.0 is an extremely disagreeable program that causes Husband 1.0 to create BeerBelly files and LoudSnore and NoxiousGas wave files that are very hard to delete, so save yourself some unnecessary trouble by following this tech tip.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it is plagued with memory and performance problems.
Consider buying additional software to enhance its functionality. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, Patience 10.1, Appreciation 2.8 and LetsGoToBedEarly 8.5.
If you keep these utilities running in the background ready to be called when needed, then Husband 1.0 will experience fewer system interrupts, crashes and lock-ups.
You will also notice that after several years of use that Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, RegularSex 6.9 and BestFriend 7.4
A final word of caution! Do NOT under any circumstances, try to install HisMotherInLaw 1.0 as a resident program, even temporarily. This is definately NOT a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system due to high incompatibility issues.
Until HisMotherInLaw 1.0 is fully uninstalled, Husband 1.0 will only run Football 5.0 and Golf 2.4
I hope these notes have helped and may we thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0.
We here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years and we trust that you will appreciate the versatility and intelligence of your new operating system.
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
No mention of this phenomenon was mentioned in the product brochure, In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3 and ShoppingSpree 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Football 5.0, Fishing 3.6, Golf 2.4 and JunkEverywhere 4.5
Furthermore, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system every time I run it. Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6 or WashingUp 5.5
I've tried running Nagging 4.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited use and has on occasion caused the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen of Death).
Please can you help ??
Signed, Jane
Dear Jane
We often receive this complaint from our lady clients, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception as many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is in fact an intelligent OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator (Male of course) to run as few applications as possible and it is definitely not designed for multi-tasking. Furthermore, you cannot simply purge Husband 1.0 from your system and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is deeply embedded in your system and hidden operating files would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing would be gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once they are installed. Any system updates can only be installed once a year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory resource and cannot readily accept new information or changes.
Error messages are common and a normal feature of Husband 1.0
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0, however these women end up with more problems than they encountered with Husband 1.0 (Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Resource Allocation), you will notice that trying to install either of these programs (both of which come pre-bundled with HeartBreak 1.3) will result in poor system performance, system conflicts and possible virus infection.
I recommend that you keep Husband 1.0 installed and just learn the quirks of its strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system and demands that Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.
To activate this feature, enter the command C
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.Husband 1.0 should then trigger the applications - Apologize 12.3 and Flowers&Chocolates 7.4
Husband 1.0 will then run efficiently for a few weeks before you start to notice repeat problems.
TECH TIP ! - Avoid excessive use of this feature, as overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C
I APLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0Beer 6.0 is an extremely disagreeable program that causes Husband 1.0 to create BeerBelly files and LoudSnore and NoxiousGas wave files that are very hard to delete, so save yourself some unnecessary trouble by following this tech tip.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it is plagued with memory and performance problems.
Consider buying additional software to enhance its functionality. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, Patience 10.1, Appreciation 2.8 and LetsGoToBedEarly 8.5.
If you keep these utilities running in the background ready to be called when needed, then Husband 1.0 will experience fewer system interrupts, crashes and lock-ups.
You will also notice that after several years of use that Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, RegularSex 6.9 and BestFriend 7.4
A final word of caution! Do NOT under any circumstances, try to install HisMotherInLaw 1.0 as a resident program, even temporarily. This is definately NOT a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system due to high incompatibility issues.
Until HisMotherInLaw 1.0 is fully uninstalled, Husband 1.0 will only run Football 5.0 and Golf 2.4
I hope these notes have helped and may we thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0.
We here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years and we trust that you will appreciate the versatility and intelligence of your new operating system.
Tech Support
Guest
Posts: n/a
Thank you, I enjoyed that one. On a slightly different tack, I enjoyed this next one too. Sorry if it`s old hat, I first saw it only a couple of days ago
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE, FROM A MAN WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don`t ask us, we refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it`s up, put it down.
3. If you won`t dress like the Victorias Secret girls, don`t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4. Don`t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys are reluctant to marry is that married women always cut their hair short and by then you are stuck with her.
5. If you ask a question you don`t want an answer to, expect an answer you don`t want to hear.
6. Sometimes we are not thinking of you. Learn to live with it. Don`t ask us what we are thinking of unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.
7. Sunday = Sports. Its like the rising of the moon or the ebb and flow of the tides.
8. Shopping is not a sport and we are never going to think of it as such.
9. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear will be just fine. Really.
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is Blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don`t work. Let`s be clear on this one. Strong hints don`t work. Really obvious hints don`t work. Just ask for it.
12. No, we don`t know what day it is, we never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
13. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
14. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we`d be any good at deciding which of your thirty pairs will go with your dress.
15. `Yes` or `No` are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.
16. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
17. A headach that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a Doctor.
18. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
19. Change your oil.
20. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to do the quiz together. No, it doesn`t matter which quiz.
21. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments or statements are null and void after seven days.
22. If something we say can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
23. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway.
24. You can tell us to do something or tell us how to do something, but not both.
25. Whenever possible, please say whatever it is you want to say during the commercials.
26. If it itches, it will be scratched.
27. Beer is as exciting to us as handbags are to you.
28. If we ask `what`s wrong` and you say `nothing` then we will act as though there is nothing wrong. We know you are lying, but it`s not worth the hassle.
Edited for a typo
I reckon that whoever worked this one out had been married for a long time.
Regards,
Mike W
[This message has been edited by Skylark4 (edited 02 October 2000).]
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE, FROM A MAN WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don`t ask us, we refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it`s up, put it down.
3. If you won`t dress like the Victorias Secret girls, don`t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4. Don`t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys are reluctant to marry is that married women always cut their hair short and by then you are stuck with her.
5. If you ask a question you don`t want an answer to, expect an answer you don`t want to hear.
6. Sometimes we are not thinking of you. Learn to live with it. Don`t ask us what we are thinking of unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.
7. Sunday = Sports. Its like the rising of the moon or the ebb and flow of the tides.
8. Shopping is not a sport and we are never going to think of it as such.
9. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear will be just fine. Really.
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is Blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don`t work. Let`s be clear on this one. Strong hints don`t work. Really obvious hints don`t work. Just ask for it.
12. No, we don`t know what day it is, we never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
13. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
14. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we`d be any good at deciding which of your thirty pairs will go with your dress.
15. `Yes` or `No` are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.
16. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
17. A headach that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a Doctor.
18. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
19. Change your oil.
20. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to do the quiz together. No, it doesn`t matter which quiz.
21. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments or statements are null and void after seven days.
22. If something we say can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
23. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway.
24. You can tell us to do something or tell us how to do something, but not both.
25. Whenever possible, please say whatever it is you want to say during the commercials.
26. If it itches, it will be scratched.
27. Beer is as exciting to us as handbags are to you.
28. If we ask `what`s wrong` and you say `nothing` then we will act as though there is nothing wrong. We know you are lying, but it`s not worth the hassle.
Edited for a typo
I reckon that whoever worked this one out had been married for a long time.
Regards,
Mike W
[This message has been edited by Skylark4 (edited 02 October 2000).]
Guest
Posts: n/a
FNG - is this the one?
DISCRETION ADVISED WHEN UPGRADING!
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0
and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for
other applications. He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also
spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable
resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in
the product documentation, though other users have informed me that
this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched
at system initialization where it can monitor all other system
activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5
and PubNite 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all,
causing the system to lockup when launched (even though these
applications worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus the installation of
the undesired plug-ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and the
Brother-in-law Beta in unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to
diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0
are:
A "Don't remind me again" button;
Minimize button;
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with
the option of uninstalling at any time without the loss of Cache and
other system resources; and
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" which would
allow the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated
with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I
have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0
on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first,
otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over
shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a
long-standing problem that I should have been aware of.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0
doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application
in the system.
Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend
continually popup annoying little messages about the advantages of
upgrading to Wife 1.0.
******** BUG WARNING ********
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If
you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then for
some reason Mistress 1.1 won't install at all, claiming insufficient
resources.
To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a
different system and never run any file transfer applications (such as
Laplink) between the two systems.
DISCRETION ADVISED WHEN UPGRADING!
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0
and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for
other applications. He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also
spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable
resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in
the product documentation, though other users have informed me that
this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched
at system initialization where it can monitor all other system
activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5
and PubNite 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all,
causing the system to lockup when launched (even though these
applications worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus the installation of
the undesired plug-ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and the
Brother-in-law Beta in unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to
diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0
are:
A "Don't remind me again" button;
Minimize button;
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with
the option of uninstalling at any time without the loss of Cache and
other system resources; and
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" which would
allow the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated
with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I
have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0
on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first,
otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over
shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a
long-standing problem that I should have been aware of.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0
doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application
in the system.
Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend
continually popup annoying little messages about the advantages of
upgrading to Wife 1.0.
******** BUG WARNING ********
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If
you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then for
some reason Mistress 1.1 won't install at all, claiming insufficient
resources.
To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a
different system and never run any file transfer applications (such as
Laplink) between the two systems.
Guest
Posts: n/a
i found this one amusing
CAPTAIN 1.0
NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW.
JUST RELEASED!
Wish you could master Flight Sim 98 with the aid of an experienced TYPE-RATED 'Cybercaptain' in the background? Sick and tired of always having to click PAUSE and then 'HELP'?
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU COULD FLY YOUR 747-400, 737 EFIS OR 757 WITH THE HELP OF A REAL TIME PILOT IN THE JUMPSEAT?
NOW YOU CAN!
INTRODUCING THE ALL NEW FS98 INTERFACE PROGRAM "CAPTAIN".
Download CAPTAIN 1.0 absolutely free! CAPTAIN operates in the background and uses minimal memory resources. It is the ideal 'crew member' to have around when things start going wrong in a high workload situation.
CAPTAIN operates much the same as MS EXCEL Help Wizard, except it will jump in when it detects you are having a problem. It is like having a real pilot in the jumpseat, monitoring the progress of your flight and instantly comes up with advice where it thinks you're having trouble.
Some examples of CAPTAIN's advice -
"Try Progress Page 3"
"You haven't reset your MCP Altitude"
"You'll catch the cabin at 3000 feet! Reduce your rate of descent."
"Watch that tailwind!"
"Have you deselected AUTO and set MAN?"
If you really get into trouble and don't want to crash, CAPTAIN can be programmed to take over control from you at a second's notice. It can do so automatically if you transgress certain safe parameters of speed, sink rate etc, or manually requesting CAPTAIN to take over by hitting the ESC button. Its that simple!
All advice will annunciate automatically when CAPTAIN detects you are having problems, and will virtually advise on the root causes.
Download Captain 1.0 NOW, and start really enjoying Flight Sim!
*****
Dear Bob in Tech Support,
I am having bulk trouble with your new program CAPTAIN 1.0 for FLIGHT SIM 98. Did you have to design it after a cranky old bastard? Helpful advice my arse! Some of the 'help' lines it spits out include:
"Christ, are you for real?"
"Where'd you get your type rating? Out of a Cornflakes packet?"
"What the **** did you do that for? You can't fly for **** !"
"You're not doing anything till I've had my Beef Wellington first!"
The worst thing about CAPTAIN is that it takes over control at my slightest mistake! If I go only a bit below G/S, if my IAS varies by more than 2 knots, if the weather is less than VFR, this bloody CAPTAIN program of yours just takes over without so much as a By Your Leave! Even CTL-ALT-DEL is powerless to stop it. Where is this ESC button option? It doesn't work!
Even when I pull the plug and simply turn the computer OFF, CAPTAIN loads itself on reboot as a little icon in W95 and says something like "Hmmm....I remember you! No sectors for you today pal!" After which I no longer have any direct piloting control of FS98. I can't even select the route I'd like to fly.
Despite your free patch program HOSTIE 3.1, which I downloaded last week from your site, it has made no difference to CAPTAIN. While HOSTIE 3.1 standing alone is a wonderful program that runs extremely well with my interface it is no help against the instrusive nature of CAPTAIN 1.0. Every time I make a slightest mistake in Flight Sim 98, CAPTAIN 1.0 immediately executes itself and loads into FS98 along with reams of abuse concerning my mistakes. Either that or it unilaterally takes over my FS98. It mysteriously remains idle if a perfect FS98 exercise is flown. HOSTIE never interferes and it is fun to have in concert while playing FS98. Also, HOSTIE does not execute unless I call for it. I am running HOSTIE in Playful mode.
Even so, it appears that CAPTAIN 1.0 wants to run my whole computer - HDD, RAM, NORTON UTILITIES etc, it even tries to dictate my BIOS settings! It completely ignores inputs from UNINSTALL CAPTAIN.EXE (even showing the words "Who the hell do you think you are? I am the CAPTAIN!") and is forever conflicting with all other programs in my computer. Should I run FS98 with TOWER, it continually complains to ATC just about every clearance received. So much so that TOWER tells me that my clearance is cancelled and to proceed to Alternate! Sheesh!
I hope you can help me as I'm practically at wit's end. I want to show FS98 to my mother but I can't until CAPTAIN is brought under control.
- Snails
*****
Dear Snails,
We had programmed CAPTAIN to be of independent analytical thought, but had no idea it would go crazy. Our finished product was modelled on that of a charming polite gentleman. It appears after one month in use it acquires
certain bugs. We knew CAPTAIN would be realistic, but didn't intend it to go so far into reality.
Try running HOSTIE 3.1 in another Mode with CAPTAIN 1.0. Change HOSTIE Mode by entering Edit - Options - Personality. The options found there should be: Normal - Playful - Bitch - Teaser - Whore - Slut - Balltearer. I suggest you select 'Slut'. Note that Virgin Mode cannot be selected as it was in Hostie 3.0 as it has never been used by any FS pilot.
CAPTAIN 1.0 always detects when HOSTIE 3.1 is operating in SLUT Mode and will be distracted from FS98. Our recent laboratory benchtesting shows that CAPTAIN reverts to that of the originally designed program intention of
pleasantness after 30min interaction with HOSTIE in this mode. CAPTAIN should then return to FS98 as the program as was designed. Then reselect PLAYFUL mode. This is because when HOSTIE remains in SLUT mode it will bring up any teasing pornographic pictures you may have in your internet browser's cache or on your HDD. That's nice while on enroute cruise, but could be an embarrassment while demonstrating your FS98 to mum.
We hope this helps.
Bob and Tech Support Team.
PS: It might pay to have CAPTAIN interact with HOSTIE in SLUT mode anytime CAPTAIN appears to get bitchy or cranky.
------------------
Those who can't write, write manuals
CAPTAIN 1.0
NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW.
JUST RELEASED!
Wish you could master Flight Sim 98 with the aid of an experienced TYPE-RATED 'Cybercaptain' in the background? Sick and tired of always having to click PAUSE and then 'HELP'?
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU COULD FLY YOUR 747-400, 737 EFIS OR 757 WITH THE HELP OF A REAL TIME PILOT IN THE JUMPSEAT?
NOW YOU CAN!
INTRODUCING THE ALL NEW FS98 INTERFACE PROGRAM "CAPTAIN".
Download CAPTAIN 1.0 absolutely free! CAPTAIN operates in the background and uses minimal memory resources. It is the ideal 'crew member' to have around when things start going wrong in a high workload situation.
CAPTAIN operates much the same as MS EXCEL Help Wizard, except it will jump in when it detects you are having a problem. It is like having a real pilot in the jumpseat, monitoring the progress of your flight and instantly comes up with advice where it thinks you're having trouble.
Some examples of CAPTAIN's advice -
"Try Progress Page 3"
"You haven't reset your MCP Altitude"
"You'll catch the cabin at 3000 feet! Reduce your rate of descent."
"Watch that tailwind!"
"Have you deselected AUTO and set MAN?"
If you really get into trouble and don't want to crash, CAPTAIN can be programmed to take over control from you at a second's notice. It can do so automatically if you transgress certain safe parameters of speed, sink rate etc, or manually requesting CAPTAIN to take over by hitting the ESC button. Its that simple!
All advice will annunciate automatically when CAPTAIN detects you are having problems, and will virtually advise on the root causes.
Download Captain 1.0 NOW, and start really enjoying Flight Sim!
*****
Dear Bob in Tech Support,
I am having bulk trouble with your new program CAPTAIN 1.0 for FLIGHT SIM 98. Did you have to design it after a cranky old bastard? Helpful advice my arse! Some of the 'help' lines it spits out include:
"Christ, are you for real?"
"Where'd you get your type rating? Out of a Cornflakes packet?"
"What the **** did you do that for? You can't fly for **** !"
"You're not doing anything till I've had my Beef Wellington first!"
The worst thing about CAPTAIN is that it takes over control at my slightest mistake! If I go only a bit below G/S, if my IAS varies by more than 2 knots, if the weather is less than VFR, this bloody CAPTAIN program of yours just takes over without so much as a By Your Leave! Even CTL-ALT-DEL is powerless to stop it. Where is this ESC button option? It doesn't work!
Even when I pull the plug and simply turn the computer OFF, CAPTAIN loads itself on reboot as a little icon in W95 and says something like "Hmmm....I remember you! No sectors for you today pal!" After which I no longer have any direct piloting control of FS98. I can't even select the route I'd like to fly.
Despite your free patch program HOSTIE 3.1, which I downloaded last week from your site, it has made no difference to CAPTAIN. While HOSTIE 3.1 standing alone is a wonderful program that runs extremely well with my interface it is no help against the instrusive nature of CAPTAIN 1.0. Every time I make a slightest mistake in Flight Sim 98, CAPTAIN 1.0 immediately executes itself and loads into FS98 along with reams of abuse concerning my mistakes. Either that or it unilaterally takes over my FS98. It mysteriously remains idle if a perfect FS98 exercise is flown. HOSTIE never interferes and it is fun to have in concert while playing FS98. Also, HOSTIE does not execute unless I call for it. I am running HOSTIE in Playful mode.
Even so, it appears that CAPTAIN 1.0 wants to run my whole computer - HDD, RAM, NORTON UTILITIES etc, it even tries to dictate my BIOS settings! It completely ignores inputs from UNINSTALL CAPTAIN.EXE (even showing the words "Who the hell do you think you are? I am the CAPTAIN!") and is forever conflicting with all other programs in my computer. Should I run FS98 with TOWER, it continually complains to ATC just about every clearance received. So much so that TOWER tells me that my clearance is cancelled and to proceed to Alternate! Sheesh!
I hope you can help me as I'm practically at wit's end. I want to show FS98 to my mother but I can't until CAPTAIN is brought under control.
- Snails
*****
Dear Snails,
We had programmed CAPTAIN to be of independent analytical thought, but had no idea it would go crazy. Our finished product was modelled on that of a charming polite gentleman. It appears after one month in use it acquires
certain bugs. We knew CAPTAIN would be realistic, but didn't intend it to go so far into reality.
Try running HOSTIE 3.1 in another Mode with CAPTAIN 1.0. Change HOSTIE Mode by entering Edit - Options - Personality. The options found there should be: Normal - Playful - Bitch - Teaser - Whore - Slut - Balltearer. I suggest you select 'Slut'. Note that Virgin Mode cannot be selected as it was in Hostie 3.0 as it has never been used by any FS pilot.
CAPTAIN 1.0 always detects when HOSTIE 3.1 is operating in SLUT Mode and will be distracted from FS98. Our recent laboratory benchtesting shows that CAPTAIN reverts to that of the originally designed program intention of
pleasantness after 30min interaction with HOSTIE in this mode. CAPTAIN should then return to FS98 as the program as was designed. Then reselect PLAYFUL mode. This is because when HOSTIE remains in SLUT mode it will bring up any teasing pornographic pictures you may have in your internet browser's cache or on your HDD. That's nice while on enroute cruise, but could be an embarrassment while demonstrating your FS98 to mum.
We hope this helps.
Bob and Tech Support Team.
PS: It might pay to have CAPTAIN interact with HOSTIE in SLUT mode anytime CAPTAIN appears to get bitchy or cranky.
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Those who can't write, write manuals
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DB6
I had to do it the hard way, type it in, one letter at a time and swapping windows to read it from the original e-Mail. I`m sure there is a better way but I don`t know it.
Regards
Mike W
P.S. My Wife ( of 38 years), did not think it was funny.
I had to do it the hard way, type it in, one letter at a time and swapping windows to read it from the original e-Mail. I`m sure there is a better way but I don`t know it.
Regards
Mike W
P.S. My Wife ( of 38 years), did not think it was funny.
